"I take orders from the Octoboss."

Vern Predicts: Cheeto-sponsored movie news


I am posting this not as an attack on the websight in question, which I sometimes read, and which I know at least one of the regulars here writes for, but simply as a presentation of the facts at hand and a demonstration of my powers.

On April 1, 2008, I posted a fake geocities.com/outlawvern redesign titled “Cheetohs Presents Vern’s Cinematic Movie Blog.” It was full of dumbed down and crassly commercialized content including, for some reason, a sidebar with the nutrition information from a bag of Cheetos:


Yesterday, which was not April 1st, this was an actual post on Collider:


So fuckin listen to me every once in a while, is what I’m saying. Sometimes I know what I’m talking about.


This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013 at 2:33 am and is filed under Blog Post (short for weblog). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

12 Responses to “Vern Predicts: Cheeto-sponsored movie news”

  1. I’d forgotten how good that Cinematic Movie Blog page was.

  2. The Undefeated Gaul

    May 28th, 2013 at 3:08 am

    That page remains one of the best things you’ve ever created. The little Segway advertisement is the one that stuck with me the most and still makes me laugh every now and then when it pops up in my mind.

  3. If you ever have a vision of the apocalypse, please share them with us immediately, Vern. That way we have enough time to kiss our asses good bye.

  4. How do people eat this stuff? Nothing should so orange, so bright orange. It’s not natural, and certainly shouldn’t be edible. True, I went through an orange soda phase

    (It was sophomore year of college, that time when a boy is supposed to experiment & get fucked up all the time and can be forgiven for finding out that root beer goes great with rum & orange soda goes great with Bacardi 151.)

    but I can’t imagine eating radioactive gobs of sodium & calories. Sorry, Collider Staff, I know you gotta pay bills & salaries and that this in no way affects me, but I’m deducting 10 cool points for this. Advertorials are bad, mmkay?

    Props to Vern for catching this, though. Now what’s the deal with TOM YUM GOONG 2?

  5. I was never a Cheetos fan, but I had to swear off Cheez Doodles like eight years back. They’re just air and orange, so you devour an entire bag in 20 minutes and end up kind of nauseous with Oompa Loompa hands.

  6. Whenever I see your crazy American junk food and candy, I wonder why that shit isn’t availble over here. I guess it’s because we have MUCH stricter food regulations, so all the weird chemical shit that you got wouldn’t even be allowed near any food factory. (Which is why German beer is better than American, but German Oreos don’t taste as good as the American ones.)

  7. Haahahahahah…ouch. Well played Vern, well played.

  8. CJ – I spent a wonderful 3 days in the Hofbrau tent at Oktoberfest from 4th-6th October last year, drinking steins and eating park knuckle and schnitzels. German beer and meat is awesome. I was also mightily impressed with the quality of the German ladies. I was not that impressed with the Kultfabrik clubbing complex though.

  9. I still laugh ever time I think about your teaser poster for T2. Classic.

  10. That April Fools page is classic. I still remember the day it went up, I was in university and had just begun studying for my exams in the computer lab. I checked your sight before I started, I began to giggle, then next thing I knew the whole morning was gone. That was back in the good old days when the sight was on geocities.

  11. The Original... Paul

    June 1st, 2013 at 12:16 am

    Sorry Vern, but I gotta disqualify you on a technicality here. The April Fools’ Day post wasn’t a prediction, it was a satire of stuff that was ALREADY happening. You listed so many “partners” on that page, it was always gonna be the case that something like this would occur. Apple, Segway, Verizon, etc…

    None of which makes the “Iran-Contra” t-shirt any less hilarious.

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