“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Abducted II: The Reunion

tn_abductediislashersearch13I think ABDUCTED was a barely seen drive-in type of movie. IMDb doesn’t even have a release date or box office info for it. Have you ever heard of it? No. But nine years later in the completely different climate of mid-90s DTV they actually made a sequel. The titleational reunion, thankfully, is not between Renee and Vern, it’s between three old college friends. And also between Vern (still Lawrence King-Phillips, still alive despite getting shot off a bridge and splattered against a bunch of rocks, legendary in the area, now even crazier and living in a cave like it’s a prequel to OFFSPRING) and his dad Joe (still Dan Haggerty, still hanging around the woods). And of course it’s a reunion between Haggerty, King-Phillips, writer-director Boon Collins and co-writer Lindsay Bourne.

It follows alot of the usual sequel standards: cheesier and more TV-movie than the first one, rehashed plot, ante upped. Well, they up the ante by having three women instead of one: Maria (Raquel Bianca), Sharon (Debbie Rochon) and Ingrid (Donna Jason). This time you get to know them a little bit before Vern jumps out of the bushes. They’re old friends on a trip together, they don’t like the idea of hunting, they’re rude to the locals, one of them is in the middle of a bad breakup, another one seems like maybe she’s gonna make a move on that one, etc. They camp out in a tent together, drink and are real loud and obnoxious even though they know they’re bothering a nerdy park ranger guy nearby (they don’t know that he’s thinking about them and jerking off, though).

When Vern shows up it kind of rehashes the minimal plot of the first one, but this time he has all three of them on rope leashes! That’s 3 times as many women as he had on rope leashes in part 1. He clearly didn’t learn anything from his previous abduction experience, explaining “Pa took her away from me, said what I was doing was wrong. Just ’cause I wanted a family.”

Ingrid escapes by doing a cartwheel and later she puts on a handkerchief for a headband, carves her own spear and says “This is no game, Sharon. This is the real thing! We train for all our lives for a challenge like this and it is up to each of us to perform to the best of our abilities!” She catches a fish and talks crazy about how she can think like him now.

mp_abductediiMeanwhile poor Maria is still abducted, and goes back to the cave, which looks more like a well-lit set than anything in part 1. There is a redux of the failed-rape scene from part 1, except this time she convinces him that he needs to be “slow and tender” and they’re going to be together forever so he can wait until they’re better friends. Then she says “There’s nothing wrong with you, Vern. You just need a friend,” seemingly sincerely as he’s curled up in fetal position, wearing his animal skins, in his cave where he lives.

Like Renee in part 1 she does a good job of pretending to be sympathetic to him, either that or is way too sympathetic to him. He shows her some [grainy stock footage of] stone sheep and she says, “They look so… so free up here.”

She makes some poor decisions, for example maybe she would’ve gotten a grip on that ax before Vern if she hadn’t stopped to sensually sponge off her chest. This one is more obvious about the T&A, with one of these “scream queen” casts where the boobs are obviously a higher priority than the screen presence.

These are not geniuses. At one point one of them (Sharon I think) hears a helicopter and says “It’s a plane! We’re saved!”

The helicopter that she calls a plane belongs to Jan-Michael Vincent, who plays a rich dude who hired Joe as a guide because he’s an expert on stone sheep. This is a callback to part 1’s asshole helicopter hunters, and a sign that Joe has sold out. He has second thoughts though and tries to give the guy his money back to cancel the hunt, but this leads to conflict.

The feel of this one is more syndicated TV show quality than low budget movie, although there is one part they could never get away with on TV where the helicopter supposedly blows up off screen and you don’t see anything. What, you got stock footage of sheep but not of an exploding helicopter? What kind of operation are you running here?

Donna Jason was in two movies with Cynthia Rothrock (HONOR AND GLORY and UNDEFEATABLE), but she’s no Cynthia Rothrock. She just keeps doing gratuitous cartwheels, a handspring and a couple dancer style kicks. And did I mention the headband. Apparently she stopped doing movies after this and now produces DVDs about the Hawaiian healing massage lomi lomi. It happens.

ABDUCTED II: THE REUNION is probly funnier than part 1, but not any better of a movie. This was not very good. Sorry everybody. I hope Halloween isn’t ruined.


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VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 4th, 2013 at 2:03 am and is filed under Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

8 Responses to “Abducted II: The Reunion”

  1. When I saw the title of this review suddenly show up in my RSS feed, I thought for any reason at first this was a joke.

  2. So it’s a franchise!

    Is the Taylor Lautner version a sequel or a reboot?

  3. These chicks should probably be calling Liam Neeson for help. He’s good at this sort of thing.

  4. So, how about that Godzilla teaser?

  5. My reaction to the Gozilla teaser: Hmm.

  6. I saw this one as part of my mother’s unfortunate DTV rentals of the 90’s. It is as bad as Vern says, although I was a bit naive and have no memory of one o the ladies being into another.

    I also saw the TV movie Vern mentioned in the review of the first movie. Much better than this DTV sequel, but not my favorite made-for-TV movie about mountain man abductions. That would have to be the one I saw that starred Megan Follows (Anne of Green Gables) as a school girl abducted by a weird loner.

    Vern, are you going to review Curse of Chucky?

  7. Looking back this was a really funny movie. Made very seriously, now funny as hell and extremely quotable! Hilarious in a good way I think. :)

  8. If no one can see or hear you in these woods, why is no one being around to save you a problem? Who’s going to bother you if they can’t see or hear you? Does Vern have a good sense of smell or something?

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