I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Bloody Mallory

In a quest for odd action-horror combos I came across this comic booky French movie that kind of seems like their version of a Milla Jovovich vehicle. Although it came out in 2002 it’s not that slick digital type of fake-looking, like ULTRAVIOLET or a RESIDENT EVIL or something. It’s more of a retro-MORTAL KOMBAT type of look with lots of badly composited red cloudy skies, lightning strikes, green fire, etc. But it could use some aggressive KOMBATtty techno music or guitar-and-drums scoring instead of the shitty keyboard-pretends-to-be-orchestra approach.

Mallory (Olivia Bonamy), was “a care free young girl” until her fiancee turned into a demon or something on her wedding night and she had to chop off his head with an ax. She didn’t take to that well, so she died her hair red and always wears a belly-arms-and-cleavage exposing red leather top with the collar pulled up (no time for laundry I guess) and fights monsters as “Leader of Anti-Paranormal Commando.” She drives a pink Cadillac hearse wearing driving gloves that say “FUCK” and “EVIL” on the knuckles.

I don’t know, if you had some devastating trauma that led you on a quest against supernatural evil, would you make up a symbol for yourself? Mallory’s is a stylized letter ‘M’ with fangs. She has it on the back of her shirt and the hood of her car.

She leads a team that consists of a drag queen named Vena Cava (Papillon Jeff Ribler) and a little girl named “Talking Tina” (Thylda Bares) who is mute, but it’s not an ironic nickname like Tommy “Tiny” Lister, it’s ’cause she speaks to them telepathically. Later Tina is killed in battle (SPOILER), but finds she can transfer her consciousness to other bodies. She steals the body of a big bald redneck psycho who attacks them at a gas station decorated TEXAS CHAIN SAW style. Another time she possesses a cute little bat and Mallory carries her around in a fanny pack. Also they have Inspector Durand (Theirry Perkins-Lyautey) as the uptight government representative and later one of the Pope’s security guards becomes a bland love interest type dude (Adria Collado) to bridge the gap between these rebellious monster fighters and the clueless bureaucrats at the Vatican. Through their experiences together each side can learn and grow, or whatever.

Vena is introduced as the explosives specialist, but I don’t remember her using that specialty unless you count one part where her lipstick has some kind of weapon in it. She also has machine guns built into the soles of her platform shoes. I appreciate that this is not a comedy – they never make a joke out of Mallory or the evil she’s fighting – but of course it’s very winky with this fighting transvestite business. When she whips out a razor scooter and rides it through a battle zone they shoot it as if it’s some cool high tech weapon you’ve never seen before. When she’s tied up to be sacrificed but is rescued the inspector tosses her her wig in the way that most movie heroes would toss somebody in the same situation a gun or sword, and then she’s able to fight again.

Also they have little jokes like Mallory purposely runs over black cats as part of her war against evil.

Their battle is against monsters called ghouls, “a hybrid race damned by your God and your genetics.” They kidnap a bunch of nuns and later the new homophobic asshole Pope Hieronymous I (Laurent Spielvogel) as part of a larger plot with larger villains.

She finds a gate/portal thing that brings her to sort of a hell dimension where everything is reddish and she sees silhouetted demonic shit going on inside windows. A little kid runs out in the street and cackles at her. It’s like that Dave Chappelle joke about the baby standing on the street at night, except this kid’s holding a power drill.

So, there are wicked ladies, satanists, a mouthless woman named Morphine, prophecies, the Necronomicon. There are a few cool special effects gags, like when some nuns have pregnant bellies that grow until baby ghouls explode out of them, or when a villainess tears off her skin to reveal a Mallory doppelganger underneath. There’s alot of okay-not-that-good hand to hand fighting sort of in the style of the Buffy the Vampire show or something along those lines.

My problem with the movie is entirely stylistic. Alot of French movies that make it over here can get by on style over substance. Maybe they even have substance, but they’re so drowned in style that nobody would notice. If this was as beautifully realized as CITY OF LOST CHILDREN or THE EXTRAORDINARY ADVENTURES OF ADELE BLANC SAC or even, like, VIDOCQ or something, I would probly really dig it. It’s ambitious and sincere enough in its compiling of silly, pulpy ideas to be fun. But it just has such a low-rent, syndicated TV type of feel that it’s hard to get into it. So many shitty visual effects, no atmosphere, too much flat, Xena-type camera work.

The director/co-writer is Julien Magnat, his second movie as a director. His first sounds kinda in a similar vein: THE ALL NEW ADVENTURES OF CHASTITY BLADE, about a woman who gets shot in the head and finds out she can enter the world of her favorite pulp fiction character. I doubt I’d like it, but I’m intrigued because the lead is Lisa Wilcox, a.k.a. Alice the Dream Master from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4-5. I always wondered what happened to her.

Magnat has only directed one time since, for an actual Milla Jovovich movie called FACES IN THE CROWD in 2011. In between he was a writer for some French TV shows and Iron Man and Garfield cartoons. Sounds about right.

 


VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 5th, 2012 at 11:27 am and is filed under Action, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

17 Responses to “Bloody Mallory”

  1. “When she’s tied up to be sacrificed but is rescued the inspector tosses her her wig in the way that most movie heroes would toss somebody in the same situation a gun or sword, and then she’s able to fight again.”
    See also: Blade’s Sunglasses.

  2. hey, I remember seeing the cover of this movie in Hollywood Video in the early 2000’s (it goes without saying that Hollywood Video is no longer around)

    Hollywood Video used to have a all sorts of shitty B-horror flicks adorning it’s shelves

  3. Hey, the fights on BUFFY were pretty good.

    This movie really seems like something that should have been among the VHS tapes for sale in a small town grocery store circa 1985 or so. With that exact same poster art on the cover of the plastic, hinged video box. In between AMERICAN NINJA, BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION 2, CHERRY 2000, MEATBALLS 2, and FRIDAY THE 13th PART 4.

  4. “This movie really seems like something that should have been among the VHS tapes for sale in a small town grocery store circa 1985 or so. With that exact same poster art on the cover of the plastic, hinged video box. In between AMERICAN NINJA, BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION 2, CHERRY 2000, MEATBALLS 2, and FRIDAY THE 13th PART 4.”

    LMAO, that’s a perfect description

  5. I like how evidently no one here other than Vern has seen this movie

    hey Vern, are you not gonna do another Slasher Search this year?

  6. Actually this movie runs on Pay TV every few weeks over here, but I never put much thought into watching it.

  7. My opinion on shit like this is that if you’re gonna watch this kinda thing, you might as well go all the way and find the batshit craziest motherfucking one out there.

    Which is why I watched Sushi Typhoon’s Mutant Girls Squad recently. I still haven’t fully recovered.

  8. I saw this movie. I bought it off a street vendor in DC. I thought it was pretty bad, but not in an interesting way. Inspired I’m sure by shows like “Buffy” and maybe movies like “Beastmaster” but not nearly as much fun.

  9. Jareth Cutestory

    October 7th, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I think part of the genius of the recent wave of cheap, shlocky Japanese gore films is that they turn everything Vern described as a fault in BLOODY MALLORY into a virtue: poorly staged action, micro-budget special effects, ridiculous plots.

    It actually surprises me that modern French cinema often gets this formula wrong; the modern Extreme Cinema owes so much to French Grand Guignol theatre.

  10. I don’t remember if this was a good movie or not, I saw it when it was a new release, but I have fond memories of it. I rented it at Hollywood Video where my girlfriend at the time worked and her name was Mallory, so for awhile I called her Bloody Mallory.

  11. It would be nice to see a re review for Dead Or Alive, which is a really enjoyable, cheesy, girl-power action flick. It’s gotten a good amount of recommendations on Vern’s suggestions pages as well.

  12. Beast fron the East

    October 7th, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Off topic. Has anybody seen the debate? This shit was more frightening than any Holloween horror movie.
    First Eastwood and then this?
    What the fuck happened to Obama?
    He got slaughtered by this stupid cocky douche. If this keeps on we are going down. for the next two debates he must hire Jay-Z and Nas (maybe even Ice Cube) as beef advisers. They should tell him how to treat this douche. Vern, did you see that shit? Where is the ‘dust over my shoulder quoting’ Obama. I miss him.

  13. I did not see that debate, can someone tell me what went so wrong?

  14. also off topic, but tangentially related, one time in December 2005 my mom got in a fight with a female clerk at Hollywood Video around her same age (by that time the staff at Hollywood Video had become really rude)

    they weren’t yelling or cussing at each other or anything, but they were arguing and it was hilarious, I remember being so dumbstruck that I couldn’t say anything

    unfortunately I don’t remember everything they said, but it started with the fact that we saw a little girl walking around the store placing dvds on the shelves, as it turned out she was evidently that clerks daughter, well for some reason that really pissed my mom off, so she brought it up and that’s what started the argument, it ended with the female clerk sarcastically saying “you know what? I hope you have a Merry Christmas” in a tone of voice that was hilarious

  15. “She also has machine guns built into the soles of her platform shoes.”

    Sounds like Bayonetta, the best, most over the top videogame ever

  16. the building that housed Hollywood Video is now a dentist’s office, I got my teeth cleaned there about a week ago

    what’s funny is they placed in a room that was probably in the same general area where they kept the video games, an area teenage Griff spent a lot of time in, never would I have guessed that one day I’d be getting my teeth cleaned in the same area

  17. and while laying there, getting my teeth cleaned, I kept flashing back to the days of Hollywood Video, when the shelves were stocked with great films like EVIL TOONS, KRACKER JACK’D, HOW TO MAKE A MONSTER and WISHMASTER 3

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