So once again we have survived.

Snake Eater III… His Law

tn_snakeeateriii“I come for the girl. Now kindly dismount and offer her your most sincere apology.”

Part 3 came in 1992, but was not as emblematic of its times as part 2 was. So the best graffiti I could read said “PISS ON MY FACE.” Timeless.

One of the best things about SNAKE EATER III… HIS LAW is that it’s called SNAKE EATER III… HIS LAW. I’m not sure how many movies there are with an elipses in the official title, but whatever ones are out there I’m sure SNAKE EATER III… HIS LAW is in the upper percentile.

Along with that title there are two other great phrases in the opening credits:

1. “Based on the novel ‘Rafferty’s Rules’ by W. Glenn Duncan”

Yes, in the tradition of DIE HARD 2 this is an action movie that lifts part of the plot from a novel about a completely different character. This Rafferty is apparently a P.I. who appeared in a series of novels. They couldn’t call it SNAKE EATER III… RAFFERTY’S RULES, because who the fuck is Rafferty? So I guess they went for paraphrasing it into HIS LAW.

mp_snakeeateriii2. “and Scott ‘Bam Bam’ Bigelow as ‘Goose.'”

Yeah, remember Bam Bam Bigelow? He was an ’80s WWF wrestler that I forgot about. A big bald guy with a detailed tatoo where his hair would’ve been. He wore black tights with flames down them like some kind of rockabilly guy. So I guess it makes sense that he would play an evil biker.

As usual, Soldier gets in trouble at the beginning for overdoing it. Actually he’s not that out of line this time, he happens to be walking by a diner that’s getting robbed and he comes in and pretends that he was planning on robbing the place too in order to confuse the guy and save the hostage. But the hostage is so terrified by his fake threats that she rewards him with a lawsuit. Probly because of the liberals, or bureaucracy or whatever. You know how it is these days.

So he’s on suspension and then can focus on his true life’s calling of murdering criminals and getting away with it without much effort. An old rich couple see him on TV and summon him so they can pay him to get revenge on a biker gang called Hell’s Furies that used their daughter as a sex slave. She’s so far gone that when they introduce her to Soldier she starts to take her panties off.

Soldier goes to a tavern and finds an old buddy of his, a private eye named Cowboy (stuntman Minor Mustain) who’s got kind of an older Fred Ward vibe and does in fact wear a cowboy hat. Together they track down the bikers and enforce… HIS LAW. Rafferty’s Rules I guess were a numbered list of tips for private eyes to remember, like “#8: The client has to say out loud what he wants me to do.” HIS LAW is not the same thing, it’s the ol’ “his own rules,” deal. He feels he doesn’t have to obey the law, because he obeys HIS LAW, which is to get Bam Bam Bigelow to drink beer all day so that even though he takes special pills that make him not have to pee very much he eventually does and then the toilet is boobie trapped to electrocute him. (I’m not clear why they didn’t just shoot him, or why they left the trap and a pyramid of fingerprinted beer cans at the scene.)

There are two instances of characters having to interrupt sex acts because of a phone call and answering it in an odd way. First is the biker leader who takes a long walk to the mobile phone on his bike and says “You wakin me up for this?” I don’t understand why he was pretending he was asleep. Is he really too polite to say that he was dry humping a topless gal on the couch?

Then there’s Soldier, who is getting down and then answers the phone, “Hello, Kelly’s Ballpark.” I’m not sure if this is a reference to “ballin” or that she was doing something with his balls or what.

Bigelow is not the lead villain, which is probly for the best because he seemed alot scarier as a wrestler. Here he tries to fake a gravelly voice and it makes him seem like a phony. He doesn’t look as big as he did in the ring, either. I’m not sure why. Maybe Lorenzo Lamas is taller than you’d think.

The plot is so dumb. It doesn’t make any sense that he keeps getting away with this shit. It’s not like Paul Kersey, where he’s trying to sneak around and cover his tracks. Soldier Kelly does nothing to hide what he’s doing, and even though the cops know who he is and that he’s after these people (and they probly know that he previously confessed to murdering drug dealers and was put in an insane asylum) but they don’t seem to figure out that it’s him. In one scene he and his girlfriend are being stalked by bikers at their house, they try to get away and then Cowboy just drives up and shoots them. Maybe they should’ve thought of that.

But the beauty of the movie is in all the funny dialogue and goofy jokes. There’s a scene where he interrupts a biker having sex with an underage girl and he asks the guy to put on underwear before they fight, then thanks him when he does.

There’s another bar-fight-against-a-bunch-of-bikers scene with a butch girl biker involved. When he’s got her in his sights she switches her voice to be more feminine and asks “You… wouldn’t hit a girl, would ya?” Cut to exterior of bar as she’s tossed through the window.

In that same brawl he fights “Boog,” easily recognizable as Michael Scherer, the guy who played Goliath in part 2. But a totally different character.

My favorite part is when a cop at a crime scene accidentally offends Cowboy. “Hey Soldier,” he yells. “Don’t let me catch you and Roy Rogers playin Sherlock Holmes on this case.”

Cowboy turns, then (taking his time) walks over to the cop. “Dirkie,” he says threateningly. “Do you have a problem with Roy Rogers?”

The camaraderie between Soldier and Cowboy is actually the best part of the movie. No offense to Speedboat from part 2, but Cowboy is a way better partner. I can’t even say sidekick. He’s an equal. I also gotta note that they share a hotel room and lay around in their underwear. I don’t think there’s a J. EDGAR thing going on here, but you never know.

Then they make boobie traps with grenades, crash a big bulldozer into the side of a cabin, etc. There’s a great slo-mo shot of two people on fire flipping through the air after a motorcycle explosion. Good stuff. Because of touches like that SNAKE EATER III is not bad… his not bad.

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VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Monday, April 30th, 2012 at 12:38 am and is filed under Action, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

21 Responses to “Snake Eater III… His Law”

  1. Well it sounds like part III is the pick of the bunch! That’s great, as the other two were okay at best. I’ll have to do my own review on this shortly. Cheers, Vern!

  2. I kind of dug Lamas when he was riding his tiny wave of fame. In fact Renegade was a huge hit on TV in my country, on the same level as Walker Texas Ranger.

    I think Lamas had more charisma than most other C-grade action stars. I like watching his stuff more than I like watching Don “The Dragon” Wilson for example.

    Lamas and Gary Daniels are a bit better than what their resumes look like you know? You kind of feel that they could have had bigger and better movie in their careers, not A-list blockbusters, but better than what they had.

    Daniels had a recent resurgence of sorts with Hunt To Kill (alongside Steve Austin) and in Game of Death (alongside Wesley Snipes), I wish Lamas would get a movie like that too.

    Some guys even started a mini-campaign after The Expendables 1 was out to get Lamas in The Expendables 2 (before any casting was announced). Could work if he would play like a biker (as a throwback to Renegade) that was somehow friends with Mickey Rourke’s character.

    Just rambling, but all in all, Lamas always seemed to be more of a down to earth kind of guy in his movies, like he kicked your ass because you were stupid and not just because he could.

  3. One of the more current things Lamas did, that I really enjoyed and that I’m sure most of you here have neither seen or won’t admit to have seen it, was voicing a cute little alien in one episode of Disney Channel’s PHINEAS & FERB. Most of the time he just says “meap” (I would love to see some video footage of him saying this), but at the end of his episode, he says something more and he totally sells it.

    Here is what I mean. Remember, he is the small alien. (In case it won’t start at the right time, skip to around 9:40)

    http://youtu.be/0HJ8CAfo6NU?t=9m39s

  4. Rest in Peace Bam Bam.

  5. CJ Holden, I was going to comment on a pet peeve of mine, inappropriate voice actor choices… but… no, you’re right, he sold it.

  6. I’m surprised that Vern didn’t mention that Soldier didn’t even ask to get paid in dollars. But in fresh vegetables instead. I’m glad he could enjoy the genius of all the Soldier and Cowboy scenes though.

  7. Darth Irritable

    April 30th, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Bam Bam was a fucking legend in real life. He got put in hospital for two months after getting burns on 40% of his body, rescuing three kids from a fire, for no other reason than they lived near him (and their house was burning I guess, unless he set it on fire in the process of a random rescue, which seems to show quite the lack of foresight).

    Also he could pull off a mean enzuigiri.

  8. Bammers was the shit. His matches against Taz are classic.

  9. While we’re still in Lorenzo Lamas mode, have any of you guys seen “Body Rock?” It was Lamas’ entry into the popular (at the time) breakdancing genre. He plays a guy called “Chilly D” and ends up becoming an overnight pop sensation. This movie is hilarious and awesome, mainly for two different scenes.

    A routine that mashes up “Tron” with “Night of the Living Dead”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=folZzO-uep8

    And a scene where Lamas breaks the fourth wall, moonwalks down the street and proclaims “It’s a live ride!”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UC9mW6m1PY

    Check it out if you’re looking for 90 minutes of fun.

  10. I tried to watch the first Snake Eater movie, and some other stuff with Lamas, but all I see is Lance Cumson trying to act tough. I just haven’t got time enough before I die to deal with Lorenzo Lamas too. Sorry.

  11. That break dance movie video reminded me that I actually have to watch early Lorenzo Lamas shit because SNAKE EATER was my introduction to the guy’s work back in the day. So I’ve only seen everything afterwards like that movie where he was a kickboxer and of course RENEGADE.

  12. Darth Irritable

    May 1st, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Way off topic, but holy shit – Stallone had the balls to give Jet Li’s character in Expendables the name Yin Yang. I never knew that. I just assumed his name was Happy Feet.

  13. Yeah that was pretty bad but not as bad as calling Jean Claude Van Damme’s villain character Jean Vilain. That’s just fucking lazy and lazy is worse than blatantly racist.

  14. You take yourself way too seriously.

  15. Can we agree that they both sound like placeholder names that accidentally got printed up in the finished script?

  16. I never knew that was his name. Yin Yang, I mean. Pretty funny.

  17. …or should I say pletty funny?

  18. Well they had to name Dolph Lungren “Gunner Jennsen” because Dolph Lungren was already taken…

  19. Don’t forget Lee Christmas (Statham), Hale Caesar (Crews) and Toll Road (Couture). I agree that Yin Yang is too much, but I like that they all have ridiculous names. In fact, it’s funny to see a guy with previous character names like “John Spartan” and “Lincoln Hawk” to now be “Barney Ross.”

    If anybody out there does pub trivia they should steal this game I came up with. EXPENDABLES character, HILLS HAVE EYES character, or Palin?

    Crank
    Spitter
    Toll Road
    Goggle
    Track
    Papa Hades
    Chameleon
    Jupiter
    Trigg
    Tool
    Willow
    Big Brain
    Bristol
    Ruby
    Hale Caesar
    Beauty
    Tripp
    Piper
    Mars

  20. Darth Irritable

    May 1st, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    That’s the thing – I love the rocking names – Hale Caesar, and Toll Road leap immediately to mind. But Yin fucking Yang? Sweet mercy, that’s pretty close to calling Terry Crewes’ character Golly Wog. I expected a bit more from Sly.

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