I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern Has Seen The New Seagal, DRIVEN TO KILL!

First of all, let’s be honest: no Steven Seagal character really has to be “driven” into killing. He’s never gonna play a peaceful guy living an uneventful life as a librarian or a computer consultant who one day is forced by circumstances to tap into a savage side of himself he never knew existed. That’s just not a Seagal character type. True, in MARKED FOR DEATH he states an explicit isolationist philosophy to Keith David and only starts killing a few minutes later when his sister’s house gets shot up by gangsters. But even in that one he’s already done a whole bunch of killing earlier in life without necessarily being driven into it. He’s never just an ordinary non-violent guy at the beginning of a movie.

And especially in this one, because although he is a very successful crime writer under the name Jim Vincent, everybody knows he’s actually Ruslan (no last name, like Prince, McG or Vern), former Russian gangster. In a rare visual change to the iconic persona, Seagal sports MARK OF CAIN style tattoos on his forearms. There’s a nice badass moment when some young guys are pushing him around, he breaks a glass on one guy’s head and then pulls up his sleeves. The other guy just about shits his pants before he starts apologizing.

Driven to Kill(Come to think of it I’m surprised there hasn’t been a Seagal movie where a guy got so scared he shit his pants.)

Seagal does try for a Russian accent throughout the movie (unlike in HALF PAST DEAD where he was also supposed to be Russian but only had a Kevin Costner level of dedication to the accent). I’m one of the bigger Seagal fans you will find but I have to admit that accents are more one of his hobbies than one of his talents. Still, he’s been trying since movie #3, OUT FOR JUSTICE, so it would be a little late to start complaining now.

Following up AGAINST THE DA RK, my all time least favorite Seagal movie (because he’s barely in it) and the disappointing KILL SWITCH by this same director, DRIVEN TO KILL is kind of a relief. It’s not great but it’s somewhere around the upper range of his DTV work. The photography’s less ugly than usual, the fights are very violent, the story isn’t too convoluted, and he seems like he’s putting some effort into it. I mean everybody knows Seagal is a Buddhist, right? But in this movie he wears a crucifix, because that’s what the character would wear. It’s not exactly Viggo Mortensen going to Siberia and travelling around as his character from EASTERN PROMISES, but it’s better than AGAINST THE DARK where his only character trait was “has sword.”

I’m also starting to wonder if a new sub-section of the DTV Era is developing. Starting with the great URBAN JUSTICE Seagal has been mostly playing self-loathing fathers. In that one he lived above a liquor store trying to get revenge for the murder of his dead son, in PISTOL WHIPPED he was an alcoholic trying to repair his relationship with his daughter, in AGAINST THE DARK they didn’t say jack shit about his character so I will just pretend that he was also an alcoholic trying to repair his relationship with his daughter but in a world overrun by vampires, and in this one he’s an estranged father trying to begin a relationship with his future son-in-law and try to make sure the guy does right by his daughter.

We know Ruslan’s not exactly fond of himself because of the opening scene where he shows off to his now-customary way-younger-than-him-girlfriend by playing a game where he crushes paper cups not knowing which one has a metal spike under it. She asks what the trick is and he says it’s to “not give a fuck.” He’s a writer who will risk the use of his hand because his girlfriend wants him to show her a trick.

Oh yeah, the plot: right before his daughter’s wedding, some thugs come in, kill Ruslan’s ex-wife, put his daughter in a coma, steal some stuff. It’s obviously a set up and there are a number of suspects: the sleazy lawyer new-husband of the ex-wife, the rival Russian gangster father of the groom (played by Igor Jijikine, the scariest looking Russian in KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS), I guess maybe the groom himself, and the one-armed man or somebody. So of course Ruslan has to figure out who did it and kill the god damn shit out of them, plus other people along the way.

There are a bunch of themes going on here, and the main one is revenge. Of course, he’s out for revenge (or justice) in a bunch of his movies, but in this one the characters keep talking about it. First, the lawyer-husband tells him he would like revenge, but is not as good at it as Ruslan, and would like Ruslan to get the revenge. (I would chop the wood, but you’re so much better at it than me, maybe I’ll just stay here and drink lemonade while you do it.) Then Ruslan goes to Stephan, the groom, and demands that he come with him to help get the revenge. Co-revenge. Then Stephan’s father reveals to his thugs that he actually (SPOILER) set up the whole thing because he wanted his son to get revenge, to make a man out of him. Rite of passage. Like sending him to camp.

This is also not the first Seagal movie where he still talks to his ex-wife and is better than her new husband. He hates himself but knows the new guy is a scumbag and hits on the ex in Russian right in front of the guy. These are not problems the slim, high kicking action stars of the ’80s and ’90s usually thought about.

Ruslan was obviously not a great father, because he hasn’t seen his daughter in years, but now I believe he’s kind of spoiling her. You see, his daug hter is hard to kill. In other words, she’s in a coma but they told everybody she was dead to protect her from assassins, exactly like Mason Storm in HARD TO KILL. But Mason Storm didn’t have his dad to get revenge for him, he had to wake up 7 years later, re-train himself, then find who is responsible and personally take them to the blood bank. Ruslan has worked hard for his daughter to have a more comfortable life than him, so he’s getting the revenge for her, saying “Those who did this to you will cry tears of blood. This I promise you.”

Stephan’s a square, but his gangster father wants him to follow in the family trade. Ruslan at first seems to think Stephan is a sissy, and pushes him into a situation where he kills somebody for the first time. But ultimately I think he’s trying to give Stephan kind of a SCARED STRAIGHT demonstration so that he won’t be like his father and will be a good husband.

The action is above average DTV. Lots of shootouts and rough early Seagal style hand-to-hand, some of the trademark Seagal knife fighting. No swords. (I guess Russian gangsters do martial arts, they just don’t get into the samurai shit.) Like in KILL SWITCH the fights are almost uncomfortably brutal – there’s enough gore in here to match some horror movies. There’s a couple of impalements with guys still gasping for air as the blood squirts out of them. The best kill (SPOILER) is the last one, when Ruslan uses a gun as a blunt weapon, impaling his opponent’s eyeball.

The best news: none of that Michael Bay on speed editing like in KILL SWITCH. That was literally the worst editing I’ve ever seen in a movie, and thank God they didn’t do that to this one. The only similar part is a weird series of jump cuts as a guy just stands there with his ear bleeding.

DRIVEN TO KILL is Seagal’s first movie under a new distribution deal with Fox instead of Sony. So the fact that it doesn’t suck as bad as the last two might be a sign that they’re letting him do what he wants or that he cares more now or something. Also the Photoshopping on the cover isn’t as bad as usual – that might even be his real body! It’s actually kind of a cool looking cover. “They took his daughter. So he’s taking them down.” It is misleading, though, because he does not actually burn down or blow up Russia. (SPOILER.)

I do think they should’ve stuck with the original title RUSLAN. Less generic and kind of a nod to NICO, the overseas title for ABOVE THE LAW. For some reason DRIVEN TO KILL keeps making me think it’s about deadly ex-CIA race car drivers.

That’s in for my preliminary findings.

–Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41117.

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • May 18, 2009, 2:36 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by skimn

    Takin another one for the team…

  • May 18, 2009, 2:38 p.m. CST

    um…what?

    by Glory_Fades_ImMaxFischer

    This site just wrote a more in depth article about a fucking steven seagal movie than it has any other movie in the last 3 years.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:42 p.m. CST

    Re: eye impalement-Do I need help?

    by skimn

    I’ve envisioned a sequence in a fight scene, where the hero, while being strangled, searches for a nearby weapon. Finds a pop bottle (Coke preferably), and rams in into the villians eye socket, which results in the eyeball plopping to the bottom of bottle…so, do I need therapy, or a screenplay…??

  • May 18, 2009, 2:44 p.m. CST

    How big is he in this?

    by Aloy

    Is he approaching Dan Ackroyd size?

  • May 18, 2009, 2:46 p.m. CST

    wow

    by nostairway

    I wish the other writers on this site wrote about good movies as good as Vern writes about bad ones.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:46 p.m. CST

    It’s been online for a week now

    by Orionsangels

  • May 18, 2009, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Good (SPOILER) review, Vern!

    by xsi kal

    Thanks for the laughs, as ever…

  • May 18, 2009, 2:48 p.m. CST

    I got this killing to do, but my car’s in the shop.

    by TheContinentalOp

    Can I get a ride? I’ll pay for gas.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    wuhahaaaa…..

    by AdzonVonMelk

    what´s that? a freakin university-thesis or something? haha… do you use it as homework? about… about a steven seagal-movie? hmmmwuhahahaa…

  • May 18, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    I can’t stand Seagal

    by Continentalop

    But I will say in the early 90’s he was born to play Frank Castle, the Punisher.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Ah, Fox

    by moviemaniac-7

    No one bitching about this one & Rothman’s tenure at Fox? Heh heh heh. Nah, Seagal – who has the combined careers of Troy McClure and McBain – has sunk deep & far. It is funny to organize a Steven Seagal film fest from time to time. Only movies post Under Siege 2 can be shown, though. Good piece on a crappy (I assume, given the man’s output of recent) movie. More please!

  • May 18, 2009, 2:53 p.m. CST

    ContinentalOp, this has got to stop.

    by TheContinentalOp

    There can be only one. But I will take a cue from Seagal and take the honorable route, albeit with less eyeball-impaling. The name is yours. When next we meet, I will have a new name. And justice will have a new face.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:55 p.m. CST

    I once heard that the best directing gig

    by Continentalop

    …is directing a Steven Seagal movie.

    Steven apparently wants to direct his own features, but most bond companies won’t let him do that, so they always hire a director for guild scale to direct his movies. About week 3 or 4 Seagal starts flipping out and has the director fired and takes over the show anyways.

    Of course, that directors pay is guaranteed, and guild rates are like $200,000. So instead of working 13 weeks on a movie, directors are only working 3 or 4 weeks and than going on paid vacation.

    Supposedly some of them will even book travel plans for sometime around week six.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:56 p.m. CST

    I always liked Segal.

    by ganymede3010

    Although mindless, his movies have always entertained.

  • May 18, 2009, 2:57 p.m. CST

    TheContinentalOp

    by Continentalop

    That is very honorable of you, but it doesn’t bother me if there are two of us. If people can’t tell us apart, it just shows how lazy they are for not noticing the “The” in front of your name.

    Plus, you obviously have good taste in literature.

  • May 18, 2009, 3 p.m. CST

    So it’s like all the other Seagals.

    by ReportAbuse

    Sounds like an incredibly tedious affair.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:01 p.m. CST

    ContinentalOp

    by TheContinentalOp

    Yeah, but you seem to start a lot more shit than I do, and then I get the blowback. It’s cool, though. It’s what the Op would do: turn both sides against the middle.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Classic review – More entertaining than the film – oops, I mean

    by BillyMayesHere

    You crushed it, Vern. Thanks again.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    And not to dump on Seagal too much but…

    by ReportAbuse

    …isn’t he supposed to be a reincarnated Tibetan lama? You’d think he’d try to show some of that enlightenment (or at least make a nod to it) by producing some more uplifting material. Expand his horizons a little. Doesn’t he get bored? I worked on the set of one of his films in L.A. a few years ago — Black Dawn I think it was — and remember him and his two big black dogs and he seemed really standoffish. I was warned to keep an eye out for strangers on the set as it was rumored that the mob was out to get him or something. There’s a documentary about SS’s life just waiting to be made I suspect.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Seems there’s more to him …

    by ReportAbuse

    Maybe I’m selling this guy short. From his Wiki bio: “Seagal is also a recording artist and guitarist and the founder of Steven Seagal Enterprises. In addition to his professional achievements, he is also known as an environmentalist, an animal rights activist and, like other actors such as Richard Gere, is a supporter of Tenzin Gyatso the 14th Dalai Lama and the cause of Tibetan independence. Spiritualism and Buddhism play an important role in Seagal’s life and he has been recognized by Tibetan lama Penor Rinpoche as a reincarnated Tulku. According to Seagal in a November 2006 interview: ‘I was born very different, clairvoyant and a healer’.” What would really be cool is seeing some of this depth in his movies, imo.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:09 p.m. CST

    ReportAbuse

    by TheContinentalOp

    In Hard To Kill, he totally lit some incense. Does that count?

  • May 18, 2009, 3:17 p.m. CST

    I start a lot of shit?

    by Continentalop

    The only guy I have ever had a problem with here at AICN was this nut who was basically fighting with everybody in the comic book forum, and he got banned two weeks ago.

    I, on the other hand, am a walking symbol of civility.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Dude, Out for Justice is movie #4!

    by OGoncho

    Admit it, Vern, you don’t really know SHIT about Steven Seagal, do you?!
    Go back to your period costume-dramas, wuss.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:23 p.m. CST

    Skimn

    by DerLanghaarige

    Screenplay. SCREENPLAY!!!!

  • May 18, 2009, 3:33 p.m. CST

    ContinentalOp

    by TheContinentalOp

    I stand corrected. I didn’t know who started the fight. Also, some other guy on the Mad Max board was asking me if I sobered up or some shit like that, so I assumed you’d broken a beer bottle over his face and stolen his girlfriend or something. Which I applaud. You’re getting more use out of the name than I am.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:38 p.m. CST

    I wish Bale and Big Steve would make a movie

    by CHRISTIAN_BALE_TRASHED_MY_LIGHTS

    They could be mis-matched cops who are both badasses, out for justice, marked for death and driven to kill, who find themselves on deadly ground and under seige. Or whatever.
    You know you’d watch it.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:42 p.m. CST

    Self-hating phase

    by subtlety

    haven’t made it that far into the Seagal DTV era (working through them in order as I read “Seagalogy” — now up to “Belly of the Beast”) it would be interesting to see Seagal reflect on his diminishing stature in film. I mean, I can’t imagine he’ll ever do something as meta as “JCVD” but I think its kinda neat that he’s playing older men who are taking stock of their life and their accomplishments. I also think this plot in particular might be an interesting one, in that Seagal is playing someone who is known to most of the world as a different person than he really is. Seagal certainly seems to feel that way about his own life.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:51 p.m. CST

    “kill the god damn shit out of them”

    by Darth Busey

    Good line. Another hot review, Vern.

  • May 18, 2009, 3:52 p.m. CST

    But does anyone get kicked in the balls 13 times???

    by johnnyangelheart

    That is the new standard that a Seagal movie must exceed.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:02 p.m. CST

    Shriven to Kill

    by johnnyangelheart

    Steven Seagal, a newly ordained priest, seeks absolution after kicking various bad guys in the balls thirteen times.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:05 p.m. CST

    JVCD should have been the villian in Rush Hour 3

    by MANNZILLA

    And he should have been in the expendables. I know alot of people hate Seagull but Sly should have considered him too.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:07 p.m. CST

    Driving Miss Daisy to Kill.

    by cookylamoo

    Just let me out here, Hoke, and hand me my Uzi.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Der

    by skimn

    Thanks buddy. Gots to be cheaper than a shrink.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:45 p.m. CST

    “enough gore in here to match some horror movies”

    by Cisco Dyke

    This would great on the poster. Thanks, Vern.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:51 p.m. CST

    Piven To Kill

    by CHRISTIAN_BALE_TRASHED_MY_LIGHTS

    Kind of like “Kill Bill” except it’s got Big Steve in the Uma role and a certain Entourage actor as himself in the Bill role.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Driven to pills!

    by cookylamoo

    The Rush Limbaugh story.

  • May 18, 2009, 4:56 p.m. CST

    Driven To Drill

    by DerLanghaarige

    That’s the porn version of it.

  • May 18, 2009, 5 p.m. CST

    Driven To Drill

    by DerLanghaarige

    That’s the porn version of it.

  • May 18, 2009, 5:01 p.m. CST

    Driven To Double Post

    by DerLanghaarige

    Sorry for that.

  • May 18, 2009, 5:25 p.m. CST

    Nice to see DTV and Seagal get some love

    by SmokeFilledTavern

    I haven’t watched one of his new films in awhile, but the DTV actio and horror markets have been producing some gems lately. Dolph Lundgren has been in some cool stuff, but the titles themselves are pretty generic and forgettable.

  • May 18, 2009, 5:27 p.m. CST

    Vern is the only decent writer left.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Give him some fucking respect. He actually chooses to write about interesting projects.

  • May 18, 2009, 5:32 p.m. CST

    Seagal is Buddhist?

    by happyboy

    I thought he was Jewish/Fake Italian

  • May 18, 2009, 5:35 p.m. CST

    Fuck! i thought DICKBLOOD has been banned

    by The_Man_Behind_The_Curtain

    depressing to read a cool new Vern review only to discover that DICKBLOOD is still around. When the fuck are we going to get rid of that fucking douche?

  • May 18, 2009, 5:56 p.m. CST

    The man is a true Aikido Master

    by Charlie Allnut

    Seriously, I was training in Japan while he was there. He had great moves. So, why doesn’t he put any Aikido philosophy into his movies?

  • May 18, 2009, 6:10 p.m. CST

    You guys ever hear the “Judo” Gene LaBell story?

    by Continentalop

    I always wondered if that was true or not.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:20 p.m. CST

    The Gene LaBell story is true…..

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    ….but who cares? He got him in a particular hold where you lose control of your bowels. It had nothing to do with fear as some would have you believe. There’s probably 3 other guys on the planet capable of pulling that shit on Seagal. So? He could still crack the necks on 99.999967474% of the world.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:20 p.m. CST

    A View to a Kill….oh wait

    by IndyCollector

  • May 18, 2009, 6:21 p.m. CST

    Transformers 2

    by ballyhoo

    You ARE going to review it, right Vern?

  • May 18, 2009, 6:22 p.m. CST

    Glory_Fades_ImMaxFischer — Vern isn’t “THIS SITE.”

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    He is a God amongst fans of all things kick ass. He is a BALEIEVER. He merely contributes to AICN now and then, and in return for posting some of the best shit around here– they give him jack shit.

    Check out his site. He’s got some cool shit going down.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:24 p.m. CST

    Continentalop — I like your directing story….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …but it doesn’t make sense. Seagal films don’t shoot longer than 3 or 4 weeks, so he’d have to mutiny that bitch around Day 4.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:26 p.m. CST

    Andrew Davis

    by blakindigo

    I wonder why Segal hasn’t done any more pictures with Andrew Davis? I he brought a lot to Segal’s movies back in the day.

    And, “Code of Silence” is a tight number, Chuck Norris’ best I think.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:31 p.m. CST

    Shooting Days

    by blakindigo

    I think Segal’s films are around 24-33 days. So, maybe the director would be sent packing by the second week or so…

  • May 18, 2009, 6:31 p.m. CST

    No Jamaican Twins, No Peace

    by Aquatarkusman

    Know Jamaican Twins, Know Peace

  • May 18, 2009, 6:35 p.m. CST

    DANNY…

    by Continentalop

    The way I heard it is was that Steven was bragging how Gene couldn’t choke him out because his “Chi” was to great. Of course, this was after the two of them had already started arguing because Seagal supposedly kept hitting the stunt men in their cocks.

    As for the director stories, I know that the guild guarantees you 13 weeks of pay (10 weeks shooting plus 2 for prep and one for wrapping up, I believe) so if you shoot even just six or seven weeks you get the guild minimum. I imagine some of his movies went at least ten weeks, but I can’t imagine his latest ones taking that long to shoot. Mark it down as apocryphal.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:38 p.m. CST

    Yeah, Seagal crapped his pants…

    by Continentalop

    ..because that is what a choke will do to you, make you lose muscle control. I always liked the story not because I think it makes Seagal look like a wimp, but because it is a lesson in humility.

    C’mon Seagal, you are tough but that doesn’t mean there are not guys out there that can’t take you down.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:38 p.m. CST

    In most recent Seagal DTV films….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    ….its always about 50/50 shit and kick ass. Don’t get me wrong– I enjoy the fuck out of the whole thing, but there are clearly 2 different levels of quality battling it out that vary scene by scene. I wonder which is which……

  • May 18, 2009, 6:44 p.m. CST

    This explains why they employ the choke hold….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    ….so often in today’s porn. You just wouldn’t get that force of anal entry without it.
    GENE LaBELL = THE KING OF ANAL SEX

  • May 18, 2009, 6:45 p.m. CST

    DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    by blakindigo

    Can you explain what you mean by the quality scene by scene bit? Do you mean choreography or performance? Or in the style? Curious about your thoughts.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:48 p.m. CST

    So maybe they should change his nickname

    by Continentalop

    To “Backdoor” LaBelle?

  • May 18, 2009, 6:53 p.m. CST

    Vintage Footage of Segal Practicing Aikido

    by Charlie Allnut

  • May 18, 2009, 6:54 p.m. CST

    blakindigo….I mean pretty much everything….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …the photography, choreography, acting quality, etc. I’m thinking of Pistol Whipped in particular. 3 scenes (not just fight scenes) would be fantastic and suddenly it would hit a point where the quality in pretty much every department goes to shit….five minutes later it looks good again. Back and forth like that. It really feels like 2 units were shooting. But still– overall that film rocked my fucking world. Especially the slomo black and white opening where Seagal is firing behind his back without looking, in the cemetery. Awesome.

  • May 18, 2009, 6:56 p.m. CST

    that footage is awesome!! HE NEVER STOPS MOVING!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Its beautiful.

  • May 18, 2009, 7 p.m. CST

    Gotcha. I haven’t seen “Pistol Whipped”

    by blakindigo

    I’ll get it. Thanks for the recommendation.

  • May 18, 2009, 7 p.m. CST

    That footage sucked!!!

    by Continentalop

    No, actually it was pretty damn cool.

  • May 18, 2009, 7 p.m. CST

    You know who makes Backdoor LaBelle shit himself…

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …without a hold?
    Christian fucking Bale. He numbs the bowels with his mere words.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:01 p.m. CST

    Danny…

    by Continentalop

    I just shit myself right now at the mention of Christian Bale.

    Damn. I crapped myself again.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:02 p.m. CST

    PIstol Whipped is one of his best films in years.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Its a damn fun film. And his acting is actually very good in it. We see some very human moments for the first time, like Seagal picking up on a fine dark skinned honey at a bar, or going to see his ex wife. The script was a vast improvement over his recent work before that. Hopefully this new follows with more of that…

  • May 18, 2009, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Seagal

    by Continentalop

    Personally, there is a lot I don’t like about Seagal: his movies usually are bad; the characters are usually one dimensional and pretty much the same each movie; he comes across as cocky and arrogant; and his acting at times can be just awful.

    BUT the guy obviously has a presence that can’t be denied. There is something about him that just makes you want to watch him and kick ass. I was being honest earlier when I said he was the guy that was meant to play the Punisher.

    Hopefully some day he will be in a movie that I think will actually showcase all these talents he has properly.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:07 p.m. CST

    Everything you described is exactly why I love Seagal.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I didn’t realize there were still people on this Earth that didn’t like him. Thats interesting.
    Watch this and try to tell me you still don’t love the guy…
    http://tinyurl.com/y9s2ww

  • May 18, 2009, 7:12 p.m. CST

    Continentalop

    by blakindigo

    You didn’t like “Above the Law”? That was solid especially considering the competition at the time (in the same budget range — well, excluding the earlier ‘Gymkata,’ of course). Most other martial arts movies were released by Cannon in the States, I believe. “Above the Law” was a breath of fresh air. Plus, it had Henry Silva!

  • May 18, 2009, 7:12 p.m. CST

    AND Pam Grier!!!!!

    by blakindigo

  • May 18, 2009, 7:17 p.m. CST

    Nothing can compete with Gymkata

    by Continentalop

    Kurt Thomas can kick anybodies ass (as long as he has something that he can use as parallel bars or a horse).

  • May 18, 2009, 7:19 p.m. CST

    No, there is something “likable” about him

    by Continentalop

    He is like that guy at the bar who thinks he is so cool but is completely oblivious about how big of douchebag he is? You can’t hate the guy and the fact he is so delusional makes him even likable.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:21 p.m. CST

    But I can’t really criticize Seagal movies

    by Continentalop

    My favorite Chuck Norris move (besides The Octagon) is Silent Rage.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:21 p.m. CST

    ABOVE THE LAW, HARD TO KILL, OUT FOR JUSTICE

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    The holy fucking trinity.
    BEST OF SEAGAL:
    http://tinyurl.com/c64jwg
    There is a lot of shit missing, but this is a pretty good compilation.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:24 p.m. CST

    A Segal remake of “Gymkata”?

    by blakindigo

    I can hope, can’t I?

  • May 18, 2009, 7:25 p.m. CST

    STEVEN SEAGAL GOTTA EAT!!

    by RobertBaron

    No seriously he does. He’s gotten so fat I thought he was wearing a fat suit in one of his recent films I caught on cable late one night. Dude is muthafuckin fat.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:25 p.m. CST

    Have any of you seen ENTER THE NINJA?

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    That shit is fucking awesome. One of my favorite Canon films.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:26 p.m. CST

    Did I really see “Silent Rage” in the cinema?

    by blakindigo

    Really? REALLY?! Dammit!!

  • May 18, 2009, 7:27 p.m. CST

    JCVD

    by Otis_Burg

    Is better than any Segal movie….sadly, Steve knows this all too well

  • May 18, 2009, 7:27 p.m. CST

    Steven Seagal is so fat…

    by RobertBaron

    you have to roll him in flower and find the wet spot. That is, if you were gay and and if he had Tommy’s chili shitz after lunch.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:27 p.m. CST

    WHO CARES WHEN UNIVERSAL SOLDER 3 IS FUCKING OUR EYEBALLS IN 200

    by Wolverines_Leaky_Workprint

  • May 18, 2009, 7:27 p.m. CST

    2009

    by Wolverines_Leaky_Workprint

  • May 18, 2009, 7:28 p.m. CST

    fuck. flour i meant

    by RobertBaron

    you have to roll fat ass Steve Segal in flour.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Alicia Sacramone for Gymkata remake

    by Continentalop

    Seriously. She knows how to throw a punch.

    http://tinyurl.com/qy2mj2

  • May 18, 2009, 7:30 p.m. CST

    Yes I have Danny

    by Continentalop

    When I was younger I went through a “ninja” phase (Enter the Ninja, the Octagon, The Master TV series, Daredevil comic books, etc).

  • May 18, 2009, 7:30 p.m. CST

    I. Love. “Enter the NInja”

    by blakindigo

    Franco Nero playing a Stephen Hayes look–a–like ‘white ninja’. What’s NOT to love?

  • May 18, 2009, 7:43 p.m. CST

    Enter The Ninja is fantastic.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I fucking love a White Vader ninja that looks like John Holmes. He channeled Holmes in the scene when the chick pulls the shotgun on him and he spins her around and grabs her by the tit for no apparent reason. And the always reliable use of the line “You know someday this war’s gonna end,” in the Nam flashbacks. Fucking superb.

  • May 18, 2009, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Enter The Ninja — gay porn title

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • May 18, 2009, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Starring “Backdoor” LaBell

    by Continentalop

  • May 18, 2009, 7:55 p.m. CST

    ENTER THE NINJA — Starring Backdoor LaBell

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    http://tinyurl.com/2rkvrr

  • May 18, 2009, 8:09 p.m. CST

    NEEDS GIANT TOMMY LEE JONES ROBOTS

    by Sal_Bando

    Under Seige IV: PONY TAIL of DOOM

  • May 18, 2009, 8:20 p.m. CST

    Ah, shit

    by Vern

    You’re right, OUT FOR JUSTICE is #4. My sincerest apologies to MARKED FOR DEATH.

  • May 18, 2009, 9:26 p.m. CST

    Watching this tommorow.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    10 more years until Seagalogy 2. Can’t wait Vern.

  • May 18, 2009, 9:29 p.m. CST

    Holy Fuck Vern. Kill Switch was seizure inducing

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Mike Tyson could’ve edited it better on Robin Given’s IBM 5150.

  • May 18, 2009, 9:31 p.m. CST

    And yeah Brother Danny. Pistol Whipped is the Shit.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    That and Urban Justice. DTV excellence.

  • May 18, 2009, 9:38 p.m. CST

    Too late; the damage is done.

    by OGoncho

    In all future editions of Seagalogy I’ll be expecting at least a thank you in the acknowledgements section.

  • May 18, 2009, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Belly of the Beast — Vern, Anything This Good?

    by topaz4206

    I haven’t seen all the Seagals (roughly 50%) but I have yet to see anything approaching the awesomeness of Belly of the Beast.

    Witch Doctors, Unexplained Asian Hookers with magically appearing/disappearing tattoos, fat Steven climbing up walls and sliding 30 feet (slowly) across the ground… PRAYER WARS between monks and the witch doctor…voodoo dolls!

    It’s the perfect “joint and beer with friends” movie — Vern, anything approaching this level of audacious (unintentional?) hilarity?

  • May 18, 2009, 9:45 p.m. CST

    And that’s letting you off lightly, my friend.

    by OGoncho

    I got your number, buddy.

  • May 18, 2009, 10:04 p.m. CST

    Some things you’ll never see . . .

    by lavaboat

    a Steven Seagal character do in a movie. 1. Roll up a garden hose. No sir, Seagal’s got no time for hose-rolling non-sense. In fact, Seagal characters don’t give a shit about anything related to hoses, lawncare or even water I’ll bet. And if you were some well-meaning neighbor trying to impress him with some irrigation theory bullshit . . . man oh man, don’t even go there. 2. Help a friend move. Okay, you’re getting ready to move and all your buddies have flaked out on you and the last two names on your buddy list are Sir Alec Guiness and Casey Ryback. Which one should you call? Grab a shovel. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re a good friend with some scary baddies after you he’ll save your ass big time. But asking Seagal to help you move couches and shit is just taking advantage. And besides, Seagal has got better things to do than pull his groin while helping lug a box of your silly-ass comic books. 3. Dispute a phone bill charge. I dunno. Can’t picture it. 4. Lick an envelope shut. This small motion would require valuable hard drive space already reserved for the latest maiming techniques.

  • May 18, 2009, 10:04 p.m. CST

    ON DEADLY GROUND

    by maitlanr

  • May 18, 2009, 10:23 p.m. CST

    I heard he has a new movie in developement…

    by Pouchstalker

    Driven to Diet.. They say he kick’s Jenny Craigs’ ass in the final fight scene. It was over a box of doughnuts , but that’s a spoiler.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:52 a.m. CST

    Urban Justice had a trailer on Pistol Whipped….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …I’ve been meaning to see it.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:52 a.m. CST

    Pouchstalker

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I’d like to hear you tell that joke with Seagal’s fat fucking fist down your fat fucking throat.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:53 a.m. CST

    just one name

    by the_knightfall

    Reminds me of McLovin.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:58 a.m. CST

    Lavaboat

    by Vern

    I think he might lick an envelope shut in OUT OF REACH. He has a pen pal in that one.

  • May 19, 2009, 1 a.m. CST

    Belly of the Beast

    by Vern

    That one is unique in Seagal’s filmography. I think it’s one of the only ones that has the distinctive mark of its director, in this case Ching Siu-Tung who even got asskicking transvestites in there like in his SWORDSMAN movies. That’s a crazy fuckin movie. There are other ones that might make you laugh as much (have you seen ON DEADLY GROUND?) but none with quite the level of wacko.

  • May 19, 2009, 1:02 a.m. CST

    Danny

    by Vern

    You gotta see URBAN JUSTICE. It’s not as weird as PISTOL WHIPPED, it’s raw and cheap looking, but its straightforward and brutal. It’s like the vicious asskicking Seagal of OUT FOR JUSTICE but now old and living above a liquor store looking for the people who murdered his son. Somehow Eddie Griffin makes a pretty good villain and Danny Trejo even has a bit part.

  • May 19, 2009, 1:04 a.m. CST

    It would be cool if he changed it up….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …and played some janitor or some shit, just trying to raise his daughter in a shit town. Some thugs move in (sorta like Gran Turino) and he’s gotta take matters into his own hands. But embrace his physical presence these days. Make him an average joe, not a judo master. It would be bad ass to see him slamming a dude’s face through a car window like an ordinary cat, not bustin’ out the moves, just fighting like a pissed off dad would. And he needs a fucking shovel. A snow shovel.

  • May 19, 2009, 1:34 a.m. CST

    BRINGINGSEXYBACK IS … FORCED TO CHILL

    by BringingSexyBack

    You don’t have to ask me twice!

  • May 19, 2009, 1:42 a.m. CST

    Vern repeat after me…

    by Orionsangels

    Harry Knowles is a false prophet and Hollywood is a superstition. Go ahead, say it. Louder! Harry Knowles is a false prophet and Hollywood is a superstition! LOUDER! Harry Knowles is a false prophet and Hollywood is a superstition!!! ARGGH!!! I drink your milk shake! My straw goes across the room, into your milkshake, I drink it up sluuuuuurp!!! I win!!!

  • May 19, 2009, 1:47 a.m. CST

    MEGAN FOX IS … FORCED TO SWALLOW

    by BringingSexyBack

    Well, maybe not forced. Asked is more like it.

  • May 19, 2009, 1:57 a.m. CST

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS … OUT TO LUNCH

    by BringingSexyBack

  • May 19, 2009, 2:16 a.m. CST

    Great review Vern

    by zed261

    I haven’t seen Segal movie for ages…I will try this one

  • May 19, 2009, 2:32 a.m. CST

    Out For Justice is a man’s movie

    by Toby_FN_Wong

    If you don’t like Out For Justice you are not a man.<b><b>

    I always finished watching Seagal and Van Damme movies no matter how bad they are. I would rather support their movies than those candy-coated big budget Hollywood pussyfests.

  • May 19, 2009, 3:11 a.m. CST

    I wish you didn’t say that Toby

    by Continentalop

    Because now I just found out I am not a man.

    Better start tucking in the candy.

  • May 19, 2009, 3:48 a.m. CST

    Glimmer Man

    by Prossor

    I never got in the book Seagology which was awesome btw the critique that Seagal isn’t right to fight serial killers. I mean one time serial killers and it’s bad???? C’mon he needs a colorful rogues gallery too! and seven had just come out so the bandwagon was there. no complaining about vampires either right? next up robots i hope and aliens.

  • May 19, 2009, 4:13 a.m. CST

    I hate that fast paced editing

    by deanbarry

    That almost causes an epliletic fit in a non eplilepsy sufferer. I viewed CATOMAN (fuck that movie)..and it was atrocious. A scene lasted 2 seconds before jump cutting to something else, and then it jumped again.

    CRAP! Hate it.

    But i LOVE Sea Gull! He’s great :)

  • May 19, 2009, 4:17 a.m. CST

    Prossor

    by Vern

    I just thought at least with the mood of GLIMMER MAN it was less fun to see him go after one sicko pervert than an army of gangsters or crooked cops or whatever. But you don’t have to agree with me on that.

    He also chased serial killers in KILL SWITCH. Two different ones.

    Robots are cool but I’d like to see him go after the Klan now. I know it’s not exactly ripped from today’s headlines, but the old Cannon type movies where they fight against white supremacists are always fun.

    Thanks for reading the book, glad you enjoyed it.

  • May 19, 2009, 4:58 a.m. CST

    Vern, Seagal should be in a “remake” of Hardcore

    by Continentalop

    And no, I am not joking. Hell, he should have been in Taken (which is basically Hardcore meets Point Blank). Liam was good, but that is a part that is just right for Seagal – you wouldn’t even need the bad exposition scene where you see Liam save the pop star. You already KNOW Seagal is a bad ass, but you get to watch him shake off the cobwebs and go after his daughter.

  • May 19, 2009, 5:31 a.m. CST

    It’d be fun to see Segal given a real role.

    by Sal_Bando

    Well you know what I mean-put him in a grade-A movie, even if it was in a Robert Foster in ‘Jackie Brown’ kinda thing. I was one of those luddites who kept on going back for all those lousy Bronson Cannon Films ala ‘Messenger of Death’ or ‘Kinjite’ or ‘Die Hard 22’. Being a fan you have to. But it’s always just more of the same. Segal has some life left in him am sure a decent Tarentino or whomever should be able to make some use of him.

  • May 19, 2009, 6:32 a.m. CST

    But does he get his daughter a record deal?

    by Spandau Belly

    I mean, I just saw TAKEN, and we all know now that rescuing your daughter from certain death at the hands of sadists and risking life and limb to take down the whole underground organization for her don’t mean jack unless you finish it off by getting her a shot at being the next Hillary Duff.

  • May 19, 2009, 8:08 a.m. CST

    Vern, I know On Deadly Ground is your favorite SS film but…

    by Stuntcock Mike

    To me, Out for Justice is still the film which all others must live up too.

  • May 19, 2009, 8:09 a.m. CST

    do we get the trademark pose and facial expression

    by jack_effing_bauer

    like this one: http://cdn-4.nflximg.com/us/boxshots/large/70043324.jpg

    the grimaced look like he’s taking a dump and the crossed over hands with a gun in one of them? otherwise, i don’t know that i’ll rent this one.

  • May 19, 2009, 8:23 a.m. CST

    STEVEN SEAGAL: MALL COP

    by BringingSexyBack

  • May 19, 2009, 8:35 a.m. CST

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS ….. LOOKING FOR PUSSY

    by BringingSexyBack

  • May 19, 2009, 8:37 a.m. CST

    STEVEN SEAGAL VS. PREDATORS

    by BringingSexyBack

  • May 19, 2009, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Fareal, Seagal is following your example

    by Spandau Belly

    He is constantly getting older, wiser and fatter and has been married a couple times. So I’m surprised you don’t identify with him.

    And I think I disagree with your assessment of his films. Under Siege 2 is way better than the first one and well worth spending money on.

    But I think I tend to agree with StuntMike about Out For Justice being his tightest and most entertaining movie, but I think Fire Down Below is still my personal favorite because of Seagal’s fringe jacket, guitar playing, and the overall absurdity of the plot.

  • May 19, 2009, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Segal remake idea # 420

    by blakindigo

    Remake “Sudden Death.”

    NOT the Van Damme movie, nosir, but remake the Robert Conrad movie from the seventies.

  • May 19, 2009, 9:54 a.m. CST

    Spandau.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Fire Down Below is right up there.

    “I broke my wood, that’s no good.”

  • May 19, 2009, 10:36 a.m. CST

    and I agree about the title

    by Spandau Belly

    Driven To Kill sounds like a movie about a hitman with a chauffeur, which would be awesome because I’m pretty sure Statham would sign up to play that chauffeur.

  • May 19, 2009, 10:40 a.m. CST

    the movie I’m thinking about is COLLATERAL

    by Spandau Belly

    Tom Cruise was a hitman who hired Jay-mee Foxxxxx to be his chauffeur. Good movie. Now do it again with Statham as the chauffeur and David Carridine as an old hitman who’s lost his driver’s permit and needs to be driven to his kills.

  • May 19, 2009, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Arcadian good to have you back

    by Continentalop

    Praise Bale.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:18 p.m. CST

    No, I agree Stuntcock

    by Vern

    OUT FOR JUSTICE is pound for pound the best Seagal. But ON DEADLY GROUND is the funniest, most audacious and the one that shows his personality the most while also being an enjoyably ridiculous action movie. So they’re both my favorite depending on what I’m looking for, serious badass or weirdo badass.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:46 p.m. CST

    STEVEN SEAGAL IS … MOVIN’ ON UP

    by BringingSexyBack

    He bought a dry cleaning store and a deluxe apartment. Now they want protection money. Little did they know THEY are the ones needing protection. Co-starring Tyler Perry as Weezy Seagal.

  • May 19, 2009, 12:48 p.m. CST

    ARCADIAN RETURNS – BALE BE PRAISED

    by BringingSexyBack

    No professional stays down for long.

  • May 19, 2009, 1:12 p.m. CST

    sweaty dew flaps !!!!

    by Keith Maniac

    Seriously, the size of Seagal now he has to be driven everywhere for everything.

  • May 19, 2009, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Vern, the weird thing about On Deadly Groound is

    by Stuntcock Mike

    the more times I see it, the more I’m blown away with the speech at the end and how personal the whole film really is. I know you mentioned Gus Van Zant remaking Psycho shot for shot as being a pretty fucking cool way to cash in your clout, and I agree. On Deadly Ground ranks right up there. Some of the shots are just plain beautiful and like you said, R. Lee’s speech is the best. And I still crack up a helluva lot when I watch it.

  • May 19, 2009, 2:17 p.m. CST

    Groound?

    by Stuntcock Mike

    That’s the sequel.

  • May 19, 2009, 2:39 p.m. CST

    PLANT!

    by brassai2003

    what have you done with the real Vern? C’mon! this shitty shit fest gets a good review and..gasp…is advertised on this site. I call BS.

  • May 19, 2009, 3:02 p.m. CST

    Two more coming out this year!

    by Stuntcock Mike

    The Keeper (2009) – Playing Rolland Sallinger, an LA police officer….

    On The Run (2009) – Playing Shane Daniels, a man released from a 15 year prison sentence for a crime he didn’t commit.

  • May 19, 2009, 4:22 p.m. CST

    Glimmer Man

    by subtlety

    Still the worst and possibly least enjoyable of all Seagal movies, with tone all over the place, shitty action, and no clear idea who the villain is. It also begins an unfortunate trend in Seagal movies which painfully juxtapose cartoony action and crappy jokes with way-too-far awful tragic situations (child abuse, rape, molestation, serial killers, etc). It makes for a not-so-fun viewing experience where you can’t help but feel a little embarrassed for Seagal. It kind of seems like that drunk guy at a party who’s drunk enough that he doesn’t recognize that he’s making everyone else extremely uncomfortable. That’ “Glimmer Man” and to a lesser extent “Kill Switch” too. That one at least doesn’t try for the goofy buddy-cop vibe that everyone on the Glimmer Man set seems erroneously to think they are shooting for.

  • May 19, 2009, 4:23 p.m. CST

    BTW Vern

    by subtlety

    Does Seagal using his gun as a stabbing implement count as “improvised weapon”? I mean, a gun’s a weapon, but he’s using it in a creative way, so shit, I don’t know. You’ll have to make the call on that shit.

  • May 19, 2009, 4:48 p.m. CST

    brassai2003

    by Vern

    I hope you’re joking, bud. Ain’t It Cool never even paid me for reviews let alone for whatever their advertising is. I would be happy to be part of your sellout conspiracy because I could use the money. What kind of money is there in the “write a fake positive review of a straight to video Steven Seagal movie” racket, anyway? I’m interested in exploring this career option.

  • May 19, 2009, 4:49 p.m. CST

    Subtlety

    by Vern

    Good question, and I would have to say that yes, it counts as an improvised weapon. If it was just pistol-whipping that might not count but this is an actual stabbing. That’s innovative.

  • May 19, 2009, 5:19 p.m. CST

    vern

    by Prossor

    but isn’t Seagal after an army of something in like every movie basically? maybe it was less fun for others but i thought a good change of pace for something different. i like Glimmer Man basicalyl because of the comraderie between Keenon since seagal shows his more humorous side and the fights were pretty damn badass like how he steamrolls through the restaurant or the end fight. However my favorite Seagal was Under Siege 2 since it seemed like a James Bond movie almost.

  • May 19, 2009, 5:33 p.m. CST

    Hilarious

    by Guy Who Got A Headache And Accidentally Saves The World

    People used to insult vern and tell him to learn how to write when he started writing here, now they make fun of him for writing a “thesis” on seagal movies and complain about the other writers not being able to write anything but shit for the more “mainstream” movies.

  • May 19, 2009, 5:36 p.m. CST

    I dug this

    by Jarek

    I won’t lie, this was fun.

  • May 19, 2009, 6:21 p.m. CST

    VERN: What about Segals new tv show?

    by Stormwatcher

    Will you do Coaxial on it? Can we get a weekly Vern write-up? I wish we had more of your reviews up here. Other than Massawyrm things are kinda boring here these days.

  • May 19, 2009, 6:42 p.m. CST

    brassai2003 = PISS GARGLER

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    You’re dumb ass is clearly just trying to get some attention. Nobody could be that fucking stupid. An obscure DTV film by a washed up action star is exactly the sort of shit this site should be covering on a daily basis. Instead we have Ain’t It Corporate News. Positive reviews are up for grabs for anyone that will provide an all expense paid vacation. Vern talks about the shit he likes. Thats it. Whether you agree with him or not, he has one of the most honest agendas on this site.
    P.S. Your fiance is a filthy whore.

  • May 19, 2009, 6:42 p.m. CST

    Yeah what the fuck is up with that show?

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    That semi reality cop in the bayou thing…..I forgot about that.

  • May 19, 2009, 7:47 p.m. CST

    Yeah, I don’t know about LAWMAN

    by Vern

    I heard some crazy stories about him pitching it. Somebody told me he had footage of himself running around in a “ninja outfit” with a machine gun arresting crackheads. I got no idea. The funny thing is when I saw him mention on a talk show that he did this law enforcement thing, I thought he was bullshitting. Now I’m starting to think maybe it’s true. Can’t wait to find out.

  • May 19, 2009, 8:38 p.m. CST

    What’s the deal with…

    by maxxsterling

    I agree that this movie is pretty kick ass and brutal. Definitely better than ATD (How can one fuck up Seagal and VAMPIRES?!), but some funny continuity errors (He’s in a suit in a bar, then minutes later in a leather jacket in a cab (using a previous shot btw – what is this a porno?), and back in his suit in front of a mansion that the cab dropped him off at) and weird reversing of shots (the pan that kind of bookend the film) can be distracting (I know it’s a Seagal but still). And what’s up with the scene where Lil’ Stevie walks down the street for like fifteen minutes using Robert Rodriguez-style dissolves every three steps. Not cool. Just funny. (And sloppy.) And then there’s the knife fight in the strip club (Where else? Titty quota!). He fucks up the dude pretty bad, but he kind of just stands there for an hour blocking his (much younger, faster)foe. You gotta admit, even Kill Switch editing would’ve helped that scene. Plus, I could be wrong, but I thought that on a few occasions, we get the pleasure of the Steven Seagal dubber guy adr-ing the dialogue. I’m not complaining (really, I’m not!). I hope the man churns these out until he’s old and gray (But we all know Stevie will NEVER go gray!). And that gun in the eye is worth the purchase price (Not rental fee!) alone. And the way he says “GUNG-STARRR?!” (or “gangster?!”)is awesome!!!

  • May 19, 2009, 9:07 p.m. CST

    I dont’ think he could get his fist down my

    by Pouchstalker

    gullet. I have a very sensitive gag reflex. btw I’m told i have a very slim throat.

  • May 19, 2009, 9:09 p.m. CST

    Steven Segal’s Fist Down Your Throat!!

    by Pouchstalker

    Make it a 3D movie and I’m there.

  • May 19, 2009, 9:37 p.m. CST

    Seagal should’ve played Diddy in Notorious!

    by maxxsterling

  • May 19, 2009, 10:05 p.m. CST

    Seagal in black face? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • May 19, 2009, 10:11 p.m. CST

    Well, I enjoyed it more than his last two films.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    It was kinda weird though how his accent seemed to alternate between Russian and Mexican. Oh, and the goof who he killed with the iron spike in the neck? My long ex-girlfriend cheated on me with that actor. It was nice to see him get what he got.

  • May 19, 2009, 10:13 p.m. CST

    The stars just seem to be in alignment this week.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Credit to Bale.

  • May 20, 2009, 1:07 a.m. CST

    did I mention he runs?

    by Vern

    I think I forgot to mention he does some running in this one. That’s how you know he’s got his heart in it.

  • May 20, 2009, 1:50 a.m. CST

    Vern: Which Seagal movie inspired the infamous

    by topaz4206

    story told by Jim Breuer on Howard Stern, when Seagal came out of his trailer and said “I just read…the greatest screenplay I’ve ever seen.” Man: “Oh yeah? Who wrote it?” Seagal: “I did…”

    Oh, please say it was “On Deadly Ground” or “Belly of the Beast”

  • May 20, 2009, 3:28 a.m. CST

    Jim Breur?

    by Vern

    That stoner just read about it in Vanity Fair, he doesn’t get credit for the story. The article talked about a screenplay Seagal wrote about how the CIA created AIDS, but I can’t remember if it specified whether or not that was the one he was reading in that anecdote.

  • May 20, 2009, 7:10 a.m. CST

    Rob Schneider also told that story on Stern

    by PacmanFever

    Popular story

    And Fareal “compared to Tom Cruise and John Travolta”? I think that comparison might have been more apt back in 95 the last time you paid to see a Seagal movie.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 18th, 2009 at 10:47 pm and is filed under Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

10 Responses to “Vern Has Seen The New Seagal, DRIVEN TO KILL!”

  1. I was so pleased with Driven to Kill: Ruslan, especially after Against the Dark which was so bad I fast-forwarded through the last half or so. Driven to Kill to me almost felt like one of the golden age movies. Loved Ruslan’s old school asian dragon shirt in the first scene with his metal spike roulette. Also did you notice how during a fight scene he puts a thug in the same neckbreak hold that Seagal put Kurt Zagon in? Ruslan doesn’t break the guy’s neck, but he does put him in that hold. That scene where Ruslan visits his daughter in the hospital reminded me a lot of the “treat her like the president of the united states” from Marked For Death.

  2. Looking forward to this one. there’s no reason why seagal can’t be in a kickass movie, and you never know when “this’ll be it!” I guess this one doesnt sound like “it” but at least decent. nice write up.

  3. It sounds like he’s gonna go kill someone. But first he needs a ride from his mom.

  4. Vern, I recall you mentioning how you had never seen the Seagal Saturday Night Live in it’s entirty or something to that effect. I still have the damn thing on vhs and I think the reason the end of his last skit was edited out of future broadcasts was because he actually hurt the guy he threw through the window. It was a full blast throw followed by semi-uncomfortable laughter from the audience. Plus he puts Rob Schnieder’s head thru the copy machine. Somebody had to do it eventually.

    Actually the whole show was semi-uncomfortable laughter.

  5. Vern: Great review.

    I loved reading both your book! Anything else on the horizon?

  6. I turned it off half way through. I just found it all rather boring. Why do you have to make all his DTV films sound more interesting than they really are?

  7. This was a nice one. De DVD came out recently out the Netherlands and when returning the rented Flight of Fury I was pointed at that fact. The guy at the rental store had watched it the evening before (I got him back on Seagal, even showed him my copy of Seagalogy). He said he liked it, but that he had complaints about the sound quality. He had watched the Blue Ray (which is supposed to have ‘even better audio’). Main complaint was the voice of Steven. At some points he had the impression that the voice wasn’t even his. (Little did he know…).

    I just finished watching it, then I read the review of course. Since I am a true and devoted Seagalogist (since december 23, 2008).

    Like I said. It was a nice one. I noticed some thing I’d like to share here for obvious reasons:
    *The title.
    Although the DVD cover says Driven to Kill, that title is not shown on the screen. It says Ruslan.

    Higher production value:
    * Correcting/adjusting the story
    A lot of dialog is ‘spoken’ offscreen. We see an actor listening and replying something like ‘yes’ or ‘no’ after a while. This is of course a normal thing to appear in movie, mixed with overshoulders, establishing shots and so forth. But in this one some scenes (like the one where he talks to the police after he has the fight in the bar) have that offscreen talking thing. Bit awkward. I crossed my mind that that could be a more elaborate way to fix changes in the script in postproduction (to erase the aliens, again).

    * Looping
    Looping Seagal by another actor but this time they took someone who does a better imitation of Seagal.

    Other thoughts
    *What is he writing?
    He’s writing a story about a guy named Clint who’s looking through a scope (of a sniper riffle?) aiming or just following an officer. His word processor shows he typed some spaces to many (later changed passages -one could wonder what the previous text was) but no spelling errors.

    *Strange editing/déjà vu
    The part where Ruslan walk on the pavement in the dark. It looks like a short take that is repeated/zoomed/repeated/jumpcut/etc to make it longer. It is supposed to show that Ruslan is walking on the pavement in a dark mood. Halfway through that little déjà vu the point was made, but it went on and on until finally we get to see his hair leave the lower left corner of the screen.

    Even more déjà vu is the second writing scene. Ruslan is back home after he got away with multiple murder. He changed back in the same outfit (his writing gear I think) he wore when he got the phone call that started the story. The camera shows him writing and then pans to the left. We see some books and a bottle of Johnny Walker and then the outside. It looks like the same shot as the one in the beginning, played backward. I compared them but could not determine which one would be the ‘normal/real’ one.

    And there’s more. But you already knew that, did ya?

  8. Only the very first scene, the first fight scene, and the very last scene are any good in this one. There’s a lot of badassness, especially the hitting on the ex in Ruslan’s native Russian RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STUPID CURRENT HUSBAND, and the violence is generally satisfying, but I’ll never rewatch Driven to Kill other than the bookend scenes.

  9. This one is a notch above the usual dreck that Steven turns out as of late.

  10. Watched this one again. Man, that Russian is one scary looking mother fucker. I wouldn’t want to meet him in an alley. Also, bravo to Steven for his Russian accent in this outing.

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