So once again we have survived.

Vern witnesses THE INVASION and lives to tell you about it!!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. First there was the book. Then the movie by Don Siegel. Then the ’70s version by Philip Kaufman. Then the ’90s one that everybody hated if they heard of it but personally I thought it was okay by Abel Ferrara. Now we got yet another version, this one directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, a German guy known here for DAS EXPERIMENT and DOWNFALL. But then after he was done they, uh, snatched it from him, and producer Joel Silver had the Wachowskis write some new scenes which were apparently shot by the V FOR VENDETTA dude.

So you kind of know right away that this is not gonna be a masterpiece. Either Hirschbeigel’s movie sucked – in which case they’re not gonna be able to fix it just by adding some Wachowski here and there – or maybe the movie was good and Joel Silver just didn’t get it, in which case, fuck. I guess the best thing you can wish for is an ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU where it’s completely crazy anyway and the turmoil probaly added to the magic. (But even in that case the director was replaced after a few days, not after the movie was already done.)

The InvasionWhat we get is not a best or worst case scenario, it’s in between. The movie is not good. But it’s pretty fun. They get some mileage from all the things that make the body snatcher concept so creepy: emotionless people walking around like zombies, mindless hordes that you can’t hide from, not always knowing at a glance who’s on your team, knowing you or your loved ones could be next. This version of the story centers on a psychiatrist played by Nicole Kidman, her best friend/doctor played by Daniel Craig, and her son, played by some kid with a bowl cut. Also the great Jeffrey Wright is in there in a generic role as a scientist friend. Unless he is really that CIA agent he played in CASINO ROYALE and he is trailing Bond who is undercover as a doctor while investigating this invasion. If that is the case they should’ve spelled it out more clearly, I didn’t get it.

One thing I appreciate that you don’t usually get in studio genre movies: the shit hits the fan right at the beginning. In the opening scenes we learn of a space shuttle crash, that the debris may be contaminated, and minutes in we are already seeing people who seem to be snatched. It’s a virus that infects you, then when you fall asleep your face grows over with some kind of mucus and you become part of the hive mind by the time you wake up. The hive mind has some kinks to work out though because they are not able to detect the unsnatched walking among them if they act emotionless and avoid excessive sweat.

The bodysnatching is passed like a disease or a 28 DAYS LATER. They puke slime in your face. They are slimepukers. See, it’s a TOTALLY DIFFERENT new take for the post 9-11 world. No pods. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

The crowd I saw it with laughed alot, sometimes with but sometimes I think at the movie. Nicole Kidman does as good as always, but it’s kind of hard to take her seriously as an everywoman, the surrogate for all humanity. I mean, they just don’t make too many women who look like that. And she doesn’t get too mussed up even though she spends a good chunk of the movie running and fighting while wearing a nice turtleneck sweater, a skirt, pumps, and, from the looks of it, a Wonderbra. I’m probaly a sexist jerk for bringing it up, but those things were distracting in this movie. Later when she gets a chance to change into better alien-fighting clothes, the boobs are still prominent. And then at the end, when everything is better (SPOILER), she changes back into the sweater and skirt. To show that America is not afraid.

Although there was some laughing you also can’t deny that there were alot of effective scares. My favorite scene was when a dude showed up at her door late at night claiming he was from the census bureau. There’s also a good scene where a dog attacks a little bodysnatcher kid. Maybe I’m just a sucker for this type of concept, but I think alot of people are. If you’re going to hold it up to the other versions of the story, which would be reasonable, it won’t hold water. But if you’re able to just watch it as kind of a lesser TWILIGHT ZONE type story it has its charms.

But its main problem is that it’s too easy. It’s short, about 90 minutes, and during this time the whole world is taken over and then untaken over. The heroes figure out who is immune and why in the course of a brief conversation, they speak a bunch of show-offy lingo and then all the sudden they’ve developed a cure off screen. And of course the kid is one of those plucky movie kids who never cries or freaks out, he knows how to stay calm and with it. Part of the creepiness is that you can’t trust anyone, but in this case it turns out you can trust the government scientists, somehow they are safe and have no setbacks at all. Also, I gotta be honest, it would’ve felt more earned if there was some blood. Nicole kills 7 or 8 people, tosses a little kid (wonder if she’s seen WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?) and hammers a guy in the head, but none of it is really shown and none of it really gets you in the stomach. Or at least me. But nice try.

What I’m saying is you gotta earn a cure. These slimepukers pretty much give it to them. They are not good invaders. They suck. So it’s a little anticlimactic.

I’m not sure what the deal is with the Wachowskifying of the movie, but I bet it didn’t improve much. My guess is that the German guy made a more subtle and intimate story that didn’t spell out what was going on in the rest of the world, and the Wachowskis added in the news reports above the virus and the heavy-handed ending where Jeffrey Wright practically looks into the camera, makes eye contact with you, calls you by your full name and explains the ironic ending to you, complete with a question and answer period, followups allowed.

The style of the movie is also a little schizophrenic, I don’t know if that’s by design or from too many cooks. Most of it remains calm, but uses alot of uncomfortable closeups to make you fear what’s going on outside of your view. But in certain scenes it goes to a frantic editing style jumping back and forth in time, using quick cuts of microscopic views of the virus and even throwing in some of the dreaded Avid farts. It’s not bad though and I even kind of liked the end credits, which zoom through a CGI rendition of some cells or something. This type of thing has never been done before except in FIGHT CLUB, the X-MEN movies, HULK and I think maybe one of the GARFIELD movies.

You want SPOILERS, here is a SPOILERS. The Body Snatchers stories have always had political subtext, or at least have been read that way. The modern take is that the slimepukers are unified and are able to create world peace. We hear news reports about various conflicts around the world being resolved. They actually make a pretty good argument, the one and only catch is that they’re gonna kill Nicole’s son, because he’s immune. And also there’s a reference to “President Al-Sadr” in Iraq, but since it is a slimepuker Al-Sadr and not the original guy I think we can let it go. Anyway, the movie ends with Daniel Craig reading a newspaper about the mess in Iraq and Kidman remembering something she heard earlier about how if we didn’t have war and crime and shit we wouldn’t be human.

To be frankly honest I’m not sure what Hirschbeigel/Kajganich/McTeigue/Wachowski/Wachowski (from here on referred to as ‘Joel Silver’) were going for here. Is she supposed to be thinking “Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have stopped The Invasion”? Or is it saying, “We’re only human, you can’t blame us for fucking up the world, there’s no sense in trying to do better”? Or maybe it’s supposed to be ambiguous. I just hope it’s not option B, because that’s a depressingly cynical excuse for human failure and laziness. I dare you to try that one on Morpheus. That man killed an SUV with a sword, how dare you disrespect him like that. Besides, if humanity is so bad at getting along then how the hell did the US government so quickly and easily put together an uninfected scientific super-team and cure most of the world in the span of one short montage? I guess it figures that the one and only time the Bush government worked like a well-oiled machine would be the time they were stopping aliens from creating world peace and harmony.

So anyway, if you were expecting a hilarious disaster of Nic Cage proportions, no luck. If you’re hoping for topnotch intelligent sci-fi, well, its not that either. But it’s fairly unsettling, it’s hard to hate this cast and like I said, she tosses a kid in one part. You could do worse.

–Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/33677

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:56 a.m. CST

    first

    by proton45

    wow

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:03 a.m. CST

    “she tosses a kid in one part”

    by Boba Fat

    And all the UK readers giggle,

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:07 a.m. CST

    the invasion of the puke people

    by emeraldboy

    if you want to know bad this was beforehand. consider the fact that this movie was really all about the invasion of the snot people. I woul have liked to have seen the das experiment style invassion movie that Hirschbiegel was going to make. but no were stuck with this crap. As the once great bill goldman said in hollywood nobody knowsanything. but this was the same goldman who brought abou dreamcathcer or as call it invasion of shit alien. utter crap!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:07 a.m. CST

    So you are saying…

    by HBO

    Wait, wtf are you saying.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:09 a.m. CST

    Boba Fat…

    by Steve Rogers

    I did. Then I had the bizarre image of her throwing a child off a bridge, Ron Burgundy style.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:15 a.m. CST

    I liked the 90’s Body Snatchers

    by Boondock Devil

    The one with the ever-so-yummy Gabrielle Anwar? Remember catching it on cable a few years back and being pleasently surprised by it.

    Have a feeling I might be waiting for Invasion to hit cable before catching it too.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:32 a.m. CST

    90’s one wasn’t that bad

    by Lost Prophet

    It was sort of meh.
    i don’t want to see Nicole Kidman toss a kid on camera. That’s nasty.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:33 a.m. CST

    Unless she is

    by Lost Prophet

    tossing the kid into a bucket/ lift shaft/ flaming jaws of death…. oh wait, that’s just as bad.
    Does the kid die? Is that what you mean?
    I should’ve picked Finbarr as my name, pah.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:34 a.m. CST

    Too funny.

    by Shan

    “I guess it figures that the one and only time the Bush government worked like a well-oiled machine would be the time they were stopping aliens from creating world peace and harmony.”

    Oh too cynically funny …

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:37 a.m. CST

    I also liked the 90s Body Snatcher

    by PacmanFever

    It was just the kind of sci-fi/horror film I really enjoy, not to mention a lot better than much of the recent remake deluge. Mostly because it seemed to do something new with the story rather than just milk a cash cow. Whatever happened to Anwar anyway? Oh yeah; “Flying Virus”. Anyway, Vern will you be reviewing Rush Hour 3? I know it was something you were planning on seeing and I’d be interested to know what you think of it. Personally, a few bits made me a little…uncomfortable.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:42 a.m. CST

    She tosses a kid ?? No thanks.

    by barnaby jones

    I know horror is getting harder, but do we need to see that. I bet that’s something the Wachowskis shot, sick fuckers, first The Matrix, now this !

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:42 a.m. CST

    Steve Rogers

    by Boba Fat

    They both sound like improvements on the actual film. Any Hollywood types reading this want to buy my script about a virus that causes Nicole Kidman to toss people off?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:57 a.m. CST

    On an unrelated note..

    by Boba Fat

    this exchange of e-mails between Uwe Boll and the editor of Wired is hilarious: http://tinyurl.com/2q7vyj

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:05 a.m. CST

    The movie where Nicole Kidman tossed a kid?

    by Boondock Devil

    Isn’t that why the movie “Birth” was so controversial? Oh wait…

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:10 a.m. CST

    DOWNFALL

    by i kick tits

    is a pretty damn good movie.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:17 a.m. CST

    I’ve heard that Hirschbiegel’s version was more…

    by DerLanghaarige

    …like “an eerie, very real, documentary-style thriller.” Let’s hope they release that cut on DVD.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:25 a.m. CST

    oh bother

    by the last starfighter

    i saw this at a screening many months ago and it was awful. Vern mentions how he felt people were laughing at the movie, not with it. Yeah, its hard not to. Especially the end. Wow, tis terrible.

    oh, and don’t get me started on the editing. its rare when a movie’s editing is as terrible as this movies. i would now make fun of V for Vendetta seeing as that guy came into “fix” this, but i feel as though talkbackers might verbally rape me, so i will refain. though that movie was terrible too.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:28 a.m. CST

    Memories-Of-Murder, on the tossing the kid thing

    by the last starfighter

    save your speech for another movie. i laughed SO hard when she threw the kid in this movie. it literally is like, shot of evil kid, cut to rag doll being thrown, shot of hurt evil kid. twas silly.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:30 a.m. CST

    Memories-Of-Murder?

    by Boba Fat

    Tossing somebody in the UK is to give them a hand job hence all the UK readers running with that gag. Ever seen a “Carry On” film?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:38 a.m. CST

    Memories-Of-Murder?

    by Boba Fat

    Glad to be of assistance. One viewing of the British classic “Carry On Camping”should spell out exactly what you’re dealing with here.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:51 a.m. CST

    90s invasion of the body snatchers was good

    by redfist

    so was Downfall. The matrix movies…not so much.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 6:13 a.m. CST

    Meh.

    by Yeti

    Mindless hordes you can’t hide from? Have you ever been to an Ikea on a saturday afternoon? Pretty much sums it up.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 6:25 a.m. CST

    Can’t believe they attempted this movie

    by D o o d

    I mean the original is a great move, the 70’s verysion with Donald Sutherland in it is Awesome, the 90’s version was so so (highpoint being the naked chic). With a great cast, how could they fuck it up. Easy, it’s Hollywood..!

    nuff said!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 6:37 a.m. CST

    Faculty

    by Dominic-Vobiscum

    Had that subtext of “they were assholes before, and now they’re better people, so even though they’re taking over people maybe things are better off with the pricks being possessed/alienified”, one of the reasons I liked it.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 6:58 a.m. CST

    Memories-Of-Murder

    by Boba Fat

    They are pretty low brow, in fact I wouldn’t even call Carry On films good films but there is something particularly British about them. As a series they ran for 30 films and used to pack cinemas. If I had to recommend one then the horror spoof “Carry On Screaming” is the best despite “Carry On Cleo” getting a lot of love. I guess we Brits love innuendo and strange character actors. You could argue that The Goodies and League of Gentlemen owe Carry On a little debt but Little Britain could be called Carry On The Next Generation.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:03 a.m. CST

    How would Daniel Craig play a charisma-free zombie?

    by Spandau Belly

    That would be like asking Nicholas Cage to play a manic spazz or Kevin Smith to play a chubby pervert. Some acting stretches are just too far.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:10 a.m. CST

    Why don’t you wear this attractive BRAIN SLUG?

    by C.K. Lamoo

    Put it on, world peace will follow.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:11 a.m. CST

    BTW this is the new Bond film

    by Spandau Belly

    After they granted the wish of all those people who wanted a Bond film with no outrageous stunts, no gadgets, no absurd villian world domination plots, no goofy Bond puns etc. the Bond producers now listened to all the idiots who always wanted “Bond to inlove more space martians”.

    Next up: Bond crossed with Transformers.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Should have made a sequel to the 70’s one

    by mrfan

    Have the adventures of the guy whose head was attached to the dog’s body.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:18 a.m. CST

    M-O-M…

    by Abin Sur

    I don’t think the Belly has seen Layer Cake, Munich, or some of the other great stuff out there with the awesome Mr. Craig. And anyone with a first name as a last name rocks in my book.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:26 a.m. CST

    Easy to kill invaders, huh?

    by Kid Z

    … What? Does Kidman upload a virus into their hardware with an iBook?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:27 a.m. CST

    “but none of it is really shown”

    by The Moseph

    “Nicole kills 7 or 8 people, tosses a little kid (wonder if she’s seen WHO CAN KILL A CHILD?) and hammers a guy in the head, but none of it is really shown and none of it really gets you in the stomach.”

    Maybe somebody out there is trying to bring back the days when you didn’t have to see blood, guts, needles inserted, etc. You knew what was happening. Personally, I think it’d be a refreshing change.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:32 a.m. CST

    70’s version was okay…

    by Kid Z

    … Creepy Donald Sutherland, that chick from Alien, Jeff Goldblum doing his thing, whatever that is (… Chinese food… bok choy… snow peas… PEA PODS! Yes… pea pods… pods! PODS! They’re taking us over using some kind of alien plant pods!), nude Brooke Adams, and a dog with a homeless guy’s head!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:45 a.m. CST

    No desire

    by ballyhoo

    It just looks like one big blah. This review seems to support that thought. I’ll pass.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:47 a.m. CST

    anyone read the Robert. A. Heinlein

    by RokurGepta

    Puppetmasters book? or watched the movie? I really liked them both….sometimes I like the cheez what can I say

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:59 a.m. CST

    The review was longer than the movie…

    by wompratt16

    If I wanted to read a review that long, I probably would have just gone out and see the movie to save me some time.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:03 a.m. CST

    Re: everybody on the subject of Mr. Daniel Craig

    by Spandau Belly

    I guess you guys are right on some points about Daniel Craig. He has been in some damn good movies. I think he did an excellent job standing near Eric Bana in the fantastic film, Munich. He did a good job filling up screen space and probably kept me from getting distracted by one of those wallclocks shaped like a cat with the wagging tail or something else I would’ve noticed in the background had he not been there to obstruct it. He also did a good job standing near Paul Newman and Tom Hanks in Road To Perdition. I guess that’s why audiences identify with him so much, he’s just standing there and watching the movie like the rest of us. He’s an on-screen audience member. Like how the Queen used to get to sit right up on stage during Shakespeare times.

    Which is sort of what he did in Casino Royale, he acted like an impatient audience member, I guess he was waiting for James Bond to show up. I guess you might like that existential approach to a Bond movie with no Bond and some homely bloke sitting in Bond’s chair and standing around in Bond’s credit sequence wondering where all the silouhettes of ladies went to. Sort of a surrealist Lars Von Tier approach more than Guy Hamilton’s work.

    As for his television work I guess I’ll have to trust you guys. I don’t really watch much television. He’s probably on ‘Lost’ or ’24’ or some other show that’s probably quite good but that I just don’t get around to watching. And I’ve never seen him on stage, but I have seen George Clinton and the P. Funk All Stars and they put on a great show. As for Layer Cake, I guess that movie was okay. I don’t really like biopics, but felt Craig did a pretty good job playing Guy Ritchie and felt that the film had a stronger conlcusion than that Ray Charles biopic movie.

    Cheers guys

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:20 a.m. CST

    Spandau belly

    by emeraldboy

    very droll but true.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Memories Of Murder

    by Boba Fat

    Sam Pekinpah’s Salad Days? Remember it I do and of course what better place than AICN to mix high and low brow opinion and tossing jokes?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:30 a.m. CST

    A sign that this movie sucks

    by Johnny Ahab

    I’ve seen a LOT of movies this summer at the multiplex – Pirates, Spidey, Simpsons, Die Hard, Knocked Up, Harry Potter, Sunshine — all the big studio films and a handful of smaller films. And I have not seen one trailer for this movie at all. All summer. Not a one. Nor on TV. It seems the Warners is just dumping this on the market (on over 2,000 screens, mind you – not a cheap investment on prints) in late August with little fanfare, perhaps as contractually bound with one of their biggest suppliers, Joel Silver — but zero little promotion. Seems kinda ridiculous, but they probably realize, “Jesus, we’ve pumped millions into this turd, we’re not gonna blow another $20-40M on marketing – we ain’t digging this hole any deeper.” And if that isn’t a vote of no-confidence from the studios, I don’t know what is. Expect for THE INVASION to get completed stomped by SUPERBAD.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:31 a.m. CST

    “They puke slime in your face. They are slimepukers”

    by newc0253

    a review worth reading just for those two lines. Thanks dude.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Joel Silver is a fuckin’ hack!!!!!!!!!

    by DirkD13″

    Forget all the grief frequently dished out to the Rat, Dr. Boll, PWSA et al, and start ragging on the disgusting Joel Silver. Ok, so he produced Die Hard, Lethal Weapon and The Matrix, but for every fluke he has had a dozen utter pieces of shit unceremoniously dumped upon our poor, poor eyes and ears. And this, dumping the guy who directed Downfall and Das Experiment for James McTigue! Why hire him in the first place? Did Silver watch Downfall and think, “oh wow, this dude should make my kick-butt updating of Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers”?
    Joel Silver is a fat pleb with the charisma of a quadriplegic Chris O’Donnell. The Reaping, Exit Wounds, Dungeons & Dragons, Cradle 2 The Grave, Matrix 2 & 3, Swordfish, Romeo Must Die, Ghost Ship, Father’s Day, Fair Game….I could go on but I’m getting depressed. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang is the only thing he’s done this decade of any artistic value, but let’s be honest, he was just lending support to an old friend (Shane Black) who helped to put him where he is today. That movie is all Black though, Silver just gave him $15 million and left him to it.
    And here’s the part where my credibility goes flying out of the window, I love Hudson Hawk!!!
    If this flops, will it affect the BO of The Golden Compass (also starring Kidman/Craig)?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:35 a.m. CST

    WHERE’S McG WHEN YOU NEED HIM….?

    by greigy just wanted to say

    Ignorance is bliss. The simple fact that you knew the production history puts you (well all of us really) on an uneven keel. It’s hard to divorce what we’re watching from what we’re inevitably expecting i.e. a right royal clusterfuck. Our angle of approach should be dead on but because we know the Downfall guy got elbowed we’re coming in from a few degrees out. Still Nicole Kidman in a wonderbra…mmm this may still have merit.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:37 a.m. CST

    FELIX SHADOWING BOND WITH ZOMBIES…!!

    by greigy just wanted to say

    Now that I would have paid to see.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:55 a.m. CST

    ‘golden compass’ has stinky BO already.

    by occula

    man does it look like doo doo butter on a bagel! quelle disappointment. i’m also disappointed this film didn’t turn out to in fact BE a subversive bond sequel as vern suggested. that is a much better idea than remaking body snatchers for the gazillionth time.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:04 a.m. CST

    AICN, “A lot” is two words

    by Mister Man

    Please, please, please.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:05 a.m. CST

    90s BODY SNATCHERS title sequence

    by kwisatzhaderach

    Incredible. I saw it at a UK horror film festival in 93 and it was an awesome thing to see (and hear) on the big screen.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:31 a.m. CST

    various

    by Vern

    First of all, I regret mentioning the kid-tossing. It is a good moment but not a big shock or anything. People cheered. I shouldn’t have caused a big stir about it, I probaly ruined it for anyone who decides to see it.

    MOSEPH: I know what you’re saying, but when Nicole Kidman hits a guy in the head with a hammer the audience says “ewww!” The intent is clearly to shock and if they had actually shown Nicole Kidman hitting a guy in the head with a hammer it would have achieved that goal much more effectively. Instead they just go half way. She doesn’t even get blood on her sweater.

    irc-Hollywood: if my review is so bad tell me what’s wrong with it, don’t just tell me I suck and then run away with no explanation.

    wom pratt 16: That’s the shortest review I’ve written in ages, I was very conscious not to make it too long. The review is not too long, obviously you are too short.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:40 a.m. CST

    That was a great review.

    by Reynard Muldrake

    Smart and funny. Vern – you need to review more. I think the reason it kicked ass too is because it was for a ‘meh’ movie – some of the other guys complain that those are the hardest to review (and maybe this was for you), but you nailed it – I buy everything you said. And laughed along (but not at). Thanks, that’s all. Oh, and Nicole Kidman is an elf – so cast her in the Hobbit, but yeah, no more women – let alone “everywomen”

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:42 a.m. CST

    Vern, you rock

    by BringingSexyBack

    No explanation necessary!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:43 a.m. CST

    What happened to Nicole Kidman?

    by BringingSexyBack

    She hasn’t had a hit since The Others, and that was produced by Tom Cruise. Could it be that her career was really engeineered by Cruise and Xenu?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Invasion of the Snatches

    by BringingSexyBack

    Starring Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Britney Spears. Only they could make a vagina unappetizing.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Richard Donner hates Joel Silver

    by BringingSexyBack

    That’s enough for me to hate him too.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:56 a.m. CST

    Larry Gordon hates Joel Silver! Invasion looks bad!

    by Uncapie

    Larry Gordon rules!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:03 a.m. CST

    The political subtext is the Zionist Occupational

    by BringingSexyBack

    Government taking over the world. That’s what the German director was trying to tell us but Joel Silver ‘snatched’ the movie away to muddle that message by accentuating Kidman’s cleavage. Also, does the movie have any Burger King product placements?

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:05 a.m. CST

    If you think about it, The Matrix was an Invasion remak

    by BringingSexyBack

    or maybe not. But I think so.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:16 a.m. CST

    WHO CAN TOSS A CHILD?

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Answer: Nicole Kidman.
    WHO CAN KILL A FILM?
    Answer: Joel Silver.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:29 a.m. CST

    It could be argued

    by Juggernaut125

    ‘Slither’ starring Nathan Fillion is another Invasion remake, with hive-minded zombie puke spiiters. In which case, I would put it up there as one of the better remakes because it’s very funny, and inventive.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:30 a.m. CST

    Kid tossing. You know what than means in UK slang?

    by Uncapie

    You sick little monkeys! Of course, I would dress up like a kid if Nicole Kidman would give me a toss. She’ll have to throw in a snogging too. This movie still looks like crap.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Bah! I don’t care!

    by FraDolcino

    I’ve only ever seen the original version. I wasn’t aware that Oliver Hirschbiegel had been replaced. That decides it for me. I won’t be seeing this. Downfall is a fuckin masterpiece. You want real horror? Watch Bruno Ganz as Hitler. He is scarily convincing. Das Experiment was pretty damn good too, although I feel it could have pushed a little further (although perhaps too much excess is bad). Oliver, stay in Germany! Hollywood will fuck and destroy your talent!

    P.S. If you want to see/hear something fun, try watching the 300 trailer in German.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 11:28 a.m. CST

    I mentioned this sometime

    by emeraldboy

    ago and on this site. People who defended this move were quick to point, that re-shoots happen all the time and quit yapping. While that is true. This is the equivalent of the episode in the simpsons where Ned flanders house gets totalled by a hurricane and homer in mixture of kindness and stupidity rebuilds Neds house with Moe and barney. or maybe its like the time when homer built marge a spice rack. or tried to sell pumpkins in july. Great idea brutal execution.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 11:32 a.m. CST

    or more aptly

    by emeraldboy

    it sounds like the episode where, homer rehoots the ending to Mel Gibson’s version of that film starring Jimmy Stewart, Mr smith goes to town and mel machine guns all of congress.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, noon CST

    Vern, you use GEOCITIES?

    by la_sith

    Jesus. Myself, I use Infoseek for internet searches. You can email me at ancient_technology@excite.com. Come on, dude. The 90s are over.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 12:04 p.m. CST

    Did that douche ….

    by TheAntagonist

    just review a movie review? Does he want his money back or something? Geez

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Fuck the remakes

    by thegreatwhatzit

    There’s a scene in the original (’56) version where everything is succinctly communicated in a climactic close-up (when Miles kisses Becky). Disturbing, scary…major shock. No CGI, no special effects, just a tight close-up of a face. All “updates” leaned on F/X but the pioneering (’56) release kicked ass with a flawless director and acting ensemble, as well as a brilliant script (the pessimistic ending is a departure from the book, where the pods retreat from Earth). The ’78 version was too mechancial (exempting Kevin McCarthy’s cameo) though I admit enjoying the ’93 version (nice “classroom” scene that’s an overture to unbridled conformity; plus, Meg Tilly and Gabrielle Anwar are nekkid in a couple of scenes). But, adhering to theme, nothing approximates the (’56) original. It’s timeless.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 12:18 p.m. CST

    I think I’ll skip this one.

    by Bubba Gillman

    And wait for next year’s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I think they average about one a year at this point.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 12:26 p.m. CST

    They could have done a movie about the invaders’

    by BringingSexyBack

    home planet. That would have been better than a remake. A reimagining, if you will.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 12:28 p.m. CST

    Best alien invasion movies were V and Alien Nation

    by BringingSexyBack

    You can’t do a proper alien invasion story in 90 minutes or even 3 hours. It’s too involved. You gotta do a series to do it right.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 12:29 p.m. CST

    Spoiler Warning is suposed to go BEFORE the spoiler

    by Brendan3

    Vern, you wrote:

    “And then at the end, when everything is better (SPOILER), she changes back into the sweater and skirt.”…so the skirt was the spoiler… not the fact that in the end everything gets better? Thanks.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 1:04 p.m. CST

    they didn’t send dingos to kill her child?

    by durhay

    That would have rocked.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 1:29 p.m. CST

    “Birth” was great

    by brainofmorbius

    I love Kubrick so much that I even love Kubrick rip-offs. Birth and One Hour Photo and Soderberghs Solaris are the best.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 1:42 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern, guess what? Die Hard 4 still sucks.

    by BGDAWES

    You seriously have been watching too many shitty direct to video action movies lately if you actually thought the huge massive pile of shit that was DH4 was anything close to ‘good’.

    I guess that James Bond just doesn’t cut it compared to Bruno’s unit that you’ve been gargling since the spring.

    I don’t think it’s possible to make an awful movie from this source material but nothing will compare or even come close to the 1974 version.

    Vern, you suck.

    But you’re kind of witty so that makes you tolerable.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 1:43 p.m. CST

    The 78 version is brilliant.

    by Lovecraftfan

    Watch it again and look at how they communicate suspense through off-putting camera angles and a strange soundtrack. The directing in Kaufman’s version was damn near perfect. Oh then you have the great special effects and a plethora of wonderful performances. The 50s version is a classic, but the 78 version is so much better in so many ways including the chilling ending.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 2:01 p.m. CST

    The funniest thing I’ve ever ead in a review…

    by The Central Scrutinizer

    “the one and only time the Bush government worked like a well-oiled machine would be the time they were stopping aliens from creating world peace and harmony”.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 2:23 p.m. CST

    Best exchange in the 1978 version.

    by C.K. Lamoo

    SUTHERLAND (as health inspector) This is a rat turd.******

    RESTAUARANT OWNER: It’s a caper.****

    SUTHERLAND: Really, then eat it.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 2:56 p.m. CST

    *Kidman’s character sees a newspaper with a war on it*

    by Mike_D

    *she looks at the camera, shrugs and winks…end credits play*

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:14 p.m. CST

    78 Snatchers..

    by skimn

    Saw it on TCM a few weeks ago. Hadn’t seen it since the theatrical release. Remember back then, Dolby Stereo theatres where few and far between, and the sound design of this version rocked. Was it Ben Burtt? Anyhow, c’mon, Donald Sutherland rockin the mid-’70s anglofro, Brooke Adams in her Days Of Heaven heyday, Leonard Nimoy lampooning the me decade philosophy, and Jeff Goldblum in his first major role, babbling paranoia with his wild eyes, and future Alien-bait, Veronica Cartright. And didn’t Phil Kaufman follow this with The Right Stuff years later? Its all good…

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:16 p.m. CST

    Does it still end with the “Imagine” cover???

    by BitterMan23

    That’s all I need to know.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:31 p.m. CST

    Ahhhh, Veronica Cartwright,

    by C.K. Lamoo

    I love that bug-eyed beauty.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:40 p.m. CST

    Puppet Masters AKA 90’s Body Snatchers…

    by Lost Skeleton

    was actually pretty good

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:43 p.m. CST

    puking up some world peace.

    by GavinVanDraven

    or would that be whirrld peas?

    after the (pea)pod people take over, there will be world peace. no governments, no countries. just one big happy…. i mean content family. then, when they all die off because they are fucking plants and cant procreate, the few humans left can come out of hiding and start fighting with each other again. of course. so, there are no pods in this movie? just aliens puking on each other? sounds like the greatest family guy episode ever. literally, i saw that one. it was great.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:44 p.m. CST

    Poor Mr. Bond

    by tonamania

    seems like a nice little flick to watch on cable one night when there’s nothing else on the tube, you’re a little bored and the kids may or may not be asleep (not a violent production, remember?)

    Replace Craig with Matthew Broderick and you could have had Stepford Wives (remake) 2.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:45 p.m. CST

    “tosses a kid”

    by skimn

    ..is that like “throw another shrimp on the barbie”? Couldn’t resist a lame 1987 Aussie joke….

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 3:52 p.m. CST

    mode_7

    by tonamania

    yeah it’s the one where… and they do… and the chick…

    no, no idea – sorry.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:17 p.m. CST

    They shot this in 2005 when

    by kinoman

    Craig wasn’t even cast as Bond, for Chrissake! Two years of tinkering ain’t a good omen. With yet another money-loser staring the producers in the face why does Kidman keep getting offers? She’s currently shooting her latest flop opposite Hugh Jackman in the Australian bush.Bet her hair is perfect!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:30 p.m. CST

    The original film was the best

    by Doctor_Sin

    Because the aliens weren’t mindless, somnambulist zombies. They were fully functional, but seemed “off” or “not right.” Total cold war paranoia – you can’t tell who your enemy is.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:35 p.m. CST

    Body Snatchers v. Puppet Masters

    by Valebant

    I just like to throw it out there that Heinlein published Puppet Masters in ’51 while Finney published Body Snatchers in ’54. Of course, the 1994 PUPPET MASTERS with Sutherland was awful. It’d be interesting to try a more artful approach, but it’d be NC-17. As for Sutherland in the 70s INVASION, I always liked the idea that he had NOT succumbed and become an alien, but rather when the girl runs up to him and identifies herself, he responds with the siren scream because he’s just surviving…

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:51 p.m. CST

    Kids in movies…

    by codymr

    OK. Can someone PLEASE start a petition to protest the use of “rambunctious bowl cut kids” in Hollywood movies an TV. Wesley Crusher, Anakin Skywalker, Superman’s kid, Kidman’s son in Invasion… etc… etc… the list goes on. I’m sure the next installment of the Bourne franchise will have Jason Bourne teaming up with his long lost son he doesn’t remember having. It’s a cheap tool to try and win over the audience and it almost never works. It always destroys the verisimilitude of a flick when an 11 year old is running around saving the day… or even worse, getting in the way. Let the little mother fuckers die and get on with the film.

    I like Downfall a lot, but I think I will stick with the origional or Philip Kaufman’s remake… far fewer kids.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:54 p.m. CST

    Re: Sounds Dull

    by codymr

    Another 5 dollar DVD.”

    Thanks, Shuttlepod_10. You gave me my belly laugh for the day!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 4:58 p.m. CST

    I get the feeling that bond maybe the only

    by emeraldboy

    good thing Daniel Craig does on the big screen. I Casino royal up untill the card game. I have some news regarding bond 22. They shooting the finale right at this ver moment in italy and it involves horses. That is all I will and a massive chase. Animal rights campaigners are furious.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 5:35 p.m. CST

    Re: Vern’s remark about close-ups to suggest

    by CreasyBear

    out-of-frame menace. Why do characters in scary movies have zero peripheral vision? You’re watching a character nervously scanning around an empty room, then the camera quickly pans over and BLAM, the bad guy is right there. Directors should realize that their characters can see more than what’s in the frame. Ruins my suspension of disbelief.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 6:22 p.m. CST

    Did they film Craig right?

    by CherryValance

    Because if you get him from the wrong angle he’s pretty fugly. Otherwise he looks totally hot. But for half of Casino Royale I thought he looked awful. The reason it’s important here is that looking at Daniel Craig would be the only reason for me to see this. And even then he can’t beat a ’78 Goldblum. </p>

    You know I don’t remember the 90s one. And for the longest time I didn’t even realize this was another remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, probably because of the talent involved. But Kidman’s like a remake queen now. I still don’t understand the motivation in doing what’s already been done. But if I find out it’s entertaining (more than what’s been described here) I’ll catch it on DVD or something.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 6:46 p.m. CST

    A re-make that really, really didn’t need to be made

    by Snookeroo

    I know that’s obvious, but obviously not so obvious that Hollywood noticed the obvious. Obviously, I have a penchant for stating the…(all together now)…immediately apparent.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 7:30 p.m. CST

    Would’ve been a better slapstick comedy *SPOILERS*

    by Planty McPlant Plant

    This movie was terribly flawed in so many ways it’s tough to list them all, but I will try. *Warning Spoilers ahead*

    -If the aliens don’t start to turn you until you’re in REM sleep, and the adrenaline shot killed the Russian earlier, how was Nicole Kidman fine when it happens to her.

    -So what if she does turn, since the government will just find a cure to heal everyone anyway? Or are we to believe Oliver (the kid) was the only immune person the government could find?

    -Let me get this straight, this alien race deliberately crashed the space shuttle in order to invade Earth and…make everything peaceful and calm? And then when the cure is found, the previously indestructible virus is easily destroyed because it doesn’t have a self defense mechanism? I really wanted to change the title to “Invasion of the really passive projectile vomiters (now with more quick cuts and loud noises)”

    -Forget tanks, this movie showed me that the army should just ship a bunch of Jaguars to Iraq. That car was freaking indestructible. It gets T-boned at about 50 mph, slammed into, set on fire (!?), jumps into a parking deck at full speed after running over and through various obstacles, and only gets stopped by Nicole driving it into a concrete pole!

    -The crowd in Chicago seemed to be laughing AT the movie most of the time, although they did cheer anytime someone got hit with a blunt object. Therefore, the best chance this movie had is if it was an hour and a half of Nicole Kidman dropping coconuts on the invaders’ heads.

    I actually went into this movie hoping it would be at least decent. It doesn’t. My buddy best summed it up on the way out: “Dude, I feel like I was just ripped off, and it was free!”

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:06 p.m. CST

    why did they bother?

    by jccalhoun

    I don’t see why they bothered. If they are going to get rid of the pods and give it a happy ending then why?

    I haven’t seen the 90s version but the original and the 70s version are both really really good. The 50s is classic but the 70s is much more atmospheric and bleak.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:07 p.m. CST

    Heinlein wrote it first

    by Drwho1300

    Puppet Masters, the story by R.A.H. beat them all and was done first.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:09 p.m. CST

    NOTHING will beat the 70s remake

    by Cinemajerk

    The first is a classic. But the 70s remake was the ultimate sci-fi horror film with the best shock ending twist. Ah the 70s paranoia…

    Which brings me to this “remake”…or should I say “re-gurgitated”. I mean PUKING body snatchers? No pods? Thats like fast moving zombies. THEY ain’t REAL zombies if they do more than a shuffle.

    Anyway, I digress. Back to the paranoia of the 70s. There was tremendous anti government sentiment back then post vietnam and nixon. It made for GREAT cinema. Great suspense. Movies that did NOT end happily. There was a gritty, realistic quality to them. A heightened “us against them” (government) sentiment. And “we” more often than not ended up on the losing end.

    What perplexes me is that this movie sounds like it was made by the hawks who went into Iraq. The “us vs them” sounds like the “us” is government. Where is the paranoia? The distrust? The hidden subtext is what? That peace is bad? That starting wars for fictitious reasons is justified? That that is what makes us human?

    I don’t get it. This sounds like a film version that should have been made in the feel good 80s. Where big government was your frieeeeend. Not in the post Iraq world of Bush and big government invading your rights and ripping up the constitution.

    I am surprised that the Wackowski bros didn’t inject some of their anti government V touches.

    I’ll hold my reservations till I see it myself, but after reading this review, I frankly don’t have high hopes.

    No pods? Thats just wrong. And why puking? Thats just silly. Well, actually pods are silly too. But puking?

    I dunno maybe I am just more upset about the pro government tone of the flick. A pro war slant is not something you want to see in a body snatcher flick. You want to see “US” as in the little guy fighting to stay alive by avoiding “THEM” the snatchers or big government. You WANT that subtext. You NEED that subtext. :-)

    Blah.

    Does Hollywood have any balls anymore? Or have they completely sold out?

    A pro war body snatchers flick? Me thinks the bodies of the Hollywood execs have been snatched.

    Don’t be afraid audience. Its just a pod. I mean puke. Go to sleeeeeeeep. Go to sleeeeeep.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:48 p.m. CST

    yes

    by uVa

    “I dare you to try that one on Morpheus. That man killed an SUV with a sword, how dare you disrespect him like that.”

    ^^^Best quote i’ve heard in ages. Might check out this film after all…

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Nicole Kidman tosses a salad

    by c4andmore

    come on, you guys are slacking

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:27 p.m. CST

    Daniel Craig existed before Bond!

    by xsi kal

    That’s why everyone remembers him as ‘that one guy that was in the Tomb Raider movie where Angelina’s breasts kept growing and shrinking.’

    Duh.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:29 p.m. CST

    Oh and…

    by xsi kal

    there were some great Vern quotes in this review. Morpheus vs. the SUV and the Bush government vs. peace-spreading aliens are two of my faves, for sure.

    Thanks, as ever, Vern!

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 9:36 p.m. CST

    Vern, history shows that “B” is the correct answer.

    by Bob Cryptonight

    But, hell, what ya gonna do? We gotta keep trying for world peace…even if it will never happen. This ain’t STAR TREK after all, where magic fairies solve all world conflict.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Yes but is Tony Jaa in this….On flames

    by messi

    That’s the only reason I will see this.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 11:09 p.m. CST

    The kid has to have a bowl cut so that his hair is long

    by kabong

    and the dumbasses who watch this crap can imagine he is either boy or girl, according to their preference.

    Dialogue in movie theatre (not in movie): “Oh, that looks like our little grandchild! This is a good movie! Me love this POS!”

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 11:18 p.m. CST

    Bush worked like a well oiled machine

    by quentintarantado

    Was when it was stopping world peace and harmony. Particularly wicked Mr. Vern, I highly commend you.

  • Aug. 15, 2007, 11:20 p.m. CST

    Hustler magazine

    by quentintarantado

    Especially which whenever I say Bush I feel like I’m mentioning the leader of the free world (whatever that may mean) and a daily photographic subject at Hustler or Penthouse. Preferably split. Or wet. Or open. Or all of above.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 2:40 a.m. CST

    even throwing in some of the dreaded Avid farts

    by GQtaste

    what the hell are ‘avid farts?’

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Skimn, no no no, and reason for bowlcuts, & creasybear

    by half vader

    Hey guys.

    Skimn, Hoge’s bloody shrimp on the barbie thing will follow us Aussies to our graves. NOBODY has ever said it except to take the piss out of Hogan. Beside the fact that generally who can afford seafood BBQs all the time anyway, the reason he said shrimp is so that Americans would know what he was talking about. We say PRAWNS, dammit! And that was a tenuous segue dude – you should be a newsreader! – I keed.

    The bowl cut thing is a hideous cinematic/entertainment curse and we should all blame Adam Rich. That guy’s got a lot to answer for, and I’ll bet a lot of the young pups don’t even know who I’m talking about. What hell hath the 70s wrought?!

    Creasy, it’s no better or worse a cinematic conceit than anything else, especially in horror films. With all respect I think you’re missing the forest for the trees mate. Either that or the movie is lousy and obviously not holding your attention if you’re thinking about stuff like that. The creeping up is unimportant, and after all this time movies, especially genre films, rely on cinematic shorthand as we all know what we want to see (or don’t). It’s the timing of the scare you know is coming, the “boo!” moment (in other words the “get to the point” thing). Which is exactly why the framing thing works! You KNOW it’s coming sooner or later and the challenge is to make you jump anyway despite yourself. It’s like the illusionist deflecting your attention when you’re watching his hands intently. Peripheral vision couldn’t be more beside the point. It’s a monster/thriller/horror film! Just like it doesn’t matter that the hordes of bad guys attacking from all sides never skewer our hero from behind (which actually has a bit more to do with the proscenium arch and the audience’s position but anyway), sound being unrealistically synched to lightning (’cause it seems MOR stupid the other way) and so on. Go with it dude, it doesn’t bother most folks as it’s cinematic logic. The scare’s the thing, not some anal degree of occular dexterity. You actually want to be interrupted by boring old physics and science when it’s a story about some supernatural psycho killer? Woo! Having said that, “Behind the Mask” is cool. Cheers mate.

    On that note about pedantry, please no-one do the moronic “why is night BLUE in films” logic argument. Fuck me that one’s stupid. Did no-one think about why they DO do these things? Or why they always wet down the streets? Jesus!

    Quentin, it’s best to mentally separate those two if you can. You don’t wanna be seeing a Little George Dubbya down there when getting it on. That’ll kill your libido faster than someone mentioning your mother! Cue dodgy references to Dubbya can suck my weapon of mass destruction. Oh wait. Ewwww.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 3:34 a.m. CST

    I know Daniel Craig existed before Bond

    by emeraldboy

    our friends in the north is the finest thing that he Eccelstone, Mark Strong and the Gorgeous Gina McKee ever did. Strong is a very good actor. I hope you all catch that crime series he was in that was set in the sixties. if it comes out on DVD

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 3:43 a.m. CST

    Avid farts

    by Vern

    are little quick blurts of imagery usually accompanied by a dramatic sound effect. Originally used to portray psychic visions, they are now used mostly in crappy DTV movies not for any storytelling purpose but to imply some sort of style or professionalism. They are named for the popular “Avid” system of digital editing which made it economically feasible for people to put that type of stupid bullshit in every crappy low budget movie they make.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 6:53 a.m. CST

    Write. Something. New.

    by Dwarf Sidious

    That’s all we ask, really. When you’re talking about the fourth version of a movie, isn’t it time to just, you know, do something original?

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 7:43 a.m. CST

    I agree

    by emeraldboy

    With dwarf sidious. I think paul greengrass should do a horror film. hmmm. I know, a horror film set in iraq. caught on camcorder. The ghosts of an innocent iraqi family murder on filmsy and tenous basis that they were terrorists, murder a troop of marines, one makes it back and everyone thinks he is insane.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 7:45 a.m. CST

    and in the sequel….

    by emeraldboy

    one of the ghosts or two. come back, unknowingly with the marine. neocons start to die mysteriously.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 8:54 a.m. CST

    Unleash Vern…now.

    by Owen Meany

    Ok AICN crew – this guy writes well. Hell, he’s practically created the 2 best talkbacks of all time. And yet he’s reviewing a middle of the road movie. A “meh” movie. I hate car analogies. So I won’t use the obvious, but …how’s this? You don’t waste your star player in a practice match…Or, or you don’t use the fine china when your bong smoking friends come over to have leftover pizza…or, or the meat from the bone tastes better in soup…or, or..ah fuck it. Just give this guy an opportunity to review something that people want to fuckin read about or that people SHOULD read about….like you don’t take a ferrari out to pick the kids up from school…or do cocaine when you’re going to the store to buy milk…..or, ah fuck this…i’m tired.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Owen Meany, I concur.

    by Gilkuliehe

    Not only should Vern write about all the major stuff, he should get set visits and interviews as well. I don’t know if he gives two shits about that kind of thing, but one thing’s for sure: It would be a great fucking reading. Come on big red, make it happen.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 9:44 a.m. CST

    Fuckin’ Wachowski’s.

    by Jakes Nel

    Someone should just shoot those two fucksticks and get it over with. The Matrix must have been the biggest fluke in history, because everything they’ve been getting their grubby little fingers on since has turned to utter horse-poop. Hirschbiegel’s a good director. Silver’s a prick.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 10:57 a.m. CST

    This made me lol:

    by Fridge

    “That man killed an SUV with a sword, how dare you disrespect him like that.”
    One of the funniest things I’ve read on AICN in years.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Yes

    by emeraldboy

    M-Oom I agree, Bound knocked me out when I saw it. AS did the matrix the first film. 2nd and third movies were incomprehensible rubbish. the 2nd movie annoy alot of people cuase of its abrupt ending and what riled alot of people was that you to actually buy into the animated dvd and the computer games to understand third movie, The actual ending of that movie I think was in corporated into The path of neo. I dont have that game so the ending of the thrid movie threw me.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Yes

    by emeraldboy

    M-Oom I agree, Bound knocked me out when I saw it. AS did the matrix the first film. 2nd and third movies were incomprehensible rubbish. the 2nd movie annoy alot of people cuase of its abrupt ending and what riled alot of people was that you to actually buy into the animated dvd and the computer games to understand third movie, The actual ending of that movie I think was in corporated into The path of neo. I dont have that game so the ending of the third movie threw me.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 2:18 p.m. CST

    That man killed an SUV with a sword…

    by Shigeru

    ROFL

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 2:26 p.m. CST

    Impulse Caper

    by Vern

    Because in the old days they had to print up film of each scene they wanted to use and individually cut out those frames and manually splice them together. And they also had to separately process versions of the same shots in negative or whatever other showoffy bullshit they wanted to throw into their Avid farts. With digital editing they do none of that, they just go into their files and drag a frame from this scene here and this one over here and tweak the colors here and how bout that part at the end let’s do that in black and white.

    And even more relevant than the money is the time it takes, which they don’t usually have on a low budget production. It would’ve taken for god damn ever to create Avid farts the old way. And then when they were done if they didn’t like it they would’ve wasted a bunch of time and film. Now it’s much easier and quicker to experiment with the editing which unfortunately leads to a bunch of mindless fucking around such as Avid farts.

    Anyway buddy, apology accepted in advance for being totally wrong and for calling me a fuckhead. thanks champ.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Memories

    by Vern

    Well, not quite, because the ending of the movie is what I described there, it does at least suggest the idea that alien peace might be better, even if it doesn’t endorse that. My impression is that all the outside world/newscast stuff is the reshoots, so I’m not sure if the original version had those themes or not.

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 5:22 p.m. CST

    ImpulseCaper

    by the last starfighter

    ImpulseCaper, Defender of the Avid Farts!

  • Aug. 16, 2007, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Besides, no shame in being pwned by Vern

    by half vader

    It coulda been worse, he coulda been pwned by Merrick. Or Monki.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 15th, 2007 at 3:49 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Vern witnesses THE INVASION and lives to tell you about it!!!”

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