I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern Reviews A Direct-To-Video WALKING TALL Sequel!!

Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

Only Vern could write this review.

This is why we love him.

All throughout human history, Man and Woman have faced dangers and struggles which they could not hope to overcome. Even in the modern world, we often find ourselves feeling helpless and inadequate in the face of forces beyond our understanding. There are things we simply cannot control, things we must grimly accept as realities of contemporary living. Hurricanes. Tsunamis. Diseases. Wars. Remakes. Sequels. DTV sequels to remakes. Some of them starring Kevin Sorbo from TV’s HERCULES THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS. In this case we are facing WALKING TALL: THE PAYBACK, which fits into the last 3 or 4 categories.

But I am here to bring a message of hope. I have seen the WALKING TALL remake sequel. And I believe we will survive, probaly.

Walking Tall: The PaybackNah, we definitely will. It’s actually not that bad (probaly not bad enough). The screener calls it an “action-packed sequel to the hit film, Walking Tall,” but doesn’t specify which hit film Walking Tall. I assume it’s supposed to be a sequel to the 2004 remake starring The Rock, but it doesn’t matter because this is not about Buford Pusser or even Chris Vaughn, it is a new guy called Nick Prescott. (They just don’t make names like Buford Pusser anymore, do they?)

It’s kind of weird how these things evolve. The original WALKING TALL was loosely based on the real life of Sheriff Buford Pusser of McNairy County, Tennessee. Then he died in a car accident before part 2 was finished, so part 3 was about him making the first WALKING TALL and then dying. The TV series was still about Pusser, but I hear it took place in the ’80s, even though he died in ’74. So then the remake took another step away from reality. It was about a fictional, completely different guy named Chris Vaughn in modern day Kitsap County, WA. Now the sequel to the remake is about still another fictional guy, this time in Texas.

So on the surface none of these movies are connected, but I got a theory. Remember those movies “THE CROW,” where it’s always different people who die and come back to get revenge? The only connection is that some crow helps them turn into a vengeful ghost who makes everybody uncomfortable by quoting poetry all the time. This is the same kind of thing, the spirit of Walking Tall is passed on from sheriff to sheriff, from small corrupted town to small corrupted town. First it was in Joe Don Baker as Buford Pusser in the original movie. Then it was in Bo Svenson as Buford Pusser in the sequels and the TV series. And Brian Dennehy as Buford Pusser in the TV movie A REAL AMERICAN HERO. And The Rock as Chris Vaughn in WALKING TALL (2004). And now Kevin Sorbo as Nick Prescott in WALKING TALL: THE PAYBACK.

How does the spirit get transferred? It’s obvious: it’s in the stick. All these guys at one point carry some sort of stick or wood product as a weapon. The Rock version even has a whole trees and lumber motif going through it that somebody ought to analyze (oh wait, I already did).

THE PAYBACK story starts out with Nick’s father, Sheriff Charlie Prescott. (Pusser’s pop was a police chief, so this is a tribute.) After investigating the scene of a blown-up gas station, knowing that the corrupt cops who got there before him have covered up some sort of crime, he tries to go to the FBI for help. This is kind of a nice way to start the movie because he’s kind of a Buford Pusser type – more by the book, but kind of a chubby redneck type at least. More like Buford than The Rock or Kevin Sorbo. But he’s optimistic that he can clean up the town, his son is not. So he gets burned alive and his son has to finish what he started.

You got most of the hallmarks of the WALKING TALL series: former soldier (this time special ops) returns to his hometown (this time Boone, Texas), finds it has been overtaken by criminals and the townspeople are too cowardly to stand up to them, a tragic event (this time the burning alive of his father) forces him to take a stand, he becomes sheriff (this time because his dad’s friend gives him the badge, simple as that) and then there is violence. You also have another black deputy sidekick, and another tough guy who has a close relationship with his parents. He only carries the stick in one part, but it’s pretty badass. He’s got a shotgun in one hand, a stick in the other hand as he storms into a private compound. A dude tells him to drop his weapons and he says “What, this one? Or this one?” Then he throws the shotgun to the guy and beats him with the stick.

The bad guy is a young asshole with tank tops and tattoos, kind of a Ryan Reynolds/Gosling type (A.J. Buckley who, according to IMDB, played McG in an episode of “Fat Actress”). You know this guy is trouble because after he murders the old sheriff he goes to the funeral and drinks a beer. Completely out of line. Also he burps, but in his defense it is a pretty quiet burp. Could’ve been worse.

This guy and his cop brother somehow control the whole town and are in the process of bullying all the locals into selling their businesses. Some kind of a corrupt land deal for corporate overlords seen later in the movie. In a development reminiscent of the notorious Texas redistricting plan, Prescott convinces the city council members to go into hiding so that the bad guy can’t force a quorum to have his brother declared interim sheriff. So you get to hear tough talk about quorums like “If there ain’t a quorum you better plan a funeral.”

Meanwhile, Prescott and a female FBI agent (Yvette Nipar) try to find evidence to bust the whole thing open, but when they can’t Prescott goes into full on vigilante mode, even going so far as to kill one of the henchmen/rapists and frame the bad guy for the murder.

It’s probaly this last part that upset Dwana Pusser, the daughter of the real life Buford Pusser (and character in the original movies). On her websight she says, “I want the fans of Buford Pusser to remember that he stood for truth and justice. These movies simply want to take advantage of one man’s fight against injustice. They are not telling a story about truth. They are simply making a action movie.” I think for the most part the story is in the same spirit of one man having enough and risking his life to stand up to a corrupt system and a gang of bullies. But Pusser did it by, at worst, stretching the law to ridiculous lengths. Okay, in real life I don’t agree with some of the things he did in the movies, because in real life you don’t know for sure what evil bastards everybody is like you do in movies. But Buford would smash somebody’s car or something. Burn down a bar. He wouldn’t hang up a dead body and put fingerprints on a gun. In my opinion (not to be too preachy but) premeditated murder is bad. I believe old Moses had something on that on one of those tablets he brought down.

The producers might’ve changed the movies after Dwana’s complaints though. I know the original script was by Joe Halpin (INTO THE SUN starring Steven Seagal, SHADOW MAN starring Steven Seagal, ATTACK FORCE starring Steven Seagal) but the credits just list some guy called Brian Strasmann. Dwana also writes, “I have read the scripts and they are very vulgar. As a Christian woman I am very upset with the direction the movies have taken.” But THE PAYBACK did not end up nearly vulgar enough, in my opinion. The violence isn’t very graphic, there’s maybe one curse word, no nudity at all. There is a gang rape scene to show how bad the villains are, but thankfully it’s short and offscreen, not some grueling I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE experience. So I’m not sure what she’s talking about.

Now, obviously it is important for her to protect the memory of her father, but to most of us Buford Pusser is a movie character and this is an action movie. And vulgarity is usually a good thing in an action movie. It was weird that the Rock version of WALKING TALL was PG-13. The original was so brutal in the way Buford got stabbed in the bar and all that. They had to keep it off screen in the remake. Then they completely left out the tragic twist at the end (like in real life, the criminals retaliated and killed his wife) so if you’re familiar with the original it feels like they left off a half hour. THE PAYBACK is rated-R but really is not more graphic than the Rock version. Probaly the only reason for the R is that uneccessary rape part. And that’s no fun.

Sorbo is pretty likable as bland hunks go and he has a couple badass moments. But he has neither the redneck edge of any of the screen depictions of Buford Pusser, or the unstoppable charisma of The Rock. I am glad it returns to the South. And this is really shot in Texas, not one of those California playing Texas things. But that’s not really enough.

Like the Rock version, they actually put the phrase “walking tall” into a sentence: “Your father gave me my badge. He said wear it with pride, ‘n… walk tall.” That’s pretty corny, I like it. But the filmatists aren’t corny enough to make a big deal out of him carrying a stick. He only has it in that one scene. But maybe we want corny. Maybe we want to see a sheriff strutting around with a stick. You gotta touch the wood to absorb the Walking Tall spirit. Without it Kevin Sorbo is no Buford Pusser, no Chris Vaughn, he’s just some nice fella out for revenge.

This is the competent type of DTV sequel. Reasonably made, not totally shitty, has its moments, but doesn’t offer anything fresh. Not stupid enough to be embarrassing, but not crazy enough to be memorable. I wish they wouldn’t bother with these start-over-with-a-new-character-and-rehash-the-original-storyline sequels. The story needs to progress. Maybe in part 3 (already on the way). These were shot back-to-back like LORD OF THE RINGS so maybe it’ll really get rolling in the next one, like when Gollum showed up.

So THE PAYBACK is okay as far as DTV sequels go, but how does it compare to the original sequel? The REAL part 2? To no one’s surprise, the weirdly titled PART 2 WALKING TALL THE LEGEND OF BUFORD PUSSER is alot more entertaining. It opens dramatically with Pusser out of sight as a group of his friends have a porch-front meeting discussing whether they should try to talk him out of running for re-election now that he’s had his face blown off. But they figure he’s not gonna leave office until he’s taken care of the unknown assholes responsible for his wife’s death. Meanwhile, those very unknown assholes are having a meeting of their own. The moonshine kingpin who put the hit on Buford and his wife demands that his two fuck-up henchmen finish the job.

Then we see Buford, still recovering from the attack. When they take his face cast off he’s Bo Svenson instead of Joe Don Baker – it’s as if he has healed into a different person. Svenson makes a great Buford Pusser though, maybe the best. He looks menacing, towering over everybody at something like 6’6.5″, but he’s also charming. Squint at him just right and he looks like a giant Steve McQueen. So you can see why that secretary is always making eyes at him.

The whole movie is basically a series of episodes where different people try to kill Buford while he keeps outsmarting them and busting various moonshine operations trying to trace his way to the top man. The bad guys hire a professional race car driver to run him off the road, they put dynamite in his car, they cut his brakes (killing his best deputy), they hire a prostitute to lure him to a cabin so they can snipe him, they plan to ambush him with machine guns. There are multiple backroads car chases (with roadblock), a high speed boat chase (with waterblock), he destroys a fancy car using only a bat and his bare hands, he busts multiple moonshiners (including his dad’s best friend), he gets shot again. Maybe that’s why the original movies are so much more compelling than the remakes, there’s just so much more that happens. The remakes stick too close to formula without coming up with enough excitement to throw in there. They need more flourish.

PART 2 ends in the middle like STAR WARS PART 2 EMPIRE. Buford thinks he knows who the top man is, but he can’t get to him yet. And Buford’s been shot so he’s being taken away in an ambulance as it ends. This works as an ending but the filmatists decide to give you a kick to the balls by suddenly telling you that Buford Pusser died in a car accident, showing the actual police report and implying that it might’ve been a setup. I guess you can expect an ending like that from a movie that opens not with “based on a true story” but instead with a signed and notarized avidavit from the screenwriter stating that the movie is based on stories Pusser told him.

That’s another reason these remakes feel off. The real WALKING TALL movies always ended on kind of a bummer. The first one has a symbolic victory, but only after Buford’s wife is dead and he’s in a full head cast like a mummy ’cause he got shot in the face. The second one he’s been shot and then it tells you that the real Buford died in a car accident. The third one they actually re-enact the car accident and poor Dwana crying next to his body.

Shit, maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe DTV sequels shouldn’t leave you bummed out at the end. But they already made part 3, they probaly should’ve left him with something to avenge from the end of part 2. That would make the REMAKE: WALKING TALL saga a little more dramatic. I bet Joe Halpin would’ve done it.

Anyway, WALKING TALL: THE PAYBACK (should be called THE PAYBACK WALKING TALL) comes out 2/20/07. I’ll keep you updated on part 3.

Thanks, buds.
–Vern

suggested talkback topics:

  • So now you’re reviewing STRAIGHT TO VIDEO? What the hell happened to this sight, I am taking my collection of limited edition lords of the rings statues and maps to the corner to sulk
  • I can tell Brian Singer is gay by his camera placements as they compare to an obscure BIble verse about not eating shellfish and that is NOT Superman. but at least he’s not directing transformables i don’t want my transformables robots to be fruity
  • Hey Vern when does Flight of Fury come out
  • something about Walking Tall

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31159

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:29 p.m. CST

    First

    by Fing Fang Foom

    yeah

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:30 p.m. CST

    im not first

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    but i feel on top of the world. I just reestablished contact with my favorite ex girlfriend and then i come here to see a new vern review! life is good today!

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:35 p.m. CST

    Vern, I’ve come to always expect good reviews from you.

    by Pound Sand

    I loved this line: “Also he burps, but in his defense it is a pretty quiet burp.”

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:36 p.m. CST

    And Vern…Walk Tall.

    by MCVamp

    Vern I would rather re-read your review for two hours than even hold the cover box for this “film” in my hand. But good job. Buford Pusser was one tough and unfortunate dude. Reckon I’ma go watch my new copy of Sling Blade now, mm-hmm.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:38 p.m. CST

    Walking Tall was my favorite Rock flick.

    by Shermdawg

    If only they gave Neal McDonough a bit more screen time, and hadn’t rushed the ending, it would have been a much better film.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:39 p.m. CST

    A Trilogy?

    by Kortan Askew

    According to the IMDB there’s a Walking Tall 3 already in post production also starring Kevin Sorbo.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:43 p.m. CST

    Remember the line that was cut?

    by Shermdawg

    Ki:”So you killed people?”
    Rock:”Yeah.”
    Kid:”Cool.”
    Rock:*stern look* “No.”

    They should’ve kept that, rather than the silent stern look response.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:48 p.m. CST

    Vern – great review. Seeing this. And…

    by Ernie Souchak

    what about a review for THE NAKED MILE? Those AMERICAN PIE films are some of the most popular shit on Direct to Video. Anyway, I check your site pretty often and have still not seen it so maybe you have an explanation.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 6:59 p.m. CST

    Walking Tall:The Kevin Sorbo Paycheck

    by S-Mart shopper

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Buford Pusser GOTTA EAT

    by BGDAWES

    Gotta Eat will go down with “Damn You, Michael Bay!” and “Too Soon” in the talk back hall of fame.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 7:54 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern when does Flight of Fury come out

    by zillabeast

    No….really.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 7:58 p.m. CST

    SORBO GOTTA EAT!

    by Mace Tofu

    Just Remaster the originals damn pussies.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:03 p.m. CST

    probaly?

    by stvnhthr

    Great review, typos and all, makes me want to rent the original.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Might You Be Taking This Too Seriously?

    by CaptDanielRoe

    Might it not be a moment to take a long hard look at your life and responsibilities and say… Hmm… Maybe I should do something meaningful? Like, I dunno, putting this much thought into why guys like Sorbo get to star in sword and sorcery flicks and nobody takes that genre seriously except as a vehicle for Schwarzenegger who pretty much ruined it by being completely wrong for it himself, and yet, watchable, so that nobody knew how to cast them, let alone write or direct them? Oh, wait, that’s less meaningful than the Walking Tall “franchise” since they are at least making direct to video movies in that vein, which means I am even sadder than this review is. Sigh. Worse yet, I am now officially past the point of blowing off steam so that I can concentrate on my assignment and am official wasting time like a jackass, to complain about nothing. Goddamn. Aintitcoolnews really is cooler than me.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:09 p.m. CST

    Pusser… What a fantastic last name.

    by Novaman5000

    Pusser.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Walking Tall 2 : Walking Taller…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    I got nuffin…

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:37 p.m. CST

    Sorbo’s eatin fine

    by Lando Griffin

    he was just on The OC for a couple of episodes. I’m sure that Fox money got him a couple Big Macs or somethin

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:48 p.m. CST

    Walking Tall Sequel Titles

    by CaptDanielRoe

    Walking Tall: Standing Tall …

    Walking Tall: And Kicking High, To The Neck! … Walking Tall With Wood … Walking Tall With Wood: In The Hood … Walking Tall Like An Egyptian … Walking Tall In A Hotpink Miniskirt Posing As A TS/TV HIV+ Hooker … Walking Tall vs Predator.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 8:55 p.m. CST

    Dwana Pusser…”as a Christian woman”…

    by JimmyLoneWolf

    **Rolls eyes** She must have wanted the “Christian-approved” version of the movie about the guy who beats the piss out of people with a big club…and really, can you blame her?

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 9 p.m. CST

    Scoop!

    by TELF

    I love these utterly uncalled for sequels. There’s something kind of cute and naive about them (if you ignore the cynicism and desperation I guess they really represent). But Vern, in keeping with the Vow Of Excellence, where is your review of The Hard Corps? Surely essential viewing…

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 9:14 p.m. CST

    Walking Tall in the OC

    by CaptDanielRoe

    No I’ve never seen The OC or any Walking Tall since it would have involved frequent vertical hold beatings. But clearly the best way to make a Walking Tall sequel is to have the Pusser Poseur taking the two-by-four to wayward, tanned hides in The OC.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 9:25 p.m. CST

    CaptDan…

    by TELF

    I think there is a good chance you might get some respectable fantasy/sword and sorcery type bidness soon. LOTR et al have set a kind of precedent. If 300 and Beowulf do well you could see a surge. Peter Berg is trying to do Bran Mak Morn and there was an attempt to get a pretty faithful Conan going last year (kind of Conan begins via The Tower of the Elephant). Plus you have Del Toro wanting to do Lovecraft. Could happen…

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 9:43 p.m. CST

    Vern, a man can WALK TALL in any state!

    by Bob Cryptonight

    Don’t matter what state, or what the guy’s name is. Walking tall is walking tall. On that note alone they can be making sequels for years and years (kinda like how the original HALLOWEEN sequels were all supposed to just be scary stories that happened on Halloween).

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 10 p.m. CST

    “a high speed boat chase (with waterblock)”

    by Bob Cryptonight

    I nominate this as Classic Vern Phraseology!!!

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 10:07 p.m. CST

    How to Walk through a Movie, by The Rock

    by MattHooper

    I changed the channel after 5 minutes of the first one — THE CHANNEL !! It was free on Showtime in a Hotel Room I was paying for anyway ! ThankChrist I never had to walk outta the theater, would’a been reeeeeaaalllly pissed.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 10:36 p.m. CST

    Honestly, the first one was one of the worst movies…

    by DanielKurland

    I’ve ever seen. The whole scene where in the middle of his trial, he fires his lawyer, defends himself, WINS, and then makes all of his ex-con friends the new police department was ridiculous. When he wins the trial I think some people are actually chanting “Rock” as well. On top of this, the whole movie was only like 75 minutes, it seemed more like a TV pilot.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 10:37 p.m. CST

    Remakes That Oughtta Be Made

    by CaptDanielRoe

    Before remakes of sequels… Hooper (because it could be better, and could even star Reynolds again for all I care). Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (to showcase redstate highmindedness). Defiance (not because it could be done better but because it’s unjustly forgotten). Mr Majestyk. But most of all a movie version of Vega$.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 11:03 p.m. CST

    “So you get to hear tough talk about quorums”

    by MartinBlank

    Outstanding. There needs to be another Vern book.

  • Jan. 5, 2007, 11:34 p.m. CST

    Vern is really starting to suck

    by KCMOSHer

    I mean, he’s actually started making sense and writing thoughtful reviews. He really needs to get back to the nonsense and the not talking about the movie he’s actually reviewing or his fanbase is going to get ugly.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 12:17 a.m. CST

    going soft?

    by bib fortuna

    I always liked the reviews introduced as “Vern says fuck (insert movie)! Do you think he liked it?”

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 1 a.m. CST

    Like I said…

    by JimmyLoneWolf

    Pusser’s daughter sounds like a Christian nutjob, I’m sorry but its true. There’s no reason to bring up Christianity…the original trilogy was quite violent and brutal (which is why I enjoyed ’em). As for the “respectful” PG-13 remake, I didn’t see it and I probably never will. I like my proto-fascist vigilante movies R-rated. If they hadn’t followed this bible thumper’s demands, they might have delivered something that actually kicked some ass. Y’know, like Walking Tall used to…

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Buford Pusser Vs Demon Dave…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Loser has to go through the DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL…

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 1:31 a.m. CST

    Vern, You Missed a Couple of Talkback Topics

    by Game Of Pricks

    Luckily, some d-bag helped you out with one right away.

    1. It’s “site”, not “sight”, idiot!

    2. Idiot! The correct title was “Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back”! Idiot!

    3. Plant! Ha ha, I know he isn’t a plant, because this is a poor review of a movie that isn’t even going to be released in theatres! That is why typing “Plant!” is funny! Idiot!

    4. Something about Michael Bay, or Rachael Ray, or Nicholas Ray, or some lame catchphrase someone is trying to popularize on this website. Idiot!

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 2:56 a.m. CST

    Wait a minute.

    by Vern

    I talked about there being a part 3 in the review. I quoted Dwana Pusser’s statement (and linked to the whole thing) in the review. Based on these talkbacks I’m beginning to think that maybe nobody reads the actual review, they just scroll down and write a talkback. You really know how to hurt a man’s feelings. thanks alot guys.

    p.s. to Captain Daniel. If you haven’t watched any of the WALKING TALL movies (there are 5 before this one) how do you know if I am taking it too seriously? Please watch all five movies as well as the TV series before you tell me how sad and pathetic I am for having different interests than you. If you need further information I can also recommend several biographies of Buford Pusser for you. thanks cap.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 4:50 a.m. CST

    “i don’t want my transformables robots to be fruity”

    by Flim_

    Vern, you are some kind of wonderful.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 5:14 a.m. CST

    Kevin Sorbo!

    by CuervoJones

    i liked that guy

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 5:20 a.m. CST

    Vern, thank you..and I have a few questions.

    by JERRY HORROR

    I no longer feel guilty about knowing so much about Buford Pusser and the “Walking Tall” saga. I must say that the third film had the best title of any sequel ever. Walking Tall is the crown jewel of Hicksploitation films.

    I am saddened that they chose Kevin Sorbo for this sequel. He emotes nothing, has an unremarkable physique and can’t really fight all that well. Other than winning the jackpot of playing Hercules on a Sam Raimi produced series, he continually bores folks on Andromeda. There are so many other actors out there that deserve such a push.

    I have two questions for you Vern:

    1) Do you remember “The Perfect Weapon”? (Jeff Speakman was a Hell of Martial Artist that deserved a better film career.)

    2) What the Hell is going on with “Half Past Dead 2”, starring none other than Bill Goldberg? Is this film real? Any relation to the Segal/Ja Rule opus?

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 6:24 a.m. CST

    Check out her crazy web site

    by zekmoe

    on the link Vern provided. You can even buy an official Buford ax handle and beat the hell out of your neighbors for leaving a can of Old English 800 near the wheels of your trailer. Too cool

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 6:35 a.m. CST

    Vern

    by the_shogun_gunslinger

    why should he watch the originals seeing as how you completely blew the endings for every single one of them? we call those “spoilers” maybe a heads up next time

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 8:35 a.m. CST

    “a lot” is two words

    by Mister Man

    “Site” not “sight”…….and can you spell “ProbaBly”????????

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 9:16 a.m. CST

    What happened to this site?????

    by Forestal

    Why are so many shitty straight to video movies reviewed on this site? Honestly how many people actually care about direct to DVD sequels of “The Dukes of Hazzard” and “Walking Tall”? What happened to the spy reports and early reviews of movies we actually care about?

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 9:19 a.m. CST

    Vern’s reviews are more entertaining than the movies.

    by CreasyBear

    (But what I want to know is, where’s Neil Cumpston?)

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Sorry Vern

    by DirkD13″

    But that was not up to your usual high standards. I only laughed out loud three times.
    And remember to use spellchecker next time, it was like reading talkback.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Jerry Horror

    by Vern

    Holy shit man, I didn’t know about Half Past Dead 2. IMDB lists it as “Justified” now, but it still lists Kurupt playing the same character he did in HPD. The director is Art Camacho, who was the stunt director for HPD and played one of the “49er” bad guys. (Also of note, he directed POINT DOOM, written by and co-starring David The Demon DeFalco.) They also list Ja Rule way at the bottom, with no character name, sounds fishy.

    Thanks for the tip, I will look out for that one.

    As for THE PERFECT WEAPON, I know of it but I don’t think I’ve seen it. Should I?

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 11:59 a.m. CST

    I will see this on USA network in about 6 months.

    by Cotton McKnight

    Same thing happened with “Bring it on again”.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Spellcheck, damnit!

    by Push The Button

    Bur considering the type of websight this appears on, he probaly thought it was uneccessary.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 12:50 p.m. CST

    The Perfect Weapon is awesome

    by torontoxic

    Or at least it was when I saw it when I was very tiny.

    There was another one I can’t remember the name of. I’ve been racking my brain for years for details. All I know is it was kickass.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 1:09 p.m. CST

    Street Night

    by TELF

    That was my fave Speakman outing. I think the site should do more DTV stuff, because NO ONE else reviews them and there are some gems out there. I’ll take 1 Vern review of some nonsense that’ll give me some chuckles on cable somewhere down the line over another batch of Massawyrm et al’s prattling on about mainstream shite that is being covered on by every mag, show, site, sight and etc. But then I’m a fan and will read a Vern review before one by anyone else. Not just because he is funny but because he has an insightful and consistent critical voice AND an original, versatile Writing style. Probaly.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 3:36 p.m. CST

    at the end of the 1990’s when buffy/angel were huge

    by emeraldboy

    20th century went to war on the internet and got sites which were leaking episode details shut down. That is possibly when Harry and drew were lured into the system. Now that they are in the system, they have been shutted up.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 3:41 p.m. CST

    This is for Harry

    by emeraldboy

    Its a line from an Irish band called Whipping boy:

    “He was making movies in his head that never will be seen. He was holding oscar in his hand and kissing beauty queens!”

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 4:22 p.m. CST

    Every time there’s a new Vern review…

    by DocPazuzu

    …I read it and immediately scan the following TB for the latest winners of the AICN “Mark Twain You Fucking Moron!” Award. It never fails. There’s always some boner trying to correct Vern’s spelling or making “clever” acerbic comments which always explode in their own faces since none of them understand irony or humor. Vern never has to fire a shot. Brilliant.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 4:25 p.m. CST

    WTF?

    by shellfishh

    What in the hell was that crack about not eating shellfish supposed to mean?

    Sincerely,

    Shellfishh

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Episode Five Warring Stars: Empire Striking Backness

    by Billy Goat

    I was hoping Vern would say something like: Kevin Sorbo’s acting was so wooden, it was like watching a talking wall. …comedy gold, I tells ya!

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 6:27 p.m. CST

    I’m a boner.

    by Push The Button

    I somehow missed the ironic humor in misspelling the word “unnecessary”. Forgive me.

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 6:37 p.m. CST

    The Mark Twain award…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    I still think it was a mistake to drop the lizard-aliens from the remake of V…

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 11:33 p.m. CST

    19TH ANNUAL SHERIFF BUFORD PUSSER FESTIVAL!!!

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    Wednesday, May 23rd through Saturday, May 26, 2007.

    Assuming it’s in Tennessee, I’ll be there with bells on! Man, does this sound like a good time! I think I’ll set up an illegal craps table at the festival & sell bootleg whiskey!

  • Jan. 6, 2007, 11:53 p.m. CST

    Dear Shellfish

    by Vern

    Sorry bud, I fumbled that one. I was making a vague reference to the Biblical verses about gays and shellfish both being abominations. Trying to connect that with all these weirdos obsessed with Brian Singer’s apparent gayness.

    Well, they can’t all be winners. I would like to apologize to Shellfish, to the family of Buford Pusser and to the Old Testament.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 4:22 a.m. CST

    Why the hate?

    by andrew coleman

    Loved this review and frankly I love the straight the DVD reviews because they always make for a good laugh. Also Kevin Smith could have directed Code Name: The Cleaner and I’d still agree with his statement on ROTK. That movie sucked the big one and had about 100 endings all of them couldn’t avoid that lurking feeling that Sam and Frodo wanted each other, and the not because they are close friends kind of way either if you catch my drift.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 5:16 a.m. CST

    Vern, Thank you for answering.

    by JERRY HORROR

    I highly recomend The Perfect Weapon. It is a paint by numbers, martial arts, revenge flick. However it is one the best. Professer Toru Tanaka (Oddjob) gives a memorable asian hulking monster preformance. Track it down along with “Excessive Force” starring Thomas Ian Griffin. That flick has Burt Young as a Mob Don and James Earl Jones doing an Irish Jig. As for the Irish Jig, I’m not kidding.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 6:37 a.m. CST

    MITCHELL!

    by Osmosis Jones

    .

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 8:15 a.m. CST

    vern.

    by BendersShinyAss

    you rock

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 2:20 p.m. CST

    Kevin Smith vs. ROTK

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    It’s pretty common for someone to refute a critic by demanding “What movie have you ever made? Think you could do better?”

    In Smith’s case we have a rare example where the critic has indeed demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that not only could he not do better, he could not do 1/10000000000000000th as well, QED Kevin Smith is retarded and should shut up and focus on making a film even a millionth as good as anything in Peter Jackson’s catalogue.

    Hmm, let’s see, Bad Taste (Jackson’s most filmically flawed, in my opinion) vs. Dogma (just one among Smith’s ten or so hopelessly failed movies)… compare budgets, compare results. That’s the difference between a filmmaker and a loud-mouthed laughingstock.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 2:25 p.m. CST

    It’s funny that now in 2006

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    we can look back on the dire “Mallrats” as a relative highlight in Smith’s dismal catalogue.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 2:31 p.m. CST

    or 2007, as the case may be…

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    wow, is it just me, or did Talkback suddenly develop a semi-functional “preview” feature??

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 2:57 p.m. CST

    ‘Walking Tall’ referred to Pusser’s stature.

    by RKDN Del Sol

    he was a very, very tall man.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 4:33 p.m. CST

    “The Perfect Weapon”…

    by -guyinthebackrow

    I am astonished, shocked and appalled, that Vern has not seen “The Perfect Weapon”. The film is a classic. Speakman is a God. Well, maybe not a God, but absolutely a demi-God… not unlike Hercules. Mako is in the film. And, please, note that I just wrote “film” and not “movie”. Also the guy that played Lo Pan from “Big Trouble in Little China” is in it. Speakman uses his machinegun hands to attack his opponents, and in one point uses the weapons of ‘Daredevil’. It is awesome! I highly recommend “The Perfect Weapon”. Also there are ninjas and Mariska Hargitay… So, you know, it has to be good.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 5:39 p.m. CST

    WALKING TALL, RIDING DIRTY

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    that’s the sequel.

    WALKING TALL, RUNNING SCARED

    WALKING TALL, TALKING WALL… alright, I’m high.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 7:38 p.m. CST

    There was one Crow movie

    by Jack Burton

    There were rumors of a sequel and then some awful direct to video flicks and even a TV series, but those rumors are false. I hope that clears up any confusion. There is also only 2 Superman movies, 3 Star Wars movies, and 2 X-men movies.

  • Jan. 7, 2007, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Live Free or Walk Taller

    by GibsonUSA Returns

    Why does this exist and not Spaceballs 2? Short Circuit 3? Enough of this!

  • Jan. 8, 2007, 2:05 p.m. CST

    colon sucks

    by ewokstew

    has bionic fingers. It’s ungodly how fast that kid can type.

  • Jan. 8, 2007, 4:16 p.m. CST

    Thankful we have reviews like this…

    by Heckles

    …so after a long days work I can easily be put to sleep. Sweet lord.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Friday, January 5th, 2007 at 7:02 pm and is filed under Action, AICN, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “Vern Reviews A Direct-To-Video WALKING TALL Sequel!!”

  1. excellent facts. i possess had my domain for regarding 8 months and it does not display to up in google.. all of my backlinks to your site do, well only most as of recently, the relaxation dont appear to be showing.. i have inquired for a recinlusion and they possess not made it crystal clear whether or not it was banned or not, nevertheless my sitemap and all my webpages say that they are indexed but still do not show up.. its challenging to say which is heading on.

  2. There’s an 88% chance Vern completely forgot about this dtv sequel saga in the last 7 years due to his having stayed busy with his important efforts against The Great Nerdening and due to becoming a famous author, but I am here to confirm that WALKING TALL 3: LONE JUSTICE: THIS TIME THE PAYBACK IS PERSONAL is not worth watching. I should have listened to the lack of review.

    Well, that’s all I got. It’s a shitty movie, it’s no fun, the shootouts are lame & shoddy, there’s an abundance of cheapie avid flatulations, and the early Seagalogical element (random but convenient convenience store hold-up that our hero Kevin Sorbo breaks up via his kicking & not-believable shit-talking) just made me wish I was watching something actually Seagalogical. There is one bad guy who shoots his gun sideways, which is an adorable physical affectation that reminds me of a few years ago when that firearm-discharge method was a point of contention amongst observers of the evolution of stupid gang & hip hop culture and such.

    If Vern ever passes the dtv-sequel-reviewer-appreciater torch, I don’t envy that heir.

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