I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern on WILD THINGS 3 Dvd ! He’s gone nuts folks!

Hey folks, Harry here… I should rename Vern, Gunga Din, cuz with what he watches and writes about… he’s a braver man than I am. Case in point. WILD THINGS 3. Behold…

Dear Blue Bay P.D.:

Please stop me before I kill again.

No, just kiddin bud, actually I am writing to warn you guys about a growing threat to your wealthy Florida community: a new breed of scheming young nubile con artists known as “wild things.” There have been at least six of these wild things wreaking havoc in your area to date and could be more on the way if you’re not careful.

These wild things first hit spectacularly in 1998 and in two less inspired copycat cases since. Don’t worry though, they should be easy to catch if you would start paying attention. I’ll give you the profile for typical wild things to help you out.

First of all, they always work in teams. They got one whiny, spoiled super-rich girl raised by a single parent, who says “bitch” alot. And then they got a slightly tougher “swamp trash” brunette who lives in a trailer. At school these two will pretend to hate each other, but behind closed doors they actually make out in a swimming pool, rub each other’s boobs, etc.

Wild Things: Diamonds in the RoughYou are looking for young girls comfortable in swimsuits. Their hobbies include riding around on swamp boats, slapping people and having cat fights in swimming pools. Also, three way sex. Yes, you are also looking for a third member of the team who is always some kind of male authority figure such as a teacher or medical examiner. These three primary members are always involved in three way sex. That’s the wild things way of life.

A typical wild things cell also has other adult authority figure members (lawyers, cops, etc.), some of whom don’t know about each other’s involvement and who usually doublecross each other. Also part of the culture. We probaly shouldn’t be judgmental about it.

Their crimes are complex scams for large prizes of money or, in the most recent case, two diamonds worth $4 million. The caper always begins with one of the young wild thing girls falsely accusing an adult of rape. The adult will actually be in on the whole scam, although in the end they will be betrayed. (And they never fuckin learn. Always thinkin with their johnsons.) It’ll get more complicated from there, with various wild things seducing various others and then having to kill somebody. Invariably one of the officers investigating the murder case (usually the one who suspects the rape charge was a lie) will actually be in on the scam.

So how can you stop these crimes? Easy. It starts by keeping your eyes peeled at Blue Bay High’s sexual assault prevention assembly. Every one of these crimes has started at this annual event. Next year, keep a look out for one rich girl talking to her friend during the assembly and looking down her nose at the brunette swamp trash sitting by herself pouting. (Usually she is the one who comes in late.) Also please note that at least one of the members of the panel, such as a cop or medical examiner or both, is gonna be in on the scam. If you’re on the panel and you know you’re not in on it, that should narrow it down and make it easy if you would just pay attention and do your fuckin job. I’m lookin at you, Linden Ashby, star of Wild Things 2 and 3. Although if they make a part 4 I’m sure you’ll get a piece of the action so maybe I shouldn’t waste my time with you.

Next, you gotta bust ’em at one of these threesomes they have. Every time, the 3 lead members of the wild things cell reveal themselves by having a three way. Now, as a civil librarian or whatever I am uncomfortable about police invading the privacy of ordinary americans in their sleazy hotel rooms and swimming pools. But 9-11 changed everything, even Jesus. Just say some bullshit about terrorism and freedom, I’m sure they’ll give you a warrant.

Be aware, although wild things are only looking for money and sleazy sex, their crimes always leave a trail of bodies. So consider them hot and dangerous. We don’t want their activities to make it harder for rich Blue Bay girls who are telling the truth when they accuse somebody of rape. But really, how hard can it be to follow the accused rapist around until he meets her at a swimming pool? I mean I understand the first time but by the third time around there’s no excuse. Come on cops, get it together guys.

Also remember that Neve Campbell, now blonde and riding a sailboat, is still at large. She might be training up an army of these wild things, that might be what’s going on here. Be careful out there fellas.

This new movie is called WILD THINGS 3 (or so the title screen says… the box says WILD THINGS: DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH). And again, it is not so much a sequel as another remix of the same god damn plot from the first one. This is the kind of sequel that actually does damage to the original, because that movie took all the cliches of this Cinemax type genre and turned them on their head or piled them up on top of each other to create a ridiculous masterwork of high sleaze. But seeing the same story a second time and a third time starts to wear out the originality of the first one, makes it start to seem old hat.

I mean honestly, I think it would be possible to tell a completely different crime story that involves the class system in Florida and young girls who take their shirts off, call it a WILD THINGS sequel without having to tell the same god damn story again. Too bad Charles Willeford isn’t around, he coulda come up with something great. And it’s too late for Elmore Leonard at this point. I mean really, all you need is some sort of crime, and a nod to the use of high sleaze and ludicrous plot twists. Those are the only elments you need to make it the wildthingsiverse. As long as you’re making straight to video sequels that nobody asked for, might as well try to do a good job.

These same writers did WILD THINGS 2 so I’m sure they had fun rehashing their own rehash. I wonder if they just used the same Word file and used word replace to switch some of the names and details around? They also did SNIPER 3 and have SINGLE WHITE FEMALE 2 coming up so we can look forward to more of their trademark brand of mediocrity. Luckily IMDb doesn’t have them doing ROADHOUSE 2 yet so hopefully they’ll find somebody better to do that one. (And not anybody who worked on the CRUEL INTENTIONS saga, please.)

If I had to choose between WILD THINGS 2 or 3 though I guess this new one is a little better. It has a high concentration of lechery and camp in the first ten minutes or so. You got the two girls yelling “BITCH!” at each other, fighting in a swimming pool and walking around with their nipples showing through their shirts. Also they introduce the girls locker room as in important Wild Things setting, including a naked makeout session during the end credits. (Yeah, they’re still doing that end credits thing.) I’m sure many middle school boys with porn blocked from their web browsers will enjoy seeing this one on Showtime when mom and dad are asleep. I mean, this is America. Everybody loves seeing lesbians go at it, as long as they are both hot and not in a monogamous, legally sanctioned relationship. Also there was one scene I kinda liked where one of the girls tries to get an SUV with a dead body into the swamp, and finds out how hard it actually is. (It almost looked like she was gonna get herself run over, too. That woulda been funny.)

Oh shit, wasn’t this originally supposed to be a letter to the Blue Bay police department? When did I abandon that gimmick? The talkbackers will never stand for this lack of consistency. Plus I got a commitment to excellence, I can’t allow this kind of betrayal of my purist values. Please don’t read those last four paragraphs. thanks.

Anyway thanks police department, hope this helps. Also I hope you’ll stay out of my business. I’m boycotting Florida anyway until Jeb Bush leaves.*

thanks cops,

Vern

Beware!

Take Care! PULL THE STRINGS!

*gratuitous political references lure crazies to talkbacks, keeping them off the streets

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/19626

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • March 12, 2005, 4:53 p.m. CST

    notquite up to snuff vern

    by VatoLoco

    not enough laughs

  • March 12, 2005, 5:06 p.m. CST

    Wild Things was famous for only one thing

    by NZGUY

    And that’s the threesome in the first movie. If they had just cut out all the plot and just showed that it would of made millions. But no, they wanted to put in a storyline!. (Bastards)

  • March 12, 2005, 5:15 p.m. CST

    Too Late For Elmore Leonard????

    by Spaz Medicine

    What the heck does that mean?

  • March 12, 2005, 5:44 p.m. CST

    Too late for Elmore Leonard

    by Vern

    I meant no way Elmore Leonard is gonna say, “Yeah, that sounds good, I’ll write Wild Things 4.” If it was the first sequel and theatrical it would seem more possible. But that would obviously be stretching it too since he gave up on writing movies many years before Wild Things ever existed. Anyway, not a slight on Elmore Leonard there. He just came up as an alternative to Charles Willeford, who came up because he’s known for writing funny Florida-based crime stories. Sorry for the confusion bud.

  • March 12, 2005, 6:04 p.m. CST

    shut up Vato

    by BurlIvesLeftNut

    Seriously, that was funny Vern. Especially the bit about 9-11 changing everything. Heh.

  • March 12, 2005, 6:37 p.m. CST

    Stay this madness!!

    by performingmonkey

    It might be wise to take down this ‘review’. Wouldn’t want too many people finding out how mental this site is getting! I mean……WHY??? Just…………WHY?????????!!?!?!

  • March 12, 2005, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Keep these sequels coming…

    by Frank Black

    …and make sure the R rating is replaced by X. Thanks!

  • March 12, 2005, 7:02 p.m. CST

    I hope they keep making sequels…

    by hebrokeaway

    …so Vern can write these funny reviews (although to keep it consistent with the movies, he should probably just change a few words around and call it a new review). Good work, sir.

  • March 12, 2005, 9:10 p.m. CST

    I remember when I saw teh first movie…

    by Judge Doom

  • March 12, 2005, 9:12 p.m. CST

    As I was saying, I remember when I saw the first movie…

    by Judge Doom

    And then Denise richards started to wash the car and it was just fap! fap! fap! fap! fap! fap! fapfap! fapfap!fapfap! Fapfapfap! OwhHHWWwwhhnnn!!!! And the guy in front of me punched me. Had this reaction on the ROTS trailer as well.

  • March 12, 2005, 9:25 p.m. CST

    Who the fuck does this Vern guy think he is and where the hell d

    by Hung-Wei Lo

    just kidding. Lovely work! The best way to gain excellence on this site is to make fun of the teenage masses who can’t get laid and don’t masturbate enough. And for that, I will always praise you, Vern — even when your articles stink like my penis (don’t ask — yours would stink too if you knew what I just did to mine).

  • March 12, 2005, 11:09 p.m. CST

    Vern is now officially one of America’s best film critics.

    by heywood jablomie

    Between this and his all-time-high scathing of CURSED, the guy merits a bronze medal, a suitcase full of hundreds, and a humdinger from the Recently Estranged Mrs. Charles Sheen.

  • March 12, 2005, 11:33 p.m. CST

    Dear God, will it never end!

    by KenKRK

    Never have I been so turned off by a film when I KNOW there’s gonna be hot lesbian action in it! I actually watched Wild Things 2 out of morbid curiosity, and damn, if I didn’t feel cheated. I know, it’s my own damn fault, but I just had to know how it was all gonna play out.

    In any event, WHY?!?!?

  • March 13, 2005, 2:11 a.m. CST

    Great review vern…

    by Anlashok

    keep em comin. I watched Wild things 2 because I was sure that chick with the HUGE knockers would reveal them at one point. Man, what a gip, lousy body double who just happened to be two cups too small! I don’t know how you watch these flicks vern, but I’m glad you do.

  • March 13, 2005, 7:24 a.m. CST

    Single White Female 2 stars Brooke Burns. Sweet!

    by FrankDrebin

    Poor Bridget Fonda. Once upon a time, she thought she was going to have an a-list career. Now she’s with Mira Sorvino in direct-to-dvd limbo. And they’re saving a seat for you, Kate Hudson.

  • March 13, 2005, 7:31 a.m. CST

    My last post sounds like I’m just picking on the gals

    by FrankDrebin

    so let me add some guys to the Limbo List: Heath Ledger, Freddie Prinze, Jr., and all 3 of the male “stars” of Friends.

  • March 13, 2005, 8:05 a.m. CST

    It’s such a shame…

    by Blok Narpin

    I remember when the first Wild Things came out. Every trailer made it look like nothing more then a boob movie. To everyone’s great surprise it turned out to be a smart well written and directed crime caper with great perfomances, including a great cameo by Bill Murray! I walked out of the theater so surprised. I was expecting two hours of boobs and little more, but instead I got a great film! Then they had to cheapen it with these two direct to video jokes. It’s really a shame.

  • March 13, 2005, 11:27 a.m. CST

    I almost did a spit take on my moniter when I read “Sniper 3 and

    by Big Bad Clone

    Holy shit, who okayed these sequels? Hell, I didn’t even know there was a Sniper 2. Fucking A.

  • March 13, 2005, 11:43 a.m. CST

    was on cable last night

    by darthcreep

    It was on MYST channel last night. Wasn’t bad. Basically followed the exact same formula as the first one, which is what the reviewer said. Still decently watchable if you’re snowed in and have nothing else to do for 90 minutes. Chicks aren’t all that hot. Certainly several cuts below a “in her prime” Denise Richards and Neve Campbell.

  • March 13, 2005, 1:13 p.m. CST

    Thanks for the explanation, Vern

    by Spaz Medicine

    I misunderstoof your Leonard comment. Thanks for the clarification.

  • March 13, 2005, 2:06 p.m. CST

    Judge Doom Thanks for the laughs!

    by ComputerGuy68

    Great post…

  • March 13, 2005, 9:01 p.m. CST

    This has been on cable for the last 2 or more months. It’s awful

    by Commando Cody

    Vern calls this a Cinemax genre like film, and by chance I caught this on Cinemax or some side station like a month or so ago and, yes, it IS truly heinous. It’s one of those movies where you can just imagine the meeting planning it: “Look, we can make a FRANCHISE out of WILD THINGS. We can make it a name brand because there can always be mentally or criminally fucked-up hot, nubile women out there! All we need is a lot of rich-looking location shots and combine it with a murder plot. It’ll be very CSI: Miami and people buy that! Then we gotta strip the girls down every few minutes in either showers or beaches or lounging at home, looking to bare their breasts or ass to anyone — even better if we can get LOTS of threesomes OR girl on girl action. Oh, yeah, then I guess we have to actually reveal the full murder mystery, so just pick the person you suspected least and come up with some fucked-up backstory that they have for wanting to see everyone dead, something that happened ages ago and that we never bothered to even tell you about onscreen.” THAT is what WILD THINGS 3 is about. Without giving the ending away, it’s a true groan fest — though as I said, if you follow my pitch meeting rules from above you’ll solve the plot to this thing after watching the first 5-10 minutes. You can then shut it off because even the sex in this thing is non-steam inducing, which you’d think would be the ONE thing they’d get right. But what do I know? I’m sure I can look forward to Cinemax or someone funding WILD THINGS 4 any second now…

  • March 13, 2005, 9:03 p.m. CST

    Sniper 2 was actually pretty good

    by VatoLoco

    That’s why they made a third one. Hell, at least Berenger is working.

  • March 14, 2005, 11:36 a.m. CST

    Too late for Leonard but it is it too soon for Dave Barry?

    by Big Bad Clone

  • March 14, 2005, 3:16 p.m. CST

    “civil librarian”?

    by jeffv

    Just asking. I commend librarians who choose to be civil, although I’m sure Basil Fawlty would make a very entertaining librarian.

  • March 21, 2005, 11:04 a.m. CST

    who is the producer

    by master bitchfist

    who is actually able to get money from some sort of studio to have this movie made, i want to meet him and work with him

  • March 28, 2005, 9:33 a.m. CST

    Who is this aimed at?

    by SpikeTBB

    I guess they are counting on teen age boys getting to see it despite its rating, which happens all the time. Or maybe it’s for people who want to watch porn but are too afraid to. Sort of a half way house production for repressed voyeurs in denial.

  • April 4, 2005, 9:50 a.m. CST

    I’d like to go on record as saying the first one kicked ass.

    by minderbinder

    That is all.

  • April 12, 2005, 3:57 p.m. CST

    Thank you all so much

    by Homer Sexual

    I’ve been having a difficult day, and both the reviews and the talkbacks were hilarious. I too loved Wild Things sooo much! Changed my whole opinion of Denise Richards, Neve Campbell and Kevin Bacon. Then saw WT2 and, well, it was so boring, even with Johnny Cage in it.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 12th, 2005 at 5:43 pm and is filed under Action, AICN, Drama, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Vern on WILD THINGS 3 Dvd ! He’s gone nuts folks!”

  1. the most Professional review I’ve ever read.

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