What this movie is about is pie fucking. There is a kid who fucks a pie in it. There is also a guy who fucks a grapefruit apparently but you don’t see that. But this guy fucks a pie.
The version I saw is the unrated DVD, which I guess has extra pie fucking footage. in the original apparently it was a standing up with the pie position, wheras here it is a missionary position with the kid mounting the pie. The cover of the unrated DVD shows all the young gals on the cover but don’t be fooled, none of them do any pie fucking in the movie, it is only this one guy.
That is only one part though, the rest is about four high school seniors who make a solemn vow to lose their virginity by the night of the big prom or whatever. Then they all go on a bunch of shenanigans trying to find a young gal to have sex with, and they all screw up really bad, and then they decide that the whole thing is stupid and there are more important things than getting laid and just forget it. And then about thirty seconds later every last one of them suddenly finds somebody and starts humping up a storm.
As you can imagine this is pretty standard stuff, but the actors are all likable and there are some funny jokes. There is some observant humor about how kids use scrambled cable channels to get off. But is this kid stupid or what, there is plenty of unscrambled porn right there on the internet. But then again he’s a pie fucker so who knows.
The main thing I noticed about this movie is that kids today don’t show any appreciation for a blowjob. This little ingrate has a pretty gal sucking him off every day and he’s still desperate to “lose his virginity.” Hell I am not saying I wasn’t lickin and moanin in my day but jesus when I was in high school most kids would get down on their knees and thank the lord jesus christ every time they got even a handjob. If they got to stick their finger in for a minute that was an exciting month. And if they were DAMN lucky and did all their rosaries or whatever then MAYBE they’d get a little poke – and only then would it be even a REMOTE POSSIBILITY that they’d get to the oral business. Holy christ, sliding it in a girl’s MOUTH, that was more than they dared dream of!
I’m serious kids, if I had said, “Fuck this blowjob bullshit, I need to get laid!” like the kid in the movie, the football team would’ve hog tied me and set me on fire! I mean jesus, the nerve of these spoiled little brats to complain about ONLY getting a blowjob – oh boo hoo, we’re supposed to feel sorry for you? You ONLY had a pretty girl’s tongue sliding up and down your johnson until you exploded with pleasure. You think you have it bad? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, PAL.
And if this is really true about the horny foreign exchange students that come over to your house and start masturbating on your bed, then good god have you kids lost track of how good you have it. I never even HEARD of this kind of shit in my day. You little brats don’t know how lucky you are.
The movie’s not too bad though. There is some funny disgusting humor and I like the red headed band girl. The cheerleader girl from American Beauty plays a choir girl here, and I think her eyes are too low on her face but what are you gonna do. Anyway compared to the ten things I hate about you and Mrs. Tingle this is fucking die hard. I guess it’s worth watching if you’re into that sort of thing.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.