I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

American Pie

What this movie is about is pie fucking. There is a kid who fucks a pie in it. There is also a guy who fucks a grapefruit apparently but you don’t see that. But this guy fucks a pie.

The version I saw is the unrated DVD, which I guess has extra pie fucking footage. in the original apparently it was a standing up with the pie position, wheras here it is a missionary position with the kid mounting the pie. The cover of the unrated DVD shows all the young gals on the cover but don’t be fooled, none of them do any pie fucking in the movie, it is only this one guy.

American PieThat is only one part though, the rest is about four high school seniors who make a solemn vow to lose their virginity by the night of the big prom or whatever. Then they all go on a bunch of shenanigans trying to find a young gal to have sex with, and they all screw up really bad, and then they decide that the whole thing is stupid and there are more important things than getting laid and just forget it. And then about thirty seconds later every last one of them suddenly finds somebody and starts humping up a storm.

As you can imagine this is pretty standard stuff, but the actors are all likable and there are some funny jokes. There is some observant humor about how kids use scrambled cable channels to get off. But is this kid stupid or what, there is plenty of unscrambled porn right there on the internet. But then again he’s a pie fucker so who knows.

The main thing I noticed about this movie is that kids today don’t show any appreciation for a blowjob. This little ingrate has a pretty gal sucking him off every day and he’s still desperate to “lose his virginity.” Hell I am not saying I wasn’t lickin and moanin in my day but jesus when I was in high school most kids would get down on their knees and thank the lord jesus christ every time they got even a handjob. If they got to stick their finger in for a minute that was an exciting month. And if they were DAMN lucky and did all their rosaries or whatever then MAYBE they’d get a little poke – and only then would it be even a REMOTE POSSIBILITY that they’d get to the oral business. Holy christ, sliding it in a girl’s MOUTH, that was more than they dared dream of!

I’m serious kids, if I had said, “Fuck this blowjob bullshit, I need to get laid!” like the kid in the movie, the football team would’ve hog tied me and set me on fire! I mean jesus, the nerve of these spoiled little brats to complain about ONLY getting a blowjob – oh boo hoo, we’re supposed to feel sorry for you? You ONLY had a pretty girl’s tongue sliding up and down your johnson until you exploded with pleasure. You think you have it bad? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, PAL.

And if this is really true about the horny foreign exchange students that come over to your house and start masturbating on your bed, then good god have you kids lost track of how good you have it. I never even HEARD of this kind of shit in my day. You little brats don’t know how lucky you are.

The movie’s not too bad though. There is some funny disgusting humor and I like the red headed band girl. The cheerleader girl from American Beauty plays a choir girl here, and I think her eyes are too low on her face but what are you gonna do. Anyway compared to the ten things I hate about you and Mrs. Tingle this is fucking die hard. I guess it’s worth watching if you’re into that sort of thing.

http://youtu.be/aLx7cnzFTDE

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 31st, 2001 at 10:36 am and is filed under Comedy/Laffs, Reviews, Romance. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

7 Responses to “American Pie”

  1. the ten things I hate about you and Mrs. Tingle was a pretty good movie

  2. See, I had the opposite problem. I just saw this movie for the first time tonight and I couldn’t get past the idea that none of these guys could get laid. I’m sorry, If I looked like Chris Klein in high school and was the star of the Lacrosse team I would have had an incredibly easy time with things. And the other dude, the one who looks kinda Armenian but isn’t actually Armenian, the one with the blowjob problem. I Just don’t buy that either. If you’re a high school senior who’s in a long-term-for-high-school relationship with a guy whom you’re blowing, you’re probably going to sleep with him. Maybe not one month in, maybe not 3 months in, but fairly quickly. As for Jason Biggs, Sherman, and Eddie Kay Thomas…yeah, okay. But high school is still a meat market and if you had a car, some spending money and any halfway interesting hobbies, it’s not very hard. Hell, I didn’t even have a car or spending money!

    I will say, however, that I liked that none of the people felt like the “main” character. Yes, Biggs is ostensibly the “lead” but his story is really antithetical to the typical teen comedy hero. I mean, he’s a horny dude who gets a shot with one girl, messes up, and then fucks a near complete stranger on prom night just to get it over with. Klein could be the lead…but who hangs their teen comedy on a plot about lacrosse versus choir? The blowjob guy is the closest to a traditional lead archetype, but his story has the least screen time of anyone except Kay Thomas, who is certainly not a lead, in anything, ever. This dynamic actually keeps the movie pretty fresh.

    The last big problem is that the movie doesn’t look anything like my youth culture experience. Everyone drinks, but only beer, and they never get drunk. No one’s playing serious drinking games and no one is really throwing up or blacking out or having any consequences for their actions. Meanwhile, drugs are completely absent. No one even TALKS about weed, and there is nary a cigarette in sight. Sure, this film is entirely about preppy kids and not scruffy punks like me, but I went to some parties in the palisades, and those kids sure all seemed to know what ganja was.

  3. I just remember watching that movie when it came out on VHS (but I think it might be one of the first movies, that I rented on DVD!) and only laughing twice. Y’know, when the funniest element in your comedy is Eugene Levy, you really have a problem!

  4. PORKYS was better. The overly-slick filmmaking, lame soundtracks and jarring sentimentality kills any joy the PIE films might have had. OK, PORKYS had a not-strictly-necessary sub-plot about anti-semitism, but at least that seemed heartfelt. The “ZOMG STIFFLER IS THE FUNNIEST CHARACTER EVER!” overkill at the time was a problem too, maybe not so much now.

    Remember when Eugene Levy was in practically every movie? He was seriously rivaling Walken for prolificness at one point (about 2003)

  5. Paradoxically, the “ZOMG STIFFLER IS THE FUNNIEST CHARACTER EVER! overkill” you speak of was strangely fixed in the third one by giving him an insane amount of screentime to do whatever the hell he wanted. I’ve never before seen an obnoxious character who worked only in small doses actually get BETTER by becoming the co-lead focal point, but I’ll be damned – American Wedding is easily my favorite of the three. (Maybe it might have something to do with all the useless supporting characters being jettisoned – I mean I know Mena Suvari, Chris Klein and Tara Reid were in Part 2, but I can’t remember a damn thing they did)

  6. Yeah don’t get me wrong I like Scott, and he’s quite good in these movies, probably WEDDING in particular.

  7. I like Pie 2 the most. That’s where I think it got over the teen grossout comedy and actually did intelligent things, like when the lesbians mess with Stifler and Biggs. I also related to it the most, since I had that “returning from college and I don’t fit in anymore” feeling. Wedding is great though, and actually 2 of the DTV sequels are pretty good. Naked Mile could have been theatrical it’s so wild, and Book of Love has a good sweetness mixed with raunch.

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