Dear Mel Gibson,
You fucked up, dude. First you let MAD MAX 4 slide away from our grasp, now this whole “I hate Jews when I’m drunk” business. So here’s what you do now, Mel. There is one and only one way you can have a shot at fixing this: a documentary.
You already took the first step that I was gonna suggest, you are making arrangements to meet with leaders of the Jewish community to be scolded and hopefully learn some things. You will definitely be spending some time at the Holocaust museum, my friend. Probaly less than you deserve. But what I’m telling you is, you’re gonna have to film some of these meetings.
Like it or not, you are in the public eye (see your crazy movie PAPARAZZI for more info). Everybody knows you are a fuckin anti-Semite nutbag now, so if you’re gonna be Mel Gibson the Huge Movie Star again you need to convince us that we can trust you again. That’s why you’re gonna make this documentary about your journey from “crazy drunk guy who hates Jews” to the new, down-with-the-Jews Mel Gibson of the future. (read the rest of this shit…)
This is a pretty enjoyable, totally forgettable action movie directed by Dean Semler, a cinematographer who also directed Steven Seagal’s historic first DTV picture THE PATRIOT. The star is Howie Long, formerly of the Oakland Raiders, currently of the Radio Shack commercials. After a supporting role in BROKEN ARROW they tried to give him the football-star-to-action-star transition like they did to Brian Bosworth. The Boz never caught on big, but he was able to continue starring in DTV movies for several years after STONE COLD. Things didn’t work out that way for Howie, and this is his only starring role. I was gonna say he was more comparable to Lyle Alzado, but I just looked up Lyle and he’s starred in more than I realized. So I don’t know who he’s comparable to.
I enjoy a good pervy Larry Clark movie, but I don’t know many people who do. But never fear. I am here to tell you that this is his most accessible because it’s a whole movie based around how likable the characters are instead of how despicable they are. You actually root for these guys. It’s incredible.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN’S LADY IN THE WATER
and the rise of the American Furious Movement
Every once in a while I’ll get in a gentlemanly argument with a motherfucker about whether Michael Bay single-handedly ruined the future of action cinema forever, or whether he’s just an asshole. And invariably a Bay-defender will claim that although his movies are not fun to watch and you don’t know what’s going on while you watch them, Michael Bay “blows things up real good.” I think the idea is supposed to be that Regular Folk like to watch a big fiery explosion with no brains involved and if you got a problem with that you must be some kind of snob.
Two years ago, I saw and accidentally enjoyed the 2004 movie 
This is part 2 of the Underworld saga and unfortunately I’m less sold on this Len Wiseman individual after part 2. I gotta admit, I had hopes for this one. From the trailers it looked more exciting than the first one. I thought maybe after a little practice and with a bigger budget this guy was gonna make a movie that was more fun. Now I’m not gonna say that Len Wiseman has destroyed my faith in the human spirit and man’s knack for overcoming obstacles with innovation and hardwork, but the guy was definitely trying to. We, as a people, can do better than this.
I recently saw and enjoyed THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS PRESENTS TOKYO DRIFT, part 3 in the FAST AND THE FURIOUS saga. And it reminded me that it was time I got around to seeing part 2. This one is closer to a straightup sequel. They couldn’t get Vin Diesel to return so instead they just follow Paul Walker’s character.
This is Sonny Chiba’s most famous movie, the one that made him an international star, and the one that Christian-Slater-as-Tarantino-stand-in went on about in TRUE ROMANCE. And as a vehicle to show how awesome Sonny Chiba is, it’s great. As a movie though I would argue that it’s not necessarily his best.
