Archive for the ‘Horror’ Category
Thursday, October 16th, 2003
Hey folks, Harry here… Well let’s see… Mr Beaks and I both liked THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, but Quint and now Vern didn’t like it… with Vern more or less striking with out and out hatred and venom. This is exactly what will happen to you if you carry the original in the theater with you. So, if you’re expecting the experience of the first film… I suggest renting the first film. If you want to see a “STUDIO VERSION” of this story, then check this film out, but I only suggest going if you’re open to that.
Meanwhile… here ya go, for all you monkeys that have been saying that TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE was 100% based on Ed Gein… take a look at this LINK!!! See, we’ve got crazy psycho killers from Travis County!!!
Harold & the boys,
I bet Harry and some of the others out there agree with me that Mr. Tobe Hooper’s THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE is not only a great horror picture, but one of the all time greats of American independent Cinema. A real hall of famer. Well if so you’ll remember that crazy old drunk in the cemetery at the beginning. “You laugh at an old man.” The kids are asking around about which bodies got dug up and the old man tries to warn them away from this godforsaken shit hole out there in Harryland.
Well today I am that old man leaning up against the tombstone, warning you against the worst type of dumb movie: the kind of dumb movie that is a remake of perfect movie. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Jessica Biel, Marcus Nispel, Michael Bay, remakes, slashers
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews | 10 Comments »
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
THE ORDER: FROM CREMASTER PART 3
2002
directed by Matthew Barney
written by Matthew Barney
based on characters created by Matthew Barney
starring Matthew Barney, Agnostic Front, Murphy’s Law
and introducing Matthew Barney
produced by Matthew Barney
Matthew Barney Matthew Barney Matthew Barney
Synopsis: In this third installment in the popular slasher series, some guy wearing a pink kilt with a napkin in his mouth (Matthew Barney) is in a big white room, climbing around on shit. The Rockettes are there and also the bands Agnostic Front and Murphy’s Law. But just when things seem to be going well, this lady turns into some kind of half cheetah lady. Will the napkin guy be able to still climb around and shit? Meanwhile, there are some little hammer things that he keeps fondling.
Review: Well there has been alot of talk about the Cremaster franchise which this guy Matt Barney plays in art galleries and he thinks it is not a movie but actually a statue. That is why he refuses to release any of them on dvd except for this half hour excerpt from part 3. Because it is a statue.
Stephen Holden said in the New York Times, “To my eyes, at least, the Cremaster films convey a sense of antic adventure and playfulness that all but vanished from the Star Wars movies beginning with The Phantom Menace.” It’s true, I was sitting next to him and during the pod race scene he kept mumbling, “this needs more of that Matthew Barney kind of vibe to it.” (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Matthew Barney, unwatchable garbage
Posted in Horror, Reviews | 6 Comments »
Sunday, August 31st, 2003
Well friends I’m back after a few months of travelling around the world learning every martial art known to man, or maybe just not being inspired enough to write. One of the two. I would like to thank the people who wrote me nice e-mails to make sure I was okay or encourage me to Write again. Also I would like to thank the people who sent me advice about paying my mortgage, penis enlargement, the hot new mother and daughter pictures, my details and especially the wicked screensaver.
As usual, it is hard to write about politics these days because holy jesus, where do you even start? I have noticed that there were a whole lot of us who were right, and a couple people on tv who were wrong, and yet I haven’t seen anybody saying I told you so. Thanks alot assholes, for taking the fun out of “I told you so.” It sucks to be right when being right means that all those troops you supported so god damn much are left rotting in the desert with no mission, no welcome, no desire to be there, and no hope for coming home any time soon, unless they run over a bomb and lose a couple limbs. Every once in a while you see one of them on tv looking sad, and you have to imagine a little thought balloon over their head that says, “4 more years!?” Oh well, it’s a volunteer army, I guess you can’t really complain that you got shipped off to your doom by the same assholes who turned around the very next day and cut your benefits and your pay. I wonder how many of those congress bitches were still wearing their american flag pins when they signed that into law? No biggie, when we’re done arguing about gay marriage and the ten commandments maybe we’ll look into bringing them home. IF there’s time. I doubt it but maybe. Keep your pants on, troops. Go USA. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ang Lee, Danny Boyle, Eric Bana, McG, Nick Nolte, Ronny Yu, slashers, Steve Norrington
Posted in Action, Comedy/Laffs, Comic strips/Super heroes, Crime, Drama, Horror, Reviews, Romance, Thriller, Vern Tells It Like It Is | 22 Comments »
Monday, May 26th, 2003
Hey folks, Harry here… Vern sent in a review for a movie I’ve just plum never heard of? From the sound of it, I’m shocked we haven’t. I mean a Bruce Campbell movie left uncovered by AICN? Hey Zeus Morales! Ya know? And with Don Coscarelli, you’d think Quint might’ve reported in, but that lazy bastard’s been holding out on us! Well, no more. Vern here is breaking what can only be a conspiracy of silence at the very heights of the corporate whores at AICN, and he’s breaking that door down to tell you folks for the first time about BUBBA HO-TEP… A film that studios everywhere are conspiring to keep from you. The bastards! Here ya go… Thank Beezlebub for Vern!
Dear Harry,
Like I promised I’m back with more incredibly insightful and well Written SIFF coverage and last night I went to the midnight show of BUBBA HO TEP. I know you guys have already reviewed the shit out of this movie but personally I never read any of those reviews because I was waiting for me to review it. And I sincerely doubt I was the only one. So here it is folks, your very first look at BUBBA HO TEP. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bruce Campbell, Don Coscarelli, Elvis, Joe R. Lansdale, mummies, Ossie Davis, Seattle International Film Festival
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews, SIFF | 1 Comment »
Saturday, April 19th, 2003
Well this is the long delayed horror movie from first time writer-director Robert Zombie. Let’s face it, that’s probaly not the dude’s real name. But I like it better than “McG.” Apparently Mr. Zombie is some sort of rock and/or roller who directs his own videos and draws his own album covers, and my guess is that he’s better at the artistical stuff than at the actual rock n roll.
Everything I know about Rob Zombie I know from this movie. I know that he likes brutal ’70s horror movies, in particular THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE but also probaly THE HILLS HAVE EYES. I know that he is fascinated by gaudy roadside attractions, tasteless t-shirt slogans, phoney sideshow curiosities, serial killer legends, spookhouse rides, scary rednecks, Bela Lugosi movies, Zacherly-style TV horror hosts, iconic Halloween decorations, oversized paper mache masks, gimmicky cereal boxes, old video footage faded to the point of abstraction, violent satanic rituals. He also has great taste in b-movie actors judging by the cast which includes Sid Haig (SPIDER BABY), Bill Moseley (TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2), Tom Towles (HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER) and Karen Black (everything). If you cram all of those motifs and influences so that they barely fit into one movie, this is what you get. Or to put it another way, you take the first two texas chain saw movies, and you put an episode of Pee Wee’s playhouse in between em, then you smoosh it together like a peanut butter sandwich and keep it in your pocket for a while. like that imaginary sandwich the movie is kind of sticky and messy and doesn’t really work but it’s got a lot of good shit in there. I’m not sure why the hell you would put a sandwich in your pocket though, that’s kind of a weird analogy. what the hell man. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bill Moseley, Crhis Hardwick, Halloween, Karen Black, Matthew McGrory, Michael J. Pollard, Rainn Wilson, Robert Zombie, Sid Haig, Tom Towles, Walton Goggins
Posted in Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »
Monday, February 17th, 2003
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Vern’s a good egg. If you don’t know that by now, then catch up to the rest of us and enjoy this new review by him.
Boys –
It’s me Vern. Remember me, I write articles, win awards, etc. Today I am returning to my old shtick of reviewing straight to video sequels nobody asked for. Enjoy!
Actually the first picture I’m gonna deal with here is not completely un-asked for. The first movie CUBE was one of those small time cult movies that nobody is really rabid about but everybody kind of likes. The premise is that a group of strangers find themselves inside strange, symmetrical rooms with vault doors on each side. When they go through a door, they find themselves in a room exactly like the last one. And when they go through one of the doors in there, it’s another room exactly like that one. And when they go through one of the doors in there, it’s another room exactly like that one. And I could go on man. There’s nowhere to go. So of course they get into a George A. Romero type deal where they each have a different background and they argue and what not by they try to put aside their differences to solve the puzzle of “what in fuck’s name is going on here.” There is math, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Andrzej Sekula, Craig Sheffer, DTV, DTV sequels, Jason Scott Lee, Patrick Lussier, vampires
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 1 Comment »
Friday, October 4th, 2002
Hey folks, Harry here… Vern wants Daddy (me) to start talking with Mommy (Moriarty), but he’s has got to stop telling me he has a headache and turning that oh so soft shoulder to chilly ice. Daddy needs some loving, and Mommy has been oh so cruel. Sadness, for sure. Anyways… Here’s another look at the Dreamworks RING remake from a bloke that is very very familiar with the originals! Here ya go…
Boys –
First of all, you gotta start talking to each other again. I don’t like it when mommy and daddy fight.
Second of all, I know you already have an assload of THE RING (american remake) reviews. But I think you need to use mine also, as a sign of gratitude toward me, the man who first told you about the japanese RINGU series and the impending remake back in July of 2000. So look at this as the highly anticipated sequel to the article “Vern Steals A Look At THE RING Part I and II!!” CLICK HERE
Of course, I got one thing wrong back then. I said it was New Line Cinema doing the remake, turned out to be Dreamworks. I think the rights might’ve been passed around though, I remember Moriarty told me at the time that he talked to somebody at New Line and they swore they were gonna re-release it and not remake it. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: American remake, Gore Verbinski, Naomi Watts, remakes
Posted in AICN, Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 9 Comments »
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
The box’ll get you expecting some weird french version of CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, but I say it’s a 2000s Hammer movie. So you got a period piece with a mysterious beast eating people in a village, and the townspeople are trying to hunt it but they’re on the wrong track, and some colorful experts come to town to get the job done FOR REAL.
All that, but it’s the 2000s so they all do karate. Just like Charlie’s Angels, Mission: Impossible, X-Men, Superman, Charles In Charge, anybody that’s resurrected in the 2000s, they’re gonna do karate. Why? The Matrix. When? The 2000s. Where? A big screen near you. This includes not just americans, but also the French. The Musketeer did karate and Vidocq did detective style kung fu, and this movie introduces until-now-unknown traditions of French and Native American martial arts. Those scenes are kind of tossed in there, but it’s not quite as crazy as it sounds. If you like the movie like I did, it will probaly be due to the classic story of the monster eating the villagers, and the dudes trying to track the monster. Not the karate. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Christophe Gans, Mark Dacascos, Monica Bellucci, Vincent Cassel
Posted in Action, Horror, Mystery, Reviews | 8 Comments »
Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
Well here we are with another slightly above average horror picture from Stuart Gordon, the guy who did REANIMATOR and a couple other halfway decent movies, but who seems to live next door to Full Moon Video or something. By this I do not mean that he only makes movies about little bastards like ghoulies, demonic toys, subspecieses, dollmen, shrunken heads, puppet masters, and etceteras. All I mean is that he seems to share alot of stylistic choices, collaborators and straight to video horror blood with those guys. But this is one of his movies that seems a little better. A little.
I know this one got a small amount of theatrical play here in seattle and that alone is an amazing accomplishment for Stuart these days. In case you are wondering it is not about dragons. If you look closely there is no R. In fact it is about a village of fish people, which could only mean that it is based on stories by Howard P. Lovecraft. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: H.P. Lovecraft, Stuart Gordon
Posted in Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Sunday, July 21st, 2002
Well we know the spanish can do good modern horror, and the japanese can do it, and there’s that one canadian dude. But what about the Brits? They had the great Hammer Studios way back when, and they made the Wickerman I believe, so they got a good tradition going. But it’s been a while since I’ve heard about a real good one. To be honest I haven’t paid too much attention to the british culture lately. All I know is they got those annoying crime movies and that tv show where you go into your friend’s house, repaint it and glue a bunch of pinecones and inner tubes together as decorations.
But now maybe they got the next horror visionary. A newcomer by the name of Neil Marshall, he wrote and edited a couple earlier movies and this is his debut as writer/director/editor/credit hog. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Kevin McKidd, Liam Cunningham, Neil Marshall, Sean Pertwee, werewolves
Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews | 9 Comments »
