Hey folks, Harry here… Well let’s see… Mr Beaks and I both liked THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, but Quint and now Vern didn’t like it… with Vern more or less striking with out and out hatred and venom. This is exactly what will happen to you if you carry the original in the theater with you. So, if you’re expecting the experience of the first film… I suggest renting the first film. If you want to see a “STUDIO VERSION” of this story, then check this film out, but I only suggest going if you’re open to that.

Meanwhile… here ya go, for all you monkeys that have been saying that TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE was 100% based on Ed Gein… take a look at this LINK!!! See, we’ve got crazy psycho killers from Travis County!!!

Harold & the boys,

I bet Harry and some of the others out there agree with me that Mr. Tobe Hooper’s THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE is not only a great horror picture, but one of the all time greats of American independent Cinema. A real hall of famer. Well if so you’ll remember that crazy old drunk in the cemetery at the beginning. “You laugh at an old man.” The kids are asking around about which bodies got dug up and the old man tries to warn them away from this godforsaken shit hole out there in Harryland.

Well today I am that old man leaning up against the tombstone, warning you against the worst type of dumb movie: the kind of dumb movie that is a remake of perfect movie.

The Texas Chainsaw MassacreWhen I first heard Michael Bay was producing a remake of ‘SAW I just about had a heart attack. Even back when Tobe Hooper wanted to do one I thought that was a bad idea. But this sounded like the worst possible combination of bad filmatist and good movie. Then I heard that Daniel Pearl was returning as cinematographer, and that crazy drill sergeant fuck with the big eyebrows, R. Lee Ermey, was in it. I started think damn, I almost want to see this movie. Then all the reviews started to appear on, you know, popular Austin-based movie web sights that will remain nameless to protect their reputations. These were positive reviews, sometimes by smart people, often people claiming to be fans of the original masterpiece. And I started to get more curious. What if they really did it? What if they overcame the odds and made a good or okay remake, like THE THING or THE FLY or THE BLOB or even NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 1990? Hell, I was dead set against THE RING AMERICAN STYLE but I ended up liking it alot.

Well, this ain’t fuckin that. This ain’t even on the level of PLANET OF THE APES.

(Attention people who read movie reviews before seeing the movie and then are surprised that the review discussed things that happened in the movie. Don’t read this one.*)

I won’t exaggerate. This isn’t as bad as it could’ve been. It doesn’t have that supercrack editing style you think of when you sadly find yourself thinking about Michael Bay. In some ways it’s better than TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION. The acting is better and the ending’s not quite that dumb. This one’s more like part 3. There are a couple of sicko lines and ideas that you like intellectually, but it feels contrived, like it’s trying to be a CHAIN SAW movie, not like it actually IS one.

I guess the premise here is that the original masterpiece is a fictionalized account of an actual event, and this moronic remake is the real deal. Trouble is the real TCSM feels real, and the remake feels like any other phoney baloney movie. These are horror movie characters who do the type of stupid shit that horror movie characters do. They don’t just make a couple mistakes and run into trouble. They repeatedly wander around in and break into scary looking places where they obviously shouldn’t go, especially after just watching a girl rant about someone trying to kill her and then blow her own head off.

They open up things and fuck with strangers and run right into spooky, foggy abandoned slaughterhouses while being chased. They trust people they obviously shouldn’t. They are very gullible about proper police procedures. They see dead bodies and almost get sick, but never actually do get sick. They have to pee but the bathroom’s too gross, so apparently they hold it for the rest of the movie. They pick up jars of pee and look at them but never realize hey, that’s a jar of pee. They get punished for smoking pot and making out, like teens always do in all those ’70s horror movies EXCEPT Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

This is a movie where if you hide in a closet, 5 squeaky rats will appear out of nowhere to give away your location. Where a small meat cleaver can easily cut through bone. Where a girl can be terrorized all day long and keep her shirt tied up to expose her cute little belly button the whole time. But don’t worry, babies won’t be harmed and inbred kids will turn out to be nice in the end.

I always liked how the original started out on a sweltering day, continued into the night, and ended with the sun coming up again in the morning. It felt like you were really in that ordeal all night. This one starts on a hot day with Michael Bay style fetishistic shots of kids covered in a glistening layer of sweat, and ends on a pouring down rain Dark and Stormy Night like you see in the movies. One of those Texas summer floods, I guess.

This is also the type of movie where Jessica Biel backs up against a wall and Leatherface’s arms tear through the wood behind her and grab her. I guess they must be setting up a LEATHERFACE VS. JASON because Jason’s gonna be pissed when he sees Leatherface ripping off his shit. (Does Jason go to movies? I guess maybe not.)

I mean, this isn’t ‘SAW, this is just a movie. They try to copy some of the ambient score of the original, but still when there’s an emotional moment or something your typical orchestra music pipes in to tell you how to feel. Thanks.

If Michael Bay and that guy who was fired from END OF DAYS really are fans of ‘SAW, well… they sure have a funny way of showing it. Actually, what I should say is they must not’ve seen it since they were kids. We all heard how Bay said this would be less gorey than the (not gorey at all) original, and of course it turns out to be far gorier. (Don’t see it for that, though, it’s nowhere near as disgusting as part 2.) But more importantly, most of the elements that make the real movie so great are left out of the remake and not replaced with anything that could make up for losing them. You don’t just put Leatherface and some body parts in a movie and have yourself a Texas Chain Saw picture. Have you even seen the movie?

Okay, here’s a quiz then. Who’s the best character in TCSM?

Well duh, the hitchhiker. But there’s no hitchhiker in the remake, not an Edwin Neal type anyway.

What is the best scene in TCSM?

Well, if it’s not the hitchhiker, obviously it’s the dinner scene. Not in the remake at all.

Can you believe that? It’s like remaking STAR WARS without that round space station thing blowin up at the end. Or NORTH BY NORTHWEST without the cropduster.

There’s also no Grandpa. No creepy news report on the radio. No graveyard scene. No graverobbing at all. No speech about the slaughterhouse (“That was better. They died better that way.”) No onscreen meat eating. Not a lot of bones, just a couple attached to dolls by a little boy. There’s no Cook. R. Lee Ermey plays a similar role, but doesn’t get as much screen time as Jim Siedow did.

There are no scenes where family members yell at each other. In fact, hardly any interaction between the family members at all. TCSM isn’t about Leatherface, it’s about a family of maniacs, but this remake keeps them all separate until a little part at the end, like you don’t assume they’re in it together. R. Lee, the only memorable new character, doesn’t even interact with Leatherface.

They do have the metal door slamming, and the butt shot of course, and Leatherface cutting his leg. They kind of got the saw twirling at the end. And they definitely remembered the meat hook. They keep going back to it like, oh, I know what’ll get ’em. The meat hook. Let’s go back to the meat hook again.

Leatherface is okay. He mostly looks better than the last two sequels. Just to be safe they keep him in the shadows most of the movie, so he kind of looks like the real Leatherface from some angles. You know, like how Will Smith really looked like Ali when they showed him from the back.

But then he has this one mask that’s got evil eyes on it, you know, like a creased brow. I guess Leatherface must’ve cut off an evil guy’s face when he was making evil eyes at him. I bet that guy deserved to get his face cut off, he looked pretty evil, man.

Oh yeah, but get this. He takes the mask off! He really does. He has a messed up face with no nose, and later they say he had a rare skin disease and everyone picked on him so that’s why he wears people’s faces. I don’t know if it was a Michael Jackson reference or not. But I do know for sure it was, you know, totally fuckin stupid. This screening was attended by a whole new generation of dumb horror fans (like you saw at the friday the 13th sequels in the ’80s) who yell YEEEAAAH!!! for every act of violence against any character. But even some of these guys groaned when the mask came off. I talked to one guy who said that turned him against the movie.

There are a couple good ideas in the movie. There’s a part where a gal has to help an amputee up after he falls dumping his piss bottle down the john. That’s an uncomfortable situation you don’t see in movies alot. Also R. Lee Ermey has a couple good lines and a scene where he forces a guy to sit in a blood spot where the girl killed herself and put the same gun in his mouth. Instead of a girl on a meathook its a dude that already got one leg cut off, and he sticks around for a while and tries to pull himself off. I was thinking okay, maybe he’ll escape and hop around on one foot for a while, that might be funny. But no, he stays hooked. I wasn’t really rooting for the guy anyway because who gives a shit about that character. It’s almost like they don’t want you to like most of the cast, because all but two of them want to just dump the suicide girl’s body on the side of the road before they even talk to the police. Not that the kids in the original were your best friends (especially Franklin) but they didn’t go out of their way to make them all into selfish assholes.

It was cool that they got John Laroquette to do the narration again, but I didn’t like what they did with it. The narration starts out the same as in the real ‘SAW but over crime scene shots supposedly taken by the police. He talks about the police files as if this whole movie is taken from what’s written in the files. Then of course by the end of the movie you know that the police didn’t find out that any of this stuff happened, so what’s the deal with the police files?

At the end they pin the murders on some name like “Thomas Newton, also known as… LEATHERFACE!” But come on, Laroquette. How do you know that? Nobody called him Leatherface in the whole movie. To WHO is he also known as Leatherface? Just us?

And one more thing Laroquette. Didn’t you think that deal with the SPOOOOOKY scratched up black and white footage was lame? It’s supposed to be police taking footage of the crime scene. I did like how they showed scratches and a clump of hair on the wall, and you had to wait to see where that came from. The dumb part is they go back to the footage again at the very end of the movie. Suddenly, Leatherface pops up and grabs the cop and they freeze on a blurry frame of the Leatherface mask. The only known image of him, blah blah blah.

Yeah, that’s exactly what we need. Remake a 30 year old classic and end it with a lift from the fucking BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

Why did you let them do it, Laroquette? You fuckin blew it, dude.

Listen up all you fuckers out there who might some day make a TEXAS CHAIN SAW movie. There are many reasons why part 2 is the only chainsaw sequel that anybody likes very much. And it has nothing to do with Leatherface. Forget about fucking Leatherface! Part 2 has a different Leatherface, with a mask by Tom Savini. He’s a little more retarded and sexually confused, so you kind of feel sorry for him. But they have Jim Siedow back as the cook, and they let him loose. “This town loves prime meat.” The hitchhiker died in part 1, but they brought in his brother Chop Top (back from Vietnam) played brilliantly by Bill Moseley. This is a very funny, completely insane character who talks about music while he picks pieces of skin off his head wound with a coat hanger and snacks on them. “Leatherface, you bitch hog, you ruined my Sonny Bono wig!” These are the characters that make a ‘Saw picture. Matthew McConaghey didn’t cut it, and not even Viggo Mortensen did. R. Lee almost cuts it but he’s only a cook, he needs a hitchhiker or a Chop Top at his side.

Come to think of it R. Lee doesn’t have as much dimension to his character as the cook did. That guy was brutal like R. Lee but he seemed kind of conflicted about it. He ties up Sally and puts her in a bag, and as he drives her to the house he keeps apologizing and jabbing her with a broom handle. Then he complains about his electric bill. R. Lee’s character is funny-scary-sick, but he’s still not as interesting.

I know some of you kids in the talkbacks will say who cares, I want to see Jessica Biel’s titties. Well if that’s the case read Maxim, asshole. You don’t even have to be 18 to buy it I don’t think. If you like softcore porn of actresses from tv shows, then fine. What’s next, remake TAXI DRIVER with the gal from Alias? Have some fuckin respect. Remake a Shannon Tweed movie or something.

Please, I know you kids have seen the positive reviews on the internet, but don’t listen to that shit. If the internet gave a good review of jumping off a bridge, would you do it?

This looks like shit, it walks like shit and it is in fact, you know… walking shit, I guess. If you feel like watching THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, it just got re-released on dvd. Check it out. This remake is not the same thing. When Jessica Biel cried, “I just want to go home,” I thought – “You and me both, lady.”

New Line, it’s not too late to shelve this fucker. Let’s pretend this never happened. All will be forgiven.

By the way, I know Michael Bay also wants to remake OMEGA MAN, and that other asshole is doing DAWN OF THE DEAD. Tell you what, I’ll save you the trouble of having to figure out all my favorite movies so you can piss all over them. Here’s a list of some movies I like:

Once Upon a Time in the West, El Topo, Blade, Ghost Dog, Die Hard, When We Were Kings, Petey Wheatstraw, Rope, Sonatine, Mad Max, The Getaway, Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, Dirty Harry, Vampire Lovers, The King of Comedy, Mr. Majestyck, Fight Club.

So there you go, have at it frat boy. Re-imagine the shit out of ’em. Introduce them to a new generation ’til they can’t see straight. Make them “less gorey” and “emphasize the thriller aspects.” They won’t know what hit ’em!

And after that you can lick my plate, dog dick.

thanks bud,


p.s. Oh yeah but I guess you did a pretty strong performance as the cut off head Harry. good work buddy.

*At this preview screening they actually searched each person with a metal detector at the door, causing a huge bottleneck which blocked the top of a jampacked escalator. If people hadn’t jumped out of the way repeatedly it would’ve been one of those horrible freak accidents like when 20 kids jump on a waterslide all at once. I figure if New Line Cinema thinks it’s okay to risk maiming a bunch of teenage horror fans just so a bootleg of their shitty movie won’t get out 2 days early, then it’s okay for me to give away every last surprise in the movie.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/16307

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 7:17 a.m. CST

    wow, that was brutal (nm)

    by DancesWithWerewolves

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 7:19 a.m. CST

    I never thought I’d ever call Vern the voice of reason…

    by Cash Bailey

    But it’s nice to finally find someone who isn’t distracted by purty pictures and sweaty heaving boobies to expose this sham for what it is: a desperate, pointless plundering of a perfect original. Fuck Michael Bay, that orange German fuck-wit and anyone else who has supported this film, be it through lenient reviews, suck-ass junket articles or relentless pimping on their site while doing their best to hide that fact that they were paid off by a cameo, an exclusive screening and, most probably, access to Jessica Biel’s laundry hamper. Nothing in the film world has ever made me as angry as this.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 7:19 a.m. CST


    by zoidzoidzoid

    That’s all people are concerned with nowadays, people like Bay and them. It’s obvious on this movie it’s just about using the good name of a horror classic to make a boatload of money from idiots who think it’s gonna be cool. It’s a good film name, it sounds good, and it will sell alot of tickets. Bay doesn’t care about making it accurate, it’s all about $$$.

    Boycott time!

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 7:22 a.m. CST

    I saw it last night, and thought it was pretty good…

    by Otter

    …granted, it was missing some of the original concepts, but no remake is identical to the original, except for Psycho, which most people said sucked anyway. The preview audience cringed and jumped in the right places, and isn’t that what really matters? People being entertained, whether it’s a good scare or shock, it what most people go to a horror movie for anyway. Very disturbing, very scary.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 7:42 a.m. CST

    Micheal Bay answers back!

    by zoidzoidzoid

    See above, heh…

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 8:18 a.m. CST

    “And all men kill the thing they love”

    by CuervoJones

    Oscar Wilde said that. I guess that prick Bay really loves TCM

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 8:45 a.m. CST

    The Texas Dildo Masquerade

    by Some Dude

    Aside from Splatman and Edward Penis-hands, TDM might be the best porno parody of all time. Although, it follows more closely the plot and scene structure of the film it parodies than do the first two films, there is something decidedly non-sexual about a porno based on Leatherface and co. Despite the lack of wankability, the movie is very funny. Highlights of the comedy include: opening narration and scoll, the location Anus Texas, Pussyface, and a chainsaw retrofitted with a big dildo. I hope they make a remake…

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 9:51 a.m. CST

    yeah, just what I thought

    by elfstoned

    This is just the type of reaction that I might have if I’d seen the movie, too. All those horror-movie cliches that the original didn’t have – didn’t have to have. Besides, wasn’t TCM so good because it worked as a horror movie and black comedy at the same time? The cook, the hitchhiker, leatherface – it’s like the three stooges of serial murder.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 10:58 a.m. CST

    I Will see this, just to put my suspicious to rest, but Vern’s c

    by Blacklist

    It’s like a studio sawing up your best friend, then putting him back together in frankenstein-form and saying ‘look, he’s just as good as he was before!’ except that he’s dumber, weaker and you can’t help asking why the hell they bothered to do it in the first place. I might wind up enjoying it, assuming that I’m in the right mood and put it out of my mind that I’m seeing a remake of a great movie. That said, I’m nowhere near as forgiving of anyone laying a finger on Dawn of the Dead!

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 11:23 a.m. CST

    Harry, did you even read that newspaper article?

    by Chet Hudson

    Last line: “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre premiered Oct. 17, 1974, the murders occurred on Oct. 28, 1974.” Sheesh.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 11:44 a.m. CST


    by pmorano

    I can’t beleive ANYONE thought this would be good. Suckers. Vern, dammit, why aren’t you drunk anymore? I bet you were never dunk in the first place. You’ve shattered my great perception of you.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 3:20 p.m. CST

    I used to be impartial, but with all the inaccuracy in his posts

    by OverMuch


    the movie was not based on the Kleasen case.

    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was filmed in 1973 and vaguely inspired by the case of Ed Gein, a Wisconsin serial killer in the 1950s who inspired movies such as Psycho and Silence of the Lambs. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre premiered Oct. 17, 1974, the murders occurred on Oct. 28, 1974.


  • Oct. 16, 2003, 4:12 p.m. CST

    Harry’s link illustrates on of the things that makes TCM such a

    by rev_skarekroe

    People walk out after watching that movie CONVINCED that they’ve seen the goriest film ever made, which just isn’t true despite the brutal sadism of its characters. Similarly, Harry and others in previous Talkbacks are desperate to believe that TCM was based on some sort of true story, despite all evidence to the contrary, and despite the fact that any evidence THEY offer up tends to be proven false upon close examination. In conclusion, boobies. sk

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 4:14 p.m. CST

    Vern’s the best damn film reviewer around

    by Anti-fanboy

    In my opinion. And fuck remakes.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 5:03 p.m. CST

    Vern is right

    by Kutulhu

    Even if you don’t compare it to the original, if you watch it as a stand alone film, it is still a piece of shit.

    Firstly, anyone who says this film is “disturbing” is a fucking asshole who obviously hasn’t watched nothing else but Disney and 7th Heaven. THIS MOVIE IS NOT DISTURBING. Unless you count the number of times Jessica Biel gets her T-Shirt soaked (Which is three). I mean, jeez…I like boobs, but it is fucking ridiculous to think that Leatherface, chasing a woman out of a freezer inside a meat factory, would stop TO TURN ON THE SPRINKLERS!!! What the fuck!!

    Wait, you know what is disturbing? The forced characterization fo Leatherface. Turns out, he is not some nutjob from a family of nutjobs, no, no, no…he got picked on as a child. Give me a fucking break, it is bad enough they try to explain it, but then they give the most tired excuse.

    Also disturbing is the lack of actual gore. Sure it is gorier then the original, but sans the scene of the hitchhiker offing herself (the best shot of the film) there is little more then splashes of blood and a quick amputation. Now, gore isn’t the driving factor in which I judge movies, but come on. I guess when you say it is going to be gorier then the first movie, its like saying there will be more sex then in the Sound of Music.

    Lets see…oh yea, very disturbing was the use of every fucking cliche in the book. Hey look, she picked a hiding spot that happen to be where all the rats in the house like to hang out. Hey, I will lock this pig in a locker and it will jump out exactly when I need it, even though I am in a completely different locker, and it will distract Leatherface long enough for me to get away Oh no, it looks like the guy we called for help is actually a bag guy.

    I guess this movie really is disturbing after all.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 5:37 p.m. CST

    TCM was based on Ed Gein, Hooper Said so himself

    by SqueeandSchmee

    Hooper said he visted realatives not to far from Plainsfield (where Gein slashed up corpses mostly, only 2 real victems). The stories about this guy who wore his mothers skin (torso, face, hair, pussy, all of it) and supposedly cannabalized the corpses(he swore he never did) and made stuff from the dead folks skin (like a chair, a belt made out of female nipples, etc). That’s what leatherface was based on. The rest is from Hooper’s imagination.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 5:45 p.m. CST

    great review

    by poopoodle

    hey vern, that kicked ass. I was contemplating seeing this but now I’ll try to convince my wife to watch the original again. thanks.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Stop with Bay-bashing already!

    by superdave

    I’ve heard enough of that shit…Okay, he’s the biggest rich boy in Hollywood, BUT, there are FAAR worse directors out there!

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 6:15 p.m. CST

    yes yes and YES

    by maceodkat

    I couldnt agree with Vern’s review and the TB’s voice of reason..

    I’m trying to get my horror fix in, especially after the build up to FvsJ, but these friggin numbnutzz cant end a fucking movie and Im sick and tired of being able to get my rocks off at the movies… WTF!

    Harry is claiming to bring together the movie of all movies…please fatman gives us three soild acts…

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 6:58 p.m. CST

    I love this review

    by ufoclub

    please write more abut other half assed stuff that is put up on the big screen or little screen (“Taken” comes to mind)

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 7:03 p.m. CST

    Hate to say it but VERN IS SOOO RIGHT ON THE MONEY on this one!

    by MentallyMariah

    total example of a KICK ASS TRAILER and a stupid ass movie! I sat there totally excited and as the lights went down, I could feel my excitment and anticipation getting higher…But I guess it just never did anything for me, I never felt scared, I felt like I was waiting for the movie to kick my ass and it never did…The inbred kid was lame…the Trailer with the fat lady and the dykie looking freak bitch was a joke…the locker room hide out scene, I kept thinking JASON VS FREDDY…I dunno but I was underwhemled by this one, Guess it’s back to seeing Kill bill for the 7th time instead of a repeat of Texas Chainsaw this weekened..And Hello Was it me or was Mystic Pizza, whoops I meant Mystic River a YAWN??? I started the morning out with Mystic River and ended it with Texas Chainsaw, two movies I was really eagerly anticipating…Man what a dissapointing movie day yesterday was..on and by the way…THAT ENDING where the camera drops, FUCKING LAME LAME LAME!! My screenign audience actually let out a few boos and groans…We left the Blair Witch ages ago, I can’t believe they would even go there with that ended for Texas…..

    If you have to see Texas this weekend, which I know EVERYBODY and their two year olds will go!! Just go into it knowning that it will SUCK HARD, maybe you might be surprised!!

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 8:09 p.m. CST

    ed gein and tcm

    by SimpsonsQuoteMan

    I’m going to be all arrogant here, but hey its for your own good. I know a hell of a lot about this movie and what surrounds it, and especially what aspects there is to what it was based on. The bottom line is, tobe said in an interview that when he was growing up there was always these stories about these sorts of things, some very very true (ed gein) some just folk stories that grew from real incidents and took on a life of their own. These stories became part of his upbringing, and tcm is simply an expression of his own impressions of these stories, which, i remind you, are a big molasses of truth and myth.

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 9:47 p.m. CST

    Times change…

    by Techtite

    The problem with remaking Texas Chainsaw Massacre is that any guy wielding a blade-type weapon –even a chainsaw– can easily be SHOT down. Come on. Can any slasher pic be as effective anymore, after Indiana Jones, and that classic Raiders of the Lost Ark scene? Guy with two big swords comes up, slash, slash, sword trick, sword trick, slash slash, bwa-ha-ha, what are you gonna do about me, Indy? BANG! That’s what. End of problem. Oh, and what about that other idiot on the second season of Buffy; “No forged weapon can kill me!!!” No problem, thinks Buffy: Kaboom! HA! Cool episode, BTW. I

  • Oct. 16, 2003, 10:47 p.m. CST


    by AZJim


    Please update your site more frequently. At least post a link to this review, and say something about the Pentagon sending a form letter from Iraq (“this place is awesome!”) to a bunch of newspapers and signing the names of a bunch of different American soldiers to it. Now that’s scary.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 12:50 a.m. CST

    dog will hunt

    by blue7

    Good job, Vern – loved the review. I’d like to suggest giving the remake of NOTLD that Savini directed another look before you go all fucking nutzoid and start calling it OK. It may be many things, but OK it certainly ain’t. Why Savini put his name on that bowl of toilet chili is beyond me.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Still gonna give it a try

    by chamberfreak

    I’m not too familiar with Vern’s tastes as I am new to this site but here is what I am going to do. I am a huge horror fan and somewhat of a horror buff so going into the remake I will have major reservations as I love the original. In the same token I will be going in with an open mind as I have purposely avoided watching the original for a long time. I will watch it AFTER I see this remake. Will I hate it? Probably but I will still be open minded about it. Anyway, that was one killer critique of it and one hell of a read. Wish me and my friends luck tomorrow night.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 3:47 a.m. CST

    The Getaway

    by cheisok

    Didn’t they already remake this movie…it’s not really worth mentioning but I don’t think Vern knows about it.

    There’s something that will never be duplicated about the first movie – Ali McGraw. She was the biggest piece of ass when that movie was made. Mc Queen rocks too.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 3:54 a.m. CST

    Another crap review. Sounds like somebody made their mind up bef

    by Sheamus

    Sure, TCM is classic horror, but if you can’t get past the fact that you’re watching a remake before you go to the theatre, then don’t bother going.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 3:58 a.m. CST

    One more quick thing…

    by Sheamus

    … if Bay had remade this scene-for-scene, you’d have slated him. Because he leaves out some of your favourite scenes, you slate him. Don’t get me wrong; Bay is no great director. But your obviously clear (and rabid) pre-opinion of this movie makes your comments on it worthless. The original TCM is classic horror, but for the bulk of the moviegoing public it’s trash. Badly acted, over-camp, trash. It certainly is not perfect. Haven’t this new film, so cannot comment on it directly; but I don’t think you really saw it either.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 6:57 a.m. CST

    Roger Ebert really kicked this film in the balls.

    by Graham_Minnesota

    As it deserved. Who in the hell actually thought that it would be a good idea to remake the “The Texas Chainsaw Massacare.” What an indication of how truly sad, pathetic and unimaginative some producers really are. Anyone who even remotely attempts to make the argument that this film should be “given a chance” can go fuck themselves (because they are truly tasteless pieces of shit.) I really like how the local film reviewer here in Minneapolis exclaimed that the only enjoyable element of this film is seeing Harry’s decapitated head on a workbench because of Mr. Knowles being such a “schlock shill” when it came to this film.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 8:51 a.m. CST

    The link to the article: “… they were cut up with a band saw w

    by PORKY

    What a stretch! This was stupid.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 10:33 a.m. CST

    by Rawhide Rex

    Hmmmm Harry…one could argue that you didn’t even finish reading the article you linked to.

    The article specifically states that TCM WAS NOT based on that Travis County case. Is says so right there in the second to last paragraph.

    The more i read these reviews…the more I think Harry and Co. are useless hacks. Just my opinion.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 10:34 a.m. CST


    by Rawhide Rex

    Hmmmm Harry…one could argue that you didn’t even finish reading the article you linked to.

    The article specifically states that TCM WAS NOT based on that Travis County case. Is says so right there in the second to last paragraph.

    The more i read these reviews…the more I think Harry and Co. are useless hacks. Just my opinion.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 3:04 p.m. CST

    Harry’s head in a pan…

    by Deepfried

    First off…beyond TCSM being an incredible piece of trash that I’m actively telling everyone not to see, with every cliche that manistream Hollywood has for a “Horror film” thrown at you (like the “Quick, save the baby!” scene, the “I didn’t smoke pot so you know I’ll survive this ordeal” scene, or the Dawson’s creek dialog circa 1995 written for a movie supposedly set in ’72, and so sooo many other things to count), you have Harry Knowles head in a pan in a really bad cameo. I laughed in the theater when I saw this. It explained SO much! The reason my ass was even in that seat was beacuse I had read his review and thought “Oh well, might as well take a look…Knowles thought it was OK…”, now I found out why Knowles liked it…he was in this piece of trash! He’s such a sell out that I can never believe one of his reviews (Except with Kill Bill, which was a great film)! And to sell out to Hollywood! I thought that Knowles would WANT to see good films made and not perpetuate the Hollywood schlock machine by becoming a Hollywood lackey! To completely sell out over a goddamn CAMEO?!? Come on! I shudder to think what you’d do if someone made him the star of “Charlie Angels 3: Bucket of Shit”. Harry…I hope you read this and realize that if you’re going to review things to a large group of people, you should be unbiased…otherwise you’re Rex Reed…

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 4:18 p.m. CST


    by brokecopy

    How can you not like this film? Believe me, I feared it when I heard it… the same as when ‘Psycho,’ was remade, but i previewed it last night and found it to be superior to the original.

    I loved the original, but it didn’t scare me or nerve me, it intriuged me. This one actually had me nervous and off kilterd. When the R. Lee had the kid play russian roulette, it was fucking intense.

    I can’t wait to read your thoughts on ‘Dawn of the Dead.’

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 4:53 p.m. CST

    superdave, what other big name directors out there do you think

    by oceansized

    If Ed Wood came back to life, had access to huge budgets, and a thinly veiled contempt for his audience, you’d more or less have Michael Bay. No other director better personifies the short attention span style of editing and filling up the frame with sound and fury to take the place of story and character development. Pearl Harbor is still one one the worst movie experineces I’ve ever had. We’re talking about a guy who’s best work is the Aaron Burr milk commericial.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 5:46 p.m. CST

    How could I hate this crappy remake?

    by Deepfried

    Simple…it was made inadequatly made for greed alone.

    Imagine a room in some large building where they make movies. And in this room are executives trying to figure out which movie property to give money to to make.

    Along comes some producer who remembers how much he/she liked a certain movie as a kid, and how much better he could make it. With his fresh ideas. Bah! Hooper was a hack, I’m an auteur! I made that direct to video movie for Disney last year! So he pitches the idea…

    The producers agree the film should be made. After all there is a following for it. And a following means “instant revenue in the box-office”. The other fresher ideas stink because they’re “unproven in certain demographics”.

    Then they get a writer fresh off of his stint on some marginally good/bad WB show about teens with angst. Director? How about that guy who did that hip hop video? Cast? The smiling teen chick who appeals to men and women ages 10 to 35. Wallah! We’ve got a hit!

    But they don’t. It’s poorly done. But that’s OK. We went and saw it because it was “Night of the Living Dead” or “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” or “Psycho”. We wanted to see how bad it would turn out. It was bad, but they got the money anyway, so the producer, director and all of the other “bottom line” schmucks profit, and we are rewarded with the remake of “The Exorcist” two years later directed by McG and starring everyones favorite sweetheart Hillary Duff. Reviews will be allright becasue Harry Knowles has a cameo on it as Satan’s ass, and he’ll give it a hearty “Thumbs Up!”.

    I want better films. I’m going abroad now.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Just saw the remake and…..

    by chamberfreak

    it’s not nearly as good as the original but there are some high points. To me I felt it did attempt to honor Tobe Hooper’s original. On it’s own it is better than a lot of theatrical horror movies but it is not even close to being up there with the all time greats. For people who are expecting an exact replica of the first one should just remember Psycho. It was a piece of shit. Remakes can sometimes surpass the original. John Carpenter’s The Thing is a perfect example. I homestly never liked the original. I loved Carpenter’s remake. When a studio decides to remake a classic you can’t expect it to be the same shot for shot. That’s just ridiculous if you think about it. Yes I am defending the remake but I am also saying that if you are going to watch it wait until it is on DVD or see it at a matinee. The theatre where I go to has a $3.75 Early Bird showing for movies Monday through Friday so it was actually cheaper for me to see it in the theatre than to wait until it’s out for rental. A lot of people though seemed to enjoy this movie. Whenever I go to one of the Early Bird showings there’s only a handful of people and most of them are seniors. Not today. You had a nearly packed theatre with many die hard TCM fans. Some hated it. Most like it. I was in the middle. I could take it or leave it. At least my TCM DVD came in the mail today so I have something to look forward to tonight. BTW, the people I went with actually liked this just as much as the original. The one thing we agreed on was that a lot of the black humor was taken out but it helped set the tone of the movie. So if you are contemplating on seeing it go into it thinking it’s just a new interpretation of the story. It will help. Out of five stars I give this movie between two and a half and three stars.

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 7:53 p.m. CST

    I want to fuck Jessica Biel in the ass so bad

    by super Cucaracha

    that I don’t give a fuck about negative reviews. I am still going to watch it…Fuck Roger Ebert anyways!!!

  • Oct. 17, 2003, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Obviously not original, but a worthy “Studio” version

    by Frylock

    Okay….i just saw the film in question, the 2003 “remake” of TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE…

    other than the fact that there is a group of kids, a Leatherface character, and a family of crazies…it is nothing like the original, BUT the new film is a worthy big-budget remake. Is it as original as Tobe Hooper’s film? Of course not, but is it better than most of the slasher films in the last 10 years? Hell Yes! (CABIN FEVER included!!! that flick sucked!) In the new film, the cinematography is very well done…albeit too stylized in my opinion….the acting is actually very good for what it is…the kids are actually very believable….R. Lee Ermy is sooooooooo good! very convincing and creepy! and Leatherface is more of a Freddy Kruger-kind of character, showing up even when logic says he probably wouldn’t, but in the context of this film it works because that is what this film is….less of a realistic-horror as the original and more of a predictable slasher….but for what it is, it is top-notch….the gore is more-so than the original, but it didn’t get too over-the-top like Hooper’s campy follow-up TEXAS CHAINSAW 2….and it is much better than that horrid film TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: NEXT GENERATION…..

    For the most part, i agree with Harry….scary….it gets your heart racing as much as a good Jason or Freddy movie…..and the element of good acting and lush cinematography certainly helps, but it is a shame that it isn’t what it could have been (and what we have all been hoping it could have been)….

  • Oct. 18, 2003, 1:11 a.m. CST

    The original Chainsaw is terrible…

    by Orange Brat

    This new one is 10 times better. I hate the original, but this is a work of modern day pop art. Screw the original Chainsaw, all hail the new reimagining.

  • Oct. 18, 2003, 2:25 a.m. CST

    Godzilla ’98, Planet of the Apes ’01, and Texas Chainsaw Massacr

    by Dark Knight Lite

    So much in common. GARBAGE.

  • Oct. 18, 2003, 1:45 p.m. CST

    The mystery of the missing nipples

    by Press Lenox

    I saw this dog fuck of a movie last night, here’s a question, where are Jessica Biel’s nipples? Seriously, she is soaking wet, shivering, in just a tank top and no nipples. Even when she is in the meat freezer hiding they are AWOL. Just one of the many mysteries of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

  • Oct. 18, 2003, 3:27 p.m. CST

    Simply Bad

    by morphous12

    TCM 2003 is above all, a bad movie. Although difficult, I decided to put aside my love of the original and view this objectively. Regardless of doing so, this movie is still awful. The screenplay was atrocious, and I believe that’s how this movie ended up being as god-awful as it is. The situations and motivations are ridiculous. The screenplay is just really bad. Although the direction is okay, it could not rise above the awful screenplay. And why all the Blair Witch stuff? (Blair Meat Co. ?)Absurd! But I have to admit, the movie did look pretty good. As a remake, the original still stands fierce and strong. Whereas the original was a powerful and horrific film – a film with strong underlying metaphorical and psychological themes – this new film settles for a run of the mill horror film formula, and cranks it out without regard for the clever nuances of the original. The original was nowhere near as gory as this mess of a remake. The original did not depend on an onslaught of gore to be effective, horrific, and powerful. And I was really surprised to see Tobe Hooper listed as co-producer. I wonder why he would take part in any way with the desecration of his work.

  • Oct. 19, 2003, 11:01 p.m. CST


    by TraderInDeath

    In this review you complain that this is a shitty remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. However, this is not intended to be a remake – instead it is a different take on the plot/story.

  • Oct. 19, 2003, 11:38 p.m. CST

    On my ignorance

    by Vern

    Okay then, it was a shitty take on the same story or plot, then. Which I thought was the same as a shitty remake but I guess you’re the one with the dictionary. Thanks for the clarification or whatever that was there, bud. your friend Vern

  • Oct. 21, 2003, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Vern is right on the money

    by IAmLegolas

    Anyone who disagrees is full of sh*t. You are the reason why [email protected] like this keeps getting made and you guys end up making it #1 over the weekend which will probably spawn a remake of the sequel and I hate you for it. God damn you all to hell !!!

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 16th, 2003 at 7:01 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

10 Responses to “Vern massacres the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!”

  1. The loop finally closes and after watching TCM’s 1-4, I got back around to rewatching TCM ’03 for the first time, and while I won’t be tweeting #NOTMYMASSACRE anytime soon, I do think viewed in context with the series, alot of the shine has worn off of this one. Like Vern’s Last Airbender review, watching and judging this in a vacuum obviously improves it – it’s well made and competent, it’s obviously better than probably 80% of the other horror movies that cluttered the early 2000s. Biel is legit great here, she’s easily the most developed and competent final girl in the series (even though I still prefer Stretch from Part 2). The pacing is fine, it’s never boring. If I’m not mistaken there’s actually more chainsaw violence here than in parts 1-4 combined.

    But is that enough? Is it wrong that I miss the wackiness and black comedy from the 3 sequels that the public mostly hated? Is it a right direction or a giant step backwards that the filmmakers decided to go back to basics and recreate the first one, even though the first one has already been ripped off a thousand times? I do kinda like some of the weird changes to the formula, like R. Lee Ermey playing the Hitchhiker/Choptop/Mortensen/McConoughey crazy brother role even though he seems more like he should be the cook/dad. But then again I like how normal family dynamics never quite seem to apply in these movies, like how McCounoughey was the father figure in the fourth one despite being younger than his brother, or how Leatherface’s daughter(!) in the 3rd one seemed more like his little sister. Also liked how the “secondary villain dies via vehicular accident” running gag is turned on its head with the heroine actually causing it this time.

    I have to admit I’m bummed about there not being a dinner scene – especially because you can kinda tell where there should be one in the movie – Biel gets knocked out, then escapes like every other heroine – it’s almost like they filmed the scene and took it out for time. (they coulda cut out the good kid character and the whole pointless subplot involving the baby instead, and where did the “Grandpa” character in the wheelchair even go?). Oh and another bummer is that literally every Chainsaw after part 1 had me going “Holy shit they ruined Leatherface” during his first appearance, and by the end of each film I was actually kinda charmed and won over by that film’s iteration. This is the only film that doesn’t do that, as this Leatherface is by far the least interesting and most generic. Yes, I liked Part 4’s Leatherface over this guy, so sue me.

  2. I remember dismissing this one when announced. Then it started getting great early-word-of-mouth (particularly on AICN) and I got interested. Then it was reveled AICN leader Harry Knowles has a kinda-cameo in the movie he neglected to tell everyone about before release in his glowing-review. Then I read Vern’s absolutely savage review and lowered my expectations again. I remember I almost decided not to bother with it after Vern’s review. So I went to see it and for a good bit of it I felt Vern was being way too hard on it. I thought it was pretty solid as it’s own thing (though our ‘heroes’ were a bit obnoxious). Then they dropped EVERYthing I was digging about it to make it a standard and generic (but slick) slasher film with Leatherface hunting Biel down. Shame we didn’t get a full horror movie of fake-cop Ermy terrorizing the kids. So then I joined the ‘it’s the worst thing ever’ brigade but since chilled on it. Maybe I should give it rewatch? At the time I hated part 4 but since rewatching it earlier this year I learned I kinda liked that one so thus far the Remake’s Prequel continues to the be the worst one. I look forward to your new take on it Neal.

  3. I am unfamiliar with both Sonatine and Vampire Lovers. I could look them up, but I prefer to hear from the outlawvern.com community. What are these movies that I have never heard of?

  4. I could also look them up huand I’d rather go with my vague memories. I believe SONATINE is a lesser known Beat Takeshi joint. VAMPIRE LOVERS I’m pretty sure is some old softcore Eurohorror.

  5. VAMPIRE LOVER sounds very Jess Franco

  6. Romans – Yeah I’ve actually never heard of those two movies either! Geoffrey – I’m looking forward to TCM: The Beginning too. I saw Matt Bomer’s name on the credits – I certainly hope he’s playing the starmaking Choptop role and not just another prettyboy victim.

    Speaking of which, I think I put my finger on why I didn’t like TCM 03 that much this time – the opening sequence with the hitchhiker is so brutal and so out-of-left-field that it really sets up a tone that the rest of the movie can’t live up to. I mean, it’s easily the goriest thing in the movie (and probably series), and makes you think “holy shit they actually showed that up close” instead of cutting away (and then most of the kills the rest of the movie end up tastefully cutting away). And it’s structurally so jarring – the character was JUST introduced, and by movie conventions you figure she would be a Newt-like major character or there’d at least be a long scene where the gang try to talk her out of it, but nope, 3 seconds in and she blows her brains out. (It’s even more unexpected when you take into consideration the role of the Hitchhiker in the first one). It truly sets up an “anybody can die at anytime” sense of dread, but then the movie proceeds to follow a traditional Final Girl formula (which a second viewing really shows).

    However, also re: the hitchhiker, I saw many people agreeing with you that the heroes in TCM ’03 are obnoxious and unlikable, but I actually liked the morally grey changes to the story, putting a late 90s Indie/Very Bad Things “we gotta hide the body!” spin on things. I mean, we can all complain about how heartless they are trying to dump the hitchhiker’s body and take off, but at the end of the day the heartless ones WERE right – if they had just gotten out of there at the first sign of trouble instead of doing the “right thing”, they would have all lived! In that sense, Jessica Biel is fascinatingly the Reverse Ripley in Alien – where Ripley’s cold-hearted “we have to follow the quarantine and leave Kane to die, sorry” attitude is meant to initially put her off to audiences but ultimately ends up being the right and smart decision, Biel’s “I can’t believe you guys are just gonna leave this dead body! I’m going to keep searching for this shady-as-hell Sheriff and take the keys to the van with me!” decision is meant to endear her to us and seems morally superior, but of course gets everyone killed. It’s a small layer of complexity that doesn’t add much but is greatly appreciated.

  7. I was definitely coming at it as a Chain Saw fundamentalist. Maybe I will consider watching it again now that I’m old and gentle.

  8. Guys, Tobe Hooper died today :(

  9. The Massacre, the other 24 hr Chicago horror movie marathon, is showing Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 this year.

    FYI, Chicago has two 24 Hour movie marathons. There used to be only one at the Music Box but there was a falling out. I like that they end up being varied enough where they feel like two different shows. The Massacre only shows digitially projected movies while the Music Box can show 35mm prints, which I prefer. They once showed one of the worst prints of Poltergeist I’ve ever seen but it was awesome.

  10. Well, I finally watched this. It is a good-looking movie that is just dumb as dogshit. The script might as well have been written by a 12-year-old who’d never seen the original TCM to begin with. My favorite part is Jessica Biel murdering the shit out of R. Lee Ermey. That was some primal, earned business. My “favorite” part is Leatherface activating the slaughterhouse’s sprinkler system at the end for the sole purpose of giving us some more Biel in a wet tank top. It’s so nakedly blatant and obvious, it made me giggle.

    Also, Leatherface only kills two people in this movie and while that’s not what I necessarily expect from a TCM, I DID kinda expect more from a remake.

    Anyway, just wanted to share my thoughts and maybe shed some light on one of my favorite old-school Vern reviews.

    Props on getting Larroquette back, tho. I guess.

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