Archive for the ‘AICN’ Category
Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
All my favorite muthas are hanging out tonight. Quint and Beaks and Vern, our man in Seattle, all 7 foot 5 inches of bad-assedness of him. He’s here tonight with a look at a film that I am hearing basically nothing good about so far. I hope all the buzz is wrong. I hope Jonathan Demme has made a great, breezy entertainment that manages to have fun with the classic CHARADE. I hope because I like Demme. I hope because the alternative is tears.
Fellas –
It’s me Vern again. Last week I sent you a review of the unneccessary remake of THE RING, which if I remember right, I believe I liked that one. This week I got another review of an uneccessary remake. This one wasn’t quite so hot.
The movie is THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE and if you know your shit, you know it’s a remake of Stan Donen’s CHARADE, an undeniably great movie starring Carey Grant and Audrey Hepburn. I mean you can’t beat that. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Jonathan Demme, Mark Wahlberg, Thandie Newton, Tim Robbins
Posted in AICN, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | No Comments »
Friday, October 4th, 2002
Hey folks, Harry here… Vern wants Daddy (me) to start talking with Mommy (Moriarty), but he’s has got to stop telling me he has a headache and turning that oh so soft shoulder to chilly ice. Daddy needs some loving, and Mommy has been oh so cruel. Sadness, for sure. Anyways… Here’s another look at the Dreamworks RING remake from a bloke that is very very familiar with the originals! Here ya go…
Boys –
First of all, you gotta start talking to each other again. I don’t like it when mommy and daddy fight.
Second of all, I know you already have an assload of THE RING (american remake) reviews. But I think you need to use mine also, as a sign of gratitude toward me, the man who first told you about the japanese RINGU series and the impending remake back in July of 2000. So look at this as the highly anticipated sequel to the article “Vern Steals A Look At THE RING Part I and II!!” CLICK HERE
Of course, I got one thing wrong back then. I said it was New Line Cinema doing the remake, turned out to be Dreamworks. I think the rights might’ve been passed around though, I remember Moriarty told me at the time that he talked to somebody at New Line and they swore they were gonna re-release it and not remake it. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: American remake, Gore Verbinski, Naomi Watts, remakes
Posted in AICN, Horror, Mystery, Reviews, Thriller | 9 Comments »
Monday, September 30th, 2002
Hey folks, Harry here with that damn Outlaw Vern chiming in on LOVE AND A BULLET, which is… I believe an inane Reese Witherspoon Romantic Comedy that will make you weep, laugh and cheer. Awwwww, it’s an Outlaw Vern sort of film, he gets touchy feely like that. And he’s dead right about the coming civil wars of Comic Traditionalists and Revisionists and the deaths upon the fields of dishonor! I tell ya, TWO TOWERS has nothing on it! hehehe
Boys –
Did you notice how Mel Gibson’s Jesus movie was really controversial in the talkbacks until you mentioned Superman? Man I don’t think I’ve ever seen the newsies so worked up. I think in about 20 years when this generation of “geeks” is in power we will see comic book fundamentalists controlling governments around the world the way religious fundamentalists do today. Trying to force their Superfriends morals on everybody else. Some nutty congressman from the Utility Belt will get them to hang up the X-Men letters page in schools and courthouses. It’ll be an interesting time. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Ben Ramsey, DTV, Treach
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Thriller | 1 Comment »
Monday, August 19th, 2002
Hey folks, Harry here… I’m not allowed to say anything further about Vern, under penalty and threat of death… Knowing the rumors I’ve read about what Vern can do and organize to be done, I have great fear for the man known as Vern. Beware of Vern. Be Afraid… He’ll hurt you with laughter sometimes… sometimes with sledgehammers… You’ll see…
Dearest Harry and Moriarty,
I thought for a second there I discovered a movie you didn’t know about. But after a thorough study of your “search engine” device I found out that some other individual reviewed COMIC BOOK VILLAINS once when it played at Cannes (a popular french film festival). I read over the review though and I disagreed with almost every point he made. I’m not saying it’s BLADE 2 or even CITIZEN KANE, but it is a surprisingly good small straight to video type picture and I have reason to believe that Harry and others would enjoy it when it comes out September 3rd on the video and dvd type mediums. By others I mainly mean Moriarty, I guess. But I will get to the movie after this next paragraph which is just rambling and bullshit, etc. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Cary Elwes, Donal Logue, DTV, James Robinson, Michael Rapaport
Posted in AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | No Comments »
Friday, August 2nd, 2002
Hey folks, Harry here… I finally met Vern when I went to Seattle recently. Just so you know, Vern is actually a Paul Bunyon looking muther. He’s literally like 6’11” 310lbs – solid as a granite dildo slammed home! He has most of his original teeth, and a few he’s knocked out of others’ heads that he keeps in a ju-ju medicine bag that hangs around his neck – “Nobody fucks with the Vern!” – He reminds me of a redneck John Sayles. Without further thumb twiddling, here’s Vern…
Dear Harry,
Usually I address my stories to you AND moriarty, but now that you’ve been to seattle, it’s like we have some kind of bond, you know. who needs that old “professor” joker anyway. all he does is drone on and on. “this is a great little piece of character acting” blah blah blah. Isn’t he still on 1986 in the best of the ’90s list? GET IT THE FUCK TOGETHER, moriarty. jesus. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Hayao Miyazaki
Posted in AICN, Cartoons and Shit, Family, Reviews | No Comments »
Monday, July 15th, 2002
Hey folks, Harry here… From what Vern says here, you’d be better off renting Seymore Butts’ WISE CRACKS or Seymore Butts’ TWO BUTTS ARE BETTER THAN ONE starring Seymore Butts’ Young Buns. Of course there are always foreign film options like CUM GUZZLING GEISHA GIRLS or THE TWIN PEAKS OF MOUNT FUJI, but that’s entirely up to you. Then there is Rav’s favorite all time title of SHEMALE YUM TAKES ON ASIAN AMERICAN LADYBOYS or Quint’s fave – PRINCESS ON THE PORCELAIN. But there is always Moriarty and mine’s favorite that we love to watch on those lonely nights: BRIDGET THE MIDGET: TATTOO MENU & A PIERCING EXPERIENCE. Join us if you will, or be like Vern….
Well boys there’s nothin like a mediocre straight to video sequel to start off your day. I didn’t even know they were makin a sequel to this one until I got ahold of the screener tape. I guess alot of people would ask “Who the fuck cares about VAMPIRES?” and laugh it off. It’s always weird when out of the blue they got a sequel to some movie you never knew anybody really thought about anymore, like URBAN LEGEND or MIMIC or MEN IN BLACK.
But I like most of Mr. Carpenter’s works and I think VAMPIRES is one of the good ones. James Woods is great throwin on the leather jacket to put his skinny old man frame in the Kurt Russell/Roddy Piper role. I guess he made up alot of his lines and maybe that’s why they work (Roddy Piper did the same in THEY LIVE. I bet poor Ice Cube stuck to the script in JOHN CARPENTER’S DISAPPOINTING GHOSTS OF MARS. I still can’t believe his name was “Desolation Williams.”)
Nothing about VAMPIRES seemed real radical but it had a feel of its own. How many vampire movies take place mostly in daylight in sunny, dusty Mexico, with that famous John Carpenter “it’s really a western” tone? And it just had a raunchiness that was much needed at the time, with the most macho dialogue of any John Carpenter movie, all the main characters being sadistic assholes, and lots of the ol’ latex-and-blood-packs gore effects. I don’t remember any god damn morphing in that picture. The master vampire tore Mark Boone Junior in half, and it was organic. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: DTV, DTV sequels, vampires
Posted in Action, AICN, Horror, Reviews | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
I’m giddy. I get to publish reviews by Outlaw Vern and Clarence Beaks, two of my favorite AICN contributors, in the same day. Vern’s in Seattle, checking out the scene at the Seattle International Film Festival, and has the following report to file:
Dear Harry and Moriarty,
Vern here. I saw two more movies at SIFF and here is what they are.
MISSING PERSONS
First of all I saw MISSING PERSONS which is a low budget computer animated feature done by two twin brothers named Matt and Dan O’Donnell. At least I think there are two of them, they are twins. And no these are not the creepy american twin animators who speak with british accents, you’re thinking of the Quay brothers. This is a completely different set of twin animators, as far as I can tell.
The credits only list these two guys, and then the songs, so apparently they did the entire thing themselves (all the animation, all the voices, even apparently designed the software, etc.) so it’s pretty impressive. On the other hand, for this reason it is not always up to the technical standards expected by most grown adults who watch cartoons. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Seattle International Film Festival, Seijun Suzuki
Posted in Action, AICN, Cartoons and Shit, Reviews, SIFF | 2 Comments »
Monday, June 3rd, 2002
SPOILER ALERT !!
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
Vern is one of my very favorite Internet writers about anything, much less movies. A reformed outlaw who channelled his energy into writing about films after his last stint inside, he’s been a constant presence on the web for the last few years, and he’s got a voice all his own. Here he is with a look at the new documentary from the always controversial Nick Broomfield:
Dearest Harry and Moriarty,
It has been a while since I’ve had my works printed on your page there (ain’t it cool news) but this time I got somethin that I think will move your heart. I know how much Tupac and Biggie Smalls mean to you young people today so I’m sure both of you are very anxious to see BIGGIE AND TUPAC, the new documentary about them from Nick Broomfield (who directed the Heidi Fleiss picture and maybe more in this vein, KURT AND COURTNEY). Because Tupac means to a young man like Harry or Moriarty the same thing Bob Dylan or Johnny Cash meant to their dads, only with more tattoos and brighter colored suits. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: hip hop, Nick Broomfield, Tupac Shakur
Posted in AICN, Documentary, Reviews, SIFF | 23 Comments »
Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
Harry here with that drunken hillbilly bastard named Vern. Now this Vern fella went and got himself one of those new fangled rubbery editions of EVIL DEAD. Now ordinarily I would be all against rubbery editions, but this is a rubbery edition that looks like the Book of the Dead… and cooler still, I’m apparently contained inside the Book Of The Dead as is the beer room of the Alamo Drafthouse, beneath the projector room…. whilst showing EVIL DEAD 2! That’s a mighty freaking cool feature to contain in a special rubbery edition. Anyway, I just ordered mine Click here to order your The Evil Dead (Book Of The Dead Limited Rubbery Edition)!!!!
Dear Harry and Moriarty,
Have you ever had a dvd that smelled kinda like rubbers? I have and it was called EVIL DEAD: BOOK OF THE DEAD EDITION from Anchor Bay. What this is is a new fancy ass, show off type version of the old Elite edition of THE EVIL DEAD. It comes in a mooshy rubber Necronomicon package sculpted by Tom Sullivan, who also made the book you see in the movie. You flip it open and it has pages from the Necronomicon (also drawn by Mr. Sullivan) and of course the dvd inside a nice little padded sleeve. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Bruce Campbell, Sam Raimi
Posted in AICN, Horror, Reviews | 3 Comments »
Friday, November 2nd, 2001
Hey folks, Harry here with the latest from that insane man… VERN. Vern comes from another planet…. or so I’ve heard. They apparently herd sheep into trailers there. He’s using this grazing ability to sum up the cornstalkability of this latest film from the Coens…. Here ya go…
THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE
by Vern
Monday I saw the new movie by the Coen Brothers.
First I gotta say, I am not exactly familiar with these brothers. The hughes brothers I know. The wachowski brothers. The Maysles brothers. The doobie brothers I know a thing or two about. For example, they have two drummers don’t they? I don’t know. The point is, you know more about the coen brothers than I do. Are they twins? I don’t know. Maybe they aren’t really brothers, it is only a stage name like the blues brothers, the smothers brothers or the isley brothers. The point is, I wouldn’t know. Because I know jack shit about them, if jack shit was two things. (read the rest of this shit…)
Tags: Billy Bob Thornton, Coen Brothers, Frances McDormand, James Gandolfini
Posted in AICN, Crime, Drama, Reviews | No Comments »
