THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN is a 2023 horror comedy that I watched because it was one of the very few Christmas movies on Shudder that I hadn’t seen yet. It’s pretty middle-of-the-road, but definitely watchable, kept me entertained, gave me a few laughs.

Martin Starr (XTRO 3: WATCH THE SKIES) stars as Bill Nordheim, an enthusiastic American dork who moves his family to Gudbrandsdalen, Norway when he inherits a house from his uncle. One thing he doesn’t mention to the family is that the uncle died mysteriously while trying to burn down the barn. And one thing he doesn’t know himself is that the uncle was trying to burn down the barn to exterminate a dangerous barn elf (Kiran Shah, LEGEND).

Outside of this elf business they have normal (honestly formulaic) family issues going on. Bill is trying way too hard to spin this move as an amazing adventure when the rest of the family clearly didn’t want to do it. Also he’s pretty unequipped for living here (he tries to pet a moose and almost gets it). His wife Carol (Amrita Acharia, Game of Thrones) puts on a happy, supportive face but is clearly not entirely on board with this choice. She’s also preoccupied with trying to be accepted by her stepchildren, which is not really happening.

Oldest daughter Nora (Zoe Winther-Hansen, THE BITCOIN CAR) does the angsty teen thing of immediately complaining that it’s a dump and she hates everything (even though the house is huge and nice). So the youngest, Lucas (Townes Bunner), is kind of left on his own to explore the property and the town. He’s the one that starts noticing weird things about the barn and then learns from a museum guide in town about the legend of barn elves. He says they’re very conservative, they don’t like changes. Also artificial light or loud noises.

So it might be a problem that Dad covers the place in Christmas lights, plans to convert the barn into a bed and breakfast, and decides to throw a Christmas party in it. Before that Lucas actually comes face to face with the elf – he kind of looks like a grimacing David the Gnome – and tries to talk to him like he’s a regular guy, or at least E.T. They seem to maybe sort of make kind of a connection, but the elf is much grumpier and more territorial than E.T., it seems iffy.

You get the part where nobody believes the kid about the elf. During the party he turns the music off and explains that everybody has to leave because they’re pissing off the elf. This is true – Nora snuck too much wine and puked through the floorboards onto the elf. Before long they have all been attacked by the elf so the family is on the same page but they’re unable to get the locals to believe them. This I wasn’t expecting, but this is a Norwegian production after all. It would have to be an American production to pretend Norwegians believe in elves.

I have to admit there was a point where I thought it was almost over and was surprised to realize there was a whole bunch left. But there were enough fun bits to win me over. There’s an escalation (ESCALATION SPOILER) where a whole bunch of mean elves show up to join in the battle. I’m not saying it’s as good, but there’s some of that GREMLINS/MARS ATTACKS! joy of seeing these little bastards cause chaos. Most of the family learns there really is an elf when he jumps on the hood of their car and smashes the windshield with a sledge. Also he steals a snowmobile. There’s an FX-driven sled chase scene, some fun gimmicks about using different types of artificial light to freeze the elves, and I was kind of impressed how mean the humor gets at times. I didn’t expect that the funny police officer (Henriette Steenstrup, Lilyhammer), who is generally more reasonable than and overly patient with the family, would (SPOILER) abruptly get chopped up by the engine of her snowmobile. Or that the elves would find guns and start using them (but not very well).

Somehow Starr and Acharia have a history in Norwegian horror comedies – they already starred together in Tommy Wirkola’s DEAD SNOW 2: RED VS. DEAD (2014.) THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN is directed by Magnus Martens (a veteran of TV shows including Banshee, Longmire and Fear the Walking Dead), written by Aleksander Kirkwood Brown, Josh Epstein and Kyle Ryder. There are a hundred Christmas movies I would recommend before this, but if you’re like me and looking for new ones this might amuse you.

A CHRISTMAS TALE (2005) is another one I found on Shudder, turns out it’s a Spanish made-for-TV movie, part of the “Films to Keep You Awake” series that I only knew about because one is directed by Alex de la Iglesia. This one is by Paco Plaza before he co-directed the [REC] movies with Jaume Balaguero. It doesn’t feel much like TV to me. I could see it maybe working better in an hour long anthology series, but it’s okay at 75 minutes. It has a little bit of gore in it but mostly it’s the idea of it that’s disturbing.

It’s interesting that it’s currently 20 years old, because it’s set in 1985, so it was about nostalgia from 20 years earlier. It’s about a group of kids who will definitely be enjoying THE GOONIES in a year, because they’re a bunch of boys and one girl who ride around on bikes, communicate on walkie-talkies, don’t seem to see their parents much, sometimes build contraptions using pullies and such, and get into trouble together. One of them wears a Daniel LaRusso headband, has a KARATE KID poster above his bed, watches THE KARATE KID on VHS, practices his crane kick and waxes his dad’s car over and over again. In various bedrooms we see other ‘80s childhood ephemera like an Ewok action figure, a Ghostbusters thing and the Simon game (plus some Spanish ones I wouldn’t know).

Another kid is obsessed with a fictional ’70s horror movie called ZOMBIE INVASION. We see the end of it at the beginning, as if this movie started airing after it. Pretty well done retro style. The kids take it a little too seriously, though. They later decide a person is a zombie and that they have to use the rules from the movie to kill it.

I suppose you could say there’s a faint trace of STAND BY ME do-you-want-to-see-a-dead-body in this too. The boys’ friend Monica walkie-talkies because she found Santa Claus dead in a hole in the woods. Well, that’s what she thinks at first, but it’s a woman in a Santa costume (Maru Valdivielso, SISTER DEATH) and she comes back to consciousness. She broke her leg in the fall and can’t climb out without their help. Some of the boys ride to the police station but the cops ignore them long enough for them to recognize her picture as the suspect in an armed robbery and then leave. She supposedly got $2 million, so the kids decide not to tell anyone so they can try to get the money from her.

While STAND BY ME illustrated kids’ morbidity and curiosity about mortality that we don’t always talk about, this is more about sadism. These little boys have a woman trapped in a hole, they cover it with sticks and leaves and call her their “secret pet.” It’s winter break so they have several days to do this. At first they bring her food, but then they decide to starve her until she tells them where the money is. If this sounds fucked up that’s because it is, but what I find interesting is that these seem just like kids in IT or Stranger Things or whatever. They think it’s okay since she’s a criminal. They definitely don’t realize they’re being little sickos. I think it’s a pretty good subversion of the usual ‘80s nostalgia because it starts out “Remember! We loved TV! We rode bikes!” and then slides right into “what if you you trapped a lady in a hole?”

Monica does have a conscience and tries to sneak food to the robber, but some of the boys intercept her and eat it in front of her, pretending to think she brought it for them, taunting her like experienced bullies.

Valdivielso is well cast – she looks kinda weird, scary to a kid, but also really communicates a relatable “jesus christ why do I have to deal with this shit?” exasperation. She does eventually get out and turn into a horror character, chasing after them. I don’t feel too bad about that. It’s her money, sort of.

There’s an amazing climax that I’m gonna go ahead and spoil for you. The kids hang out at one of those theme-park-ish places that have really tall slides. It’s either out of business or closed for the season. The Santa is searching for them and she’s on top of the tallest slide, and Tito rises up behind her in the crane stance, does the kick, sends her backwards down the slide and it shoots her off right into a pole with rebar on it and impales her right through an eye. (Which is how the zombies are killed in that movie.) It is so fucked up but the kid shakily raises his little fist in victory and it freeze frames. For me at least it plays as ironic, not like we should actually celebrate.

A CHRISTMAS TALE is set across multiple days with a countdown to Christmas, and it has the Santa Claus costume. It’s pretty low on the traditional Christmas atmosphere, but in that sense a little more true to the Christmases most of us experience. I would categorize this similar to THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN – not great, but kinda good, so worth mentioning if you’re searching for fresh holiday programming. Between the two this is creepier and more original, while the other one is more Christmas-y and more traditionally entertaining.

That’s it for me for now, I hope you all at the very least have a not-all-that-depressing Christmas or other. I’m so thankful for everyone who ever bothers to read my stuff and I look forward to sharing more movies and life with you all in the new year and beyond. To quote the famous movie Die Hard ho ho ho motherfucker every last one of you or whatever.