"I take orders from the Octoboss."


I got some important new reviews in the works, but for now all I have to offer is this video I found using the internet here.



This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 at 2:10 am and is filed under Blog Post (short for weblog). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

56 Responses to “Filler”

  1. “until you say you do, no fronthole for you”
    “I’m a ruff rider filled with christian love”


  2. Wow. Not really sure where to start with this one. It might seem like a minor thing given all the obvious weirdness going on in this video, but anybody notice the two black guys they’ve got standing in the background like fucking props? Did they answer a Craigslist Ad or something? “Background negroes needed to supply street cred to anti-hug white Christian rappers. Payment deferred.”

    Nice find, Vern.

  3. The thing that I’m stuck on is the gunshots and sirens at the beginning. I mean, first of all because I can’t figure out why this song demands gunshots and sirens. But more importantly it’s just amazing how things change over the years. When white kids started listening to NWA in the late ’80s their parents were terrified. It was considered a genuine threat. There were magazine cover stories about it “do you know what your kids listening to?” They literally got contacted by the FBI because of their lyrics. But give it some years and some of those things they were doing have traveled so far through the culture that there’s white kids hopping around on a stage at some Christian youth conference or something, using gangster rap cliches to discourage hugging.

    I’m also wondering how he knows how Jesus did or didn’t hug. The Bible isn’t really that detailed on things like that. And the line about Angelina Jolie – what does that mean? He’s buying babies? I’m not sure if he’s clear on how these analogies work.

    Man, if Eazy E could see this.

  4. what

  5. Isn’t a Christian Side Hug what James Spader gave to Rosanna Arquette in CRASH?

  6. Is that a synth version of Darth Vader’s march in the background?!

  7. I was mesmerised by the girls’ inabilty to dance…sinners got the moves!

  8. For some reason, that reminded me of this mindboggling YouTube video of an old Christian Ska band.


    Good Lord… we used to be able to create cultural art capable of inspiring people (Christian or not) for centuries or even millennia. Now we do this. Sigh.

  9. gimme dat Christian thigh bug? dat Christian sigh mug?

    you know what’s ironic is thousands of years ago Christians used to greet each other with a kiss on the lips http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_kiss how far we’ve come when a simple hug is now considered immoral

  10. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure he’s saying “no front-HUG for you”. Not “fronthole”.

    But that would have been even better. {g!}

  11. Well, this pretty much just made my life. Thanks Vern!

  12. On further research, I have to add that this may in fact be a parody. (The group who posted it to YouTube has posted parodies, too.)

    Please God, let it be a parody. Please God, let it be a parody…

  13. But the question still remains……….WHAT IS A SIDE HUG??

    I will not be able to sleep until someone explains that Angelina Jolie line.

  14. Vern: I remember the magazine articles that you refer to in your post. I think it was Time Magazine that had this ridiculous article that equated hip hop music with a brutal home invasion. It was the same tactic that was used in the 1950s to alert white families to the “dangers” of “race music,” just substitute Public Enemy for Chuck Berry.

    This latest stuff is like the later Pat Boone phase: kids are going to listen to it no matter what you do, so you might as well infiltrate the idiom and dilute it with whiteness.

  15. What’s a Grisham sidewalk?

  16. There’s an Anti-Hug conspiracy in America? Man , I don’t understand this in any way . The christians are against hugs ? It has something to do with all that “free hugs” businness ? The only thing I can say is that this isn’t new , in a catholic conference here in Italy they’ve done the same thing , but with techno music . I wish I was able to find the video for that…..

  17. I think the point (if the video isn’t a parody, which I’m not convinced about yet… I declare that sentence to have grammatic logic of some kind, I think… {g}) is that there is some subculture where kids exploit front-hugging specifically in order to erotically arouse each other; and this subculture listens to hip-hop rap; so someone thought the kids of this culture would be more likely to listen to and accept marketing against that kind of behavior if it was presented in a hip-hop format, yo!

    Which still boggles the mind: not that there could be a subculture of kids who have gotten into the habit of front-hugging each other to cop feels, and not that those kids might be very much into hip-hop rap; but that anyone could be so culture-deaf as to think that hip-hop _this_ inept would impress _those_ kids in the least, instead of inspiring mockery (at best).

  18. Pheteesh:


    (Or maybe free kids from Africa, delivered in person by Angelina Jolie, with every conversion. For side-hugging.)

  19. this video was a real treat. but sabreman brings up a good point, which makes me wonder: would you rather live in a world where this was a parody or one where it wasn’t? in the former, you would avoid living in a world where this kind of awful culture exists, but in the latter you get exponentially more entertainment value. i think i go for the latter.

    i actually think it’s real, but if you put it in a movie it would seem way too over the top (like the group in “donnie darko”).

    there’s so many baffling parts to the song. i love all the “urban” lingo they jam in there, sometimes with seemingly no idea what they actually mean. i, too, wonder about the angelina jolie line. did they say they were buying up babies? also, can someone explain what they were saying about the democratic shift in the whitehouse? i couldn’t hear it properly; was wondering if it was a dig or not.

  20. Virgin Gary: I thought the same thing when I saw Kirk Cameron handing out those versions of “On The Origin of Species” with the new homophobic and antisemetic introduction. Would I rather live in a world where Kirk Cameron doesn’t do this, or live in a world where he does it and gets smacked down by everyone from TMZ to Salon.com.

    Which brings up an interesting idea. One day, SEAGOLOGY will enter into the Public Domain. Which means that it will be very easy to print up a copy of the text with all kinds of nonsense in your preface or introduction.

    I hope that the world of the future is kinder to SEAGOLOGY than our world is to Darwin.

  21. Jareth Cutestory : I look forward to the day when I can download a public domain version of SEAGOLOGY with an introduction by Sly himself that reads :

    “Caution : This book will grow you another set of testicles , with spikes , on your chin.”

    Sincerely yours , Rambo.

  22. For the naysayers:

    This appaears to be the real deal, it happened at an event called the Encouter Generation Conference. Here is the 2010 conferences website:


  23. CallMeKermiT: In a better future world, the Cult of Oleg would leave copies of SEAGOLOGY in hotel rooms around the world. And there’d be guys at airports dressed like Jules and Vincent handing out pamphlet versions of FIVE ON THE OUTSIDE.

    Shortly thereafter the world would declare its own ass officially kicked.

  24. It’s funny, so why do I have a lump in my throat?

    I was the unwilling attendee at many an event this ridiculous. To think this descended
    from somebody who told people they didn’t have to make up a bunch of rules to
    define how to please God is sad. In 2009, somehow that means don’t touch boobies.

  25. {{This appaears to be the real deal}}


    (Translation from Chinese from English: “DO NOT WANT!”)

  26. Jek – So Jesus was kind of like Bruce Lee in a way, throwing out ceremonial movements in favor of a direct, uncluttered style. I like it. Christians should play that angle up more.

  27. Hark,

    Well, it’s a little more complex than that. Jesus attends all the Festivals (some more than once) during the ministry in GosJohn, and the _symbology_ of the Festivals are important in the background (though we Gentiles wouldn’t necessarily get it). But He’s also clearly more interested (whether in GosJohn or in the Synoptics) in worship in spirit and in truth, as being worth more than any formalism. It isn’t that the formalism is bad in itself; it’s just that it can get in the way and be distracting from the real point.

    Jesus puts it quite succinctly in GosMatt. His opponents among the Pharisees had been meticulously tithing of even their dinner spices, rather than focusing on “the weightier matters of the Law”: justice and mercy and trustworthiness. “But _those_ are the things that you _should_ have been doing, _without_ neglecting the other!” It’s easy to overlook that Jesus gives them credit on what looks to us like silly formalism–and expects the listening crowd to attend to the Pharisees and obey them, too. This is smack in the middle of Jesus smoking their heads verbally with the Greater Condemnations, mind you.

    So there’s room for ceremonial movements, for those who can do it. But _anyone_ can be focusing on justice and mercy and trustworthiness. (As the sheep, who are surprised to discover Jesus is the ultimate judge, gladly discover in the GosMatt parable of the Sheep and the Goats. The goats, who expect Jesus to be the Lord, have a rather different surprise on the way; because of what they _weren’t_ focusing on.)

  28. So Sabreman, I guess what you’re saying is that there is only one thing I can do: to ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

  29. I gotta admit I’m a fan of the side hug. It’s great for photographs which covers much of my hugging opportunities.

  30. We can’t have drugs OR hugs now? Holding hands is a gateway gesture! Eye contact is a slippery slope!

    Are there christian gang signs yet? Is it just that finger-cross thing that wards off vampires?

  31. Sabreman – Got it. Jesus is exactly like Bruce Lee. Thanks for the clarification!

  32. I can’t watch the video for technical reasons but it sounds horrifying. If you took away hugging I would have barely gotten any boob in high school at all.

  33. I called up the company; the video WAS in fact a parody based on what became on ongoing joke during the conference.

  34. Funny, funny video.

    It is a little known biblical fact that the 11th commandment was:


    They knew of the coming of President Obama in biblical times.

  35. BRUCE LEE!

  36. Vern – Oh yeah I remember that whole NWA “Controversy” as a kid. How the FBI bigwig wrote the band a letter “warning” them because how dare they diss the local cops in “Fuck da Police.”

    Yet in spite of basically a radio blackout and all this massive media “heat”, nevermind NWA not able to tour STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON as much as they could because many local cops refused to help in security….

    The album still went double platinum, became a mother fuckin’ classic that brough the genre to the west coast and invented a sub-genre. Oh and just a few years after STRAIGHT, well turned out NWA was actually sorta right about their complaints about their local sheriff.

    In short, never let old white people tell you what to listen.

    Reminds me, remember they in the 70s also said listening to KISS and those other heavy metal acts will get you a trip to hell?

  37. You guys will be waiting a while for SEAGALOGY to enter the public domain. If I’m not mistaken it’s 90 years after publication (assuming “Vern” is a psudeonym).

    That will make 2099 all the sweeter!

  38. Hunter D. wha- ?? i couldn’t fully understand what you wrote. please tell me you are lying. i’ve realized i absolutely want this video to be real.

    but godammit i have had this song stuck in my head since yesterday.

  39. M. Casey – “Vern” is a composite of two different people: a black chimney sweeper political activist, and a white rap nerd. The white one went to jail. Both met after the white one got paroled, found out their mutual admirations for hip hop, movies, and their mancrushes on Clint and Willis.

    And I’m a gerbil stuck in Richard Gere.

  40. Jareth – From my extensive wikipedia research, I understand that Jesus was an architect, previous to his career as a prophet.

    The funniest thing to me on first watching this was my OWN immense Caucasianness; until that brief glimpse of the monitor at 3:46, I honestly thought the chorus was “I’m a rough rider, filled up with Chrysler.” I was all, “but, but…aren’t they bankrupt?”

    The immense weakness of the third MC makes me suspect this is real. But the deft Jolie-slinging of the second MC (I see a lucrative series of Chali 2na-like guest spots in his youth group entertainment future!) makes me suspect it’s all fake again. Either way, oh, the pain. Book these guys for the next GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS and see how long they last.

    Even if it’s meant as a parody, I feel a bit like Seymour and Enid watching “Blues Hammer” slaughter their idea of the blues in GHOST WORLD. As Louis Armstrong once said, “there are some people that if they don’t know, you can’t tell ’em.”

  41. I wonder how much they paid for the rights (if they even bothered) … using Star Wars music isn’t cheap I hear.

  42. ¿Pero qué cojones es ésto? (Spanish for “What The Fuck Is This Shit”)

  43. They even got the Darth Vader theme wrong. If it’s in G minor, the 6th note on the 2nd phrase should be an F# / G flat, not a G. Losers.

    Seems real to me in that hopelessly out of touch Christian rock kind of way. If it was a parody it was rather well-attended and there is no laughter from the audience. Where do you perform this kind of parody without the audience either laughing and catcalling the entire time, booing you off the stage, or screaming obscenities and throwing stuff?

  44. MattmanBegins: One day someone is going to use “Jesus Built My Hotrod” in a kick ass opening title sequence. It’s inevitable.

  45. Man, I’ve spent way too much time reading about this trying to understand if it could possibly be serious. The most definitive thing I found was a comment from someone claiming to have been there at the conference and saying that it was a joke about how strict their rules can be. So I will take her word for it that they’re not entirely serious about hugging being a sin. But I don’t know man, they’re just so perfect at being so bad, and they seem so serious. I have a hard time believing they weren’t actually trying to rap.

    And none of this brings us closer to understanding why the guy is buying babies.

  46. My best theory on the “baby buying” angle is that babies are the right-wing christian equivalent of bling. Jon and Kate are probably considered to be quite ballin’ in the circles they move in. It follows logically that christian rappers should brag about how many babies they can afford. I guess.

  47. Hark,

    Yes. Or, vice versa. {g}


    THANK GOD!!! Funnier if real; but still funny as parody, and I don’t like thinking poorly of people if I can help it.

  48. Here is the response I got after posting this to my Facebook profile:

    Hello! So your video got me in a lot of trouble this evening……
    First off, I have to say that I was totally fascinated by it. Is that for real???? Surely not, right? So, I go to dinner with my really good friend tonight who is Jewish and some of his in-laws who I had never met before. At the end of dinner my friend Aaron goes to give me a hug with his in-laws standing around and I say, “Oh, you can give me the Christian side-hug.” And then I proceeded to explain the video, kind of laughing about it. At which point one of the in-laws breaks in and starts asking questions about the video and is obviously rather put out. He goes on to explain to me how he is a Christian and the Christian side-hug is a real thing and it is taught to young men to help them avoid temptation…at this point I am totally trying to back pedal with little luck and am feeling like a complete heathen-complete with a live in boyfriend. His wife then steps in and continues to say how the Christian side hug was taught at the youth group they led and that it is a shame that people distort parts of Christianity without really understanding their origin. What could I say??! All this for joking with my Jewish friend about getting a Christian side-hug……..and I even went to FURMAN for goodness sakes–that has to get me some Christian props at least.
    Anyway, thought you’d find my evening of embarrassment amusing since you are, really, the source….. :)

  49. on repeat viewings, i believe i can actually hear a fair amount of laughter from the audience, which gives great credence to the parody theory. so i am starting to believe tha this was indeed from some christian youth conference where the attendees were getting frustrated/amused by some of the more extreme rules imposed on them, and some of them took it upon themselves to create this parody performance, much to the delight of the crowd. i’m kind of bummed about it. however, i will say that the kids who made it are talented and have potential as future comedians. sigh.

    but the post above me cheers me up a bit, when i learn that the christian side hug is in fact a real thing and some people apparently take it very seriously.

  50. Regarding the “buying babies line”, he’s just trying to show that he’s “coming up”, that he has the money/popularity/swagger to do whatever he wants. Since its inception, plenty of rap tracks do that-some as a divergence in the middle, and some dedicate the whole song to that type of crowing. I think it’s funny that that line gets the big audience response, probably cos it’s the only part that packs any punch.

    Also, wouldn’t the kids be selling their love for Jesus out if they spoke about it in the same song that they were using to mock the side-hug rule? Doesn’t seem like they should be doing that. I think we should leave the door open for the potential that someone involved is embarrassed and backpedaling wildly, trying to pass the whole thing off as a joke. As Mattman pointed out, the third rapper (mc asthmatic) is taking it very seriously. Besides, white suburban Christian kids have no idea where to plug their beliefs in to the teenage world around them, they’re often completely confused and overwhelmed. The parody explanation would probably vary depending on who involved you asked.

    Will someone please figure out definitively what they’re saying after “Democratic shift in the Congress?” “Re-vote” has been my best guess, but I would like to know for sure, if that’s possible.

    Also kind of shocking, and in bad taste either way, is the “you ain’t no rabbi/you ain’t no priest/so rise up off me like (etc)” line, implying that priests are still cleared for front hugging. Maybe time to implement the high-five rule for that bunch, yeah? I’ll bet there are plenty of altar boys who would’ve settled for that sinful front hug when the sun went down.

  51. I thought they were saying “Repub” – I guess affirming their support for the other party, despite Democratic gains.

  52. Check out this blog post. Read the comments afterward – it is worth it. Especially #57 and below. Ha ha ha.


  53. Since viewing this video I have shamelessly been giving all my female acquaintances full-frontal hugs.


  54. JTraveller76 – That was amazing – thanks. Vern, I know you love Jesus, but presumably some of this stuff makes your blood boil. The things these churches choose to promote via the Christ story are kind of mind-boggling. It’s almost like they are purposely trying to give them psychological problems in later life.

  55. {{on repeat viewings, i believe i can actually hear a fair amount of laughter from the audience, which gives great credence to the parody theory.}}

    I had an opportunity to hear it on a crappier sound system over the weekend, which paradoxically meant I had to turn up the volume and listen more closely–and yep, I definitely heard the same thing: amused laughing, not mocking laughing. Strong credence to the parody theory (aside from the whole ‘I contacted them and they confirmed that it was a parody’ report, I mean. {g})

    Also, now that I’ve heard the Angelina Jolie remark better, I think the point/joke is supposed to be that the rappers so totally reject sex that they’ve decided to adopt a huge number of kids instead. (Though as one or two earlier commenters pointed out, this still works as a parody of rap-bling boasting, too.)

    Franco: {rofl!}

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