Vern Versus HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2!!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

What a pleasure. Reviews this morning from Elaine in Rotterdam, Cbabbitt in LA, and of course, the one and only Vern. Good reading all the way around, but I don’t think anyone turns a phrase the way our buddy Vern does, and certainly no one else stepped up to battle such a potentially deadly foe as HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2. I’m impressed at Vern’s moxie. Let’s see how well he held up:

Hey boys,

I know you guys follow Dr. Uwe Boll around all the time so you’re interested in all his movies and their mysterious sequels. I know alot of people like to talk shit, but I will say this for Dr. Boll. The medical profession is a noble one. If he healed somebody some time in the past that is to be commended. If he is one of those pervy doctors that drugs ladies and feels them up or something like that, I’m against that. And if he makes bad movies like everybody says, I’m not gonna defend that either. George Miller M.D. heals people, that didn’t stop him from making MAD fucking MAX. So it’s been established that you can be a doctor and still direct great movies. Anyway that’s not important because this is not by Dr. Boll, but it’s a sequel to his movie HOUSE OF THE DEAD, I guess. I never saw any of his movies or played video games so I am uniquely unqualified for this review.

House of the Dead 2Maybe it’s better than the first one but who gives a shit. Basically what this is is another shitty movie that you will flip past on the Sci-Fi Channel. For something like that it’s surprisingly watchable if you’re being charitable. But if you remember it two days later you must’ve had a boring two days. Of course I said the same thing about WEDDING CRASHERS and people still love that movie so far so maybe this will be a runaway hit.

The movie starts out like a moronic 1980s fraternity comedy, with a bunch of annoying non-actors running around with squirt guns stealing panties. This is a way to get some tits into the movie before the plot begins. Now in case there’s anybody out there who is too young to know, the 1980s were a dark time for American culture. I don’t care if you’re nostalgic for the days of Webster and Rubik’s cube and Deaf Leopard or whatever stupid shit you remember liking when you were a kid. That’s no excuse. There is no reason to bring back the 1980s. I don’t care if have fond memories of jerking off to fraternity movies when you were a kid. We as a society should move on and progress and learn from our mistakes. There are all kinds of better things for you to jerk off to in 2006. Like that movie PIRATES, I heard that was pretty good.

In a science lab on the same college campus, Sid Haig is a mad scientist who runs over one of the girls we just saw topless and injects her, thinking it’s going to bring her back to life. As you can see they put alot of thought and innovation into the method of zombie-making. An injection! Poor Sid Haig has to deliver some horrible dialogue that he can’t pull off, where he works in the phrase “Alone in the dark” which I think is a secret code word for Uwe Boll fans but I’m not sure what it means.

The girl of course turns into a naked zombie and kills Mr. Haig so that he can do one short zombie scene and be done with the movie. Good for him but it sucks for me since I only watched the movie because his name was on the box. You see, for all the movies Sid Haig has been in, there’s just not enough of him, and I always want more. I liked him as the demented pinhead in SPIDER BABY and what was he, a russian thug in COFFY? But aside from his great performances in THE HOUSE OF ONE THOUSAND CORPSES and THE DEVIL’S REJECTS he mostly has dinky little roles. You know how I know he’s the man? He’s in POINT BLANK. Seriously, check the scene where Lee Marvin first tries to sneak into the hotel. Sid Haig is one of the security guys in the lobby. And his role is only slightly bigger in HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2.

Then they introduce the two straight-to-video stars, some dude and some lady. Check IMDb for details. They don’t have alot of presence and don’t seem as tough or as smart as they are obviously supposed to be. They are agents for a zombie fighting government agency called AMS, maybe it is the American Medical Society, I don’t know. The movie immediately turns into amateur hour ALIENS, they go pick up the platoon of hyper-macho soldiers they’re gonna work with and there’s tension between the two groups. The male AMS complains that the soldiers will get them killed (in fact, only these two will survive and the entire platoon of soldiers will be killed. Spoiler.)

So then the rest of the movie is them going into the campus, shooting a bunch of zombies and trying to get a blood sample of a “first generation” zombie. But sometimes they call them “hypersapiens” instead of zombies, which shows that this is all scientifically plausible I guess. Also making up a dumb new name for zombies is about the only new thing they try to do with them. Everything else is old hat.

I shouldn’t be too hard on the movie because on the DTV scale this is actually not that low. There were a handful of mildly amusing jokes and gimmicks, which you can’t say for alot of shit involving giant octopi and snakes and crap. There’s a pretty good gross-out scene, copied from MIMIC I think, where the male lead pulls intestines out of a zombie’s stomach and rubs them all over himself so that the zombies will think he’s one of them. And the overly-macho-soldier-who-you-can’t-trust starts taking pictures of himself posing in wacky poses with the dead zombies, which is a surprisingly true to life touch in an otherwise phoney movie.

But I gotta say, I’m so sick of this kind of shit. Yes, we know zombies are cool. Yes, we know ALIENS was cool. But just having zombies and going through the motions isn’t enough, just like putting on a cape doesn’t make you Dracula. Dressing up your friends in camouflage and splattering blood on shit is something you should keep private. I don’t mind if you do it in the privacy of your own home, just don’t rub my face in it. This is yet another zombie movie without the substance, human drama or clever zombie gags of a Romero movie or the humor of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (though I think they’re trying for that with little references to 28 DAYS LATER and POLTERGEIST).The gore isn’t as well executed as a Fulci zombie movie. The action isn’t as slick as the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake. So what’s the point in going over this shit for the ten thousandth time if you can only do it okay? Ever heard of STRIVING FOR EXCELLENCE?

Forget about the zombie issue. I got a commandment for all future DTV filmatists. Don’t make a movie about military tough guys if you don’t know how to make your rookie cast seem like authentic military tough guys. This is a common mistake but this one takes bad macho dialogue to a new level. Let me give you two actual examples from the movie.

1. “Are you an asshole all the time, Bart? Or do you take Sundays off for good behavior?”

WHAT WAS THAT? This is not a charade. If you had left it at “do you take Sundays off?” you would’ve been fine. Not good, but passable. I wouldn’t have noticed. But then you start mixing two separate ideas there. Do you want to go with a “taking Sundays off” thing or do you want to go with “time off for good behavior”? You can’t combine the two, it doesn’t make any god damn sense. Come on man.

In the underrated S. Seagal picture FIRE DOWN BELOW there’s a scene where Seagal’s character is caught trespassing and he explains himself by saying, “Just out for a Sunday stroll. Guess it’s not Sunday.” See, that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s consistent. He sticks with the Sunday stroll idea and then he tweaks it. But he couldn’t say, “Just out for a Sunday stroll, but I guess there’s no church.” He stays on one thought.

Here’s a worse one:

2: “Fuck em. If it turns into a shit hit the fan situation they’ll be hiding behind our pantyhose just like all the rest of those fuckin science types.”

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? You’re trying to talk tough and you throw in this non sequitur where we have to picture you wearing pantyhose? How exactly are they gonna be hiding behind your pantyhose? I don’t even get this one man. I mean how hard would it be to communicate this same idea WITHOUT mentioning that you wear pantyhose?

Maybe horrible dialogue works in a Troma movie or a SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-A-RAMA type deal. But they abandon that goofball tone after the panty raid scene and they try to take it seriously. It even ends with an ominous mayhem-has-spread-across-the-city ending just like Fulci’s ZOMBIE.

Come to think of it, unconvincing tough talk is probaly the very worst thing to put in any movie. How many times do we have to watch some model turned actress try to sell a line about firing in “short, controlled bursts”? It’s just embarrassing for everybody involved, including us poor bastards that end up watching it. If unconvincing tough talk was removed from all DTV movies I think there would be a 400% higher chance of getting all the way through them.

The only guy in the movie that’s at all convincing about being tough is a gentleman by the name of Stick E. Fingaz. If you know me and you know Mr. Fingaz is in the movie you can probaly figure out why I didn’t turn it off as soon as Sid Haig died. Fingaz is the guy who’s gonna play Blade in the upcoming TV series, so I gotta do a little scouting. I can’t imagine anybody replacing Wesley Snipes and getting away with it (no, talkbackers, not even Michael Jai White, who by the way is replacing him in UNDISPUTED 2). But I’m gonna give Fingaz a shot on this TV show just because I never thought you could do a TV show spinoff of OUT OF SIGHT but I ended up really liking Carla Gugino in the KAREN SISCO show. So who knows.

Fingaz seems okay, but there’s one thing about him in this movie that really got me worried. The dude looks short. I don’t care how good a Blade you are, how much you don’t have to ice skate uphill, if all the vampires are towering over you you’re not gonna look tough. I did a little research though and if you can believe IMDb, Snipes is only a quarter inch taller than Fingaz. So I’ll try to have faith and give the guy a chance. But don’t blow it, shrimp.

By the way, I should mention that there is not a single house in this movie. I felt pretty ripped off.

Here’s the verdict. HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2: not total shit, but you have better things to do anyway. I’ll give you a list if you need one.

thanks fellas,


Thanks, man. I wish you some bad-assery of the highest quality in the near future to cleanse the palette. You’ve earned it.

“Moriarty” out.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/22329

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:18 a.m. CST

    Sid Haig was the man in The Devils Rejects

    by krullboy

    just saw it twice today. But the 70’s feel is what made the movie

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:20 a.m. CST

    Vern is wrong about the 80s, and as evidence I present the Baoit

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Argue your way out of that, Vern…

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:21 a.m. CST

    by Screaming Brain

    Uwe Boll… hahaaha

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:22 a.m. CST

    They should’ve let Boll do it, it would’ve been so much

    by DutchDrunk


    Sorry, couldn’t help myself there.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:22 a.m. CST

    It should be called “Everybody Vs House of the Dead 2”

    by moviemaniac-7

    Some bad movies get sequels because they made some money. People were actually stupid enough to give money for movies like Scary Movie and crap like that. I don’t think that HotD 1 made enough money, but it probably has to do with that German tax loophole (thank God it expires this January!) and there is another piece-of-crap movie where a good one could have been. Sad…

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:28 a.m. CST

    How could all of the military dudes die though…?

    by DutchDrunk

    Just had a peek at IMDB.

    Dan Southworth – Previous Quantum Ranger

    Stick E. Fingaz – Next Blade

    A Power Ranger AND Blade. Normally zombies wouldn’t have had a chance…So unrealistic.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:28 a.m. CST

    If you wanna see a Freaking Creepy Zombie movie, see “Carnival o

    by krullboy

    you will shit your pants, guaranteed.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:30 a.m. CST

    Damn good review. My compliments to the reviewer.

    by Jim Jam Bongs

    I imagine the movie itself won’t be as enjoyable as reading his commentary.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:36 a.m. CST

    Can somebody explain in 50 words or less who ume browl is and wh

    by BendersShinyAss


  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:41 a.m. CST

    Uwe Boll’s shitlist:

    by DutchDrunk

    House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, all of them horrible videogame to movie adaptations. Upcoming rapings of videogames: Dungeon Siege, Far Cry, Postal and Fear Effect. This is who Uwe Boll is. A man that takes a lot of great stories and turns them into horrible movies.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:53 a.m. CST

    Oh, you mean PWS Anderson. I know who that is!!

    by BendersShinyAss

    ok, now tell me what his deal is here on aint it cool. didn’t he come round and get a bitch slapping. I keep hearing about it but I was *away* that week

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 7:57 a.m. CST


    by Killah_Mate

    Not to contradict you completely (he needs to go back to his veterinary practice as soon as possible, IMHO) but Boll’s main failure isn’t really at the story level. Some of those games were good, one or two very good, but *not* because of some great story behind them. Actually, *all* the games he’s put to screen (and all the ones IMDB says he’s going to) have shitty stories; they’re simply fun to play. Uwe Boll is just an astronomically incompetent director, and I for one am glad he chooses games with shitty stories to adapt – that means Planescape: Torment will be safe until someone worthy comes along.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:04 a.m. CST

    They should turn Pod Racer into a movie

    by BendersShinyAss

    Of Microsoft flight sim. fuck yeah!!

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:20 a.m. CST


    by Anton_Sirius

    That I would live to see the day when a porno would rip off Harryhausen… truly, this is a Golden Age.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:21 a.m. CST

    I’m still waiting for the Burger Time movie

    by kingink123

    hell I’d even go for Dig Dug

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Yar’s Revenge

    by c4andmore

    I’m still waiting for that movie, that would freakin’ rock!

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 9:38 a.m. CST

    It must really piss off talented, struggling screenwriters when

    by I Dunno

    I’m surprised there aren’t more people walking into Hollywood studios with guns than mailmen shooting up post offices on Publisher’s Clearing House Day.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 9:43 a.m. CST

    “Deaf” Leopard?! How dare you sir!

    by chickychow

    How do you “turn a phrase?”

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 9:51 a.m. CST

    actually, this is a pretty horrible review

    by chickychow

    I know you were trying to reference abu graib, but u make it sound like a guy posing with zombies is “surprisingly true to life.” It isn’t.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 9:52 a.m. CST


    by Nairb The Movie

    Simon from Eerie Indiana is in this flick. Instant gold!

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:21 a.m. CST

    Every decade has its CRAP.

    by Batutta

    The 80’s also gave us Blade Runner, Indiana Jones, E.T., The Empire Strikes Back, Die Hard, The Thing, Aliens…the list goes on.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:24 a.m. CST

    TalkBack Jay Sherman says…

    by DOGSOUP

    “GET ME A CHEESBURGER! I don’t have anything in my stomach to properly vomit. It’ll sti……oh nevermind. ”

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:28 a.m. CST

    OMG, I completly forgot about Troll 2!

    by BurtGummer

    Seriously, that movie is fucking jaw-dropping. I don’t even know where to start with all the shittiness. I think my favorite part has to be when the guy gets shot with the arrow. You can see him grap the arrow and put it into his chest!

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Funniest review EVER

    by Chief Redcock

    Reading that review I’ll bet is 100 times more entertaining than watching this b.s.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Uwe Boll is not a medical doctor, I believe he has a doctarate i

    by Gungan Slayer

    Check out the 1 hour long interview with Dr Uwe Boll on IGN !

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 12:05 p.m. CST

    I love you Vern

    by BitterMan23

    Vern should write every review on this site. In lieu of 35 paragraphs on what he had for breakfast some idyllic Tuesday morning of his childhood before his father took him to something completely unrelated, he just reviews the goddamn movie. AND makes sense.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 12:27 p.m. CST


    by Cottonwood

    I’d rather read 90 minutes of this than watch the actual movie, some funny shit, Vern, gracias.

    And Chicky – I’m sure Vern referred to the soldiers, he didn’t compare Iraqis with zombies.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 12:55 p.m. CST


    by underscore_only

    I’m pretty sure what he meant was that in no way, shape or form is “posing with zombies” true to life. Loved the review though.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Vern makes me cry

    by Hamish

    But in a good way.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 1:22 p.m. CST

    Okay, let me clarify

    by Vern

    I wasn’t referring to Abu Ghraib specifically, but the phenomenon of soldiers taking souvenir digital photos. It’s against the rules and the military has tried to stop it, but it continues to happen and turn into controversies when the photos show up online (most recently the guy in Florida whose porn site was shut down apparently as retaliation for posting photos of war dead). I doubt it’s only American soldiers who do it and I doubt it’s a majority of the soldiers, and although I’m against it at least it’s not the old cutting off ears deal. I didn’t mean to bum you out Chickychow, but when it’s relevant to the movie I don’t see why it’s wrong for me to refer to an actual real thing that happens. I wasn’t trying to make some political comment, just acknowledging that this detail in the movie is very current and actually based on reality instead of movie cliches. Since most of the movie is things you’ve seen a million times before, I thought it was worth giving them credit for this one detail. By the way, I should’ve also made it more clear that this is a straight to video movie. In this business it doesn’t matter if anybody saw or liked the first one, they’ll make a sequel to anything. It’s not a German tax loophole, it’s profitable because every Blockbuster will stock a copy or two and Sci-Fi Channel will buy the broadcast rights so it’s automatic profit even if nobody ever watches it. Also based on what I’ve read elsewhere (including a positive review from Sitges that was here on TAICN) I think the filmatists made a genuine effort to make something good and separate from the first movie. I’m just saying that’s not good enough.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 1:35 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    and if I just started an Iraq war debate I’m gonna fuckin shoot myself. Let’s stick to the much more important topic of HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 1:47 p.m. CST

    Iraq War and House of the Dead 2

    by young1

    We shouldn’t be involved with either.

    Sorry Vern. Please don’t shoot yourself.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Good stuff

    by ArmitageShanks

    Damn cant wait to see this,the first one was comedy gold but i guess its not gonna be as funny without Dr Bolls involvement.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 1:58 p.m. CST

    “Carnival of Souls”

    by Neosamurai85

    Krullboy, them’s ain’t really zombies, but god bless ya laddy for the good taste. I’ve been trying to tell people on this site and else where to see hunt that film down and it does might heart much good to see another spreading the gospel. Peace.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 2:12 p.m. CST

    80’s sucked?

    by Neosamurai85

    Jokes aside, anyone that thinks that is just lazy. Tom Wait’s Island Years, Sonic Youth, Pixies, The Violent Femms, Primus, Aliens, Near Dark, Akira, Return of the Living Dead, House, Evil Dead, Biz Markie, Nentendo, The Wizard, The Explorers, Indiana Jones, Batman, Phantasm 2, Lost Boys, Suspira, Last Starfighter, War Games and motherfucking TRON! I could go on… and don’t get me started on the 70s. A decade can suck overall, but don’t shit on the good stuff by acting like it wasn’t there. Otherwise, a fine review Vern keep up the good work. Maybe ease down a tad on the masochisim a bit though. We worry about you. Peace.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 2:14 p.m. CST

    Wow… I’m just the king of the spelling B todeay!

    by Neosamurai85

    I think my hands are ploting against me like in Quicksilver Highway. Got Workshed? Peace.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 2:34 p.m. CST

    Great review

    by cagirl

    That was too funny. C’mon though the 80s weren’t that bad!

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 2:56 p.m. CST

    The ’80s

    by Vern

    Okay, you’re right. IN GENERAL the music was horrible worthless shit. It was the decade that killed funk and soul. Remember those fuckin keyboards they used exclusively between 1980 and 1989? But you’re right, there are exceptions. And IN GENERAL the movies were bad, but there were good ones. Whoever pointed out DIE HARD – touche. I gotta fold after that one. But I think you boys know what I’m talking about. People who grew up in the ’80s have this nostalgic/ironic thing where absolutely ANY stupid shit from that decade is cool. In fact, the worse the better. Watch any of the 72 hours worth of “I Love the ’80s!” material on VH1 to get an idea what I’m talking about. So you’re right, RAGING BULL was okay but that doesn’t mean all those wet t-shirt contest movies were too. Those were what I was specifically talking about and I decided to take out the entire output of our country for ten years in the crossfire. That’s just how I do things I guess. Anyway thanks for the comments.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 3:09 p.m. CST

    Who replaced Snipes in the Major League movies? He did a good jo

    by Big Bad Clone

    But Blade The TV Vampire Slayer will be shit anyways.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 3:17 p.m. CST

    “Run to the hills… RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”

    by Neosamurai85

    I hear ya Vern. It was the age of guilty pleasure… but will always be the golden age of Sierra and LucasArts adventure games in my heart… and the Goonies. Peace.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 3:44 p.m. CST

    lol, stupid shit from the 80’s equals 99% of the jokes in Fa

    by DigitalDong

    And Neosamurai85 is right. Tron is the fucking balls. Mostly cause they speak in 1337. Sort of…

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 3:45 p.m. CST

    The 70’s are more worthy of your derision

    by slder78

    The Bee Gees, pet rocks, and disco. Nuff said.


    (That last part is for our future grandchildren to use when they make fun of the aughts, or 00’s, or whatever they decide to call this decade.)

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Fuck the doomed!

    by seppukudkurosawa

    Come on Vern, you’ve been on AICN long enough to not fuck with certain Geek Touchstones…Star Wars, Heavy Metal and the 80s. That’s where all modern day geekiness stems from. I remember you writing in a review once that you thought there were few genuinely good films released in the 80s. I take it this statement was from before the days when you went and commited yourself to excellence (let alone the striving for excellence), so maybe you’ve done searched for more by now. Although it sure as shit ain’t my favourite decade for movies, it had just as many good films as it did bands. For every fucked up situation there’s gonna be a flip-side where people are being inspired by it. The decade did kill soul music though, fair enough. As far as Def Leppard are concerned, he had one fucking arm man…give the guy some respect. And no, I fucking loathe [tone]deaf metal as well.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 3:54 p.m. CST

    You want proof? Two words:

    by seppukudkurosawa

    The Hitcher…

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 4:05 p.m. CST

    “They should turn Pod Racer into a movie”

    by ulcer

    It’s already a movie. They added some boring political intrigue about a blocade around it.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 4:13 p.m. CST

    The Big Red “Bring Back the ’80s” Button

    by BannedOnTheRun

    I’d hit it in a second.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 4:53 p.m. CST

    There was no house in the movie, really?

    by Immortal_Fish

    That’s some funny shit! And the 80’s weren’t so bad, were they? Granted, it ushered the dawn of commercialsm only hinted at in the 70’s, but it couldn’t have been all bad. BTW, yes, Snipes is a very short man. Met him once and was surprised to find I didn’t have to look down for once. You have to understand — for me, the world is a stiff neck and a crotch view.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Big Bad Clone

    by slder78

    Omar Epps replaced him and he’s busy doing “House, M.D.” now

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 5:48 p.m. CST

    the 80’s rocked!

    by johnnyangelheart

    That was the last decade I still had hair.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 5:52 p.m. CST

    Fuck you to whoever wrote “Nintendo”

    by lynxpro

    All your base are belong to Atari, biotches. And I will point out that the 80s spawned the great film known as MALIBU BIKINI SHOP. For all you 80s h8ers, I’d also like to point out that the AMERICAN PIE series of films were a triumphant return of the 80s sex comedy formula that had withered and died due to the early 90s, and the cultural shift that cut out a lot of T&A from comedy films about the same time that music videos stopped the giggle factor on MTV. And there wouldn’t be bands of today like The Killers or The Bravery (or the countless others faux-wave/neu-romantic bands out there) without Duran Duran, of the 80s. The 80s also gave birth to the career of the man single handedly responsible for German reunification, that man being The Hasselhoff, a cultural force stronger than even Chuck Norris’s moustache of justice.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 5:57 p.m. CST

    jiggly factor….

    by lynxpro

    minor error there… But man, I’d much prefer Reagan back in office than Bush II. He rocked, just like Falco, Pac-Man, and the drummer from Def Leppard who’s only got one arm. Maybe the Doctor will come across a big red button to push that will bring back the 80s…or maybe the TARDIS will travel to Planet 80s sometime.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:09 p.m. CST

    The 80s was a shit decade

    by Bean_

    Barely any good movies came out during those 10 years, the music totally sucked, and WTF WAS UP WITH THE HAIR!?!?

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:13 p.m. CST

    I too would hit the 80’s button.

    by Shan

    … and remember, buy Microsoft!

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:14 p.m. CST

    Microsoft stock that is …

    by Shan

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:27 p.m. CST

    Vern’s Reviews

    by BDT

    What a fun read! Intelligent, funny and not too jaded, harsh or cynical. A review to enjoy without feeling defensive or guilty. Loved the King Kong review in December, too.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 8:50 p.m. CST

    Hilarious review, especially the part where lines of bad dialogu

    by Prof. Pop-Cult

    I could practically “see” a clip from the film being played, the bad line said by an actor, the footage paused, and then Vern’s voice-over exclaiming WTF? You’re quite a visual writer, Vern. We could use more (actually, all) reviews like this here.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:21 p.m. CST

    Way to deconstruct the bad dialogue, dude!

    by Wee Willie

    I agree if you took the tough talk and bogus technospeak out of a lot of movies, they’d be better for it. What’s with that Pantyhose line? I’d bet it was a retard actor’s ad-lib. But the ‘sunday’s off’ line had to come from a bad writer. I will NEVER see this movie.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:32 p.m. CST


    by BCfreeB

    That is all. www.unseenfilms.com

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:38 p.m. CST


    by Neosamurai85

    Your Atari does indeed own… however, it was released in 1977. But while we’re on 70’s systems that do indeed kick ass, my Odyssey 2 says you can suck it’s pixilated balls. I personally think that’s not a very nice thing to say to a nice guy like you, but ever since I left the system alone with me opossums, that speach synthesizer has been cranking out the damndest things. Damn crazy opossums… Peace.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:42 p.m. CST

    OK here’s the obligatory Fingaz should be replaced with Mich

    by Doc_Strange

    No really, after appearing in this film, he should be.

  • Jan. 29, 2006, 10:58 p.m. CST

    Sticky Fingaz is an awesome rapper

    by oh_riginal

    Check out his album “Black Trash: The Autobiography of Kirk Jones” Its like listening to a movie in the form of music. Its not nearly as great as Prince Paul’s “A Prince Among Thieves” though, not even close. When I picture Sticky Fingaz as an actor, I always picture him in his role as Tyrone, the guy who broke out of prison with Deebo in “Next Friday”.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 12:28 a.m. CST

    Funny stuff…Sid Haig was great in THX-1138

    by Doom II

    In fact, he’s the only character in that film that actually fought back and destroyed one of those robot cops. Good for him! Oh yeah, it’s 2006 and I have never seen an Ewe Boll film! Hurray for me!

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 1 a.m. CST

    The story for this movie was written by MARK A. ALTMAN the FREE

    by Darth Bono Jr.

    This guy used to write for sci-fi magazines like CINEFANTASTIQUE (did I spell that right? I don’t even care…). Shoulda stayed there. Anyway: nice review, Vern.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 2:24 a.m. CST

    How can anyone seriously call themselves a movie geek in one bre

    by BendersShinyAss

    The 90’s was a piece of shit! 2000’s aint been that cool either. But the 80’s was a dream time.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 2:48 a.m. CST

    Uwe Boll isn’t a fucking medical doctor…

    by PurityOfEssence

    He has a doctorate of literature from the University of Cologne. Which is somewhat amusing considering his films. But don’t act as if the man is a fuckin life saver.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 3:01 a.m. CST

    Of *course* Boll isn’t a medical doctor…

    by Killah_Mate

    …but pretending he is makes for quality sarcasm, as Vern knows well.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 4:08 a.m. CST

    Hey anchorite…

    by Ribbons

    …apparently you’re causing some ruckus in the Coaxial section. And by “you,” I mean some guy going by “Anchoriite,” with a capital a and two i’s.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 4:32 a.m. CST

    Bender, my friend

    by Vern

    I don’t know how to answer your questions since I didn’t call myself a “movie geek.” But let me tell you a little bit about the ’80s. First of all, I gotta stand by my statement that, in general, the music was bad. I mean I’m sure there was a gem here or there but you can say that about any ten year period. Somebody named a bunch of stupid bands kids listen to now and said they would not exist if not for such and such stupid bands from the ’80s. EXACTLY. And we’d all be the better for it. We’ve already established that the death of soul music happened at the stroke of midnight on Dec. 31st, 1979. Instead of a bell ringing though it was a fuckin Casio keyboard. There were maybe two good funk records in the entire decade, “Atomic Dog” and “More Bounce to the Ounce,” and that was a transitional period in the early ’80s. There was those keyboards and there was the hair and there was fuckin Huey Lewis and Rick Springfield and all those fucks. Even Stevie Wonder, I mean Hotter Than July is pretty good but how can you go from his string of masterpieces in the ’70s to all those hit and miss albums? I’ll tell you how: the ’80s. Okay so I’ll give you Prince, but that’s one guy and I could literally fit him in a drawer. You look at anything from the ’80s and it’s gonna be ugly as shit. An album cover, a logo, those fuckin posters with the sexy ladies. I’m not one for fashion but you can’t help but notice the clothes are ugly, the hair is ugly. I can still enjoy porn from the ’70s, but not the ’80s. And yes, the cinema boom of the ’70s hit the brakes in the ’80s. No offense but if you boys would really take Tron over Taxi Driver, or even Jaws, I don’t know what to do with you. They Live, okay. I can see it. But not Tron. You know what though, the more I think about it, the more I blame it on those Casios. Even the shitty movies in the ’70s alot of times would have a badass drummer and some horns or some wah wah or something, all through the ’80s they do movies with a dude playing the same 3 notes repeatedly on a Casio. So if there is a guy, Steve Casio or somebody who founded that company – I’m putting it on you, Steve. There’s gonna be hell to pay. I’ll give you this though, Bender. And this is very relevant to this particular movie. Generally speaking, I would rather watch a bad ’80s horror movie than a bad 2000s or 90s one. Give me some slasher movie in the oversized box, like HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME or APRIL FOOL’S DAY or some other lesser known holiday related movie, it’s gonna be more watchable than randomly selected bad horror from more recently. I think. Especially if you’re including DTV movies. I never was defending the 2000s though, these could turn out pretty bad. Anyway thanks everybody for ganging up on me, your friend Vern

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 4:47 a.m. CST

    Vern, what is your opinion on …

    by Shan

    … such films as Robocop – and Commando – and by extension the whole 80’s Schwarzenegger et al type of action film they did back then.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 4:51 a.m. CST

    Also Vern, a question about Steven Segal …

    by Shan

    I’ve noticed this in all of his films that I’ve seen (the old ones and the recent ones), is that in the fights with … well anyone, unlike other action films no-one ever lays a hand on him. With everyone else, the hero will get hit a lot, often nearly beaten sometimes but in Segal’s case, he never looks like he has the slightest chance of ever losing. Has there ever been anything said about this, or any kind of reason given?

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 5:14 a.m. CST

    Seagal, sorry …

    by Shan

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 8:39 a.m. CST

    Uwe Boll keeps getting funding because…

    by Ray Garraty #47

    Apparently when a movie bombs (if it’s a German studio)the studio can use the lost revenue as a tax writeoff, unlike an American studio. Studios hire Boll as a sort of “cooler,” b/c they know his movies will bomb yet will cost a lot of money to make. It’s like selling bad stocks to take the capital loss to offset your gains and then buying them back after the year is over. If you read some of the Bloodrayne reviews on Rotten Tomatoes one of the critics explains the process. I don’t know if I got all of the details right but that’s the gist of it – and it explains the Boll phenomenon. On a side note, this movie sounds a lot like “Doom.”

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 9:01 a.m. CST

    Oh, Vern!

    by Childe Roland

    I’m sorry you had to suffer through this if it truly sported lines of dialogue like the gems you quoted. Wow! It’s like that scene from Moscow on the Hudson where Robin Williams is trying to be pithy and flubs “Don’t turn up your nose, it blocks the light.” But he was playing a non-native English speaker, so it worked. Kind of. Any other “good” lines you can recall from this turd? I kind of collect out-of-context idiocy, and I’d hate to actually have to watch the movie.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 9:34 a.m. CST

    fuck the 80s

    by martinsmith93

    I loved them but that was because I aged from 0 to 7 and those years are awesome anyway. I didn’t give a shit if a movie was bad, if it had bright colours and some ass-kicking then I was happy. The rest of the time I was running about throwing rocks at stuff and pretending to be a ninja or whatever. It’s not like I was actually aware of any of the shit I was doing. If I had to go through the 80s now, fully conscious, then I would probably hang myself.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 9:37 a.m. CST

    why doesn’t someone interview the bastards who make this stu

    by martinsmith93

    Seriously, that time when someone interviewed Uwe Boll and then trashed his movie was awesome. Sorry, forget who it was. But man it’s fun, partly because of the horrible awkward hell of the interviewer, partly just to laugh at the crap director guy. Didn’t Uwe Boll slag off Jaws or some shit in that interview? Anyway, interview shit people, it’ll be more fun than hearing about how “faithful” the good directors are being, or how they’re “going much darker this time” and all that shite.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 12:50 p.m. CST

    This review belongs between my girlfriend’s legs, it’s s

    by www.valiens.com

    Dude, why didn’t Ebert tap you for thumb #2? Are you fat or something?

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 12:54 p.m. CST

    Long Live the 80’s

    by I_Snake_Plissken

    The 80

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Naked girl Zombies.

    by cookylamoo

    You’ve got to love ’em.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 1:11 p.m. CST

    Dr. Uwe Boll

    by NiceMarmot

    I know he’s not an MD, but everytime I see the Dr. in his name it make me think of the Jack Elam character in those crappy Cannonball Run movies. The crazy-eyed doc that got off by shooting various chemicals into his mouth with a syringe.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 1:12 p.m. CST

    Deaf Leopard

    by NiceMarmot

    These guys are my third favorite “cat” band, after Josie and the pUssycats and the Cheetah Chrome Mother Fuckers.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 1:15 p.m. CST

    the 80’s and Steven Seagal

    by NiceMarmot

    Everytime I see a Steven Seagal movie (or at least as much as I can take), I think of how much it looks like it came from the 80’s.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 1:31 p.m. CST

    Every decade sucked/sucks

    by DOGSOUP

    But then every decade also rocked/rocks. Wrap your head around that one.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 2:10 p.m. CST

    To Shan

    by Vern

    First of all, yes on Robocop. I wish Verhoeven could do a sequel or remake now though because Rodney King hadn’t even happened at that time, there’s so much more to say now. Second of all, I’m really not that big on Schwarzenegger. He has definitely done some good ones, my favorite being Total Recall. But I sort of consider that a trilogy with Robocop and Starship Troopers. I think maybe I only like him in Verhoeven and James Cameron movies, but I’m probaly forgetting something. He was a great villain in Pumping Iron, completely evil. Oh, that’s what it is, Conan. He’s great as Conan, obviously. So he has definitely contributed to society but I don’t necessarily follow him from movie to movie because he’s made too many turds, and to me not in an interesting way like Seagal. Which brings me to your question about Seagal. That’s an excellent observation about him not being hit as much as other action guys. The reason is that he does aikido – he was actually Michael Ovitz’s aikido trainer, which is how he ended up doing Above the Law. The idea of aikido is to use your opponent’s aggression against them. That’s why in those early ones you always see a guy run up and try to hit Seagal, and Seagal will move out of the way, grab the guy’s hand and break his wrist or twist his arm behind his back. It’s more of a defensive martial art than offensive, I guess.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Vern, you elite talkbacker

    by BendersShinyAss

    the 70’s gave us Taxi Driver, while the 80’s gave us Tron? That’s like saying the 90’s gave us Pulp fiction but the 2000’s gave us Sky Captain. You’re absolutely right about the big hair and cloths, but thats only because it was done perfectly by the pointer sisters for beverly Hills cop – and without the internet to enlighten the kids on how to do it properly, it was a stck of poor imitators. And they destroyed an entire generation for you. damn them. Damn them all to disco hell. But lets not forget what the 80’s DID give us. A complete resurgence of film score music. The big kind. A whole new wave of special effects films, growing ever so much better with each new ‘big’ film which has lead us the the world we have now of King Kong and War of the worlds. But lets go a little easier on the decade that gave us Empire, Jedi, Trek 2-6, Raiders, Temple of doom, Last crusade, Back to the future, Elm street, and now I’m outta breath.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 2:46 p.m. CST

    Vern wins again!

    by TarsTarkas.NET

    Another killer Vern review! HOTD2 premeires Feb 11th on Sci-Fi channel, but I can’t wait for Mammoth to premeire this summer. Killer Mammoths! It’s all part of Sci-Fi channel’s plan to ruin cinema.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Bring back the 80’s! button pushed

    by Purgatori

    Kidd Video.

    That’s all I have to say.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST


    by Vern

    I just chose Tron because it was mentioned by more than one person as an example. But you’re right, it’s not fair. Also, good point about the Pointer Sisters, I think. I would leave Back to the Future off your list and put on the previously mentioned The Thing and Die Hard. But that’s me. Anyway, to get back to my original point before I bit off more than I could chew, there is no reason to bring back movies involving panty raids. thanks Bender.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 7:25 p.m. CST

    “Animal House Of the Dead II: Food Fight”

    by Uncapie

    “Seven years of college down the fuckin’ drain!”

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 7:41 p.m. CST

    Twenty reasons why I can’t completely hate the 80’s

    by NiceMarmot

    1. The Road Warrior, 2. The Thing, 3. The Right Stuff, 4. Aliens, 5. To Live and Die in LA, 6. Raising Arizona, 7. Midnight Run, 8. After Hours, 9. Used Cars, 10. The Blues Brothers, 11. Southern Comfort, 12. Near Dark, 13. Blade Runner, 14. Bull Durham, 15. Predator, 16. Real Genius, 17. Das Boot, 18. The Man With Two Brains, 19. Raiders, 20. King of Comedy. Oh, and the Royals winning the World Series.

  • Jan. 30, 2006, 9:42 p.m. CST


    by Neosamurai85

    Fear my double jointed gorrila pecks of doom! Peace.

  • Jan. 31, 2006, 6:09 a.m. CST

    Sid Haig and “Galaxy of Terror”

    by Drunken Rage

    “I live… and I die… by THE CRYSTALS!”

  • Feb. 1, 2006, 1:17 p.m. CST

    1985 might have been the single best year in cinematic history

    by beamish13

    Check it out:

    Black Cauldron

    Breakfast Club

    To Live and Die in L.A.


    Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

    Back to the Future

    Better Off Dead

    Fool For Love

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