Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
No, seriously. The one and only Vern has returned with a new review of the seemingly in-limbo animated film, LI’L PIMP. Dig in:
Dark days have descended upon the Vern compound here in the bright blue upper left corner of the American map, and they hit me like a basketball to the nose. Just sitting here naively preparing for one of them ewok celebrations they used to have. Fireworks shootin off everywhere, a bunch of little dudes dancing around playing drums on Homeland Security helmets. I was high off publishing my first book and was feeling real optimistic. I felt the world was gonna change for the better and I looked fondly forward to the future, to a day when my fellow countrymen and women could hold their heads high and swell their chests with pride. Also to BLADE 3 next month.
Then, not sure what happened, somewhere around November 2nd or 3rd I just plunged into a bottomless funk. Not the good Clyde Stubblefield kind. The bad kind, where you’re sad and crap. The kind where you stumble around aimlessly and start behaving strangely. Maybe you watch GARFIELD and write a bizarre, rambling essay about it, to name one example. Who knows what could happen while you are in this state of the blues.
(GARFIELD is a movie about a freaky looking mutant asshole cat that complains all the time and steals people’s food.)
Then as if that wasn’t a big enough bummer, that rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard died. I’m an old man, I don’t usually follow that type of thing, but that dude was the craziest motherfucker in music. He was a genius. I loved reading stories about that guy. Remember the time he ran from the hospital after he got shot, and nobody could figure out why? Or the time he escaped from rehab, suddenly he’s on stage with the Wu-Tang Clan, does a couple songs and says, ”Y’all know they had the ODB locked down, right? Well, I’m here to tell you that they can’t keep me down. Now I’m free, and I’m out there like a bird flying around, so y’all better leave some birdseed on your windowsills, because I may be flying by your house.” I’m sure other people are eulogizing him better so I’ll just say Mr. Bastard, I’m leaving some birdseed on the windowsill for you there bud.
Anyway, all this gloom and doom, what you gotta do is find something real good to cheer you up. Unfortunately, nothing good was available. So I watched a cartoon called LIL’ PIMP.
LIL’ PIMP is a new animated cartoon type feature about a lonely little 9 year old white boy, raised by a single mother. He has no friends or male role models, so he hangs out with hookers, etc. It’s the story of “how a little boy from Pine Cone Heights saved the pimpin’ game.” The animatin I guess is done with the “flash” computer program, so it is real simple, thick line drawings, but pretty nicely designed. Not as ugly as some of the shit the kids like now, though not good enough that it would’ve worked on the big screen. Luckily it’s going straight to video oblivion.
I’ll be charitable man, this movie is not terrible. But it’s not that good either. It’s mildly amusing, like some failed MTV cartoon pilot stretched out to feature length. It’s kind of a parody of cartoon cliches I guess, ’cause the kid has a talking animal and he learns lessons from the wise pimp Fruit Juice (Bernie Mac) who uses magic “pimp glitter” and gets set up by an evil mayor (William Shatner). And it has other celebrity voices, like Carmen Electra as Honeysack and Danny Bonaduce who plays a bathroom pervert called Nasty Midget.
The rapper Ludacris plays a perverted talking weasel type animal named Weathers. He does a pretty good job, but I don’t know man. I’m not sure about watching a cartoon ferret or whatever he is fondling human boobs. That ain’t natural, man. Gay people can’t get married but a fucking weasel can grab a gal’s boobs. I don’t get it. I mean what is he even planning to do to this gal, I can’t figure out how it would even work.
The other rapper Li’l Kim is in this one too. You can do anything in animation, so she plays a hooker. She could play a regular sized hooker, a short hooker, anything. The possibilities are endless in this medium. I’m sure her parents are proud.
Bernie Mack keeps your attention as Fruit Juice though, and one of the two directors of the movie does the naive voice of the kid, who says things like “wowee” all the time but is taught how to “turn out a square woman” (his mom). Somebody told me it was “BOBBY’S WORLD meets PIMPS UP HO’S DOWN” whatever the fuck that means.
There is exactly one reason why I watched this movie though, and that reason is Rudy Ray God Damn Moore. That’s right, Petey Wheatstraw himself makes a cameo in one scene playing Mr. Slippers, a legendary fashion designer for pimps. It’s great to hear his voice in these trying times, and he gets some good lines and rhymes in. When a guy asks him for a Pony sweat suit he yells, “Well I don’t sell clothes to motherfuckas who wanna break a sweat!” Then he asks everybody to “dig my crystal fashion ball” which then tells the story of how he made an invisible suit for a guy and a headband for a two-headed “Siamese pimp.” Good scene.
And there were other parts that made me laugh, like when William Shatner asks, “Who knew pimping could be so easy?” and then cackles.
But I mean, obviously you can only go so far with this one-joke premise that a little white kid becomes a pimp. And yet they have to stretch it out to the full 80 minutes or whatever so you find them taking it seriously. Oh no, how are the heroic pimps gonna prove that the mayor is going to blow up The Playground, etc.
Pimps are one of those things like mimes and kumquats. People gotta get over them. They’re not THAT funny, just ’cause they got a big hat on or something. This movie acts like pimps and hoes don’t really do anything, they just stand around and look cool. And hoes aren’t afraid of pimps, they’re friends, because the pimps don’t seem to beat them, threaten them, take their money or even call them bitch very often. This cartoon is too damn cartoonish. In the world of reality, hoes work very hard, get beat up, get strung out, and then the pimp takes their money. There’s this fascination with pimps in our culture right now where it’s almost acceptable for kids to use the word. Especially after the show PIMP MY RIDE, little kids talk about pimpin now, “Man, you’re such a pimp, gimme five!” But it has about as much to do with real pimpin as BONANZA has to do with the old west. Read PIMP: THE STORY OF MY LIFE by Iceberg Slim, or if you’re lazy, watch AMERICAN PIMP. You can see it’s flamboyant and all that crap, you can see the outlaw appeal, but you also see these are horrible, sadistic assholes that beat women with coathangers and steal their money.
MAN I’m getting old but come on, you make a full length cartoon movie about pimps that doesn’t have enough jokes in it, of course my mind’s gonna drift and start thinking about this shit.
Bottom line is, these cartoonists are okay, they could probaly do a funny TV show. Or maybe not if they don’t have the wisdom to see that this is not a good enough idea for a full length movie. (Didn’t American learn anything from OSMOSIS JONES?) But I don’t like “south park” or the talking food one or the “family man” with the nutsack on his chin so what do I know, for all I know this shit is hilarious to you kids. Who knows. the end.
thanks boys, I’ll try to keep my chin up,
p.s. if it’s okay guys could you please attach the ad for my book. It is like Hercules does for selling those pajamas and crap he sells, only this is an honest to goodness landmark of film Writing, not some Hercules bib or panties or whatever. no offense.
p.p.s. nothing against panties though, panties are fine
As always, you’re awesome, man, and it’s a joy.
Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/18822
View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback
Nov. 15, 2004, 8:24 p.m. CST
by team america
Nintendo, you are on an internet forum. Keep telling yourself this.
Nov. 15, 2004, 9:04 p.m. CST
“Flash” and the dumbing-down of its use
“The animatin I guess is done with the “flash” computer program, so it is real simple, thick line drawings”. That’s what this reviewer’s impression of Flash is. That’s what a lot of folks, particularly non-creative types in the entertainment industry, think Flash is. Flash can be loads of things: it’s a tool. Depends on who’s using it. You can do feature quality full-motion animation with it. You can create anime-style cartoons with it. You can easily create ready-for-TV animation with it. Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends on Cartoon Network is a prime example. As an animator well versed in Flash, I can spot a lot of “Flashisms” in the show, but I also know the Burbank and Ireland crews are under tight deadlines. Overall it’s a very well animated show… without “thick lines” or being really “simple”. More & more, Flash is being brought into television animation. The downside is so many people think of it as a platform for web cartoons, because any joker with a P2P program can grab a copy & create a shitty cartoon video for a Group X song, but that’s not its limit as so many believe. I remember seeing Lil Pimp on the internet 4 years ago, then hearing how it’d be the first Flash feature film. It was also grossly mismanaged as a feature, like so many Flash productions because many studios, many investors, managers, producers, just don’t understand it and have incorrect assumptions of what it can and can’t do. I hope this reviewer takes some time to research the program and the process before making any more blanket statements.
Nov. 16, 2004, 12:44 a.m. CST
Nintendo, you stupid motherfucker
All you gotta do is read the reviews on my web sight (http://www.geocities.com/outlawvern
Nov. 16, 2004, 1:34 a.m. CST
I’m sad like when Superman passed.
I’m gutted that Ol dirty is dead.Brooklyn Zoo and Rawhide are all time dub plate classics.This is a bad year for showbiz people.Pimps=too deep a subject for most of you,not a nice profession believe,for older veiws read trick baby or pimp,for newer veiws,check out the corrupt level perpetrated by certian artists on mtv,
Nov. 16, 2004, 1:35 a.m. CST
sorry about the grammer today
spellin aint easy
Nov. 16, 2004, 2:27 a.m. CST
I remember the original Flash-animation series of this, back in
by Prof. Pop-Cult
…Lil’ Pimp was pretty amusing — I still have its theme song stuck in my head. I remember reading years ago that they were making a movie of it, but figured nothing had come of it.
Nov. 16, 2004, 3:18 a.m. CST
If I’m not mistaken I think you just called me DUMB. Well I’m sorry if I only mentioned the name of the program without including a summary of its history and theoretical applications. I figured I could leave that up to you though since that’s more your thing it looks like. I didn’t know there was Flash fundamentalists out there. Anyway, I forgive you. Also I forgive Nintendo. Sorry for calling you a stupid motherfucker. We’re all in this together everybody let’s stop fighting and start working this shit out. thanks friends. stop the war
Nov. 16, 2004, 8:02 a.m. CST
thank you, vern
for writing the most honest reviews on this website. You’re a Real American Hero.
Nov. 16, 2004, 3:36 p.m. CST
“Wu-Tang is for tha kids!”
Nov. 16, 2004, 3:42 p.m. CST
I’m niether Pro-pimp or anti-pimp…
but it always amazes me when I hear people complaining about bashing pimps because pimps are black. Thats not it, man. It’s because they’re Pimps.
Nov. 17, 2004, 1:01 p.m. CST
Okay, you don’t like Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, or South Park. What the fuck? Do you like animation, or humour for that matter, at all? Please, what cartoons do you like? O_o?
Nov. 17, 2004, 4:26 p.m. CST
I’ll Be Damn!
I thought this went into the shark tank. I remember hearing about this a while back and trying to find the flash files but never could get them to work.
Nov. 17, 2004, 9:54 p.m. CST
I don’t know bud, I just don’t think those cartoons are funny. So if you think those are funny who knows, maybe this Lil’ Pimp will blow you through the fuckin window with laughs. That’s why I mentioned it. I think you have your Simpsons and your King of the Hill, those are funny shows aren’t they? I don’t know cartoons too well bud, I am an adult. p.s. oh yeah what about Roadrunner, those were funny ones.
Nov. 18, 2004, 5:11 p.m. CST
Vern vern vern
You need to throw us a bone once in a while and go back to getting really drunk and watching really bad movies. That’s just good journalism!
Nov. 20, 2004, 11:10 p.m. CST
hooray for pimps
You are just the best and thanks for cheering me up with your Garfield review during these dark days. And this one, too, though the stupid-ass responses from pimp-lovers and Flash-fornicators darkened my mood again somewhat.