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Demon Knight

tn_demonknightWell boils and ghouls, I’m glad I took a stab at reviewing THE PHANTOM recently and got you squealing about Billy Zane, because you were dead right to recommend this movie in the, uh, corpse-ments. (the comments is what I mean. I’m not sure that one works.) This movie is an absolute scream! Sometimes my throat gets really dry and I can’t stop coffin. something about rigor mortis, etc.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: DEMON KNIGHT is another enjoyable studio B-movie of the ’90s that held up better than I thought it would. Directed by Ernest Dickerson (cinematographer of DO THE RIGHT THING, director of BONES, and that about sums him up) it’s a pulpy supernatural hotel-siege tale with a game Billy Zane as the (SPOILER) demon that the knight fights with. I know a couple people who say they can’t stand Billy Zane. I assume it’s because of the one-dimensional character he played in TITANIC, but I wish I could convince them to forgive him for that. I respect him for how perfect he is in THE PHANTOM, but I can’t sell everybody on that one. DEMON KNIGHT, on the other hand, is a performance you can’t really front on. He gets to play a redneck WALKER, TEXAS RANGER type, then an over-the-top smartass evil guy, and since he’s a Lucifer silver-tongued type individual he also does this seducer routine, trying to smolder like he’s painted on the front of a romance novel, half-whispering sweet nothings and lies straight into the ladies’ brains, his lips not even moving. He has some good lines, but the part that made me laugh most is not necessarily funny on paper or computer screen. It’s just the sing-songy way he calls out “hell-oooo-oooo.” Kind of a Ned Flandersy thing you wouldn’t expect a demon from hell to say while trying to kill a warrior with a powerful cask of Jesus blood.

Anyway, he’s real good in this, and it’s too bad that even though he’s done good roles in SNIPER, DEAD CALM, THE PHANTOM and DEMON KNIGHT he probly only has people coming up to him on the street saying “Mark my words, this Picasso won’t amount to anything! TITANIC!” It’s gotta be annoying for him and Arnold Vosloo to have to put up with that all the time.

mp_demonknightThe movie starts with a car chase, William Sadler hauling ass from Zane. Both survive a fiery crash, Sadler fails at stealing a backup vehicle, so he hides out in a hotel that used to be a church. At first you don’t know for sure which is the bad guy, and there’s an all time classic reveal when Zane gets tired of pretending (let’s just say Bruce Lee’s punches are not as powerful as this guy’s.) (Okay, I’ll say more: he punches all the way through the sheriff’s head and then tears the whole thing off.)

When the demon is unable to get “the key” that Sadler carries (which can be used to put magic demon-repelling force fields on doors, windows and holes), he has a weird form of “okay, I was hoping it wouldn’t come this, but…” He stands outside, cuts himself, drips neon green blood on the ground and watches it slowly grow into his slimey, ghoulish minions. When they’re toddler-sized he lovingly kisses one on the head. Then the monsters try to get into the hotel and bite everybody, turning them into monsters too. The only way to kill them is to destroy their eyes, because it releases their tormented souls. So don’t be feeling sorry for these monsters. Poking their eyes out is the nicest thing you can do to them. They’ll probly send you a nice thank you card later.

So that’s how the game plays out. Monsters attack, Zane makes people hallucinate to convince them to give him his way. For example the local drunk Uncle Willy (Dick Miller) suddenly finds himself mobbed by topless babes while Zane, in his best beach wear, mixes drinks behind the bar. Meanwhile the demon knight tries to block off entrances, shoot evil eyeballs and rally the people to his team. The cast includes CCH Pounder, Thomas Haden Church, Roger Rabbit, and Jada Pinkett as a fairly tough ex-con with a badass juxtapositional love for her cat. Actually, CCH Pounder is tougher, she loses an arm and still manages to suicide bomb a bunch of monsters.

There’s a couple weird touches with the characters that kind of mess with what you expect in this sort of movie. Thomas Haden Church plays a real asshole, and he hits a woman. But then for a little bit it seems like you’re supposed to be okay with him when he hears the demon knight’s story (including a flashback to the crucifixion) and admits he respects him for having “balls.” Also, Charles Fleischer seems like he’s supposed to be sympathetic because he’s this timid guy in love with the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold and wanting to protect her from the asshole, but later in the movie after he’s dead they find out he was planning a massacre at the post office he got fired from. That sort of changes your opinion on him. But provides much needed weaponry.

The script is by Ethan Reiff & Cyrus Voris, who wrote (with John Sayles) that really good Dolph Lundgren movie MEN OF WAR. Also they wrote KUNG FU PANDA. Also a guy named Mark Bishop is credited, he didn’t write either of those.

This was kind of a weird idea to make a horror franchise by doing unrelated movies hosted by this wiseacre corpse puppet, the Crypt Keeper (taken from an HBO anthology show, taken from a comic book). He appears at the beginning and end supposedly directing the movie and making all kinds of terrible puns in his grating voice. After the credits he promises another installment called DEAD EASY (it ended up being called BORDELLO OF BLOOD).

It’s hard to imagine a really great horror movie being released that way. I mean, what if the Crypt Keeper was at the beginning and ending of THE SHINING? I think that might not work as well. His presence would not be welcome, in my opinion.

But for this type of thing it works. It’s got a distinctive tone – not a comedy at all, but full of funny dialogue and joyfully gooey mayhem. And it has alot of imaginative pre-affordable-CGI monster puppets and what not. If his directing career had lasted longer I’m sure the Crypt Keeper would’ve grown as an artist but also his name would guarantee more of that type of DEMON KNIGHT feel. It would be a name brand where they wouldn’t have to sell you on what it was about or anything, you’d just say “oh, it’s a new tale from the crypt.”

Did you know that Peter Jackson’s THE FRIGHTENERS was originally written to be a TALES FROM THE CRYPT movie? Zemeckis still ended up producing it but thought it was good enough to stand on its own and not have the Crypt Keeper in it. I think that’s also true of CASTAWAY, that was gonna be a TALES FROM THE CRYPT too. In my opinion Zemeckis also made the right decision not doing TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS BACK TO THE FUTURE III. I mean it would’ve worked, I just think unless they could go back and add the Crypt Keeper into the first two it just wouldn’t seem consistent.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 11th, 2010 at 1:35 am and is filed under Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

64 Responses to “Demon Knight”

  1. Vern you GOT to do THE FRIGHTENERS next, pretty please?

    also MIRACLE MILE is a movie you should check out at some point, although it would be a good fit for October since it is scary

  2. BONES is a really, really awful movie btw

  3. Demon Knight, or the Boomerang Effect of international demon movies.

    American “Evil Dead” – Italian “Demons” – American “Demon Knight”.

  4. All hail the Zane. I remember watching this and thinking ‘Holy fuck, this guy is going to be massive.’ It could still happen damn it!

  5. Told’ya this is gonna be a good one. I think the only problem I have with it, is how untypical it feels for the TALES FROM THE CRYPT brand, with it being more a straight horror story, even without a dark humored twist ending.

    My sister is a huge TALES FROM THE CRYPT fan and also owes a big book about the history of the comics, the TV series and the movies (for any reason they don’t mention the cartoon show in it). The writers of DEMON KNIGHT talk in it about the “curse” that their script suffered from. They offered the director’s chair to several (back then) hot directors and when they turned it down, their next film tanked big time at the box office.

    It’s also hard to imagine, but there was a big controversy about this movie here in Germany when it came out. It ran uncut in theatres and was a minor hit, but after its VHS release, it became more and more apparent that it might land on “the index” or even get banned, so Universal recalled all tapes and the movie (in its uncut form) became a rarity over here until a DVD release a few years ago. Interesting enough, a local video store still had three copies of it, which was how I got to see it in the late 90’s.

  6. Awesom job Vern. Now all you need to do is review that Anti-semetic Turkish film Zane did that apparently ruined his career.

    P.S. Skip Bordello of Blood….please.

  7. Good old Demon Knight ( with the awesome title “Tales from the Crypt : The Knight of Evil ” = “I racconti della cripta – Il cavaliere del male” , here ) , I’ve got it on VHS from the TV , but I’ve seen it in english , too . Maybe it’s the siege aspect of it , like a demonic Assault on Precinct 13 , but I love it . This movie is a good example of good special effects on a short budget we are still talking about in the Nightmare remake comments. The special effects that i like here are the make-ups of the demons , a particular discipline of FX that , even with CGI , I don’t see replaced anytime soon. You will always need good make-up an masks in fantasy-horror-SF movies . Try to imagine Star Trek without head-vaginas ! Yes , the demons are actors is plastic costumes , but they’re creepy and I even think that these demons look incredibly similar to some vampires in “From Dusk Till Dawn” , released a year later. So , good job practical effects team.

    And Griff is right , I wanna read a review of The Frighteners , too ! Jeffrey Combs steals the show in that movie !

  8. odo19 – wasn’t that movie also anti-Christian and anti-American?

  9. Gonna have to check this out again. Always remember Zane being brilliant in this and loved his over the top performance.

    And I’m with Griff, a Frighteners review would be cool.

  10. BTW, since CCH Pounder’s badassness was mentioned in the review: It always cracks me up when she gives Zane “the finger”.

  11. This sounds awesome! I can only hope it’s as good as it sounds. I don’t ever remember seeing this on the shelves, but I never really paid attention to Crypt movies. I’ll have to see if it was released on Region 4. Any other good recommends?

  12. Good morning, Vern and all.

    I just watched Bordello of Blood yesterday. Not a great movie, but Dennis Miller (whom I haven’t found to be funny in years) elevated it to a pleasant time-killer.

    I’ll have to watch Demon Knight again, though, to see which I like better. Haven’t seen it since the 90s, I think.

  13. Dear Vern:

    I respectfully submit for your review, “Zibahkhana”

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0887973/

    http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1632168,00.html

    This is a 2007 Pakistani zombie movie. Dwarf Muslim Zombies. Tons of gore. Dude in a Burqa swinging a spiked flail.

    How can you possibly go wrong?

  14. I saw Deon Knight at a special Halloween marathn in the local cinema 10 years ago and I still remember the punch-through-head sequence, that was some funny shit.

    I’m also in favor of a Frightners review, I always hought it was a good movie.

  15. I’m sure Zane also hears the Zoolander quote as much as Titanic. Because it’s also a compliment, “Listen to Billy Zane. He’s a real cool dude.”

    Demon Knight was a lot of fun. Too bad the impossibly lame, shitty Bordello of Blood killed the series. I would have liked to have seen a version of the usual revenge story.

    I must admit, I sort of like Bones. The style is so great and I like Snoop Dogg. If they could have only controlled the script. It was just too all over the place.

  16. I loved this movie!! And to be truthful I was rooting for the bad guy. ;)

  17. Honestly, if we’re going to make Vern watch a Jeffrey Combs movie can we all agree From Beyond or Re-Animator would be the best choice.

  18. Dickerson also directed JUICE the movie that defined the public image Tupac Shakur would portray for the rest of his life. Demon Knight has always been a very underrated gem. Doesn’t get any more kick ass than Billy Zane jumping out a window in a cowboy hat. He reminded me of an R rated Beetlejuice. This man HAS to be given the chance to audition for Snyder’s Superman, I can’t think of a better candidate for Lex Luthor.

  19. TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS ANTI-CHRIST
    TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS A SERBIAN FILM
    TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE FIRST SEQUENCE
    TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS TETSUO THE IRON MAN

  20. Personally, I think the next Tales From the Crypt film should have been about the Cryptkeeper himself. There are so many unanswered questions about that guy. Was he always a dessicated corpse with a predilection for morbid puns or did he used to be an actual living person? Does he own that crypt or is he just renting? Either way, how does he pay for it? And what is he keeping the crypt FOR, anyway? And does anybody live in the rest of the house upstairs? It seems a shame to let it all go to waste just so this one little skeleton puppet can hang out in the basement. Then again, I wouldn’t really want to live above the guy. The constant cackling would get old real quick.

    So yeah, I think they should revive the franchise with TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS TALES FROM THE CRYPT: CRYPTKEEPER RISING: REDEMPTION: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS.

  21. Actually, Clancy Brown should be given a chance to play Luthor in the movie; the man actually can look like Luthor (as proven in a recent series), and spent years as his voice actor in the DCAU series.

    But I agree, Billy Zane would be a fine choice, too. I only give CB the edge as payoff for the great work he has already done as Luthor.

  22. Good Lord, I actually used actually twice in the same sentence… {hanging head in actual grammatic shame}

  23. Mr Majestyk: They already had an episode about how the Cryptkeeper was born. (Spoiler, because to see him as a baby was the twist ending of this episode.) His father was a two-headed man and his mother was a mummy, who were both parts of two competing Freak Shows. (The episode was written by Fred Dekker, btw.)

  24. Arnold Schwarzenegger once directed and guest starred in an episode too…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ijin8wtSmw

  25. Arnie’s episode was great, even if he only appeared in the crypt keeper sequence. But he has a sure hand as a director! Also Tom Hanks and Bob Hoskins directed episodes. Hanks’ episode is weird, because everytime someone gets killed, he repeats the kill 4 or 5 times in quick cuts. Crazy.

  26. I don’t remember Hanks doing that. I DO remember his character being shoved through a tv set and killed, and I was shocked they did that. I loved it. I know that when a celebrity actor wanted to try directing an episode the one condition was that they appeared in it somewhere. So when Michael J. Fox did one, he shows up for a minute as a lawyer or something. I just like how Hanks cast himself as the guy who gets horribly murdered. And I liked his episode, I always liked ones that ending with a shambling zombie, and he gave us a bunch of them.

  27. Fun Fact: Bordello of Blood DID NOT kill this franchise. There was a third film that was so bad that it sat on the shelf for several years before being quietly released on DVD a year or 2 back, sans Crypt Keeper. I think the Japanese bootleg still has his segments though.

  28. I don’t know…yeah, there was a third one which I’ve never seen, but I have to think that had Bordello of Blood done really well or if anyone liked it, they would have still shelved that third one and just made another Tales movie and released that as the third. Campy horror just doesn’t really work in the US, no one ever seems to like it. You can do a straight up horror comedy, but not a horror movie played for camp value.

  29. When the TFTC series started in Germany, they showed the episodes out of order, just to have the celebrity shows first. The Tom Hanks one was the premiere episode, followed by Tobe Hoopers episode with Whoopi Goldberg and so on. It was surprisingly successful for a show that was running on Sunday nights. Even though many episodes were heavily cut, but I gotta say, most of the time pretty good. They just start to release the episodes for the first time uncut on DVD over here. I think I should buy them. There were so many awesome episodes. (Like THE VENTRILOQUIST’S DUMMY, which was written by Frank Darabont, starred Don Rickles and Bobcat Goldwaith and had probably the most fucked up last act that a TV episode ever had!)

    About BORDELLO OF BLOOD: Don’t forget that it came out almost at the same time as FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, which might have been another factor of its bad reputation. I think the movie isn’t really that bad, but more cheesy than DEMON KNIGHT, although it seemed to be deliberate. Vern, you should review this one too. Even if it’s just because of Chris Sarandon.

  30. Jones – Yet to be fair, TALES was a pretty popular show on HBO for many years. Hell it even got syndicated, which unfortunately was my first introduction to that, where all the good violence and boobies got deleted. Still I have fond memories.

    Some episodes full intact I still vividly remember. That one where the ugly-but-talented Jon Lovitz kills a pretty boy hack for the lead role in a Hamlet play only for Lovitz to get his just desserts and his skull be used instead. Or that one where “Humphrey Bogart” plays a corpse*. Or Arnold’s directed “The Switch” or Zemeckis’ remake of the escaped convict-dressed-up-as-Santa Claus which the 1970s TALES movie had previously used, and so forth.

    *=See even Robert Zemeckis back then was overtaken by technology.

  31. RRA: The pretty boy hack that was killed by Jon Lovitz was Bruce Boxleitner. :)

  32. Aw, I just remembered the episode with Mimi Rogers, where she wanted to participate in a beauty contest, but everyone told her she would be too old. And then she won by killing the real winner, only to learn that she won the title of…(SPOILER) Miss Autopsy! The last thing we see from her is her dead body cut open, presented on stage, while the host sings a song about “inner beauty”.

  33. CJ – Also I think another problem adding to BORDELLO OF BLOOD’s reputation was Dennis Miller. Back then he was a stand-up comic star, did some movies (The Net, Murder on 1600) but after BORDELLO was when he had his disasterous Monday Night Football* run on ABC and later became more of a NeoCon wanker on Fox…I think all that just piles on BORDELLO, probably unfairly.

    *=Imagine Seth Mcfarlane in full FAMILY GUY mode calling an American Football game. That’s Dennis Miller on MNF, so disasterous that is considered a major factor of why (briefly) WWF and WCW wrestling were kicking network ass on monday nights. Nevermind this was also when we was having the epic Monday Night Wars between the wrasslin promotions.

  34. I can’t really comment on Dennis Miller. He is completely unknown in Germany, but I take your word about his career and agree with that. Sounds like pretty bad publicity.

    And I also just remembered the hilarious episode with Lee Arenberg, Katey Sagal and Iggy Pop (as himself), where Arenberg is trying to get away with stolen charity money and a corpse in his wardrobe, while he is driven insane by a voice in his head. I’m convinced. I must have these overpriced DVD sets. :D

  35. I don’t know RRA…when Borello came out it was pretty much hated across the board, I think, wasn’t it? Also, you’re right about the show being popular on HBO…but it’s funny, the show had bigger stars than the movies did. And I think campy horror plays better on tv, the trick is getting people to leave their house and pay money to see one. But on tv, campy horror plays just fine.

  36. Y’know which episode was also awesome? The one with Bill Paxton and Brad Dourif, that was directed by Russel Mulcahy. The big twist didn’t made any sense, but it was okay, because it was so fucked up and Dourif was awesome in it.

  37. CJ – We certainly grew up with some quite decent sci-fi/horror/fantasy anthology programs asides from CRYPT. OUTER LIMITS revival was pretty damn good (lasted like 10x longer than the original), TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE could be uneven but when it was great it was absolutely great in its cruelty. Meanwhile you had TALES’ “good” twin brother (minus goatee) in AMAZING STORIES which most of the time was too much schmaltzy for its own good, but we still got some nuggets out of it.*

    But recently, has anyone bothered to try? I know there was MASTERS OF HORROR, more seen perhaps out of the production gimmick (get “legendary” genre directors) and ABC briefly had MASTERS OF SCIENCE FICTION which was pretty unremarkable. Except the pilot which was about Sam Waterston as an amnesiac mental patient, until its revelaed he was the U.S. President who launched a nuclear holocaust and the survivors are forcing him to remember/relieve his mistake everyday. That was good.

    *=Like that Peter Hyams-directed episode with Gregory Hines as a psychic magician on a murder mystery. That one was scritped by Mick Garris.

  38. Don’t get me started on AMAZING STORIES. This show was so disappointing, because around 98% of the episodes had great concepts, that never lead to anywhere and ended completely disappointing. But yeah, when it was great, it was damn great! Like the Peter Hyams episode that you mentioned, or MUMMY DADDY, in which an actor in a mummy costume just tries to visit his wife in a hospital. Or the Spielberg directed two-parter THE MISSION, which is one of the most suspense-filled hours Television has ever seen! (Although the ending is definitely love-it-or-hate-it.) And who could forget Brad Bird’s FAMILY DOG episode?

    Like I mentioned in the TRICK ‘R TREAT thread, I really have a soft spot for anthologies. Not just in movie form, but also in serialized form on TV.

  39. Jones – That’s always the problem with adapting movies off popular TV shows. Didn’t the SIMPSONS movie even point that out? Of course to be fair, people (in intialy airings) had to pay to watch CRYPT but still you’re right.

    As for “stars”, I think TV show and movie were two different things. For a 30 minute show, production is only a few days for a director (like Zemeckis or newbie like Arnold) and even less for an actor (like Kirk Douglas) which is a big contrast to a movie which last months and while star actors/directors are willing to not demand hard cash for a TV show since they think of it as a favor or hell, a chance to break out and do something different without any serious consequences.

    Movie though, budget is higher and people demand to be paid and there are risks. At least that’s my armchair theory.

    Another CRYPT episode just came up in my memory banks, where some chick at a farm has a lust affair with a scarecrow. I don’t remember the plot or twist, but the idea remains.

    Vern – You need to review TALES FROM THE HOOD sometime.

  40. RRA: The Scarecrow episode was cool too. (I think it was directed by Tom Holland, but I’m not sure and too lazy to look it up.) It was about a teenage runaway that was held as a slave by a farmer couple. The husband was lusting for the girl and his wife grew more and more jealous. Then one day the girl seemed to have lost her mind (I can’t remember if there was a reason for it or it just happened.) and talked about how much she loved the scarecrow. The husband followed her one day and saw her making out with it, so he had the plan to dress up as the scarecrow and get her that way. Not spoiling what happens then, although it’s kinda predictable.

  41. CJ – Eh I loved THE MISSION. All that built-up melodrama, and Spielberg pacing to the inevitable climax and that ending…which I liked. Spielberg wanted his TWILIGHT ZONE for the 1980s and that episode (plus deux ex machinas finale) fits right in with that ideal.

    Two other AMAZING episodes come to mind: the Eastwood-directed where early 20th century playboy Harvey Keitel resurrects his dead wife by painting a portrait, which was touching if the ending leaves you wondering the practical logistics or whatever. Or my personal favorite, Martin Scorsese’s episode with the mirror.

    Come to think of it, unless my memory is mistaken, the 1980s TWILIGHT ZONE revival was a bust.

  42. I loved the ending of THE MISSION too, but I don’t judge anybody who would hate it.
    Don’t know about the 80’s Twilight Zone. All I know is the movie and the remake of the AFTER HOURS episode, which I only watched because it starred Terry Farrell. (In which review thread did we talk about decade long celebrity crushes again?)

  43. I don’t think the Masters of Horror series gets enough credit. Some of the episodes are very well-executed and deliver on their intriguing premises. If you have the time I ‘d definitely try to check out the Dario Argento directed Pelts. I guarantee you will never look at Meatloaf(not the delicious meal) the same way again. It’s on Netflix’s instant stream, along with 20-30 other episodes.

    My favorite TFTC episode that jumps to mind would be the one where the old millionaire spends his fortune attaining some younger dudes body to attract the girl he desires, only to see her go for the now old looking guy in his old body with all his money.

  44. @Dieselboy: That episode was the one that Schwarzenegger directed. And Meat Loaf was also in a CRYPT episode, together with Christopher Reeve. In this one Reeve (accidently) killed him and sold him as hamburger meat. It’s one of the most hilarious episodes of the series.

  45. 80’s Zone wasn’t that bad. Like most anthology shows there were a few gems. Like the episode where an out-of-work truck driver gets a job transporting people to Hell and realizes that some of them are going just because they’re gay and the William Friedkin directed episode was also a good one if I remember correctly. All in all I’d say it was better then Night Gallery at the very least.

  46. Wasn’t there also just recently a new TWILIGHT ZONE series, that was narrated by Forest Whitacker?

  47. Yeah, there was. Now THAT one was indeed awful.* Updated Monsters are Due on Maple Street with terrorists?? FUCK YOU!!!

    *It’s Still a Good Life was kind of nice but ultimately unnecessary.

  48. Vern, thanks a lot for reviewing this movie. Zane’s performance in this flick is one of my all-time favorites. If you do your next book on Nicolas Cage and the Art of Mega-Acting, like I’m hoping you are, you need to reserve a chapter for Zane. He is one of the Zen Masters of Mega-Acting. I hope you review Bordello of Blood. Most people hate it but I love both Tales from the Crypt Movies equally. I hate the term “guilty pleasure” because if it gives you pleasure, then you shouldn’t feel guilty, but that certainly describes Bordello. Then again, if you have a low tolerance for Dennis Miller, you’ll be up Shit Creek with popsicle sticks for paddles.

  49. CJ, I loved that Bill Paxton Crypt episode too. I loved how some eps were horror and some were basically crime stories, my favorite types. But watch that one again, the twist SEEMS out of left field but if you watch it knowing the twist, it’s easy to see the signals.

    RRA, you’re right about stars in Crypt. And heck, a lot of the huge stars they got were because they wanted to try their hand at directing and the producers were smart to make sure they also had ace time in exchange. But my comparison is more like, you didn’t ever see Tom Hanks doing tv at that point, or horror…so seeing him on a show, or Schwarzenegger, or whomever was really special and cool. The tv show was able to build up that vibe…see what big star is going to be on it this week, and what’s the twist, etc. And if you get a lame episode that’s okay, it was only half an hour of your time and there’s another one next week.

    With movies though, you don’t have that vibe, you have to get people to go out and pay each time…and Tom Hanks isn’t in it. And a terrible movie like Bordello is more fatal.

  50. Tales From The Crypt is a really awesome show, some of my favorite episodes are the with Zelda Rubinstein about a child psychologist trying ti help one creepy little girl and the one with Morton Downey Jr as TV host who goes into a real haunted house, that episode still scares me to this day!

  51. Aw shit, totally forgot about the Zelda Rubinstein (and David Warner) episode! This one is probably one of the top 10 episodes of the whole series.
    Anybody remembers the episode where Ed Begley Jr plays a shady salesman, who sells worthless properties to old people and then runs into a family who loves to kill salesmen? Doesn’t sound interesting? Well, the husband is played by Tim Curry, the wife is played by Tim Curry too and to survive, Begley Jr has to marry their daughter…who is played by Tim Curry! Yes, it’s as insane as it sounds! (And I think Tim Curry got a Golden Globe or Emmy nomination for this episode.)

  52. What happened at the end of the episode where the truck driver takes gay people to hell? I wanna know!

  53. I think Crypt Keeper would have helped Cast Away a lot.

    Not only was Bordello of Blood just no fun, but I remember when it came out Miller went on every talk show making fun of it. His appearances were great irony, but I’m sure it didn’t help the movie. Maybe he’d already written it off at that point. However, it killed me that in the summer of ID4, he decided to call is movie Bob.

    My favorite Amazing Stories was The Babysitter. Anyone remember that?

  54. When I saw the trailer for Legion I got excited because it looked kind of like Demon Knight. Apparently it is a lot less Demon Knight and a lot more Bordello of Blood.

    I also think Feast is pretty close to Demon Knight as well, and is better than it should be. Haven’t seen the sequels though.

  55. the Morton Downey Jrepisode was called “television” terror and it’s about a host of one of those tacky “paranormal shows” who goes into a house that is not only actually haunted, but unlike most ghosts who just try to scare you, these ghosts will flat out kill you dead!

  56. While I’m thinking of it, allow me to throw in a mention of one of my favorite Crypt episodes. Don’t know the title
    off hand but it had Lea Thompson as a gold digging beauty obsessed bitch who wanted the perfect face. Then her face gets all fucked up in the end and all she’s left with is the perfect plaster casting of her former face. The ending was great when her former ho bag friend bumps into her, causing her to drop and shatter the plaster cast. The chick’s reaction was hilarious. “Watch where you’re going you ugly bitch!” Classic.

  57. I’m not sure if this was really a Crypt episode. At least I can’t remember that one. But that doesn’t have to mean anything.

  58. Wow, this roll call of Tales episodes is taking me down memory lane. I might have to pick up a couple of seasons now.

  59. Also, Bordello of Blood was so bad that i actually enjoyed it. Dennis Miller’s wisecracks and Angie Everhart’s torso made the movie entertaining. I’d watch it again.

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  61. How are demons and knights exactly relevant to ambulance chasers? Are there any underlying judicial concerns this film acknowledges that I completely miss?

    Dumb spambot.

  62. As soon as I saw “Kirk”, I was hoping for some connection (however tenuous) to Captain James Tiberius ____. Possibly some Trekkie gone so far into the void that he dresses as, talks like, and actually thinks he IS Captain Kirk (the Shatner version, natch).

    Fuckin’ spambots have truly gone downhill on this site (not that they should be here at all, but if you’re gonna be a nuisance, at least do it well). How I sorta but not really miss the ones with that broken, fractured, pseudo-“All your base are belong to us” sentence structure. ‘Twas fun to mock those gomers.

  63. I miss the brief period when all the spambots had sisters who were archers for some reason.

  64. Is this the Goleta City council member?! What an honor! Wish I could be part of your campaign!

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