I use hands to help my fellow man / I use hands to help with what I can / But when I face an unjust injury / Then I change my hand into FIST OF FURY

Vern’s Got A Contest For You, Sponsored By Seagal’s KILL SWITCH On DVD!

Hello fellow Seagalogists and others, Steven Seagal’s latest and most recent, KILL SWITCH, arrives on DVD October 7th. Here’s the trailer:

Seagal plays a Memphis homicide detective chasing two unrelated serial killers while committing atrocities against dentistry and possibly juggling more than one family. Also he had a twin brother who was murdered during a birthday party – it’s kind of a long story. Isaac Hayes is in it for a minute too. And there’s a part about a dead clown. I know in the talkbacks and stuff alot of you are always saying how you wish you could get a free KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY including 11 important Steven Seagal titles. Well that’s quite a coincidence because to celebrate this historic release (and also some movie called CYBORG SOLDIER that comes out the same day) some guy who contacted me would like to give away exactly that, a KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY.

For some reason they won’t allow me to say the full lineup, but it’s a pretty good one that includes what I consider his most badass picture as well as his recent returning-to-form duo, which I bet most of you don’t own. Oh yeah, international readers, I assume these are probaly region 1 NTSC, not sure about that but be warned that’s a likelihood. For some reason the proprietors of this KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY chose me to give away their prize. I should probaly come up with something “fun” or “creative” to do with it, but I still feel guilty that that one guy broke his hand driving a monster truck just to win a Playstation 3 in that SEAGALOGY contest I hosted. So this one is gonna be simple and safe.

In the talkback below, please tell me why you feel YOU should win this KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY. Go ahead and be clever or whatever, but sincerity counts. At the end of the day on Friday I will choose one KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY WINNER and I will have to contact you through the talkback I guess so check back if you hope to win.

–Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/38558

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:04 p.m. CST

    I seriously got no idea.

    by DerLanghaarige

    But Seagalogy fucking rules!

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:06 p.m. CST

    And I am Region 2 and PAL anyway.

    by DerLanghaarige

    But I repeat: Seagalogy fucking rules!

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:11 p.m. CST

    I win!

    by Forsakyn

    Three words: Out for Justice. Now gimme, or I’ll go all William Forsythe on your ass (as long as you pretend to be the guy in the wheelchair)!

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:16 p.m. CST

    I should get it

    by Kneprock

    because I have never said anything mean about Script Girl.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:24 p.m. CST

    Just wondering…

    by Phantm_Cruisr

    And this is a great prize because…?

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:38 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by vic twenty

    I should be a candidate for this because I am not upgrading to Blu-Ray any time soon. At first it was a budgetary issue, but after reading this article it struck me that Blu-Ray probably isn’t the best format in which to watch these type of flicks anyway.

    Much like Steven Seagal, I have also put on weight in the past few years. I have adopted his weight loss method of wearing large, heavy coats in the dead of summer to sweat off those extra lbs. I can say that after 3 months of this he must eat as much as Michael Phelps to maintain his current size. I also started to slick my hair back out of necessity as I can’t stop sweating.

    In all seriousness, I like his movies but haven’t seem much of his DTV stuff. So it would be quite the learning experience, I’m sure.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 5:51 p.m. CST

    Still have not seen Ticker

    by Glenn

    Have gone and had a chance to watch a sizable chunk of Steven’s DTV movies with my new DVR. Have been trying to see Ticker for months now but I don’t have any premium channels which are the only stations Ticker is on. Regardless, of my recent viewings have been culled from SPIKE, TNT and the like where the crotch kicking is edited down to three blasts tops.

    Never realized how many melon farming cuss words Steven utters until you see the edited versions and I realized I have not been watching the pure cinematic DTV experience.

    If I were so lucky to be picked my Steven library would get a serious upgrade from what it is now which consists solely of Above the Law. Which, might I digress, has my favorite punch ever. Right to the chest, down goes that big bozo.

    Thats all she wrote. Would simply love to be the receptor of the movies. Nothing like eating a giant Fuji apple and watching Steven while my wife and 18 month old are asleep and I finally get some alone time.

    Later man,

    -Glenn

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 6:14 p.m. CST

    Pick me!

    by Newbs

    Vern, not only did I purchase your book, but I fact-checked it. That’s right, I read the book, loved it, and then read it again while watching most (but not all) of the films to experience it along with you. And, I didn’t find any errors! My dog-eared copy of Seagalogy sits on the coffee table in the den for everyone to admire, and I’ve recommended it to all my friends. Even if I don’t win the Kill Switch DVD Library, I’m just glad I get the chance to say thanks for writing such a badass book. The phrases “break your wrist” and “kick you through a plate-glass window” are now a part of my daily vernacular. Vern-acular. Awesome.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 6:15 p.m. CST

    I don’t want the DVDs Vern

    by Cedar_Room

    but will gladly accept any further PS3’s you might have lying around. I’m prepared to star in *any* sort of video to get it too. Desperate economic times call for desperate pornographic measures.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 6:22 p.m. CST

    Only one reason…

    by elsachmo

    Because, if you don’t pick me, I’ll use the intricate martial arts knowledge I’ve gained from watching Seagal movies to break your arm in seven different flavors!!

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Here’s Why

    by bullet3

    Because I truly believe Steven Seagal is above the Law. Frankly he deserves it considering how hard to kill he is. No matter how many times he’s under siege and marked for death, or how hard he’s submerged, he always just continues to go out for justice on deadly ground, dispensing his own personal brand of urban justice.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 6:51 p.m. CST

    Because Van Damme is a giant pussy!

    by the_arashikage

    Under Siege kicks Hard Target’s ass.

    Above the Law knocks Bloodsport in th balls.

    Out for Justice rapes Kickboxer.

    On Deadly Ground… well that one does suck.

    But if Seagal can stab Tommy Lee Jones in the head, then go fuck that hot blonde chick “Seagal Style,” I’ll forgive him that one mistake. Plus that ponytail is bad ass.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 7 p.m. CST

    Read no further

    by Zombieflicker

    Vern, I think I should win because maybe after I watch 11 Seagal movies I won’t think he’s as much of a pussy as I think he is now. Besides, everytime I read one of your posts, I almost think about purchasing your book. But then I don’t because I think Steven Seagal is a pussy, so again, if I watch 11 movies, maybe I’ll change my mind and purchase your book. The end.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 7:16 p.m. CST

    I think I should win Vern..

    by liljuniorbrown

    True story, Part of Under Seige was filmed in my home town. My uncle and a few other people I know personaly got to meet Steven Segal but I was too young to tag along to any of the events that he was present.Kind of spur of the moment “hey he’s hanging out at that bar by the hotel” kind of stuff. My uncle did get an autograph for me which he personlized saying “Always stay strong,mind body and soul,your friend Steven Segal”. Since then I’ve felt led to watch anything he stars in no matter what.From his disapointing(for me anyways) exit in Executive Decision,to just the other night when i watched Action Force at three in the morning because it was on cable. Got to love Segal.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 7:34 p.m. CST

    I wouldn’t mind perhaps winning the DVDs, sir…

    by Jackie Boy

    Because I have associates who, no matter what, won’t listen to me when I try to tell them to at least give some of the older Seagal motion pictures a chance. I tried lending them my copy of SEAGALOGY, to see if it’d convince them otherwise, but I still haven’t gotten the book back and I know for a fact they haven’t picked it up yet. I’d show them some of the movies but work is a bit hard to come by these days; with a shitty economy the last thing folks want to do is put an addition on their house. So needless to say, my budget just won’t allow me to make any major purchases of Seagal films to win over some haters. But anyways good luck with your contest here Vern and please, don’t ever change. Shit, I can’t believe I’ve been visiting the geocites site for almost a decade now. Your column you wrote the week after 9/11 just about made me cry. Keep on keepin’ on, brother.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 7:57 p.m. CST

    The Vern Revolution

    by opitrone

    Vern,

    I’ve e-mailed you before. We’ve talked. I have laid out my appreciation for your unique point of view and your expressive method of bringing truth to the people. I have stuck up for you on talk-backs and I even invited you to my wedding. But all of those reasons pale when faced with this, most important and most mind-boggling reason: I have never seen a Steven Seagal movie all the way through. I’ve seen them on USA Network, which let’s face it, is not really seeing them. I’ve seen them in bits and bobs at other people’s houses. But I have never watched Steven S. pulverize his way through a marauding force from start to finish without editing or commercial interruption.

    Now, I know that this makes me a cinematic neophyte, but I am seeking a way to turn myself around. I want to be turned around on this one and I think that this contest offers me that opportunity.

    Now, as you might know, I am in Okinawa, Japan. The Marine Corps put me here for one reason or another and I am finding it virtually impossible to find Mr. S’s fantastic, pony-tail cracking films on-island. I hope that this minor detail, combined with my ignorance of the aforementioned oeuvre, will sway the tide in my direction. If not, I will happily have a pick-up truck roll over my hand. Whatever it takes.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 8:04 p.m. CST

    I want to learn

    by Agent Blue

    11 Seagal movies is a grand reentrance into the world of S.S.. Seagal movies have changed my life. Under Siege introduced me to a fantastic pair of breasts and ushered me into that very special stage of puberty. Executive Decision showed me that no matter how bad ass an action hero, he is still human, vulnerable, and able to be killed. Very much in the way of Vygotsky’s theory of cultural mediation, Seagal helped me develop as a person, cognitively and socially. The least I can do for the man is to pay my respects to him by helping spread his filmography to my friends and family.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 8:09 p.m. CST

    I think opitrone should win

    by Jackie Boy

    Godspeed, sir.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9 p.m. CST

    Because…

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    I WANNA KNOW WHY RICHIE DID BOBBY LUPO! Plus, speaking of Out for Justice, a true story; A friend of mine got married and was moving into his new house. His wife took a sock out of his drawer and wanted to know why the hell it had a cue ball wrapped in it. He just looked at her and told her it was her it was his Out for Justice sock, and started laughing. And yes, we know Seagal used a towel in Out for Justice, but it’s the thought.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:02 p.m. CST

    I’d like the prize, please

    by Darth Busey

    I’m not going to suck your dick, Vern. I haven’t seen a Seagal film since “On Deadly Ground”. I do own “Songs From The Crystal Cave”, though (favorite track = “Better Man”. Winning this prize would allow me to familiarize myself with the second half of Seagal’s career which I’ve neglected to this point, and I’d enjoy watching these films for the first time with my 18 month old son. Afterwards, we’ll probably go out, get some ice cream, and break pool cues over low-level Mafioso heads. You know, father/son bonding stuff. Thanks for your consideration.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:04 p.m. CST

    I should win the DVD because . . .

    by SkidMarkedUndies

    I met Steven Seagal when I was a kid at a flea market. He was a real jerk to my friend and I, so much so that my friend’s mom told him off. He was so embarrassed by how he acted that he came by our table and acted all nice. I have the pictures to prove it. It would be justice to see him slum around in a pitiful DTV movie, for the 10 year old kid who he shued away like a barfly. After I watch the film and laugh my @$$ off, I will, out of spite and anger, smash the DVD to smithereens, in order to save anyone else the pain of having to suffer through it.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:09 p.m. CST

    Give me the Steve-uh-reeno!

    by Joey_Redballs

    I need that broken-nose, broken-arm, stabbed-in-the-armpit action. Right now, I have a 32-year-old Asian woman talking to me in baby talk right now, tweeking my privates, asking me about the bowel movement I had, continuing to tease me about typing, not reading what I’m writing, and now “raping my belly button” with her finger. Send me Steven Seagal now, God! I can provide photos as proof if required.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:20 p.m. CST

    I’m trying to stay as humble as usual, but I really think I dese

    by brakywaki

    I practically grew up in a small, independently owned video store for about the first ten years of my life. This place had an ungodly amount of films, and one of the largest action sections imaginable. Every Seagal film ever made up to that point was easily on display, and since childhood, I’ve been making a point since to try and see as many of those films as possible, NOT in truncated, butchered TNT movie of the week form.

    I’ve devoted far too much of my life to the appreciation of action films not quite understood by the general public. Having said that, I can’t recall the last Seagal film I’d watched to completion, despite how spectacular the titles may be (Today You Die is a current personal favorite).

    I’ve seen such obscure crap as the John Stamos/Gene Simmons 80s action epic known as Never Too Young To Die, featuring Stamos failing at an attempt as a newer, younger Bond-type character, and Simmons succeeding madly as a tranny/hermaphrodite terrorist with a nightclub act including lyrics such as “it takes a man like me to be a woman like me” and a plot to destroy the world’s water supply, or something to that matter. (By the way, whether I win this or not, FIND THIS FILM NOW. EVERYONE needs to see it. I’d even volunteer my own copy, so long as it can find further internet exposure.) I find it depressing that in a world where I’ve seen such obscure crap as this, I’ve managed to catch less than ten minutes of the surefire epic known as Half Past Dead. This is truly an outrage, the more I think about it.

    Although I haven’t seen nearly enough of this man’s work, I appreciate him. I’ve listened to his music. I’ve even played his unfinished SNES game, “Steven Seagal IS The Final Option”. I’ve been obsessing over getting ahold of Lightning Bolt ever since its initial announcement. But I need to see this films, and I need to see them now.

    If I win this set, I’m not going to watch them at my leisure. I’m not even going to watch them in under a week. I’m going to get together with a few of my closest friends, finally get around to ordering some cases of Steven Seagal’s Lighting Bolt, and watch each and every film in chronological order, and supply you with a full report of the epic marathon, film by film, detail by detail, ass-kicking by ass-kicking. I’ll be willing to even count how many people die at the hands of Seagal in each film if I have to (of course, I haven’t quite found a copy of Seagalogy yet, so for all I know all this has been chronicled). We’ll make this a spectacular experiment if you’d like. I’m up for anything, especially now that I can’t even afford to keep up with my Netflix account at the moment (I REALLY don’t know what I’m going to do without it, either).

    Vern, I’m pleading with you. As a starving cinephile, nothing could possibly quench my thirst while also imparting particular knowledge on how to kick an ass than winning this set.

    To paraphrase Mason Storm in Hard to Kill, I’m gonna win. You know why? Superior attitude. Superior state of mind.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:30 p.m. CST

    I deserve the prize because

    by Superturd

    I would’ve still eaten the bouillabaisse, Busey loog and all

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:34 p.m. CST

    ISBN-13 9781845769277, I bought TWO!!!

    by maxxsterling

    Seriously. Well, one for my brother. Anyhow. Aside from that, I could probably give you a laundry list longer than Seagal’s coats as to why I should score this set, but I’ll just give five. (Nice odd number.)

    1. C’mon. It’s Steven Seagal. Everything else is piss!

    Of course, I could stop there. But I would hate to be a liar, therefore increasing the risk of me being ” killed in my own kitchen”. So here are the other four…

    2)I could spend my days gloriously bathing in Steven Seagal’s dvd’s, biding my time until someone wises up and allows Seagal to write/direct/score/edit/cater/star in “Austin Travis: The Return: That’s Right Chumps, I’m Back!: ExD2” or at least double dip the “Executive Decision” dvd and include the deleted scene where, after being sucked out o’ the plane, and falling thousands of feet from the sky, he LANDS ON HIS FEET!

    3)It would almost make up for the fact that my penis has not been inside of Kelly LeBrock…YET!

    4)I love his sister, Katie.

    5)I’ve seen “Kill Switch” and I SINCERELY believe that(shitty editing aside) it is genius like The Gza! It’s like the “Southland Tales” of Steven Seagal flicks. And that ending? Wednesday Thursday Friday did that come from? Seriously. He out-Shymalan’d M. Night on that one. Personally, I think that ending should be tacked on to all Steven Seagal movies. Hell. It should be tacked on to every movie ever. Imagine, “A.I.” but with that ending just tacked on. Suddenly, a overlong P.O.S. becomes an overlong P.O.S. with Steven Seagal and boobies at the end of it. I love how he sends the kiddies off so he can get it on with his “wife”? In the immortal words of Christopher Lambert, “Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.”

    But in all seriousness, I, like yourself, am a dtv freak. I don’t know what’s on this set, but I have seen all of Seagal’s movies since Above The Law, but don’t have the scrilla to actually buy them all (Unless you count an old VHS copy of Hard To Kill I used to have back in the day.), so this sounds like a killer deal. So thanks for listening.

    If all that didn’t convince you, remember… I did buy two copies of you book. (Smooch. Smooch.)

    Peace

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:34 p.m. CST

    Hrmmm…

    by macheesmo3

    One of the first R rated films I watched with my dad was Above the Law. It’s funny because I wasn’t a young guy back then , but it just never seemd to work out that I ended up watching a restricted film with him . I remember thinking that it seemed a lot like Code of Silence and only later on when I really began to get into the research of films did I relaize that it was the same director with the basically the same side cast. Great fun and IMO the best use of Seagals talent to date .

    So just a week or so after seeing that film ( on HBO no less ) I saw it on VHS at the local Mom and Pop video store . I picked it up for a song and gave it to my dad for one of his stocking presents that Christmas . He kept it for years and it was a movie we would watch together every once in awhile when I would either stop in or was home during college summers . Eventually , he moved on to DVD ( way before I did I was broke ! )and I was given most of VHS collection . Tons of great 80’s action films ( all of Seagal’s efforts up to Under Siege ) and they were some of my favorite films to throw in on rainy nights down here in south Mississippi ( of which there are many ).

    Eventually I moved on to dvd , but being young and poor I didn’t double dip . Sure the quality was better , but there was some of me in those grainy VHS tapes ! I had avoided double dipping on most of my collection until the fateful day of Aug 29th of 2005. Katrina . i got 6 feet of water in my house and though all of my DVD’s got wet , they at least , survived after a bit of careful cleaning . The VHS tapes? Not so lucky . So , I would appreciate winning this contest as I would love to replace all those fun memories of watching Seagal’s bone crushing kinda of attitude adjustment again in wonderous DVD! Thanx !

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Choose me please…

    by byronimation

    It is my life’s quest to fight Steven Seagal and I need a library of his films to study his moves.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 10:20 p.m. CST

    Seagal showed me my first “boobs in a movie” with UnderSiege2

    by George Newman

    My father had rented UNDER SIEGE 2 and we(w/mother and brothers) were going to watch it after dinner. The moment in the film came in which those satellite nerds are scoping out the chick on the beach; the woman laid face down and my thought was “Surely she’s not going to turn over.” She does, and the satellite image is zoomed in on just one breast, and for me, i didn’t completely understand what i was looking at. And before i could process it my mom had got mad at my dad and they fast-forwarded the tape.
    So anyway, hardly “coming of age” but it was certainly a milestone and I owe it all to Seagal. I want this collection bad. He was a good pal to me, like that friend we all had who secretively showed us that first SportsIllustrated Swimsuit Edition.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 10:25 p.m. CST

    I think I should win, Vern….

    by Damonster

    …because I thought he was a remarkably lazy martial artist until I realized aikido is mostly a stationary throwing style. I employ the same style in drunken brawls with regrettable ends! That, and because I share a similar life arc as Mason Storm should be reason enough, huh!?

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 10:30 p.m. CST

    “And there’s a part about a dead clown”.

    by F-18

    That sentence made me bust out laughing.

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 11:28 p.m. CST

    Why I should win

    by cdlestrange

    I work at a large bookstore in New York City. A couple of weeks after we received Seagalogy, it came time to make my selection for the store’s Staff Picks display, and I knew what I had to do. At this point the only copy we had sold was the one I’d bought. This was mostly because whatever dick at the corporate office who decides these things didn’t deem it a worthy enough release to be prominently displayed at the front of the store next to shit like The Secret. In its month-long run as my staff pick, thanks to its new location near the front door and the enthusiastic blurb I wrote for it, it sold nine more copies. I was pretty psyched by this, and the girl in charge of the display told me it was the best selling staff pick of the month (although she apparently wasn’t impressed enough by this for me to successfully score with her). I don’t mean to suggest by telling this story that you in any way owe me. I made Seagalogy my pick because I loved it and knew others would if it was given a chance. But now that I see this contest is going, I don’t think it would be inappropriate for you to throw some free DVDs my way after giving your book a boost (especially since I didn’t see a dime from it and it didn’t get me laid).

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 11:37 p.m. CST

    Do you have a copy of Pray for Death?

    by hamslime

    I’d like to win that. I’ll probably buy Kill Switch and I don’t need 11 more copies of Executive Decision.
    Seriously though… What do I have to do to win a copy of Pray for Death?

  • Sept. 30, 2008, 11:52 p.m. CST

    I just enjoy the balls out of this s–t.

    by gotadventure

    Hi Vern,

    I just wanted to start off by saying thanks to you, you know just for being you and to the corporate overlords who are giving away the DVD’s. Sure corporate overlord-types seem to run the planet starting wars, raping kittens and generally doing things they resolutely do not tell their parents about but I myself am a bit a corporate whore (so who am I to judge?) and honestly, when they are nice enough to giveaway free stuff, I think it probably all balances out. I just wanted to start this message (Plea? Threat? Whine?) in a nice friendly manner just so you know that even if I don’t win the DVD’s you don’t have to be afraid that I’ll be posting rude comments about the size (or lack there of) of you or the corporate overload’s genitalia or you know setting like- oh I dunno, chemical warfare laced flaming sacks of dog poo on your front porch and THEN waiting to laugh not while you stamp out the flaming poo but laughing a few days later when the chemical

    warfare agents make your feet off. Can you say hilarity ensued? (Boy, I should could then!) But I would never do that and I just wanted you to know that I would never do that. But I digress.

    Basically, you know when Steven (And I know YOU do but think of all the poor sad, son of bitches who don’t this question is for them. (Also I think I’m breaking some sort of rule of good writing by putting a parenthesis inside of a parenthesis, but life is tough. You start out writing nice sentences and then you get hooked on the parenthesis.)(I just digressed again!)) what I started to say was you know when MR. Seagal takes a part of some evil or just annoying person’s body and twists it in ways even God never imagined or like in that one movie of his Shadow Man where at the end a guy points a gun at him and since Mr. Seagal is pretty much just tired of shooting things and instead squats down and then pushes the guy so hard, with just the force of his Segal-ness, that the man hits a wall and leaves a bloody trail? Well, basically, I just enjoy the balls out of that shit and would like to see more of that. So that’s it.

    Thanks,

    Vern.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:05 a.m. CST

    I need ’em for laying the foundations of future generations.

    by The Real McClane

    When I was in high school, Travis Dane (played by Eric Bogosian) spoke one of the most important lines to me that I’ve ever heard in my life.

    Editor’s note: In some ways, by the way, Casey Ryback was more important to me than my own father. (Mostly because my dad didn’t have the inherent ability to aikido chop a motherfucker’s head through a wall.)

    When I heard the words, “Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. It makes an ass out of YOU… not me,” my entire life became completely enlightened. That was some seriously powerful shit, man.

    I don’t know if you people can really understand the social significance of that line, but I sure as hell did. To this very day, that powerful, earth-shattering line from “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory” has echoed in my brain, every single time I think one of my bitches is holding out money from me.

    I just don’t assume, man. Never do. Those bitches have problems just like we all do. Hell, the economy is for shit these days. Why should I assume they’ve been up to tomfoolery??

    In the end, I would devote my life to preserving this library for generations to come… to teach the kids all kinds of important lessons from this man’s career. Sure, Seagal is a miracle worker who can heal the sick and stand up to anything from environmental terrorism to crucifying serial killers… but his accompanying cast also deserves some major props.

    It’s just like my man Screwface said back in 1990 when Seagal was Marked for Death…”Everybody want go heaven. Nobody want dead. Afraid.”

    ‘Ole Basil Wallace never knew just how right he was.

    Gimmie them DVDs, fool. Sometime down the road, you might be seeking vengeance because you were recently dicked over by heroin-selling crooked cops. You know who’ll be able to help you out?

    My future, unborn fucking son who’s seen the entire Kill Switch Steven Seagal DVD Library and knows how to dish out the kind of justice you’ll be searching for, that’s who.

    Think of it as an investment to your very future, dickwad. You think you can outrun those vicious drug-dealing covert military assassins forever? I think you know the right decision to make. Follow your heart, son.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:02 a.m. CST

    C4

    by mojorisn

    I know what it smells like, and I know what it blows like.

    Plus, if I find out I didn’t win, I’ll kill you in your own kitchen.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:17 a.m. CST

    Perfect Present for my Dad’s 80th Birthday!

    by specadmin

    When I was a kid, my Dad used to take me to Seagal movies: Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Under Siege. Kind of a father-son bonding thing: let’s go see this guy Aikido kick some ass together (and don’t tell Mom) Now my Dad is turning 80, we’re throwing the big family get together shindig, and I don’t know what the hell to get for him for the big birthday party. Hm, a KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY??? That sounds perfect! I’ll wrap it up in some pink paper with flowers and bunnies on it, and he’ll think oh fuck some book or History of the Romans DVD set or some other useless gift that he’ll never get around to using and he’ll prepare the fake smile which will then turn into a real one as he rips off the paper and YES it’s a fucking KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY and his eyes will light up as he remembers a more youthful time in the late 80’s and early 90’s when he was taking his kid to the movies to see Seagal kick ass in his prime. Extra bonus, the look on my sister’s face who has completely disapproved of our Seagal habit over the years, who is probably giving him a Dr. Seuss “You’re Only Old Once!” book or something else he’ll probably have to pretend to like, and she will roll her eyes and say “I can’t BELIEVE you got him THAT for his 80th birthday!” Then when the party’s over he’ll look at me and grin and say “So – how about we crack that awesome that gift?” and we’ll sit down in front of the TV and relive old times together. This would also work out well as I have to fly my ass cross-country along with my family to get to my Dad’s birthday party, and with the whole country going to hell in a handbasket thing that’s been going on over the past few years that’s getting pretty pricey, so would be nice to have the gift taken care of. Thanks, Vern!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:18 a.m. CST

    “unfinished SNES game”

    by Shan

    Just out of interest, how do you play an unfinished computer game? Was it released that way?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:35 a.m. CST

    “unfinished SNES game”

    by brakywaki

    It’s just a leaked version of a game that nobody decided to release because, despite the wonderful digitized graphics, it was rather lacking in the “good gameplay” department.

    This video could give you a better idea of the game than words ever could.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVVCnW2feDM

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:26 a.m. CST

    Why I deserve it…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Back in 1990 or 1991, half a life-time ago, I got my first writing gig, as a music writer for a college magazine. My best friend Jay and I got free tickets to various local gigs.

    One cold early-winter night we ended up in Newport, in un-sunny South Wales with tickets to see… Mr. Big. For those too young to know who Mr. Big are, well there are some advantages to youthful ignorance.

    Anyway, we got in and Jay immediately managed to find the impossible, a hot female member of security. Jay kinda resembled Michael Hutchence, so he had no problem with the ladies.

    The venue had a bar, so we hit it, but had barely enough for a drink to nurse each. Then everyone left to watch Mr. Big, and we started to get ready when a sudden realization hit us. Everyone who had gone to watch the band had left their drinks behind. Some were barely touched, there was every kind of beer, wine and spirit.

    I looked at Jay, “It couldn’t hurt to have a little drink, I mean they are just abandoned…”

    30 minutes later we are absolutely mind-blowingly crucified, as drunk as a couple of guys in their late teens (me) or early 20s (Jay) could possibly be. Hot female security guard shows up, and somehow we manage to get her to start drinking with us, and before you know it Jay has convinced her to show us her tits. At that exact point the venue manager walked in, to see 2 guys with press passes around their neck, a 20-something venue employee minus a top, and a table full of empty glasses.

    So 25 seconds later Jay and I are forcibly removed and given a life-time ban from the venue. No idea what happened to the hot chick. We stand around in the cold for a while, and it slowly occurs to us that we actually don’t have a way to get home, or in fact know anyone within 50 miles of where we are.

    So, in our drunken genius, we come up with a foolproof idea, we will find out where Mr. Big’s tour bus is and when they come out convince them to let us crash on it. Of course this will take us further away from home, but at least we would be warm, and we could figure out what to do when we were sober.

    An hour or so later out troop Mr. Big, amazingly free of adoring fans, they look very old and are wearing spandex. At the age I was then, it was almost like seeing my dad in spandex. It was very, very wrong.

    We put our plan to them, and they tell us to go fuck ourselves. We try looking cute and Jay proclaims we are in fact just like Victorian orphans, and they were obliged to help us. Amazingly this doesn’t work and we are threatened with physical violence, I am fairly sure I could take them, but they have roadies, so we beat a strategic retreat.

    We eventually end up convincing some less than perfect 10 young ladies to let us crash at their place. But to this day I carry a deep hatred of Mr. Big.

    So what has this to do with Steven Seagal? Well probably nothing. Unless Mr. Big were on a soundtrack of any of his movies, and I don’t think so. It is possible he may have been referred to as a ‘Mr. Big’ in one of his movies, it sounds like the kinds thing that would happen.

    Still, I told this story because I believe my second best Mr. Big story is worthy of repayment with Seagal goodness. Yes, it is my second best, the better story involves a Mr. Big tribute band performing in a tiny bar in Amsterdam, it also involves Jay, a huge amount of Marijuana, hallucinations, the communal shower of a hostel and the sight of the lead singer of a Mr. Big tribute band stopping mid-song (yes it was ‘To be with you’ sung with dutch accent) to jump onto my table, kick over my pitcher of beer and threaten to kill me.

    I’m saving that story for the complete Criterion collection giveaway…

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 5:03 a.m. CST

    What does it take to win this box set?

    by welshcakes

    Fellow Seagalogists…

    There are many reasons why I believe I am the most deserving of this magnificent prize. Among them the fact that I have seen every one of his movies, I have both his albums and listen to them regularly, I have an Exit Wounds cap which I wear in public, I bought Vern’s book and enjoyed it heartily and that I went to see him live in concert and met him afterwards (the most important 5 seconds of my life).

    But above all this, the number one reason why I think I deserve this box set over all others, is the fact that I used to study Aikido and my instructor was actually trained by Steven Seagal himself in Japan. Which makes me a genuine, bona-fide cock-punching student of the great man! I rest my case.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 5:23 a.m. CST

    I should win because…

    by rost

    Nobody has ever heard of Steven Seagal in Switzerland. So after watching the KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY I could spread the word about the teachings of the almighty Steven.

    I also have a regionfree player…

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 5:48 a.m. CST

    Nobody should win

    by FatSeagal

    One person’s need for Seagal cannot be greater than another man’s, for all men are equal. However, saying that, the DVD’s would find a welcome home with me.

    I also cook.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 6:28 a.m. CST

    I should win because

    by Laserhead

    I was one of the first people to buy an old-school, self-published copy of Seagalogy, and I devoured it hungrily over a long weekend where I also drank a few bottles of Jameson and more or less invented my own martial arts system. Then I rented Belly of the Beast. Then I woke up in Houston. I was curled around a telephone pole for the little pool of shade it afforded. A Mexican offered to help me up and I kicked him in the crotch, just as a reflex. I’m not a violent person, so overall I think my immersion in Seagalogy actually changed me as a person. There’s now pre-Seagal and post-Seagal. Also, bought three more copies of the original book for friends who I thought could use a little culture. How can you see the soul of a man? Through his actions.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 6:55 a.m. CST

    Give it to me!

    by Dazzler69

    So I can flip on ebay for 99 cents.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 8:08 a.m. CST

    Vern, here’s a list of every Seagal movie I’ve ever seen

    by Yeah I Wrote That

    1. Under Siege. 2. Executive Decision. That is all. As a fan of yours, I really want to read (i.e buy) your book, but I just can’t justify it without seeing more Seagal. Give it to me so I can know what you’re talking about and not just laugh at the funny words!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 8:13 a.m. CST

    Because I could, in fact, get a boner in front of a bear, Vern.

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 8:16 a.m. CST

    Also, I own ALL of his music on CD.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    And it’s great.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 9:58 a.m. CST

    I like free shit. So send me some!

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    Go on Vern. You know using them as coasters for beers is actually doing the DVD’s a favour. At least this way they will provide some use in life. ;)
    Your too gay for Segal. Its not mis understood art, or even guilty pleasure. Shit, you should become a Uwe Boll fan. Its in the same ball park lol
    Apart from you blind love of the fat, taltentless and humourless fucker – you’re a quality read :)

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 10:57 a.m. CST

    I should win

    by NoahTall

    I should win because there is no way I would ever buy these. Sure Segal was great in his first couple of movies but after that I just gave up on the thought of wasting money on his lackluster efforts. So maybe having an entire set of his disaster movies (oops, I mean movie disasters) can convince me to give him another try.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 11:38 a.m. CST

    I should get the set

    by subtlety

    Because, in an amazing coincidence, I am also a Memphis detective with two distinct last names and a wandering accent, who lost a twin to a murder and subsequently apparently lived a double life while fighting random people for no reason in pursuit of two seperate and unrelated serial killers.

    And because you too kinda believe some of the quasi-mystical claims Mr. Seagal has made about himself.

    Also, I bought your book. But it won’t get here until Nov. because I am saving money by having it shipped with my copy of “Bender’s Game”. So in the meantime, I have one whole month to try to watch every Seagal movie I can get my hands on before I really start to delve into what it all means. Can’t wait!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 11:46 a.m. CST

    I bought your book Vern

    by Lone_Wolf_McQuaalude

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 11:49 a.m. CST

    btw, the idea Maxxsterling suggests….

    by subtlety

    is a fantastic one. I believe the U.S. Constitution should be specifically altered to require that every commercial film made in the United States has the ending to “Kill Switch” tacked onto it. The fact that neither presidential candidate addresses this issue just shows how bankrupt our political discourse really is. But seriously, Maxxsterling gets my vote. Although Brakywaki makes a pretty strong case too. Or me, you know, whatever.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, noon CST

    I should win because I constantly defend Seagal….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …on AICN. I can pull up examples on previous TB’S. I have been a fan my entire life!! I have pimped the hell out of Pistol Whipped, trying to convince people to check it out. I assured them this one didn’t have dubbing by some random guy with a deep voice that sounds nothing like Seagal (ala Attack Force). I don’t defend him in a poke fun at him sort of way. I defend him by saying he would rip Jason Bourne’s fucking head off and eat it.
    I know we have had our differences in the past– but our mutual love for the pony-tailed one has always remained. If Pistol Whipped is in the pack…then I gotta get my hands on this thing man. I was gonna buy it anyway, but if it comes with 10 other titles then FUCK YES.

    Give a brotha’ a chance man….I don’t win shit on this site. Not even a damn soundtrack from Scorekeeper (I enter every damn time.) I was gonna enter a Seagal video to try and win the PS3, but I was crunched for a deadline on something else and I couldn’t get enough editing time in to put something together….
    I’m being completely genuine when I say this DVD pack won’t be shoved in some drawer or locked away in a back room at my house….it will be displayed prominently between two book ends in the shape of fists (I really do own these) on my mantle, right next to the first edition printing of The Stars My Destination.

    Come on!! Do it for me….do it for Danny Glover…do it for Seagal…and most importantly, do it for America!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:23 p.m. CST

    revenge

    by Spandau Belly

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:34 p.m. CST

    Let’s cut the crap.

    by Archive

    I am an alcoholic ex-CIA agent, sworn never to kill again. What I will do is break as many faces as it takes to rescue my teenage daughter from the terrorist industrialists holding her captive.

    It hurts me. It hurts so bad. All I can do about my hurt is hurt those bastards even worse, and sit my ass down and play the blues when it’s done and over. Who knows my pain, Vern? Who knows but Steven Seagal?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:37 p.m. CST

    I vote DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD wins

    by hamslime

    I think he may kill himself otherwise. It also turned on my heart light when I read it.
    GO DANNY GO!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:39 p.m. CST

    bless you, hamslime.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:41 p.m. CST

    YOU CREMATED NOW MUTHA’ FUCKA!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 12:46 p.m. CST

    You’re welcome sir.

    by hamslime

    I just read everything you had written and replaced Steven Seagal with Sho Kosugi. It read to me as honest and heartfelt.
    Besides “I’m being completely genuine when I say this DVD pack won’t be shoved in some drawer or locked away in a back room at my house….it will be displayed prominently between two book ends in the shape of fistS” is pure poetry.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:13 p.m. CST

    Vern, give it to DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Best response by a mile.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:14 p.m. CST

    “.it will be displayed prominently between two book ends in the

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Genius

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:15 p.m. CST

    shape of fists”

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:28 p.m. CST

    My two cents Vern

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    When one looks back on the landscape of 80’s karate action you look at Seagal as taking the mantle.

    He took the next few steps upon the staircase which Norris erected and with his quips and unique fighting style, placed not only added heights, but laid a tiger-print carpet upon them.

    Only Seagal could overcome chase scenes in which he ran like a girl with his fists making small circles in front if him.

    He was also a pioneer in the recent trend of going green, as his powerful performance in On Deadly Ground raised much concern over our wasteful disregard of mother nature’s gifts.

    He even gave us an early glimce of a bloated Billy Bob Thorton in that movie, who used Seagal’s gift to push ahead and give us Sling Blade.

    Seagal also gave a dream sequence featured female nudity. What a guy!

    Seagal also presented me with a speech at the end of the film questioning the motives of the oil industry, which led to my immediatly writing them on why they were sitting on such valuable technology as cars that could run on water and solar energy that could power cities.

    Al Gore should bow down and kiss the deadly weapon known as Seagal’s right hand.

    I also want to express my gratitude to Seagal for closing the racial barrier by teaming up with prominent black actors such as Keenan Ivory Wayans in the Glimmerman and DMX in Exit Wounds.

    I would have never known the acting abilities of these gentlemen had it not been for Seagal.

    In closing, it would be a crime for America not to praise the many treasures to which Seagal has given us and make sure he will always live on through his many efforts to make the world a better place.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:34 p.m. CST

    I would lie some free stuff please, sir.

    by zombieslayer

    I always loved Segal, and his theatrical run was during my teens, but I haven’t really kept up with his dvd films. I try and pick them up used sometimes at amoeba, but they don’t stay in stock long. I know you can’t say the line up, but Marked for Death was always a favorite of mine, and while i own a few of his movies, I don’t have that one. Good luck picking a winner, and if i win, i will force my roommates to watch the entire collection with me.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Can we all get behind some quotes from Seagal

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    I’ll start.

    “I’m going to take you to the bank. The blood bank!”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:37 p.m. CST

    why I deserve this

    by macgruder

    As a constant and undying fan of Seagal, I have never looked down upon him. I have seen his movies, including the ones that went to video and no longer starred him in the action scenes. I have gone through long hair and short, yet always slicked back. I have bought his music albums, attempted to get tickets to see him and his band play live. I have even bought his lightning drink from Walmart and drank it without complaining. I have an undying fanaticism with one of the founding american martial art movie stars. I am a Steven Seagal fan. Forever.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:39 p.m. CST

    Give it to the Bloodmeister, Vern

    by Hawaiian Organ Donor

    Daniel has indeed defended the backfat out of Seagal for as long as I can remember.
    I gave Pistol Whipped a honest effort and halfway through I hit the x2 button on the remote and twice as fast it was still painful. But Danny held fast and stood by your side defending that turd when lesser men would have been rummaging through a kitchen drawer for something to pluck their eyes out with.
    So I nominate Dickblood because he’ll take a bullet or six for the team.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:41 p.m. CST

    Yeah! Vote Dickblood in ’08!!

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    I was just writing that because of pure love of Seagal.

    Danny needs the DVD’s, as I already own them and have them arranged neatly under my Seagal shrine.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:41 p.m. CST

    How to Act like Steven Seagal….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …I do not claim credit for this. It is an article I found on Wikihow…….if its not gonna be me, then I suggest you give the DVD set to the guy that wrote this. Its fucking awesome.

    ————————————————-

    Here’s how to be like the dalai lama of ass kickin’, Steven Seagal.

    Steps —

    Get the dress sense right:

    Get a nice, quality, leather jacket. This will improve your ability to carry out the martial arts moves you know nothing about, simply because it “feels Seagal”.

    If you are not wearing the leather jacket, you must wear a floral design shirt or one of those creepy silk vests seagal wears (eg: a kimono). This will never ever get ripped or torn in any way, because Seagal’s clothes are invincible.

    Snakeskin boots…Chuck Norris does it, but Seagal does it so much better.

    Get the look:

    Jet black ponytail so gelled up with assorted hair products it never moves….not even on top of a moving train.

    Never smile. You must look serious, dangerous and like you’ve just found out you’ve got rectal cancer. Seagal never smiles…..ever.

    Adjust your personality:

    You’re a loose cannon, a wreckless psycho, a chef. Everything you say must be threatening or sarcastic. Never express any emotions such as happiness, sadness. Only anger…always anger.

    Speak in a low, sexy voice. Remember to speak low and sexy enough so nobody can understand a word you are saying. This is the key to Seagal-like intimidation.

    Know your moves:

    Never ever make noises or screams when you are attacking your enemy. Seagal never does this in any movie.

    Pull the “Seagal face” while in a fight. Simply tuck your lower lip in under your upper teeth and look really, really focused. This is the face of determination. (Note: Remember to flex your eyebrows.)

    Use novelty items to beat your opponents. Seagal has used brushes, cleavers, even household plants to knock down his foes. Just be creative!

    Plan the perfect fight:

    Make sure as you fight that you have a large number of enemies. As you attack each one, the others must dance around menancingly until it is his turn to get smashed up.

    Have one of your friends bring a stereo (preferably a boom-box). Yes, as you fight there must be some heavy bass-oriented track in the background. Remember the following: hard techno music for fighting random punks and heavy metal for fighting bikers, goths, emos, etc.

    Use one liners. Say something witty as you smash up your foes. Such as, after breaking a rake off someone’s face, say something like “You just went out with the leaves” or “What do you think of my gardening?”

    Tips —

    Watch every Seagal movie back to back. This will suitably disrupt your own personality enough for your mind to absorb the “Seagalyness”.

    Listen to songs from The Crystal Cave. It has hidden lyrics that will warp your mind (e.g. “Girl It’s Alright” is not about a girl Seagal lost, but a girl who had a restraining order placed on him).

    You must never run. However, if you need to run, keep your elbows to your side and wrists limp as you quickly run with shorter than normal steps. Catch your opponent quickly so as not to emphasize your run.

    Pummel your opponents with clever puns and catch phrases such as “You’ve run into trouble now, son.”

    [edit] Warnings —

    Pick your fights well. You are not really Seagal and will probably get your ass kicked.

    Try to avoid the real Seagal while in your own Seagal mode. He will probably kick your ass harder than you’ve been kicked before. But thinking about it..who would win a Seagal vs. Seagal fight?

    You can only pretend to be Seagal if one of the following has happened to you:

    Your wife/cat/brother/friend was murdered by terrorists/corrupt policeman/old friend, etc.

    You were put in a coma by your arch nemesis and you have awoken seeking revenge on him and all of his associated friends/family/pets, etc.

    You must know how to throw a punch or kick.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:41 p.m. CST

    What does it take to change a man?

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    “Time..I need time…”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:46 p.m. CST

    Seagal quotes….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    This recent exchange from Pistol Whipped is fucking hilarious….

    Fine Dark Skinned Honey: ……..and years later I finally realize what I really needed to do was grow a dick….

    Seagal (in a whisper): Well, I would probably like you a lot less with a dick.

    She laughs.

    Seagal (seriously thinking about it): Especially if it was bigger than mine.

    Fine Dark Skinned Honey (not a hint of humor): I don’t think that’s possible.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:48 p.m. CST

    quote from Exit Wounds……

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    After breaking the desk in two during anger management class….

    SEAGAL: You see this? This is a happy face. You’ll be lucky to ever have a face as happy as this.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:50 p.m. CST

    My side is hurting from laughing

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Thank you Danny!

    Goddamn give Dickblood the DVDs now! Fuck waiting until Friday.

    Dickblood in ’08!!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:51 p.m. CST

    …and that wasn’t a talkback typo.

    by zombieslayer

    It’s not that I’d LIKE free stuff.

    I’d LIE FREE STUFF, man.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Also don’t forget Seagal tips

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Teach your neice to dig her thumb into attackers cheek.

    Unless it some ex-military baddass, then nevermind.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:56 p.m. CST

    best Seagal line from Hard To Kill:

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    “This is for my wife. Fuck you and die! ”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 1:57 p.m. CST

    Danny Dickblood

    by zombieslayer

    really is in top form. Where did you get fist shaped bookends?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2 p.m. CST

    a list of Seagal character names….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I dunno why. Just for fucking fun…

    Nico Toscani

    Mason Storm

    Gino Felino

    Casey Ryback

    Forrest Taft

    Austin Travis

    Jack Cole

    Wesley McClaren

    Orin Boyd

    Frank Glass

    Sasha Petrosevitch

    Jonathan Cold

    William Lansing

    Harlan Banks

    John Sands

    Simon Ballister

    Ruslan Drachev

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:01 p.m. CST

    zombieslayer

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    They were a gift years ago. I don’t know where they came from. They are still in the box, and shall remain in the box UNLESS I win this DVD pack!!!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Give it to DannyGlovers_Dickblood

    by Xiphos_2

    C’mon Vern its the right thing to do even though I’m troubled by the fist shaped books.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:04 p.m. CST

    example of Seagal making the world a better place….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    ….from On Deadly Ground.

    “I’d like to start out by saying, thank you to all the brothers and sisters that have come here today representing this cause. I have been asked by Mr. Itok and the tribal council to speak to you and the members of the Press about the injustice that has been brought against us by some Government Officials and Big Business. How many of you out there have heard of alternative engines? Engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage or water. Or carburetors that can get hundreds of miles to the gallon. Or electric or magnetic engines, that can practically run forever. You don’t know about them because if they were to come into use, they’d put the oil companies out of business. The concept of the internal combustion engine has been obsolete for over fifty years. But because of the Oil Cartels and corrupt government regulation, we and the rest of the world have been forced to use gasoline for over a hundred years. Big Business is primarily responsible for destroying the water we drink, the air we breathe and the food we eat. They have no care for the world they destroy, only for the money they make in the process. How many oil spills can we endure? Millions and millions of gallons of oil are now destroying the ocean and the many forms of life it supports. Among these is plankton, which supplies sixty to ninety percent of the Earth’s oxygen. This supports the entire marine ecosystem which forms the basis of our planet’s food supply. But the plankton is dying. I thought, well, let’s go to remote state or country, anywhere on Earth. But in doing a little research I realized that these people broker toxic waste all over the world. They basically control the legislation, and, in fact, they control the Law. The Law says, “no company can be fined over $25,000 a day.” For companies making $10,000,000 dollars a day by dumping lethal toxic wastes into the ocean, it’s only good business to continue doing this. They influence the media so that they can control our minds. They have made it a crime to speak out for ourselves, and if we do so we’re called “conspiracy nuts” and we’re laughed at. We’re angry because we’re all being chemically and genetically damaged, and we don’t even realize it. Unfortunately, this will effect our children. We go to work each day and right under our noses we see our car and the car in front of us spewing noxious poisonous gasses that are all accumulative poisons. These poisons kill us slowly, even when we see no effect. How many of us would have believed if we were told twenty years ago that on a certain day we wouldn’t be able to see fifty feet in front of us. That we wouldn’t be able to take a deep breath because the air would be a mass of poisonous gas. That we wouldn’t be able to drink out of our faucets, that we’d have to buy water out of bottles. Our most common and God-given rights have been taken away from us. Unfortunately, the reality of our lives is so grim that nobody wants to hear it. Now, I’ve been asked what we can do? I think we need a responsible body of people that can actually represent us rather than Big Business. This body of people must not allow the introduction of anything into our environment that is not absolutely biodegradable or able to be chemically neutralized upon production. And finally, as long as there is profit to be made from polluting the Earth, companies and individuals will continue to do what they want. We have to force these companies to operate safely and responsibly, and with all our best interests in mind. So that when they don’t, we can take back our resources and our hearts and our minds and do what’s right. ”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:36 p.m. CST

    wait, wait, wait!

    by just pillow talk

    How could you do that Hawaiian? Did you see fatso make breakfast for the hot chick? Did you see him do “surveillance” from atop the building just as the dude he’s supposed to pop drives away? What about the touching peanut butter & jelly sandwich moment with the daughter? Fatso trying to hide behind the headstone? The ponytailed one just sitting around the table being large?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:37 p.m. CST

    These Seagal TB’s always turn into lovefests.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    I love it. The uniting power of Seagalogy is awesome. Or as Screwface says, “Theee magic ees everyweere”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:40 p.m. CST

    oh shit…

    by just pillow talk

    Just read that post of yours Danny from Wikihow. I’m absolutely dying over here…can’t stop crying from laughter. The running bit really put me over the edge.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:40 p.m. CST

    watch out Sarah Palin….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    You fuck with Alaskan wildlife….you FUCK WITH SEAGAL!!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:42 p.m. CST

    He can remake On Deadly Ground!

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    That thing would generate billions in ticket sales.

    Replace Caine with Palin though.

    Seagal + enviormental message = $$$

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:45 p.m. CST

    I did it for the good of humanity, Pillow

    by Hawaiian Organ Donor

    The movie should have been called Dignity Whipped as that was the only thing that took a beating in the film.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:45 p.m. CST

    On Endangered Ground

    by just pillow talk

    Seagal saves the Polar Bears!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:46 p.m. CST

    Aw, he was sort of great in it

    by just pillow talk

    It could have been called “Cool Whipped”. Cause he was cool. Sort of.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Speaking of a Kill Switch

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    I offered to let my uncle ride a horse of mine named Skipper.

    He looked at the horse, took a long drag off his doobie and looked at me and said “I don’t ride anything that dosn’t have a kill switch.”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 2:58 p.m. CST

    Fuck yes!! We’re on the Top Talkbacks!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:08 p.m. CST

    Seagal needs to play a Bond villain…….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    And the end battle needs to be mean ass hand to hand, messy, violent, sloppy ass-kicking. No weapons. Just fucking fists.

    I’m making a damn petition…

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:10 p.m. CST

    We need a Q&A with Seagal

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Each submit a question.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:13 p.m. CST

    Bond would distract him with a catering truck

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    And lock the door when Seagal went in.

    But of course Seagal, after devouring everything edible (including the driver), would kick open the back door and deadpan…”Look like your the dessert.”

    Bond raises one eyebrow and is instantly engulfed by a ravenous maw.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:17 p.m. CST

    Question 1

    by Stuntcock Mike

    How much would you charge to throw me out of a window?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:18 p.m. CST

    Question 2

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    How does it feel to be able to sleep with any woman you choose?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:21 p.m. CST

    Question 3

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    I know you really survived the docking accident in Executive Decision, so my question is did you get the rest of that weekend off, or did you have to report back to base after you landed without a parachute and dusted yourself off?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Question 3

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    True or false…….you once called The Brim (Wilford Brimley) a pussy and spat on his favorite pair of cowboy boots at a Utah Jazz game.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:23 p.m. CST

    ok…mine is Question 4….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:24 p.m. CST

    Hollywood should make a Segal movie where all he does

    by Xiphos_2

    Is run. It would make five hundred million the opening weekend. I guran-damn-tee that would happen.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Much as it would be cool to win…

    by Archive

    …I think we gotta hand it to our brother in the Armed Forces, over in Japan. Come home soon, mate!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Question 5

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Did you or did you not impregnate Mother Earth? And is global warming just hot flashes?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:26 p.m. CST

    Seagal to remake Miracle Mile

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    He can run and kick ass in prison.

    Win, win.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:28 p.m. CST

    we need to start another petition….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …to get Mr. Seagal in some more Mountain Dew commercials. That commerical is a fucking classic man…..for those who haven’t seen it:

    http://tinyurl.com/5mok6n

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:32 p.m. CST

    Seagal needs to get into theater….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I would love to see him play the role of Jaime in “Long Day’s Journey Into Night.”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:34 p.m. CST

    He needs to rename his band

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    to A Flock of Seagals.

    The play a set and kick the audiences asses.

    Then let in the next crowd and repeat until 1 a.m.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Question 6

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    How much would you charge to speak at the local Rotary Club and what subjects would be off-limits for questions at the meeting?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:45 p.m. CST

    “And this is a great prize because…?”

    by Vern

    Jesus, who the fuck DOES that? What kind of whiny little bitch goes around on the internet finding contests with prizes that don’t interest him and then criticizes it? What could be more pathetic than that? This fucker even has the smarmy sarcastic tone down, like one of the liberal bureaucrat bad guys on King of the Hill.

    It’s a great prize because it’s 11 free DVDs of entertaining action movies that somebody’s gonna get for doin nothing, you fuckin weiner. Now please find some dignity and come back and maybe I’ll teach you a few things.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Wait a minute Vern!

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    He needs Seagal more than anyone!(except Danny)

    Only somebody that has never seen Seagal in action would dare make a dumbfuck statement like that.

    Seagal will take him to the bank. The Blood bank.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Why I should win.

    by SeanMiller

    I have been a Steven Segal ever since one special movie going experience with my Dad. While I was in 7th or 8th grade, Under Siege was released in theaters. On opening night I convinced my Dad to take me to see the movie which was playing at Water Tower Place in downtown Chicago. The movie got out around 9pm and my Dad and were riding such a wave of addrenaline after watching such an awesome movie that my Dad actually offerred to go see another movie with me that night. At that point I had never done two movies back to back with my Dad before. He proceeds to tell me that Passenger 57 is playing down the block at Esquire theater on Oak St in 5 minutes. We run the 4 blocks or so over to the theater and sit down just as the last preview finishes. Needless to say, very few theater experiences in my life have matched the night that my Dad took me to both Under Siege and Passenger 57. For that reason alone, I have always had a soft spot for Steven Segal (and Wesley Snipes).

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:57 p.m. CST

    “And this is a great prize because…?”

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Fuck that. This guy needs a shot or two of Seagal’s semen to comprehend the bison like potency of his manly seed.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 3:59 p.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Steve Seagal….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …he says two topics are off limits for the Rotary gig. His hair…and his weight. Everything else is fair game. Including graphic sex stories of Kelly Lebrock.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:01 p.m. CST

    “And this is great prize because…?”

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    He better be careful, because I heard Seagal’s semen can even get a man pregnant.

    They did a doc on it called Junior, as I think Ahhnuld made the mistake of insulting Seagal’s manhood.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:01 p.m. CST

    Captain Ron 2!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Kurt Russell is back as the title character, but this time he’s brought his brother along for the fun!! Captain Ned…played by none other than Steven Seagal!!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:05 p.m. CST

    I figured the hair would be front and center

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Who wouldn’t want a ponytail that could support the weight of a loaded cement truck?

    I will tell Rotary to refrain from questions of weight and stock extra coldcuts and chocalate milk.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Capt Ron 2?

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:07 p.m. CST

    Captain Ron 2?

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Are you serious? That’s nothing to joke about and get my hopes up!

    Pirates? Seagal would storm their boat!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:08 p.m. CST

    make it soy milk, Chitty….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    If there is anything that pisses off Seagal off, its the cruelty and exploitation of animals. His mantra is, “The only nipples that are gonna get squeezed around here are mine. Blow.”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:09 p.m. CST

    the idea of Seagal at sea is a good one…..

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I would fucking kill to see him in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:12 p.m. CST

    He would have a wife-beater on under it

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    And maybe wear a straw hat with jhorts and sandals.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:12 p.m. CST

    I’m seriously shocked no one liked Pistol Whipped….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …I rented it with a friend of mine. We’ve been talking Seagal for years. We had a ridiculously fun time watching it. I thought it was a total return to form (not physically but spiritually) for Seagal. It has some of his best one liners in his career IMO.

    “IF I WANTED ANY LIP OUTTA YOU I’D RIP IT OFF YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE!”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:15 p.m. CST

    we’re gonna have this TB to #1 soon…

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Fuck. Maybe thats a bad thing. More people are gonna enter. Fuck fuck.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:16 p.m. CST

    Pistol Whipped is awesome Danny.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    I’ve watched it thrice already.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:18 p.m. CST

    All of this Seagal talk is saving me……

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:18 p.m. CST

    good for you Stuntcock Mike….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Its a damn fine low budget action film. And I really think its Seagal’s finest acting so far. Its the first time he was actually a real fleshed out person and not just a killing machine. I like the shit with his ex wife and his daughter….cool moments to watch him in.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:19 p.m. CST

    ….from an otherwise shit day.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Too fast on the enter button dammit.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:19 p.m. CST

    Question 7

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    How much would you charge for me to take you to a local bar and you reenact the bar fight from On Deadly Ground (complete with hand-slap contest)? I will pay the random people in the background to say “Did you see that?” and “What’s the matter big balls?”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:22 p.m. CST

    And it doesn’t hurt that Renee Goldsberry is smoking hot.

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:23 p.m. CST

    Chitty….

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    If you’re having Big Steve reenact bar scenes…you might as well have him do one of the best– the shake-down in Out For Justice. Thats the scene where the dude says Seagal is nothing without the badge, so he puts down the badge and the gun and yells, “There’s my badge and there’s my gun– and this is your trophy (pointing to himself) Now come and get it!!”
    FUCK!! YES!!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:26 p.m. CST

    ChittyChittyGangBang

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Don’t forget, “Don’t fuck with the oil workers man”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:29 p.m. CST

    “I can’t believe you can still eat with that mouth. ”

    by Stuntcock Mike

    “Y’know, the one with the nipples you could dial a phone with”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:29 p.m. CST

    Which barfight scene involved?

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Seagal walking around and around asking if they had seen a girl in a photo he was hold?

    Some guy said “I seen the top of her head man..”

    Seagal just kept saying “yeah, that’s a good one…”

    And then all hell was unleashed.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:30 p.m. CST

    “What about you, Paulie? You got the fuckin’ balls? ”

    by Stuntcock Mike

    “Now you got the bread”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:31 p.m. CST

    What is the brown cigarette Seagal smokes…

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    In On Deadly Ground?

    I always see them on tv, but don’t know what to ask for at the tobacco shop.

    Although the cigarettes he smokes should be universally recognized.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:34 p.m. CST

    That’s Above the Law ChittyChittyGangBang

    by Stuntcock Mike

    First scrap in the film.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:35 p.m. CST

    ChittyChittyGangBang

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Fuck yeah…thats the Out For Justice scene. Its like 10 minutes long and its golden. In that same scene he tells a guy, “….your fucking brother is a scumbag who likes to rub kids and shit…” before proceeding to beat the shit out of his face with a cue ball.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:36 p.m. CST

    Chitty…its not just some kinda clove?

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:36 p.m. CST

    Wasn’t his wife Sharon Stone in Above the Law?

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Holy Shit! I thinks she was.

    I actually saw that in the theater a long time ago.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:37 p.m. CST

    Stuntcock….oh is that Above The Law?

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    I could have sworn he was asking around about a missing girl in the Out For Justice scene…….those two blend together for me. Haven’t seen them in many years…

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:37 p.m. CST

    Danny, it’s Above the Law man, I swear.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    He’s looking for his niece or whoever. That little puke of a bartender. “Sending my customers into orbit even”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:38 p.m. CST

    peace out people….LONG LIVE THE PONY TAIL!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:38 p.m. CST

    Maybe it is a clove

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    Has anybody had a clove cigarette? Do you just puff like a cigar or drag away like a good cigarette?

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:42 p.m. CST

    Chitty…

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    You smoke it like a regular cig. You’ve never had one? Thats surprising. I thought you were all into various things you smoke and/or drink….

    They are pretty good once in a great while but they make my stomach feel fucked up after a few (and I smoke cigs quite often).
    Supposedly cloves are far worse for you than cigarettes….

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:42 p.m. CST

    Yep it was Above the Law Danny

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    When Stuntcock Mike said looking for the neice, I realized it.

    It was the perfect bar to fight in too.

    Wide open spaces and plenty of glass.

    I also remember it having a bunch of produce like a grocery store..WTF!!??

    He also rubbed that guy’s face in the drugs and bitch slapped him repeatedly!

    Damn!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 4:50 p.m. CST

    I’ve smoked everything else Danny

    by ChittyChittyGangBang

    But I have been offered a clove cig and turned it down, because I had already lit a regular cig and just didn’t try it.

    But yeah, that is just about the only thing I haven’t smoked?

    I even have a pipe and once the weather cools down a little more I will fire that thing up.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 5:43 p.m. CST

    “If your father knew how stupid you were..

    by Jonah Echo

    he’d trade you in for a pet monkey!”

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 5:47 p.m. CST

    I vote Danny, and heres why..

    by Jonah Echo

    All facts of him being my friend aside, he’s the only one who seems to actually enjoy these things as much as you Vern. Danny advocates Pistol Whipped like some people advocate Pan’s Labyrinth, and heis completely sincere. He’s not supportive, hes darn near vitrolic.

    I’m pretty sure once Danny found out Seagal is some sort of half-deity or whatever, he probably sacrificed to him.

    If there is one person here(aside from you Vern), in whose hands this set wouldnt just become an excuse for mockery, it’s Danny.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 7:26 p.m. CST

    PISTOL WHIPPED is a blast…

    by doctorfreudstein

    …for all the reasons Danny mentions and more. I sent out mass emails spoiling all the great lines in a (futile) attempt to get friends on board. Anyway, here’s one of my favorite bits…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOQ1YQf9Q-g

    …enjoy!

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 7:31 p.m. CST

    Recognize

    by doctorfreudstein

    “They say, kill one to warn a hundred. I might have to a kill a hundred to warn one. They say when one sets out on revenge to first dig two graves. I know you know that meaning, but I promise you one thing: the souls of our enemies will be the ashes and dust gone in the sky before the funeral of our loved ones. That’s a promise.”

    — Professor Robert Burns, OUT FOR A KILL

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Who needs quips?

    by doctorfreudstein

    “That’s for my wife, fuck you and die.” — Mason Storm, HARD TO KILL

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Consider carefully the consequences

    by doctorfreudstein

    “I find out you’re lying, I’ll come back and kill you in your own kitchen.” — Nico Toscani, ABOVE THE LAW

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 11:17 p.m. CST

    I vote for Danny, too

    by Mavra Chang

    I haven’t known him as long as the rest of the talkbackers have, but I don’t believe I have ever seen a person more dedicated to honoring the work of Seagal or so intent on enthusiastically enlightening the ponytail-uneducated masses to that devotion. I can’t think of any person here who could possibly appreciate it more than him.

  • Oct. 1, 2008, 11:31 p.m. CST

    give it to DICKBLOOD

    by the milf lover

    He actually enjoys Seagal, and he can learn from the poytail how to go kick Jud Apatow’s stupid ass for making fun of him in the media.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 12:35 a.m. CST

    Dear Vern – Playing devil’s advocate here.

    by hamslime

    To answer the question, “Jesus, who the fuck DOES that? What kind of whiny little bitch goes around on the internet finding contests with prizes that don’t interest him and then criticizes it?”
    I’m guessing that the whiny little bitch in question wasn’t looking for a Steven Seagal contest on the internet. I’m willing to bet they saw that you had something posted here on AICN which is reason enough to click on and read through.
    As for complaining about the prize… I have some theories: Maybe they feel jealous that their hero Vern isn’t giving away something THEY find interesting such as a copy of Cabin Boy autographed by David Letterman, a Puttin’ On The Hits box set, or a bag of maxi pads. Maybe they just like to troll because their mom won’t give it up anymore because she found their relationship was getting a bit “too weird” and decided to take it out on the faceless people on the internet. Or maybe they were just putting their two cents in.
    In either case, I agree that it is a dick move to complain about a contest, but I hope that you realize that it’s nothing personal and if it is it’s probably coming from someone who is feltching their mom… so there’s that.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 12:44 a.m. CST

    Not to be a cock or anything…

    by caruso_stalker217

    …but it was his cousin he was looking for in ABOVE THE LAW.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 2:21 a.m. CST

    Why I should win the KILL SWITCH STEVEN SEAGAL DVD LIBRARY.

    by Toby___Wong

    Because, apart from Van Damme movies, Steven Seagal movies are the only movies I always complete watching. Steven Seagal has had great movies and some less great movies and I finished them all. Even if people said that a Seagal movie sucked, I was always like ;”Can’t wait to see the movie. It can’t be that bad.”

    Why ? Because Steven Seagal defined what a bad ass is. Nico Toscani and Gino Felino are two of the most bad ass characters ever in movies.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 3:30 a.m. CST

    fuck van dumme

    by Prossor

    the guy wanted to fight seagal so badly he followed him from the bar knocking on his house door. what kind of a shithead ugmo does this?

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 5:30 a.m. CST

    caruso, correct as always.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Wasn’t the guy his Cousin was with that goof who Cher was fucking for a while there? No wonder Nico slapped the shit out of him.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 7:04 a.m. CST

    Give it to danny

    by Lost Jarv

    For sure. No-one else has tried half as hard on this thread.
    Don’t give it to me. My region 1 DVD player broke and the wife has no time for Seagal anyway.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 7:06 a.m. CST

    what the hell is an ugmo?

    by Lost Jarv

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 7:56 a.m. CST

    Another reason to give ’em to Danny.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    I’ve got ALL of them on dvd already Vern.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 8:01 a.m. CST

    I should win because…

    by Phimseto

    …well, this is more because I need to make some kind of play for it in case Vern has more than one prize pack sitting around. Danny has earned it, though my worry would be that he prob. has most of the other titles anyway. If he gets the one and only set, props to him.

    Anyways, I should get it because, for a month now, I’ve had a copy of Seagalogy in my desk at work. I’m waiting to give it to my dad for his birthday at the end of the month, along with a couple of other items. My dad owns three Seagal movies: Out for a Kill, Out of Reach, and Belly of the Beast. He doesn’t even know why he got them other than they were cheap and he vaguely remembers enjoying the early Seagal films. What’s more – he enjoyed the three films he bought. Hence, my buying the book for him.

    I figure this set will either help me give him a newfound appreciation for some of Seagal’s better-received works or help him fully transition to Vern-style Seagal enthusiast. So, if you only have one to give away, yeah, Danny has probably earned. If you’ve got a spare or two, there’s my bid.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Thanks again Stuntcock…..

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    …you do your cock a great honor.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 1:38 p.m. CST

    OUT FOR A KILL (cont.)

    by doctorfreudstein

    STEVEN SEAGAL enters a funeral parlor and sees his eledery MASTER mourning his daughter’s photo.

    SEAGAL: My condolences, Sifu.

    MASTER: A mind is a mirror. A bright, shining. Be sure to clean it everyday. Allow no dust to cling.

    SEAGAL: There is no mirror. There is no dust. There is no darkness. Only the mind is light. I think you know what I have to do.

    MASTER: I will wait by the open grave for your return.

    The Master exits and Seagal is attacked by two SWORD-WIELDING MONKS.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 2:59 p.m. CST

    we gotta keep this TB alive for the love of Seagal!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Steven Seagal/Warwick Davis — 2012!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 3:35 p.m. CST

    Warwick Davs?

    by subtlety

    Is there a Seagal/Warwick Davis buddy-cop flick out there I’m unaware of? Because if there’s not, now there should be. You’ve got no excuse now, Hollywood!

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 4:01 p.m. CST

    hell yeah…

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Seagal provides the action…Warwick provides the women.

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 6:19 p.m. CST

    Talk To My Ass

    by doctorfreudstein

    From Seagal’s “Mojo Priest”

    I woke up this morning’ and I asked my baby to fix me some scrambled eggs

    I woke up this morning’ and I asked my baby to fix me some scrambled eggs

    Well she looked at me kinda surprised

    And she said baby, you got your own two pair a legs

    I went to bed last night, I tried to give my baby some love

    I went to bed last night, I tried to give my baby some love

    Well she looked at me kinda surprised and she said

    Baby you got you own two pair of hands

    But you ain’t got no glove

    Chorus

    But thank you

    For reminding me I got my own two pair of legs

    Oh and thank you

    For reminding me I got my own two hands

    But it seems like I got a new set of plans

    I can’t have no compromise

    I hate to break it to you

    But I got my own two pair a eyes

    I went down to see my mama

    And I told my mama my situation

    She said son it sound like you need some excavation in your habitation

    She said love goin’ to have to have to have some give and take

    If you can’t have that you gonna have nothing but heart break

    I went back home last night

    I told my baby to get on up the road

    Well she looked at me kinda surprised

    Suddenly she not so cold

    I told her I can’t no more sass

    And from now on she can talk to my ass

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Straight Talk Express

    by doctorfreudstein

    “Yeah, but he’s not here. You know why he’s not here? ‘Cause he’s a chickenshit fuckin’ pussy asshole, you know?” — Detective Gino Felino, OUT FOR JUSTICE

  • Oct. 2, 2008, 7:04 p.m. CST

    A lesson in humility

    by doctorfreudstein

    HATCHER kicks in a door. NAKED WOMEN scramble from JIMMY FINGERS, sprawled across a bed.

    HATCHER

    Jimmy, how ya doin’?

    JIMMY FINGERS

    Hatcher, what the fuck are you doin’ here?

    HATCHER

    Why don’t you guys take a hike? Find another trick, alright?

    Naked Women exit.

    HATCHER

    Lemmie tell ya something: you bailed out a Jamaican named Monkey the other day? I want him. This other piece of shit, Screwface? I want him. I know you, you’re a scumbag and a puke. I don’t mind that. You give me what I want, I’m gonna leave here a nice guy. You don’t, I’m gonna fuck you up.

    JIMMY FINGERS

    You fuckin’ know better than that, Hatcher!

    Jimmy Fingers goes for a gun on a nightstand. Hatcher kicks the hell out of him.

    HATCHER

    Come ‘mere, I just want to talk to you for a second.

    Hatcher picks him up and pushes him into a mirror.

    HATCHER

    Mob throws you out of Atlantic City, you come here and now you’re selling guns to the Jamaicans, huh?

    JIMMY FINGERS

    Fuckin’ sell anything to anybody, Hatcher! ‘Cept you, man! Wouldn’t sell you the sweat off my balls!

    Hatcher smashes Jimmy Fingers through the mirror. A JAMAICAN ASSASSIN emerges from a doorway. Hatcher flings him into a wall. Jimmy Fingers wobbles to his feet.

    JIMMY FINGERS

    You’re a fuckin’ dead man, Hatcher, you hear me?!?

    HATCHER

    Yeah?

    JIMMY FINGERS

    I’m fuckin’ Jimmy Fingers! I’m a made fuckin’ man!

    Jimmy Fingers draws a gun. Hatcher draws faster and blows his brains out.

    HATCHER

    God made men.

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 8:08 a.m. CST

    “I WANT HACHAA DEAD! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD”

    by Stuntcock Mike

    “And if you can’t kill eem, I gonna keel you”

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 8:10 a.m. CST

    More STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS

    by Stuntcock Mike

    “We’re outgunned, and undermanned. But you know sumpin’? We’re gonna win. You know why? Superior attitude. Superior state of mind. ”

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 8:42 a.m. CST

    WHOA! WHOAAAAA!

    by Stuntcock Mike

    http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2008/10/02/exclusive-steven-seagal-looks-towards-outer-space-for-under-siege-3/

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 9:35 a.m. CST

    Casey Ryback would break E.T.’s scrawny arm!!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    Steven Seagal Looks Towards Outer Space For ‘Under Siege 3’

    It’s been sixteen years since Steven Seagal enjoyed the biggest success of his career with “Under Siege” — one of the best offerings of the one-man action thrillers that followed “Die Hard” — and thirteen years since its lackluster sequel “Dark Territory” signaled a slow, steady decent into the world of direct-to-video features.

    But now, with the former action heavyweight looking to climb his way back into multiplexes, could a long-awaited “Under Siege” threequel be in the offing? It sure can. “There are offers and we’re looking at them,” Seagal told MTV News. And he even has some ideas…of a more alien nature.

    “I personally want it to be something more modern,” said Seagal, giving us his thoughts on potential storylines. But it’s one specific angle that will probably have fans intrigued, to say the least.

    “In other words,” Seagal began, “I wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or…maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”

    Well, here’s hoping. So what say you, Seagalogists? Could you see Casey Ryback tossing E.T. through a window? Let us hear your thoughts in the comments below.

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 9:35 a.m. CST

    hell fucking yeah…thanks for the scoop Stuntcock…

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    You and me are the only true Seagalogists left. I say we split the prize!!

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Casey VS. Predator

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Whoever Wins, We Win

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 9:46 a.m. CST

    DANNY, I’ve got them all on DVD already.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    All yours man.

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 11:16 a.m. CST

    “Nobody beats me in the kitchen.”

    by doctorfreudstein

    I’ll give UNDER SIEGE 3 a chance whether it takes place in outer space, the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or the back patio of a Cajun seafood joint. Aliens would, however, go a long way toward healing the wounds of the disappointing SUBMERGED bait-and-switch, which denied the world the spectacle of Seagal vs. Mutants on a sub.

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 11:22 a.m. CST

    He’ll have to put on the Spacesuit prior to……

    by Stuntcock Mike

    throwing ET through the window. “Hey ET, you fuck with my family, you die”

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 11:44 a.m. CST

    “Yo, fuck nuts!”

    by doctorfreudstein

    “Tell Jar Jar I’m gonna cut off his head and piss down his throat!”

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 12:06 p.m. CST

    “Your no Space Cook.”

    by Stuntcock Mike

    “Yeah well I also cook.”

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 1:56 p.m. CST

    lets officially make this SEAGAL DAY — OCTOBER 3!

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Seagal is everywhere on AICN today. Sounds good.

    by Stuntcock Mike

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Seagal is everywhere all the time…

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    He is the air.

    He is the trees.

    He is the love.

    He is the war.

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 3:29 p.m. CST

    The question is..where is Vern today?

    by Stuntcock Mike

    He’s missing all of the worship.

  • Oct. 3, 2008, 6:04 p.m. CST

    I Deserve the Kill Switch Collection Because…

    by curtis3

    I deserve this collection because Seagal and his movies give me hope. I’m a middle aged guy who probably has his best years behind him. I don’t have an exciting life. But “excitement” isn’t really why I’ve watched the last dozen or so Seagal flicks, not why they inspire me. I mean, let’s face it–for the most part, they’re not all that exciting. So what is it that draws me in? Well, I have to admit that the at least part of the appeal of Seagal’s DTV films is their comic ineptness and their purposeful oddness. But this “kitsch appeal” isn’t the whole story, either. I said that Seagal’s movies give me hope, and I mean it.

    This will be hard for younger people to understand, but if you live long enough there comes a time in your life when you have to take account of your life. You have to face reality. Admit that if the dreams you had when you were young haven’t come true by now, they’re not going to. You’re just gonna have to do the best you can with what you’ve got. When you realize that you no longer have the time to make the big things happen, you’ve got to throw yourself into the little things. Plugging away becomes an art. You no longer ask yourself “What can I do to make a difference?” but rather “What can I do to enable myself to at least just keep on doing?”

    Many, many folks, once they realize that their chance to be great has passed them by, simply fade quietly off into old age and then into death. It is only the brave few who will keep fighting on once the battle has been lost, a tarnished knight tilting at the windmills.

    This is Seagal. The vampiric Don Quixote of the movie industry. Refusing to die, refusing to change. Not giving up just because he can’t be at the top. Accepting the fact that “better than I thought it would be” is now his equivalent of “fucking great” and STILL PUSHING FORWARD.

    This is what I find inspiring. This is why Seagal gives a used up old fart like me hope. This is why I deserve this dvd collection.

    In other words—fuck you kids. And get out of my yard.

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Hrmmm

    by macheesmo3

    Guess Vern hasn’t picked the winner yet huh ?

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 1:21 a.m. CST

    SPECADMIN PLEASE EMAIL ME

    by Vern

    outlawvern at hotmail dot com.

    Thank you to everybody for the great stories. I wish I had more prizes to give out. I know Danny is the popular favorite, and maybe I will make it up to him some day. But if there really is an 80 year old man that’s gonna get these as a gift I gotta go with specadmin. So I would like some verification, a samurai vow of honesty and hopefully a photo of his old man proudly holding the dvds, with the sister in the background pouting with her arms folded.

    Seriously thanks everybody, I appreciate it.

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 3:56 a.m. CST

    Vern

    by mojorisn

    Please give me directions to your kitchen so I can kill you in it.

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 7:54 a.m. CST

    Winner or not, DANNY’s Supreme Faith is undisputable.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Much like the Unbendable Arm of Aikido. Well done specadmin, congrats.

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Well poopy doopy

    by macheesmo3

    Thought I’d win this one ! Good show specadmin !! Nice contest Vern , please have another asap ! I like the format of ” please tell me WHY you should win ”

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 5:37 p.m. CST

    specadmin bettah be legit…

    by maxxsterling

    and his dad is not really 80, he has to return the prize (which would immediately be sent to me) and must be forced to watch all of Cuba Gooding, Jr.’s DTV flicks, even his sex tape w/ Clay Aiken . And that would be punishment enough.

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 5:38 p.m. CST

    Congrats, specadmin

    by Darth Busey

    Now fuck you and die!

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 5:39 p.m. CST

    Just hatin’ (Shoulda been me!)

    by maxxsterling

    Now I’m gonna go watch Van Damme in Breakin’ and cry whislt biting my Marked For Death Keith David pillow.

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 8:22 p.m. CST

    Who Cares if Specadmin even HAS a Grandpa

    by curtis3martin

    ..if Vern likes the story, then that’s enough! What difference does it make if it’s true? You know how hard it is to come up with a good lie? MUCH harder than telling the truth. Just give the motherfucker the prize!

  • Oct. 4, 2008, 11:48 p.m. CST

    Hell

    by macheesmo3

    My sob story was actually the truth . i really did lose everything I own!

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 3:20 a.m. CST

    well, specadmin better contact me soon

    by Vern

    Even if it is to say you lied and your dad is only 79. If you don’t contact me I don’t know where to send it, and will have to find a runner up who’s still around.

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 7:15 a.m. CST

    Uh oh, the plot thickens.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    What is the Statute of Limitations on winning a Kill Switch dvd set?

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 10:52 a.m. CST

    curtis3martin is specadmin’s dad

    by maxxsterling

    he DID say, be SINCERE, you dildo!!! and curtis3martin, you are SINCERELY a dildo… that wasn’t soooo hard.

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 8:33 p.m. CST

    Macheesmo 3, this is your chance

    by Vern

    If you email me before Specadmin then I will declare you the winner. FUCK hurricanes.

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 8:57 p.m. CST

    Damn….I was hoping if it wasn’t me, it was opitrone.

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 8:59 p.m. CST

    can anyone confirm whether Seagal himself owns these?

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    If not– I think he is definitely deserving of the set.

  • Oct. 5, 2008, 9:37 p.m. CST

    maxxsterling: Whigger, please!

    by curtis3martin

    We all know that everyone on this site trying to win something free is a lying motherfucker! Damn–grow up!

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 12:17 p.m. CST

    c3m: I’ll grow up soon.. you’ll still be a dildo…

    by maxxsterling

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 1:20 p.m. CST

    email sent !!!

    by macheesmo3

    Woohoo !!! To the hater , I actually didn’t make my story up at all ( which Vern will be able to confirm when he gets my address ) Regardless ,this was a great contest methodology!

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 1:22 p.m. CST

    maxxsterling: Damn! Ow! Stop!

    by curtis3martin

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 1:34 p.m. CST

    Don’t Count Me Among the “Haters”

    by curtis3martin

    I’m no “hater.” My only point is that there is no way in freaking hell that Vern could tell for sure if anyone was “being sincere” (ie, telling the truth) when they pled their case, unless he decided to take his ass to their wrecked house or goes to meet their ancient relative. Vern should just pick the story he likes and then go with it! If macheesmo3’s story hit the spot for Vern, he/she should get prize! Simple as that. Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant.

    If macheesmo is really hurting, I feel for him (and we should probably do more for him than give him some dvds). But if he’s not and he just made it all up–more power to him! No hate here. Cynicism based on tons of experience, but not hate. Give the boy his DVDs!

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 2:09 p.m. CST

    no probs..

    by macheesmo3

    I kinda just wanted to use ” haters” in a sentence ( I rarely get the chance … lol ) I got no beef wit you brudda!

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 2:26 p.m. CST

    Macheesmo it is

    by Vern

    He’s the official winner. It would’ve been cooler if Seagal himself had delivered the DVDs when he was in the area helping people out, but this will have to do. Heckuva job, Kill Switch.

    As for the old man, sorry buddy, your son has failed you by not spending enough time fuckin around on the internet. But happy birthday anyway.

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 3:54 p.m. CST

    macheesmo3 responded in time?

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCK.

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 4:05 p.m. CST

    Congrats

    by curtis3martin

    And it would have been cooler still if Seagal had delivered the DVDs the way he delivered the disc in “The Foriegner”! Boom!

    Only joking, mach, you lucky bastard! (well, maybe not lucky overall–but lucky in the contest).

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 5:53 p.m. CST

    macheesmo3…

    by maxxsterling

    congrats, man. just to say, I was never “hatin'”. I was just funnin’, then some fool ran off at the mouth. You shoulda had it from the get go. So, once again, enjoy. We all the know the real winner is, and ALWAYS will be a God named, STEVEN SEAGAL!!!

    Good contest, Vern!

    out…

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 6:15 p.m. CST

    “samurai vow of honesty”

    by DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD

    hehehehehe

  • Oct. 6, 2008, 8:18 p.m. CST

    Chuck Norris is so tough..

    by macheesmo3

    that he wears slippers when he walks NEAR any TV showing a Seagal movie . ( just to be sure he won’t get hurt )

  • Oct. 7, 2008, 5:39 a.m. CST

    Good contest Vern.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    End of line

  • Oct. 8, 2008, 1:33 a.m. CST

    to the first winner….

    by Prossor

    just polish your old man’s knob.

  • Oct. 8, 2008, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Just got em!

    by macheesmo3

    For those wishing to know what the Titles were :

    4 Film Favorites SS Collection: Under Siege, Glimmer Man, Above the Law and Fire Down Below : Half Past Dead:Marked For Death:Pistol Whipped:UrbanJustice:ExitWounds:Under Siege2:Out For Justice:

    Thanx again Vern !

  • Oct. 8, 2008, 2:20 p.m. CST

    why i should win this contest…

    by burkmanjkd

    I think i should win this because, honestly I am 36 years old and have entered literally thousands of contests and never won anything,worse than that I have the worst luck in the world, if it can go wrong it will go wrong, my life is like a Bruce Campbell movie, and to top it off i’m Irish “Shawn Patrick Burke” isn’t that supposed to be at least a little lucky? please help break this curse. Let me win something.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

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