I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

From the Writers of SUPERMAN RETURNS, Vern reviews their straight to DVD – URBAN LEGEND 3: BLOODY MARY!!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey Folks, Harry here with the man-god Vern and his preview look at URBAN LEGENDS 3: BLOODY MARY. Ya know… some folks have all the luck, Vern has the rest. Now, behold as he unveils to all of us – the films we’re dying to see are always in front of his eyes. Now here ya go…

Hey fellas,

Vern here on the straight to video beat. Usually I prefer the real whacked out bad ones (Seagal) but as a Positive individual and an idealist it is my duty to report when I manage to see one that’s surprisingly decent. Don’t get too excited, I’m not really recommending this picture. Standard direct to video rules apply. Probaly shouldn’t rent it, but if you’re stuck in a hotel somewhere and it’s on cable, and you don’t want to spring for the porn, it’s not that bad. Competence is a quality that is rare in the world of DTV sequels, so it’s worth applauding. Good job on the competence with this one, guys.

Urban Legends: Bloody MaryYou may be familiar with the URBAN LEGEND(S) series, you just don’t remember that you are, because who the fuck cares. The first one was called URBAN LEGEND, it was one of the late ’90s SCREAM ripoffs, a formula “who is the masked killer?” movie with the murders based on famous urban legends, like the one where the guy blows up from eating too many pop rocks. The second one was URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT, where the title mysteriously became plural and the director was John Ottman, composer/editor for the Bryan Singer pictures. Not really connected to the first one but it’s another urban legend themed surprise masked slasher picture. It maybe had a little more class than the first one, but not much. So you guys probaly remember it only as the reason why John Ottman didn’t do the score for X-MEN.

Well now, who the fuck knows why – there’s no way to really know – but suddenly there’s a straight to video part 3, URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY. This time instead of getting Bryan Singer’s composer, they got his writers. The script is by Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris. They are the writers of X-MEN PART 2 and some upcoming ones like ENDER’S GAME, LOGAN’S RUN and one called SUPERMAN RETURNS. (I looked it up and it’s not the one with Richard Pryor, it is a new one that hasn’t come out yet. I never heard of the dude playing Superman but otherwise it sounds like a theatrical release. Harry maybe your goons could look into this.)

The director for BLOODY MARY is non-bloody Mary Lambert, who did the PET CEMETERY movies, and some other worse ones. At least I heard of her though. Compared to most DTV directors, she’s a legend.

This one isn’t really connected to the others (there’s just a reference to the first one in a newspaper article) and instead of following the SCREAM formula it’s more in a THE RING mold. It’s another series of urban legend inspired deaths but this time the perpetrator is the ghost of a poor gal killed by her date on prom night 1969. Not one of the better prom dates it sounds like. Of course there are two teens, a brother and sister, who have to get to the bottom of it. They know about the ghost but nobody believes them, and they have to figure out the pattern and how to stop the curse. spooooky.

It follows the expected formula but like I said, it does it with stunning adequacy. A shoo-in for many of this year’s top 100 most okay movies lists. There are actually some smart moves here and there. Instead of some wise voodoo woman or tarot card reader giving them exposition, they go to a burnt out stoner ex-revolutionary who still has an afro so you recognize her from the 1969 flashbacks. Everything she tells them is true, but she seems to mainly know it because she’s stoned out of her mind. I also liked how the kids had to go to school for the old “research the ridiculously complete online newspaper archives” scene because their internet at home is dial-up. The bad guys are the football team, and one of them is a pretty hilarious dumb jock stereotype with two ridiculous hoop earrings, and he dies taking a piss. Another guy spends his last night in the most sleazy way possible: drinking a 40 in a cheap hotel, watching scrambled porn (URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY wasn’t on) while his dog farts and licks his fingers.

The cast is not ready for theatrical but they all do fine and, in a weird twist, the actors look like they could actually be in high school. Freddy Prinze Jr. I guess was busy.

Most importantly, there’s some pretty gruesome deaths. The most memorable one involves 1) large mirror shards and 2) hundreds of spiders. Okay, so they’re CGI spiders, and they make that stupid squeaky noise that bugs in movies always make and bugs in real life could not possibly make, even with training. So it’s not perfect but it’s still pretty god damned disgusting. Good job on that one.

I don’t know though, this urban legend gimmick sounds good on paper, but it doesn’t really do much for me. They already did the pop rocks and waking up without a kidney in the previous installments, so what does that leave? I was hoping they would work in the one about Alphonso Ribeiro breaking his neck doing a headspin. Or the one about how there’s two different endings to KING KONG VS. GODZILLA. I guess they couldn’t figure out a way to work those in.

Well that’s about it. In summary: this movie is not really that bad, which for a movie like this is an astonishing achievement. Before I go though I want to suggest a topic for the talkbacks. Everyone is always amazed to find out what movies get DTV sequels. For example I liked MIMIC okay, but where the hell did those two sequels come from? So I would like everybody to suggest other movies for mysterious out of the blue video sequeling. Picture these suddenly showing up, with low budgets and new casts: THE RELIC II, ENTRAPMENT 2, GUNG HO: THE NEW BATCH, I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID AGAIN LAST SUMMER, DANGEROUS MINDS: ASSIGNMENT MIAMI, GHOST DOG: RESURRECTION, EDTV.COM, and DEEPER RISING (starring Tom Berenger instead of Treat Williams, a reverse SUBSTITUTE maneuver).

anyway, thanks for your time, stop me before I watch again

–Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/20292

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • May 22, 2005, 5:26 a.m. CST

    I hate you, Vern.

    by MattCG

    You make this crap seem entertaining.

    Oh and, I want to see “Ice Pirates 2”. I’m pretty sure they could get just about everyone who played in the original back.

  • May 22, 2005, 5:33 a.m. CST

    Schindler’s List 2: The Next List

    by Angry Chimp

    More shower scene nudity, this time with co-eds… Anyone? Can’t be any worse than the original…

  • May 22, 2005, 5:36 a.m. CST

    Annie Hall 2: Annie Bedroom

    by Angry Chimp

    Hilarious DTV follow up with Ben Affleck as Woody Allen and Cameron Diaz as Diane Keaton. Pisses all over the original

  • May 22, 2005, 6:24 a.m. CST

    MASTER AND COMMANDERER: THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON

    by godoffireinhell

    Aubrey builds a wooden space rocket out of the remains of his destroyed ship and battles robotic spiders and nymphomanic antropomorphic cats on the moon. Gold.

  • May 22, 2005, 6:25 a.m. CST

    TERROR IN TINY TOWN 2: GROWING UP

    by godoffireinhell

    The midgets discover a magical groth serum. Hilarity ensues.

  • May 22, 2005, 6:26 a.m. CST

    SUSPIRIA 2: BEWITCHED

    by godoffireinhell

    This may actually be in the works somewhere at Dimension Films.

  • May 22, 2005, 6:30 a.m. CST

    DRILLER KILLER 2: ANAL DRILLER

    by godoffireinhell

    Porn sequel to Abel Ferrara’s cult hit. Directed by Jules Jordan. Starring Jessie J, Belladonna, Gauge, Taylor Rain and Abel Ferrara as the Anal Driller.

  • May 22, 2005, 7:07 a.m. CST

    Vern

    by Ribbons

    You are awesome. That is all.

  • May 22, 2005, 7:07 a.m. CST

    Titanic 2: The Iceberg Strikes Back

    by moviemaniac-7

    And I know that the execs at Fox and still weeping about the fact there can’t be a sequel to that one. I, for one, mildly enjoyed Urban Legends 2, if only for the reference to the first one at the very end with the nurse. Nice touch. Best B-movie sequel still is Delta Force 2 — just because it’s Norris.

  • May 22, 2005, 7:29 a.m. CST

    “Relic II”

    by SalvatoreGravano

    That’s “Reliquary”. And it’s infinitely better than its film version might be, considering how hideously bad the adaptation of the first “Relic” was.

  • May 22, 2005, 7:34 a.m. CST

    BORN AGAIN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY and other Stone(d) Sequels

    by godoffireinhell

    U-TURN AGAIN: Sean Penn and J-LO return as zombies. Also: JFK 2: NEW EVIDENCE, ANY GIVEN MONDAY, PLATOON 2: BACK 2 ‘NAM, THE DOORS 2: THIS WAS NOT THE END MY SWEETEST FRIEND, ALEXANDER 2: COMING OUT STRAIGHT …

  • May 22, 2005, 7:37 a.m. CST

    Vern – I posted this on your 7 Seconds review but

    by Shan

    it was after it dropped off the main page. Anyway, you said I might find it hard to believe you’d seen almost all the straight to video sequels I named. As I wrote before, I had no trouble believing you’d seen those films because (back to what I wrote before) –

    … as I have seen some of your past reviews on some of these movies for starters. Obviously if a straight to video 2 leads to a 3 and so on, part 2 at least must have made money. They’re excellent fodder for some very funny talkbacks and reviews. By the way Vern, the DTV market is huge in Japan and some films made for that market turn out to be good enough for/evolve into cinema films (best example Juon). Have you seen Takashi Miike’s “Dead or Alive”? It has this fantastic opening sequence and what must be the most amazing end of any action film ever, which I guess is the logically end to the ever more hyperbolic action setpieces in action films in general. Fudoh is also a credible entry of excessive action ultraviolence and is a good entry to Miike’s films as it at least has a plot you can follow easily enough (I mean, I wouldn’t recommend anyone starting with Gozu or Izo for starters …).

  • May 22, 2005, 7:38 a.m. CST

    godoffireinhell they alreay made Suspiria 2…

    2005-05-22 06:26

    by lutz

    It was called “Inferno” and was also directed by Dario Argento. And the third one “La Terza Madre” he will be directing -supposedly- this year (he’s been continually putting it off so who knows).

  • May 22, 2005, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Return Of The Queen of the Damned.

    by lutz

    Akasha is back from hell to prepare for the coming of her new master MEMNOCH THE DEVIL. “All she wants is hell on Earth.”

  • May 22, 2005, 7:54 a.m. CST

    Lutz

    by Ridge

    Yeah and they’d dig up Aaliyah to do the part too lol

  • May 22, 2005, 7:57 a.m. CST

    BOOGIE NIGHTS 2 — RISE OF THE HEDGEHOG

    by VatoLoco

    Also Vern, lift up your skirt and grab your balls , just admit you liked the film!!!Plus anyone reading your reviews doesn’t need to be lectured about lowered expectations!!

  • May 22, 2005, 8:03 a.m. CST

    Alien: Hybrid.

    by lutz

    Based on the premise that another Military crew also genetically engineered Ripley. Though this clone turned out to be evil and went off into the sunset with the Newborn and bred a whole new race of Hybrid Alien creatures. Now good Ripley from Alien Resurrection must stop her before it’s too late… With the marketing as follows “This Summer… The Bitch is Back”… Followed by a short shot of Ripley’s Clone being bitch slapped by Ripley’s other Clone

  • May 22, 2005, 8:04 a.m. CST

    RUSHMORE 2: RUSHMORER

    by Angry Chimp

    Even more Bill Murray in his ‘laconic middleaged man role’ – that never gets tired

  • May 22, 2005, 8:05 a.m. CST

    Actually, I’d have settled for a decent Star Wars sequel – oh we

    by Angry Chimp

    STAR WARS 7: The acting strikes back.

  • May 22, 2005, 8:06 a.m. CST

    FOOTLOOSE 2: FOOTLOOSER

    by Angry Chimp

    Couldn’t resist.

  • May 22, 2005, 8:09 a.m. CST

    Ridge.

    by lutz

    Nah Akasha will be horribly burnt and disfugured after having passed throught the fires of hell. But for the finale where she attempts to bring Memnoch over to earth (set atop the Empire State Building, after a number of blood sacrifices to her evil lord) she will be returned -via CG with unused footage from the original movie- to her former glory…

  • May 22, 2005, 8:47 a.m. CST

    The Matrix Rebooted.

    by Shan

    Sorry, couldn’t help myself either.

  • May 22, 2005, 8:52 a.m. CST

    DEUCE BIGALOW EUROPEAN GIGOLO

    by hiperaktiv

    …oh they already made that one.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:01 a.m. CST

    BASIC INSTINCT 2: RISK ADDICTION

    by godoffireinhell

    Novelist Catherine Tramell (Stone) is once again in trouble with the law, and Scotland Yard appoints psychiatrist Dr. Andrew Glass (Morrissey) to evaluate her. Though, like Detective Nick Curran before him, Glass is entranced by Tramell and lured into a seductive game.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:02 a.m. CST

    “Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Madsen?”

    by Dolph

    I’m sorry.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Cube 3: Cube Cubed

    by Shan

    You know it makes sense.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:04 a.m. CST

    UN CHIEN ANDALOU 2: SLICE HARDER

    by godoffireinhell

    But before they make that one they’ll remake the original in color and with state-of-the-art CGI.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:20 a.m. CST

    Saw 3: See-Saw – In the Balance

    by Shan

    Now I ought to be ashamed of myself.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:22 a.m. CST

    Catwoman returns – The Curse of the Black Cat

    by Judge Doom

    That

  • May 22, 2005, 9:24 a.m. CST

    DON’T TELL MOM; THE BABYSITTER’S STILL DEAD

    by where_are_quints_hobbit_set_reports

    THIRTEEN II: FOURTEEN.

  • May 22, 2005, 10:06 a.m. CST

    Tremors 5: Still Shaking.

    by Shan

    or T5: Still on the booze, T5: Withdrawing from the booze or anything else related to alcohol and shaking …

  • May 22, 2005, 10:09 a.m. CST

    XXX 3 : Triple Triple X

    by Shan

    9 X’s?: The Next Next Level ???

  • May 22, 2005, 10:12 a.m. CST

    Wall Street 2: Chimps in Charge

    by Clutchton

  • May 22, 2005, 10:39 a.m. CST

    The Stuff 2: More Of The Same Stuff.

    by Regicidal_Maniac

    or Stuff Harder. Either one.

  • May 22, 2005, 10:47 a.m. CST

    When Harry Met Sally’s Best Friend From High School

    by chiahead

  • May 22, 2005, 10:50 a.m. CST

    The One 2: Three

    by Some Dude

    Sequel to Jet Li’s “The One” starts with the discovery that there are actually three multiverses, meaning there will be three good Lis squaring off against three bad Lis.

  • May 22, 2005, 10:53 a.m. CST

    Herbie: Out of His Fucking Mind on Coke

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 11:01 a.m. CST

    The Others 2: The Other Others

    by jrpacman

  • May 22, 2005, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Batman Began

    by quantum_ken

    Batman Beginser? Batman Returns Again? Batman vs. Superman?

  • May 22, 2005, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Triple XXX: Snuff

    by quantum_ken

  • May 22, 2005, 11:05 a.m. CST

    “Cube 3” is actually “Cube:Zero”

    by Jack Burton

    Actually a cool flick. Weirder then the other two, a lot of Terry Gilliam influence.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Under Siege 3: Terrorists on A Hot Air Balloon

    by quantum_ken

    Steven Seagal and his daughter try and stop terrorists from taking over a specially engineered hot air balloon that is hundred times more deadly than a normal balloon because it’s really explosive. The movie ends with Seagal climbing onto the balloon (almost slipping off!) and fighting an Islamic terrorist on the balloon.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Star Wars Episode IIXVI: The Revenge of the Rise of the Galacti

    by HypeEndsHere

    “Aw fuck it! Look, why waste time with the movie? We’ll just make the posters and you go buy the cereal and action figures. and read Ovid’s Metamorphasis if you want some mythology, ‘kay?”

  • May 22, 2005, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Advanced stages of sequelitis…

    by topdeckshandy

    Braddock: Missing in The Self-Help Section of Borders

    Police Academy 8: Assignment Chechya

    RFK

    Last Action Hero 2: starring Wings Hauser and Michael Dudikoff

    A Time to Kill the Firm’s Client: a young idealistic southern lawyer (Bo Hopkins) battles The Klan (Pruitt Taylor Vince), the Mafia (Frankie Muniz), Hooper (Burt Reynolds) and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (themselves) in court over the sequel rights to Erin Brockovich 2: Electric Boogaloo

    Spam of Chucky

    and so on

  • May 22, 2005, 11:27 a.m. CST

    I know of this Cube Zero of which you speak …

    by Shan

    But we could go on and call the next film Cube 3. We don’t have to number the films in the order they are made. Star Wars anyone?

  • May 22, 2005, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Punctuation?

    by topdeckshandy

    Like, just shoot me.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:36 a.m. CST

    WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S 3: OPERATION – FORMALDEHYDE!

    by Flim_

    I think technically this would be considered a horror, since Bernie would be about 60% skeletal by now.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:38 a.m. CST

    The Passion of the Christ 2: Revenge of the Christ

    by sexandsin

  • May 22, 2005, 11:38 a.m. CST

    THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE EIGHTH DIMENSION 2:

    by Flim_

    This writes itself.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:40 a.m. CST

    SE7EN + 2 = 9INE

    by Flim_

    Turns out John Doe was actually the dead dog lying in the road in the final scene of the original… Sweeeeet!

  • May 22, 2005, 11:42 a.m. CST

    SPINAL TAP 2: THE QUESTION IS HOW MUCH MORE SPINAL TAP COULD IT

    by Flim_

    I’d watch this one for sure.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:47 a.m. CST

    CITIZEN KANE 2: CITIZEN KANE HODDER

    by Flim_

    OK, tell me you wouldn’t dig this premise: Charles Foster Kane versus Jason Voorhees!

  • May 22, 2005, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Superman Forever and then (naturally) Superman and Robin

    by quantum_ken

    And then some “edgy” tattooed short guy gives us the gritty neo-realistic “Superman Begins”.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Philadelphia II: Lesbians

    by DanielKurland

    That’s all she wrote, folks.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Armageddon 2: The Next Apocalypse

    by Sro100

    Carrie 3: The New Class

    Fast Times at Ridgemont High: The Next Generation

    Baby Geniuses 3: Super Toddlers

    Taxi Driver 2005: The Next Fare

    Raging Bull 2: The Kumite

    Passion of the Christ 2: The Resurrection

    Videodrome 2: The Computer Virus

    Tango and Cash 2: The Benjamins

    King’s Ransom 2: Royal Flush

    The Honeymooners 2: Back to the Sewer

    Omen: Return of Damien

  • May 22, 2005, 12:03 p.m. CST

    Why is this on AICN?

    by fiester

    This is possibly the most irrelevent article I’ve even seen on here.

  • May 22, 2005, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Missing in Action warped reality.

    by Shan

    I loved the way Chuck Norris would lead a group to escape across the border from Vietnam to Thailand. I always wondered how they managed that since Vietnam and Thailand do not share a land border.

  • May 22, 2005, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Heaven’s Gate II: Fireplace Full of Cash

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 12:16 p.m. CST

    About Citizen Kane 2 …

    by Shan

    Does that mean Rosebud was his machete?

  • May 22, 2005, 12:24 p.m. CST

    The Matrix: Blue Screen of Death

    by JediStryker

  • May 22, 2005, 12:33 p.m. CST

    Yep

    by Honky Tonk

    Kazam II: Genie in The Bottle Gets Dirty; Guest Starring Christina Aguilera

  • May 22, 2005, 1:08 p.m. CST

    Tremors 2: Aftershocks was actually pretty darn good.

    by Osmosis Jones

    If Kevin Bacon had been in it, it’d have been about on a par with the original. Oh, and not a single “Electric Boogaloo” joke yet? I’m shocked.

  • May 22, 2005, 1:11 p.m. CST

    BRING ME SOME MORE HEADS OF ALFREDO GARCIA

    by godoffireinhell

    Just saw the original for the first time. Totally badass.

  • May 22, 2005, 1:15 p.m. CST

    13 MONKEYS

    by godoffireinhell

    Gilliam’s on a roll so why the hell not? Also: BACK 2 BRAZIL, THE SISTERS GRIMM, FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS 2: THE NEXT TRIP, TIME BANDITS 2: AROUND THE CLOCK, THE ADVENTURES OF BARON MUNCHHAUSEN 2: STILL LYIN’

  • May 22, 2005, 1:17 p.m. CST

    STAR TREK MCLXMIIVII: THE LAST FACELIFT

    by enemakid

  • May 22, 2005, 1:20 p.m. CST

    Lost in LaMancha 2: Financial Fiasco Boogaloo

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 1:23 p.m. CST

    Lost Highway II: Hey, We TOLD You Robert Blake Was a Gun-Toting

    by Johnny Smith

    Unmasked & Synonymous. Mother Night II: Father Day. Dark City II: The Wrath of Riff Raff. Spider-Man of La Mancha. Arlington Road II: How I Spent My Summer Vacation. The Shawshank Redemption: Club Dread. It’s a Wonderful Life…In the Year 2060! Stargate: Generations. The Ring 3: Marriage Proposal. Terminator 4: A New Hope. The Matrix: Harsh Realm.

  • May 22, 2005, 1:25 p.m. CST

    Lest we forget…

    by Johnny Smith

    THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI IN THE RETIREMENT HOME!

  • May 22, 2005, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Remo Williams: the Adventure Continues

    by Jack Gladney

  • May 22, 2005, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Titanic 2: The Lusitania

    by ken185

    The most ironic thing in hollywood is that “Titanic” is the highest grossing film of all time but also is the only film that there is no way to make into a sequel. Until now.

    “Titanic 2: The Lusitania”

    plot- Takes place a few years after the Titanic went down which brings us to the pre WW1 time, kate winslets charactor snags a ride on the lusitania hoping for a better sea cruise this time around. Once on board, she meets jacks long lost twin brother played by leo dicaprio. They have their love affair and the ship goes down. As you can see this will be a huge hit for these reasons.- Kate winslet + Leo dicaprio + doomed ship + hot n heavy romance + James cameron directing = 1 billion 8 hundred million dollars world wide.

    the iceberg will probably also make a cameo to insure all the elements from the first are in place.

  • May 22, 2005, 1:29 p.m. CST

    Leonard Part I: A Hero is Born

    by Jack Gladney

    That one’s a prequel, obviously

  • May 22, 2005, 1:30 p.m. CST

    The Rules of Attraction II: Less Than Zero

    by Jack Gladney

    Wait…

  • May 22, 2005, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Wait a second…

    by Johnny Smith

    I had an idea…Don Quixote as a cyborg in the future…but didn’t that already happen once? I know they did that with Sherlock Holmes. Oh well.

  • May 22, 2005, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Fahrenheit 912

    by HypeEndsHere

    “The temperature at which freedom burns..a little hotter.”

  • May 22, 2005, 1:39 p.m. CST

    Breakin’ 3: Havana Nights

    by Jack Gladney

    Ozone is back! And he’s hungry…for soup at the homeless shelter!

  • May 22, 2005, 1:40 p.m. CST

    Poltergeist II: 2 Hours of JoBeth Williams Brushing Her Hair on

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 1:43 p.m. CST

    Lynch already made LOST HIGHWAY 2 …

    by godoffireinhell

    … and called it MULHOLLAND DRIVE. But how about ERASERHEAD 2: STILL MAKIN’ NO SENSE, THE STRAIGHT STORY 2: GAYED, BLUER VELVET, VAN WILDER AT HEART, ELEPHANT MAN 2: JOHN HOLMES, FIRE WALK WITH ME 2: U GONNA GIT BURNED

  • May 22, 2005, 1:44 p.m. CST

    And so on…

    by topdeckshandy

    “The Other Hand That Rocks The Cradle”. Not to mention “The Hand 2: Lefty’s Revenge”. And for that matter “Returned To Their Rightful Owners in 60 Seconds”. “Analyse Robert DeNiro’s Career Choices”. Or “Running Scared 2: What the Fuck?”. “Mannequin 3D”. “Fast Times at Ridgmont Retirement Home”.

  • May 22, 2005, 1:46 p.m. CST

    The Godfather 2000

    by Jack Gladney

    Can the great grandson of the famous Don Corelone survive in the far-flung futuristic world of the year 2000? The saga continues as he tries to get to the bottom of a mystery that could destroy the world, and to learn the truth about a mysterious woman who will take her shirt off 2/3 of the way through!

  • May 22, 2005, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Manos 2: Feet of Destiny

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 2:09 p.m. CST

    The Great Gatsby Returns

    by JediStryker

  • May 22, 2005, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Godzilla vs The Green Giant

    by JediStryker

  • May 22, 2005, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Should’ve been

    by JediStryker

    The JOLLY Green Giant. Oh well.

  • May 22, 2005, 2:22 p.m. CST

    Elektra Vs. Jar Jar

    by MrMxyzptlk

    Except Jennifer Garneris replaced by Tara Reid and Jar Jar is not CGI but played by Breckin Meyer.

  • May 22, 2005, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Gang Bangs of New York: Five Fingers

    by MrMxyzptlk

    New Yorker Abel Ferrara takes over from New Yorker Martin Scorsese in this tale of Hamsterdam, a young Irish bitch boy (Stephen Dorff), who gets pimped out by Bill The Butch Tranny (Boy George).

  • May 22, 2005, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Soul Man 2: Affirmative Action!

    by Batutta

  • May 22, 2005, 2:45 p.m. CST

    The Day After The Day After Tomorrow

    by Batutta

  • May 22, 2005, 2:51 p.m. CST

    As suggested by Mike Nelson…”The Jetsons 2: After the Armagedd

    by Johnny Smith

    Ali 2: Rocky 6. The Day After Tomorrow prequel: The Day Before Yesterday. Baron Munchausen and the World of Tomorrow.

  • May 22, 2005, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Clockwork Orange 2: Back to the milk bar

    by cherrycola

    The Shining II: Return to the Overlook hotel.

  • May 22, 2005, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Canadian Beauty

    by hulkhogan

    I can’t wait for this one

  • May 22, 2005, 3:04 p.m. CST

    The Passion Of The Christ II: Jesus vs. Godzilla

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    And hilarity ensues!

  • May 22, 2005, 3:04 p.m. CST

    Soul Plane 2: Fly the Crunktified Skies

    by BigDogg

  • May 22, 2005, 3:15 p.m. CST

    thank you everybody

    by Vern

    for playing along, and I would like to apologize to God for sparking the biggest chunk of bad comedy this side of Jay Leno’s monologue. Good work everybody. So far I like THE ONE 2: THREE and THE OTHERS 2: THE OTHER OTHERS the best.

  • May 22, 2005, 3:18 p.m. CST

    Agreed

    by DocPazuzu

    “THE ONE 2: THREE” is utter genius, as well as dumb enough that Hollywood might actually use it. As amusing as a lot of this stuff is, it’s still nowhere near as funny as the infamous Hot Wheels The Movie talkback.

  • May 22, 2005, 3:29 p.m. CST

    Freddy vs. Jason vs. The Terminator

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    Actually, that might be pretty cool…

  • May 22, 2005, 3:36 p.m. CST

    Hamtaro_Hentai

    by DocPazuzu

    They actually did Alien vs Predator vs Terminator in a Dark Horse comic and it was pretty cool, believe it or not. I also seem to recall a Jason vs Leatherface comic at one point although I never read it.

  • May 22, 2005, 3:37 p.m. CST

    The Passion 2: Jesus H. Christ!

    by Jon L. Ander

    I always had a soft spot for the Olsen Twins talkback where several users vowed to leave and never come back in disgust.

  • May 22, 2005, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Hmmm…this is getting old

    by Ribbons

    “Fuck you Ribbons!” Bleh.

  • May 22, 2005, 3:48 p.m. CST

    Terminator XXX – Rise of the Mechanic Penis

    by Judge Doom

    Since Skinet couldn

  • May 22, 2005, 4 p.m. CST

    A prequel to “The Day After Tomorrow”……”The Day After Yester

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 4:05 p.m. CST

    Hype

    by Johnny Smith

    Gee, thanks for stealing my line from a few posts up.

  • May 22, 2005, 4:07 p.m. CST

    The Superman Who Fell to Earth

    by Johnny Smith

    Jor-El (David Bowie), in an attempt to save Krypton, goes to Earth shortly before the birth of his own son in order procure supplies which might save his homeworld. While there, he bangs a woman who pisses herself in fear when she sees him naked. Come to think of it, we should make this my life story.

  • May 22, 2005, 4:13 p.m. CST

    sorry Johnny. didn’t read your post. actually, i stole mine fr

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 22, 2005, 4:39 p.m. CST

    Glitter 2: Electric Boogaloo

    by Harry Coin

    MAriah Carrey returns to the role that made her a star. In this sequel to the greatest movie she has ever starred in, she plays a former star who suffers a nervous breakdown, flips out and winds up in a hospital run by an Evil Administrator who performs cruel psychological tests by putting her in a strait jacket, locking her in the morgue and piping in music from all her albums. Mariah then starts to hallucinate that she is able to travel back in time where she is able to change events in the past that affect the future. However, no matter how she changes the past her future is always the same: Sucking cock on the street corner for crack rocks and bottles of MD 20/20.

  • May 22, 2005, 4:59 p.m. CST

    Donnie Darko 2: Giant Bunny Rabbit In The City

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

  • May 22, 2005, 5:09 p.m. CST

    “Taxi Driver II: Treasure of the Lost Lamp”

    by user id indeed!

  • May 22, 2005, 5:10 p.m. CST

    “The Kin After the Next of Kin.”

    by user id indeed!

    Followed by “Next of Kin III: The Kinnening.”

  • May 22, 2005, 5:16 p.m. CST

    “American History: Y?”

    by user id indeed!

  • May 22, 2005, 5:35 p.m. CST

    An American Tail: Fievel’s Sucking Chest Wound OR An American

    by Negative Man

  • May 22, 2005, 5:49 p.m. CST

    Mansquito 2: Die Ferris…DIE!!!

    by Purgatori

    AKA Corin Nemec’s career goes down in flames.

  • May 22, 2005, 5:50 p.m. CST

    Save the Last Dance Again

    by WesReviews

  • May 22, 2005, 5:51 p.m. CST

    The Next Heavenly Kid

    by WesReviews

  • May 22, 2005, 5:52 p.m. CST

    ALIEN VS PREDATOR VS KRAMER VS KRAMER

    by moppetmind

    Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep set aside their differences to save their son from a graduate school overrun with hostile Aliens. After an uneasy alliance with the Predators, Hoffman and Streep steal an armored military prototype vehicle and kick ass.

  • May 22, 2005, 5:52 p.m. CST

    Still Missing In Action

    by WesReviews

  • May 22, 2005, 5:53 p.m. CST

    They Live Too

    by WesReviews

  • May 22, 2005, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Meet the Grandparents

    by JediStryker

  • May 22, 2005, 6:17 p.m. CST

    American Funeral

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    This talkback has stepped into the surreal.

  • May 22, 2005, 6:20 p.m. CST

    Police Academy 8 – Die, Mahoney, Die

    by loafroaster

    I’d buy that for a dollar!

  • May 22, 2005, 6:21 p.m. CST

    Sin City 2: The Adventures of Jackie Boy & Lava Girl in 3-D!

    by loafroaster

    why, Robert, why?

  • May 22, 2005, 6:23 p.m. CST

    Bride of the Monster-in-Law

    by Sro100

    Kinging and Screaming Even Harder – Crash 2: Collision Course – Kingdom of Heaven 2: The Resurrection – House of Wax 2: Dripping Hot – The Interpreter 2: Tower of Babylon -Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Manual II: Dent Strikes Back – Mindhunters 2: Search for a Brain

  • May 22, 2005, 6:29 p.m. CST

    The B Team

    by Shan

    On the subject of quality, that’s what we are based on our suggestions …

  • May 22, 2005, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Not that it hasn’t been fun though …

    by Shan

    … hasn’t it?

  • May 22, 2005, 7:10 p.m. CST

    Fire Walk with me 2 – revenge of the backword talking dancing dw

    by Judge Doom

    Makes sense

  • May 22, 2005, 8:10 p.m. CST

    No worries, Hype. I was just busting your balls. (N/M)

    by Johnny Smith

  • May 22, 2005, 8:11 p.m. CST

    Cujo Vs Beethoven

    by Edward_nygma

    … Fuck Freddy, Jason and Ash. You know you want too see this more.

  • May 22, 2005, 8:18 p.m. CST

    Kevin McCallister vs. Predator.

    by Johnny Smith

  • May 22, 2005, 8:28 p.m. CST

    What we need is some Hitchcock sequels

    by Judge Doom

    Rear Window XP, Strangers on a train, plane and automobile, Dial R for Redrum, The Birds vs. Anaconda, The Trouble with Harry Knowles____________________________ Damn it Vern, look what you

  • May 22, 2005, 8:33 p.m. CST

    Shaun of the Dead

    by Shan

    I think the people behind this movie themselves suggested quite a few titles for prequels and sequels (which they may well not make) like: Dave of the Dead, Night of the Living Fred and so on … Anyone remember any of the others? …

  • May 22, 2005, 8:35 p.m. CST

    Oh by the way …

    by Shan

    The Right Stuff 2: More Right Stuff

  • May 22, 2005, 8:55 p.m. CST

    They sugested “From Dusk till Shaun”

    by Judge Doom

    I even think they will make a comic book with this one

  • May 22, 2005, 9:17 p.m. CST

    The Monster Squad 2 : The Search for Wolf Mans Nards!

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Or how about…Like Father Like Son Vs. Vice Versa Vs. 18 Again. Little Monsters 2: Even Littler Monsters

  • May 22, 2005, 9:39 p.m. CST

    NotFunny: great minds think alike

    by Billy Goat

    I posted the Riddick/Wardrobe joke 2 weeks ago. That means I win! :) http://www.aint-it-cool.com/tb_display.cgi?id=20172#887575

  • May 22, 2005, 9:41 p.m. CST

    Versus 2

    by Shan

    Versus Versus, or would it be Versus vs Versus?

  • May 22, 2005, 9:48 p.m. CST

    An American Tail 3 – Fievel Sells Crack

    by Zombieflicker

    Not just for kids.

  • May 22, 2005, 9:49 p.m. CST

    Darkness 2: Lights on Bitches

    by Zombieflicker

    Sorry

  • May 22, 2005, 9:56 p.m. CST

    John Carpenter’s Deliverance 2: Escape from West Virginia

    by Zombieflicker

  • May 22, 2005, 10:10 p.m. CST

    Air Force 2

    by Shan

    Does anyone usually care what happens to the Vice President? Generally speaking? …

  • May 22, 2005, 10:48 p.m. CST

    Deep Star 3

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Its the prequal to Deep Star 6.

  • May 22, 2005, 10:50 p.m. CST

    Raw Deal 2 : This time its Salmonella

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Raw Deal 3 :Welcome to Dipthera

  • May 22, 2005, 10:55 p.m. CST

    THEY’RE

    by Donnie_Drunko

    the sequal to THEY…..They were scary but THEY”RE Scarier….THEY’RE BACK will be out three months later…I can not wait!

  • May 22, 2005, 11 p.m. CST

    The Indian in the Toliet

    by Donnie_Drunko

    There’s A Indian In My Soup

  • May 22, 2005, 11:05 p.m. CST

    Rob Schneider is The Fat Bitch

    by Hoke Mosley

  • May 22, 2005, 11:09 p.m. CST

    License To Fly

    by Donnie_Drunko

    We pick up with the Coreys 15 years later. They are getting a pilot License but fail the test. Haim trying to impress a girl who only screws guys who fly planes pretends to have a license. They all board a plane and hilarity insues…..

  • May 22, 2005, 11:13 p.m. CST

    CLUE VS. CLUELESS

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Mr. Plum in the hall with a dildo in Cher while Mr. Green Video Tapes it.

  • May 22, 2005, 11:36 p.m. CST

    My Own Private Michigan

    by benito

  • May 23, 2005, 12:04 a.m. CST

    Judge Doom

    by lutz

    It sounds more poetic as…. “Twin Peaks. Fire Dance with Backward talking Dwarf.”

    (and wasn’t he one of the people they where fire-walking with anyway?).

    “Twin Peaks. Snort Cocaine with me.” is too easy.

  • May 23, 2005, 12:07 a.m. CST

    Quick Change 2: The Quickening.

    by Osmosis Jones

    Phantom 2: Phantom Of The Paradise — Thelma & Louise & Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice — Big 2: The Biggening — Body Heat 2: The Heatening — Day Of The Dead 2: Bub Roberts — Reservoir Snow Dogs — I Angel Heart Huckabees — What, Dead *Again*? — The Rocketeer 2: Rocketeerier — Die Hard & Robin — Strangers On A Trainspotting — Erin Brockovich 2: Brock Harder — Ocean’s Th13rteen — Goonies 2: Goon Harder — Die Hard 4: Rise Of The McClanes — 24 Hours Later (starring Kiefer Sutherland in real time) — Pee Wee 3: Pee Harder — Babe 3: Pig In The Dark City — Saving Ryan Stiles — Plan Se7en From Outer Space — Barton Fink 2: The Finkening — Jaws 5: Big Fish — Fight Club Paradise — Fargo 2: The Woodchipper Strikes Back — The Woodsman 2: Woody’s Revenge

  • May 23, 2005, 12:09 a.m. CST

    That’s some funny shit

    by I Dunno

    Unfortunately any film executives that may be reading this thread will enthusiastically use those titles for new ideas instead of realizing what worthless loads they are and killing themselves, as they should.

  • May 23, 2005, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Majority Report

    by Shan

    It’s bigger, better and the majority are in favour of it.

  • May 23, 2005, 12:38 a.m. CST

    Bugs could absolutely make that noise in real life if they were

    by Regis Travolta

    Vern when you see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory you’ll see actual squirrels sitting at an assembly line taking acorns out of their shells, these squirrels were trained by an expert for two months before filming began. So I’m sure bugs could be trained to make any bug type noise you want.

  • May 23, 2005, 12:48 a.m. CST

    INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF ASS

    by zillabeast

    Oh how heavenly it would be.

  • May 23, 2005, 1:02 a.m. CST

    Annie Hall 3: Annie Potts & Pans for Sale Today?

    by Regis Travolta

    Annie Potts stars as Annie Hall’s wacky sister. Andy Dick co-stars as Woody Allen’s goofy younger brother. Hilarity ensues of course. Diane Keaton and Woody make cameos at the Russian Tea Room and good fun is had by all.

  • May 23, 2005, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Amazon Women On The Sun

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    Meh, I think that was funnier in my head…

  • May 23, 2005, 1:33 a.m. CST

    THE AFTERLIFE OF BRIAN

    by TheKichigaijin

    The Revenge of Biggus Dickus

  • May 23, 2005, 1:34 a.m. CST

    Ed Wood 2: Uwe Boll

    by hulkhogan

    or Billion Dollar Baby

  • May 23, 2005, 2:18 a.m. CST

    I was gonna say…

    by Ribbons

    Isn’t “The Day After Yesterday” in ‘Sideways?’ Eh well.

  • May 23, 2005, 2:19 a.m. CST

    And I have to give it up: ‘The One 2: Three’ is pretty damned hi

    by Ribbons

    Wish I’D thought of it…

  • May 23, 2005, 2:35 a.m. CST

    The Postgraduate

    by benito

  • May 23, 2005, 2:36 a.m. CST

    The Punisher II: The Spanking

    by FatherMcGruder

    Tag line: “You’ve been a naughty, naughty boy!”

  • May 23, 2005, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Serenity II

    by benito

  • May 23, 2005, 2:55 a.m. CST

    SERENITY II: SERENITY NOW!

    by Flim_

    What the hell does that *mean*?

  • May 23, 2005, 3:19 a.m. CST

    Driving Ms. Daisy 2: Driving OVER Ms. Daisy…

    by Weird-Coma

    Morgan Freeman is back, and this time, he’s not taking any shit from the hag.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:22 a.m. CST

    Sean Penn of the Dead 2: The Beatdown

    by MyHerosDead

    Sean penns recently drug overdosed corpse rises from the grave to destroy Trey Stone and Matt Parker for using his likeness in Team America 2 : The American.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:24 a.m. CST

    Alien vs Predator vs Jason vs Freddy vs King Kong vsGary Coleman

    by MyHerosDead

    because i felt someone had to say it

  • May 23, 2005, 3:37 a.m. CST

    Judge Dredd 2:this time rob schneiders dredd and stallone is the

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 3:39 a.m. CST

    lost in translation2:translate this !

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 3:44 a.m. CST

    Dirty Work 2: time to do Harrys laundry

    by MyHerosDead

    norm macdonald and artie lang return for the mother of all jobs but little do they know there in over there heads when Harry Knowles dirty clothes spawn fungus monsters…

  • May 23, 2005, 3:53 a.m. CST

    Star Wars episode 7: Milking George lucas”s man Tittys

    by MyHerosDead

    Star Wars episode 8: George lucs has an idea on the toilet and turns it into a script

    Star Wars episode 9: Return of Bush Administraion

    G.W. froze corpse is re animated and put in some new fancy cgi body to hunt down all the new jedis luke created

  • May 23, 2005, 3:56 a.m. CST

    Bad Boys 3: more watered down Chris Rock racial jokes

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 4:01 a.m. CST

    The Rocky Road Horror Picture Showtime at The Apollo Creed Reuni

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 4:50 a.m. CST

    Jurassic Park 4: return to isla sorna or isla nublar for some st

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 4:52 a.m. CST

    Indiana Jones IV : the search for the quilted adult undergarment

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 4:59 a.m. CST

    Charlie and the Neverland Ranch

    by MyHerosDead

    micheal jackson plays an ecentric child toucher who lets 5 children who win golden cds of his latest greatest hits album,into his mysterious theme park where tiny mexicans with orange skin are being held captive for slave labor.the fun and hilarity ensues when mr jackson unleashs jesus juice and furry 70s porn unto his underage guests/

  • May 23, 2005, 5:43 a.m. CST

    Dirty Dancing 2:havanna nights

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 5:49 a.m. CST

    Harry and the Andersons: Neo Returns

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 5:52 a.m. CST

    Species 4: More Titties Less Geiger

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 6:53 a.m. CST

    HULK 2 – Enter the Puss in Boots

    by Judge Doom

    Gama altered latino Cat versus Hulk Versus Juggernaut (this time he

  • May 23, 2005, 7:24 a.m. CST

    se8en

    by ElPaw

  • May 23, 2005, 7:31 a.m. CST

    Paul Thomas Anderson Vs Uwe Boll :The Shitfest

    by MyHerosDead

    The 2 worst directors that take the best properties and ruin them and our souls too for that matter fight to the death for the tittle of ultimate douche bag…they fight underground in ancient antartic temples,they fight the pussy versions of monsters they ruin ,they fight on the island of dead,and finally they fight on the surface of the sun where they belong

  • May 23, 2005, 7:32 a.m. CST

    AIR FORCE TWO, also, TOTAL RELAPSE

    by The Dude Abides

  • May 23, 2005, 7:33 a.m. CST

    Diabolique 2: Diaboliquer

    by MyHerosDead

    sharon stones titties sag further

  • May 23, 2005, 7:36 a.m. CST

    Pauly Shore is….ACE VENTURA 3: The weasels lost career

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 7:40 a.m. CST

    The Son Of The Mask vs The Bride of Frankenstein

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 7:42 a.m. CST

    The Week The Earth Stood Still

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 7:45 a.m. CST

    BACK TO THE PRESENT

    by MyHerosDead

    direct to video mean no budget no budget means not time travel,so marty just chills and plays guitar for 2 hours

  • May 23, 2005, 7:45 a.m. CST

    Silence of the lambchops

    by ElPaw

  • May 23, 2005, 7:46 a.m. CST

    Forest Gump 2: Gump Harder

    by MyHerosDead

    i think i might have subconciously stole that from mad tv

  • May 23, 2005, 7:49 a.m. CST

    Battle Royale 3 : Battle Quaterpounder

    by Papa Lazaru

    metric system, see.

  • May 23, 2005, 7:51 a.m. CST

    Fight Club : Round 2

    by Papa Lazaru

    Now thats one they would actually love to use. I should copyright it.

  • May 23, 2005, 7:53 a.m. CST

    The Firm 2 : Firmer /// The Pelican Thesis /// A Time To Kill

    by MyHerosDead

    some john grisham classics

  • May 23, 2005, 7:55 a.m. CST

    Being Cyrus The Virus: Con Air 2

    by MyHerosDead

    Napolean Nitro

  • May 23, 2005, 7:57 a.m. CST

    Fight Club Med

    by MyHerosDead

    check this one out papa lazaru

  • May 23, 2005, 8 a.m. CST

    Stand By Me,Myself and Irene

    by MyHerosDead

    Stephen king takes a shot at a comming of age comedy with the uncontrollable jim carrey ..

  • May 23, 2005, 8:01 a.m. CST

    Straw Dogs 2: Spring Break!

    by HypeEndsHere

  • May 23, 2005, 8:01 a.m. CST

    Swimfan 2 Swim Faster

    by MyHerosDead

    ok now im fizzling out im gonna sleep

  • May 23, 2005, 8:58 a.m. CST

    The Longest Day 2:

    by Papa Lazaru

    The Longest Day 2 : even a longer day then the day that was the longest before this particularly long day, with vampire nazis

  • May 23, 2005, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Roadhouse 2 Tinkers revenge

    by liljuniorbrown

    Sorry, Roadhouse was on TBS last night.

  • May 23, 2005, 9:20 a.m. CST

    Okay, these are getting a bit lame

    by Ribbons

  • May 23, 2005, 10:02 a.m. CST

    Highlander 2: There Can be Only One More

    by Childe Roland

    Ha! They’d never make a sequel to a movie where the premise was to have just one of these special immortal dudes left. That would completely ass rape the original. Thank god Hollywood isn’t that stupid. What? They were? Like three times? Oh. Never mind.

  • May 23, 2005, 10:05 a.m. CST

    I hope they make “Hot Shots! Part Deux: 2”

    by HypeEndsHere

    or “The Return of The Making of Gladiator”.

  • May 23, 2005, 10:54 a.m. CST

    Who Framed Roger Rabbits Second Cousin Telly Rabbit

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 11:13 a.m. CST

    crouching tiger hidden dragon: curse of the flying nun

    by testicleez

    starring chow yun fat and sally field. but in order to explain the reason that a catholic nun who flies and a strangely empowered chinese man got together this movie will have to make even less sense than the first one. which sucked by the way to all of you crouching anus faggoty dragon fans out there. lets get ang lee to make the hulk 2: state of the union starring ice cube as dr david banner and forgoing cgi and having michael clark duncan play the brown hulk with ice cubes incredible wit and magnetic personality that he shows off in the exact same manner in each and every movie he plays in. whats that you say? ice cube is an untalented hack? i disagree sir or maddam…he may be untalented and he may be a hack but he is each of those seperately and equally. it is absolutely riduculous to say that he is JUST and untalented hack all at the same time! RIDICULOUS! testicleez out

  • May 23, 2005, 11:19 a.m. CST

    The Shining 2: Shine Harder (with Hulk Hogan)

    by ScreamingPenis

    Heeeeere’s Johnny, brother!

  • May 23, 2005, 11:49 a.m. CST

    FIVE BRIDGES TOO FAR

    by Flim_

  • May 23, 2005, 11:50 a.m. CST

    A KNIGHT IN PARIS starring Sir Anthony Hopkins and Paris Hilton

    by Flim_

  • May 23, 2005, 11:54 a.m. CST

    LAST TANGO IN PARIS HILTON

    by Flim_

    They lay down some hardwood on Paris Hilton’s pelvic floor, and everyone for miles gets their tango on. Fire code regulations state only 500 people can occupy her cavernous love tunnel at one time. It’s a potluck dinner, so bring whatever you feel like!

  • May 23, 2005, 12:54 p.m. CST

    I saw XXX

    by apocalypsecow

    I must’ve missed XX cuz I can’t figure out how XXX had anything to do with that Spike Lee movie.

  • May 23, 2005, 1:06 p.m. CST

    My Dinner with Andre the Giant

    by so sorry

    this is the funniest fucking talkback ever…

  • May 23, 2005, 1:12 p.m. CST

    The Wall 2: the Hedge

    by so sorry

    Pink returns, but he’s only slightly self-conscious this time…

  • May 23, 2005, 1:16 p.m. CST

    My Left Foot 2: My Right Foot

    by so sorry

    the overlooked Right Foot can paint too, you know.

  • May 23, 2005, 1:17 p.m. CST

    Gulp Fiction

    by so sorry

    the DTV porn bukkake version they didn’t want you to see…

  • May 23, 2005, 1:18 p.m. CST

    Look Who’s Talkin’ 4: Shut Up Already!

    by so sorry

  • May 23, 2005, 1:20 p.m. CST

    North by Northwest 2: South by Southeast

    by so sorry

  • May 23, 2005, 1:37 p.m. CST

    Willow 2 : The PUSSY WILLOW

    by Donnie_Drunko

    make up your own plot.

  • May 23, 2005, 1:49 p.m. CST

    Meet The Koksokkers!

    by MrMxyzptlk

    Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara join the great grandparents.

  • May 23, 2005, 1:52 p.m. CST

    Gulf War 2! … oh wait thats already opened and its the Ishtar

    by MrMxyzptlk

    Dubya is the Uwe Boll of politics!

  • May 23, 2005, 2:03 p.m. CST

    Garbage Pail Kids 2

    by Donnie_Drunko

    The twist is this time they come out of a Rubber Made can!

  • May 23, 2005, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Sleepers 2 : WAKE UP!

    by so sorry

  • May 23, 2005, 2:12 p.m. CST

    Plains, trains and automobiles: the uncut Al Quida Edition

    by so sorry

    that may have gone too far… sorry.

  • May 23, 2005, 2:17 p.m. CST

    remake of “He Said, She Said” starring Snoop Dogg and Lil’Kim, ”

    by so sorry

  • May 23, 2005, 2:21 p.m. CST

    More American Gigolo

    by WesReviews

  • May 23, 2005, 2:22 p.m. CST

    The Bigger Chill

    by WesReviews

  • May 23, 2005, 2:27 p.m. CST

    * * * NEW ASSIGNMENT * * *

    by Vern

    The new assignment for this creative writing assignment is to go back to the original assignment. For now on I want semi-believable. ABSOLUTELY NO RIMSHOTS. This means no puns (unless they are believable titles), no combined titles, no sequels to recent blockbusters that obviously would not get a DTV sequel, no “die harder” riffs. Easy jokes will be given an F. Think of actual movies that have DTV sequels (Cruel Intentions, The Skulls, Species, Urban Legends, Sniper, The Substitute, Vampires, etc.) and extrapolate from there. Good luck everybody.

  • May 23, 2005, 2:34 p.m. CST

    The Postman Always Rings Twice 2: Third Time’s The Charm

    by eraser_x

  • May 23, 2005, 2:41 p.m. CST

    Dammit Vern, my feeble brain is only capable of coming up with l

    by so sorry

  • May 23, 2005, 2:42 p.m. CST

    Shaun of the dead sequel…..

    by HermanatorX

    Has been mentioned previously in print as possibly “from dusk till Shaun.” Love to see that happen.

    apart from that the matrix 4 : apologies.

  • May 23, 2005, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Three Colors 4: Fuschia, Baby!!

    by eraser_x

  • May 23, 2005, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Underworld : Overworld Werewolfing free…

    by HermanatorX

    the werewolves of wimbledon common are we….

  • May 23, 2005, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Soul Plane 2 The Moon

    by so sorry

    Snoop Dogg and Method Man return as Captain Mack and Buggsy on their maiden voyage to outer space! “We goin’ where?” To the moon? You mus’ be trippin’!”

  • May 23, 2005, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Chinatown 3: Murder in Monterey Park

    by eraser_x

  • May 23, 2005, 2:51 p.m. CST

    The Pacifier Vs Mr Nanny Vs Kindergarten Cop

    by HermanatorX

  • May 23, 2005, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Running Man, the Prequel: the 100 yard dash

    by so sorry

    Go back in time to the Butcher of Bakersfield’s ackward high school days as a skinny geek trying to make the track team. He’ll be back:for summer school!

  • May 23, 2005, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Same joke, repeatedly…

    by topdeckshandy

    Masters of Universal Studios. True Lies 2: Fake Reality. Total Recall 2: Half-assed Reminiscences. On Mercury Pond. The League of Extraordinary Gentiles. Love Already, Already. Sharky’s Washing Machine. Phone Booth 2: Wrong Number. Buffy the Car Hire Slayer. Bend It Like Nixon.

    Porn remakes – Erin Strokovich. Or Erin Pokeabitch.

  • May 23, 2005, 2:53 p.m. CST

    The Natural 2: Augmented!

    by eraser_x

  • May 23, 2005, 2:54 p.m. CST

    When Harry met Salad…

    by so sorry

    the story of Harry Knowles’ weight loss. (fiction)

  • May 23, 2005, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Dolph vs Pierce

    by topdeckshandy

    Masters of Universal Exports. Pay attention, Mumm-Ra…

  • May 23, 2005, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Yojimbo 2: Yo Mamma

    by eraser_x

    Starring Ice Cube!

  • May 23, 2005, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Fallen 2 : Touched By a Demon

    by Donnie_Drunko

    tagline: Touchie Touchie

    Special Appearance by Della Reese as a Tarot Card Mind Reader

  • May 23, 2005, 2:57 p.m. CST

    Jason XI: Jason goes to anger management

    by HermanatorX

    Mr voorhees sticks an electrode scalp massager up jack nicholsons ass.

  • May 23, 2005, 2:57 p.m. CST

    She’s All That TOO and a Bag of Chips

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 2:58 p.m. CST

    The Untouchables: Retouched

    by eraser_x

  • May 23, 2005, 3 p.m. CST

    More About Eve; The Sequel

    by eraser_x

  • May 23, 2005, 3 p.m. CST

    The Lee’s Famous Recipe Fried Movie

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    Am I just trying too hard now?

  • May 23, 2005, 3:02 p.m. CST

    Return of the Last Starfighter

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 3:08 p.m. CST

    XXX 3: XX Chromosome…

    by so sorry

    Demi Moore reprises her role from GI Jane as the next super spy working for Samuel L Jackson.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:08 p.m. CST

    Star Trek XI: The Search for Fans

    by HermanatorX

  • May 23, 2005, 3:10 p.m. CST

    D.A.R.Y.L 2 : D.A.R.Y.L. ‘s Other Brother D.A.R.Y.L

    by Donnie_Drunko

    DATA ANALYZING ROBOT YOUTH LIFEFORM has returned but this time he must stop his Evil Twin brother!

  • May 23, 2005, 3:13 p.m. CST

    The Trigger Effect 2 : Lights Out!

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 3:21 p.m. CST

    Charlies Angels : Who let the Dogs out?

    by HermanatorX

  • May 23, 2005, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Honey I Chopped Up, Roasted and Cannibalized the Kids

    by DarthKur

    Rick Moranis finally gets fed up with all of his kids bullshit and tomfoolery so he decides to eat them.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:22 p.m. CST

    ORCA 2 : A Whale of a Tale

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 3:24 p.m. CST

    It’s actually my dream to direct Howard the Duck 2: Duck the Wor

    by FatPaul

    It would be a bitter violent reimagining of the Howard the Duck world. Twenty years after the events of the first movie, Howard and Leah Thompson are married, but they live in a ratbag apartment, and Howard can’t get a job to put food on the table for their eight hideous mutant kids. To make things worse, another inter-dimensional device is being built, and Howard has to overcome his self-hatred to once again save the world from the Dark Overlords of the Universe. The kicker is that he fails this time, and the earth is taken over by the demonic villains.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:24 p.m. CST

    The Blob 3: starring Tara Ried

    by so sorry

    Tara Ried plays a washed up skank-whore actress who comes in contact with a radioactive asteroid that turns all her plastic surgeries into a living blob bent on destroying the world. Ok that one sucked…

  • May 23, 2005, 3:27 p.m. CST

    Star Trek XI – Who the Fuck Farted?

    by DarthKur

    Our crew of fearless intergalactic adventurers search for the source of this mysterious and foul multidimensional flatulence.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:35 p.m. CST

    My New Science Project

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Project X-2

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Monkeys Unleashed!

  • May 23, 2005, 3:44 p.m. CST

    More sequels coming up!!!

    by CyberBeavis1326

    The Sisterhood of the Wolf

    Another 28 Days Later

    Bowling for Palestine

    14 Going on 40

    Bad Leprechaun

    Lost in Transportation

    Cabin Fever 2: Attack of the Lincoln Logs

  • May 23, 2005, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Under Seige 3: Underwear

    by so sorry

    Segal reprises his role as Casey Rybeck, who can’t come to terms with the fact that he can’t fit into the same tighty-whities from two years ago.

  • May 23, 2005, 3:54 p.m. CST

    Lord of the Rings 4: Back in the Hobbit

    by ScreamingPenis

  • May 23, 2005, 4 p.m. CST

    The Explorers 2 : The Galaxy Next Door

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 4:04 p.m. CST

    Puppetmaster 7: bobbleheads

    by so sorry

    a former baseball star has been banned from the game becuase of his steroid use. He plots his revenge using ancient voodoo spells and his legion of bobblehead dolls…

  • May 23, 2005, 4:06 p.m. CST

    Bigger Trouble in Littler China

    by TV CASUALTY

    Weird Science 2 – Fuck Showering, Let’s Go For the BrownEye. The Banger Sisters 2: Finger Bang. I Come in Peace 2: Still Coming.

  • May 23, 2005, 4:08 p.m. CST

    The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 5 – The Weed Whacker Atrocities

    by DarthKur

    Leatherface becomes disenfranchised with his chainsaw and decides to invest in a weed whacker. He discovers that it’s a lot less effective tool for murdering people but it’s much more amusing

    .

  • May 23, 2005, 4:10 p.m. CST

    Return of the Navigator

    by Donnie_Drunko

    20 years later David Freeman takes Flight once again.

  • May 23, 2005, 4:11 p.m. CST

    The Hills Have Eyes 2: The Mutants Take Manhattan

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

  • May 23, 2005, 4:14 p.m. CST

    Still Something About Mary

    by DarthKur

    After six months go by with Mary still refusing to wash out the jizz in her hair her friends take her to an unlicensed Peruvian doctor and have her lobotomized. After the procedure is completed they notice very little change in Mary’s actions and intelligence.

  • May 23, 2005, 4:17 p.m. CST

    Terminator 4 – Revenge of the Toaster.

    by DarthKur

    ‘Nuff said.

  • May 23, 2005, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Cloak and Dagger 2 : Jack Flack LIVES

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 4:24 p.m. CST

    Bats 2 : The Meglovampire

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 4:28 p.m. CST

    Kingdom of Heaven 2: Ooops, I’m in Hell

    by so sorry

  • May 23, 2005, 4:29 p.m. CST

    Enemy Mine: Mine!! Mine!!! Mine!!!!! All Mine!

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 4:32 p.m. CST

    Beverly Hills Cop 4: Dude Looks Like a Ladyu

    by Drewchem08

    Axel Foley picks up what he thinks is a young lady. Hiliarity ensues when he discovers it’s a man baby.

  • May 23, 2005, 4:34 p.m. CST

    The Art of War 2 : Kill By Numbers

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 4:51 p.m. CST

    Ginger Snaps 5: Cocoa Puffs

    by so sorry

    Our favorite teen vamps square off against black lesbians..

  • May 23, 2005, 5 p.m. CST

    Look Who’s Talking As Well

    by sprinklemoose

    Travolta’s comeback film.

  • May 23, 2005, 5:05 p.m. CST

    You Got Served: A Sequel

    by blackstormy

  • May 23, 2005, 5:08 p.m. CST

    Shawshank Redemption : Back 2 Jail

    by sprinklemoose

  • May 23, 2005, 5:21 p.m. CST

    The Greater Outdoors: Big Bear Hump Me

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Starring a CGI John Candy

  • May 23, 2005, 5:27 p.m. CST

    A Star Wars Holiday Special 2 : Revenge of Lumpy

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Special guess star Art Carney’s Blue Glowy Spirit. Beyonc

  • May 23, 2005, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Breakin 3 : Back 2 the Boogaloo

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Uncle Buck 2: Bigger and Bucker

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    Starring either Tom Arnold or John Goodman

  • May 23, 2005, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Big Momma’s House 2

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    It would be funny if it weren’t true… :-(

  • May 23, 2005, 5:36 p.m. CST

    Outbreak 2: Monkeys Day Out

    by Donnie_Drunko

    The OutBreak Monkey LIVES!

  • May 23, 2005, 5:38 p.m. CST

    Congo 2 : Amy Goes Bananas

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 23, 2005, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Tango and Cash and Sons

    by Donnie_Drunko

    This time its a family Affair and Rambo is still a Pussy!

  • May 23, 2005, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Over The Top 2 : Armed and Dangerous

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Last time it was for honor and money. Lincoln Hawk a retired Arm Wrestler is forced back into the game when his son owes money to some gangsters. The gangsters just happen to run underground Arm Wrestling Death Matches. In order to pay off his sons debt Hawk has to fight his way back to and Over the Top! This time there is know Meet Me

    Halfway…its all the way or nothing!

  • May 23, 2005, 6:17 p.m. CST

    The Godfather 2, part 2: Let’s skip 3

    by GenericGeek

    If only…

  • May 23, 2005, 7:33 p.m. CST

    The People Under The People Under The Stairs’ Stairs

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

  • May 23, 2005, 7:43 p.m. CST

    Children of the Corn 7: Cornholed!

    by MrMxyzptlk

    Michael Jackson takes his young visitors to a cornfield in the back of Neverland Ranch…

  • May 23, 2005, 7:49 p.m. CST

    Prayer of the Rollerboys 2: Heaven Help Us

    by MrMxyzptlk

  • May 23, 2005, 7:51 p.m. CST

    Solarbabies 2: The Revenge of Bodai

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    The ball is back, and it’s PISSED!!!

  • May 23, 2005, 8:27 p.m. CST

    report card

    by Vern

    Donnie Drunko’s got some good ones (Over the Top 2: Armed and Dangerous is an acceptable pun). The rest of you get detention for the rest of the week. AT LEAST.

  • May 23, 2005, 8:33 p.m. CST

    Unleashed 2: Son of a Bitch!

    by -guyinthebackrow

    Jet Li’s character has a son who Bob Hoskin’s character (Jet stupidly didn’t kill him in the original) abducts and turns him into a dog/killer. The movie is actually quite long because Hoskin’s character never travels by car due to his bad luck with cars in the original.

  • May 23, 2005, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Thanks for deleting the 20 plus titles i came up with last night

    by MyHerosDead

    what the fuck was that about guys?????

  • May 23, 2005, 9:10 p.m. CST

    The Running Man Runs Again

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 9:14 p.m. CST

    Starship Troopers 3:Van Dien Returns

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 9:19 p.m. CST

    Detour 2: Go Around

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Detour 2: Go Around

    by MyHerosDead

  • May 23, 2005, 11:02 p.m. CST

    You created a monster Vern

    by benito

    Now not even you can control it. There’s like the same three people posting over and over again. “Um, um… The Mod Squad versus Vin Diesel versus Count Chockola! HA HA HA HA HA HA!” Listen to Vern people!

  • May 24, 2005, 12:14 a.m. CST

    ELIMINATORS 2 : Mandriods Unite

    by Donnie_Drunko

    if you remember the original Eliminators kudos!

  • May 24, 2005, 12:32 a.m. CST

    John Carpenter’s SURVIVE CLEVELAND

    by George Newman

  • May 24, 2005, 12:36 a.m. CST

    The Aviator 2: Feces and Toenails

    by hulkhogan

    Leonardo DiCrapio returns as Howard Hughes in his later years. Pauly Shore stars as Hughes’ urine.

  • May 24, 2005, 12:45 a.m. CST

    The Pacifier 2: Suck Harder

    by hulkhogan

  • May 24, 2005, 1:32 a.m. CST

    GHOST DOG 2: black in the fat

    by testicleez

    you’ll believe a fat black man can be a modern day samurai. wait…no you wont. does anyone even know what the hell im talking about? does anyone remember this crap? am i all alone here? forrest whitaker? scientology? ok…what about black dog part 2: fed ex. patrick swayze plays the same trucker but has now been hired by fed ex to deliver parcel in a rather violent manner. and his truck is black. no? ok then…lets go with barb wire 2? pam anderson reprises her role as barb wire in order to take down a black market scam in order to appropriate a new liver for herself because shes dying of hepatitis c. good thing its just a movie huh? ok maybe i went a little overboard. i apologize ms anderson. youre still hot…you just need to be sure and always carry 30 condoms per sexual encounter. nobody really wants the gift that just keeps on givin! testicleez out

  • May 24, 2005, 1:47 a.m. CST

    Next Of Kin’s Next Of Kin

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

  • May 24, 2005, 1:53 a.m. CST

    Whoops on last post..

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    It was taken already, and it wasn’t all that great to begin with. Never mix Nyquil with scotch, kids…

  • May 24, 2005, 1:57 a.m. CST

    Godzilla TOO

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

    I’m going to bed….

  • May 24, 2005, 2:07 a.m. CST

    This is what happens when …

    by Shan

    … you move one of Vern’s columns out of Co-axial to the main column and also not have any new items appear to push it down for a while. That plus a contest as well – total pandemonium. By the way, no-one’s really commented on the fact that The Urban Legend films are of a quality that should have been straight to video (and not good straight to video either) from the beginning, not two, count them two cinema releases …

  • May 24, 2005, 2:09 a.m. CST

    Final Destination 3: Are we there yet?

    by Shan

    I have to commute by aeroplane to a job I don’t like. You couldn’t punish me any more than I already am being …

  • May 24, 2005, 2:39 a.m. CST

    The Ewok Adventure II – The Battle For Endor

    by ao33

    Sometime following the events of Episode VI, an amnesia stricken C-3PO awakes in the deserts of Tattoine. After wondering aimlessly through the blistering sun he stumbles across a cloaked dude with glowing red eyes who calls himself Darth Nikon. Darth Nikon tells C-3PO that he is the last remaining Sith Lord and the Rebels were unaware that he still existed even though ancient prophicies spoke of his return and how he would be aided in conquering the galaxy by the “one in gold”. Nikon takes 3PO as his apprentice and sends him to Endor because of the Ewoks belief that 3PO is their god. Somewhere on Endor lies the missing scrolls needed to fulfill the ancient prophicies and unless Wicket and the rest of the cute cuddly bastards can remind 3PO of the good inside him the galaxy will again be ruled by the Sith. Apparently the Lightsaber duel between 3PO and R2D2 will be talked about for millenia.

  • May 24, 2005, 2:39 a.m. CST

    The other problem is …

    by Shan

    … Some of the studios themselves come up with some suspect ideas themselves. They actually were seriously considering Scooby Deux for Part 2, which is kind of funny, then there’s the frequently quoted Die Hard 4.0 (is that one for real?). The real things that are suggested can often be worse than at least most of us can think of …Also, there are times when a film can end up producing a straight to video sequel that you weren’t expecting (if anything you might have thought there would be another cinema sequel or nothing at all) – like Starship Troopers maybe. So, you can never say for absolutely sure what’s going from cinema to video.

  • May 24, 2005, 6:42 a.m. CST

    damn it pazuzu

    by ScaryJim

    I was gonna say The One :Two

    meh .

  • May 24, 2005, 6:45 a.m. CST

    RE:The Ewok Adventure II – The Battle For Endor

    by ScaryJim

    dude- there’s already two Ewok spin off films , the battlel for endor\( i think ) and return to endor(i also think ) one’s pretty gruesome , the little girls mum , dad and bro all get killed nastily . It’s way more hardcore than starwars , they only reeeely feature wicket though as a starwars character .

  • May 24, 2005, 8:38 a.m. CST

    Vern, trying to play by the rules …

    by Shan

    How about Speed 3: Escape Velocity? I heard there was serious talk about setting the next one in space.

  • May 24, 2005, 8:46 a.m. CST

    Forgive me…

    by Darkman

    …for staying somewhat on topic, but, well, I saw Michael Dougherty on Bravo’s “100 Scariest Movie Moments”. I can’t help but wonder if John Cusack is lying comatose in a Los Angeles hospital WITHOUT A FACE! I’m just saying.

  • May 24, 2005, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Eurotrip 2: Africa

    by so sorry

    last one, I promise…

  • May 24, 2005, 10:39 a.m. CST

    ScaryJim, Good grief.

    by George Newman

    You are ridiculous

  • May 24, 2005, 12:51 p.m. CST

    Starship Timecop Warriors: Van Dien, Van Damme & Van Valkenburgh

    by MrMxyzptlk

    A cop from the future must travel back in time to get a baseball bat from a gang member to bash the heads in of some alien bugs.

  • May 24, 2005, 1:39 p.m. CST

    More Duck for Your Buck

    by JeeBus

    Funny as hell, dancemonster. And also a realistic title for the sequel.

  • May 24, 2005, 1:41 p.m. CST

    yes, I created a monster

    by Vern

    That’s okay, I made a specific request and it was nice to see participation. Fun was had by, uh, some. Anyway I wanted to comment to the guy called Testicles about Ghost Dog 2. Of course we know what you’re talking about – Ghost Dog was one of the best movies of the last ten years, and also I already made that joke in the fuckin article. I guess my joke is different though because it’s based on the premise that it would be an insult to the original because somebody besides Jarmusch would direct it and treat it like it was an action movie. Black Dog is a good choice though, that’s one that would be surprising to suddenly have a DTV sequel. But believable.

  • May 24, 2005, 2:16 p.m. CST

    SUPERMAN THE MAN OF STOOL !!!

    by Man of Stool

    HA HA HA HA HAAAH! I`M MUCH FUNNIER THAN ZE AMERIKAN FOOLZ!

  • May 24, 2005, 2:18 p.m. CST

    Vern, are you still reading these? ’cause I can keep going…

    by so sorry

    and I thought my “Soul Plane 2 The Moon” was a legitimate DTV movie. where’s the love, vern…

  • May 24, 2005, 3:12 p.m. CST

    Mr and Mrs. Smith Go To Washington

    by Funmazer

    DTV sequel to the 2005 flop (just watch) Starring Shannon Elizabeth and Brekin Meyer.

  • May 24, 2005, 3:30 p.m. CST

    From the makers of “Three Men and Baby” comes… “Seven and a H

    by HypeEndsHere

    “Watch the wackiness ensue as the Seven Samurai take care of an orphaned baby while prtecting a town from raiders!”

  • May 24, 2005, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Cheaper By The Baker’s Dozen

    by Hamtaro_Hentai

  • May 24, 2005, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Oh Vern…

    by comealive1288

    How I love thy wonderful DTV reviews. You brighten up my already wonderful days.

  • May 24, 2005, 7:20 p.m. CST

    Darkness 2: The Darkness That Follows

    by Donnie_Drunko

  • May 24, 2005, 7:22 p.m. CST

    Finding Mr. Limpet

    by Donnie_Drunko

    There is only one man/fish that can stop the Thermonucular Sub manned by a escaped Saddam. The only question where is The Incredilble Mr. Limpet?!?!

  • May 24, 2005, 7:24 p.m. CST

    The Next One Crazy Summer

    by Donnie_Drunko

    The One Crazy Summer After Next will come out six months later.

  • May 24, 2005, 7:26 p.m. CST

    The Hand That Rocks The Cradle 2

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Subtitle : When The Bow Breaks

  • May 24, 2005, 7:32 p.m. CST

    Red Dawn 2: The College Years

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Only this time they drink blood from a lab rat from the science department.

  • May 24, 2005, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Who Raped Jessica Rabbit ?

    by Donnie_Drunko

    Roger and Eddy reunite to find out who raped Jessica. Was it a Toon? Was it a

    human? Was it a gungan?

  • May 24, 2005, 8:04 p.m. CST

    so sorry

    by Vern

    Okay, I will accept Soul Plane 2. But with a cast you never heard of and the cover says “special appearances by Coolio and Master P.” Also I like that everybody is casting Breckin Meyer in everything.

  • May 24, 2005, 8:13 p.m. CST

    HypeEndsHere, instead of your “Seven and a Half Samurai”, let’s

    by eraser_x

    I know this goes against Vern’s rules, but it’s relevant to your post. :-)

  • May 24, 2005, 10:13 p.m. CST

    And the award for worst sequel title goes to…

    by mr_macphisto

    PLATWON (Or, if you would, Pla2n.)

    …I’ll let myself out.

  • May 24, 2005, 10:16 p.m. CST

    thank you, and I’d like to oficially beat this dead horse with:

    by so sorry

    Warlock 2: Locked Out ; Monsters, Inc. Files Chapter 11;

  • May 24, 2005, 10:25 p.m. CST

    The Last Waltz 2 – We Lied About the First One

    by mr_macphisto

    Sorry, I got here late.

  • May 25, 2005, 4:36 a.m. CST

    why george why ?

    by ScaryJim

    because I am enlightened about Ewoks? Shame on you man.

  • May 25, 2005, 1:08 p.m. CST

    “Ghost Dad” Remake, with Eddie Murphy!

    by blotter

    Or if you want a sequel, How about, “The Last Boy Scout 2: The Jig is Up”!

  • May 25, 2005, 3:36 p.m. CST

    Better yet Blotter…..

    by Donnie_Drunko

    How about The Last Girl Scout

    This time around Willis teams up with the Lizze (Kirsten Dunst) from Wimbledon. Its been a few years since the events of Wimbledon and Lizze has been removed form the sport because of her drug and Alcohol abuse. One night she attends a Tennis Rave where a film crew is making a Tennis Chics Gone Wild video she wittness a murder and over hears a plot to Blow Wimbledon 2006 all to hell! Willis reluctantly gets assigned to pretend to be her new Tennis coach and the goverment gets Lizze back in the world of Tennis. As the game gets to match point only Willis and The Last Girl Scout can save the day……dummm dummm dummmm

  • May 26, 2005, 9:46 p.m. CST

    THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS

    by kiddae

    Some Dude, yours was genius.

  • May 26, 2005, 9:48 p.m. CST

    DAREDEVIL 2: ELEKTRA BOOGALOO

    by kiddae

  • May 27, 2005, 6:09 a.m. CST

    And what the hell kind of headline is that!?!!?

    by eraser_x

    “From the Writers of SUPERMAN RETURNS, Vern reviews …” is iliturit. How the heck can Vern be from the writers? I thought he’s from Seattle.

  • May 27, 2005, 8:08 a.m. CST

    UNDER SIEGE 3: STILL COOKING

    by timmer33

  • May 27, 2005, 6:21 p.m. CST

    You got served again.

    by Shan

    or You got served more. Yes, I’m not even really trying anymore.

  • May 27, 2005, 11:02 p.m. CST

    Too Funny

    by Donnie_Drunko

    A few days ago I sugested the title License to Fly as a sequal to License to Drive. While searching through some forums I came across some news that that title was actually being considered for a sequal title at one point. The plot envovled planes like mine but for different reasons…..I fell out of my seat laughing cause when I wrote that I was thinking what a dumb movie that would be LOL!

  • May 30, 2005, 3:41 p.m. CST

    The Passion, Part Two: Return of the Jewdi

    by Nine18Pictures

    The Monster Hit Squad – a grown up, alcoholic Rudy is assigned by a shady government agency to fly all over the world and take out suspected vampires, werewolves, etc. Then, he gets his hardest assigmnet yet: take out his old friend Shawn, who is now supposedly a werewolf. Ooo, the drama!!

  • June 3, 2005, 2:05 p.m. CST

    DD2: Donnier & Darker

    by MrMxyzptlk

    Breckin Myers takes over for Jake G’hall.

  • June 3, 2005, 2:11 p.m. CST

    Executive Decision 2: WMD

    by MrMxyzptlk

    The President concocts lies about non-existent WMDS, non-existent uranium, non-existent links between a sovereign country and terrorists and launches a war … wait a minute, it really happened. Damn… Anwyay, the POTUS is played by Breckin Meyer, Veep Cheney by John Saxon, Rumsfeld by the guy who played Niedermeyer and Janette “Good Times” Dubois as Condoleeza Rice.

  • June 8, 2005, 4:45 p.m. CST

    Robocop 8: Will You Buy This For A Dollar?

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

  • June 8, 2005, 4:47 p.m. CST

    The 14th Warrior

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    I know I know, another late joiner. Imagine I’m flipping you the bird because I am.

  • June 8, 2005, 4:50 p.m. CST

    Starship Troopers 2: Coldwar

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    This is about a bunch of fascist humans who screw Denise Richards’ brains out and the fragile peace they have with a race of washed up sitcom actors who only want the freedom to do fascist chicks whenever they want and whose leader recently impregnated Denise and gave her an alien baby. He keeps the peace only by giving her back to her nypho fascist people but how long will it hold?

    Also starring Ronald Reagan and Stalin as zombies.

  • June 8, 2005, 4:52 p.m. CST

    Daredevil 2: Bet You Wish You Were Blind

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    this one’s pretty self explanatory.

  • June 8, 2005, 4:53 p.m. CST

    Short Circuit 2: Lunch in the Cafeteria

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    I’m crying.

  • June 9, 2005, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Deep Blue Sea 2: Landshark

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    This time the scientests have gone too far. They made the sharks so smart they taught themselves how to use their fins as arms and legs.

    This summer, fear walks the beach!

  • June 9, 2005, 8:34 a.m. CST

    someone told me they might have already made Robocop 8: Would Yo

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    If that’s true then the answer is no, no I wouldn’t.

  • June 15, 2005, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Kid Colter 2: Still Coltin’

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Illegally Blonde: Red, White, & The Color Purple

    by maniACK

    Whoopi & Reese mourn for the Taco Bell dog.

    Yeah, I know I’m late to the party. Hope someone is still reading.

  • June 15, 2005, 2:45 p.m. CST

    The Equasion of All Fears: Jack Ryan vs. A Beautiful Mind

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Eraser 2: Still rubbin’

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 2:46 p.m. CST

    Shocker 2: Electric Boogaloo

    by maniACK

    Was that obvious?

  • June 15, 2005, 2:48 p.m. CST

    The Mask 3: Do You Believe in Life After Love?

    by maniACK

    Starring a green faced Cher with the powers of a cartoon.

  • June 15, 2005, 2:49 p.m. CST

    The Harry Truman Show

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Breakin’ 3: Still Boogalooin’ and Lovin’ It

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Secretaries Day: Groundhog Day 2

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Bride of Frankenfish Vs Man-Thing from the Black Lagoon

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 3:13 p.m. CST

    Another 72 Hours: The 72 Hours After the First 48 Hours

    by maniACK

    And the prequel, 24 Hours. Starring Keifer Sutherland & Eddie Murphy!

  • June 15, 2005, 3:15 p.m. CST

    Hannibal the Cannibal: The Musical

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 3:17 p.m. CST

    Crocodile Dundee 4: Mic goes to Hell

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 3:18 p.m. CST

    Jay & Silent Bob Strick Back Episode 2: Attack of the Cronic

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Emperor’s New Groove 2: All Krunked up

    by maniACK

  • June 15, 2005, 3:38 p.m. CST

    Men of Honor 2: Gooding Vs Sinese

    by maniACK

  • June 20, 2005, 4:47 a.m. CST

    The Last Talkack …

    by Shan

    … Part ?

  • June 21, 2005, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Things to Do in Denver When You’re Buried and Rotting in the

    by cstoffel

  • June 25, 2005, 10:48 p.m. CST

    Indiana Jones and the Quest for Geritol

    by Uncle Clay

    co-starring Calista Flockhart as Indy’s cane!

  • June 25, 2005, 10:49 p.m. CST

    From Ten Till Three: Vampire Bankers

    by Uncle Clay

    …those Enron guys need SOMETHING to do…

  • June 28, 2005, 3:25 p.m. CST

    damn studio bastards…

    by YO MOM’S GOAT

    stole my idea for Deep Blue Sea 2: Land Shark… they’re filming it right now off the Florida Coast using real sharks and real innocent kids that get their legs bit off.

    I want a piece of the action you bastards.

  • July 3, 2005, 3:34 p.m. CST

    Deodarant of the dead

    by gerbalBOY

    Ha ha ha, wen i read dis page i nearly pissed myself!!!

  • July 3, 2005, 7:12 p.m. CST

    yall crazy

    by MsMami

    here’s my two-cents….3rd installment of Meet the Parents….Meet the Parents 3:Meet the Grandmutha Focker….hahahah im soo corny

  • July 3, 2005, 7:29 p.m. CST

    damn after thought

    by MsMami

    meet the grandmutha focker…..Bernie Mac as a love interest for one othe grandmothers……hahahah

  • July 5, 2005, 8:28 a.m. CST

    This talkback will not die!

    by Shan

    Immortal … just like cancer.

  • July 7, 2005, 11:21 a.m. CST

    Never Ending Story IV: Because It Cannot End

    by vitonet

    :-)

  • July 8, 2005, 10:30 a.m. CST

    catwoman2: the skank strikes back

    by silverdog

  • July 8, 2005, 1:44 p.m. CST

    BLUE CRUSH 2: Topless Brodeo

    by LilOgre

  • July 8, 2005, 1:47 p.m. CST

    THE TERMINAL 2: Krakozia

    by LilOgre

  • July 8, 2005, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants: Assignment Neverland

    by LilOgre

  • July 8, 2005, 1:52 p.m. CST

    VAN WILDER 2: Adult Education

    by LilOgre

  • July 11, 2005, 1:57 a.m. CST

    this thread redeems much of this world

    by larman

    seriously. more creativity here than the last 10 studio releases. remember when “miramax” films used to mean something good? spielberg movies were had scripts AND effects AND told stories? tom cruise was annoying, but a good actor who didn’t act like a moron during junkets? studios and financiers insisted major expensive productions had scripts AND casting. just look at mr. and mrs. smith. it is a casting movie…much like the irwin allen disaster films of the 70s…”towering inferno”, “airport” series, “meteor” the rest. cast some alleged stars and a certain revenue target will be met by fans. write script later, if at all. anybody else notice a lot of the funniest and most interesting images from the trailer for “mr. and mrs. smith” WEREN’T in the movie? sadly, the amusing (if recycled premise) of this most egregious of summer movies had much promise…just didn’t bother writing it. actually, the trailer was better thant the movie. better pacing. ouch.

  • July 13, 2005, 4:07 p.m. CST

    Operation: Dumbo Dump

    by chickychow

    I was late to this party…

  • July 14, 2005, 3:47 p.m. CST

    Pitch Black 2: Blackenstein vs. Blackula

    by Seymour47

  • July 20, 2005, 9:33 a.m. CST

    Well, oh so slowly the sun is setting on this talkback …

    by Shan

    … and it will be missed.

  • July 20, 2005, 11:11 p.m. CST

    You have to be shiting me

    by JvlivsCaesar

    Hollywood not only have ran out of ideas

  • Sept. 6, 2005, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Am I The Only One…

    by Donnie_Drunko

    That reads back over this talkback with fond memories and laughs to be had? Side note I rented this dvd Bloody Mary just because of this talkback and well it really sucked ass. A movie of the posters reading thier ideas to a movie Exec would have been more entertaining.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 22nd, 2005 at 5:16 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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