Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…
No hot air balloons in this one. At least, not to the best of my knowledge. But who cares what it’s about? I’ll take any opportunity to read a review by Seattle’s finest film analyst, the one and only Vern:
Well I think it’s been a real good movie summer so far with RETURN TO THE MATRIX and THE AMAZING HULK and CHARLIE’S ANGELS GO FULL THROTTLE and JOHN ASHCROFT VS. THE X-MEN and etc. But now we’re at that crossroads of summer where it could go either way. Now it’s the more iffy movies and the sequels you’re not sure you want or you know for sure you don’t want. Okay, sure, people always wanted TERMINATOR 3 but did they want it if it had to be directed by the guy who made that submarine movie that they never bothered to see, even though they heard Bon Jovi got his head chopped off? A more extreme case is BAD BOYS PART 2. Oh yeah, I always wanted to revisit those great characters, officer (insert will smith’s character name) and officer (guy from big momma’s house). It will be great to find out what has happened to them since that bank robbery, murder, drug deal, kidnapping or whatever the fuck it was that they stopped back in that other movie. I wonder if they still like to sing the theme song from “COPS”, which was already a dated reference when the first movie was made like TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. Maybe this one will be more up to date and they’ll get some Judge Ito jokes in there. Maybe throw in a “Is that your final answer?”
So fuck that shit, we need something that will bring us all together in unity and togetherness and what not. So what I have for you today is a review of something we all can agree on, and that is a new Steven Seagal straight to video movie. With the release of this movie, everybody wins: Seagalogists like me can study his new works in the privacy of their own homes, everyone else can pretend Seagal does not exist since they do not see his name on a marquee.
With that in mind… what do you call it when you’re not really OUT FOR JUSTICE, and you’ve already said you were HARD TO KILL, and you want to come up with something else to call yourself? Well, how about OUT FOR A KILL? That is in fact the name of the new picture.
You *are* home. I was gonna ask you some questions about buddhism earlier but I couldn’t find you. “Oh yeah, I just stepped OUT FOR A KILL for a minute.”
Seagal plays Professor Robert Burns. No, not the brilliant art director of TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE and THE HILLS HAVE EYES. This Robert Burns is a professor of Chinese archaeology at Yale. Early in the movie he is given an award by the college and introduced as Yale’s “most distinguished academician”. (I wonder if he knows George Bush?) Soon we see him in China digging up ancient relics and explaining what they are to his lovely young asian assistant. When a thug disguised as a Beijing University archaeologist steps on an ancient relic and crushes it like a Dorito, Professor Burns just asks, “What’s up with this guy?”
Well it turns out what’s up is that several families of Chinese gangs have decided to unite to sit at an evil table in Paris and frame Professor Burns for drug smuggling. Before you know it they’ve murdered his assistant and he’s captured by a Hong Kong cop and cynical american DEA agent who think he’s guilty but let him go so he can lead them to the chinese gangs.
Things get even worse for Yale’s most distinguished academician when he gets attacked at a restaraunt (why do thugs always flip over the tables before they start shooting?) and then at the assistant’s funeral. Plus they kill his wife! What a bunch of assholes! So he goes to the assistant’s dad and says, “The souls of our enemies will be ashes and dust gone in the sky before the funeral of our loved ones. That’s a promise.” And thus begins an international quest that will mean revenge for himself and joyous entertainment for hundreds of action movie fans all around the world. In other words, he goes OUT FOR A KILL.
Oh hi Steven, I didn’t think I’d run into you. What are you up to? “Oh, you know, just out for a kill.”
I will be the first to admit that some of Seagal’s movies are pretty boring, including his last one with this director, THE FOREIGNER. But this one is a classic. The director of THIS WORLD, THEN THE FIREWORKS has teamed up with the writer of CYBORG COP III and the producer of OCTOPUS 2: RIVER OF FEAR to create one of Seagal’s most deliriously stupid pictures in quite a while. It doesn’t have the hilariously preachy/strangely subversive themes of his masterwork ON DEADLY GROUND but it breaks all kinds of new ground for Seagology, from the CGI Buddha used as a logo for Seagal’s production company to Seagal’s unique response to the popularity of wirework. (more on that later)
If you know your Seagal movies you may be wondering if Professor Burns is not just Yale’s most distinguished academician, but in fact Yale’s most distinguished EX-CIA academician. Well no, but he does have a secret past. It turns out that before his tenure he was a legendary international thief of valuable paintings and chinese artifacts known as “the ghost.” Some thought he was dead but actually he did 7 years in the joint where he earned his doctorate in Chinese archaeology, created a new identity and became a professor. Or so one of the chinese gangsters says at the evil table in Paris in between numerous pronouncments that “the gwilo professor is becoming a problem.”
Seagal is looking wider and moving slower than ever, and part of the joy of his pictures these days is seeing how they will try to convince the audience that he is some sort of an action hero. Early on it looks like all the action will be vehicle related, driving jeeps around splashing in puddles or a hilarious scene where he commandeers a small plane to scare its pilot into giving him information. (The pilot says his nickname is Crash “because I never have” – like that’s something to brag about. Shouldn’t most pilots be nicknamed Crash then?) But hang in there because there are some fight scenes that really deliver the laughs. Seagal has apparently thrown out the girdle and lets it all hang for some of his most Dolemite-esque fights to date.
In the first sword fight there are at least 2 shots that slo mo not Seagal, but the opponent jumping up in the air, and then all Seagal does is hold his sword up to block.
Later there is a fight with a master of monkey kung fu who flips through the air and climbs on the walls and ceiling. Despite all these acrobatics Seagal stays on the ground the whole time, lumbering around, waiting for his chance to punch the guy or pick him up and spin him around. The fight takes place inside the “Hidden Dragon Barber Shop” which is probaly Seagal’s way of telling Ang Lee and Yuen Woo Ping “thanks alot assholes” for bringing the art of fight choreography to levels even further beyond his reach.
Some of the filmatism can be annoying – lots of gratuitous slo-mo, and of course those subtitles that roll out onto the screen making little computer noises. Why do they always do that in movies? Is it supposed to be high tech? Does anybody really have a computer that makes those noises? I say just throw the computer out because when the dialogue tells me they’re at Yale I don’t really need to know what time it is or that it’s “Yale University, New Haven, Connecticut.” And I sure as fuck don’t need to know the names, nicknames and hobbies of each of the villains. That does not count as characterization when you just write it on the screen. Still, the low budget makes for some laughable visuals that many will get a kick out of, including a very obvious miniature model, alot of silly bluescreening and yes, a ridiculous bullet time inspired shot.
There are too many transcendant moments in this picture to list but I will mention a couple. I really liked the part where the Hong Kong cop was snooping around the evil S&M lesbian drug trafficking tatoo parlor and the tatoo artist asked, “Hey, do you want a tatoo?”
But my favorite was the scene where Seagal was locked up in a Chinese prison with an african-american cellmate. I guess Ja Rule wasn’t available to fill in for DMX so they just got some dude and then they made his role completely useless. Seagal asks his new friend how he got locked up and about one sentence into his story, it goes onto another scene. The dialogue fades out mid-sentence so at first you think it’s going to flashback to tell the guy’s story, and then you realize that no…. the movie just didn’t give a shit about his story and turned its attention elsewhere. Later, when Seagal gets let out, it’s like these two guys just survived a plane crash together. They give each other a hug and a pound and Seagal says, “Once a friend, a friend for life.” The guy says, “Don’t forget about me!”
And he is never seen or mentioned again. This is an incredible film.
If you only see one movie this summer, and it is an asinine new straight to video movie starring Steven Seagal, OUT FOR A KILL is your best bet. So mark the date August 19th on your calendars. I highly recommend this piece of moronic garbage.
“If you only see one movie this summer… OUT FOR A KILL is your best bet… I highly recommend this…” –Ain’t It Cool News
Thanks, man. Between you and Foywonder, we manage to fill our quota of obligatory references to OCTOPUS 2. Nice work.
Originally posted at Aint-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/15591
View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback
July 4, 2003, 5:33 a.m. CST
I am all over this like a rash. I wonder, does anyone know any universities which offer courses in Seagalology?
July 4, 2003, 5:36 a.m. CST
by darth sars
i remember the good old days with marked for death, and that other stupid movie with kelly lebrock (or however you spell her name).
too bad he can’t move half as fast as he used to…
July 4, 2003, 5:48 a.m. CST
With all of the DTHV crap that Steve and Jean Claude make, couldn’t we somehow find a way for a revisitation of the classic Dolph vehicle, “I come in Peace”?
July 4, 2003, 6:23 a.m. CST
Wouldn’t miss this for the world.
July 4, 2003, 6:25 a.m. CST
You have to ask yourself…
WHY the hell do certain people continue to make movies, despite the fact that they SUUU-HHHUUUK!! Good LORD what so they pay him with anyways? Twinkies, Ding-Dings, and Ho-Hos? The only thing this guy had he pisses away a LONG time ago. He lied to her, got her to marry him, but couldnt keep up the bullshit charade. I’m glad she left his stupid lying bullshit ass. The man NEVER had any talent what-the-fuck-so-ever.
July 4, 2003, 6:29 a.m. CST
This may sound pathetic but….
‘I Come in Peace’ was kind of fun. Brian Baumbaum was fresh off his sucess of “Dream On”, one of the absolute fucking coolest shows ever on Cable, and added alot of chocolaty humor goodness to the film. Plus that awsome big gun :) (sigh) oh well..
July 4, 2003, 6:30 a.m. CST
“Hey! Take my pies out of the oven!”
July 4, 2003, 6:33 a.m. CST
I just hope he makes a speech at the end. Seagal is cool.
July 4, 2003, 7:04 a.m. CST
Since there are no chartiy studios around, even movies like this must make a buck in the video stores or nobody would greenlight them. So people watch that shit (at least once) and that is a lot more scarier than the movie itself… hell, even christopher lambert is still making movies…. maybe they should team up together for the most anticipated movie of 2004 with the ballon, terrorists and hopefully some werewolves…
July 4, 2003, 7:42 a.m. CST
Steven Seagall goes in for a prostate message….
…and comes out having signed to star in “I Like Pie” and “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fat White Dude”.
July 4, 2003, 7:44 a.m. CST
by Holden’s girl
the guy who he meets in the prison cell, is MC Harvey from a Brit hip hop band called So Solid Crew. he was on a morning programme called R:ISE and he seems very excited about it!! Poor guy, first break into acting and all that
July 4, 2003, 7:46 a.m. CST
Steven Segal… a professor… at YALE? fucking priceless…
by TV CASUALTY
See Yalies, you’re school ain’t so exclusive after all. Seriously, this may be one of the best reviews I’ve ever read on this site. HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS.
July 4, 2003, 8:03 a.m. CST
Largojr, there is no shame in liking I Come In Peace…
by TV CASUALTY
OK, maybe a little bit of shame. But I’m there with ya. Will I buy the special edition DVD (If, God forbid, one were to be made)? No. Will I watch it on cable on Sunday afternoons? Absolutely. After all, it has one of the greatest b-movie lines of all time. “I come in peace” “And you go… IN PIECES”. Cinematic GOLD! Sorry to get sidetracked. Seriously though, this is the worst title of all of his. It’s barely even grammatically correct. But I’ll bet it’s deliciously fun to watch.
July 4, 2003, 8:32 a.m. CST
PLEASE SAY THIS IS COMING OUT OVER IN THE UKSOON!!! I SO REALLY
BRILLIANT! FUCKING BRILLIANT!! I HOPE THEY USE THAT QOUTE ONT EH VIDEO BOX! COME ONS TEVEYNENYNENYENENENE SEAGULLPLEASDE REALEASE YOUR MOVIE OVER HERE INT HE UK!!!!!!
July 4, 2003, 9:01 a.m. CST
Too bad that Seagal’s career went down after Under Siege
by Buscemi 01
He made some great movies. Above The Law, Out For Justice and Under Siege were great Action movies. Even his plotwise worse movies like Marked For Death and Hard To Kill had great Action Scenes and some of the best fighting Scenes I’ve seen. I wish he would have made more like those. Especially after Exit Wounds Warner should have given him a some picture deal.
July 4, 2003, 9:24 a.m. CST
I’m just nipping Out For A Kill, ten Silk Cut and a copy of the
I bet this movie sucks ass… But two Alice thumbs up for Vern. Now that’s what I call entertainment.
July 4, 2003, 9:55 a.m. CST
I’d pay $10 to see that in a theatre
Natch. This sounds wholly awesome – if it can even approach On Deadly Ground for shear abmismality (hey, a new word) than we’re all in for a treat.
July 4, 2003, 9:58 a.m. CST
Damn, I thought it was about a ballon ride hijacked by terrorist
by Tao Of Dumbass
July 4, 2003, 9:58 a.m. CST
re: MC Harvey
by Magic Milkmaid
That is fucking hilarious! He’s such a nob, i’ve just gotta see it. Great review too.
July 4, 2003, 10:17 a.m. CST
Vern’s comments on Bad Boys 2 sum up my feelings exactly.
by Serious Black
Really, who thought this would be a good idea?
July 4, 2003, 10:28 a.m. CST
The bard? Does Seagal write incomprehensible Scottish poetry? Does he recite Tom O’ Shanter whilst being attacked by hot air balloon riding terrorists? Now that I would pay to see…..
July 4, 2003, 10:49 a.m. CST
Its a bull market on reviews & reports these days!
by Frying Bologna?
Some good reading here on the homestead t’day. No annoying catch phrases. Vern. Quint. I think someone even proof-read Harry’s last review! Now, we just have to wait for Mori to let everyone know where to download the workprint for ROTK and the entertainment levels will redline! Oh, and we should soon have the computer horsepower to do CGI Seagal AND CGI balloons in the same scene (yo, computer, render THIS!)
July 4, 2003, 11:18 a.m. CST
So, will Duran Duran sing the title song?
by Osmosis Jones
Meeting you…while I’m Out For A Kill…faces to faces, secret places…feel the thrill…
July 4, 2003, 11:24 a.m. CST
I’m still wiping tears away from my eyes. For some reason your fight descriptions produced echoes of Air Bud playing volleyball. Maybe that’s because he just sticks his “paws” over the net and waits for someone to hit the ball right in front of them in a similar fashion. Maybe Segal should pair up with Air Bud for a joint venture. At this point, they’re probably at the same level of compotency.
July 4, 2003, 11:27 a.m. CST
I still watch his shit.
by Syd Mead
Okay, so it comes out on video I’ll watch it then have a rum and coke and then make fun of it. Sure, each movie has gotten progressively worse. Save for Under Siege, Glimmer Man and maybe Exit Wounds. When “On Deadly Ground” came out I agree that’s when the fun started…I even joked Steven should have done a follow up called “On Holy Ground” where he goes after the Pope. Every action star in decline has no choice but to make some real shitters to pay the rent. Just like Charles Bronson who was ice fucking cool in the 70’s but was reduced to doing dog turds in the 80’s. Nobody wants to touch them with a decent script, budget or other stars. BFD. What if Drew McWeeny got a call from Steven-fucking-Seigal and asked to do a walk on or god-forbid write a script? Moriarty would be down to Steven’s office soooo fucking fast he would still be wearing his spider man PJ’s with his ass hanging out. So make fun of him Drew, you just show what a classic L.A. asshole you are.
July 4, 2003, 11:34 a.m. CST
Seagal vs Billy Jack – The Musical
July 4, 2003, 11:56 a.m. CST
Hmm, Segal’s next film will see him directed and action choreographed by no lesser Hong Kong action maestro then Tony Ching(Ching Siu-tong) most recently responsible for the action in, “Hero”, “Invincible”, and as director, “Naked Weapon”….Its currently shooting in Thailand…could be very interesting
July 4, 2003, 12:02 p.m. CST
Why aren’t you drunk anymore? Are you not feeling well? You’re really disappointing some of us…
July 4, 2003, 12:24 p.m. CST
I want Seagal to team up with Merchant-Ivory for A ROOM WITH A K
by Margot Tenenbaum
Damn you Osmosis Jones. I wanted to do the Duran Duran gag.
July 4, 2003, 12:39 p.m. CST
Seagal’s best scene ever…
Was in “Executive Decision” when he got sucked into the upper atmosphere and died. I cheered.
July 4, 2003, 12:52 p.m. CST
This was , without a doubt, not only the most entertaining film review i have ever read, but the funniest thing of any description i have read since i looked at this really cool site called http://moogsamazingmusings.blogspot.com Wow, what a site that was.
Anyway, plug over, man, that was fuckin hilarious. but do you wanna know something, a little piece of information regarding the trancendental nature of take-the-piss movie reviews? i have in my possession at this moment, several preview cassettes of films soon to be released on video. i relate this tale, becuase, not six feet from me at this very moment, are two which i just recieved. one is National Security, which i shall watch in order to mine hittherto unexplored depths of scriptural hilarity, and the other? Out For A Kill!!! Can you believe i wasn’t gonna watch this?? sheesh. Man, if only i had got a review of Satanic Lesbian Eisenstien-Fiends in time, i mighta saw a masterpiece. but, anyway, fantastic review yadda yadda yadda
July 4, 2003, 1:14 p.m. CST
Again, my hat goes off, and, if my tupee should follow suit, the
To answer the question on the lips of every UK segal fan (or is that a boil?), according to the video i have here, the film will be zooming onto our shelves on 08:09:2003 so there you go. on another similar note (b#?), “I Come In Peace, i gather, is the American title for what i knew in my childhood days to be Dark Angel, about an aryan long haired blue eyed motherfucker who comes into town to fuck up old dolph. “i come in peace” “and you go in peices!” Wasn’t there an “…asshole” in there as well? i distinctly remember at least half a cheek. yadda yadda yadda
July 4, 2003, 1:40 p.m. CST
Amazing Steven Seagal still works at all…
July 4, 2003, 1:41 p.m. CST
by maxwell’s hammer
You just don’t get it do you?
July 4, 2003, 1:49 p.m. CST
celebrity boxing/karate on FOX
Its so funny going into my local vid store and seeing all these strait to video movies..with Segal,van damn,and even recently sly stallone…
while I do agree with the viewing of these films in the privacy of ones own home..Segal should take on van damn.(sly of course ref because he cant have his nose broken)like do as a warm up to freddy vs jason…ta just getcha in the mood for sensless violence..(yes I know my spelling is not good)
but when I heard about the out for a kill right now..I at first thought maybe “senetor(hard to kill) trent” got released from
“AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK”
Be well people…
July 4, 2003, 1:55 p.m. CST
hahaha this must be the funniest review ever!!!
July 4, 2003, 2:28 p.m. CST
Quit hating on Segal, hes got the downs.
Lets face it, Segal is the hollywood version of handicapped. Laughing at Segal is like laughing at kids in the special olympics.
July 4, 2003, 3:31 p.m. CST
FYI, GWB is not an acadamician, he’s an almnus…also, he’s a mo
by Mister Pink
So is Steven Seagal for that matter. I’d pay to see a full length Will Sasso parody.
July 4, 2003, 3:41 p.m. CST
Harry Knowles is he sordid love child of Carrot Top & Mama Cass.
And Steven Segal should star in a movie where he hunts down warewolf & vampire terrorists in hot air baloons. While Hulk Hogan has a beer, and cheats on his macho man, Rowdy Roddy Piper! (That never get’s old, Brother!)
July 4, 2003, 3:46 p.m. CST
thanks! that`s all i have to say
July 4, 2003, 3:46 p.m. CST
This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read on this website
That is all.
July 4, 2003, 3:47 p.m. CST
Sounds like the kind of flick that’ll make you wish Mike Nelson
by jules windex
He’s got Buddha as his company logo? That is beyond hilarious.
July 4, 2003, 3:54 p.m. CST
What did MCHarvey say?
Looks like he’s not around anymore. I need to know!
July 4, 2003, 4:11 p.m. CST
Steven Segal is a Yale Professor?!!!?
by The Paladin
I find this both incredibly funny and incredibly offensive. I might be able to buy Segal playing an Ivy league drop out, but a professor!!!!?????? This has to be hands down THE STUPIDEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF FILM MAKING!!!!
July 4, 2003, 4:25 p.m. CST
The greatest review ever?
by Mr Bonefish
I am in a state of shock after laughing my ass off following that description of Seagal’s african american “friend”….classic stuff. You made my day dude.
July 4, 2003, 6:46 p.m. CST
Out For A Krispy Kreme
You know, there are some walking punchlines you just never get tired of. God bless Steven Segal and his large ass.
July 4, 2003, 7:52 p.m. CST
Funny thing about Executive Decision
When it came time to do the Seagal Death Scene, he pouted and tried to bail and caused a whole scene and didn’t want to “disappoint is fans”, even though he knew well in advance his role and that the character dies (according to John Leguizamo on one of the late night talk shows, Conan I think). Seagal would do wire work, but bridge suspension cables are too visible on a movie screen.
July 4, 2003, 11:27 p.m. CST
I Love Seagal – Great Review, Vern
by Smilin’Jack Ruby
July 5, 2003, 1:30 a.m. CST
Slowly but surely, Talkbackers are building the ultimate AICN mo
It will have the following elements:
— A hot-air balloon
— Vampires & werewolves
— Hulk Hogan
— That sexy tomboy beanpole chick
— Zombie horror (reinvented)
Have I left anything out?
This could actually be a good movie, in an MST3K way. I think Harry should have a contest for the best screenplay.
July 5, 2003, 2:46 a.m. CST
Man, I’ve Been Missing Out.
Friends have always told me how fucking funny Seagal movies were,but I never had the patience for it.I think it’s time to get off my ass and bulk up my shitty video shelf.Maybe start Seagal Nights with my other geek pals.Now I really hope they make that baloon movie.Thanks for the tip,dude.
July 5, 2003, 2:50 a.m. CST
Just You Wait – Tarantino Will Cast Him In His WWII Epic and Sea
Uh…I could happen.
July 5, 2003, 2:53 a.m. CST
TOP TEN NEW SEGAL MOVIE TITLES
10.On Shaky Ground
09.Direct to Video
08.Hard to Watch
07.Out of Ideas
06.Of Dubious Value
05.The Much-Less-Slimmer Man
04.Below Your Standards
03.Wider Down Below
02.Executive Decision 2
July 5, 2003, 2:56 a.m. CST
Does Slamming Steven Seagal Count As “Hate Speech”?
If so,you’re all BANNED!-Sorry,I can’t stop laughing or posting.I need to come down with some granny porn or something.That’ll knock the wind out of my sails.
July 5, 2003, 3:43 a.m. CST
what about the other action stars that we don’t hear about anymo
Jeff Speakman, anyone?
July 5, 2003, 3:58 a.m. CST
Great review Vern.
I’m a longstanding Seagal fan, but I must also confess to being a Lundgren and a Van Damme fan too. Although the ponytailed whale consistently makes better crap movies, the contribution of the Swede and the Belgian to the good-crap genre should not be underestimated. Kudos to whoever it was mentioned “I Come In Peace,” or “Dark Angel” as it was called in the UK. Great film. Big haired aliens. Killer CDs. Huge guns. Marvellous. My brother wrote the review for it on IMDb, you know. But don’t forget the others: Lundgren’s heartfelt anti-war movie “Men of War,” or Van Damme’s matte effect masterpiece “Double Impact.” Now, you can claim as much as you like that you watch these movies “ironically” or because “they’re so bad they’re good,” but really, if you’re honest, you watch them because in movies, its good when people kick other people in the head and things blow up, especially helicopters. And you know with these movies, you have a guarantee that’s going to happen.
July 5, 2003, 8:26 a.m. CST
Why all the slo-mo in a Seagal film? surely his is a fighting style deserved of speed-ups, not bullet-time!
July 5, 2003, 9:18 a.m. CST
I heard that the original dog from Air Bud …
… died of cancer.
July 5, 2003, 11:14 a.m. CST
Seagal should have been in the Matrix
He would have been the best actor
July 5, 2003, 12:45 p.m. CST
…..Steven Seagal movies suck ass
why directors and producers still back that grease monkey for who knows how many movies he’s made they just get worse and worse. thankfully there are greater movies out to fill up the theaters
July 5, 2003, 3:13 p.m. CST
Great review Vern
One of the best in awhile, hilarious stuff.
July 5, 2003, 5:04 p.m. CST
qualopec, you missed a key element in the AICN movie.
Dead raped deer.
July 5, 2003, 7:58 p.m. CST
Steven Seagal IS a genuine badass
Just thought I’d remind you guys that, while his movies have always been silly (and now border
on unwatchable) he IS an 8th degree Akido MASTER and teaches his own form of Akido. This is one of the more difficult of the martial arts and takes about five
years to move up a level. This isn’t karate folks.
July 5, 2003, 9:32 p.m. CST
New Segal movie plot lines
OK folks, let’s mad lib a Steven Segal story line…Steven Segal is a (Botanist/Garbage Man/Gas Station attendant)who has a secret past….he was once (a CIA agent/KGB agent/Thin….when (Crack dealers/mob associates/balloon hijacking terrorists)…want a piece of the action, they take everything away from him…they kill his (wife/assistant/child/dog/goldfish/partner), and leave him for (dead/paralyzed/another man)…when a (man/person/human/loser) is pushed to the edge, someone has to (fight back/take out the garbage/pay)…..Steven Segal in (Above/Under/Hard/Crossing)…(The/The/The/a/an)…(line/death/kill/siege
July 5, 2003, 9:37 p.m. CST
On Deadly Ground 2
Steven Segal’s a fast food attendant that sat down for a day long sitting of eating beans and chilli. Unbeknowst to him, terrorists are trapped in a alcove mere inches away from his ass….On Deadly Ground 2
July 6, 2003, 1:40 a.m. CST
I was laughing tears at the part describing the fight scenes. And the rest of it was pretty funny, too.
July 6, 2003, 2:31 a.m. CST
My take on the hot air balloon, by Vern
As an acclaimed Seagalogist it is my professional opinion that if Seagal really made the hot air balloon comment, then he was joking. I do realize that it would be out of character for him to make a joke, especially a funny one, but I simply do not believe he would really pose something so low-tech and original as a premise for a movie. MAYBE if it was “terrorists take over one helicopter” or “terrorists hijack a motorcycle” or “terrorists take over a buddhist candle shop”. But hot air balloons just wouldn’t get Seagal’s imagination going, in my opinion. Now believe me, I hope I’m wrong, because I would pay almost any price to see that movie, but I am not holding my breath.
July 6, 2003, 2:45 a.m. CST
Dumpster-diving makes you stinky
This is why I read Ain’t It Cool. I knew it would be worth wading through the sissy-fight headlines and reviews of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That’s a fantastic review from a man who doesn’t take his crappy movies too seriously. Thank you.
July 6, 2003, 8:31 a.m. CST
Saw the cover for this in Blockbuster. My first thought = What the FUCK are tom Sizemore AND Dennis Hopper doing with their faces clumsily plastered onto the cover of this turd, next to Seagull’s mush!!??!! So, naturally, I rented it and watched it at work with a couple of colleagues. I tell ya, we laughed like Hyenas. Bits to watch out for: 1) Hopper’s accent switching from Leprechaun-Irish to American. Is this on purpose? I dunno. 2) The shot of Tom Sizemore driving during on what looks like a hot BRIGHT summer day. No problem, apart from the fact that this shot is sandwiched into the middle of a fucking NIGHT scene!!!! 3) The leather jackets. Why is everyone wearing them? It can’t be to look cool, since they’ve even got Ol’ Whale gut wearing one. 4) This is one my colleague pointed out. Forty minutes into the film. WHY THE FUCK HASN’T SEAGULL STOOD UP YET???? And it’s true, he’s either sat at his desk or sat in his car. Move your fat ass! 5) This one was my personal favourite. Hopper and Jaime King driving along in a car… except they’re not, they’re sat in a studio while a blue screen background plays behind them. Then Hopper slams the brake and they speed up the blue screen to compensate. This was so good I had to rewind it three times to make sure my eyes (which were watering from laughing so hard) weren’t decieving me. Describing it just doesn’t work, you HAVE to see this shit. 6) This is brilliant. The obligatory race-against-time-to-stop-the-bomb. We see a digital readout saying ONE minute left til BOOM! Sizemore fucks and faffs around for more than FOUR minutes trying to decide what wire to cut (I know this because, by now, I was counting the seconds til this lump of dogshit ended) and then it cuts back to the readout which says there’s still SIXTEEN seconds left! After four minutes!!! No fuckin’ waaaaaaaay!! There’s suspension of disbelief and then living in denial. Albert Pyun (the “director”) isn’t fit to suck Ed Wood’s cock. I wait, and pray, for Spec Ed DVD with his commentray, just so I can liten to him and Seagal saying, “I’m sorry…. I’m so, so, so sorry…” for the whole eighty minutes. They owe us. Twats!
July 7, 2003, 12:24 a.m. CST
Welp, Steve’s Comeback!
Steven could lose weight.
Get in shape. And make Under Seige 3.
And be on top again. With Andrew Davis directing.
His bad movies and the reviews on this site crack me up.
Anyone seen the Toliet Boys Steven Seagal show cartoons on atom films? Hilarious!
But I am rooting for him to make a comeback.
And I’m not a fan either, weird.
I feel for the underdog. Plus I know how hard it is to lose weight. So does Harry. I’ve won my battle thankfully, pretty much.
July 7, 2003, 12:48 a.m. CST
i got a movie for steven segal…..
by Kangaroo Jack
Cockmaster 2000. he could be the cock that goes into Stallone’s shit-covered asshole. fuck segal. fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick.
July 7, 2003, 5:45 a.m. CST
The very minimum requirement of an action star
Wouldn’t you think that if you’re trying to maintain a reputation as an action star that the VERY MINIMUM requirement would be that you try to stay in shape? What does this guy weigh now? I mean, I’ve got no problem with fat people, but we’re supposed to believe that this guy can beat the hell out of anybody. And incidentally, Sammo Hung doesn’t count; he can actually do everything he’s portrayed as doing, and he doesn’t wear mumus and insist on close-ups that don’t show his chin wattles. I’ve always hated Seagal, and I’m just glad that the rest of the world has finally caught up to me. He’s an insult to both martial artists and action stars everywhere. He’s a joke, he’s always been a joke, and he’ll die a joke. Hopefully soon.
July 7, 2003, 6:26 a.m. CST
It’s Monkey ‘BOXING’….
… not Monkey kung fu, ’cause I recently got lectured on the subject. Speaking of anal, who the hell would want to call it Monkey Boxing in the first place? I mean, why would a monkey want to box when he has probably the most devastating natural weapon in the animal kigdom? Projectile Monkey Shit (PMS).
July 7, 2003, 8:58 p.m. CST
FAT LIKE ME
The man made some hot shit in his time. MARKED FOR DEATH is just one example. I agree that UNDER SIEGE marked a turning point in his career that in hindsight proved a huge, career-destroying blunder. A big budget, glossy B-film posing as an A-film. Not his usual low-budget, scrappy, gritty, fight-scene-every-three-minutes effort. A mistake, not from his POV perhaps, but certainly from ours. And then he gets fat besides. And makes ON DEADLY GROUND. I also agree with the TBer who said Will Sasso should do a feature-length Seagall spoof.
July 8, 2003, 4:54 a.m. CST
QUOTE: (defiledmetalzine) Just thought I’d remind you that Seagal IS an 8th degree Akido MASTER and teaches his own form of Akido.
Erm, and just thought I’d remind YOU that Seagal was ‘given’, YES given, his 5th Dan black belt by his then wifes father, in order for Seagal to take over the ‘family’ Dojo.
He was only a 3rd Dan at the time. he did not EARN the Dan grade in any way shape or form.
As mentioned before, Seagal has his own ‘type’ of Akido, and has effectively graded himself for both 6, 7 (apparently 8th? last I heard he was 7th Dan) Dan grades.
My Sensei is a 9th Dan in Ju-Jutsu, and laughs at ALL Akido practitioners ‘they fall over for you, my students don’t fall, they get knocked down’.
That said, I still think he kicks ass, and although I do Ju-Jutsu, I’d run if he came looking for me… :)
April 20, 2005, 4:40 p.m. CST
Vern update: 2 years later
I have now re-watched OUT FOR A KILL on DVD as part of my Seagalogy research, and I have discovered a grievious error at the end of this review. The cellmate (a character named King) is not seen again but he is in fact mentioned in a scene where Professor Burns asks a DEA agent to have King released for “a second chance.” I don’t know how I missed this the first time but I can only blame 99% myself, and 1% society. Anyway, my sincere apologies to Mr. Seagal, his family, all readers, and fans of Seagal’s films and music. Everything else I said though was 200% accurate.
Oct. 21, 2007, 10:06 a.m. CST
July 6, 2008, 7:15 p.m. CST
is the most popular mega movie star on the planet. With real life bodyguard and martial expertise experience, other actors can’t beat Seagal on the screen with their hollywoodish mentalities
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.