I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern Takes In COMIC BOOK VILLAINS!!!

Hey folks, Harry here… I’m not allowed to say anything further about Vern, under penalty and threat of death… Knowing the rumors I’ve read about what Vern can do and organize to be done, I have great fear for the man known as Vern. Beware of Vern. Be Afraid… He’ll hurt you with laughter sometimes… sometimes with sledgehammers… You’ll see…

Dearest Harry and Moriarty,

I thought for a second there I discovered a movie you didn’t know about. But after a thorough study of your “search engine” device I found out that some other individual reviewed COMIC BOOK VILLAINS once when it played at Cannes (a popular french film festival). I read over the review though and I disagreed with almost every point he made. I’m not saying it’s BLADE 2 or even CITIZEN KANE, but it is a surprisingly good small straight to video type picture and I have reason to believe that Harry and others would enjoy it when it comes out September 3rd on the video and dvd type mediums. By others I mainly mean Moriarty, I guess. But I will get to the movie after this next paragraph which is just rambling and bullshit, etc.

Comic Book VillainsThis time by the way Harry I decided to co-address it to Moriarty. I think last time I said Harry was my only true friend and that Moriarty was a backstabbing liar and doll collector or something like that. Also didn’t I read somewhere that he was supposed to be writing Mortal Kombat 3? What the fuck was up with that man. Wanted the trilogy to go out with a bang I guess, bring it full circle to part 1, taking all the elements we loved about the first two but building on the momentum of the character growth to bring more emotional resonance to the whole deal. Then a robot dude or a crazy witch lady jumps out and fights and there is electric guitars. But you know despite all that I am an honorable man and there is room in my heart for both you boys, for occasionally giving me a worldwide audience and providing a link to my puny geocities web sight so it will get shut down for the rest of the day.

Anyway Harry, this is my point. COMIC BOOK VILLAINS is a story of two rival comic shop owners who hear a rumor about a recently deceased individual, formerly in his ’50s and living with his mother, obsessively collecting comic books since his childhood. This turns out to be a collection even more valuable than they imagine and they each bend over backwards trying to convince the mother to sell them the collection. Only thing is she doesn’t want to sell it. And they won’t take no for an answer. So things escalate, the way things do in movies. Except some of Richard Linklater’s.

Now there are a number of reasons why I believe you boys would actually enjoy this picture. The main reason, which I will refer to as reason #1, designating both its chronological type appearance and its ranking, is feel. This is just a movie that feels like they know the world they are depicting. Your previous reviewer SPY-der disagreed and said that the writers were trying to prove they knew something about comic books. Actually the movie was written and directed by James D. Robinson, who, according to my research, is some kind of famous comic book writer. Also he wrote one of the old drafts of JASON VS. FREDDY, which is my pick for most anticipated completely asinine movie, especially now that Ronny “BRIDE OF CHUCKY WITH WHITE HAIR” Yu is the skipper. Just so you know Kane Hodder is listed as a stuntman in COMIC BOOK VILLAINS so he is obviously practicing, keeping juiced in case they give him the call to play J.V. again.

Now shit Harry I wouldn’t know but this whole comic store deal seemed real to me. Like, these are the type of people you would actually meet if you were interested in reading children’s comic books. Except maybe a little more pleasant.

I liked how the two shops represent two approaches to selling comic books. Donal Logue (from BLADE) owns a shop for the real obsessives, who are passionate about comics. His store is clunky and falling apart, but filled from floor to ceiling with comics. Donal is always there, smoking a pipe, talking to his nerd minions. There are people who hang out there and have conversations about comics, with such themes as there is some superhero who is not allowed to jerk off because his sperms are little versions of him that would be set loose in the universe. These conversations take place in the background luckily because this is not a Kerwin Smith type picture.

The other shop is owned by Michael Rappaport (sadly, not from BLADE). His store is smaller and neater. He and his wife seem to think of comics less as an “art form” and more as a commodity. He makes most of his money off of “Magic cards” and the customers you see in there are mothers and sons. More a store and less a community center for people in Hellboy t-shirts.

Also it seems real because as far as I could tell all of the comics shown and mentioned in this movie are real. Now hold on, don’t get excited boys, I’m not saying that Superman is a real guy. I’m saying that in the real world there is a comic book called “Superman” which is actually published, read, etc. Don’t take me so literally please. The point is, don’t you get tired of movies where the character is really into some comic book, and it’s obviously supposed to be Superman or Batman or whatever, only they call it Fantastic Man or Amazing Man or some stupid shit like that. So we’re supposed to know that they mean Superman only they won’t give us the fucking courtesy and respect of giving it to us straight, saying the actual name Superman. And at the same time they can’t come up with a comic book that you believe a comics fan such as Harry or Moriarty would actually want to read it. Now maybe there are a few too many instances of the writer James D. Robinson a famous comic book writer mentioning the comics and artists he likes just to plug them in his movie. But for the most part it feels genuine and they also have other details like they talk about this “san diego” deal you boys are going on about.

In case you just skimmed that last paragraph, Superman is not real. You gotta read it more carefully there bud.

Now Donal (still from BLADE) is obviously set up as the good guy, since he has the passion and his friend (DJ Qualls, that weird looking kid we all know from the trailer for THE NEW GUY) is the narrator. But, and this by the way is number 2, the characters. The characters aren’t quite as TWO-DIMENSIONAL as you would expect in, say, a TWO-DIMENSIONAL COMIC BOOK. (capitalization for emphasis) In my opinion Michael turns out to be the better person even if Donal (BLADE) is the better comic book nerd. I also liked the way they depicted Carey Elwes (who I like to think of as the not as bad version of Treat Williams) mainly because of the scene that SPY-der didn’t like. There is one very effective romantic scene between Carey and his lady friend which shows that there is more to him and makes him more interesting. It also makes you share his concern for the well being of his house during a violent scene later on. Come on man Donal he worked hard on that house, why don’t you go outside and fight on the lawn or something.

Anyway that’s the scene that the executives and the test screeners would say to cut out, it is only crucial to the character and to making the film good, it is not crucial to the plot so cut it. The fact that they left it in made it a more genuine picture.

Anyway Donal is the star of the show, and he has the perfect look: long greasy hair, sweaty face, with a variety of dead-on costumes including tight cutoff sweatpants and an ugly blue coat that he probaly got when he was in high school. I have never seen a guy like this in a movie but I’ve seen him in real life over one thousand times just since I got out. My guy didn’t smoke a pipe though but chalk that one up to the artistic licensing.

I also appreciated that this is a character who does not have a car, so his mode of transportation has to be explained in various scenes. This is something you almost never see in movies and although I do not want to glorify this particular character I would encourage your readers to explore this lifestyle. For more information visit your local library or read my epic dissertation (Click) on THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS.

By the way Moriarty did you know that the comic book HELLBOY is being turned into a movie by one of our top directors, Guillermo Del Toro. You heard it here first Harry.

I also was surprised by the effectiveness of the style in this picture. If I were to guess I would think that comic book writers make bad filmatists just like most special effects guys or mtv directors do. But this guy mostly knows what he is doing. The picture is lit more like a drama or a thriller than a wacky comedy (which is not exactly the tone of the movie anyway). I liked this because most comedy directors, such as Kelvin Smith or Adam Sandler’s college roommates who direct his movies now, think that since it’s only a comedy it is okay for the movie to look like garbage. I also liked the method he uses of close ups on comic panels which say a little about the characters they are juxtaposed with and not usually in too literal of a way.

The movie does have its weaknesses. I think Natasha Lyonne is a little too cartoony in some of her scenes. I like the theme (again, created by a famous comic book writer) that collecting a bunch of crap can suck your life away, but I admit it gets a little corny in parts. Still, I think it’s put together real nice and it shows an understanding of you comic book people that you never get in a movie, so I hope it doesn’t slip through the cracks.

Well now that I look at the back of the screener it says it is trailered on FEDERAL PROTECTION, CROCODILE 2, PROJECT VIPER and other fine films so I’m sure it has a good chance of catching on big. Also it says it has a “SUPER-CAST!” So check it out boys.

By the way Harry don’t put any of that “redneck” or “hillbilly” shit in your intro. I am not either one of those things plus what’s with the classism there bud this is the ’90s. thanks man

your friend,

Vern

p.s. also what’s with this small wonder web sight, is this guy serious or what? “Push vicky’s little red button” – jesus! Click Here!

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/13027

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 7:46 a.m. CST

    FIRST!

    by BitterMan23

    Yep. First.

    …we all know from the trailer for “The New Guy”… tee-hee.

    Still, more people saw it than poor Pluto Nash…

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 7:47 a.m. CST

    Ironic Humor

    by X-3

    it was pretty funny, mostly a huge waste of time. Less talk about yourself and your rambling ideas and more about the film. I guess now you’ll be ‘famous’ and everyone will speak about you.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 8:03 a.m. CST

    The headline said ‘Vern takes in Comic Book Villans’!!

    by Chilli Kramer

    Don’t take them in Ven, they’re evil, I tell ya! Side note: So what’s this guys transportation if he’s not got a car?

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 8:29 a.m. CST

    James Robinson is some kind of comic book writer?

    by RenoNevada2000

    Get your ass out and buy the complete run of Robinson’s STARMAN now, infidel dog!!!!!

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 8:53 a.m. CST

    this movie sucked in every which way imaginable (SPOILER as if a

    by schmuckmeister

    what were they trying to do??

    it starts out as a somewhat over dilligent pro-comic movie with 2 too obvious kevin smith referrals in the first minute, turns into a ‘don’t collect comics or you’ll die without ever really living’ drama, turns into a ‘hammer-mutilation of a stripper’ pulpfiction wannabe into a ‘nerd gets money, chick and a european life’ happy movie..

    I didn’t expect anything of the movie, didn’t even know it existed,just accidently picked it up at my local videostore (in Holland), & was curious…but boy, what a mistake!

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 9:16 a.m. CST

    MY FAVORITE COMIC BOOK VILLAIN IS DR. DOOM !!!!!

    by POGOPOPE

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 9:57 a.m. CST

    Starman

    by walnutr113

    Just wanted to say that Starman was one of the best comic series of the 90’s. Would love to see a movie of it.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 10:02 a.m. CST

    This is funny right?

    by rev_skarekroe

    “Kerwin Smith”? Trying to scoop Harry and Moriarty on “Hellboy”. I don’t get it. These kids today have weird senses of humor. sk

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 10:11 a.m. CST

    “But Aquaman – you can’t marry her, you have gills! (meteor

    by WeedyMcSmokey

    Can’t remember whole quote – This is where the comic book collectors rail on me for collecting Simpsons quotes. Now we join in our little who’s more pathetic dance – cue the music.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 10:36 a.m. CST

    That casting…

    by Christopher3

    Is spot on. The only thing that would make it better is a cameo by Steve Root, in really thick glasses.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 10:36 a.m. CST

    P.S. “But Aquaman…”

    by Christopher3

    “How can you marry a woman with no gills? Oh, I’ve wasted my life.”

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Vern is one seriously funny motherfocker

    by adrianmole

    enough said

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 11:36 a.m. CST

    This guy blows

    by Super Mendez

    What a shit review. “Read my epic dissertation on The Fast and the Furious…” I didn’t have time to read your “dissertation” Mr. Fake-ass Grad Student, it took nearly all my energy to get though that fucking waste of space you call a review. Oooh! Oooh! I’ve got a scoop on Hellboy! Guillermo Del Toro is going to make a movie out of it! Well no shit, you don’t say? It’s only been news since oh… about April. Dumbass. Vern, next time try reading your “review” before submitting it. If you find the words “I”, “me”, or “my” in every other sentence, then your talking more about yourself and your opinion; and nobody gives a fuck about either.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 11:40 a.m. CST

    to “X-3” from Vern

    by Vern

    You’re talking to me? I disagree. After re-reading that review I think there was WAY too much talk about the movie. But I’m glad you liked it. By the way if being on “the ain’t it cool news” makes you famous as you’re implying then I’ve already been famous many times, just type in my name in the search engine and you will have yourself the best two days of reading you ever had. Your welcome for just changing your life forever with the power of my writing. your friend, award winning film Writer Mark Hammil

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Simpsons quote

    by rev_skarekroe

    It goes like this: “But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You’re from two different worlds! Oh, I’ve wasted my life.” sk

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 12:24 p.m. CST

    That review was ALL kinds of shit.

    by King Rhythm

    What a pile of wank. Yeah, another fucking guy obsessed with himself, flogging his tool on AIC and picking on a sub-group no different from film snobs. Comic geeks, Film geeks, Trekkies, who gives a fuck?

    And a guy named after a cuntwad from a shit 80s book thinks this guy’s funny, but doesn’t want to say “fuck”. Christ almighty.

    “Superman’s not real, by the way”. Fucking hell. Neither are you. The film sounds shit too. Robinson was the guy who was about fuck up League of Ex. Gentlemen too, wasn’t he?

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 12:45 p.m. CST

    Rev Skarekroe, I bow…

    by Christopher3

    To your Simpson-Fu.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 1:11 p.m. CST

    Shit Review

    by Garko

    Vern – Next time, it might be useful to actually REVIEW the movie in the header.

    Y’know, RE-VIEW – where you offer your opinion on the movie itself, not the culture that inspred it.

    I did actually spend valuable time reading your “review” of The Fast & The Furious, and found it to be pure pompus crap and again, you manged to go 5,000 words (this is an exaggeration, Vern) without commenting on the actual film. Instead you trash the inspiration: cars in general. Whats the matter, did you lose a puppy to an Oldsmobile?

    Please don’t waste valuable Web-space again and let Harry post something that is actually readable and informative on the subject titled.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 2:28 p.m. CST

    Thank you, Christopher3

    by rev_skarekroe

    but all that Simpsons-fu really means is that, like Comic Book Guy, I’ve wasted my life. sk

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 2:28 p.m. CST

    “Knows a bit of what he speaks”?

    by SleazyG.

    Let’s see: he doesn’t know movies, reviewing, comic books, spelling, grammar, or modesty…yeah. Great. What does he know again? Oh, right. How to suck in that classic “I’m not really 11, I just act and write like it” AICN manner. Come on, kids–run what you type through Word’s spell and grammar check before you submit. Oh, and right before that, learn how to speak and write coherently.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 2:29 p.m. CST

    Outlaw Vern is the greatest film reviewer since…

    by Wee Willie

    Dorothy Parker. He’s brilliant. His review for Final Fantasy: Spirits Within is the greatest thing I’ve ever read. And I’ve read most of Tolstoy.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 2:34 p.m. CST

    Lighten Up

    by Elohim

    You guys are taking this review way too seriously. I will now forever refer to Carey Elwes as the not-as-bad version of Treat Williams.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 3:21 p.m. CST

    Glad someone liked it…

    by SPY-der

    Hi, kids. Reading through that review I was wondering if perhaps Vern works for Lions Gate and was trying to do some spin control before the direct-to-video release of CBV (please note, most movies that go d-t-v do so because they suck and the company knows they’d never make back their money on a theatrical release). Having finished the review, I’ve decided that I no longer care. Reviews are all about personal preferences. Personally, I thought CBV blew, but that’s just me. If Vern liked it, power to him. Glad someone liked it. If he buys the DVD perhaps Lions Gate can recoup some of their negative costs. — SPYder, out.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 3:32 p.m. CST

    In defense of, well, me

    by Vern

    1. I am not a “fake ass grad student.” I am merely an outlaw of Cinema and Badass theorist. I called it a “dissertation” as a self-mocking type description because as far as my reviews go, this particular piece is, like, really long. It does not matter that it is also an epic work that will blow your balls off your dick and straight out the wall, back around the block, through the window and into your pockets in case you need them again later.*** 2. I’m sorry if some of you insiders may have found out about my HELLBOY IS GONNA BE A MOVIE scoop shortly before I posted it, probaly due to leaks from some of my associates. However if you read the paragraph I was talking specifically to Moriarty and Harry and I haven’t seen either of them whining that they already knew this. I assume this means they were happy to learn this exciting hot off the presses Del Toro news, unlike you ungrateful bastards. *** III. Mstermind: I don’t go to your job and tell you how to sharpen the pencils, so why don’t you leave this swearing shit to the pros. I know what I’m doing. 4.You fuckers have the nerve to criticize my spelling and you don’t even know that “shit” is a noun and not an adjective. You’re looking for SHITTY for crying out loud. And you gotta be british to say “shite” or “wanker”, don’t just start saying it because you liked Trainspotting. That’s cultural appropriation I believe is the term.*** #5. To Garko: I did review the movie, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Where did I criticize the culture that inspired it? I even followed the formulaic standard that I hate where you have a paragraph explaining the premise of the movie. I compromised my values just for you crybaby newsies and you’re still not happy. Then I talked about why I liked the characters, the story, the depiction of comics, Donal Logue (he was in BLADE by the way). I even singled out the excellence in costuming and lighting since the previous reviewer for some reason mentioned these as weaknesses without explanation. Then I mentioned a few weaknesses but said that I thought overall people would be pleasantly surprised by it. I saw this movie, I liked it and I didn’t want the other guy to have the last word on it because he didn’t give it a fair chance. I’m doing you comic strip guys a FAVOR. And I don’t even GET Ziggy. *** 6. Why would you put a web document through Word? That’s a word processor, man. I don’t get you.*** 7. I’m sorry if you didn’t like my FAST AND THE FURIOUS review but what did you expect, I already said to go there for information about not having a car. Did you think I was kidding? By the way it was 2,495 words before I got to the actual movie. I put it in Word, like the weirdo said, and did a word count. Anyway, linking to another review in the middle of this review may be “self promotion” but it is also “hypertext”, which is the fancy word for “what this medium of the web is supposed to do”. You link different documents together, it is an interactive format, not linear like a dear abby column. If you don’t like it don’t look at the web. And by the way the web is really going to start becoming pretty popular in the next 2-3 years in my opinion but let me get off of my soap box. *** 8. My favorite part of reviewing on the ain’t it cool news is how for some reason at least 8-10 people are completely outraged by whatever I wrote. and my second favorite part is how I get outraged by their outrage.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 5:08 p.m. CST

    Major scoop right here!

    by almightysarlacc

    There’s going to be a comic book adaptation of the film “Hellboy”! The artist is some guy named Mike Mignola. He can’t draw Ron Perlman all that well, though. Early concept art looks weird…those goggles he wears look almost like filed-down horns or something.

    Nuge!

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 5:41 p.m. CST

    They Always Get Everything Wrong.

    by Buzz Maverik

    Haven’t seen the movie so I can’t say for sure, but it seems like Robinson is perpetuating the same old negative, self-hating stereotypes (collector lives with his Mom, comic fans are disheveled losers). And on a technical level … well, these days, the dead character had better have one helluva collection because there isn’t much of a market for back issues. Also, as a fan, it sounds like I’d rather shop in the bad guy’s shop. The store I patronize is clean, organized and professionally run. I don’t want to shop at some grime-hole that IS run by the people who embody negative stereotypes who won’t speak above a whisper to answer questions but will sound off to make snide comments on your purchases and act like they’re doing a you a fucking favor by getting off their asses from the Magic The Gathering game to take your money. As for the cards and collectibles, they were the only thing keeping comic book stores is business a few years ago. Things are supposed to be better now, but if you love comics, you should be glad your store sold that crap.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Vern is my Hero

    by El_Barstardo

    You nerds need to get a fucking sense of humor. What did you want, a critical analysis on the merits of this film? ITS A DIRECT TO VIDEO RELEASE for Gods Sake! Who cares! Vern was entertaining, amd that counts for alot in my books.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 8:57 p.m. CST

    The comic market went to crap . . .

    by Wydok

    when Neil Gaiman stopped writing Sandman. Think about it: the reasoning is obvious. Gaiman is god; McFarlane is my bitch. ;->

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 9:47 p.m. CST

    Word processors are overrated. Who wants squiggly red lines unde

    by Son Of Batboy

    Must be a fad that all the young kids are crazy about like tattooing barbed wire around their arms or using “instant messaging”. I guess the phone isn’t instant enough. Well, if its anything like instant coffee I’ll pass. Vern, as usual great stuff man. I don’t even wanna know how you came across that Small Wonder site, but I didn’t go far for fear of unannounced visits from shouting men wearing helmets. I just finished paying off the Home Depot for their last “visit.” On another topic, according to some other sight, Kane Hodder probably won’t be back for FREDDY VS. JASON. They have some notion they need to make Jason likable. You’re telling me his stealth, knack for catching people without running, and endless MacGuyver-esque ability for improvising ways to maim and murder all while being indestructible aren’t likable enough? Sheesh. I read they’re looking for an actor who can “emote.” I’m not sure what they mean but maybe it’s something like “email” but with castles and junk sort of like ARMY OF DARKNESS. If they really wanna make Jason likable I think they should just run a bunch of ads comparing Freddy to Bill Clinton or tell people that Freddy is soft on crime. Then they could show Jason standing behind a podium, sleeves rolled up to the elbows with a flag superimposed and waving in the breeze. Also it would be good to have clips of Jason shaking hands with workers at a construction site while wearing a hard-hat.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 10:54 p.m. CST

    To Son of Batboy from Vern

    by Vern

    Those are some good points about Jason. One thing they teach you in writing classes is that to make a character likable, you make them really good at what they do. And it would be hard to argue that Jason is mediocre. Another thing they teach you in writing class is that all you gotta do to be a writer is say hey, I’m a writer. But I disagree, you also have to write something first, then you say hey I’m a writer. Anyway it would be good to include firemen in there somewhere, or astronauts. But I guess Jason has already caused tension with the astronaut lobby due to that incident with the space station.*** As for the rest of you fuckers, I disagree. The reason this movie is good is because Donal Logue fits those stereotypes in ways that only a talkbacker would deny was true to life – but at the same time he is more than that. He starts out as the biggest nerd but the one you like the best. Then he evolves into something worse than you ever would’ve thought he could be. The least nerdy comic shop visitor is pretty much the villain, and the most nerdy is the narrator. The guy who lived with his mom is not portrayed in a negative light, other than being dead. And the one tough guy character in the movie also loves comics. So it does not fit what you are saying. If you like I will write a new review that is twice as long to clear up these misconceptions and I will have my buddy harry there post it for you boys. thanks for your feedback.

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 11:45 p.m. CST

    Time for a few “earth-to’s”

    by macdanife

  • Aug. 19, 2002, 11:53 p.m. CST

    this time I promise to hit the correct button and post something

    by macdanife

    Reading the talkback for this review was kinda like watching the scene in Zoolander when all the male models are standing around and the one is mocking the other because he didn’t understand the obvious sarcasm in his hairgel comment. Earth to Brent, the hellboy comment was a joke. And you responded like you didn’t know it was a joke. Or maybe you just didn’t get it right away. I am saddened to be the one to point this out to you. Vern, your humor is lost on the stupid. Enjoy your orange mocha frapachinos, dill holes.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 1:32 a.m. CST

    “Hello, Earth to Brent…”

    by MCVamp

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 2:02 a.m. CST

    Vern, the bitter community college student

    by Super Mendez

    What a crybaby! So some people called you out on your SHITTY writing style, big fucking deal. Just because you got an “A” in intro. to lit. at Podunk Community College, it doesn’t mean you’re Mickey-Fuckin’-Spillane. Your “review” was nothing but a veiled “plug” for your nickel-and-dime Geocities website and your useless opinions. Once you eliminate your inane ramblings on pop culture and get to the point (e.g. the movie) your article is about a paragraph, which is all a direct-to-video film needs. Now get uptight and bitchy and try to defend yourself, or do us a favor. Go cry to the handful of fanboy friends you have that you were called out for your SHITTY writing on AICN. Their sympathy and 98 cents will get you coffee at McDonalds for you to cry in. Hey Vern, hot scoop, did you know they’re making a sequel to X-Men. Dumbass.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 2:20 a.m. CST

    Yeah, this guy does need help with his reviews.

    by Heywood Jablowme

    I have to agree with Super Mendez, this guy needs to learn to edit his reviews. Stick to the topic. I don’t give a fuck about your 2,400 word steamy pile on the Fast and the Furious, so don’t bother with a link to your website in order to boost your number of hits so as to impress your friends. Brevity is fundamental Vern, and in that spirit…Later

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 2:54 a.m. CST

    Okay there’s some for everybody

    by Vern

    Dear motherfuckers: Just to clear up a few more misconceptions. I did not go to college. Unless you count wednesday night writing classes which, to be honest, were not responsible for my best work. I believe I do my best writing right here on the ain’t it cool news. I’ll keep practicing if you promise to keep getting mad every time and then keep coming back. I hope I will continue to learn in this journey just as you have. That is really what it’s all about man, in my opinion. To me talkbacks are really about growing, and becoming a better person together. It really means alot to me that you boys are willing to share your deepest insecurities with me and also that you are honest enough to call me on my shit, even though you are obviously wrong every time. It takes balls though, to come out against an award winning film Writer and say something that is obviously wrong. I admire that. I am an american and to me america is about the freedom of speech. I believe in the right to say what you believe, even if you are a kkk, nazi or talkbacker. I hope just as much as you do that you’ll be able to sit at the grown up table once we’ve made it to the end of this long, crooked road that is you being wrong and me being right. But first you’re going to have to stop sayin this bullshit about how the review only has one paragraph about the movie. It makes you look wrong when you say something that is wrong like that. The truth is it hurts man, to be torn apart like that. I am man enough to admit when I am hurt, and you should be man enough to admit that everyone on this talkback, except for the two people who liked my review, is wrong and jealous. Anyway no, I did not know they were doing X-Men 2. Is Huge Ackman in it again?

    p.s. “heywood jablowme.” The Fast and the Furious review is not 2,400 words. That’s only the intro before I get to the part about the movie. check it out bud. thanks boys

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 11:10 a.m. CST

    Did you know there is gonna be a Star Wars 3?

    by Filthy Fox

    Yeah, my good friend Vern was telling me about it over at the local comic book shop. He said it was even directed by George Lucas. That’s right. You heard it first.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Macdanife, the HELLBOY thing wasn’t a joke.

    by SleazyG.

    To quote one of Vern’s previous posts: “I’m sorry if some of you insiders may have found out about my HELLBOY IS GONNA BE A MOVIE scoop shortly before I posted it, probaly due to leaks from some of my associates. However if you read the paragraph I was talking specifically to Moriarty and Harry and I haven’t seen either of them whining that they already knew this. I assume this means they were happy to learn this exciting hot off the presses Del Toro news, unlike you ungrateful bastards.” I won’t comment on the use of the word “probaly”; instead, I’ll point out this guy actually thought something mentioned literally dozens of times on this site was a scoop. It’s even been a headline in the last week. The joke is on anybody who thinks they have connections to the inside poop when it’s something that’s already been on every single website for months, not to mention print magazines like WIZARD and PREMIERE. Oh, here’s another flash: there’s a DAREDEVIL movie coming out, but I don’t really know anything about it because I can’t even figure out FAMILY CIRCUS.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 12:28 p.m. CST

    “It takes balls though, to come out against an award winning fil

    by SleazyG.

    Jeebus, Vern–if you’re talking about yourself, that explains a lot about the sad state of film today. What award did you win?

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 2:08 p.m. CST

    Vern’s “award”

    by Super Mendez

    His mom put his 10-page “dissertation” on The Fast and the Furious up on the fridge with a little gold pasty star. That, or his award was douchebag of the year. I thought I told you to go cry in your coffee Vern, quit your whining, you’re obviously not getting any sympathy here. Your article was a joke, we called you on it. Get over it and go on with your pathetic existence.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 2:46 p.m. CST

    me again

    by Vern

    chastain86: you make some good points about how I shouldn’t post in the talkbacks. I will think about them after I post a couple or three more times. However the web is an interactive type medium and that is why I prefer Writing on the web to a newspaper. Also because they won’t let me in the door on account of my record. Who’s “the weez” though? * * * mistrmind: I apologize, I was being too harsh. You were polite in your talkback and I wasn’t. You didn’t deserve it. I just think it’s a ludicrous argument though and it’s one I’ve heard alot so that’s why I went overboard. I don’t like the words “spoof” or “flick” but I’ll still read a review if some jackass uses those. But it also chaps my fanny because the whole “it’s wrong to say fuck or cocksucker” attitude stems from, and continues to be caused by, blatant classism. The whole concept is that people who say fuck or shit alot are not as good of people as the ones who say darn or fiddlesticks or poop or I’ll be gobberslopped. Why? Because they are working class and talk like human beings, and therefore they are bad people and should not be allowed on The Ain’t It Cool News when I’m on my lunch break. fuck that shit, man. pardon my french. I’m glad you learned something though, glad I could help. * * * Filthy Fox: I’m not a fuckin retard man I know there’s already been 5 counting that last one with Christopher Lee. * * * SleazyG: one or two of those sights MAY have reported the Hellboy scoop shortly before I did, I don’t know. I try to hold myself to higher journalistic standards when I’m on the ain’t it cool news though, so I had to make sure it was actually confirmed. those guys were just guessing, I’d bet, I was the first one to definitively confirm it post-San Diego comic book convention that they have down there. I agree about Family Circus though man, I’m glad I’m not the only one. What the FUCK is up with that? there was a whole week about how a bird flew in the window and Jeffy kept crying. you kids have a WEIRD sense of humor now. As for the award, I won Cinemarati’s film related web site of the year for 2001. Even though I had rejected their membership requests twice. (I later joined up.) Second place was that database that Amazon has, IMDB. Super Mario: for the last fuckin time, I don’t drink coffee. Unless I didn’t mention that before, in which case, for the first fuckin time.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 3:23 p.m. CST

    Damn, this guy is a windbag

    by Heywood Jablowme

    Every other talkback post is Vern crying about how he’s being picked on. Obviously a few people (actually, a majority of the posters) didn’t care for your article. So what. Referring to them as “Dear motherfuckers” doesn’t say alot for how you treat criticism. Now go jerkoff to your limited edition laserdisc copy of Blade. Or, should we prepare ourselves for another 1,500 word sob story? Oh, and fuck your “award”. Maybe if pay for my membership in Cinema-club or whatever they call it, they’ll give me an award too.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Heywood Jafukov

    by Vern

    Boo hoo. This is me crying about being picked on. Pardon me, I have to blow my sensitive nose. Actually, I was responding to specific things people said. I don’t have time to come over to your house and tell you in person so I use this convenient bulletin board type format to communicate. If you don’t want a response don’t write on the fuckin internet, man, and don’t e-mail me. Also don’t write me a letter, or have a conversation with me, or call me on the phone, or send me a telegram or talk to me on a walkie talkie or tin can. These are all forms of back and forth communication, not one-sided. If communicating with other human beings is inconvenient for you then write your points on a napkin and bury it in your backyard. I can’t vouch for anybody else but I probaly wouldn’t respond. thanks for your understanding, your friend Vern.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 5:59 p.m. CST

    Wow!!! A gian dildo up Harry’s big fat ass!?!? What a great

    by warpfactor

    Hey peoples. I just wanted to say this: BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! he he hoah!!! Okay anyway, did any of you bastards here about the new movie coming out called: knock knock, whos there? Boo. Boo Who? Why are you crying? The movie. MAN THAT MOVIEIS GONNA ROCK!!!!!

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 7:24 p.m. CST

    HEY LUCIOUS YOUR A COCK SUCKER!!!!! i GAVE A DAMN GOOD REVEIW EA

    by warpfactor

    READ THE MOTHER FUCKING SUBJECT!

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 7:47 p.m. CST

    As the “previous reviewer”…

    by SPY-der

    Hi kids. SPYder, here. Speaking as the aforementioned “previous reviewer,” I looked back at some of Vern’s comments and agree that I threw some stuff out there without explanation. As I was sitting there in Cannes, typing away with all eight furious legs trying to warn people to avoid CBV, I realized that I was spending an awful lot of time on a picture that I wouldn’t recommend to anyone. I decided that rather than spend that much time writing about a movie I didn’t like, I’d summarize a few key points and go try to catch a screening of something good (tried to see Spider-man in French, hadn’t opened there yet). In fairness to Vern, here’s what I had in mind: Costumes — amateur and stereo-typed. Someone felt the need to try and force this into some kind of weird late 50’s kitsch. Vern liked what they did to Natasha, I thought it was a very poor parody of that 50’s “June Cleaver” stereo-type. She wasn’t dressed like June Cleaver, she was dressed in an ill-fitting, bulky June Cleaver knock-off. It just seemed incongrous to me. Took me out of the moment and I actually thought, “Damn, who dressed Natasha? That thing is hideous.” Even if she was supposed be a repressed slut in Cleaver clothing, it should have fit her better. June never looked frumpy, just conservative. The rest of the costumes were generic stereotypes, too, and they didn’t need to be. Lighting — well in some places it just plain sucked. The interior shots of Donal’s comic shop felt like they were on a badly lit set rather than an actual store (which even if they were shot on a soundstage should have felt like an actual store). There were a number of shots where the director was probably trying to do something stylish that just flopped and left his cast poorly lit and hard to see. This was a good cast in a poorly written and badly directed movie that’s getting better than it deserves; at least it’s coming out on video before pay-TV, cable, and network broadcast. Some movies don’t even get a video release. — SPYder, out.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Vern, take notes from SPY-der, that’s how it’s done

    by Super Mendez

    You see Vern, you CAN post a successful article on a movie that is 1. Free from blatant plugging 2. Free from glaring obscenities and 3. Not 3,000 words and to the fucking point. Sorry about the swearing, I was making a point, as opposed to just throwing it out there to be “edgy” as our buddy Vern tries to be. Maybe you should look into retaking that writing class. It’s kind of obvious I’m not alone in this opinion. So get to work on your next 2,000 word manifesto that your going to bless us with on the talkback. Make sure to use several “colorful metaphors”, it shows your intellect, dipshit.

  • Aug. 20, 2002, 10:05 p.m. CST

    Okay, so I typed your instead of you’re

    by Super Mendez

    It’s not like I have a mechanical error in every paragraph, as opposed to the above article. Read the article over and try to find a paragraph that doesn’t have some type of mistake, good luck. Vern, quit raping the English language. Go retake that writing class; and pay attention this time, dammit!

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 4:09 a.m. CST

    comments

    by Vern

    SPY-der: thanks for the clarification. I hope I didn’t sound like I was criticizing your review there bud, I just disagreed with it. I thought Natasha Lyonne’s character was the weakest spot in the movie and I can see what you’re saying although it didn’t bother me at all. I thought all the other characters had the perfect costumes though especially Donal Logue. The coat and cutoff sweatpants mentioned in my controversial review were not cliche, but they were about as real as they come. SUPERMAN: Well I really don’t want to follow any of those three rules you presented, but thanks anyway. The thing you don’t understand is that those aren’t mistakes, that’s how I write. On purpose. It’s called the vernacular. An accepted approach to writing and, to be frankly honest, one that is superior to your limp dick talkback style. Anyway yes, it is allowed in good writing to write the way you really talk and not the way that jackass with the syndicated writing column tells you to. If you can accept that Harry puts lots of… these… in his… sentences… then this concept shouldn’t be too difficult. anyway thanks again bud keep practicin. As for the rest of you bitches: this is the 2000s, let’s drop the anti-gay shit.

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Ebonic_Plague is my new hero.

    by Voice O. Reason

    That guy’s the bomb, yo.

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Vern you can’t be serious that you write the same way you ta

    by Heywood Jablowme

    If that’s the case, then every other word is “fuck” derivative of it. Perhaps you are in the fifth grade, in which case, as Towelie said, you should be forgiven. Somehow I think you’re probably some sad 22-year old who reads too much Maxim, and watches too much South Park. Go cry somewhere else you bitch and while you’re there, learn to fucking write a decent post like SPY-der. Super Mendez is right, take some fucking notes douchebag.

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Vern, quit jerking off to pictures of Jimmy the cab driver

    by Heywood Jablowme

    That was Donal Logue at his finest. And don’t even start with that “Tao of Steve” shit. They ripped off the “Brothers McMullen” syle of movie every which way they could, short of giving the characters Irish names. Both Blade movies were piss-poor. I watched at least a dozen people leave in the middle of the premiere of the second one. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I’m not giving the third one a chance.

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 3:19 p.m. CST

    To Heywood

    by J_McCloud

    I think that Jimmie the Cab Driver was pretty good, but have you seen “Grounded for Life” on Fox? For a stupid sitcom, it is pretty good. This Donal guy gets outshone by the always excellent Kevin Corrigan. It also often employs an interesting flashback structure that the geeks like so much. What will happen is often the show begins when a character does something stupid like crash a car or gets pregnant and then you see the events leading up to the stupid act. You might want to check it out. Like I said, for a sitcom–OK. Kevin Corrigan is good.

    Also, to those talkbackers wonderinng about Ver’s age: if you read his sight you will know that he spent some time in the slammer, thus he must be over 18 as I doubt he means Juvie.

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 4:25 p.m. CST

    J McCloud, you actually went to this guy’s site?

    by Heywood Jablowme

    This guy actually says that he’s been in lock-up, done some hard time, huh? Wait while I try to catch my breath, I’m laughing so damn hard. Yeah, I can tell from his posts that Vern is a hardened ex-con who doen’t take any crap. Okay, I’ll play along with the make-believe game. Gee, let me guess what he was in for…kiddie porn (too obvious), how about fencing stole property (too dignified), no, I’ve got it, the crime he committed was posting SHITTY reviews on AICN. Yes, I know it’s not illegal to post shitty reviews here, but it should be. This guy went to jail, sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on that one. This guy is as fake as Pamela Anderson’s tits.

  • Aug. 21, 2002, 4:37 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by meat&2veg

    Is James Robinson perhaps? Maybe this was made just to show at comic conventions. It sounds geeky enough. Hey, I wonder if James, whoops, Vern has heard they made Spider-man into a film?

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
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