“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Vern returns after long hiatus, starts yelling some weird shit about John Woo doing ninja turtles movies

YES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IT IS A NEW VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS

REALLY, NO JOKE

JUNE 27, 2001

Hey, remember me. Vern.

If you don’t know me, what it is is I used to be in prison. Then I started Writing movie reviews on the internet. then stopped.

(capsule version)

Or if it was TV Guide it would be even shorter:

Vern Tell’s It Like It Is (:30). Ex-con reviews films. (R)

One time I saw one for Baywatch where all it said was, “Bikinis.” Like how are you supposed to know which episode that is, really.

Anyway the point is this. Shit changes. P.S. Shit NEVER changes. I been out of the picture for MUCH longer stretches than this six months here, so this is nothing. But let’s do a little review here.

The last time you heard from me here was December 2000, when I did the Crouching Tiger review.

Times can be hard for a motherfucker, in my opinion. Case in point, these times we’re having right now. I’m not gonna blame this retard we have in the president’s house, but jesus. What a perfect mascot for america fucking itself in its own ass.

Let me tell you something, if you got an individual who is a ticking time bomb, like let’s say his name is Vern. I don’t care how mellow the reputation is, don’t send this dude to Seattle. This place is getting ready to explode.

You know how I feel about cops but, jesus. They couldn’t have more accidental shootings of black people if they tried. And remember that whole wto fiasco? Out of all the gorilla cops that went nuts that week, the ONE that got fired – the one that got videotaped going up to a car, knocking on the window, then pepper spraying the two women inside, AND kicking down a medic (in a seperate incident)- you guessed it. Reinstated with back pay.

In seattle, you can do that. And enough time has passed that everybody says – ah, fuck it. You don’t get a riot in Seattle. It just slides.

I mean you talk about a city where the people are boiling. We have the second worst traffic in the country, but it’s even worse if you DON’T have a car. How many fucking times can you be hit by a motherfucker talking on a cell phone before you say “enough”? We got this asshole in Bellevue who got rich selling engraved watches to fraternities over the internet – every year he makes a new initiative that takes money away from public transportation. So the fare is going up again, the routes are getting cut again, and they sure as fuck aren’t making the service any better. I mean how much do you really want us to pay to sit between a laughing dude that smells like piss and a guy who suddenly pulls a stack of quarters out of his mouth?

You motherfuckers think you’ve got it bad driving to work in your suv, listening to tom lykus talk about tits? try WALKING to work, asshole. You got crosswalks here but NOBODY stops. We gotta actually run out into the street and hope you’ll swerve. I mean it should not require an act of civil disobedience to cross the fucking road.

Let’s say your using a crosswalk, and no cars will stop for you. You keep inching out further into the road. Finally an old lady slows down and lets you cross.

So you’re crossing and then this piece of dog shit shaped like a man, driving a little sports car, rolls up behind the old lady and HONKS AT HER for a) observing the pedestrian’s right of way, b) exercising common courtesy for a motherfucker and c) delaying the sports car by 3-4 seconds in its journey to the red light half a block down.

And then let’s say, while the sports car is waiting at the light, you go up and try to talk to the guy, but he pretends like he doesn’t see you, so you punch through the side window, and you tear his shirt and then run along the side of the car and slap him a couple times before he gets away.

I mean, that shouldn’t be illegal is all I’m trying to point out here. In my opinion. But apparently some people in Seattle disagree. In my experience.

Well I been having some troubles dealing with the climate of America 2001 but there’s one thing that always puts a smile on my face. That’s when I check my e-mail and realize that holy shit, I STILL got people Writing to me. These are people who don’t know me from adam or steve. They don’t know if they can trust me, or if I’m even a real person. But they want to make sure I’m still alive, make sure I’m still clean, encourage me to Write again. People who still see a movie and think, I gotta recommend that to Vern. I got a guy Writing from New Zealand, telling me facts about The Quiet Earth. I got an individual who sent me a Jet Li dvd that he thought I would like. (just came out in the us, but they changed the name to Meltdown. What, High Risk was too asian for you fuckers?) I got another individual who wanted me to see nowhere to hide before it had come out on video. so he arranges for some greek he knows in Cyprus to send it to me. I mean I got guys all over the world, in my opinion.

Thanks fellas. I’m sorry I haven’t reciprocated. But you all inspire me, so I’m trying to get the juices flowing again. I didn’t want to unload a big pile of shit on the sight here, so I did a few practice runs over on the ain’t it cool news. You can search for my reviews of ed gein, scratch and ghost world. I also did the crow salvation and cruel intentions 2 a while back. I’ll probaly keep sending them more news about straight to video crap, but hopefully I’ll have the REAL shit for my sight.

For example here as an editorial about John Woo.

John Woo, what in fuck’s name is wrong with you sir

by Vern

Dear John Woo. I read on the ain’t it cool news that harry read in variety that you are going to make a movie about the teenage ninja mutant turtle comic strips.

Harry and his boys are real excited about this one. also the guy who made the comic strip says this will be good. It’s not like the cartoon, it’s like the comic strips. It’s EDGY. They made it back in 1981 or something, and it was EDGY. It wasn’t like the cartoons, I bet there was even boobs.

Dear John Woo. Dear Harry. Dear creator of the Teenage Ninja Turtles. I know what you mean about the comic strips is better than the cartoon. I hear it’s in black and white and everything. It’s real dark and serious. And “edgy” though also.

But seriously though. Isn’t it still about ninja turtles.

That is one thing you are forgetting, it is about turtles that do karate.

I know what you are saying. Vern, I read these comics 20 years ago, I know I was 12 then and I collected pewter figures of dungeons and dragons, and I was masturbating to a picture of heather thomas at the time, but if I remember correctly this was a brilliant work of art, so there’s no way it could be what you say it is.

I’m sorry to break it to you like this my nerd friend but it is true. Read the comics again you will be surprised but I have done my research and this is a true fact, they are turtles.

in summary, I’m sure you will agree that this should never, ever happen. you don’t make movies about talking turtles, john, this is 200 and fucking 1 for crying out loud. I know that made dungeons and dragons into a movie but that doesn’t mean it’s fucking right. If there’s is one thing I know about you sir it is that you believe in honor and an honorable man does not making a fucking turtle karate movie just because the internet lets you get away with it.

thanks john

–vern

Anyway the story is this. I am back. I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m not gonna be doing this column weekly. I don’t know how soon I’ll be able to get really rolling again, if ever. But I’m gonna give something back. I owe you motherfuckers for backing me up for all these months and I WILL repay you with my works and Cinematic deeds.

Because you can take the man out of the internet, but you can’t take the internet out of the man. God damn it. I tried.

That’s weird that you can take the man out of the internet but you can’t take the child porn out of the internet. One time I saw a web sight about adults that take pictures of themselves wearing diapers. I mean, I’ve seen alot of things in my life. I could list all the body parts I’ve seen bit off in fights. I’ve seen a man break another man’s nose while holding an umbrella in one hand and a double-scoop ice cream cone in the other. I’ve seen satanic rituals and sex shows and parties straight out of a nightmare but there are some things I never woulda known about if it weren’t for the internet.

I mean, do they shit in those things or is it just for looks, that’s all I wanna know.

Anyway enough about grown men wearing diapers, or little rugrats pajamas and they roll up on the floor and suck on their thumb, but they got a big shaggy beard and everything. thanks for reading I hope to get back to you soon.

your friend,

Vern

part time columnist, full time Writer

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 27th, 2001 at 5:20 pm and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “Vern returns after long hiatus, starts yelling some weird shit about John Woo doing ninja turtles movies”

  1. Loved being able to read this. The link always seemed broken on the old site. About crossing the road, sometimes when that nice old lady stops for you and lets you cross you almost get hit by the asshole coming the other direction.

  2. I don’t think anybody levels the same arguments at “Usagi Yojimbo,” or Dave Sim’s “Cerebus.” I mean, of course it’s a strange idea, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Eastman and Laird did a lot of interesting things in that first volume, I think – especially during that mid-section, when it sort of turned into an anthology series, and they began letting all of those guest artists onto the book, like Michael Zulli from Sandman, and so on – and, while that first film really did go a ways toward capturing some of that real ‘indie’ feel, it’s due another go around, I think.

    Personally, I want to see them actually use those weapons they keep swinging around so wildly. I mean come the fuck on guys

  3. I love reading these old articles. It’s crazy how much Vern has changed and grown as a writer in 8 years.

    Still as persuasive as ever, but it would take a lot to convince me that a John Woo Ninja Turtles isn’t at least worth making.

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