Well, in the tradition of Scream 3 I have been watching bad sequels to movies I haven’t even seen in the first place. This is the sequel to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine which is supposedly a good “spy spoof.” What a spy spoof is for those of you who are too young, they used to have movies like James Bond 007, which is about a secret agent who gets laid ALL the time and goes on adventures around the world and what not, with little devices and what not. You know what I mean. So these james bond pictures were so popular that spy spoofs became a pretty huge genre. What they are is they are in the same style as James Bond but they are a little more campy and fun, more entertaining, funnier, sexier, better, etc. But sometimes you can also take them kind of seriously even though they’re mostly for laughs. For example the best one was the Flint pictures, Our Man Flint and In Like Flint starring James Coburn one of the few who I would want to play me in a movie. This guy is also in 1998 Oscar winner Affliction and 1999 Outlaw Award Winner Payback. Anyway Derek Flint is this secret agent who has a team of beautiful gals working for him, and he flies around the country to teach ballet, he is a master of karate and can meditate so deeply his heart stops. And he has to stop a plan about this evil cold cream I believe. Well I don’t know man, it’s hard to explain to you kids with no context, you don’t know what james bond is obviously you’re not gonna know what the fuck a spy spoof would be like. Sorry.
Anyway I THOUGHT this Goldfoot deal would be funny. It stars Vincent Price as the diabolical Dr. Goldfoot, who has created an army of EXTREMELY hot robot gals in bikinis, when they kiss you they explode. That’s how he assassinates the 7 NATO generals and then he impersonates one who looks just like him. His opponent is a secret agent played by Fabian. The movie is directed by Mario Bava, it is Italian so the voices are all dubbed on afterwards, and the music is real happy groovy ’60s goofball music.
I have no idea WHAT the fuck this movie is about, though. Mostly there is a lot of real bad keystone pigs type of comedy, with the film all sped up and people running around bumping into each other. There are these two really stupid characters played by Ciccio and Franco, who I read are supposed to be the Italian Abbot and Costello. Well let me name a few comedy teams that are funnier:
- The American Abbot and Costello
- The Icelandic Abbot and Costello
- The albino Abbot and Costello
- The leper Abbot and Costello
I mean these two are horrible. Vincent Price is good like always and I like looking at the girl bombs, but believe me, it is not a good movie or a good bad movie. I haven’t even seen the original but I’m telling you, stick with the original. The only real good part in this is the end credits when all the girl bombs dance while some gal sings about Dr. Goldfoot.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.