First off, an update on the International Badass Committee’s 100 Most Badass Films of All Time project. I am currently tabulating all of the mathematical equations, the scoring, the points and what not. It is a very complicated type of process which I will not bother to bore you with but let’s just say it requires both addition, subtraction and other forms of mathematical skills which, to be frankly honest I am not the best at. So if Soccer Dog: The Movie or some shit like that ends up winning, that is why. Human error.
Also did you know there is a movie out now called The Real Mackaw that is about a talking parrot named Mack that knows all the secrets of the pirates. I mean jesus these Hollywood people what goes on over there.
Anyway point is, this is your LAST FUCKING CHANCE folks. While I am calculating and formulating all of this data and what not, I am going to give you the last call to be a part of this important historical and cinematical event. If you forgot to vote or even if you did vote but forgot a few pictures, this week you can still send in a list. These will only be given one point for now but they will be voted on in the next round so who knows they could still make it.
Yes, you read me right, there is going to be another round in order to make this more accurate and scientifical. I hope you motherfuckers who already voted won’t mind if later this week I e-mail you a survey to vote on.
Anyway enough of that garbage let’s get to the column. Although I am obviously VERY fucking established at this point in my opinion, I am still relatively new to the movie web sight game and sometimes there is shit nobody tells me. For example nobody told me you’re supposed to go to San Diego this week for some comic strip convention. Hell even if they told me I can’t afford that kind of nonsense on my budget.
But what I did instead is I did the next best thing, I watched the documentary Trekkies which is about all of these nutjobs that watch the TV show “star Trek” from the ’60s.
Now I know everybody likes to make fun of the “trekkies”. There is this cliche that they are the ultimate nerds and they wear pointy ears at the conventions and they say “live long and proper” and all this. Well let me tell you if this documentary is any indication, that whole cliche is a bunch of bullshit. Because the reality is MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
I mean good god you will see what I am talking about when you see this. HOLY fucking SHIT. A real eye opener. If you thought the guy wearing the superman suit all the time was crazy just WAIT til you meet some of these fuckjobs.
First off, most of these people would never settle with pointy ears. No, they are Klingons and magic space alien ambassadors and what not. They dedicate their lives to making sloppy halloween costumes and some of them even go to the hospital dressed as klingons to visit sick children. Yeah that’s exactly what a kid wants when he’s dying is to see some moron in a bad space alien costume going “GRRRRR, I’M A KLINGON FROM STAR TREK. This costume is based mainly on the episode ‘Bloodlust Part 2’ although I chose to use a weapon that is a composite of the one used in that episode and one used only in a series of oil paintings a friend of mine did for the trek talk newsletter back in ’93.” That is what just about all of the people in this documentary are like. There are very few reasonable people in this movie who are not a part of the star trek cast.
Admittedly, there is like one dude in the documentary wearing pointy ears. There is also a guy who got his surgically altered. Another guy who seems pretty nice and normal but he says he would have his surgically altered if he could afford it. Also he wears a star trek uniform in public and so does his poodle.
There is another gal who is famous because she wore a star trek uniform to jury duty during the Whitewater trial. She also wears a phaser and a badge to her job at the print shop and everybody there calls her “Commander.” The thing is, she doesn’t smile about it. I think the bitch is serious. She says she is the commander of the such and such space ship and part of being in the federation alliance is community service so she felt it would be a good message to her soldiers to wear her uniform, she doesn’t want any of her soldiers to EVER be ashamed to wear their uniform. “I just wore it like anyone else in the military would.” I think she reallly thinks a star trek fan club is part of the military. I mean maybe it is I don’t know that much about it but if this is what our tax dollars are going toward no wonder everybody is starving and homeless.
The worst dude in the whole thing is the guy who is wearing a female wig and lipstick during his whole interview. I kept thinking hm, he must be dressed as some popular woman character from the show. Then after a while he explains that he is dressed as this really obscure character from one episode, an astronaut whose death the star trek people went to investigate. “But then I did a little character development and I became his wife.”
This dude is seriously troubled and it makes you sad. I mean you can’t laugh at a dude like this. You can tell by his voice and the look on his face that he has the serious emotional troubles. He wouldn’t have to be singing “science fiction folk songs” without smiling. I mean, admittedly the lipstick helps. But the diagnosis would still be possible without it.
And that is sort of the heart of this picture. There is a cute gal named Denise Crosby who is sort of the host, because she was on Star Trek playing a character named Tosha. She interviews some people and she tries to understand and she seems sort of touched that something she was involved in means so much to these freakos. Alot of them you can see are just real nerdy and obsessive but it doesn’t matter because they have alot of friends who are the same way and they are happy with their poodle being dressed as a space man and what not or running a dentist office where everybody has to wear star trek uniforms.
The most touching scene in the movie is when one of the actors from the star trek, I believe it was james doohan, tells a story about getting a fan letter that was basically a suicide letter. He writes back and tells her “I want to see you at this convention”, and then at the convention he saw that she was really, really depressed. So he said, “I want to see you at this other convention…” and basically strung the gal along for years until she started to turn around. You realize that sometimes an individual can be at a low emotional point in their life where something like that can really mean the world. It doesn’t matter if it’s a tv show, or a poem, or a beautiful sunset. If something reminds you why life is worth living then that is a good thing. That story brought tears to my eyes, as well as to Mr. Doohan’s.
Now wait a minute, don’t think I’m saying I’m hot shit because me and the dude from star trek both had tears in our eyes at the same time. I’m not one of those freako retards.
Anyway the real tragic thing about some of these individuals is the wasted potential. There is this 14 year old kid in the movie that is one of the main characters. I hate this fucking kid. I want to strangle this fucking kid. He is about as annoying as anyone could possible be and partly because he is a smart kid but he has NO imagination and doesn’t know how to use his smarts.
This is only a young teenage kid but he knows how to do alot of shit most of us old folks still can’t do. He creates these animated spaceships on his computer. He has a very large vocabulary for a kid his age but he uses it in the most atrocious manner possible in order to make everybody want to kick him in the balls. He writes a 172 page screenplay, organizes this huge club, modifies his action figures to be more accurate, and designs all these costumes. And ALL of it is based on Star Trek.
I mean the kid is fucking OBSESSED with the costumes that the spacemen wear in the tv show. He knows every detail of every incarnation of the fucking uniforms and he has some friend who makes the costumes for him so he can wear them. Then when he puts them on he is kind of embarrassed… not because he’s wearing a fucking star trek uniform, but because it doesn’t live up to his standards of accurate reproduction. so he explains every detail that is not quite right… “this stripe is going to be a little thicker… we’re going to have to make the neckline a little higher. But this will do for now.” Then he designs a new star trek uniform for the movie he is trying to make and he wears it to the convention, “But it should be noted that this is only the prototypical version.”
I mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KID. There are alot of retards in your age group who could never use computers or collect as much knowledge as you have. AND YOU WASTE IT ON THIS BULLSHIT. WHAT IN FUCK’S NAME ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE. GOOD FUCKING CHRIST YOU WANNA END UP LIKE THE DUDE IN THE LIPSTICK?!? YOU WANT TO BE WORKING AT A PRINT SHOP WHERE EVERYBODY CALLS YOU COMMANDER AS IF IT’S YOUR NAME AND THEN TRIES TO EXPLAIN TO EVERY OTHER CUSTOMER THAT YOU’RE “JUST A LITTLE ECCENTRIC, THAT’S ALL IT IS.”
WAKE UP YOU LITTLE BITCH! High school graduation is rapidly approaching! This is your last chance!
And dad, you’re only encouraging the little fucker! When he turns 16, DO NOT GIVE HIM THE SPACESHIP SHAPED CAMPER. You will ruin his fucking life!
If you are a good father, you will first of all make him get a haircut. The bi-level is not acceptable in 2000 unless you are the dude in Perdita Durango, only scary motherfuckers like him can get away with it. Second of all, use all that scientifical knowledge to blow the piece of shit up IN FRONT OF the boy. This is very important. If you have to, you can use that laser that you were talking about attaching to the front of the truck. But it is very important that the camper MUST BE DESTROYED before the boy reaches 16. this tender age is the ONLY CHANCE this kid has of EVER getting some pussy so PLEASE do not let the kid drive a camper shaped like a spaceship. JESUS.
I know what’s going on there dad. You brought him to conventions when he was six and let him wear spock ears to kindergarten and now you’re sitting on the bench next to him not saying anything, trying to hide the “I’ve created a monster” look from your face. I know you are trying to live with your mistake. Well don’t! You’re his father for crying out loud! Be a good father! Straighten the bitch out before he goes permanent!
What you gotta do is tell the kid, you are beginning a new screenplay. And it’s gonna be crap just like the last one and it’s gonna be at least 200 pages long and unreadable but here’s the catch. IT’S NOT GONNA BE BASED ON GOD DAMNED STAR TREK. Also not star wars or babylon five or la femme nikita. This one is all new. You make it up.
And don’t try some of this changing the name but it’s obviously really star trek shit either. This one won’t even be in space! Make something with hobbits or something. Just make it up yourself or you’re out of this house!
GET WRITING GOD DAMN IT, I’M SERIOUS COMMANDER!
If you act now there may be some chance the boy will grow some type of imaginational skills, although obviously less than most. If we’re lucky he may end up being a semi-functioning individual, somewhat on the level of the dude who obsessively rebuilds electronic devices from star trek. ANd I know the dude from the Radio Shack obviously hated him but at least he was halfway socially functioning. This is probaly the best we can hope for your son but please for christ’s sake get some help god damn it what are you waiting for get to work motherfucker!
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.