I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern’s summer preview

Well, tomorrow is the first official, scientific day of summer, and you know what that means – time to go to the beach, and it will be sunny, and you go on a vacation, and all that crap. Well in between all those summer activities, you can go to the movies as well, as far as I’m concerned anyway. I know if you go to a matinee you will come out of the movie and it’s all sunny and your eyes hurt like fuck, but sometimes it is worth it. Let’s face it gang being a movie watcher is a year round job and who the fuck likes sand castles that much anyway.

So in honor of that notion here is the first ever annual Vern’s Summer Movie Preview column, a guide to what movies come out and my asinine predictions about which ones will be good and what not. I know this is a weird idea for a column but you will get the hang of it after a few paragraphs.

JUNE 23

Chicken Impossible

This is a movie about chickens they have been advertising alot. Apparently it is a parody of Mission Impossible and Gladiator. But it also uses the theme song from The Great Escape.

What this is is about chickens who try to escape from a chicken farm where they are going to be butchered. Now personally I don’t expect this to be one of the most gritty and realistic pictures about imprisonment of all time. However it is the only major prison film this year, so I will be keeping a look out. As a poet, I am willing to accept a metaphor such as a chicken in place of my fellow cons.

Me, Myself and Irene

This is a comedy about Jim Carrey beats himself up. He has a split personality.

JUNE 30

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

This is another one of those deals where they combine a cartoon with a non cartoon. Rocky and Bullwinkle come to the earth to fight Robert Deniro.

The preview ads give away that the squirrel can’t fly until the end. But I guess it’s obvious anyway. They make little comments that are referring to fad tv shows look You Want To Be a Millionaire and what not. Hopefully it is funnier in the picture.

I don’t know what to say about this one but yes, the squirrel flies.

JUNE 28th

The Patriot

Now this is what I call garbage. Garbage garbage garbage. Have you ever seen a movie that was nothing but garbage? I have not seen this movie yet but I think it will be garbage.

Now maybe I’m wrong but hell man I can’t help but be suspicious of any movie that takes this Lick My Balls approach to wooing an american audience. (See my review of Armageddon for more information on this bullshit con). First you call the movie “The Patriot.” And you don’t be ironic about it. The movie is about a great american patriot during the American Revolution, and about his son. Both played by australians. They fucking KNEW this american patriot crap was bullshit to the point where they couldn’t even get american actors to appear in the film.

I mean they might as well have you stand up and do the flag salute in the middle of this ad. That narrator was trying so hard to push my buttons I still got bruises. “They killed his wife, his grandmother, his son, they peed on the american flag. They wiped their ass with a picture of Princess Diana. They kidnapped all the orphans and set them on fire. They blew up the space shuttle, they dug up Mother Teresa’s grave, they took pictures of her body in lewd poses. You don’t even want to fucking KNOW what they did with her panties. America is number one, you are number one, we love you all, you are the best, don’t let these fuckers get away with it, JUNE 28TH, WE WILL GET THE BASTARDS BACK, JUST BE THERE AND YOU WILL SEE.”

Well don’t fucking count on it, guys. The Patriot is the winner of Vern’s You Gotta Be Fuckin Kiddin Me award for June. I may look like an ass but you know what they say about that, it makes an ass out of you and me. I’m not as dumb as I look. I’m gonna be washing my hair that day.

The Perfect Storm

In this one, George Clooney and a bunch of other guys are fishermen. It is a lot like Cockfighter, they love to fish and they do it obsessively, even at the expense of ever getting laid or a meaningful relationship outside of male bonding. I don’t know what is wrong with these dudes but at least they are passionate about something.

So they go out in a boat and what happens, some type of big ass storm. And there is alot of waves and screaming and “WE GOT 4.1 MILLION DOLLARS OF FISH ON THAT BOAT!” and all that type of nonsense. I think they will try to save the fish. I bet there will be one guy that sacrifices himself so that they can get the load of fish to the fish market on time. And there will be a shot of George Clooney and there is water dripping down his face but then you realize wait a minute, one of those drops is actually a tear. And he does a little salute to the hero who died for the fish. It will be that kind of movie, in my opinion.

This is pretty much the stupidest idea for a movie I have heard in a long time but I’m gonna go ahead and say, let’s give it a chance. Anybody with the balls to make a movie about how much men love to be packed into a boat that smells like fish, let’s give them the go ahead. They are obviously some kind of mad genius of some kind if they make a stupid ass idea for a movie like fishing and convince people it’ll fly.

JULY 7

Disney’s The Kid

Bruce my man, what have you gotten yourself into this time. This is about how Bruce runs into a fat kid that was actually him when he was little. He remembers all of the school of hard knocks type business that happened to him when he was a kid. But then his life as a rich cold-hearted radio advice show man is empty and sad. So he takes the fat kid on a magical plane ride and the kid goes “HOLY SMOKES!” and I’m sure there is some crying in this one too. Jesus Bruce.

This is not the first movie Bruce has made about him going around with a little kid. Hell, it’s not even the third one if you count North. But it is the first he’s made where the name of the corporation that made the screenplay is part of the title. Might as well call him Disney’s Bruce Willis, I’m starting to worry.

I hope you got something better in the works Bruce.

JULY 14th

X-Man

I saw the ad for this one today and it looks like maybe the nerds are onto something. This is about how much the politicians hate mutants. There are alot of different mutants and it says all their names. Frogman. Wolfman. There is a naked gal with blue reptile skin. Probaly not the best type of surface to rub your dick against but hell I’m not gonna be judgmental.

This looks different from alot of the other comic book type movies. Instead of having one gimmick type bad guy, there are many many characters and two different sides to the issue. Magnetman is the more militant side who doesn’t like the fucking humans. X-Man is more of the pussy whipped uncle tom side I believe, although also has some good points. It looks very dramatic and political but it is about frog men and a guy with one eye that shoots laser beams out of his sunglasses and there is apparently some kind of dance sequence on top of the Statue of Liberty as well.

I will have to give it to the nerds, they were ahead of me on this one but now I’m going to try to see it. Touche.

JULY 21

P2K the Movie Pokeyman 2000 Millennium

This is a cartoon taken from japan to trick the kids.

JULY 28th

Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps

Shame on you. Shame shame shame on all you fuckers that are going to see this one. You fucking know it’s about eddie murphy dressing up as a bunch of fat dudes and he farts and dances around. There is probaly going to be a part where he sits on somebody. There will be a chair that breaks and alot of eating. The dad says, “I ain’t goin on a diet, I like to eat pork chops every day with frostin on ’em,” and the audience goes, “Ha ha ha, if only he knew that is what makes him so fat!” And then Professor Herman Klump goes, “I like to eat the food as well, that is why I am sad” and the audience goes, “ahhh, poor Herman.” And then he falls on his ass and wiggles his legs around like a turtle but he can’t get back up.

What in fuck’s name is wrong with you people, jesus.

Thomas and the Magic Railroad

Now this is the one to look out for, T1. I think T1 will be the freakiest movie to come out this summer. What it is about is a magical talking train and all of his friends. Alex Baldwin plays the magical train conductor. He rides on the train and he is very friendly. He goes flying through the air. There is alot of laughs when the model trains say funny things. It is all sunny and nice and everyone talks in a slow, gentle voice with a british accent. There is magical gold dust that they have to get in order for the magical trains to have fun.

Holy fucking christ I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie ad this freaky before. I think T1 may be the surprise hit of the summer in my opinion.

AUGUST 4th

The Hollow Man

Don’t let the title fool you, this is about an invisible man, not a hollow man. Not sure if it is some kind of typo or what.

Kevin Bacon plays the invisible man, and he is some kind of pervert. I think he goes around feeling gals up or something. Some kind of invisible stalker movie. But no this is not going to be like Zapped. I think it is more of a dark creepy movie about how any one of us if we were invisible, would be liable to turn into some kind of sicko pervert. Human nature they call it.

Well Paul Verhoeven is the director on this one and he is a director we can always count on. Because what he likes to do is make sarcastic space movies or a big budget remake of All About Eve with strippers or a movie about a robotic cop that throws people into a bunch of acid as part of his civic duty. He is always trying to fuck with people and I think it is kind of charming. I don’t know if he’ll ever make a great movie but at least he’s not licking our balls with this american patriot, astronaut type shit. Paul is the opposite of all that so I give him the outlaw seal of approval.

One of my best readers ever worked on the special effects for this movie. He knows who he is. Peace out bud. Well he told me that he has seen footage of the movie and “it looks like something we don’t have to be embarrassed of.” Well in my opinion that should go on the poster. This one is going to be the least embarrassing movie of the summer if everything turns out right.

Space Cowboys

All I know about this one is that it stars Clint Eastwood. If it is really about space cowboys then I will be there. I know the Full Moon series Oblivion, “this time, it’s cowboys and aliens” isn’t supposed to be that good. But hell, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last week it’s that Christopher Lee can be in some pretty raggedy ass Jess Franco type pictures and make them worthwhile. No reason why Clint can’t elevate the Full Moon films to a new level of stomachableness.

Mad About Mambo (limited release)

Alot of men won’t admit that they like Felicity. I don’t speak personally it is just something I have noticed.

This one is about some Irish soccer player gets a mambo dancers to teach him rhythm so he can be more like Pele. There is probaly some type of romance involved as well.

AUGUST 11

Kings of Comedy

When I first read about this one I said YES, but then I realized it wasn’t a sequel to Martin Scorsese’s best film. Still, it is some kind of standup movie, and as you know I am a MAJOR proponent of the standup picture. Even if this one doesn’t have virginity’s chance in C-block of matching a Richard Pryor standup film, it is still an admirable attempt I hope.

Cecil B. Demented (limited release)

John Waters did this one about a b-movie director and/or terrorist who kidnaps a famous star and forces her to be in his movie. I hope this one will show people that real filmmaking is about passion and dedication and not about formulas and box office numbers and what not.

AUGUST 18th

The Cell

In this one Jennifer Lopez wears the armor from Bram Stoker’s Dracula to fight a virtual reality serial killer in a fantasy world of minotaur men. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are even hobbits in this one. Not sure to make of this one until I see it.

Godzilla 2000

If this is anything like Blues Brothers 2000 then I will have to pass.

Well having said many insightful things about this upcoming season I feel my job here is done. I think I have proven my point that there are many movies coming out this summer. Now I am not telling you fucks to stay indoors all day long and just stare at a big screen and avoid all human contact except when you’re yelling at the popcorn kid because you forgot to tell him to not put butter on. All I’m saying is don’t give up on movies just because it is summer. There is still a few pictures you should see although most of them are about farting and american flags.

See you at the movies

–Vern

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Monday, June 19th, 2000 at 12:01 pm and is filed under Bruce, Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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