I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Armageddon

Well this is not a good movie in my opinion. In fact WHAT the fuck is my man Bruce doing in this piece of garbage. I bet when he watched the premiere for this shitpile he started feeling nostalgic for those baby movies.

Now right away I knew something was a-fucking-miss when it opens with a picture of the earth and you got Charlton Heston talking about the dinosaurs. Is there a stupider way to start a movie about astronauts? I mean make up your mind is it dinosaurs or astronauts. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. WHAT THE FUCK in my opinion.

What this movie is about is not dinosaurs but a group of tough, sweaty oil drillers who like to run around and shoot at each other, or go on motorcycle chases or whatever. Okay so far so good. Then the government says look you oil drillers, we’re teaching you how to be astronauts so we can send you up on a space shuttle to land on an asteroid and drill a hole in it because to save the world from asteroids, yunnerstand. The oil drillers say only if we never have to pay taxes again, ha ha ha, see, everyone can relate because you hate to pay taxes. Funny.

Now I think personally the asteroid part is enough to know this movie is nonsense but just in case. We got aerosmith songs with people playing with animal crackers on a gal’s belly. We got a singalong before they take off into space. We got this magic boots that make convenient to help them walk on asteroids instead of float. We got motherfuckers driving around in moon cars going off jumps like the dukes of hazzard, with an iron skull on the stickshift. I mean in my opinion that’s cool but NASA should not be wasting money on this shit.

ArmageddonThis thing is apparently directed by some kind of demented TV commercial director. You got sunsets, the different people of the world looking up at the sky, explosions, all filmed in that god damned corporate beauty look. Every single fucking scene in this god damned movie has the camera flying around, whoosh whoosh whoosh, cut to different camera, different camera, different camera. The directors yelling “Pump it up! Pump it up! We don’t wanna lose em! We only got 30 seconds! I want this spot to be THRILLING!”

The lackeys go, “Uh, boss, this is a picture, this is not a spot, it’s three hours long.”

Director: “Right, right. 3 hours. Let’s go. PUMP IT UP! We don’t got all day! I WANT THOSE FUCKING CAMERAS TO WHOOSH!”

Lackeys: “SIR YES SIR!”

So they never stop whooshing, they never stop cutting, the movie never stops being shit. I got no idea what’s going on in this picture. You got explosion here, close up of a guy’s foot there, apparently a fellow named Grueber died at some point, something happened with a rocket ship crashing or asteroid hits the earth or something, not sure about that one. It makes no sense. At one point they even show a map of where all the people are standing in the russian space station, I still don’t know what’s what.

Yes it’s only three hours long but it seems twice that. You got like ten different characters, all of them saying the same type of stupid shit. Bunch of fucking wise asses, everything that happens they got some wise ass thing to say. And I’m not talking like John McClane, I’m talking like a bunch of college pricks that get a little reference or something planned for every occasion, and they sound like they got it memorized but forgot what it meant exactly.

Now a word about astronauts. Astronauts in movies are a big cheat, a fucking cheap shot in my opinion. Everybody loves the fucking astronauts. Watching an astronaut movie is like eating grandma’s home made apple pie on a cool winter night, wrapped in Betsy Ross’s original american flag straight out of the dryer. You can’t hate this movie it’s about the astronauts, the greatest american heroes, the men who mastered science and gravity, conquered the moon and lived to brag about it. They’re just like firemen only THEY FLY!

So you put astronauts in a movie and everybody likes it cause they don’t know any better. It’s taking advantage in my opinion, and in my opinion taking advantage just ain’t right. I mean think about it. If a cab driver charges extra for retards just because he knows he can get away with it, is that considered acceptable in our society? Answer: No. If a blind man plays three card monty, can you tell him he didn’t get the card even if he did? No, you can’t. If a mortician is alone with the body of a really hot chick, is it okay for him to cop a feel just cause she’s dead? No, it’s not okay, unless she gave him permission before she died.

Well I think filmmakers should be held to the same standards as cab drivers, card hustlers and morticians and that’s why this Armageddon shit is unacceptable. They got not only the astronauts, but they make them sweaty working class astronauts to try to get outlaws like myself to fall for it. Then they have the americans saving the whole god damned world from the killer asteroids, trying to make all us americans feel good about ourselves.

Hell Bruce what were you thinking holy jesus, all this America is #1 bullshit. We just want you to entertain us, you don’t have to tickle our balls. Good thing he went and made that ghost movie afterwards otherwise I’d probaly lose all hope in the dude.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 1st, 2000 at 12:07 pm and is filed under Action, Bruce, Reviews, Romance, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

7 Responses to “Armageddon”

  1. dude, what were you smoking when you wrote this!!

  2. I kinda thought the training bit at the start was one of the best things Michael Bay has ever done (hardly the greatest compliment ever, but I’m fishing for something positive to say here…) It’s intentionally funny, rather than unintentionally so (like Pearl Harbor) or just jaw-dropping in its sheer “I can’t believe anybody would think this script and this movie would ever work”-ness (like Transformers). Michael Clarke Duncan, coming off a fantastic Magic Negro turn in “The Green Mile” (presumably because Morgan Freeman wasn’t available) now plays an over-sensitive oil-driller turned astronaut who can’t get in touch with his “feelings”. You gotta give Bay credit for that, if nothing else. (The minute they actually go into space, the movie turns into a boring two-hour long heroic-sacrifice-a-thon.)

    Also the animal crackers scene is a work of accidental genius.

  3. I really would love to see the raw footage of the psychologist scene. According to Michael Bay he gave each actor one hour with Udo Kier and they could do whatever they wanted. Too bad that the whole scene lasts less than a minute in the movie.

  4. Sadly I have to say I disagree 100% and actually consider this one of the most purely entertaining, reason be damned, deluxe pass-the-popcorn Summer blockbuster extravaganza spectacles ever conceived. I love ARMAGEDDON.

  5. Damn, I want to see the raw footage from the Udo Keir interviews.

  6. lol, nice review – funny as hell!

  7. Well, I can hardly wait for the 1998 Summer Movie Flashback of this one…

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