“I’m Paul Barlow, and this is my daughter Jo.”

“Malone.”

“You got a first name?”

“Yeah.”

Cool Girl

Hey guys, it’s me Vern. Author of Vern Tell’s It LIke It Is weekly column. Well I am changing the sight around a little bit, adding some new categories and what not so that’s why some things might be screwy here and there.

For a minute there I took off the reel.com banners cause I’ve been having trouble with them and these “Pages That Pay” fuckers. As you may know I signed up for this sponsorship program so you could help a motherfucker out and many of you have been kind enough to do just that. Help a motherfucker out. (me.)

Unfortunately not a cent of orders has shown up on my “pages that pay report”, even though I’ve been reminding them and even sending them the order numbers and what not. They always say they will straighten it out and then they don’t. Well now they say it’s just not showing up on my report and it’s coming through though anyway. I will keep the banners up until next week and if they don’t fix the problem those motherfuckers will be sorry they were ever born in a world where the internet connects between them and Vern.

Anyway this week I got a letter from a nice gal named Macy and she pointed me toward a sight that I can hardly believe. This is a movie type sight by a gal by the name of Cool Girl who like me is a big Bruce Campbell fan. Like me, Cool Girl reviewed Jack of All Trades and Cleopatra 2525 last week. Like me, she liked Jack of All Trades but thought Cleopatra was pretty boring. The one major difference between our reviews, in my opinion, is that hers starts out “I recently completed a photo shoot for Playboy,” she has naked pictures of herself between paragraphs, and she seems to have a firm pair of knockers that are about as huge as they can get without looking like an abomination of the lord god in heaven.

Now personally I am not into the whole tied-up, needles-sticking-out-of-ass garbage which is also included in her review/photo essay. But what can you do man. I did not know about this Cinema/nudey pictures connection and if there are any of the “movie geeks” as the ain’t it cool newsies call themselves who don’t know about Cool Girl either, i think they will be pleasantly surprised. What I mean by that is that they will get a boner.

But look bud, I am a man of the 2000s, I am a Positive individual, I know that naked hotties is only one of the top two or three things in life and is not the be all to end all. I know there are many of my readers who may not be into that kind of thing unless they are some kind of straight guy or lesbian. Well trust me you might want to check this one out anyway if you have a chance. After two or three visits I decided to read some of the articles and that is when I discovered that this girl is pretty funny.

You see she does celebrity interviews over the phone or e-mail and I don’t know she must have a sexy voice or tell them about her knockers because she gets some good shit. Most of the interviews are short but she doesn’t waste any time being blunt. She asks the questions that the entertainment tonight and access hollywood fuckers wouldn’t have the BALLS to ask if they watched movies or had human hearts.

She doesn’t play the game, she asks the weird and obscene questions that they aren’t used to getting, and many of them react with disbelief. I guess this shock-the-celebrity deal could get old fast, but it’s not very often you get to see how celebrities react when asked about ten inch cocks or what not. Most of them are polite or even have a sense of humor about it. Like she asks Steven Seagal “Are you and Jean Claude having some private contest to see who can make the most shitty action films?” and he defends himself without seeming to get mad. It’s sort of cool because alot of interviewers look down on the dudes movies but you know they’d be kissing ass left and right when they’re talking to him. Anyway he can take it, I guess that is because he is a Positive action star with that whole buddhist deal.

Hugh Grant has a sense of humor too, even when she says, “I am just a girl with a webpage talking in front of a boy who got head from a black prostitute.” And Garth Brooks takes it very well when she says, “Basically, you’re a fat cowboy whose songs all sound the same. What are you getting me for my birthday?”

A couple of them hang up, which you can’t really blame them for, and the only one who really throws a tissy fit is this Marilyn Manson: “I don’t care if you take me seriously. Your opinions are as unimportant to me as what the backstreet kids next single will be.” Pretending he doesn’t know that the name of the band is new kids on the block. Whatever bud. Marilyn is pretty uptight for a shock value dude, or maybe was having a bad day I’m not sure.

That dude (and I think it is a dude, although he has nice tits in my opinion) is a fuckin liar though. About Jerry Springer he says, “His show makes me sick. I don’t watch it.” But you know what, the screws used to watch some of those shows when I was in the can, and that is where I first heard of the marilyn manson. The band was on either springer or jenny jones or one of those… I remember one of the dudes had a manson family lunch box. If anyone can confirm this please let me know. I was only about 35-42% sober at that time.

Anyway Cool Girl also interviews Bruce Campbell, who she loves, and her hero is some artist from the funny pages Scott Adams. So I think she is gonna be real wet dream material for some of you young dudes out there with the star wars and the anime posters.

Speaking of the more geeky individuals JESUS would you stop Writing me asking what I think about x-man. X-man this X-man that everybody X-man wolverine powers activate. I am tired of this garbage and I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I don’t know an X-man from an X-ray so leave me alone. I could tell you what a pokeyman is, I could tell you what a mononoke is, but the x-man is not my territory so PLEASE get ahold of yourselves. I’m sure whoever is playing him will do just fine so keep your panties on.

Anyway that’s about it for this week. I’m gonna try to see that titus flick next weekend, and maybe something else. Meanwhile I will be going into the vaults for more of the classics. Well actually I am broke as a joke so I am watching a lot of pictures on cable. Anyway be sure to check out my new section Outlaw Music and let me know what you think if you have the balls. Also please note I am trying to become more established as part of a new year’s resolution which is something i NEVER fucking break… last time I DID, I ended up with a BID. So if you have a sight of your own please consider taking this banner I have on the new links page and putting it on yours, but what you do is you put a link on it, so when you click on the banner it will go to my page, you know what I mean? i know it is complicated but e-mail me if you need more detail thanks. it is like a button that you click on, to come here, linked to the page. you know. thanks bud

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 31st, 2000 at 7:12 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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