Well looks like I won’t need to watch the Oscars after all, one of my buds just got in a truckload of Oscar statues and we’re gonna pass them out to deserving motherfuckers on the street. If you feel you have been neglected in the past, this includes Al Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Sam Peckinpah etc., please show up on 5th and Stewart Sunday evening.

No just kidding bud, I wish. But the truth is I am getting a little nervous, I am feeling the butterflies in the stomach because like I said I can’t remember the last time I watched the Oscars. It’s been a while and I hope this is a good one.

So this week’s column, well I gotta be honest you might as well skip it because all I’m gonna do is talk about the Oscars and who should win and what not. I mean seriously sorry about this folks this is all I have. I like to think of myself as a creative individual but even the creativest motherfucker around has an off day every once in a while, or pretty often in my case, most often on the day I write my weekly column. But the rest of the week, I mean, you should see it. (read the rest of this shit…)

First of all, is that fucked up or what over there in New York, letting off the four bastard cops that shot an unarmed innocent man 41 times. I mean good jesus what is wrong with this country that shit like this keeps happening. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but even if you really thought the guy was gonna shoot you (and I mean gimme a fuckin break, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that action) you STILL don’t shoot him 41 times unless you think he’s a vampire. And EVEN if you buy that they thought he was gonna shoot him AND he was a vampire, this is still not the kind of mistake you let slide. If you’re the kind of guy that freaks out and unloads 16 bullets every time you see a “suspicious” black guy, that is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be given a job where you are allowed to carry a gun! I mean even in the bank robbery industry, which isn’t subject to any official rule book or internal review, they don’t let that shit slide!

Let’s look at another industry, let’s say you are a trucker, and you accidentally ran over a guy on a crosswalk. You can’t say, “Well, I thought he was on the sidewalk, but turned out he was on the street.” I mean you can say it, but that won’t be good enough. This is basically what they are saying. “Well, we jumped out of our unmarked car and randomly executed a man in front of his own house, we were nervous though what can you do. Sorry about that bud but we feel guilty as it is.” (read the rest of this shit…)

If you’ve been reading my column since the beginning of the millennium you know about my new year’s resolution to become more established and respected here on the world wide web. I feel that this is a medium with a whole assload of potentialities and I really think it is starting to catch on, that is why I think that the future of film Writing is on the computers.

You see I am a film Writer but it’s like Mark Twain said, what is the sound of nobody reading your shit. Nothing, it makes no sound. That is why I thought it would be a good idea to reach out, network, become part of an organization of other motherfuckers in my same field. And what better society is there for an online critic to join up with than the Online Film Critic’s Society, where Writers ranging from James Berardinelli to Susan Granger come together to promote the cause of film Writing on the web? (read the rest of this shit…)

Well if there is one thing I am it is I am an honest man and that is why it’s called Vern Tell’s It Like It Is. So to be frankly honest bud what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna recommend you don’t even bother reading the column this week. Because all it’s gonna be is a sad old ex-con on valentine’s day. So unless you’re into that kind of thing and I guess you never know maybe that’s your kick or whatever, fine, but the rest of you better move on there’s nothin to see here.

But like I said I’m tellin it like it is so if Vern is sad then the column is sad and there’s no two ways about it. And if you’d rather I just grin and bear then I got one word for you, fuck you motherfucker. This is about the Truth, pal.

And the truth is it’s valentines day and ol’ Vern is not so much a bad motherfucker as a sad motherfucker. You always hear about how much people hate valentine’s day because they’re single and it makes them sad to be alone when everybody else is eating chocolate or all greased up rolling around in a bathtub or whatever. Well for quite a few years now I always figured no problem, I don’t care if I’m single, I have a pretty good excuse due to being imprisoned and what not. And plus it’s not like I didn’t get my chance, I mean there were alot of young gals on the outside dying to get married but I’m just not that type of guy, the marry a gal but you’re in prison type of guy. (read the rest of this shit…)