Well if there is one thing I am it is I am an honest man and that is why it’s called Vern Tell’s It Like It Is. So to be frankly honest bud what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna recommend you don’t even bother reading the column this week. Because all it’s gonna be is a sad old ex-con on valentine’s day. So unless you’re into that kind of thing and I guess you never know maybe that’s your kick or whatever, fine, but the rest of you better move on there’s nothin to see here.

But like I said I’m tellin it like it is so if Vern is sad then the column is sad and there’s no two ways about it. And if you’d rather I just grin and bear then I got one word for you, fuck you motherfucker. This is about the Truth, pal.

And the truth is it’s valentines day and ol’ Vern is not so much a bad motherfucker as a sad motherfucker. You always hear about how much people hate valentine’s day because they’re single and it makes them sad to be alone when everybody else is eating chocolate or all greased up rolling around in a bathtub or whatever. Well for quite a few years now I always figured no problem, I don’t care if I’m single, I have a pretty good excuse due to being imprisoned and what not. And plus it’s not like I didn’t get my chance, I mean there were alot of young gals on the outside dying to get married but I’m just not that type of guy, the marry a gal but you’re in prison type of guy. (read the rest of this shit…)

Well that gal Cool Girl who I wrote about last week, turns out she likes my sight too and she asked me to do some guest reviews for her sight. So I hope you won’t mind if I direct you over there for a few of my reviews in the near future. I think those of you who are Writers will understand where I’m coming from, it’s not very often in a man’s career as a Writer that a man gets a chance to write for a Playboy Playmate who does obscene celebrity interviews. So I mean you gotta take your chance when you get it, you can’t necessarily wati for the nxt one to come alnogn.

Well as a Positive individual I’m still trying to improve myself both as a Writer and as an American individual in a free society (i.e. I’m not in the can). So in addition to brushing up on the classics of Cinemafilm through the American Movie Classics channel, I am also trying to live some new experiences that maybe I could draw from in my Writing. Unfortunately I have already lived a very exciting life full of mayhem and intrigue, so some of this stuff I am catching up on might be old hat to some of you civilians. Like this week for example, I mean I gotta be honest here, I went ice skating. (read the rest of this shit…)

Hey guys, it’s me Vern. Author of Vern Tell’s It LIke It Is weekly column. Well I am changing the sight around a little bit, adding some new categories and what not so that’s why some things might be screwy here and there.

For a minute there I took off the reel.com banners cause I’ve been having trouble with them and these “Pages That Pay” fuckers. As you may know I signed up for this sponsorship program so you could help a motherfucker out and many of you have been kind enough to do just that. Help a motherfucker out. (me.)

Unfortunately not a cent of orders has shown up on my “pages that pay report”, even though I’ve been reminding them and even sending them the order numbers and what not. They always say they will straighten it out and then they don’t. Well now they say it’s just not showing up on my report and it’s coming through though anyway. I will keep the banners up until next week and if they don’t fix the problem those motherfuckers will be sorry they were ever born in a world where the internet connects between them and Vern. (read the rest of this shit…)

Last week as you know I presented to you the first annual Vern’s motherfuckin Outlaw Awards. I really wanted to make a real event of this, to bring more attention to 1999 Outlaw Award Winner for best picture since I got out of prison Fight Club. so I had that cokehead Walter Leno whip up a press release about it, real professional and all. I sent it out to a couple people, one of them being the ain’t it cool news since they had been Positive enough to print my Curtis Mayfield piece the week before.

Well to my surprise this Father Geek charcater must respect my work, either that or he’s making fun of me because he posted the press release as is. (Well, at the end he Wrote “catch you later” which neither me or walter actually Wrote, that was pure fabrication.)

Now I think some of you motherfuckers might be kind of concerned about ol’ Vern. Here he is on a popular mainstream type sight, he’s got some pretty boy cokehead Writing everything for him all slicklike. That motherfucker has SOLD THE FUCK OUT!

So for you worrying motherfuckers, I have a little story. Most of you have probaly heard by now I was in prison for a while up until last August, well that is where this tale takes place. You see, in the joint we had special entertainment evenings about every month or so. What they do is they hire some poor sap standup comedian to perform for a “captive audience” if you know what I mean. (Meaning we were in prison.)

I don’t know where they get these guys. I don’t even have a clue what kind of scene or school of comedy they might come out of, or if they are good or bad. for all I know these guys could have been the next Richard Pryor but the thing is, you can’t hear hardly a word they say! The moment they step out on the stage and start crackin wise, the audience eats them alive. FUCK YOU COCKSUCKER I’M GONNA STICK IT SO FAR UP YOUR CORNHOLE etc. etc. (read the rest of this shit…)