Okay, first of all, there’s no foolin here. You and I both know there was no way in hell I was gonna like David Zucker’s right wing satire about how liberals hate America and Michael Moore stuffs his face with food all the time. So this is not a review, this is more like a report for other people who, like me, were curious as hell what this movie was like, but unlike me could not stomach sitting down and watching the whole thing.
Chris Farley’s brother plays Michael Moore (they call him Michael Malone), the famous documentarian (his movie is called DIE YOU AMERICAN PIGS), who is hired by 3 Arab terrorists (Robert Davi, two others) to direct a movie, but also to help them get into a Trace Adkins concert so they can blow themselves up, or something like that. But also Michael Moore is planning an anti-4th of July protest, so the ghost of Patton brings him around Dickens-style to show him how the world would be different if America didn’t believe in war, for example Gary Coleman would be his slave and Detroit would be nuked. Obviously. (read the rest of this shit…)
7% on Rotten Tomatoes… that’s bad, right? I was kind of interested in this idea of Vin Diesel returning in a big sci-fi movie directed by the guy who did LA HAINE (you know, Kassovitz. Amelie’s boyfriend, later in MUNICH). But then there were all these stories about the studio cutting it to shreds, and then the reviews were CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST brutal, and even Kassovitz called it “pure violence and stupidity” before it was even released, pretty much signaling that he was so disappointed in the movie that he was willing to throw away any future chance at directing in Hollywood. I mean those are some pretty bad omens there in my opinion so I couldn’t work up the courage to pay money to see it in a theater. I remember even talking a buddy out of going to see it by describing how bad the buzz was. It was so bad it wasn’t even buzz, it was more of a whistle.
Yes, as you’ve heard by now, THE SPIRIT is a terrible movie. But don’t fall into the trap I did. Just because almost everyone agrees that it’s terrible doesn’t mean it’s funny or interesting to watch. I thought it looked bad from the trailers and really had no interest until I started seeing some of these reviews comparing it to various landmarks in bad movie history. The more vicious the reviews got the more I started to think shit, I kind of want to see that. People acted like it was some bizarre Ed Wood type shit that they couldn’t believe they were seeing.
SHAFT was never one of my favorite blaxploitation pictures. Despite the reputation and legendary theme song I always thought it was kind of boring. But revisiting it in 2008 I feel like I finally get it – I really enjoyed it this time. The lyrics to the theme song are so over the top and have been goofed on so much that maybe you expect something bigger than what the movie actually is: one part detective story, one part straight up BADASS. The music by Isaac Hayes, the shots set up by director Gordon Parks, everything is designed to pay tribute to Richard Roundtree and his character of John Shaft and document what a Bad Motherfucker he is as he navigates the underbelly of 1971 New York. And it’s really not what we think of as a blaxploitation story, it’s a P.I. story. A detective hired by a gangster to rescue his daughter from the mob.
Holy shit, I think I knew this before, but Clint Eastwood is the greatest movie star of all time. How is it possible that a guy who 40 years ago starred in some of the best westerns ever, and 30 years ago starred in some of the best cop movies ever, and 15 years ago directed and starred in the (deserving) winner of the best picture Oscar (another one of the best westerns ever), and in this decade is still going strong as a unique and sometimes great director of serious movies, and yet ALSO chose to direct and star in this humble little slice of moving dramedy with a side of good old fashioned ass kicking? Answer: it is not possible. But Clint doesn’t believe in impossible so he did those things anyway. Also he was mayor once. And plays piano. And sang the theme song for this one.
In the ’80s Sylvester Stallone took action movies through a whole cycle of American self esteem issues. In FIRST BLOOD he dealt with Vietnam vets coming home and feeling abandoned. In FIRST BLOOD PART 2 he actually flew back to Vietnam, discovered the war was not quite wrapped up yet, and took home the gold with an amazing hail mary pass to save the POWs. In ROCKY IV he moved on to the Cold War and sewed that one up through a sporting event. Only in 1991 did notorious shitmakers Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin dig up Stallone’s ROCKY IV enemy Dolph Lundgren, pit him against Jean-Claude Van Damme, and cut into those Vietnam wounds again. You know, for a super soldier movie. Don’t worry, it’s not exploitative. They’re artists.
The concept of THE GINGERDEAD MAN is basically “Chucky, but a gingerbread man instead of a doll.” It takes part 2 about three minutes worth of recapping and rhyming narration to explain that in the sequel. But to be fair the goal is not so much to catch the audience up to speed as to pad it out to be longer than an hour so it seems like a real movie almost.
SPECIAL FORCES is part of the AMERICAN HEROES series which, as I’m sure you are all very aware, are unrelated Nu-Image action movies each spotlighting the heroism of one branch in the American military. So I hope I’m not unpatriotic for watching it for its Israeli director Isaac Florentine and British co-star Scott Adkins. I’ve written about these guys before – Florentine is the director of such movies as UNDISPUTED II and THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL, while Adkins is the co-star of movies ranging from UNDISPUTED II to THE SHEPHERD: BORDER PATROL. Okay, so they aren’t making classics yet, but they’re some of the only reliable individuals I’ve found in the world of DTV action. They always seem like they’re trying.
