I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Bellflower

tn_bellflowerOh, is this what “hipsters” are that everybody’s always worried about? I can never really tell. I definitely don’t think these are “geeks,” unless it’s the honorary kind that have to have somebody on the internet vouch for them, like “no, Vin Diesel really is a geek, he showed me he had Dungeons and Dragons dice in his glove compartment.” No, I get the idea these guys are hip, and therefore hipsters. But they might just be civilians. I’m not very good at this.

BELLFLOWER is the story of two twenty something dudes in California, Woodrow (Evan Glodell, also writer and director) and Aiden (Tyler Dawson), who love the MAD MAX movies, or at least part 2. Well, what else is new, right? I’m sure they also like pizza. Not exactly a unique trait. But these guys take their love further than the average citizens, they have figured out the name and logo of the gang they would have after the apocalypse and have been dedicating their time to building a blowtorch and dreaming of their ideal fire-spewing post-apocalyptic muscle car. It might be cooler if this was a hobby they pursued stone faced, instead it’s more of a smiling, awfully-proud-of-themselves type of not-exactly-ironic type approach. It can seem smarmy at times, but at least it feels like some real guys you might know, and not some winky comedy type of deal.

But there are no gangs of roving bandits or anything for these boys to deal with, so instead they just go to bars and try to meet girls. You should know that that’s what this is about, it’s an indie relationship drama. Woodrow meets Milly (Jessie Wiseman) when he competes against her in a cricket eating contest at a bar (you know how it is) and they end up on a date which turns into a spontaneous road trip to Texas to get meat loaf. Woodrow’s car Speedbiscuit has a tap in the dashboard that dispenses whisky – simultaneously his best and worst invention.

mp_bellflowerThey drink constantly, say cute things, cuddle, he tries to be macho but gets punched in the face so hard it makes him puke, they laugh about it. When they come back to L.A. there are parties, conflicts, fights. He starts to turn into kind of an asshole. Every once in a while he goes out  with his overly forgiving best friend Aiden to test the blowtorch or shoot guns. When his life takes a dark turn Aiden tries to cheer him up by buying him a car and beginning to build it into there dream car, Medusa.

Like many men of this age group Woodrow and/or Glodell seem to think that growing a shaggy beard equals substance and an aura of mystery. So he grows a beard as the story goes on and he becomes more troubled. I think it’s supposed to make him look more badass when he turns angry and violent, but I don’t know about that. I’m just glad he’s not wearing one of those lady scarfs that men wear now, those look even worse with the beards. I heard an interview with Glodell and he seems like a real easygoing goofball, I suspect the broody hairy side in this movie is more of an act than the other part. He doesn’t seem to take himself as seriously as the character starts to.

The digital cinematography looks real nice. Apparently they jerry–rigged their own deal that used vintage camera parts along with the modern digital. The acting feels very natural (less so in a few of the later scenes where they flip out on each other – it probly just means the actors aren’t used to throwing hissy fits). The actors look like L.A. people, not Hollywood people. They seem real, and I like how my initial judgments of them didn’t really hold up. At first Aiden seemed like what they call ” a douche,” but he’s so loyal to Woodrow and so upbeat that you gotta like him. Also he gives Woodrow a (morally questionable) pep talk entirely based around the philosophy of Lord Humungus. His insistence on building the car is supposedly gonna prepare them for the apocalypse, but what it really does is prepare Woodrow for his own personal apocalypse. When things go south in his life and relationships he can always hop in Medusa and leave town.

These people are always drinking. Things don’t always stay happy and nice, but there’s never a “you drink too much” scene. It might just be that the filmatists don’t realize they drink too much, but I’ll take it as them being subtle and not rubbing your nose in it. You get it.

So I enjoyed this one. Any misgivings I had weren’t necessarily flaws in the movie, just more of a generation or cultural gap between me and the characters. I mean, how much time do I really want to spend with these dudes? And am I imagining it or do none of these characters ever once have to go to work or mention how they get their money to pay rent? They do that in alot of movies I guess but it sticks out more in something that looks and feels as naturalistic as this. It seems to have more of an obligation to be true to life.

“Bellflower” is the name of the street they live on. You see the street sign in one shot, and if I was supposed to understand why that is relevant in any way I sure didn’t take the hint. I honestly think they could’ve come up with a much better title, such as MEDUSA MY LOVE, DRIVE ME CRAZY, BEARDED JUSTICE, FIRECAR, RELATIONSHIP MASSACRE ON BELLFLOWER AVE., KILLCAR, KILLMOBILE, KILLDRIVER, DRIVEKILLER, THE BREAKUP 2: CARS or CARS 2: THE BREAKUP.

As far as independent relationship drama type shit this is a pretty good one, but I definitely hope Mr. Glodell chooses to use his unique talents for the betterment of mankind in the future, by which I mean making movies more about cars and fire than about heartache. I mean, he can do what he wants, but he’s a tinkerer, really building all these unique cars and weapons and cameras himself and to me that’s a hell of alot more interesting than what happens between him and his girlfriend. There are millions of people that can grow a beard and stare out a window, but not as many that could build Medusa and drive her around without blowing themselves up.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 21st, 2011 at 2:36 am and is filed under Drama, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

44 Responses to “Bellflower”

  1. Without having seen the the movie, Vern, I think I can say that these guys aren’t hipsters. At least not in the way most people view hipsters. A hipster, and let me make it perfectly clear that I’m mostly guessing now since I don’t know any real hipsters (or actually believe that they excist outside of their own mind), would have chosen a more obscure movie, maybe something French and in black and white like Alphaville, and written an essay about it instead of dirtied their hands on building a car. I think. But the movie sounds kind of cool.

  2. No. These guys are definitely hipsters, possibly of the trustifarian subspecies, as per their lack of jobs. I say this with authority because I have an ironic mustache and almost everything I own came from a thrift store. I don’t qualify as a hipster anymore, but I edged toward it at one point.

    The choice of The Road Warrior franchise for adulation is very hipster because it’s so mainstream and well known that it becomes fringe again. Kinda like how a hipster could get away with wearing a t-shirt from Target, so long as you knew that he was *self-aware* about the fact that it came from Target. Like going into Target, buying the T-shirt and then putting it on was some form of elaborate performance art.

    Btw, Bellflower is in South Central, iirc. It’s a not very nice part of town. I think the filmmakers actually live there. Perhaps they think it’s gonna be the next Los Feliz or Echo Park and get all gentrified and shit.

    I went to the premiere of this movie. They had Tacate and buffalo wings afterward and showed off the Medusa. It really does shoot fire.

    The first half is good, but then the beard shit starts happening. There is a long fantasy sequence in the film…in the original cut, that wasn’t a fantasy sequence. That was the ending. I don’t think we’ll be hearing more from these guys if those are their story instincts. Ambitious guys though, made half a good movie. More than I can say for myself.

  3. As an atheist I don’t believe in Hipsterism.

  4. Too subtle… movie made me feel like making a whiskey tap for my car wouldn’t be that hard.

  5. this doesn’t sound like my cup of tea at all, as a matter of fact I kinda hate movies like this, I prefer my indie flicks more Reservoir Dogs than drama

  6. Tawdry, I’ve tried to explain this to Norwegian hipsters. For a moustache to be ironic it has to be a) bigger than Sam Elliotts or b) thinner than John Waters’. A regular sized moustache is just a moustache. In what way are yours ironic?

  7. Hipster might be the most ill defined subculture of the past sixty years. When most people try to define hipster, they usually describe someone who is really into obscure art. But then I read an interview with some writer who lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn as it became hipsterfied, and he claimed that hipsters came about when the subculture stopped being interested in French philosophers and obscure art and started to become interested in popular culture. So these are two definitions that don’t really mesh.

    These days, I think hipster backlash is quickly becoming as obnoxious as hipsters themselves. I recently read an interview with the guy who started lookatthisfuckinghipster.com, a website I used to enjoy from time to time. I thought the website was about gently poking fun at people who did silly things in order to look cool to all their friends. But then I read this interview, and the guy who runs the website really hates hipsters. I mean, really hates them. It was as if a bunch of hipsters had raped his grandma.

    Anyway, over the summer, I saw the relationship drama Beginners, which was a little hipsterish. It had a couple who were a little too cute, if you know how I mean. But the film never crossed the line into straight up whimsy. It stayed grounded in part thanks to Christopher Plummer who plays the main character’s father who has recently come out of the closet. It was a surprisingly good film. Arguably, it was more gen X than hipster, whatever that means.

  8. The ill-defined nature of the word hipster is what makes it so useful. It allows you to define the word in such a way that it does not include you. Unsurprisingly, this is how everyone defines it.

    I wasn’t a huge fan of BELLFLOWER. In my opinion it is never a good idea to remind an audience of a much better movie they could be watching instead of yours. When OUT FOR A KILL used the CHINATOWN quote I thought to myself, “Yes, you are correct, guy who wrote OUT FOR A KILL, I really should be watching that right now.” Still, like Vern, I wouldn’t mind seeing Evan Glodell’s name attached to a DRIVE ANGRIER or something.

  9. Medusa was the star of the parking lot stunt show at ActionFest a few months ago. I feel bad about the amount of gasoline she burned in order to entertain us with her flames.

    Aaron Norris looked genuinely unsure if having the fire-shooting demonstration was a good idea, like no one had told him this was going to happen at his film festival. His fear fed my fear, I won’t lie, and as Chuck Norris’s brother backed away from the car, so too did I increase my distance.

    I skipped the BELLFLOWER showtimes, and I guess I’m glad I did, as Vern’s review (first one I’ve allowed myself to read, since I didn’t want to spoil anything, and I had thought BELLFLOWER would involve some apocalypse action, not faux-hipster hipster relationshipping) makes it sound appropriate for the small screen.

    Other missed titleistical opportunities for BELLFLOWER:

    BOOM GOES THE TRUNK
    THE WHISKEY ENGINE THAT COULD
    MAD MAX 4: THE BATTLE FOR SOUTH CENTRAL

    THE FAST AND THE FLAMMABLE

  10. I live a block from the center of the hipster universe, the Brooklyn Flea, where 90% of the retro shades, vintage tees, and ironic fedoras worn by the NYC hipster (still the gold standard by which all other hipsters much be judged) are sold at a hefty mark-up. They travel in packs, their hair matted and askew, their eyes hooded and indistinct, their jeans so tight they might well be poured on their legs like blue candle wax. But I don’t hate them. They’re harmless. They’re just the latest edition of “the kids these days, I don’t get ’em.” I don’t see how skinny jeans are any worse than the baggy, dragging-on-the-ground kind the kids were wearing ten years ago. Let’s face it: Young people will always wear different jeans than you and me. It’s how they show that their generation won’t commit the same sins ours did.

    Now, the 40-year-old cool dads and hot moms who have descended on my neighborhood like a pack of perpetually smiling, wheatgrass-guzzling locusts, those I can’t abide. With their $300 strollers and Jack Russell terriers, they bring with them Asian fusion restaurants and yoga studios, and they cause the rent and the price of food and sundries to go up until hard-working poor folks such as myself can barely afford to live here anymore.

    In my opinion, once you have a kid, you have an obligation to live somewhere with a yard. You must give up your coffee bars and your farmers markets so your kid can have a childhood. Then he can move to the city when he’s in his early twenties, and he’ll stay there, wearing his own generation’s style of jeans, until he knocks up some broad in a scarf and moves away. Meanwhile, lifelong city rats such as myself can watch the cycle begin anew, confident that no one will be trying to clean up our precious filth anytime soon.

  11. But how does anyone get to become a lifelong city rat like you if their parents have to move to the suburbs when they are born?

  12. Perhaps “devoted” would be a better term. I have no intention of having kids so I’ll be living here in my city for the duration.

  13. As an occasional tourist of The City, I find the “precious filth” much more attractive than the yoga studios and smiling rich people. And I agree with the “The rent is too damned high!” sentiment, etc.

    Stoned hipster chicks are a great source of stimulation & entertainment, especially when you can bond with them over surviving a monstrous hurricane.

    But I also like to hang with the rich people, the overachievers, even some of the dastardly 1%er wannabe types. But I hate small children and families with small children. I’m more a Manhattan elitist than a Brooklynite.

    City rat New Yorkers might appreciate the Asian fusion restaurants more if they weren’t necessarily poor, or, better, if the restaurants weren’t so expensive. And again, Mr. Majestyk, no, I’m not gonna order Budweiser when there is a fancy beer I’ve never heard of on the menu. I want the fancy beer. I’m on vacation, not a budget.

  14. I never ordered a single Budweiser in your presence. It’s PBR 4 life. That’s one thing the hipsters definitely got right.

    Those two $20 beers you ordered at the sushi place were pretty good, though.

  15. I don’t like pizza. Or more precisely, I don’t like melted cheese, which seems to be considered vital in a pizza, even though it’s something americans added, not italians.

  16. L.A. BROS: RISE OF MEDUSA
    FIRE IN THE SKY: A BELLFLOWER LOVE STORY
    TO LIVE & BURN IN L.A.
    FLAMETHROWER ON WHEELS

  17. This movie is well made. And it’s about something; with a sense of intensity and devotion, for sure in a way that American indies rarely even try for.

    But it’s a flaming piece of misogynistic hipster emo horseshit. It’s the world’s longest Dashboard Confessional music video, with a side dish of rape justification.

    It IS the ultimate white hipster movie (I can’t imagine it resonating with many people who aren’t white, unless it starts a new sort of modern Blaxpolitation, Hipstersploitation ironically appreciated by black people – of which Tiny Furniture could be lumped in, too) – it venerates long dead traditions of white working class traditions – shopping in thrift stores, working on cars, drinking too much… The main characters have no source of income but this is no problem. Compare that worldview with Schroeder’s amazing and long forgotten ‘Barfly’ in which alcoholism and poverty are intertwined and explicated while being celebrated without sentimentality. Bukowski being one of the God Kings of hipsters and then digested and subsumed into the horseshit that is the careers of Terry Richardson or James Frey, we’ve now progressed to dudes who feel no economic pressure in their lives at all. Bukwoski was making a sacrifice, a choice and there was consequence for it.

    This on the other hand is the very definition of hipsterdom – trying way too hard pretending to be something when there’s no consequence. Whether it’s looking like an artisanal lumberjack or rebelling. The hipster is to modern consumerism what the person who found Jesus at the megachurch is.

    Hilariously, the greatest single defining hipster moment in the entire movie – minor spoiler here – the moment of nightmarishness that tips the thing toward apocalypse, is a really bad tattoo. I was laughing my ass off at that. While the character suffered and raged, I was in hysterics. At least the next scene he wasn’t screaming while riding a bicycle with gears.

    And finally, just as white hipsterdom seeks to fetishize long lost traditions of working class white people, Bellflower has a secret, reactionary vengeance it needs to mete out against modern progressive politics. Namely, it wants vengeance against women. It wants to enable and justify brutality toward them, and define them and their actions one dimensional and completely without motivation. Some even harm themselves in one of the most ridiculously stupid shots of the year. And then, worst of all, it PUSSES OUT because – hey, maybe it was all a dream? Are you fucking kidding me? Gaspar Noe would never go “you know what, that rape scene was just a dream”.

    Of the women I know who saw this, not a one liked it. As one said “I had some issues with the message of the movie being it’s ok to hate fuck your ex until she’s bloody.”

    But – and here’s the giant plot twist – Bellflower changes from the hipster movie at a certain point to the EMO movie, which is much worse. You start to worry Glodell is going to start cutting and writiing a livejournal about a bad breakup. And then you realize he has, and it’s turned into a movie.

    Now here’s the thing – the trailers hint at a really fucking awesome movie that this could have been, and the movie hints at – which would be an exploration of how a character becomes Lord Hummungus, when he starts out as something else entirely. That would’ve been an amazing fucking movie. How does one go from Glodell to being another bandit in the post apocalyptic wasteland.

    But instead, it’s just a bunch of hipster emo horseshit with some misogyny thrown in. Enjoy. Here’s the original trailer, which shows off that this movie is not about flamethrowers and cool cars at all.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=w2c60qkqJC4

    (And I read interviews with Glodell in which he said this is the stuff men think about but don’t talk about much… Nah, I think it’s what pussy ass hipster emo dudes think about. Men are watching Breaking Bad)

  18. Oh god there’s WHITE hipsterism now?
    I give up, i don’t get these terms/labels. Maybe it’s because…

    “I’m too old for this shit”
    -Danny Glover

  19. I think the word should be changed to JEANSTERS now, after Majestyk’s observation.

    Cuz i can understand pants, goddamnit. That shit makes sense. My parents wore bell bottoms, and so it goes.

  20. Thanks, Armond Black. Great post (and screen name).

  21. Based only on the clothing, I think the Original Hipster was Melvin Frohike.

    “Sure, baby, my kung-fu is the best.”

  22. Bored by all the hipster talk. Seems catty.

    I agree that the characters are unlikable and misdirected, but I feel like this movie had flawed characters and that their flaws were mirrored by the narrative. I like movies like that, ones that don’t sanitize or correct the offenses of the protagonists. Yes, their perspectives are flawed and injurious, but when, twenty years from now, we want to remember what was wrong with now, the evidence won’t be in 500 Days of Summer, it will be in this movie. Has anyone considered the movie intentionally self-critical and purgative? Bellflower expresses something about sourceless grief and shapeless anger, and it attempts to transmute these states into a filmic narrative. What the fuck is wrong with that, and why does it matter if other people have realer problems or realer suffering? The judgment itself is an article of subjectivity. I think some of the conversations here are more offensively myopic than this movie.

  23. Funny, their lack of jobs came up in the festival Q&A where I saw it. They just said it wasn’t important to the story and lots of movies don’t say what their jobs are. But yes, they do have jobs.

  24. Yeah, I found an interview where Glodell said they had originally had scenes about all of their jobs but they ended up cutting it all out (I think at the script stage). But I don’t think it works to watch the movie assuming they are going to work in between scenes. I mean, the two main characters just up and leave town for days and nobody is even sure where they are. I guess maybe they all work from home. Maybe they run a porn websight or something. Or maybe they send those spambot messages I keep getting.

  25. Charles Bukowski was mentioned earlier. And he’s perhaps the best example of how you can entertain people with stories about your daily life – precisely by not leaving out any details. If I’m reading a book or watching a movie that pretends to be about somebody’s life, I have to know everything to make it work. Or else it won’t do us any good to watch it in twenty years from now to see what was wrong with 2011 – other than the fact that some film makers didn’t bother to show us everything.

  26. I literally *just* wrote about this strength in Bukowski’s work two days ago.

    “Listening to Sedaris’ collection of short stories, diary entries, offhanded anecdotes and play-by-play breakdowns of overweight Midwesterners ordering coffee at mediocre hotels, I couldn’t help but think of another great American author, Charles Bukowski.

    As with Sedaris, Bukowski was the rarest of all things; a niche author celebrated during his own lifetime. And, as with Sedaris, Bukowski’s oeuvre focused primarily on the details of his own life. His early novels and collections of poetry mulled over his torrid affairs with women, excessive drinking, compulsive gambling and the bad luck that began with a horribly scarred face and eventually lead him to spend 10 hours a day filing mail in the back room of a post office. As time progressed, Bukowski found fame and fortune. Instead of going back to the well of his impoverished booze-hound womanizer persona, he began to write about his life as a wealthy, booze-hound womanizer who was slowly, very slowly, trying to turn his life around, always Slouching Toward Nirvana.

    But whereas Bukowski’s incredibly prolific body of work remained gripping and vital because of its’ ongoing arc of a man seeking redemption that he would never achieve, possibly because he didn’t deserve it, Sedaris’ more middle of the road material is less appealing. And while Bukowski was a fairly horrible person by any rational standard, his various grotesqueries are more relatable than the self-satisfied snark evident in Sedaris’ casual discussions of bourgeois life in France: the needless details of the obesity of a woman he disliked, his holier-than-thou rage at modern slang. Much of the material seems not autobiographical, but simply self-serving. As the stewardess heroine of one of his tales intoned, “You’re trash. You’re trash. Your family’s trash.” Indeed.”

    http://chatsworth.patch.com/articles/humorist-david-sedaris-takes-the-stage-at-csun

  27. I would like to see a film that shows or tries to show everything. It would be a different film. It would not be Bellflower. Bellflower is not a film about daily lives, it’s a film about relationship emotions. It seems to bother some people here that it’s a film about emotions – they want it to be about something else, something from their lives – and I would say that the emotions do get taken too far, and that this is mirrored by the narrative, which goes too far, and therefore the film is authentic to itself.

  28. i love how the last five minutes of the movie goes all Michael Mann.

  29. spoiler spoiler spoilers
    spoilers
    I wish I’d seen the version Tawdry saw at the premiere. What a shame the tension, the horror, even if it becomes a comical level of horror, of extreme emotions over the most petty betrayals among privileged L.A. idiots, is wasted by a bitchass change of perspective in the final act. It’s a narrative that betrays the audience for no good reason but to sanitize itself, to say, “Oh, it’s okay, you don’t have to feel bad about the blood and destruction. Just a dream sequence. We’re all woke up now. Hope you enjoyed the movie, that was almost kinda crazy, huh? Well, anyway, Mom’s got your pop tarts in the toaster downstairs. Have a good day, sweetie.”

    I was hoping to see the birth of Apocalypse. Lord motherfucking Humongous. Instead it’s a guy dealing with his feelings, his broken heart. {pause to laugh & vomit} And somehow a movie about gradually more ridiculous extremes, a movie with high potential for symbolic greatness in the relationships among tools, weaponry, hardware upgrades & evolutions, party life, girlfriend-boyfriend upgrades & evolutions, juvenile dreams, and adult-level dreams becomes a safe, forgettable movie.

    I agree a lot with Ronald in his 2 posts and I agree a lot with Armond Black. I disagree with how soft Vern treats this movie, but I see he’s trying extra hard not to judge the younger people and their silly relationship squabble movie, trying to appreciate the story despite the hipster-/-outlaw badass divide or whatever. I get it, people from Washington are always jealous of California dudes, always trying to prove you might be cool enough to make it 2 states south.

    Chris, get the fuck outta here. That’s a nice compliment to BELLFLOWER’s cinematography and mood, but c’mon, let’s not get out of control.

    BELLFLOWER’s cast is my age, and we might enjoy partying together occasionally, but I hated these motherfuckers. At least, I hated their decision-making rationale; I merely disliked everything else about them. I know you don’t have to “like” the characters in order to like or appreciate a movie, but these people are trash. They seem to know nothing of the world outside their hood. They make enemies easily. They make enemies of their fellow Americans, their neighbors, because they lack any worldly perspective and because they’re always drunk. They generate artificial drama in their lives to make them seem more important than they really are. That’s what some women do when they gossip and complain about inanities; that’s not a male trait that should happen for more than a few minutes until your buddy sets you straight.

    You don’t drive your bike through a stop sign because you’re emotional. Bitchass move.

    This dude freaks out when he sees his girl getting railed by another dude; he should be celebrating, b/c he just discovered something that’ll save him from putting his dick back in that coffin. Collect your property, delete her #, and move on. Don’t sit there 24/7 & whine about how she wronged you. I can’t understand this.

    And they don’t recycle. Not cool.

    I am hopelessly and gratefully unaccustomed to the lifestyle & decision-making of these characters. I can’t relate to assholes who litter, struggle with rent, break bottles on a guy’s head, look like pansies with a baseball bat, constantly drink like degenerates, swoon & mope over semi-attractive girls, smoke in bed, play with dangerous hardware as though it’s toys, celebrate shitty restaurants & dive bars, etc.. These are some grimy, declasse bitches. They’d be rednecks, but they’re semantically classified as a different breed due to their clothing & hairdos.

  30. The version I saw was the final version. When they made the movie there was no extended fantasy. That was done in post with the help of some reshoots.

  31. Correction: I wish I’d seen the “original cut” to which you referred.

    “Half a good movie” is accurate.

  32. I think Mouth and I are the same age (I’m 28) and I agree with him. If I caught my wife with another man it would suck and I would feel hurt but it would mostly just be really easy to just move the fuck on.

    Mouth and I might be rare but I don’t think too many dudes our age spend a lot of our time feeling sad or shit.

    I was looking forward to renting this (although my local store (Potomac Video) just closed, so that meant I would have to reup my Netflix account) but now I think I’ll just watch more rasslin’ instead.

  33. Odd coincidence: That damn Daniel Tosh did a nice series of jokes this weekend about how he becomes infatuated too easily but is also unable to break up with girls. So as soon as he hooks up with a girl he likes, it becomes a 3 year commitment because he’s too weak to break it off. (I won’t try to emulate the humor here, since it doesn’t sound right on these boards.)

    I have the same exact problem, being too much of a pussy to tell a girl “It’s over” after a week or 2, except I’ve managed to get lucky every time so far by letting travels do the hard work of breaking up for me. Long distance relationship, yeah right lulz. So anyway Tosh said that the best thing, the thing he prays for every day on the drive home, is if he discovers his girlfriend blowing another guy.

    It would sting for like a minute, but then FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOM!

  34. That’s funny.

    I had that issue too. I would basically go from one relationship to the next with little to no break between from 15 till I was 21. Since shortly after my 21st birthday I have fastidiously avoided having a girlfriend. I have girls I will hang out with, go to social functions with, be friends with…and sometimes we sleep together too. I’m very honest about the fact that I still have a *lot* of things to figure out about myself and a heaping helping of personal issues which leave me in a place where I don’t think it would be productive for me to have a relationship. And more than that, it wouldn’t be fair to *her* either.

    However, I still don’t know how to end a relationship. I just know how to never have one. ahahha…oy.

  35. BTW, an ironic mustache is a mustache where, when you look at the guy, you’re like, “He doesn’t really *mean* that mustache.” It’s one of those things where you know it when you see it. You know, like obscenity.

  36. Click on my name and look at my profile pic for an example.

    Don’t get me wrong, I wish I could mean that mustache. I just don’t have it in me, though.

  37. Yeah… I hate to break it to you, Mr. Majestyk, but between the screen name alluding to an obscure character, the foreign language profile pic, the stunner shades, the ironic mustache and the hit whoring for your *blog* where you show off the aforementioned glasses/’stache combo, you’re a hipster. Don’t worry though, there are recovery programs.

  38. I was worried about that. I knew I should have gotten myself tested after I dated that chick with the tattoo sleeve and glasses a few years back.

  39. DId she have a tattoo of Snoopy? It’s a common symptom that many people overlook.

  40. Nah, all vines and roses and crows or whatever. You know, standard tattoo shit that makes you look like you fell in a mud puddle when the lights go out.

  41. I wanna get, “Generic” tattooed in gothic letters on my collarbone.

  42. Most of the hipsters here in Norway are Swedish baristas that look just like you, Mr Majestyk. It’s a small and strange world.

  43. I can’t bring myself to hate hipsters. I don’t know, maybe I’m mellowing with age but it seems to me that you can find an excuse to hate anyone.

    The only people I really hate these days are white people. Assholes deserve it, too.

    Maybe it’s because I’ve always been hopelessly attracted to “scene girls”. It doesn’t even matter what scene anymore.

    But, yeah, white people are the worst.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hepw_8fLhMI&feature=player_embedded

  44. it was literally difficult for me to watch that whole trailer. However, the Regina Spektor at the end was at least some redemption.

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