I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern Vs. The CHAOS DVD!!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

This is not the best review Vern has ever written.

This is the best review anyone has ever written.

I heart Vern. Very, very much. I advise you to read every word of this one and savor it. Film criticism genuinely gets no better than this.

Well boys, there’s this horror movie called CHAOS that comes out on DVD at the end of September. I thought it would be good to review it now so that you will have forgotten about it by then. I wouldn’t recommend watching the movie – in fact, if possible, I recommend not ever hearing of it. Just stop reading now, unread the first part of this paragraph, and don’t think about it again. We’re only encouraging them. By reviewing this movie I’m just giving the dipshits who made it the attention they’re waving their dicks around begging for, but I want to review it for two reasons:

  1. I’m always up for another round of that stupid “torture porn” debate
  2. For masochistic horror fans I might recommend borrowing or stealing (but not buying) the DVD just because the extras are so hilariously insane and retarded

CHAOS is a low budget, no imagination, blatant ripoff of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT directed by a former pro-wrestler named David “The Demon” DeFalco. Its one and only claim to fame is that they managed to get a no-star review from Roger Ebert and then they wrote him a letter that lured him into an ongoing debate about violence in movies, as if their movie deserved to be a part of that discussion.

ChaosDuring the opening scene I actually thought I might like the movie. A Honeybunny-from-Pulp-Fiction type is hitchhiking when some rednecks pull over and imply that they will give her a ride in exchange for sexual favors. She refuses their offer, they grab her like they’re gonna rape her. But these rednecks aren’t the ones you gotta worry about. The girl’s friends, one of them a big, bald Stone Cold Steve Austin type, come out of the trees, beat the shit out of the guys, and destroy their car with a baseball bat. The way it cuts right in the middle of the car-smashing just tosses you into the movie like a rock through a window.

But that’s as good as the movie gets. The story is credited to “an original idea by David DeFalco and Steven Jay Bernheim,” the original idea apparently being to remake LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT without paying for the rights. They are using a little known legal loophole that if you act confused and change the subject when somebody mentions it’s a remake then it doesn’t count as copyright violation. If you’ve seen LAST HOUSE there’s no reason to watch this, it’s just the same god damn thing but not done as well. Two girls go to “a rave” (which is portrayed by some dudes hanging out in the woods during the day time without music. I guess they couldn’t afford a stereo). They try to buy ecstasy from a random dude (Sage Stallone, ROCKY V) who says he has some but they have to walk about 20 minutes to where his friends are. They are hesitant but decide to go.

We know Sage’s friends are the crazy gang of fugitives we have been seeing since the attack on the rednecks. Their leader is the big bald guy, played by Kevin Gage (who seems like he could be good in other movies). The character’s name is Chaos. I’m surprised the others aren’t named Anarchy and Six Sixsix, because that’s the kind of imagination and refined taste you got behind the movie. There is little suspense or tension. As soon as the girls come in the house the bad guys grab them and start menacing them, and the girls spend the rest of the movie crying and begging for their lives.

The gang takes the girls out in the woods, they let them get away, they chase them, rape them, kill them, etc. At the end the killers say their car broke down and ask if they can stay with the parents of one of the girls. The parents figure out that these people killed their girl, and try to get their revenge. But they don’t do as good of a job as the parents in LAST HOUSE. So it’s a TOTALLY different movie. Remake? I don’t know what you’re talking about. The ending isn’t as good, so how could it be a remake?

I can see how if you’d never seen LAST HOUSE but you were open to that kind of movie, and you were in a charitable mood, you might think this movie was disturbing and raw enough to give it a mild, open-minded kind of pass. Most of it is competent as far as this kind of thing goes. There’s some laughable line readings, but you’re a horror fan so you’re used to that. At least it’s serious and somewhat realistic. Not nearly as well executed as the similarly serious and somewhat realistic WOLF CREEK, but maybe you didn’t see that either.

The trouble is, if you’ve seen LAST HOUSE you gotta be wondering even more than the people who are offended by this kind of movie what the fuck is the point of making this. The original is definitely not for everybody. I hated it the first time I saw it. It’s not a fun time, alot of it is sloppy, and if you’re gonna make a moral argument against a movie it’s a pretty easy target. But over the years I’ve sort of learned to appreciate it. It was a movie that came out of the Vietnam war, it was some young angry guys trying to make a movie against violence by depicting it as horrible and messy. It makes death long and painful. It has a sadistic villain who seems like the original Mr. Blonde. And it has that muddy, dirty look of some low budget ’70s movies that make them seem so spooky and almost real. In the end, when the parents try to kill the murderers using methods as vicious as those used against their daughter, Craven is hitting on one of his favorite themes of seemingly civilized people breaking down into savages when the shit hits the fan (see also THE HILLS HAVE EYES).

The CHAOS chumps try to do all the same things, except for that last one, which is probaly a little over their heads. They’re not interested in that stuff, they’re just interested in serial killers (which DeFalco explains he has been researching for years, even before he wanted to make the movie.) They never veer from the original plot in any way that I noticed, adding only the insignificant detail that the parents are an interracial couple and the sheriff makes racist comments. YOU SEE, NOT A REMAKE. TOTALLY DIFFERENT. DO NOT SUE.

So it’s LAST HOUSE, but not as good, and less. Except – and I’m pretty sure this is how they justify it in their minds – the details of the girls’ murders are even more disgusting. It’s not wall-to-wall violence or anything but it’s true, the two murders of the girls will be something you will wish you didn’t see. Which they will take as a compliment. Way to go guys, here is a sticker for your star chart.

In an ideal world the movie would’ve disappeared like all the other crappy horror movies that people throw on the pile every day, and I wouldn’t even be reviewing this shit. But there was that Roger Ebert thing. Somehow they got him to review the movie, unsurprisingly he thought it was shit, so they turned that into “controversy” and the ol’ torture porn argument comes up again.

This time around the argument is especially stupid because it’s obviously just a promotional gimmick for a shitty movie. But it also comes up every time a more legitimate movie like a HOSTEL or a WOLF CREEK comes out, which is alot these days. And it’s generally a debate between people who don’t watch horror movies and people who occasionally watch horror movies, some of both types accusing the latest horror movie of being “nothing but torture porn.” Usually, they’re just being ignorant of the genre. I didn’t think HOSTEL was very good, and it definitely has that “dude, it’s fucked up, like Miike!” corniness to it. But you are clearly supposed to sympathize with the idiot frat boy dickhead protagonists. You are supposed to root for them to escape the torturers. Just like you rooted for Laurie in HALLOWEEN and Sally in TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE and Nancy in HALLOWEEN and all those other horror movies that even these critics admit are classics. You are not supposed to just get a boner because people are being tortured, like the “torture porn” label implies.

I was more impressed by THE HILLS HAVE EYES, which both had more to say and was more fun to me. And I liked WOLF CREEK which to many critics was torture porn and to me was a good old fashioned adrenaline pumping oh-shit-let’s-get-the-hell-out-of-here type of slasher movie. I thought alot of critics punished that movie for being too good. If it had been silly and cartoony like HIGH TENSION they would’ve laughed it off but since it was believable and intense they acted like it had pissed on their shoes. I mean if you’re gonna make judgments about which grueling horror experiences are acceptable, where is the line drawn? Why did some people think that escaping the mutants in THE HILLS HAVE EYES remake was appalling but escaping the mutants in THE DESCENT was great fun? Was HILLS too close to reality because the mutants were wearing clothes? Or does it not count as torture porn if it’s below sea level?

It’s the same as the “gore vs. no gore” debate, the whole thing is based on a false premise. You know, somebody always has to bring up that old classic about “movies are only scary if the gore is off screen, like Hitchcock.” And then there are the guys who are only interested in the goriest, most graphic shit available. The people who buy the Guinea Pig box set and movies with either CANNIBAL or HOLOCAUST or both in the title, those types of movies that I’m not sure if Ebert even knows about. The whole issue is ridiculous, it’s like saying that you only like movies with balloons in them or you only like movies without balloons in them. Gore could be good or it could be bad. It all depends on what the story is and how the story is told. THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE manages to be disturbing by making you imagine there’s horrible violence even though almost all of it is off screen. TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2 is disturbing by being gorey as hell – that scene where Chop Top beats L.G.’s head in with a hammer is no picnic. In some movies gore can actually be a fun rush, like when the wood splinter goes into that gal’s eyeball in ZOMBIE. Some people like car chases, some people like that. Or of course alot of the newsies enjoy the over-the-top bloodiness of DEAD ALIVE/BRAINDEAD.

I don’t understand why people like FACES OF DEATH and ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME and shit, but oh well. Life goes on. It’s kind of obnoxious to moralize about it. All these people who don’t like horror trying to convince me it’s wrong to like WOLF CREEK is like me trying to tell Tim McGraw how to make his albums better. It’s none of my business. For me all that matters is WOLF CREEK works as a horror movie. CHAOS doesn’t.

But there’s always gonna be that bullshit “HAS HOLLYWOOD FINALLY GONE TOO FAR?” debate, so it’s a handy way to add a sheen of importance to a shitty horror movie like this. At least they didn’t go the First Amendment Martyr route, I guess. On the DVD extra “The Roger Ebert Controversy,” director DeFalco sits mostly silent while producer Steven Jay Bernheim quotes from reviews and defends the movie. One review he talks about is by some dude named “Capone”

Okay, I don’t want to take away from Capone, who apparently thought the movie was pretty good. But he buys into their claim that it’s “a cautionary tale,” as if the producers are desperately trying to help teenage girls make better decisions that will prevent them from being attacked in the woods by roving gangs of serial killers. The movie opens with an unintentionally funny after school special type text crawl that ends by saying, “The producers hope the film you are about to see will serve as a warning to parents and potential victims alike. It is intended to be as disturbing as the subject matter it depicts in order to educate and, perhaps, save lives.”

What’s great is watching Bernheim go into detail trying to support this ridiculous idea that the movie is educational. At first it just seems insulting to your intelligence, then at a certain point you start to wonder if he has actually sold himself his own bullshit. I think he now really believes that this movie was planned as a public service announcement to help teenage girls be more streetwise in the woods.

I almost don’t have the heart to tell him that very few teenage girls watch movies like this. The people who watch these movies are the dudes I mentioned before who are always looking for the most “fucked up” thing available. They might enjoy the two sicko rape/mutilation scenes in this movie. After all, on the commentary track they explain that they are exactly based on the mutilations that a real serial killer did. They keep dropping the killer’s name like it’s an old blues singer they’re fond of, and Bernheim says that depicting the mutilations he did “gives legitimacy to the movie.” If that’s not classy enough for you he also explains that one of the actresses had been raped in real life and was creating a cathartic experience for other victims of violent crime by playing a character who spends most of her screen time being raped and killed. Hopefully these selfless humanitarians will get some kind of award for their great compassion toward victims of sexual assault. I mean I don’t like to throw around words and phrases like “hero” or “the new Gandhi” or “makes Jesus seem like kind of a dick in comparison,” but Steven Jay Bernheim has earned all those labels with his work on this film, it sounds like, the way he tells it.

Anyway, some Faces of Death types may enjoy that shit, but they probaly won’t agree with DeFalco’s description of this as “the most brutal film of all time” (repeated dozens of times throughout all the extras as well as on the front cover, the back cover and the disc itself) since they’ve jerked off to CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST since they were 13, and the “brutality” in this is mostly confined to two scenes. It’s weird because they are the only audience for this movie but they’re gonna be bored during most of it.

Unless they’re parents and they’re busy learning, because it is after all gonna “serve as a warning to parents and potential victims alike.” I’d love to see the family meeting where mom and dad sit down little Susie and Taylor to watch CHAOS.

“Honey, as you get older, you’re starting to notice changes in your body. You’re not a little girl anymore. So stay at the party, don’t leave with someone you don’t know. As you can see here, a guy might cut off your nipple and stick it in your mouth and you’ll puke, and then he’ll stab you in the back a bunch of times and then buttfuck your corpse and then peer pressure his buddy into doing the same. I know it’s tough to watch but it is intended to be as disturbing as the subject matter it depicts in order to educate and, perhaps, save lives.”

You know how the fake controversy goes. Decide for yourself. You gotta watch it so you can make up your own mind about some dudes buttfucking a corpse. Listen to the commentary track, watch the “Roger Ebert Controversy” extra. Maybe you’ll disagree with me. Maybe you’ll think they seem like reasonable people and that they make an intelligent argument.

Then I want you to click on the next extra, “Inside the Coroner’s Office: A Tour of the L.A. Coroner’s Crypt.” This is a little featurette following L.A. county forensic technichian Michael A. Cormier, who talks about his job while showing off actual rotting corpses in his “crypt.” And it keeps cutting to footage of director DeFalco in the same place, with no shirt on and a chain around his neck, flexing his muscles and yelling pro-wrestling type commentary such as “10,000 bodies a year baby, go right through these doors and THE DEMON… the Demon’s playground – ARRGHH!! (flexes muscles) – is here, now!”

I’m not kidding. This very serious filmmaker, who has a strong educational message about the nature of violence, stands among real life murder victims declaring that he is “the Demon” and “the director of the most brutal film of all time.”

“First time, baby! First time IN CINEMA HISTORY! A director has EVER been interviewed in this… crypt… of homicides, su-i-cides, car wrecks, and every other horrific faTALity in Los Angeles, California.”

And I swear to God that in this featurette he starts calling out Roger Ebert as if he was Macho Man Randy Savage calling out whoever it was that Macho Man Randy Savage used to fight.

“Well Roger Ebert, as I stand here surrounded by homicides, suicides, and all the brutal fatalities in Los Angeles, I ask you, jack… THIS is reality! This is why I have the outlook on life that I have. Because this is where it all ends up. They end up in pieces, head exploded, extremities torn off. This is what it’s all about. This is what CHAOS is all about. The horrific part of life, the part that you don’t see in movies. The part that they don’t tell you about in books. Because this is the reality, this is MY reality, Roger Ebert.”

THIS JUST IN: THERE ARE MURDERS. COURAGEOUS NEW MOVIE WILL REVEAL SHOCKING TRUTH. BOOKS ARE LIARS.

Before this insanity gets boring there is a crazy plot twist where DeFalco ends up in the same shot as Cormier. He shakes his hand and talks about being his close friend. At first I thought this poor coroner guy really didn’t know “The Demon” very well and was starting to wonder what he had gotten himself into by letting the cameras in here. But then you find out that they really are friends and are developing a movie together which DeFalco keeps calling “the next step in the succession of evil” as well as “the next step in the progression of evil.”

That’s when Cormier starts talking about his theory (“we’ll call it a theory for now”) that when people use methamphetamines it opens up a “doorway” to another dimension that allows “demonic beings” access to “this realm” so they can possess them and commit brutal crimes. You may think this sounds far fetched, even asinine, perhaps even fucking embarrassing. But Cormier explains, “I’ve been documenting it for several years, and it’s undeniable. People who use methamphetamines are opening themselves up to demonic possession…”

Later DeFalco says, “You are looking at the future of horror,” he flexes his muscles and the camera zooms in on his bicep.

The whole thing is so crazy I started to wonder if maybe this Cormier guy was an actor, and it was just another gimmick to promote DeFalco’s next crappy movie. Googling technology failed to bring up a real coroner named Cormier. But an email to the L.A. Coroner’s Office Media-Public Information Officer proved that it wasn’t a hoax. The Chief Coroner Investigator and Chief of Operations confirmed Cormier’s employment, adding, “I believe that he was offering his own opinion/theory regarding the subject matter he was speaking to and not the official position of the Department of Coroner or the County of Los Angeles.”

Which is good to know. But still, I have a message for those of you who live in L.A.: try not to get killed. You don’t want that guy cutting on your body, in my opinion.

Anyway, probaly the most insane DVD extra I’ve ever seen.

I should correct something that Quint said in his introduction to Capone’s review, that “having Sage Stallone in it is almost a stamp of approval” because of Stallone’s involvement in restoring and releasing gorey Italian movies. By now Quint has probaly heard that when Stallone signed up it was to work with his friend David Hess (from LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT… what an incredible coincidence!) who was playing the sheriff. When Hess was fired a few days into production Stallone tried to quit but couldn’t get out of his contract. And this has apparently led to at least one humorously tense panel discussion at a horror convention. It’s not clear to me whether or not the cast really signed on thinking it was an official remake, but whatever happened, you can’t deny it’s a brazen daylight robbery.

To me that’s the biggest strike against the movie, that it’s an unnecessary and not very good remake of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, and that they won’t even admit it. The only big difference is that they dumped the booby traps the parents made in the original and changed the ending. In their version the cops try to get the dad to put down the gun he has to Chaos’s head. For no reason, the sheriff shoots the dad in the forehead! Then the mom shoots the sheriff, Chaos shoots the other cop, then shoots the mom and cackles as we fade to black.

The ending is actually kind of a relief because after so much sadism you get to laugh at these idiots and their attempts to be shocking. Craven was pretentious when he made his movie but that’s better than this moronic Insane Clown Posse type “dark” bullshit. OOOOOH! He’s laughing! because he’s EVIL. And not only that, he’s CHAOS. EVIL CHAOS. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. You can probaly be an idiot and get away with making a “fun” type of horror movie, but you gotta have a little bit of intelligence behind this grim nihilistic stuff if you don’t want it to be laughable and sad.

I guess because of that dumbass change to the ending they have convinced themselves that their movie is not a ripoff. In fact, nowhere on any of the extras do they ever mention LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. It’s almost as if some sort of lawyer had advised them not to mention it. They do mention being inspired by “all those ’70s drive-in movies” but they’re careful to always specify that this means TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. TEXAS CHAIN SAW is of course named as the inspiration for the chain saw fight at the end, even though it happens to be exactly like the chain saw fight in LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, which came first. The closest they ever come to mentioning LAST HOUSE is on the commentary track when Bernheim gets defensive about the parents’ revenge at the end:

SJB: “And this is a theme that dates back to mythology, to folklore.”

DD: “Yeah, it’s a public domain story.”

SJB: “it’s a theme that, that, you know, a revenge theme. It’s not the principle focus of the movie.”

Of course, all of us remember that old folk tale about the father whose daughter and her friend get raped and killed in the woods by a gang of fugitives (one female, the rest male) and there’s the two wacky cops looking for the girls and then the fugitives come ask to stay at the father’s house and he notices that they have an article of his daughter’s clothing and they must’ve killed her so he attacks them with a chain saw. I think it was called “Anansi the Spider” or something, I forget, but it was a good folk tale. And public domain. Don’t worry about it.

On the commentary track they go on and on about how they were trying to make a movie that depicted violence as ugly and not glamorous, as if they had no idea that Craven was going for the same thing with his movie almost 35 years ago, or that he described his goals similarly on his commentary track. It’s like they live in some alternate universe where LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT doesn’t even exist.

That must be it because how else do you explain an extended debate with Roger Ebert about violence in horror movies that never mentions his 3 1/2 star review of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT? He called it “a tough, bitter little sleeper of a movie that’s about four times as good as you’d expect,” and compared it to WAIT UNTIL DARK and STRAW DOGS. If DeFalco and Bernheim lived in a world where LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT existed, they could bring up this review and say, “Hey, you liked the exact same thing when Wes Craven did it, you’re such a hypocrite.” But then they’d have to wonder if that meant it wasn’t just the gruesomeness of the movie that was bad. It was the movie itself. Craven did it better, smarter, and three decades earlier.

But Craven’s biceps are much smaller than DeFalco’s, he always wears a shirt, and he never went into a morgue and flexed his muscles, yelling shit about demons. So you guys can be proud about that one. Way to go fellas.

If you must watch this movie – and believe me, you mustn’t – just find somewhere to download it. Then if they get mad because you downloaded their movie just say “What? This isn’t your movie. It’s totally different. And besides, I’m watching it to, perhaps, save lives.”

–Vern

I’ll let you guys figure out in talkback which line made me laugh so hard I woke up my wife who’s in a different room in the house. God bless you, Vern, and hats off to the single best review I’ve ever published.

“Moriarty” out.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/24309

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 3:54 a.m. CST

    hello first

    by Phategod1

    hello first please dont strike

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:01 a.m. CST

    Wow

    by Ridge

    In Chat you came in claiming this the best review ever… and damn it if you’re not right.

    Jesus I hope these guys get sued to hell for this movie!!!

    The demons and amphetamines thing… roflmao!!! Next time I go past a rave I’ll check in to see if Lord Diablo has taken shape yet…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:30 a.m. CST

    BAN redfist

    by SnakesOnABicycle

    Any ass-shit who hits refresh that many times to WHINE about not getting first, like it really got to him and ruined his night, and who has an annoying name like redfist, needs to get fucking banned. Hell, ban me for caring so much about such an annoying piece of fucking shit ass fuck! … So long as you ban him first.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:35 a.m. CST

    Friggin’ hilarious…

    by Messiahman

    Quite possibly the funniest review for any film I’ve ever read. But watch out Vern, as the Demon doesn’t take criticism lightly. At an LA screening, he responded to heckles from the audience by shouting “Hey! You saw what was up there onscreen — do you wanna see what I’m capable of?!” Needless to say, it was pathetic.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:44 a.m. CST

    That was a pretty good review but…

    by thatpeterguy

    without any blatant product placements it seemed a little hollow. But in all seriousness, that was a great review and I couldn’t agree more. There’s a difference between grossing your audience out and inducing fear through the acting, score, cinematography, and script. Any idiot can dream up some sick shit, slap a camera on a tripod and then go to work. Surrounding a snuff film with a plot does not a movie make.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:58 a.m. CST

    Wait!

    by Mactor52

    No mention of “The Virgin Spring”? The Bergman film that “Last House” ripped off directly and gave no credit to?

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:09 a.m. CST

    Vern you are genius

    by axemurder

    godlike, I really like that review, very restrained for you! you are the best writer here at AICN n my opinion.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:10 a.m. CST

    Anansi the Spider

    by mr jones

    Damn if that wasn’t the best bit.

    Vern – the man, the myth, the legend.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:48 a.m. CST

    Agreed on “Anansi the Spider”

    by InsidePulse.com

    made me laugh the hardest while reading.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:54 a.m. CST

    In Ebert’s Defense

    by jollysleeve

    He did like the Devil’s Rejects. Frankly, from the sound of this movie and the douchebags who made it, I’m siding with Ebert on this one.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:27 a.m. CST

    And P.S.

    by jollysleeve

    Pretty great review by Vern. His best? I don’t know. He’s written some real gems. (“Oh, you know, just Out For a Kill.”)

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:28 a.m. CST

    PPS

    by jollysleeve

    AICN’s new search feature is useless.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:38 a.m. CST

    funniest line…by far…

    by T-Pot25

    “makes Jesus seem like kind of a dick in comparison”

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:53 a.m. CST

    Mactor52

    by readingwriter

    You stole my thunder. Someone complaining that Last House–a ripoff, oh, sorry, a “homage” to Virgin Spring–was ripped off is just too frickin funny for words. OK, now I’ll go back and read beyond that gag-inducing line.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:58 a.m. CST

    The demon!!

    by ShoulderDevil

    see now someone needs to make a movie about this guy making this.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:59 a.m. CST

    Very good stuff..

    by TELF

    I’m a Vern fan anyway, but I would like to see more stuff like this on the AICN. Reviews that set up a platform for debate. Anyway, Vern is spot-on that the correct perspective to view films from is not moral/amoral, but rather good/bad. And I would urge everyone to click on the links at the bottom and check out my fave Vern reviews (Domino and Brokeback) or his Craig R Baxley retrospective…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:03 a.m. CST

    Hmmm, readingwriter/Mactor…

    by TELF

    Fair enough. But do you get the impression that these Chaos genuises are even aware of Virgin Spring? They were clearly ripping off Last House. That’s Vern’s point. It’s fun to score pedantic points I guess, but that one just made it seem like you hadn’t read the whole article.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:06 a.m. CST

    funniest line…by far…

    by T-Pot25

    “makes Jesus seem like kind of a dick in comparison”

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:09 a.m. CST

    Agree with T-Pot25…

    by Tunza

    …I went back and read that line several times out loud. I just about collapsed with laughter.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:10 a.m. CST

    OK review

    by readingwriter

    I might have thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread if you hadn’t TOLD me it was before the review. Basically I’m getting this is a bad movie with egotistical weirdos behind the camera, ala every other damned movie. The description reminds me of those horror movies I occassionally rent thinking they’ll be “gritty” when what they turn out to be is “shot on video”. Some horror fans can’t handle admitting that yeah, they just like watching women get hurt, painfully. The pretentiousness of the director is balloon-popped by his “THE DEMON!” self-adulation fanboy posturing–you can see he wants to be considered stone cold himself. But all in all, does this little pustule of a movie deserve all this anger? I can’t work up too much anger when it seems that 90% of horror movies aren’t about creating an eerie atmosphere or creating that pleasurable scary sensation in the audience, but about creating bloody and disgusting imagery.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:14 a.m. CST

    Telf

    by readingwriter

    You completely missed the point. The point is VERN didn’t realize that Last House is itself a ripoff. His repeatedly bashing them for ripping off a movie is intended to show his awareness, but it’s like attacking a movie for ripping off the plot without ever mentioning that Alien’s plot is a ripoff of It! The Terror from Beyond Space. It’s fun to score pedantic points I guess, but that one just made it seem like you didn’t understand the freakin point, and are as ignorant of film history as Vern so obviously is, no offense to either of you. (And Alien is better than IT! but it did rip off its plot.)

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:16 a.m. CST

    I need sleep…

    by readingwriter

    but it’s like attacking a movie for ripping off the plot without ever mentioning that Alien’s plot SHOULD READ but it’s like attacking a movie for ripping off the plot of Alien without ever mentioning that Alien…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:39 a.m. CST

    —–ZOMBIES——-

    by kidjingo

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:23 a.m. CST

    GorePorn Takes No Talent Whatsoever

    by flamingrunt

    I mean you could build suspense, unnerve people with lighting, music, characters. Build on peoples most basic fears and mentally freak them out. Or….. you could just do Goreporn. ANYONE could have made Hostel. Horror and porn always attract the worst directors because theyre the easiest films to do. you just show some tits or someone being killed. Comedies, thrillers, dramas…they require a modicum of talent. But anyone can do Goreporn and thats why everyone hates it. Its lazy and its sloppy and only 14 year old mentally “challenged” people like it

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Vern is an AICN treasure.

    by Nordling

    Way to knock it out of the park. I don’t even need to see this now. Not like I was planning to, but this review’s so thorough that I’ll have no need to even touch the box on the DVD rack. Does the guy really go apeshit at the LA coroner’s? They should have shown the guy going into the gift shop (yes, the LA county coroner’s actually has one) and buying a t-shirt to proclaim just how bad-ass he was.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:43 a.m. CST

    readingwriter…

    by TELF

    Obviously I understood your point. All I was saying is that it wasn’t a valid criticism. The makers of Chaos were clearly attempting to rip Last House (specifically, not in a general homage), they even wanted to hire an original cast member. That they refuse to acknowledge their theft and then make out like they are pushing the boundaries of horror film-making is not made more or less funny/damning by the fact that they themselves are unaware that their source film is itself a rip off. It’s an ironic observation, sure, but it doesn’t negate Vern’s point.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Vern: I think someone mentioned this before,

    by CreasyBear

    but why don’t you get the majestic black box when you join a talkback? Not paying your AICN union dues or something? Or are you still in some form of initiation / hazing phase?

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:18 a.m. CST

    I never really liked Last House On the Left…

    by rbatty024

    but at least I could see what West Craven was trying to do. And while it was an inferior film to The Virgin Spring, the timing of the remake at least makes sense. This sounds like shit, although the extras sound fucking hilarious. Great review.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Vern, your dismissal of “torture porn” debate…

    by PhilConnors

    …makes no sense. “Since you’re not into it, you can’t comment on it.” What? By that rationale, we’d have to tolerate ALL forms of porn. Sorry, but I think that there are a lot of sickos who get off on all sorts sick shit, and we as a society have a responsibility to condemn it and try to limit it as much as possible.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:46 a.m. CST

    I liked the Ingmar Bergman version of this movie.

    by johnnyangelheart

    ‘The Virgin Spring’. Now that was a great movie with an incredible emotional payoff at the end. Those dumbasses should have ripped it off.

    Oh, and Vern, you’re blowing your cover. That review was way too professional. People are going to realize that you’re not just some idiot who likes B movies, but an intelligent and thoughtful analyst of Cinema who likes B movies.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Oooopppps

    by johnnyangelheart

    I should have read the other talkbacks before posting. I just ripped off twenty other posters who mentioned ‘The Virgin Spring’ first. And hey guys, I’m betting Vern has seen ‘The Virgin Spring’, but it would be blowing his cover to admit it.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 10:20 a.m. CST

    The purpose of this review was to educate and, perhaps

    by JohnGalt06

    save lives. Very, very funny.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 10:29 a.m. CST

    The funniest line?

    by johnnyangelheart

    I mean I don’t like to throw around words and phrases like “hero” or “the new Gandhi” or “makes Jesus seem like kind of a dick in comparison,” but Steven Jay Bernheim has earned all those labels with his work on this film, it sounds like, the way he tells it.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 10:41 a.m. CST

    It kind of pisses one off that a movie like that

    by I Dunno

    can even get made and get a DVD release (was it also in wide release theatrically?) and there are filmmakers with actual talent or at least a story to tell who can’t their films even shot.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 10:53 a.m. CST

    The Virgin Spring, and one nice thing I can say

    by Vern

    First of all Readingwriter, I do know that Last House was based on The Virgin Spring. The reason I know this is because Wes Craven talks about it constantly, including on the commentary track for the movie. Believe it or not I originally discussed that in this review but I cut it out because I was worried Tom Bodet would tell me my review was too long. (Whoops.) But Telf is right, this is specifically based on Last House on the Left. I do think the producer at least is aware of Virgin Spring, which is why he said that thing I quoted about folklore and mythology, but he didn’t want to name Virgin Spring because that was too close to naming Last House. Anyway, they weren’t remaking Virgin Spring, they were remaking Last House, right down to the chain saw, like I said. Just like if you remade Magnificent Seven with cowboys that doesn’t mean it’s exactly Seven Samurai. Anyway, I wanted to say one positive thing about Chaos that I forgot to mention. It has no score, which was actually a good artistic decision.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:01 a.m. CST

    The line that did it for me

    by MartinBlank

    “But Craven’s biceps are much smaller than DeFalco’s, he always wears a shirt, and he never went into a morgue and flexed his muscles, yelling shit about demons.” I totally lost it. Vern rocks.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Give this man a Black-Post Box !

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    That coroner bit is priceless. However, his theory about meth is not as unique as it may seem. I’ve heard & read other stuff where folks have essentially stated the same thing about drugs in general. It’s the idea that someone is so far gone due to drug/alchohol abuse that they open the door for “others”. These “others” can be described as distinct personalities that manifest themselves at different times for different reasons. Whether or not they are “demons” is open for debate. But I think it’s more about the idea of slipping from reality which results in the creation of artificial coping mechanisms. — As for the film Chaos = no thanks, cocksuckers.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:16 a.m. CST

    kind’ve a repetitive review, no?

    by chickychow

    maybe Vern is actually WesCraven’s son or something… and if anything, this review makes me want to rent the dvd so i can see those extras for myself. bit of a counterproductive move, going on in great detail about the many humorous attributes to a dvd u apparently dont want anyone to see.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Vern

    by John Dalmas

    I was skeptical, but that really was the best review anyone has ever written for a movie.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:30 a.m. CST

    I’m totally against torture-porn.

    by Jar Jar 4 Prez

    Porn-torture on the other hand–I’m totally into that.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:39 a.m. CST

    the family meeting where mom and dad sit down little Su

    by AppleBalls

    Was awesome. Great review. I haven’t seen a movie with a wrestler that I’ve liked yet…hopefully the rock can pull it off in southland tales…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Hey Anchorite

    by brokebackcowboy

    I agree – this review is a loooong one and I’m about to print it out for some subway reading. Laterz.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:55 a.m. CST

    I’m not crazy about realistic slasher pics

    by brokebackcowboy

    After watching Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, I kinda soured on the genre. The cruelty seems kinda artless to me.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:59 a.m. CST

    RE: “Whether or not they are demons is open for debate”

    by I Dunno

    No it isn’t. It’s your brain malfunctioning or being re-wired because it’s trying to handle shit it shouldn’t have to be handling. No demons necessary.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Vern, you forgot to mention that they also ripped off

    by Frank The Rabbit

    the marketing campain of Last House on the Left!! CHECK OUT THE POSTER: http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/gallery/photodir2.php?photofile=875/poster.jpg

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 12:13 p.m. CST

    Vern, you forgot to mention that they also ripped off

    by Frank The Rabbit

    the marketing campain of Last House on the Left!! CHECK OUT THE POSTER: http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/gallery/photodir2.php?photofile=875/poster.jpg Check out the lower right-hand corner!!!

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 12:22 p.m. CST

    A funny story…

    by Kasch

    From Roger Ebert’s website:

    “Dear Roger Ebert:

    I’m a journalist and fellow critic for the horror-themed website Dread Central. I noticed your write-up on the film

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Messiahman, my answer to DeFalco’s audience outburst…

    by Lenny Nero

    “What, make a bad movie?”

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 12:43 p.m. CST

    LHOTL=Straw Dogs- Give mea break

    by Lovecraftfan

    SDtraw Dogs was a masterpiece of building tension, great characters, and fantastic editing. LHOTL was a film devoid of anything interesting to look and no characters to get remotely interested in. Its not a tough film to sit through its boring and more specifically its trash. Worst comparision ever.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 12:43 p.m. CST

    I Dunno

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Fair enough, I suppose. But don’t ask an addict that when he has just had a 12 hour debate with Akraz from the 6th Circle of Hell. ;)

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 1:02 p.m. CST

    DIARRHEA!

    by topaz4206

    My goodness, did anyone actually read those 3000-odd words? This review was longer than the Chaos script. So, this movie is in the spirit of the old Japanese “Guinea Pig” series. That’s all you have to say! Either you’re into that, or you aren’t. I had a hard-on throughout “Flower of Flesh and Blood” so I think I’ll at least be renting this. And Moriarty, can you just tell us the funny line? I bailed on this 1500 words in.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 1:08 p.m. CST

    I dunno_V2.1

    by down_under_soth

    fish….thats right fish, is the right answer…… Its not what you know my friend, its who.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 1:22 p.m. CST

    There’s one thing keeping this review being less than

    by chrth

    perfect. And that’s a review by Harry where he tells us he loves the film (in his graphic style). Contradicting Capone is nowhere as near as much fun.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 2:05 p.m. CST

    And now you’re reviewing it –

    by GuyLombardo

    Aren’t there better movies out there to review? I never even heard of this film until now – so your anti-promotion has worked in these crap-dealers favor.

    And CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST is a great movie, without it there would have been no Blair Witch (which sucked but I know a lot of you egg salads here went bonkers over).

    The people who made this movie must have pissed off someone here, cause this is one long ass bashing review.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 2:13 p.m. CST

    Waingro!

    by Lou C.

    Just thought it warranted mentioning. Kevin Gage was Waingro in Heat. So, he was good in another movie. The guys that made this flick seem like a couple of arrogant douchebags. I’ll skip.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 2:22 p.m. CST

    “some dudes buttfucking a corpse”…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    In a just world this would be the new AICN catchphrase…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 2:39 p.m. CST

    A snippet from the “crypt”

    by Stupid Alias

    Words can’t do it justice:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGGhZUI6DbE

    Proof enough that no-one should take this f*ck even remotely serious…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 3:24 p.m. CST

    long

    by Vern

    Yes, it’s long. That’s what I do. That’s MY REALITY, Roger Ebert. But also, this is a combination dvd review and essay about “controversial” horror movies. My original title which was left off (because it was too long for you fellas, probaly) was “Vern on the CHAOS dvd, the age old torture porn debate, and what happens when a pro-wrestler runs loose in the L.A. County Coroner’s Office.” If you don’t want to read the thing, that’s life. But maybe I could politely suggest getting off my balls and going to do whatever awesome thing it is you’d rather do than read a long, in-depth essay. p.s. From now until my next review I will spend all my free time writing talkbacks about which reviews are too short. thanks.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 3:45 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern

    by fiester

    “Last House on The Left” is a remake of Bergman’s “The Virgin Spring” which is based on a very, very old folk tale, so don’t get you’re panties in a bunch about it.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Don’t let ’em get you down Vern

    by Chris

    Most of us loved the review. The people who claim that it is too long are the same people who think books are for “smarties” and essays are only good for writing if you are in school. Keep up the good work. Keep it interesting.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 3:55 p.m. CST

    Short Attention Span Theatre anyone?

    by johnnyangelheart

    Vern’s review wasn’t too long. Maybe some of you need to up your dosage of ritalin.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 3:58 p.m. CST

    great job vern!

    by Flux_brown

    great review! that defalco dude sounds pretty fucked up…

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:01 p.m. CST

    “calling out Roger Ebert like Macho-Man Randy Savage”

    by zikade zarathos

    is the best part. I was dying. And it’s not too long for God’s sake. I know a lot of you have such busy lives that spending ten minutes to read something will seriously cramp your style, but give it a rest.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:37 p.m. CST

    Gore Porn – the horror we deserve

    by Larry of Arabia

    Great horror preys on fears of the time. At the turn of the century we were afraid of the old supernatural stories (“Dracula”) and melded them with technology to create “Frankenstien.” In the 50’s we were afraid of unsean communists among us, hence “The Thing From Another World.” The 60’s brought us Armegeddon fears, so we were graces with many end of the world films. The 70’s had the Vietnam era gritty cycle of retribution horror of “Last House on the Left.” The 80’s gave us the serial killer fad lifted from sensationalist local news stories. Currently our horror stems from torture. These movies went into development around the time of Gitmo and Abu Graib. The unsaid fear is that if our government, whom we thought above this, can torture what’s to stop it from happening to any of us? If you want a great, nongory torture film check out “Hard Candy.” Confess? Is he innocent? Is it justified?

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 4:37 p.m. CST

    Gore Porn

    by Larry of Arabia

    Great, now I keep pictureing Tipper and Al gettin busy with some global warming. Why can’t I picture their hot kids?

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:01 p.m. CST

    The coroner

    by werideatdusk

    Definitely the most hilarious thing in the review, and it was just a quote from the DVD. Glad to know it wasn’t the official position of Los Angeles County.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:01 p.m. CST

    Clarification

    by TheRealCapone

    Not to take away from Vern’s fantastic analysis of the CHAOS DVD in any way, but since he called me out specifically as someone who “bought into” the filmmaker’s claim that CHAOS acts as some sort of cautionary tale, I feel the need to respond.

    First off, if you read my review, I very clearly state that I was “almost convinced” at the film’s claim that it was cautionary tale. That’s not the same thing as being wholly convinced. I actually think my review was more of a cautionary tale than the film was. Having said that, I can’t imagine a woman or somebody’s parents watching this and not being completely freaked out if she ever found herself in the woods alone.

    After my review ran, I did find myself being something of an apologist for the film, a fact Roger Ebert even pointed out in his extremely well-written, zero-star review of CHAOS. The film had one very simple goal: to upset and disgust the viewer. And on that level, it succeeds. I’ll confess, I never had much exposure to “torture porn” films growing up, so I watched CHAOS completed unprepared for the level of degradation these characters enter into. The film moved me in all the wrong ways, but it did move me. The fact that it may or may not be a rip off of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (of course it is) doesn’t really change that.

    What strikes me as particularly funny about Vern’s write-up is that despite his opening statement

    about never wanting anyone to see this film, he makes a strong case to see it by writing and analyzing so extensively what he categorizes as a terrible movie. I had no intention of buying or even renting this DVD (even though apparently I’m mentioned in the extras), but after reading about all of these insane documentaries, I have to see it.

    Vern’s comments about Sage Stallone’s relationship to this film are dead on. He mentioned a very tense panel discussion on CHAOS at a horror film convention, and that’s exactly how I would qualify it. I was moderating that panel, so image how fucked up it was trying to keep Sage (who showed up late to the panel, by the way) and the filmmakers from ripping each other’s heads off. I spent a great deal of that weekend in Chicago (during the annual Flashback Weekend Convention) talking with both Sage and CHAOS director David DeFalco about the film and many other things, and it was one of the most bizarre conventions I’ve ever been a part of.

    If it’s possible to like a film but still not recommend that anybody else see it, that’s how I feel about CHAOS. The potential for losing faith in humanity is too great if you watch this movie. The fact that we’re talking about CHAOS this much is probably unnecessary, but I’ll admit, I can’t wait to see what DeFalco steals, borrows, or dreams up next. –Capone

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 5:38 p.m. CST

    I can’t wait

    by AshleyMonday

    for this horrid piece of crap so I can not go see it.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Hey Vern

    by blackwood

    *applause*

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 6:50 p.m. CST

    I saw Shaggydog…

    by Womb2dooM

    …with Tim Allen and it had text at the beginning that offered this movie as a service for if ever you, or someone you loved, turned into a shaggy dog. I beileve a similar text appeared before the Santa Claus. Let us also spare a thought for those patrons whom after seeing The Rock, failed to heed it’s warnings and went to Alcatraz Island with 16 rockets containing VX posion gas and were shot by Sean Connery. One minutes silence with not posts if you please……………………………………………………………………………………

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by readingwriter

    Understood about Virgin Spring, and my last mention of that will be it would have made for a truly great review (and would have fit in with your larger points about “gore porn”) if you had put VS into the mix. If this movie is the bottom of the barrel, compare it with Last House, which was considered the bottom of the barrel in its day, with VS, considered an art film classic. VS offers an illustration of the revenge-seeking parent killing someone who might not deserve it–how does that compare to the less arty movies’ “cautionary” angles? I just think it was a missed opportunity, since these movies birthed each other and are very different from each other. I cna imagine some fan of horror films writing a piece like yours about Last House back in its day–while I think it still has something of the gutter about it now, it’s an old movie, and has lost some of the impact it once had. Also, your mention of there being no score is interesting. I love film music but having no music can be powerful in a horror flick–a lot of horror flicks use music to cover their ridiculous scenarios. The very best horror flicks–Session 9, Psycho, The Shining, Alien–COULD hold up without music, but their scores add something that otherwise wouldn’t be there. I can’t imagine some of the horror garbage of the last two decades without scores helping them along. I think the audiences would be laughing at most of them.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:06 p.m. CST

    For me…

    by Drworm2002

    Jeepers Creepers was teh worst movie I ahve ever seen. I don’t want to see this, so i can still say that “Jeepers Creepers was the worst movie I ahve ever seen.”

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Vern thinks.

    by Dollar Bird

    Vern: Thanks for that. I love your longer reviews because they have more laffs and also tend to be significantly more contemplative than other reviews on this site. (e.g., your review/recommendation of “The Boondocks”) I wish there was more of that high-thinkin’ on AICN. And it’s especially nice when it causes interesting discussion on the TBs beyond “New Megatron is ugly.” (Though he is.) [Sadly, I am not a fan or hater of goreporn, so I can’t make one of those heady comments. But I am a fan of Vern and had to testify.]

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:40 p.m. CST

    to Capone

    by Vern

    You’re right Capone, sorry to mis-characterize your review there. Maybe I should’ve said that you “almost bought into” the cautionary tale thing. I liked your review and didn’t mean to give you a bad name or anything, you must have enough trouble as it is trying to make up for everything that Al Capone prick did in your name. Anyway thanks for the clarification and further details. I’m glad you survived that panel. I read about it on some horror web sight and the guy said it was the most uncomfortable panel discussion he’d ever seen. I mean I don’t know how many uncomfortable panels he’d seen but I can imagine this would be high up on anybody’s list. thanks again, Capone.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:42 p.m. CST

    Readingwriter

    by Vern

    That’s a good point, that would be interesting. Unfortunately I haven’t seen Virgin Spring, I just know of it because of Last House. But you’re right, that would be interesting, and I ought to see that movie anyway. So I’ll see it some time soon and review it and probaly compare it to the other two. thanks bud.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 8:52 p.m. CST

    I’ll say it again.

    by jollysleeve

    AICN’s new search engine is fucking useless. All this talk of Vern got me thinking of some of his previous reviews. I thought I’d read a couple of the classics, but I’ll be goddamned if I can figure out how to get the search engine to cough up less than a zillion results at a time. Really. Type in more than one word into that friggin’ thing and you’ll be lucky to get less than a thousand results. Quotes don’t seem to matter. There’s no “refine” option……. I also like how you can specify the date range. That really helps, thanks. Because that’s how I remember these articles. Not by words, reviewer name, movie titles or subject matter–but the numerical dates on which they were posted. That’s how my brain works. Maybe you could improve the search engine further by having it ask the searcher if the article they’re looking for has an odd or even number of vowels in it.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:01 p.m. CST

    Thanks Vern, for saving me from this piece of shit.

    by Billyeveryteen

    And put me into the “Porn-Torture” camp.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:05 p.m. CST

    Thanks Vern. I will use this information to save life.

    by Laserbrain

    90 minutes or so of my own.

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Check the youtube link posted above-

    by Laserbrain

    “”I am the Lord Humongous…director of the most brutal film of all time… give up the fuel and I will spare you lives….”

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 10:56 p.m. CST

    i agree about the goddamned engine!!!

    by occula

    is there some fucking secret handshake to get the thing to actually find the one single review i might want to read? otherwise, i could care less about this movie, but i will still read every word vern writes!

  • Aug. 27, 2006, 11:44 p.m. CST

    Give Vern the goddamn black box already.

    by Gilkuliehe

    The man has earned it, damnit.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 1:10 a.m. CST

    Yeah, give Vern the black box…

    by ScarranHalfBreed

    How many reviews has a guy got to write to get one, fer Chrissakes? He’s the most entertaining reviewer on this site and has regular contributions. HARRY – ARE YOU LISTENING??

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 1:28 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave V.S. Vern

    by Demon Dave

    Firstly, where the fuck do you get off going on a tirade accusing us of ripping off “Last House On the Left”? That movie is almost forty years old and isn’t an original story anyway. Maybe, you should watch the fuckin’ extra on the DVD where Wes Craven admits he took the story from “The Virgin Spring”. My original intent was to do an homage to “Last House”. If I was going to rip it off, do you think I would have hired Marc Sheffler to co-produce it? You have the balls to write a novel of a review without even getting your facts straight. Like the one about Sage Stallone wanting to quit when David Hess got fired. Bernheim fired Hess and yes, ME and Sage were very upset about it. But, never did Sage once try to get out of doing the movie. He loves sick, brutal movies and he loved being in Chaos. So, you really should get your facts straight before you go shooting off your mouth. Which leads me to the next problem. In your review you refer to me as a dipshit and a chump and you go on to make fun of what I said in the coroner’s crypt. And that is where I draw the line, pal. You’re a fuckin’ critic and are entitled to your opinion about the fuckin’ movie but that’s where it ends. You are not going to talk shit and make fun of me and get away with it. Why don’t you get into the ring and do it to my face? The thing I hate the most about the internet is that a pussy like you can talk shit about a guy like me and not have to answer to it. I dare you to do it to my face, Vern. In fact, if you can survive in the ring for more that 60 seconds with me, I will never direct another movie again. If you can’t, then you can stick the review up your ass. What do you say, Vern? Why don’t you show everyone that you’re not another pencil pushing wimp and you can back up your big mouth. Now let’s see if you got the balls to reply.

    David “the Demon” DeFalco (director of CHAOS)

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 1:28 a.m. CST

    heres some info on the panel

    by BitterMan23

    http://rottenzombie.com/archive/reviews/fbwchaos.htm

    LOL, good stuff.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:21 a.m. CST

    Actually, DemonDave…

    by drew mcweeny

    … you’re ripping off Uwe Boll’s “meet me in the ring because I want to beat up a movie critic who made fun of me” shtick now. Is there anything you do that’s original?

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:22 a.m. CST

    I hope that threat is real…

    by Nine18Pictures

    …because I want in on the action. I had to sit through that piece of horsecock that is The Backlot Murders, and I swore then that if I had a chance, I would engage in a knife fight with the “director.” Now that I know he’s a closet nancy who wear tights and sports monster contact lenses, I KNOW I must do battle.

    “You know what I’m capable of!!” LOLOLOL

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:29 a.m. CST

    So…

    by jollysleeve

    I guess if Vern got in the ring with Demon Dave and couldn’t “survive” in a cage match that would somehow disprove his opinions on the movie? What are you, Uwe Boll?…… And thus dies any vague hopes that what was presented through the movie and DVD extras was some kind of tongue-in-cheek, subversive Andy Kaufmanesque put-on.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:35 a.m. CST

    By The Way…

    by drew mcweeny

    … I can verify that it was indeed David “The Demon” DeFalco that posted the above talkback challenge. Sad, ain’t it?

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:45 a.m. CST

    DemonDave is a dipshit

    by Tunza

    Boo fucking hoo, so yet another critic didn’t like your bullshit movie. You gonna fight them all? And me too? Grow a fucking sense of humour, bitch.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:46 a.m. CST

    that is where I draw the line

    by Thunder Mammoth

    this is too freakin funny! — “In your review you refer to me as a dipshit and a chump and you go on to make fun of what I said in the coroner’s crypt. And that is where I draw the line, pal.” – wow, vern… and to think, growing up with a budding interest in film has led to this?!? i can’t stop laughing.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:57 a.m. CST

    The Coroner’s Crypt!!

    by Nine18Pictures

    HAHAHA! That is hilarious. “In your review you refer to me as a dipshit and a chump and you go on to make fun of what I said in the coroner’s crypt.” Hey, Spooky, you should start making wrestling comedies! That could be THE line of the trailer! You could make a rip-off of No Holds Barred, with yourself as Zeus! Why not, you got the banana hammock for it! Perhaps you could add a bit about being born of REAL DEMON DNA! Which would explain the 10 dollar contact lenses! Congrats, DeFalco, for I have a hunch you and your above retort will be the newest running AICN joke. See you in the Coroner’s Crypt!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:16 a.m. CST

    If “piling on” is the order of the day in H’wood,

    by Julius Dithers

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:20 a.m. CST

    Hey Demon Dave…

    by Messiahman

    Why don’t you do us all a favor and skip the whole “facing off against Vern in the ring” bit and skip straight to never making another movie again. You’re nothing but an lame plagiarist hack with a penchant for steroids and an empty spot where your brain should be. Carp all you want about Craven paying homage to Bergman’s VIRGIN SPRING — that’s quite a different animal than blatantly stealing from someone else’s work, which is exactly what you did, almost note for note. Newsflash, Dave – you’re not the next coming of horror. You’re just a no-talent, musclebound retard who’s too stupid to realize what a joke you are. Now why don’t you go back to doing what you do best; namely, admiring yourself in the mirror at Bally’s and wishing you could find your dick.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:21 a.m. CST

    If “piling on” is the order of the day in H’wood,

    by Julius Dithers

    Defalco, you’re about to be buried under an avalanche of invective and vitriol in this talkback. Which you’d deserve. Too bad it’d just give you more publicity than you deserve. Moron.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:35 a.m. CST

    “NY-ARGH! DeFalco Smash!”

    by Kasch

    “Firstly, where the fuck do you get off going on a tirade accusing us of ripping off Last House On the Left?”

    Er…maybe he did it because it’s a SCENE-FOR-SCENE copy? Hell, Craven’s film is at least somewhat different from Virgin Spring. Don’t copy another screenplay and get all surprised when people call you on it.

    You also shouldn’t be surprised when you put on some cheesy “I’m a Demon” wrestler shtick and act all shocked when people call you a douche. Make your movies, stop the poser bullshit, and learn to accept criticism. Shouting “I could kick yer ass” only completes your failure.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:15 a.m. CST

    And by the way, it’s official…

    by Messiahman

    This guy will now and forever be known as David “The Dipshit” DeFalco.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:16 a.m. CST

    I guess

    by DonnieDorko

    If “Demon Dave” would kill Vern, it would make the movie better and smarter? Great review though but I do feel I have to DL this turd after the idiot posted here. Maybe I can fastforward thrue it and get some laughs then I will Warn everyone I know not to pay any money for this movie. “I MADE MOVIE AGAINST VIOLENCE! YOU DON’T GET IT!? I KILL YOU MORONS! AAAAARGGH!”

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:27 a.m. CST

    The Coroner’s Crypt?

    by awe4one

    Based on the “inventiveness” of the movie “rape” makes you wonder what really goes on with Dave and his buddy in the “Crypt”?

    Great review Vern!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:05 a.m. CST

    FUCK POKEMON DAVE

    by meta4

    Fuck that guy, seriously vern just tear the little bitches head off and piss down his throat for creating “Last House On The Left 2: Trapped In The Closet”….Since the dudes an obvious hack movie stealer he probably photoshopped the face off a wrestler and put his face in place of it….fuck pokemon dave

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 10:11 a.m. CST

    Trash the movies, not the extra features?

    by BitterMan23

    I guess thats the REAL lesson we have learned from this film. its an after school special for film students, not idiotic teenaged girls. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must write a letter of apology to the guy who created “storyboard comparisons”.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 10:19 a.m. CST

    I would totally watch that movie

    by BankyFan

    Where a young Ain’t It Cool Reporter is trained by Steven Seagal to fight the shit out of some awful director.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 10:32 a.m. CST

    Hey David THE DIPSHIT DeFalco.

    by Gilkuliehe

    Listen to me, pal. You don’t come to OUR house and pull that Hulk Hogan Neanderthal I-can’t-have-an-argument-so-I’ll-put-up-a-fight crap. Who the fuck do you think you are, sir? Not only do you make a crappy as crap piece of crap movie, but you have the nerv to come here and threaten our beloved Vern? I really mean this: FUCK YOU. I can’t believe how mad I am at this poor excuse of a human being. I’m really sorry your dad had a boner that day he decided to bang your mom. Seriously, couldn’t the guy wear a rubber? That’s it mister Dipshit, a geek on the Internet has just wished your father wore a condom the day he had sexual intercourse with your mother, resulting on your highly unevolved existence. Now go kill yourself. Dipshit.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 10:41 a.m. CST

    Wow.

    by Avenger534

    That’s all I can say. First the review, then the talkback. Sooooo glad I checked this post. Only at AICN, folks…

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Vern: Ain’t this some shit?

    by FatPaul

    Great review, Vern. Some of your best work. I’m really looking forward to your review of Virgin Spring, which is one of my favorite Bergman films. Now, as far as this Demon Dave thing, I have to throw in my vote for “tear the little bitches head off and piss down his throat.” Now, I know you’re a man of peace, Vern, but the guy’s just asking to get a chunk bit off his face. Anyway, I’m looking forward to whatever your response is going to be, and if you ever do put together a book of all the shit you get into in talkbacks, this is definitely some prime material.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:13 a.m. CST

    According to imdb:

    by DonnieDorko

    Also Known As:

    The House in the Middle of Nowhere (USA) (working title)

    LOL…. Why not “The last House to the Left of Nowhere”?

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:34 a.m. CST

    What wrestling promotion has this guy worked for?

    by vikingkitty

    I’m curious about his work in the ring.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:43 a.m. CST

    Great Review Vern

    by SnowMann

    Once again you prove you are the best contributor to this site and as far as I’m concerned the best film critic on the internet. I wonder if “Demon Dave” realizes he just added to the credibility of your review or not? Must be new to this whole internet thing…

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:43 a.m. CST

    “And that is where I draw the line, pal.”

    by vikingkitty

    Sure, you can say a movie is a blatant rip-off of better films. You can state the director has no talent, and should be sterilized for the good of the species. But don’t dare mock a man who walks around in a government facility (shirtless and wearing a chain, mind you) talking about the demon’s playground and discussing how he has just made the most brutal film of all time. At that point, you’ve crossed the line.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Hommage, ripoff, methinks

    by elric300

    Allow me to post a link to the following image, easily found on the CHAOS page at the IMDB:

    http://ia.imdb.com/media/imdb/01/I/39/58/19f.jpg

    Here’s the first sentence from Variety’s review, in case anyone thinks Vern got it wrong:

    “A virtual photocopy of Wes Craven’s “Last House on the Left” for the techno generation, “Chaos”

    The rest is at Variety’s site.

    Who are YOU, Mr. DeFalco to think that your antics are actually going to win you anything but derision from horror fans? Most of us can smell B.S. coming from a mile away. We put up with it when it’s harmless ballyhoo and it’s all in good fun. But when it’s steroid addled “machismo”, when it’s some half arsed attempt to cover up for one’s own current inadaquencies as a filmmaker…then you have no one to blame but your own self when horror fans lay some verbal smackdown upon you. Your reactions are very unprofessional and not really indicative of someone with an interest in advancing a career in film. Last I checked, deals weren’t brokered with a ring match, so I hope you find yourself a good agent with better communication skills then you seem to possess.

    Vern,that was one of the best reviews/commentary I have ever had the pleasure to read. You are a gentlemen and a scholar,Sir, and if I should ever be able to meet with you in person one day, I shall be honoured to buy you a drink and a toast.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:49 a.m. CST

    How many careers have been ended by this one review?

    by vikingkitty

    Demon Dave will be put out of his misery as a mercy killing. This coroner (Cormier) will be lucky if he’s allowed to sweep the floors of the coroner’s office after word of this embarrasing fiasco gets more publicity (I can’t imagine the L.A. County Coroner’s Office gave permission for this filming inside their facility; I suspect Cormier probably made this executive decision on his own). I’ll assume no one in the picture will ever work in any legitimate capacity; am I missing anyone?

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 12:50 p.m. CST

    “He’s laughing! because he’s EVIL.”

    by El Scorcho

    Thanks Vern. And to DEMON DIPSHIT DAVE. FUCK YOU. You claim you’ve made a movie against violence and then you physically threaten an internet reviewer just because he (successfully) tore you a new one? I feel sorry for you because it’s obvious that all you have going for ya is brute strength which clearly tops off small genitalia. I hear that being a gorilla trainer pays well. Plus, you get to live with the gorillas, challenge them to fights any hour of the day, and eat shit out of your chest hair. Sounds like a good match for you. Have a nice one dipshit.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 1:29 p.m. CST

    Let’s not forget Bernheim. He sucks too!

    by Kasch

    OK, by now everyone realizes that DeFalco’s head is full of bricks. But let’s not forget producer Stephen Jay Bernheim. He’s every bit as responsible for this lousy piece of shit, and when you see the two men together, it’s almost as if DeFalco’s his bitch.

    There’s a reason these two men are joined at the hip: Bernheim articulates the kind of excusitory bullshit that DeFalco is too dumb to dish out. Do you think “The Demon” wrote that letter to Ebert? Nope. (I dunno if the guy could actually write.)

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 1:35 p.m. CST

    to Dave

    by Vern

    Dear Dave, I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your wrestling challenge that would have proven that CHAOS is not a ripoff of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. I think I have to wash my hair that day or something. Seriously bud, welcome to the talkbacks and thanks for your response. That was actually a good move challenging me to wrestle. Moriarty says it’s a remake of Uwe Bolle’s boxing challenge, but I think both have their roots in folklore and legends. Anyway, I can’t say I’m interested in getting beat up by a muscleman (even if I get a good nose bite in or something). It would set a precedent where all critics now have to wrestle somebody every time they write a harsh review. I don’t want to see Michael Bay suplexing Roger Ebert knowing it’s my fault. So I gotta turn you down like you knew I would and shave some points off my precious tough guy reputation, as well as crush the illusions of any readers who for some reason assumed I was good at wrestling. So you got me bud, touche. Now I wish you would apply some of that cunning to your movies. Speaking of which, let me respond to your non-wrestling related points. First of all, come on bud. I’m not retarded. Am I supposed to believe that you actually based CHAOS on a Swedish folk tale, and coincidentally it came out exactly like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT but with different rapes and a corny ending? OF COURSE it’s based on LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT. If you had said that from the beginning you wouldn’t have had such a harsh reaction I don’t think. As you said, Wes Craven openly talks about LAST HOUSE being based on VIRGIN SPRING. And maybe somebody here could verify but I’m betting it’s not a scene-for-scene remake. If you honestly just intended CHAOS as an homage and somehow don’t realize how closely you copied your inspiration, maybe you could explain how you go through the entire commentary and those extra features without even once mentioning LAST HOUSE or Craven? Was it just a brain fart like when whatsername forgot to thank her husband at the oscars? As for me getting the facts wrong, if that’s true then I sincerely apologize. The thing about Sage Stallone quitting came from IMDb and from the letter that Ebert published about you threatening the audience at a screening. Since you make fun of Stallone on the commentary (claiming that he was rejected from ROCKY BALBOA and therefore “available”) and apparently at the panel in Chicago (where you chanted “Adrian!” as he came to the stage) I believed those sources. But you were there, I just read about it so if the public record is wrong, by all means, set the record straight. I tried to be accurate (I really did contact the LA County Coroner’s Office) and if I got anything wrong then I apologize. Also, as far as me calling you a chump and a dipshit – fair enough. I made these judgments based on your various defenses of the movie, and honestly I was talking more about Bernheim than you. (I hope that doesn’t set me up for a bass fishing or crossword puzzle challenge or something.) But it’s true, I don’t know you personally. Although you just challenged me to a fight over the internet, I’m open to the idea that you’re a cool guy and I was too harsh. The truth is, I don’t want to stop you from directing. I just think you need some brains in your movies to go with the brawn. I guess since I turned down your crazy challenge I haven’t earned the right to offer you one. But that’s what it would be: make an original movie. The minimalism, the rawness, the seriousness, the lack of a score – those are all good things about CHAOS. The casting wasn’t too bad either. I’ve seen alot of DTV shit and I don’t agree with Bloody Disgusting that CHAOS is “one of the worst films in the history of cinema.” It’s just that it exactly copies a movie we’ve all seen but takes out the intelligence, leaving empty shock value. Meanwhile, that coroner’s office extra is fucking INSANE, I liked it better than the movie. If you applied that kind of creativity and madness to a movie you might have something. If you ever make a movie I really like and THEN do crazy shit like standing among dead bodies flexing your muscles and calling out Roger Ebert, you will be my fucking hero. I really mean that.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Vern…

    by El Scorcho

    You have just made me shed tears of joy. God bless you.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:18 p.m. CST

    Demon Dave: Time to respond, man.

    by FatPaul

    Yes, Dave, it’s your turn at bat. Vern was a little nicer than I would have been, but, ultimately, he’s probably right. Come on, Dave. Talk about wrestling some more. On another topic, I’m probably going to rent this movie anyway. I’m a glutton for punishment when it comes to bad horror movies.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:29 p.m. CST

    That’s CLASS, Vern.

    by Gilkuliehe

    David THE DIPSHIT DeFalco: Have you seen the fucking poster for your movie? I think that picture alone makes you Vern’s bitch. Challenge me to a fight now, please.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:31 p.m. CST

    (And BTW)

    by Gilkuliehe

    Greatest.

    Talkback.

    Ever.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:41 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by readingwriter

    You’re welcome. Based on your expressed opinions I think you will enjoy that movie I promised not to mention anymore. :) You’re handling this “challenge” perfectly. Hey, director dude, if you want to prove yourself a good moviemaker, how about making a good movie instead of manufacturing silly publicity stunts? I know, I know, and old idea, but you seem to use a lot of those.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:45 p.m. CST

    Didn’t Vern do time?

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Careful Demon Dave, he’ll shank your ass when you are least expecting it… If I dreamed the jail part, then forget that last gag, and replace it in your mind with something funny… Also, Demon, Ol’ Pal, I think you should chat to the writer of ‘The Core’, who came in to a TB to defend himself from the ridicule his ‘science based script’ had wrought… Instead of demanding a rasslin’ match, he offered people their money back if they bought a ticket and didn’t like it. Maybe you could offer to come around and cut wreslting standard promos, minus your shirt of course, for anyone who buys the movie and hates it. Much more original… Also, when I hear demon dave, I think of a balding Lee Roth going boobadeboadeebop!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:48 p.m. CST

    And no, Last House is not a scene by scene remake

    by readingwriter

    They even knew how to rip things off better in the 70’s. I can’t believe I’m defending a Wes Craven movie because I don’t like his movies, but what he did was translate the Bergman film into a new genre–the slasher film. Bergman’s is beautifully shot and intense in terms of its depiction of a man in a situation all three films depict, but Last House emphasized aspects of the story Bergman did not. Whatever I think of the result, it is a DIFFERENT take, sort of like Polanski’s brutal version of Macbeth–whether I personally liked it isn’t the issue, it’s that both directors took an established work and did something DIFFERENT with it. Making a knife kill flick based on another knife kill flick is a completely different deal.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Yo Demon Dave

    by readingwriter

    How do you define “homage” as compared to a ripoff? If someone DID rip off Last House, how would it be any different than what you did?

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:35 p.m. CST

    Vern…

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Let me shake your virtual hand. Well said, sir!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:42 p.m. CST

    DemonDave – I’ll get in the ring for 60 seconds…

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    …for $10 million. Now put your money where your mouth is chump.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:44 p.m. CST

    more horrific than anything in his film…

    by Mr_ant

    the image of Dave “The Demon” Defalco angrily two finger typing threats into his little imac is now burnt into my retina. It’s just too funny.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:56 p.m. CST

    This trend seems to be picking up steam.

    by Bubba Gillman

    I just read that Wernor Herzog has challenged a bear to a wrestling match because the bear criticized the “humanist slant” of “Grizzly Man.”

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 3:56 p.m. CST

    I live in Los Angeles…

    by -guyinthebackrow

    and I was afraid of a violent death even before I read this review and subsequent talkback… but now I not only fear a violent death, but I am horrified that the coroner that does my autospy will be a psychotic reject from an episode of “Millenium”. And to Demon Dipshit Dave… what do you call the cocktail of crank and steroids that you’ve been injecting? I really want to know. Is it “Croids”? “Speed-oids”? “Oh-Jesus-my-balls-have-shrunk-to-the-size-of-grapes-but-it-feels-so-goods”? I think I would prefer “Croids”.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:03 p.m. CST

    by Stupid Alias

    Brush, rinse, repeat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGGhZUI6DbE

    Seriously, watch that fucking clip again. We don’t have to ridicule this guy — he does it himself, willingly, on his own DVD no less! Just fucking LOOK AT HIM! Bwahahahaha!!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:17 p.m. CST

    that is ridiculous

    by SnowMann

    dipshit and chump sums that clip up pretty well actually.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:18 p.m. CST

    BWA HA HA HA!!

    by Gilkuliehe

    And I thought that was Vern being funny! But he was actually describing what the Dipshit was doing! I’ll wrestle this asshole, Vern, tell him I accept on your behalf. (Come on, tell me you don’t feel like kicking his fucking mongoloid ass)

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:40 p.m. CST

    DemonDave, you idiot

    by ZeroC

    First of all, challenging anyone to a fight over the internet is pretty dumb, and I think you know that. Secondly, do you really think it’s fair challenging him to something that you’re a professional at and do for a living? That would be like Vern challenging you to a review writing contest. I say you both pick a middle-ground competition, like tennis or something.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 4:41 p.m. CST

    *sigh*

    by jollysleeve

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Vern is absolutely my favorite contributor at AICN. If I were a 12-year-old school girl, right about now I’d by making a little doodle of Vern’s name inside a heart. But since I’m neither 12-years-old nor a girl, that last sentence was just really unnecessary and creepy. Ah, well. Par for the fucking course.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:05 p.m. CST

    Has anyone yet mentioned…

    by Cash Bailey

    …that LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT is a fucking worthless piece of shit? Because it is.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:07 p.m. CST

    CHAOS

    by SJ Bernheim

    Vern – My name’s Steven Jay Bernheim, producer of CHAOS. And I have to say, I enjoyed your review more than any other review of the film I’ve read. I laughed out loud – howled, really – about a half-dozen times. You’ve got a hell of a talent for comedic writing, and while of course I don’t agree with all of your substantive points, I can’t argue with your style. Perhaps if I didn’t live in an “alternate universe” and weren’t a complete moron, we could meet and perhaps get along well, as I think I may share your sensibilities – or at least your sense of humor.

    Best, and congratulations on a really well-written review.

    Steven Jay Bernheim

    Producer

    CHAOS

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:25 p.m. CST

    Now we’ve got the left testacle invading this talkback.

    by El Scorcho

    Bernheim, please stop making shitty movies and control your other half, Mr. Hyde if you will. Tell him to stop making threats to poor internet film reviewers, and go back to fucking each other in the ass. Oh, and isn’t it poor taste to film a DVD extra in a coroner’s office? It’s not cool you fuckhead, it’s retarded.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:28 p.m. CST

    thank you, baby jesus! thank you, tom cruise!

    by occula

    well, if this isn’t substantiative proof that the talkback is a tool for good, not evil, then i don’t know what. vern – we’ve got your back. bernheim – you’re the first producer i’ve ever seen (and i’ve worked with plenty) actually say something nice to a critic. you oughta ditch that douchebag and make something for all the rabids here on this website. unless, of course, you were kidding, in which case get ready for some serious flaming. ps – bring on the black box!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:29 p.m. CST

    I don’t want to sound like a queer or nuthin…

    by Total Fag

    but i think Depeche Mode is a sweet band.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Steven

    by Vern

    Now THAT was class. I raked Steven over the coals way harder than I did The Demon (and subsequently dissed him again in my respone to the Demon), but this guy just patted me on the back for my review. That is a surprise sneak attack psyche-out move right there. Either that or it’s like the good Lord said, “turn the other cheek and say ‘nice try bitch, now let’s see how you do on this cheek’ (paraphrase). Anyway thanks for that, it proves we can all get along. I’m looking in your direction, Israel and Lebanon.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:31 p.m. CST

    to Cash Bailey

    by Vern

    I think you could make a legitimate argument for that. So let’s hear it, bud.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:34 p.m. CST

    SJ Bernham presents – Vern : An Underdog’s Journey…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Directed by Demon Dave, starring Steven Seagal and Eddie Griffin and guest staring Jorge Garcia as Harry…

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:41 p.m. CST

    Can Mori prove that was really Bernheim?

    by BitterMan23

    Thanks

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:48 p.m. CST

    Things for the fanny pack…

    by Blue_Demon

    “Red contacts? Check. Scrunchy for my topknot? Check. Ambiguously Gay Wrestling Garb? Check. Chain for my neck ( remake of Sid Vicious’ fashion statement…wait…homage ) Check. Tiny bottle of baby oil to rub on myself in case I have to walk into a room full of dead dudes? Check.” Dave “The Dimwit” DeFucko…you win…you are the funniest guy on the PLANET.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:48 p.m. CST

    Thanks Vern, for sayin’ what needed to be said…

    by R0BTRAIN

    It’s still real to me damnit!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 5:54 p.m. CST

    Demon Dave, I’m calling you out

    by JuggFuckler

    My name is Jason “Juggfuckler” Stevens. I think that you are a pussy, a shitty director, and a shitty human being. Your mother is a whore and your father is a closet homosexual. I am now calling you out the way that you called out Vern. What do you say? One minute in the ring with the JuggFuckler. You don’t even have to quit directing (you have already effectively destroyed your “career” all by yourself). I just want the privilege of kicking the shit out of a no-talent plagiarist. Come on Dave, let

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:05 p.m. CST

    So… when Kevin Smith does it….

    by GuyLombardo

    it passes as funny or cool. Perhaps it’s because he is fat and bald. But when Demon defends his movie (even if it is with physical violence) everyone thinks he’s dumb for doing so.

    The guy made a movie and has every right to call someone out who talks shit about him or it. I hope he kicks Vern’s asshole open and uses it as plant pot for something that grows crooked.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:10 p.m. CST

    Alright Demon Dave

    by El_Aurens

    See what you did? Now you have to fight JuggFuclker! I don

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:12 p.m. CST

    Oh, and for the record

    by El_Aurens

    it isn’t cool when Kevin Smith does it either. After his wife refuses to have sex with him, he just doesn’t have anything else to do.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Just my opinion, man.

    by Cash Bailey

    Badly made, ugly and pointless. No matter how much high-faluting ‘Nam symbolism you choose to associate with it. Also, am I the only one who, while reading DeFalco’s TB rant, couldn’t help but imagine “Mean” Gene Oakerland standing next to him with a microphone?

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:15 p.m. CST

    Yup, really me

    by SJ Bernheim

    It is really me. And yeah, I’m sincere. Vern did a great job skewering us, with wit and aplomb. And no apologies needed as far as the attacks – when you put something out like CHAOS, and take the positions we take (no pun intended), ya gotta expect some heat. I’ve been called, moron, douchebag, cretin, retard, mental case, hack, talentless hack, fuckin’ hack, asshole, imbecile, imbecil (misspelled). . . and that’s just what I can remember off the top of my head. I don’t mind – I’m just glad my mom can’t doesn’t use internet.

    I also can tell you that while Dave and I have been friends, and filmmaking partners, for nearly a decade, Dave is definitely his own person and does what he wants, when he wants to. Dave chooses to present himself in a certain “fashion” – yes, sometimes in wrestling tights and sometimes wearing $10 contacts – and ya know, that’s his right. Early on in our friendship, I made a few suggestions about his appearance, at least at meetings, etc. (he actually had a completely different look back the, more of a “big hair rocker” look), and he correctly put me in my place, saying – in simpler terms perhaps – he has a right to create his own image and identity. He’s correct, dontcha think?

    As far as the coroner’s crypt goes, it certainly is wacky and therefore, entertaining, and it certainly is in bad taste. Very bad taste.

    And yes, we definitely had permission to film, from the department chief.

    If you have any other questions, I’d be happy to answer them to the best of my ability (maybe).

    Ciao

    SJ Bernheim

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:19 p.m. CST

    You have done been called out Demon Dave

    by JimBelushi

    How tough are you now? Maybe JuggFuckler can be persuaded to take on you and Uwe Boll at the same time. That would be kickass. Juggs kicking the shit out of your punk ass with Uwe Boll standing in the corner crying(masturbating?). Not so tough now are you? Way to back down to a real challenge. Why don’t you go back to beating up little kids in your karate class if that is the only thing that can make your feeble little dick hard. You can call out Vern but you can’t answer when someone calls you out. You fucking punk. You little bitch.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:30 p.m. CST

    Best. Talkback. Evar.

    by Billyeveryteen

    Vern, quit pussyfooting around, and call these douchebags out.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Slowly, a vague mental picture forms…

    by jollysleeve

    …concerning the dynamic of the Bernheim/DeFalco friendship. I’m starting to get an “Of Mice and Men” vibe here.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:45 p.m. CST

    Best talkback ever

    by AshleyMonday

    We got Bernheim and The Demon to come out of the figurative closet. Vern, you are what Harry was ten years ago, a film geek with clout and sincerity. My hope is that when Harry gives up the racket, you step up to run this hamburger stand. Here’s to this talkback not dying until this DVD comes out! Cheers!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Demon Dave= Douche Bag

    by muscelyarm

    I mean how little dick can you be? Calling someone out on the internet? And then being too much of a queer to answer when JuggFuckler calls you out? Demon Dave you are a wate of fucking space. Vern you hit the nail on the head this time. Don’t feel bad about answering Douchebag Dave’s “call” when he is too chicken to answer Juggfuckler’s call.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Steven, I do have some questions

    by Vern

    Seriously man, I don’t want to break the peace here, but what is the deal with CHAOS being so much like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT? I read many accounts of you supposedly saying that they were not very similar, that you didn’t like LAST HOUSE, etc. And it definitely seems like you went out of your way to not mention LAST HOUSE on the commentary. But clearly nobody in the entire world other than you and Dave are buying that tale. Even the very few positive reviews I’ve read (including Capone’s) say that it’s either a remake or a ripoff. And as people have pointed out you even at one point used the “it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie” tagline (which I’m pretty sure was not in the Swedish folk tale). And obviously you’re gonna piss off fans of LAST HOUSE or even VIRGIN SPRING when your credits say “based on an original idea” by you two. Speaking for myself, I don’t think I would’ve had such a harsh reaction to the movie if you guys didn’t seem so full of it to me in your two claims 1) that it’s not that similar to LAST HOUSE and 2) that it’s intended as an educational tool. So my question is, what is the deal? Do you really believe those two things, or is it just some ol’ Barnum and Bailey shit to sell the movie? Also, I was wondering if you have considered shooting behind the scenes footage for the next Dave the Demon movie, because that could be some good shit in my opinion. You might even be able to do a feature length documentary between Dave and Mr. Cormier there. I guarantee I would watch that.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:02 p.m. CST

    do I have to pull this talkback over?

    by Vern

    I’m sure Dave will respond eventually. He probaly has other things to do. I know he probaly needs time to lift weights and research serial killers, to name just two legitimate reasons to be away from the computer. I don’t think everybody needs to be calling him a fag. I appreciate everybody standing up for me like I was a little sissy, but let’s silence the violence everybody. If you can point to any historical evidence of Jesus or Martin Luther King challenging somebody to a wrestling match, then I will change my stance on this. But until then give peace a chance. Have we learned nothing from CHAOS? Be safe.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:05 p.m. CST

    A message to Bernheim

    by Kasch

    Since you responded in a civil manner, I figured I’d say something constructive: We’ve all mocked you and DeFalco and your movie, but in all honesty, it’s not out of personal hatred or offense. It’s just to give you both a wake up call. Yes, to be blunt, we think that your work sucks. That doesn’t mean artists don’t grow and mature. I sincerely hope your next project brings more to the table and (all plagiarism aside) that you and DeFalco realize your folly when it came to your attempts to drum up controversy. In the future, make your films, state your goals, and leave the hyberbole and exhibitionist shtick out of it. The fans will decide whether or not you’re making “the most brutal movie ever made.” And, please, pick a side – “shocker” or “cautionary” movie. You can’t have it both ways. DeFalco might very well make a good movie some day, but he’ll only be taken seriously if he stops the laughable “demon” wrestler bullshit and acts like a filmmaker. If he’s smart, he’ll listen to you and all of us. If he’s not, then we’ll continue to have our laughs at his expense.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:16 p.m. CST

    SJ Bernheim

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    Are you actually friends with Dave Defalco? He seems like a real jerk. Anyone who has to create a pseudo persona has got to have self esteem issues. It

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:18 p.m. CST

    Kasch

    by AshleyMonday

    Agreed….just like the creative void between “House of a 1000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Reject’s”. I hated “House” and wasn’t looking forward to “Rejects”. I was very surprised ot find out that “Rejects” is one of the best Road/Horror movies I’ve seen in decades. Storytellers improve their craft or dilute it over time. Defalco could become a good director (of course first he’ll have to overcome his problem with juvenilia).

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:20 p.m. CST

    anch, your two examples were genuinely brilliant

    by HypeEndsHere

    coincidence?….. (yes.)

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:41 p.m. CST

    Greatest. Thread. Ever.

    by IPMichaelangelo

    You kids have made my day!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:44 p.m. CST

    Where are you, Doc Pazuzu?!

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    This TB demands your presence!

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Fact about “Demon” Dave (from the Chaos website)

    by IPMichaelangelo

    Writer/Director David

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 8:05 p.m. CST

    From Las Vegas Weekly

    by AshleyMonday

    LVW: A user on the Internet Movie Database who likes the movie describes it as “fun.” Is that a good reaction as far as you’re concerned?

    D”D”D: Look, any time you’re getting people writing about it like that, you’re going to get a whole gamut of stuff going on, but the bottom line is that it falls in the horror genre, and it’s like anything that

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 8:32 p.m. CST

    Anch…

    by Kasch

    Orson Welles didn’t have everyone laughing at him in unison when he appeared in public. I understand where you’re coming from, but DeFalco isn’t even convincing as “some Hollywood weirdo.” His image is just pathetic and phony and he speaks like a twelve-year-old death-metal horror junkie. He needs to drop the act, be himself, and learn to articulate something besides “Murder! Death! Su-IC-IDE!”

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 9:08 p.m. CST

    Demon vs. JuggFuckler

    by SJ Bernheim

    I would be happy to promote the match, and act as Special Guest Referee.

    I propose Hollywood, California – on a Saturday night, this September.

    Dave the Demon – what do you say?

    JuggFuckler?

    I’ll put up a $250 purse – winner take all!!

    Let me know!

    SJ Bernheim

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 9:21 p.m. CST

    noooo

    by Everett Robert

    not in Sept. I’m going to be spending most of that month in the Philippines, and I have to see this. ok but seriously, as someone who has watched a lot of wrestling, Demon Dave, really dude, I watched you in WcW and you were NEVER anything but a Undertaker ripoff ok…you worked for the same company that had a buff chick named Asya or something at the same time the WW(F)E had a buff chick named Chyna. I’m with the rest of these people here, take the positive stuff that Vern mentioned that do sound really good, the grittiness, the lack of score etc, and incorprate them into something else. I’m all for taking classic horror mythos and updating them but when almost every critic( who are not known for agreeing usually) says this is a LHotL ripoff, look at the work SUBJECTIVLY…in fact, do what Stephen King suggests to writers, write it, sit it aside for weeks or months, deteach yourself from the work and then go back and look at your work and then begin to clean it up. here let me give you an idea of a movie, seriously, take this idea nd run with it because I’m never going to make this movie. There is a legend in Kansas that one of the gates of hell is here, run with that, the Apoclyspe comes to Kansas of all places, don’t rip off South Park Bigger Longer Uncut, do something original. There’s also a legend in the Manhatten area that an Indian shaman was killed (I think, or maybe an Indian Princess) and her ghost haunts that area. I’ve talked to people who have gone out to the land and pissed on it and things went CRAZY. I’ve been to it, it’s a field in the middle of nowhere and you just get the hebbie jebbies, sure it’s probably psychosymetiatic but it’s interesting thought. There you go, explore horror urban legands and like mockumentary or doc style explore the ideas of real or feigned horror expirences.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 9:25 p.m. CST

    Questions

    by SJ Bernheim

    I’ll try to address some of the questions.

    1. Dave D. Yes, he really is my friend, although I once filed a lawsuit against him, and he – on more than one occasion – has threatened to kick my ass in the ring (exactly as his most recent challenge to Vern). Dave and i went through a lot of struggling over the years in Hollywood to get to the point where we could make a film that is strong on a technical level (which Chaos is).

    When you go through a lot over many years with somebody trying to achieve common goals, you tend to become friends, even if you’re very different kinds of people.

    2. The similarities (and differences) between LHOTL and Chaos. There are similarities between the films for sure, as well as differences. If you were literally to lay out summaries of the scenes, numbered in columns next to each other, you would find many more differences than similarities – certainly enough to avoid charges of plagiarism in a legal sense. The same is true of lines of dialogue. The one and only time I saw LHOTL, which was at Dave’s house, I fell asleep in the middle. Sorry, Mr. Hess and Mr. Sheffler. I personally think it was a huge mistake to borrow anything from the marketing campaign from LHOTL or from any 70s genre movie. That was done in connection with the theatrical release at the insistence of the theatrical distributor. The fact is that most people outside the horror community have neither seen nor heard of LHOTL. Although I am a movie fan – even a movie buff to some extent – I hadn’t seen it or heard of it until a few years ago, and none of my friends other than Dave ever heard of it or saw it. So I think this whole issue is a bit of a nothing-burger, as far as the general public goes.

    3. I think a behind the scenes documentary about the making of Dave’s next film is great idea. I think just a follow-him-around documentary about Dave the D in general could be highly entertaining.

    Best,

    Steve

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 9:42 p.m. CST

    Original Idea

    by SJ Bernheim

    Vern has asked about the “Based on an original idea by. . .”

    He asks, was the “original idea” to rip off Last House on the Left?

    Should we have called it, “Last House on the Right”?

    The answer is, there are no original ideas in Hollywood. Everything is derivitive of something else, to some extent. It is all in the execution.

    That “original idea” credit is intellectually dishonest whenever and whereever it is used.

    so to those whose insatiable hatred for Chaos is fueled by that credit, I say: LIGHTEN UP, FRANCES!! IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!!!

    Best,

    Steve

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 9:55 p.m. CST

    SJ Bernheim

    by Everett Robert

    man you seem like an upright guy. I’m not saying you ripped off LHotL, I saw it once when I was a kid and don’t remember anything about it really, I’m just going off what the other reviewers have said, and I can understand about theatrical distribution marketing and what not. Listen, if you want, come out to Kansas, I know a guy that I think could come up with a good idea and excute it, and no it’s not me.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 9:57 p.m. CST

    I really do think…

    by Everett Robert

    I am the WORST speller on AICN, only because I really do try and catch my spelling errors and it just bothers me when I see them posted for God and everyone to see

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 10:41 p.m. CST

    Aw shit.

    by brokebackcowboy

    I spent the whole day trolling Don Murphy and missed out on this. Dammit.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:23 p.m. CST

    That vid in the coroner’s office

    by brokebackcowboy

    was lame and poorly acted. Seen better acting and narration in a homemade YouTube video from India. My college roommate directed better films than you, Dave. And film was his minor, you stupid knuckle-dragger. I wish they had funded the No Child Left Behind Act when you were in grade school, then maybe we would have been spared your piss-poor excuse of a wrestling career or your venture into so-called filmmaking. And to Steven Bernheim, tell Sage Stallone to stop his father from beating that dead horse and to just fade away gracefully. And remember, Vern rules.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:34 p.m. CST

    Steven Bernheim

    by brokebackcowboy

    “so to those whose insatiable hatred for Chaos is fueled by that credit, I say: LIGHTEN UP, FRANCES!! IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!!!” ….. You might want to tell that to your pal Dave. Because he threatened Vern over it. And there are original ideas in filmmaking – just look at Brokeback Mountain. That was pretty original. Hey, Demon Dave can make his next movie about gay wrestlers … now that, I’m sure would be the perfect project for him.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:54 p.m. CST

    The TB is interesting…

    by readingwriter

    …and yet nothing has altered my feelings about the movie after reading Vern’s review. Life’s too short to see bad movies.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:55 p.m. CST

    Vern: Can I answer your question?

    by brokebackcowboy

    Question: “but what is the deal with CHAOS being so much like LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT?” …. Answer: Because a wrestler wanted to make a horror movie, so he went to Blockbuster looking for ideas. The only thing brutal about Demon Dave is watching him act. He makes Paris Hilton look like a thespian.

  • Aug. 28, 2006, 11:56 p.m. CST

    well, i may be talking out my ass…

    by occula

    because i haven’t seen either film, but in order to avoid charges of plagiarism the project in question has to have 75% of the material determinably different from the original project (this goes for books, graphics, all of it). regardless, i still give steve the producer props for going up against these TB’ers.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 12:19 a.m. CST

    I give Steve the producer props too …

    by brokebackcowboy

    it takes balls to invest real money in a movie helmed by a knuckle-dragger like DeFalco. Next up … SWEET SWEAT: THE LIFE OF A GAY WRESTLER.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 12:29 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave

    by brokebackcowboy

    The thing I hate most about the Internet is reading a post by a stupid knuckle-dragger like you. You shouldn’t wait for a match with Vern to stop directing movies. You should stop directing movies because you have no talent, and the world does not need you to direct movies. We have plenty of shitty movies to choose from already. Like Lindsay Lohan’s movies. And the proper abbreviation for ‘versus’ is V. or Vs. I’m never a spelling nazi, but you … you genuinely need all the assistance you can get.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:05 a.m. CST

    The most insulting part of all…

    by TheKeenGuy

    “That “original idea” credit is intellectually dishonest whenever and whereever it is used. so to those whose insatiable hatred for Chaos is fueled by that credit, I say: LIGHTEN UP, FRANCES!! IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!!!” …anyone who actually believe that should never be allowed to become a filmmaker. It’s sad that you are so creatively bankrupt that you decide it’s okay to rip off another film’s premise simply because it’s easier than being original. “It’s only a movie” is no defense when you have shown blatant disregard of someone else’s intellectual properties. But I guess that it’s difficult to understand the concept of intellectual properties when you’ve never had one of your own.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:11 a.m. CST

    Hey Vern

    by brokebackcowboy

    I just read your essay on Michael Bay. I’d be curious to know how you feel about Tony Scott. Because his films are truly, horribly unwatchable. Like how you see Michael Bay to the Nth degree. I even tried watching Man on Fire (the way you made yourself watch Bad Boys 2) and his trademark dark cinematography / hyper-kinetic editing gave me a migraine. I think if you gave The Island a chance instead of BB2, you’d have a slightly better view of Bay. Everyone panned The Island, but I don’t think it was quite that bad. It didn’t even feel like a Michael Bay film. If you ever watch it, post a review.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:27 a.m. CST

    Hey brokeback

    by Vern

    If you want to know how I feel about Tony Scott, read my review of DOMINO. It is probaly more harsh than this CHAOS review. Strangely, Tony Scott never challenged me to a wrestling match.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:09 a.m. CST

    To Vern From The Demon

    by Demon Dave

    I want to start by saying I accept your apology for calling me a dipshit and a chump. That was the main reason I challenged you, not your harsh review of Chaos. I felt like you made it a personal attack and I don’t think anyone can fault me for defending myself. Maybe I am a bit juvenile but I was brought up on the east coast. One thing I learned was not to talk shit about someone if you wouldn’t do it to their face. ‘Cause you just might run into them one day. But, I actually think the letter you wrote to me was cool and I am glad you enjoyed the coroner stuff. You will soon understand the method behind that madness. And to you Jugg, I appreciate your challenge. But, honestly, I’m not really that pissed off at you. Vern did something that made me mad. You are just going with the flow. Your review of Chaos was very funny, Vern. But, with all the “Last House” bickering going on, something very important has been lost sight of. Chaos has become the embodiment of TRUE EVIL. My involvement in that movie has altered my life permanently and set me on a new journey. And trust me, it is a “doorway” I wish I never opened. More to come…

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:20 a.m. CST

    Hey Pantera

    by Demon Dave

    Maybe you are bigger than me and maybe you can kick my ass. (Don’t know the answer to that one) Yes, you haven’t threatened anyone on this site. But, then again I haven’t read that anyone has called you a dipshit or a chump. Maybe, then you would feel differently?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:22 a.m. CST

    hmm

    by DonnieDorko

    “Maybe I am a bit juvenile but I was brought up on the east coast.” Could be the tagline for your new gay wrestling docu-comedy. And who cares what you feel about Juggfuckler, HE challenged YOU, you big sissy. You just proved that you don’t even have any credability as a wrestlingclown… unbelievable..

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:39 a.m. CST

    Pantera

    by DonnieDorko

    Yup, I thought it was pathetic when he challenged vern to a freaking fight. I thought it was even worse when he didn’t accept the challenge FROM JuggFuckler.

    How hard can it be to follow that logic? Are you from the eastcoast too? :)

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:59 a.m. CST

    Thank you Pantera

    by Demon Dave

    Pantera, you sound like a stand up guy. You’re okay in my book. Donnie, you sound like your name. And what’s with all the gay shit. Maybe, you want me to fuck you up the ass after I kick it? the Demon

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:05 a.m. CST

    okeydokey

    by DonnieDorko

    Well, the difference is that both Vern and JuggFuckler post on this site and in the talkbacks will probably have about the same amount of readers. But it doesn’t really matter, of course I knew Demon Dave wouldn’t accept the challenge. It’s all just so extremly dumb it’s hard to believe. The thing with the presumably educational value of the movie and then the talks of Vern trying to stay alive in the ring. I like americans in general an US in general but I don’t get how the dumbest people over there still gets to do movies etc. I really don’t get it. And everything bad I read about the movie is just increased buy what this Demon Dave character says. + Why not make a gay wrestling docu-movie with that tagline? Don’t you think it would sell?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Stephen and Dave…

    by Messiahman

    Mr. Bernheim, due to the impending release of the CHAOS DVD, it

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Dave

    by DonnieDorko

    I’m not too surprised you didn’t get why I choose my nick “Demon Dave”….. sigh..

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:53 a.m. CST

    And Pantera

    by DonnieDorko

    If Tom Cruise would call me a loser and a bad filmmaker, I wouldn’t go out in public saying something like “Oh, yeah, well I can kill you! Let’s try to kill eachother so I can prove how good a filmmaker I am when I show how good I am att killing people”. I wouldn’t. + Tom Cruise would use his witchcraft against me.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 4:08 a.m. CST

    For the demon

    by fabiodeniro

    Ok. So let’s sum this up.

    You made a bad movie that’s only claim to fame is it’s the most brutal film ever. It’s not. That would be Ghost Dad.

    You felt guilty about the sick flick you created. With much regret, you insert a title card that you hoped this film would save lives by enlighting us all on what horrible things happen. No mention of providing sick misogynists with jerk off material. Not much chance a violent crime will happen to us, but it does happen. News flash: some people die horribly. Reality: They’re in a tiny, almost insequential minority.

    You totally ripped off Last House on the Left, in both promotional campaigns and storyline. You didn’t give them any credit.

    You challenge to fight Vern, are exposed for the fool you are in a DVD extra, you and your partner realise you better start backpeddling fast.

    If Christopher Guest is behind this, kudos. If not, you’re kinda fucked.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 4:17 a.m. CST

    SJ Bernheim

    by DonnieDorko

    You wrote “I’m just glad my mom can’t doesn’t use internet.” It got me curious. Have your mom seen the movie?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 4:32 a.m. CST

    to Dave

    by Vern

    Glad we could make peace, bud. And I really hope you bring a camera with you while you embark into the doorway of true evil or whatever. I mean you gotta realize you and that coroner are a couple of characters, it could be a real interesting documentary. Plus, these panel discussions we all read about, and even you challenging me today – that’s not your every day true hollywood story. It’s pretty god damn out there – you know that. It should be documented for future generations, in my opinion. thanks Dave.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 4:43 a.m. CST

    questions

    by SJ Bernheim

    DonnieDarko –

    My mom has not seen the movie, and I don’t think she knows about it. She knows about the more commercial stuff that ran on cable, like Backlot Murders.

    Messiahman–

    Ok. Let’s ASSUME only that Chaos has plot points lifted from LHOTL. (without admitting that is the case) My question to you is, does that mean the gore effects, the makeup,the wardrobe, the dialogue, the acting (Gage, Sage, Wozniak, KC Kelly), the work of the director of photography, etc., are unworthy?

    Would that mean this film does not have $12.99 of entertainment value in it?

    Finally, do you think that House of 1000 Corpses is LESS derivitive than Chaos? Does the last scene of 1000 Corpses remind you of anything, in, say, hmmmm, Texas Chainsaw. . .?

    So why does Chaos get flamed in a way 1000 corpses doesn’t? I don’t remember Zombie crediting Chainsaw for what Zombie ripped off – and there are more than a few beat-for-beat similarities?

    Which movie is worth the $12.99? Chaos or 1000 Corpses?

    And guess what? Zombie had 20 times more money to work with than I did.

    Respectfully,

    SJ Bernheim,

    Producer (and chief dickwad)

    Chaos

    Producer,

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 5:22 a.m. CST

    With all due respect, Mr Bernheim…

    by Tunza

    House of 1000 Corpses certainly takes elements from many different films, but blends them all into a whole that is somewhat original. There’s a difference between paying respectful homage to your favourite films and flat-out lifting a plot (paper-thin as it may be in the first place) from another movie. I’m sure if you asked Mr Zombie he’d happily point out all the old flicks he stole bits from. Having said that, I think it’s pretty cool you’ve shown up here and answered questions.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 5:50 a.m. CST

    Actually, Stephen…

    by Messiahman

    Zombie is on record all over the place as saying that HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES was his homage to various grindhouse films of the 70s and 80s, particularly TCM and TCM 2. Hell, he cast Bill Mosely PRECISELY because of his admiration for his performance in TCM 2 (which, if you’ve seen the sequel, you’ll know is the primary source of inspiration for HOUSE). The difference here is that Zombie did NOT steal multiple scenes wholesale and try to pass them off as his own — while some scenes possess a similar tone to Hooper’s work, they are employed in service of an entirely different story and a unique set of characters. Zombie

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 7:35 a.m. CST

    V is for Vern. D is for Dipshit. Dipshit, I say.

    by brokebackcowboy

    Hey Dipshit Dave, is this your first foray into these here Internets? You sound like a knuckle-dragging newb. Mightn’t you actually be one? I heard Hugh Jackman went apeshit at an X3 screening too, and he threatened to do to everyone what he did onscreen. Like, um .. unsheath his claws and slice them up. Pantera might be warming your cockles but that’s only because he wants a starring part in your wrestling-themed gay porn feature. Steven: No, your DVD is not $12.99 of entertainment value. You see, there is something called opportunity cost. $12.99 spent on your DVD is $12.99 that could otherwise have been donated to the Red Cross or Meals on Wheels. One act puts money to good use helping humankind, the other is like paying money for a lump of shit. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which is which. Good luck with your gay wrestling movie. I just hope Dave won’t scream “Hey! You saw what was up there onscreen – do you wanna see what I’m capable of?!” at the next press screening. That would be more embarassing than challenging a film critic to a wrestling match.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 7:59 a.m. CST

    Douchebag Dave

    by JuggFuckler

    Hey guys, I

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:05 a.m. CST

    BWAHAHAHAHA!!

    by PhilConnors

    Thank Gawd I decided to click on this talkback again!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:12 a.m. CST

    JuggFuckler

    by brokebackcowboy

    Well said, Jugg. Mucho kudos to you for backing Vern up. I don’t think Douchy Dave (ha!) will take up your challenge, unless you send him a pic of your ass and get him aroused. That’s the only reason he got into wrestling anyway. And by the way, I got into some jugg fuckling on a date a few weeks ago. It was good – they were natural. BWAHAHHAHAAHHHHAAAA!!!!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:16 a.m. CST

    PhilConnors

    by brokebackcowboy

    That’s how I felt when I clicked the link last night, and realized I missed a classic TB in the making!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:25 a.m. CST

    JuggFuckler = God

    by El_Aurens

    Jesus Christ man! That was awesome. I wish that I had a friend like you when I was in highschool. I wouldn’t have gotten my ass kicked nearly as much. Seriously though, Demon Dave is a loser. This board will last longer than his career.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:32 a.m. CST

    I feel like I should be paying to read this TB

    by brokebackcowboy

    I’d say this is worth $12.99 pluz tax. And Vern, thanks for the lead. I’ll track down your Domino review.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:37 a.m. CST

    THIS IS GREAT-

    by Lost Prophet

    hysterical stuff. I nearly cried laughing. I hope Juggfuckler wipes the floor with him.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:41 a.m. CST

    LP

    by brokebackcowboy

    Jugg would except Bernheim is busy wiping the spittle from Dave’s mouth. And they’re trying to unload bulk Chaos DVDs on the local 99 cent stores.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:44 a.m. CST

    1000 Corpses

    by OneintenMan

    Mr Bernheim, you make a good point. I haven’t seen either LHOTL or Chaos yet so I can’t judge. I hated 1000 Corpses, but devil’s rejects was fantastic. In light of that I look forward to what yourself and Mr Demon do next. Best of luck.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:47 a.m. CST

    On another topic

    by OneintenMan

    this talkback is a little bit of an anti-climax.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:47 a.m. CST

    why? are people that short of ashtrays?

    by Lost Prophet

    99 cents= DAYLIGHT ROBBERY. The DVD should come with 10$ taped to the back and a personalised apology note written in Pokemon Dave’s own blood.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:52 a.m. CST

    LP – Check out Demon Dave’s picture album

    by brokebackcowboy

    Various pics of Dave after getting owned on this TB … http://tinyurl.com/zrc2g

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:52 a.m. CST

    OneintenMan are you crazy?

    by muscelyarm

    This talkback could potentially turn into a crazy ass film geek beating the crap out of Demon Dave! What more do you want. Vern, Demon Dave, JuggFuckler all I have to say is THANK YOU. I nearly shit myself laughing.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:53 a.m. CST

    And the ownership credit goes to JuggFuckler

    by brokebackcowboy

    … of course!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:54 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave and JuggFuckler

    by JimBelushi

    Priceless. Please make this happen.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:05 a.m. CST

    Well, I think the lesson here is…

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Don’t fuck with the Geeks on TalkBack! Classic!!!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:05 a.m. CST

    muscley arm

    by OneintenMan

    it’s pretty good, i guess. but i wanted the Vern v Demon celebrity deathmatch of the year. but then SJ and Demon had to go and ruin it by being all “civil” and pleasant and stuff.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:08 a.m. CST

    hmm

    by DonnieDorko

    I can add $100 to the prize money.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Could this be the greatest talkback of all time?

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    I think so. Demon Dave don’t be a Kevin Smith. He swoops in, takes his shots, and leaves like a pussy. Please answer the Fuckler’s challenge. It could be the greatest thing ever. Although I have never met either one of you, I’m pretty sure he could beat the shit out of you. I picture him as looking like Marv in Sin City.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:26 a.m. CST

    “JUGG FUCKLED”

    by Lost Prophet

    what is this? it sounds potentially painful. Not to mention messy.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:36 a.m. CST

    Diaper Dave…

    by readingwriter

    …seems to have gone off to change himself after being called out. Or rent LHOTL to really give it a good viewing so he can contribute something of intelligence to the discussion, cough. Or, more likely, throw away his video copies of it so he can claim he never saw it, and just Uri Gellered its contents by telepathically linking with LHOTL’s production crew. This thread is losing its creaminess, but it’s still good.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:38 a.m. CST

    Harry

    by muscelyarm

    When you make the “Best of AICN Talkbacks” book you must include this one. Everyone at my work is laughing their asses of and quoting Demon Dave and JuggFuckler.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:39 a.m. CST

    SJB

    by Redundant23

    From Chaos’s page at IMDb:

    “Was planned as a remake of The Last House on the Left (1972) until a week into production, the producer felt it original enough to stand on its own.”

    SJB, you say your movie is not a remake, that it stands on its own, that it’s more different than similar to LHOTL. But nonetheless, CHAOS is more similar to LHOTL than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake is to the original TCM, than the recent Dawn of the Dead is to Romero’s original, than the new Hills Have Eyes is to Craven’s original film. And these are “official” remakes. You may deny it — and it’s probably in your best interest to deny it — but that statement at IMDb sure sounds like the truth to me.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Okay, okay…

    by Blue_Demon

    All that being said, it’s still our duty NOT to buy this dvd. Dimwit Dave…by not accepting Juggs’ challenge you have become the laughing stock of AICN. Somewhere “The Lion” ( the guy behind “The Plan” ) is breathing a sigh of relief.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 10:08 a.m. CST

    “Makes Jesus look like, kind of a dick…”

    by Billyeveryteen

    Pure Fucking Gold.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 10:51 a.m. CST

    This is the best TB for quite some time.

    by brycemonkey

    Well done to one and all.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 10:56 a.m. CST

    A question for Mr. Burnheim

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    Do you think that Demon Dave

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:01 a.m. CST

    A Question for Demon Dave

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    In a post above you claim that you have opened up a

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Can we get the Fuckler to beat

    by Lost Prophet

    Michael Bay, Don Murphy and every other arsehole involved with that Transformers atrocity into pulp?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Wow, this Demon Dave guy loves MAN MILK

    by Ricky Henderson

    Why couldn’t he direct Transformers?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:25 a.m. CST

    Everyone in this TB is a dipshit and I challenge you…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    all IN A STEEL CAGE… Sorry, I always wanted to scream that… I have to go now, I have to write my new comedy idea, about a wannabe wrestler and horror movie fan who teams up with a semi-psychotic coroner to track down a serial killer… SJ, are you interested? It is 100% my own idea, no royalties need go to anyone…

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:30 a.m. CST

    ALONZO!

    by OneintenMan

    I accept your challenge! Assuming you are no taller than 5’4″. And disabled. And can wait till the weekend, I’m quite busy until then.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:50 a.m. CST

    WOW! Juggfuckler made my day!

    by tile_mcgillus

    Prepare to be Jugg Fuckled!! BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! That coupled with such a great review…I heart AICN.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Alonso: That’s actually a pretty good idea.

    by FatPaul

    I mean the movie plot, not the cage match. They could combine it with the speed/possession idea to make the MOST BRUTAL HORROR FILM EVER. I’m serious. That would probably kick ass.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 12:05 p.m. CST

    First, Too Soon, and You’re A Racist, now JuggFuckled

    by FordPerfect

    I know alot of crazy shit gets said on this site and I love it all! However, I have a proposition for everyone and in light of the great Juggfuckling that is going on. Well…we had First! and everyone uses that still, then we had TOO SOON! Now some people are trying to get You’re A Racist to replace Too Soon and that is good and all but that is going to get old real quick. Now, I say instead of saying all that shit you can say you got JuggFuckled instead of you got owned or You’re A Racist or Toon Soon and as JuggFuckler says Poop instead of First! we all should start saying Poop for now on. JuggFuckler we all owe this to you where ever you are!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Man, this *is* worse than that Megatron thread.

    by Kneon

    Didn’t think it was possible…

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 12:27 p.m. CST

    JuggFuckler is having the Best Week Ever

    by JimBelushi

    Thanks Juggs for putting that dick in his place. You are at least 33% resopnsible for making this the Best Talkback Ever.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:08 p.m. CST

    Pantera, just out of interest.

    by TELF

    I know you are into the bodybuilding and such. Do you do some martial arts too? Cos most of the really built lifters I know, when it comes down to it, can’t fight for shit. They gas immediately and have little speed of coordination. Not dissing you, just wondering. When I was a bouncer I used to see big steroid guys get there asses handed to them by little wirey guys who had their shit together all the time.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:09 p.m. CST

    What the fuck?

    by BloodReign

    I’ve never responded to a TB before but I can’t just ignore this one.

    I had never even heard of the flick Chaos before last night when I was browsing Bloody-Disgusting.com but I must say…Vern…you essentially nailed it with your review/essay. Just from doing a bit of research I can say that you have written a very truthful essay on the torture-porn/goreporn issue and a very enlightening review of your thoughts on this movie. My congratulations to you, sir. Now, even if it does completely fail as an original movie, I want to see this little turd. Yes, even though you beg people to stay far far away from it, I now wish to see it myself. Guess I’ll download it and save my money until I decide if I want to buy it or not. C’est La Vie.

    I own The Backlot Murders. I happened to have bought it for $2 at Wal-Mart when I moved to Canada last October. It’s not a BAD movie but Lord it isn’t good. It does show me that Defalco does have merit as a director but he lacks any sort of true control of his actors and actresses. His camera work (or his cinematographers) is quite good actually but his loss of control of the movie as a whole is glaringly obvious. In essence…he has potential. Maybe one day he will direct a film that will be quite good. Look at Albert Pyun…he has directed two good movies that are now cult classics (Sword And The Sorceror and Nemesis 1) but has pretty much failed thereafter. Everyone’s shit stinks but every now and then one turd will come out smelling like roses. I’ll wait and see what DeFalco has to offer in the future (and until I actually see Chaos) before I pass true judgement on that issue.

    As for his idiotic challenge to Vern (who I admire deeply)…pathetic grandstanding. I just couldn’t believe anyone on the internet that is also in the public eye could be so utterly ignorant. Dave, what was the point of that move? Do you regularly beat up reviewers/people that call you names? Why not just address the issue in the way Bernheim has done and make yourself heard…not ridiculed. Here is the way I saw this entire episode. 1) You actually went out and made this film and got a distribution deal even with all the negative publicity. You had the guts and gonads to MAKE A FILM. That is pretty much what any film geek aspires to in some sense and you accomplished it. For that I applaud you and respect you. 2) You then come on here and physically threaten a reviewer who called you a name. Kinda sounds like grammar school shenanigans to me. That’s an extremely good way to squelch any future backing you may have had in the future (Tom Cruise, anyone?). Plus you lost any respect you may have had with the readers of the #1 film news site for film geeks. Creative suicide, brother. 3) You then failed to adress any questions or issues that have arisen from your own actions and about your film that seem so proud of. I most certainly would love to sit down and speak with you about it, and I’m sure others here would as well. You have the perfect forum to hype your movie and have completely thrown it to the wayside.

    As for the film ,Chaos, itself…I dunno. It sounds like it does largely mirror LHotL and VS but it also sounds like it pays homage to a host of other grindhouse and classic films as well. No Score = The Birds, Torture/Rape = any grindhouse/exploitation film from the 70s and 80s (Jess Franco specifically), The hype surrounding it on the internet = SoaP marketing campaign by Samuel L Jackson. I can list even more after I actually see it. And even bigger than all of them, you dance around the issue at heart and make this situation even worse.

    Dave and Bernheim…I wish you the best in the future and sincerely hope you take all the advice from the fans/posters here at AiCN and employ them into your future projects. I applaud you for trying your best in a field you obviously enjoy. I just hope you learn also that hype can also lead to negative publicity.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:13 p.m. CST

    JAYSUS CHRISTMAS

    by cocolopez

    I’ve got a reason to love this site again.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:14 p.m. CST

    Oh, and my buddy-buddy horror comedy is now called…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    JuggFuckled… Totally my idea as well… No credit to anyone else for that…

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:25 p.m. CST

    anticlimactic

    by Vern

    Yes, maybe this whole thing is anticlimactic, but that makes it deeper. I have been working on spicing up the ‘On Deadly Ground’ chapter in my book Seagalogy, and there are alot of lessons you can learn from that movie, mainly in the famous scene where Seagal defeats Mike Starr in “the hand slap game.” You can learn from that scene that you should *never* accept a crazy challenge from a stranger just because you’re stubborn and don’t want to look like a sissy. If some guy in a fringe coat asks you to play a game where you take turns trying to slap each other’s hands but if you miss then the other person gets to hit you, DON’T DO IT. The guy is obviously really good at slapping hands and not having his hands slapped, otherwise he wouldn’t ask. Same goes for wrestling challenges. But then at the end, after Seagal has given Starr a bloody nose, made him throw up and cry, instead of knocking him out (like the talkbackers would hope) he just asks him what it takes to change the essence of a man, pats him on the shoulder and leaves in peace. This is what I try to do in life. I am a peacemaker now. And I would like to think that both Demon Dave and I realize that we need time, we need time to change. Of course, that’s only the beginning of the movie. This part now with Juggfuckler threatening Dave I guess could be the end when they fight the mercenaries on the oil rig and blow everything up. But who will deliver the speech at the end about pollution and alternative fuels? I look forward to finding out.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:28 p.m. CST

    JuggFuckled = the new pwned

    by brycemonkey

    Internet history in the making…

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Just make a movie about this Dave!

    by loodabagel

    When a violent, angry director’s movie gets awful reviews on the internet and all the talkbackers mock him, he loses his mind and goes on a killing spree! And let’s say that he knows the director of the website so he tortures him with wrestling moves until he reveals everyone’s identity. Aforementioned director then rampages until Juggfuckler calls him out to a duel to the death. I know I’d watch that.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:35 p.m. CST

    It’s funny, man

    by Vern

    I really thought when I wrote the review that the talkback would all be a debate about “torture porn,” with most people disagreeing with me. Instead, it’s mostly about wrestling challenges and something called juggfuckling. That’s the magic of talkback. And people ask me sometimes why I still write for Ain’t It Cool!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:38 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by FordPerfect

    I will give that speach or Morgan Freeman seems like a good choice.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Or you could make a movie…

    by loodabagel

    Where a bunch of internet film geeks band together when they learn Hollywood is making shitty movies based on stuff they love. They’d battle and fight their way through “The Flash”, “The Hobbit”, “Star Trek 10” and “Captain America”, but when they get to “The Outer Limits” they have to fight the allmight Demon Dave! Commander of the demons that burst through his chest when he does drugs! It would be epic, man!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:50 p.m. CST

    This could turn into another snakes on a plane…

    by Jim Bolo

    … Reckon these guys will go back and add some extra stuff to their film (ie. a plot, good scenes, etc) if there’s enough legitimate criticism?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Are you there, DEMON DAVE?

    by loodabagel

    I’m offering some great career advice! And great movie ideas, free of charge! I hope you’re not too busy getting your ass kicked by Juggfuckler to read this. This is some dynamite stuff, man!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 1:55 p.m. CST

    All Your Demons Are Belong To Dave!

    by -guyinthebackrow

    “Chaos has become the embodiment of TRUE EVIL. My involvement in that movie has altered my life permanently and set me on a new journey. And trust me, it is a “doorway” I wish I never opened. More to come…” … Everything Dave says, writes, does, dreams needs to be written down, and taught to children as Gospel, and never, ever be forgotten. This guy’s opening the DOORWAY to HELL, people! Pay attention! DANG! In other news… Dave’s been out of his anti-psychotic meds for weeks… can someone make a Rite-Aid run?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2 p.m. CST

    Oh shit! Dave’s fused with Satan!

    by loodabagel

    Only one way to stop him now…JUGGFUCKLING!

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:19 p.m. CST

    Yeah all muscle doesn’t mean the best fighter

    by messi

    I’m don’t have the physique of a bodybuilder, i look more like christian bale in batman begins or an MMA fighter, but i could take on those really big guys, they just don’t have the speed amongst other things. Plus i got Muay Thai, Brazillian Jiu Jitsu and Jeet Kune Do. And I also like to dress in a batsuit.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:21 p.m. CST

    my little sister

    by OneintenMan

    always beats me at handslaps. I would go so far as to suggest she juggfuckles me at handslaps, I reckon she could easily take Seagal.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:22 p.m. CST

    Juggs please fight Michael Bay and Don Murphy

    by messi

    please. Transformers must keep it’s integrity

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:23 p.m. CST

    Dave’s next movie

    by JimBelushi

    A group of friends are being chased through the woods by a psychotic semi-pro wrestler. He slowly picks them off until

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:34 p.m. CST

    Anchorite

    by brokebackcowboy

    Yeah, I had a lot to make up for missing out yesterday. Hee! Does anyone have a guide for proper Jugg Fuckling techniques? I got another date on Thursday.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:37 p.m. CST

    “Chaos has become the embodiment of true evil”

    by brokebackcowboy

    As said by the tools who lost their shirts bankrolling this lemon of a movie.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 2:47 p.m. CST

    *tears of laughter*

    by El Scorcho

    I agree that a movie based on the production history of this movie combined with the review and the talkback would be far more entertaining than any Wes Craven rip-off could ever be. Comedy gold. Thanks for all the laughs. And Demon Dave, my insults from earlier still stand, only I wish I could send them through the doorway of evil so they could inflict even more damage.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:21 p.m. CST

    Yes, this is the greatest talkback of all time.

    by Flickerhead

    I want the fights to be on Pay-Per-View. All of ’em. JuggFuckler vs. SJ vs. Demon Dave vs. Moriarty. Please, God, please.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Okay, but…

    by Blue_Demon

    If you must watch this movie – and believe me, you mustn’t – just find somewhere to download it. Then if they get mad because you downloaded their movie just say “What? This isn’t your movie. It’s totally different. And besides, I’m watching it to, perhaps, save lives.”

    –Vern

    This still stands, right Vern?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 3:56 p.m. CST

    2 bitches

    by Everett Robert

    no this isn’t the start to a bad joke…and actually it’s only really one, I reliezed that Capone doesn’t have a blackbox either, but the thing is, he has an avatar and Vern doesn’t. WHY WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD does Mori get his av there at the bottom. This could be posted without the introduction and the conculsion with Mori’s av. Also please PLEASE GUYS(and GALS) PLEASE,I’m leaving Thurs for 2 weeks, please keep this talk back running, I so want this to be still running when I get back

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 4:38 p.m. CST

    El Scorcho…

    by -guyinthebackrow

    In your last post you propose that a movie should be made out the production of “CHAOS!” combined with Vern’s review and this subsequent talkback. NAY! Nay, I scream! It would take at least four feature films, seven shorts, six years or 100 hundred episodes (so Dave could really see some money rolling in) of a 2-hour drama-horror series, and eighteen tomes (big fucking books) just to scratch the surface of the EVIL that Dave has unleashed upon this unsuspecting world! We would also need Demon Dave (or as his best friends call him “Double-D”) to go on a speaking tour of the forty-eight, continental, States as well as the States of Grace and Shock. Anything less than that would only confuse and mindfuck the population. And by “mindfuck” I (of course) mean “Mind-Jugg-Fuckling”. Thus I am, George the 23rd Chicken… or whatever that guy used to say. Is he dead?

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 4:53 p.m. CST

    This talkback made me realize…

    by Kasch

    That AICN desperately needs its own message board! Also that David DeFalco needs to star in a straight-to-video sequel to “Suburban Commando.”

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 5:28 p.m. CST

    I doubt Vern wants a black box or an avatar

    by eraser_x

    because that would make him a card-carrying AICN nerd. As a non-black-boxed and avatar-free man of the people, he can remain merely an occasional, card-free visitor to the nerdvana that is AICN.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 6:29 p.m. CST

    Umm, Kasch?

    by MasterWhedon

    AICN has had a forum open to the public since December 9th of last year. It’s called the Zone, and you can find it here: http://zone.aintitcool.com/. Quality review and TalkBack exchanges, Vern.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Pantera, you have JUGG FUCKLED yourself

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    No one gives a fuck about your cardio routine. Maybe you and Demon Dave can take turns working out and JUGG FUCKLING each other.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 6:42 p.m. CST

    Vern: About Tony Scott

    by brokebackcowboy

    Just read your review of Domino, and as always, you’re 100% in tune with the greater movie-going community. I didn’t realize he directed Top Gun. When the hell did he begin to drain every trace of light from his films? Maybe Days of Thunder? His movies are so fucking improbably dark, it’s about the dumbest ‘signature style’ I’ve ever seen. I remember thinking, when I watched The Last Boy Scout … does the stadium not use lights – at a raining night game?! His only saving grace is that he has a brother who can rightfully be called a filmmaker. I loved the hell out of Kingdom of Heaven, and the fact that that director came out of the same womb as the man responsible for Domino is incredulous. And I cannot believe he is remaking The Warriors. That movie is like Citizen Kane – it would be redundant to remake it, because the original is perfect, and in its way, timeless as is. Tony should instead direct the kinds of amusement park videos they use to make people queasy and sick. He’s good at it.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 6:51 p.m. CST

    Word on the street…

    by Cadillac Jones

    …is that JUGGFUCKLING will star Demon Dave as the ex-gay wrestler wanna-be who has a beer and cheets on his boyfriend who unleashed the horrors of another dimension by Methamphetamines-released demons, with Hulk Hogan playing the baddie. I heard that Captain Lou Albano was going to star, but he’s snowed in somewhere…

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 7:01 p.m. CST

    Pantera

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    I was only implying that you are gay for talking about your workout routine on a DVD talkback. I hope you and Telf made a wonderful rainbow connection. Now zip it, you are ruining one of the best talkbacks of all time.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 7:04 p.m. CST

    Cadlillac Jones

    by brokebackcowboy

    Please don’t forget to credit Pantera as Demon Dave’s jilted boyfriend. He’s given his all on the casting couch to get that role. He even used his most prized ability of juggfuckling Dave’s nether region.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 7:05 p.m. CST

    The irony though…

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    is that Pantera sooo does not rock.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:10 p.m. CST

    Never

    by AshleyMonday

    This talkback will never die.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 8:30 p.m. CST

    after a very busy day chock full of juggfuckling…

    by occula

    it’s a real pleasure to come home to this! although, all this wrestling chitchat is giving me the retard tingles.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 10:30 p.m. CST

    Demon Dave raped my childhood.

    by FluffyUnbound

    It had to be said.

  • Aug. 29, 2006, 11:16 p.m. CST

    wotcha gonna do when Juggfucklemania runs wild on you?

    by Mr_ant

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 1:19 a.m. CST

    oh, goodie

    by smorgasborgnine

    Panterarocks is back. He and “Demon” Dave were gone for so long… thought they probably got a private chatroom to discuss weight-gain shake recipies. Aww, look. Big scary rassler guy scratched Panterasux behind the ears and now he’s gonna follow big scary rassler guy home. You said that “you can always tell the wuss” for making fun of muscle guys. Think about this: being fit is one thing. All you muscle-bound jag-offs are about is narcicism. I mean, you are fulfilling a body image assigned and endorsed by OTHER GUYS. Sounds kinda, oh, what is the word I’m looking for… GAY? Thought so. Were you even gonna comment on the topic at hand or give your new bestest evil buddy a spot? (For all the waifish, basement-dwelling geeks, that’s a work-out reference.) The film is a piece of utter trash. But, I do encourage one and all to Netflix this little sucker… make sure it makes as little money as possible. You’ve gotta see what the hype is about, now. Speaking of seeing… for all of you who don’t want to waste dime one on this crap, go to the movie site and get a load of the big, oily demon hisself. Picture him out shopping for groceries. “Excuse me, you work here? Cool. Could you tell me if these apples are EVIL ENOUGH FOR THE DEMON?!”

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 1:35 a.m. CST

    more remake ideas

    by AZJim

    I also like Schindler’s Demon, Citizen Juggfuckler, Three Heads in the Fountain, Come Back to the Five and Dime Juggfuckler Juggfuckler, Stop Or My Mom Will Stab and Rape Your Knife Wounds, and The Man Who Cut Off Liberty Valance’s Nipples.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 2:50 a.m. CST

    Major Plot Twist Coming Up

    by Demon Dave

    This internet is such a wonderful thing. I mean where else could a bunch of computer geeks diss and taunt a professional fighter and get away with it? You know 99% of you guys (not including Pantera and Juggfuckler) would not even have the balls to look at me the wrong way on the street. You see I actually respect Juggfuckler. Although, he did talk shit to me, he is man enough to do it to my face. Brokeback, Zombie…etc. You guys need to shut the fuck up already. Unless you guys want to say it to my face, and that offer I will take up. On a different subject matter, I will say this has been a pretty entertaining talk back. I have never partaken in any talk back or blog on the internet and believe me this is not the first one that insulted me or Chaos. So ‘Ain’t It Cool’ must be appropriately named. In fact, this has been so cool, I think you guys deserve a little inside information that should put the “Last House” arguement to a final rest. Now, I told you guys that my intention with Chaos was to do my version of the Virgin Spring story inspired by “Last House”. But, there is a little piece of information missing here that I’m quite certain might shut everyone up. If Chaos did come out too similar too “Last House” there is someone else other than myself or Bernheim to blame. Does anyone want to know who that person is?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:13 a.m. CST

    hmmm…

    by Vern

    The coroner guy? The One-Armed Man? I don’t know Dave, keep us updated.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:14 a.m. CST

    yes

    by OneintenMan

    i do i do i do!!!!! tell meeeeeeeeeee!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:28 a.m. CST

    come on dude

    by OneintenMan

    it’s 9 am, i’m really tired and i’m waiting for this titbit before i get on to my dissertation. any time now…

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:31 a.m. CST

    oh

    by OneintenMan

    and why do you assume that jugg and pantera are actually who they say they are but everyone else is a computer geek? Perhaps i’m a 6’8″ beast… I’m not, but I might be.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:43 a.m. CST

    A few suggestions for the man to blame for chaos

    by Lost Prophet

    Several spring to mind, Vern and Juggfuckler, obviously, but as a shot in the dark Dave- You, only you and just you. Fuck’s sake, it is “based” on an original idea of yours, you were, correct me if I am wrong, Director, and you are listed as writer. This pretty much makes it your doing. Damn, this is some funny shit.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:55 a.m. CST

    You know what would be kind of funny?

    by jollysleeve

    If after this whole ordeal, Demon Dave and Bernheim became regular posters at AICN, becoming well-known, popular members of the Talkback community. Sort of a warm happy ending to a really bizarre Disney movie. Or like the end of Casual Sex, with Demon “Dave” DeFalco representing the Andrew “Dice” Clay character, and AICN being the smoking-hot 80’s incarnation of Lea Thompson.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:58 a.m. CST

    (“Dave” ugh…)

    by jollysleeve

    Of course, in the above post, I meant to put the “Demon” in quotes, not the “Dave.” Putting “Dave” in quotes made absolutely no sense. I’m so glad AICN has that convenient edit feature.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4 a.m. CST

    uhh…

    by smorgasborgnine

    *Ahem* Mr. Demon, sir? Your most extremely evil one incarnate? Jugg and Pantera talked shit/called you out to your, uh, face, is it? You see that bright, glow-ey thing in front of you? That’s a com-pu-ter monitor. It’s attatched to a big box which is connected to something called an internet where, as you are finding out today, people can slag each other anonymously. These guys, the only ones with “balls”, could very well be smaller than your movie-making accumen a/o knowledge of film per se. Notice that no one included their address/place of business/phone number. Tell you what… you’re having such a blast with all this on the site and such, get “in the ring” with one of these guys, broadcast it on AICN. Seems as if we, the talkbackers, are the only ones interested in anything you do and only so much as having a good laugh at the expense of your “movie”. Who here would like to see that? Think Harry can finagle that for the site, Vern?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:04 a.m. CST

    Oh, and thanks, fellow geeks…

    by smorgasborgnine

    “…About to be Juggfuckled” gets all kinds of laughter but my gem about “evil apples” gets nada? Tough crowd.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:10 a.m. CST

    And I cast my vote: yes.

    by jollysleeve

    I wanna know who the person is Dave is implicating. (I have no life.) Does his name rhyme with “Mage Cantone?”

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:14 a.m. CST

    was dave just teasing?

    by OneintenMan

    that’s not pure evil, it’s just slightly annoying.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:20 a.m. CST

    it’s begun…

    by smorgasborgnine

    No, not our “Demon Lover’s” eternal reign of terror. Go over to the tb about Jean-Claude’s new movie. “Jugg Fuckled” is the new pink.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:29 a.m. CST

    prediction

    by Vern

    My guess is he’s gonna say Marc Sheffler, co-producer of CHAOS, actor in LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, writer for HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS tv series and WHO’S THE BOSS. The premise I guess would be that Dave is really into his Ingmar but never saw LAST HOUSE. But Sheffler kept giving him suggestions that he still to this day doesn’t know came from LAST HOUSE. That’s just a guess though, it could be somebody else. EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT. TRUST NO ONE. THE DOORWAY IS OPEN.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:33 a.m. CST

    I think Vern just nailed it.

    by OneintenMan

    Now Dave is sitting at his computer trying to come up with a different excuse. Probably involving some dark lord.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:56 a.m. CST

    no he didn’t

    by Lost Prophet

    It was the demon himself that is responsible. There is no conspiracy theory here. Look at all his credits on the movie. Honestly, people, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:57 a.m. CST

    not always though, prophet

    by Vern

    A blunt is not really a cigar, to name one example. Also one of them exploding cigars.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 5:12 a.m. CST

    true enough, vern

    by Lost Prophet

    I would be pissed if my blunt exploded. That would be awful. Maybe Dave needs a blunt?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:40 a.m. CST

    All bullshit aside, Mr. DeFalco…

    by Frijole

    I know who is responsible for the LHOTL similarities… The REAL demon that DeFalco unleashed when CHAOS opened that doorway he mentioned earlier… See he’s not responding NOW because he can’t speak the demon’s name lest he summon it (much like Amityville’s George Lutz claimed that he dared not speak the name of the demon that had been taunting him and his family *ahem* or else it would appear and give him a zerbert or something. OK, I kid. Seriously. Mr. Dave… the truth of the matter is that you ripped off Last House. You know you ripped off Last House. You that WE know that you ripped off Last House (and the Corpses similarities to Texas Chainsaw are fucking negligible compared to the CHAOS’s similaraites to Last House- NOT The Virgin Spring… There is also the fact that the Roths and Zombies and Ajas etc… have all been VERY open in interviews and commentaries about all of their influences, from characters to plot points to specific shots… yet you continue to distance yourself from Last House). Seems the only REAL differences is that the girls are going to a rave and not a rock concert… and that the main baddie lives at the end. And that’s about it. Problem is that if you admitted that this is your take on LH and that it was unsanctioned… you’d get a lot more respect… but THEN you would open yourself up to issues of legality… Catch 22, I believe the kids call it. On top of all of that, your insinuation that film fans cannot critisize you or your persona if they can’t personally take you on physically is just asinine. And boneheaded. They’ve attacked the film (this IS after all a film site), they’ve attacked your lack of forthright in admitting to the Last House thing (again, this is a film site that digs beneath the surface and is filled with people with extensive film knowlege)… these things should be par for the course. Now it seems that your main beef is that they are attacking you (or rather your persona). So which is it? Is “Demon” Dave your real self or is it an image? If it’s your real self, and you really are too evil for the produce section… then what the fuck do you care what a bunch of film geeks think? ***SIDENOTE: Oh yeah, that reminds me of the STARK contradiction between the promotion of the movie and yourself as “evil” and “brutal” and all the “cautionary tale” (hey Austinites, anyone like Cruiserweight?)nonsense. It is one or the other. If you really were so EVIL, why would you bother warning girls not to hang out in the woods alone? Shouldn’t you be trying to LURE them out there?That contradiction negates either argument*** And do you think that your apparent ability to make squishy grease stains out of them somehow makes you a better man… or a more valid filmmaker? Come on, get real. And if the Demon really is simply an image, a gimmick… something for fun and the camp of over-theatricality… then 1) it is fine for a wrestler, but totally out of place for a director and 2) you should be used to being boo-ed and hissed… I can’t imagine that you were one of the “good guys” in your wrestling circle. So if you don’t like people mocking or calling out “The Demon”… did you actively threaten members of your WRESTLING audience? I would hope not. “BONESAW IS REEEEADY!” In all honesty I am glad that you and your boy have come here to hash this out with us (who truthfully are the main audience for a movie like this)but lets try and keep a cool head… respond thoughtfully and truthfully, ignore the over the top taunts (and stop making them yourself)… and try and make your case. No more posturing, no more skirting issues and valid questions. No more “Demon”. Let’s be civil and lets all get real. (I apologize for the rambling nature of this, though I’m sure the intention and the points are still clear… it is 7am and I haven’t had NEARLY enough coffee)

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave

    by brokebackcowboy

    I would be looking at you the wrong way on the street – it would be a look of utter pity and disgust. I might even throw a buck in your hat and you can keep that Chaos DVD. I have no qualms about looking down at someone who takes pride in filming a self-described “most brutal rape scene ever”. And that revelation you’re dying to spring on everyone is not a “plot twist”. It’s a ploy to dodge blame for plagiarizing another movie. Even Bernheim stated here that he saw LHOTL with you, probably while rubbing each other’s scrotums. Still, I’m curious to see who you’re going to shift the blame onto. It’ll prolong the reaming you guys are getting on this ‘wonderful thing’ called the Internet.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:05 a.m. CST

    Smorgasborgnine

    by brokebackcowboy

    Dude, I definitely got a guffaw from the evil apples line. But I don’t think Demon Dave goes to the supermarket. I believe he has to be fed by professional handlers.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:10 a.m. CST

    Frijole, I kind of agree

    by OneintenMan

    but not about the demon persona being “fine for a wrestler, but totally out of place for a director”. I think we need more enthusiasitc directors who don’t just stand behind a camera but try to inject their films with their ideas and personality. I quite enjoy the idea of a manic director running around the film set barechested and carrying chains screaming “THE EVIL MUST CONSUME YOU!” or whatever… assuming they can actually direct for shit in the first place. I can’t believe I’m on Dave’s side, I really feel like a traitor.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:14 a.m. CST

    This reminds me of Vanilla Ice

    by brokebackcowboy

    denying any similarity between the hooks in Ice Ice Baby and Under Pressure. Literally, he was like “no, Bowie is dum dum dum da da dum dum. And mine’s like dum dum dum da da da dum dum.” Is that is, Dave? Is that the dinstinction you’re trying to make?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:16 a.m. CST

    oneinten

    by brokebackcowboy

    “… the idea of a manic director running around the film set barechested and carrying chains screaming “THE EVIL MUST CONSUME YOU!”” I believe Woody Allen already does that.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:22 a.m. CST

    Brokeback

    by Lost Prophet

    That vanilla ice analogy was just plain rude. The demon will come for you. I would not be happy to be compared to Vanilla Ice in that way. Mind you, I am a wimp that can barely fight sleep, so you would probably be ok.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:23 a.m. CST

    Can you imagine Dave’s

    by OneintenMan

    version of Annie Hall? Awesome.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:34 a.m. CST

    LP

    by brokebackcowboy

    Does Dave sniff a man’s balls before he attacks? Maybe some Kibbles ‘N Bits and a velvet collar might calm some of that demonic rage. BWwHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:36 a.m. CST

    Oneinten

    by brokebackcowboy

    Yes, with Panterarocks starring as the ditsy Annie Hall. Not too much of a stretch there …. heheheheheee

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:40 a.m. CST

    I know I shouldn’t watch but…

    by grotesk

    … I almost have to now – with all the commotion this movie has caused. You know what I say “If you let a dog shit on the carpet, and it’ll shit on the carpet”.

    So now I either watch the movie or ignore it and wait till the shit dries up and hopefully it won’t leave a stain.

    But I’ve already spent an hour reading up on it – that should be enough of a contribution.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave: Bit of advice

    by brokebackcowboy

    When you tell people to shut the fuck up on the Internets, it only makes them talk more. Just wanna clue you in there, Fido. Laterz!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:44 a.m. CST

    you must have a deathwish, Brokeback

    by Lost Prophet

    you have insulted 2 of the 3 biggest TB contributers. All you need now is to insult Jason “Juggfuckler” Stevens, and you will be on the receiving end of a long, painful, group Juggfuckling. Christ, I have just scared myself. Just as well the internet is an anonymous medium.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 8:47 a.m. CST

    I can’t make a coherent sentence..

    by grotesk

    I’m French and tired… sorry… too early.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Holy Shit!

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    I googled juggfuckler and this is what I found

    http://juggfuckler.blogspot.com/

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:04 a.m. CST

    I’m calling Bullshit on the JuggFuckler blog

    by JimBelushi

    More than likely that is someone from this site blogging as JuggFuckler.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:09 a.m. CST

    Is David Cross JuggFuckler?

    by El_Aurens

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:16 a.m. CST

    No, jason Stevens is,

    by Lost Prophet

    He even named himself above. I call bullshit on that Blog as well. All that is in it is stuff that has been said above, without being anywhere near as funny.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:18 a.m. CST

    That aint me

    by JuggFuckler

    But it does piss me off.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:29 a.m. CST

    I can’t get it to work

    by muscelyarm

    Is that the right address?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:30 a.m. CST

    That JuggFuckler blog is bogus…

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    …and is nowhere near as “memorable” as zfisk/homewrecker’s insane travesty: http://homewrecker-returns.blogspot.com/

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:32 a.m. CST

    David Cross…is that you?

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    It wouldn’t surprise me if you were lurking on these boards looking for new material, you little imp you.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:40 a.m. CST

    maybe homewrecker did it.

    by Lost Prophet

    If so, then he’s just not trying anymore

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:41 a.m. CST

    LP

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Nah, that ain’t zfisk/homewrecker. He doesn’t write that coherently…

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 11:01 a.m. CST

    I was just hoping it was,

    by Lost Prophet

    because JuggFuckler said it pissed him off. The annoying/offensive little lunatic drives me mad, and nothing would make me happier than having him thrown to the wolves.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 11:12 a.m. CST

    I point the finger at ZombieChrisReeve…

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    He’s the one that “found” it. Juggfuckler, I give you your first suspect.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Satan…The mystery man is Satan

    by loodabagel

    See what you’ve gone and made Dave do? He’s calling upon his new steroid master to help him not get Juggfuckled!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Wouldn’t that be Homewreckler?

    by DonnieDorko

    Never mind, that didn’t make sense. Did Vern actually spoil the “Major Plot Twist Coming Up”? Seems that way. Or is it a character from the gaywrestling movie? Military Major Plottwist.. Coming up…. Noless.

    Maybe Demon Dave can make a homage to “Psycho” like Gus Van Sant? Showing that Anne Heche asshole-shot was clearly an original idea by Gus Van Sant.

    Or could someone just put a Aranofsky “Snorricam” on Demon Dave for a few weeks. Could actually be interesting. Make sure it’s waterproof though.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, noon CST

    Damnit Nice Gaius

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    Don’t you put that evil on me! What are you trying to do? Get me JUGGFUCKLED? I just googled Jason “JuggFuckler” Stevens and that’s what I got. My guess is that it’s either Demon Dave or Dangerous Dave Cross.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 12:11 p.m. CST

    It’s Wes Craven

    by jmn485

    We all know that it was Wes Craven that made them rip-off Last House. He appeared in their dreams with his finger knives and dirty black hat and scratched an outline on their chests. And all because his mother, Ingmar Bergman, was raped by a thousand maniacs.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 12:18 p.m. CST

    Did Demon Dave ever come back

    by JimBelushi

    and reveal his kickass cliffhanger? You may want to follow up on that sometime Dave. This talkback is about to bite the dust.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Ha! ZombieChrisReeve

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Just messing with you. It’s very possible that it’s Demon Dave or even SJ Bernheim. The idea that it’s Dave “I Play Hold’em Drunk” Cross is very plausible. Come on out, Dave! We know you’re surfin’ and lurkin’ here. Reveal yourself!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 12:20 p.m. CST

    I figured the WHOLE THING OUT…

    by -guyinthebackrow

    Here goes. Like Neo’s spoon… there is no Demon Dave. “Demon Dave” is actually… wait for it… Harry Fucking Knowles and Juggfuckler is actually… wait for it… some guy that calls himself Juggfuckler… okay, that parts not all that interesting, but it doesn’t end there. You see Harry’s been sad lately (it has a lot to do with Yoko being a controlfreak) but it also has to do with the simple fact that no new AICN Catchphrase has caught on in the last, long while. So, Harry asked Vern to make up a review for a fake movie (called, idiotically enough “The Chaos”… no one’s believing a writer or director would be brainless enough to give that clunker title to something they’ve probably spent some good time of their lives on) and then create a fake director/writer/pro-wrestler who would post to the talkback and call Vern out. So, in this story… Demon Dave is Harry… Vern is Vern… and Juggfuckler is himself. So Harry and Vern conspire together hoping that the AICN community will somehow create a new catchphrase of out all of this. My belief is that they were hoping for something like “You better watch out ’cause THE CHAOS is coming!” Or… “Don’t make me go DEMON DAVE on your ass!” Something like that. Instead, we talkbackers have decided on “Jugg Fuckler”. I like our choice more. In other news… “Episode 3” was the worst installment of Star Wars. IGNORE ME!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 2:46 p.m. CST

    wow

    by John Dalmas

    I was gone for two days and had no idea this erupted. Beautiful. Give JuggFuckler his own black box.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:01 p.m. CST

    I will agree with that John Dalmas

    by FordPerfect

    I think he deserved it, and why doesn’t Vern and Capone have their own black boxes?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 3:08 p.m. CST

    SPOILERS

    by Vern

    Sorry, I hope I didn’t spoil the ending. I was just trying to guess who the shadowy figure was since Dave left us in suspense. Same thing you would do during the summer of “Who Shot J.R.” or any classic cliffhanger like that. When does the new episode come on?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:30 p.m. CST

    One thing is now assured…

    by Messiahman

    And that’s the fact that no one on this talkback will be buying the CHAOS DVD.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:32 p.m. CST

    No, no, Dave! This is all wrong!

    by Childe Roland

    You started out so well, all full of testosterone and anger and some strange sort of self righteousness. You were perfect. But you went and broke character on the basis of what? The possibility that either Juggfuckler or Panterarocks might actually be bigger than you? Where is your dedication to your craft, man? You NEVER break character. It ruins the illusion. Now how am I to take your claims of hardcore evil insanity seriously? Truly hardcore insane evil wouldn’t rethink it’s stance based on a fleeting moment of self awareness (otherwise you might’ve put a shirt on in the morgue). Remember, your motivation in this scene is to make the pale, pasty would-be talkback warriors wet themselves in terror over the prospect that the anonymity of the Internet might not protect them from the righteous wrath of the Demon. You didn’t come here to explain or excuse your movie. Truly hardcore insane evil owes no explanation and makes no excuses. Vern’s played his part masterfully, pretending to appease you and extending an olive branch in a way that makes you feel like you’ve dominated him while showing the rest of us just how fucking funny and clever he is (’cause you think we forgot?), so the least you can do is stick to the fucking script. Now try again. And this time remember: You’re scary AND crazy. Annnnd go.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 4:56 p.m. CST

    Vern:

    by Tunza

    Is this the longest-running talkback ever? Just curious. I’m sure it’ll keep going so we can eagerly await DemonDave’s big “reveal”.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 6:18 p.m. CST

    The Reveal

    by AshleyMonday

    Two words….Lost Wrestling..

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 6:20 p.m. CST

    FANBOY DEATHMATCH!

    by Cadillac Jones

    Etrigan The Demon Vs. Dave “The Demon” DeFalco?

    DISCUSS!!!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 6:21 p.m. CST

    Plagiarism is a funny thing…

    by Blue_Demon

    Harlan Ellison made James Cameron put a credit acknowledging “The Works of Harlan Ellison” at the end of “The Terminator” because some passages in Cameron’s story resembled Ellison’s “Soldier” and “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream.” I think ABC also had to fork over some cash to Ellison and Ben Bova because of “literary similitude” or something like that, between an ABC tv show about a robot cop and Ellison and Bova’s “Brillo.” Methinks the only reason Craven hasn’t jumped on DeFucko legally is because he might get jumped on by Ingmar Bergman. I swear…DeFucko has entertained me more in the past day than any of his future films ever will. Oh, and Childe Roland? Freaking brilliant…as always. “Aaaaand go.” :)

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 6:38 p.m. CST

    tunza, hardly

    by chickychow

    that fuckin uwe boll went on for a long ass time. probably still is.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Goosebumps!

    by Cadillac Jones

    Let’s a steel-cage match with Demon Dave & Uwe Boll; whoever wins gets to make their wildest, shittiest flick yet!!!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:01 p.m. CST

    A Serious Question for The Demon RE: BACKLOT MURDERS

    by chickychow

    So this aint Chaos related, honestly, thats played out now.. lets turn our attention to The Backlot Murders, shall we? for those who have no idea, The Backlot Murders is your basic Scream wannabe about an awful (but supposedly “huge” or on the verge of being so) rock band shooting a music video, and subsequently being, well, backlot murdered by a trenchcoated nut sporting what I’m pretty sure is an Elvis mask.. Corey Haim is one of the band members (doing his best “Hi I’m Corey Haim and I’m very very gay” impersonation), Charles “Roger Rabbit” Fleischer is the director of the video and Pricilla Barnes is their manager or agent or whoever the fuck.. the movie is by no means meanspirited or disturbing, actually there are a couple of (intentionally) funny little moments…but the shocking thing about this movie is that it takes place on the UNIVERSAL STUDIOS backlot. The music video is being shot on one of The Lost World’s sets, one sequence has the balls to take place outside of Norman Bates’s house, another sequence is on an ER soundstage (there are others which I cant recall right now). I guess my question to “Dumpy” David (is that what we’re callin him now?) is How in the sam hell did you get permission to shoot there? did you body slam the CEO? did you threaten shareholders that you’d open the doorway to all evil – conjuring images in their minds that probably involved you taking your pants off? I have to know, i’ve wondered this ever since i saw that silly flick…

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:08 p.m. CST

    It is off the front page, but it will always be…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    number 1 in our hearts… Now close the DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL, cause there is a draft…

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:10 p.m. CST

    Some slap a tampon on Demon Dave…..

    by Thumper2k1

    because that pussy is running.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:23 p.m. CST

    Lost Prophet

    by brokebackcowboy

    Dude I would never diss on JuggFuckler. He’s a real man who uses his strength for good, not evil. He’s righteous.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:24 p.m. CST

    tampon-slapping

    by Cadillac Jones

    Used ones sticky better, or so I’m told…did I just accidently reopen the doorway to TRUE EVIL?

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 7:27 p.m. CST

    brokebackcowboy…

    by Cadillac Jones

    A Juggfuckler motion picture would sell gajillions better than Superman Retarded. I lobby for a Juggfuckler flick! Who’s with me? So long as we keep Bryan “Pride-Flag” Singer away from it we’ll be okay!

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:20 p.m. CST

    Cadillac Jones

    by brokebackcowboy

    Cadillac: I second that motion. JuggFuckler: Demon Slayer. Now that’s a movie I can pay to see.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:49 p.m. CST

    anchorite

    by chickychow

    but using actual sets from other movies? we’re not talking pinewood here, a blank slate. they call attention to these places constantly in the flick. i’m willing to bet that money did not get them access, but connections of some kind. what i desire is who, WHO do these people know.

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 10:53 p.m. CST

    …Cuz I Really Wanna Know…

    by Cadillac Jones

    …who-who, who-who…

  • Aug. 30, 2006, 11:17 p.m. CST

    On a side-note…

    by Cadillac Jones

    Clearly I am a superior man to Pokemon Dave as I dated a girl with hairy nipples 10 years ago. Granted, I made the bitch shave ’em…but still. TOP THAT DEMON DAVE!!! *FLEX* THE FUTURE OF LASER HAIR REMOVAL!!! RIGHT HERE!!! *FLEX*

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 3:28 a.m. CST

    Tunza

    by Vern

    There have been much longer running talkbacks (including Megatron Transformables right now) but this is probaly MY longest running talkback. And probaly one of the few to involve so many serious wrestling challenges. This is also one of the first talkbacks to open the doorway to true evil, I believe the last time that happened was by accident during an obscure talkback about the trailer for Cradle 2 the Grave. Sadly, I’m afraid this historic talkback might fade away if a gust of wind blows the door to true evil shut before Dave reveals the plot twist. I know I gotta respect his experimental use of pacing here but I hope he doesn’t leave us hanging. Unless THAT is the surprise ending, that we never get to find out who the mystery man is.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:05 a.m. CST

    Plot Twist Revealed

    by Demon Dave

    If you feel “Chaos” is too similar to “Last House On The Left” then there is one other guy besides myself and Bernheim you need to blame. And that person is…”Last House On The Left’s” own, Marc Sheffler the co-writer of “Chaos”. You see I hired Marc Sheffler to re-write the original script for “Chaos” that I wrote. He was originally supposed to have a co-writer credit on the film, but ended up not getting it because Bernheim never went WGA. Sheffler is WGA, so he didn’t get the credit. Maybe, that worked out just as well for him with all the plagarism accusations we’ve gotten. Frankly, in my opinion, “Last House” is an insignificant part of “Chaos”. What is significant is that we captured real EVIL on film. And anyone that sees the movie will ultimately agree with me. Furthermore, it has led me to what will be the most important movie I do, “The Devil’s Doorway”. It has led me to the realization of how evil gets into people’s lives. And, I could not have done it without the help of the coroner, Michael A. Cormier. You can laugh and joke about it all you want. I’m sure that is how Satan would prefer it anyway. Laugh all the way to the coroner’s crypt… the Demon 666

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:27 a.m. CST

    that’s right dave

    by Lost Prophet

    spread the blame. Damn it, vern was right. I actually want to see this film now- and I don’t particularly like LHOTL.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:32 a.m. CST

    hmm

    by DonnieDorko

    One “The Devil’s Doorways Rejects” coming up I see. Based on the unoriginal Idea of ripping off movies. I don’t think the Demon drinks decaf.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:43 a.m. CST

    and how is a plagiarised version

    by Lost Prophet

    of a pretty crappy original “capturing true evil” on film? please explain.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:49 a.m. CST

    thanks Dave

    by Vern

    I thought you were gonna leave us hanging. I don’t know what to say about that revelation. Does Sheffler think he ripped off Last House? Do you think he did? What was your script about before he rewrote it into Last House? Also I have a question about the Devil’s Doorway meth theory. Mr. Cormier says that he kept studying brutal crimes and the toxicology tests came up that they had been using methamphetamines. Does this mean that the *victims* are the ones on meth? The people who were chopped up? That’s what it sounds like. So when they are possessed by the demons are they chopping up other people, or just themselves? Also, do you think this movie will capture more, less, or equal amount of true evil as CHAOS? Anyway thanks again Dave, it was cool of you to come here and answer our questions as well as terrorize us, etc. This was probaly the most fun talkback I ever saw. Good luck with the new movie, I’ll try not to hate it.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 5:21 a.m. CST

    thank you Vern

    by Demon Dave

    As I’ve always stated, it was my idea to do an updated “Virgin Spring” definitely inspired by “Last House”. But between myself, Bernheim and Sheffler I am the least educated so if I was ripping off “Last House” without realizing it, you’d think Bernheim (Harvard cum lad grad) and Sheffler (college grad and TV writer) would have caught it. Anyway, what’s done is done. But, I still think Chaos was essential for me to get to Doorway. If this fun talkback keeps going I would love to answer the rest of your questions about it. I think this one you will definitely find very interesting and very original. But, right now the Demon is going to bed. Goodnight.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 5:30 a.m. CST

    Last!

    by Tunza

    Wait, do we do that? Or just first? ;-)

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 6:41 a.m. CST

    “Right now the Demon is going to bed.”

    by jollysleeve

    I think this entire talkback was worth it, just to hear that phrase. I hope Mr. DeFalco participates in more Talkbacks, if only so he can drop the occasional similar sentence. (“The Demon loves fresh pesto.” Or maybe, “The Demon was really busy today exploring the ways of Satan and further opening the gateway to pure evil–but he had to take a break because the Golden Girls was on.”)

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 6:48 a.m. CST

    fuck it Dave,

    by Lost Prophet

    youve convinced me. Any self confessed prince of darkness that can admit to curling up with a cup of cocoa is clearly man enough to wrench open the door to pure evil in his next attempt. Provided you’ve learnt enough from making chaos.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 7:04 a.m. CST

    unconvinced… until now

    by OneintenMan

    I have expressed my disappointment with this talkback before, but Vern’s “do you think this movie will capture more, less, or equal amount of true evil than CHAOS?” pulled it back. Sheer genius. Vern, how can I be more like you?

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 7:32 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave, you are too precious

    by brokebackcowboy

    I wish you’d be more of a dick but goddamit, you are simply just a precious little demon. And a very slow typist. Check out mavisbeacon.com before going through that evil door. Looks like JuggFuckler, in one swift stroke (Copyright: Grand Moff Tarkin), tamed that great demon that roared into AICN seeking to devour (or more accurately, rub naked sweaty flesh against) Vern. Anyway, I also hope you’ll stick around and give us reports from the dark side. And share your thoughts about the Megatron design, which is apparently more evil than Chaos.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 7:48 a.m. CST

    LIKE BRIGHT MORNING SUNSHINE…

    by Frijole

    This talkback must live. I’ve come to depend on it as a morning pick-me-up. I don’t know what I’ll do without it.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 7:59 a.m. CST

    Jollysleeve

    by brokebackcowboy

    Dude, I also want to read more from Dave. I’m curious to know if Satanic Demons also suffer from common afflictions like diarrhea and seasonal allergies. And how he goes about matching the right chains with the right shirts.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 8:04 a.m. CST

    This little demon went to market…

    by DonnieDorko

    I think it’s annoying when someone is referring to themselves in third person. But to refer to yourself in third demon. That’s just true evil.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 8:27 a.m. CST

    and this little demon stayed at home

    by Lost Prophet

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 8:28 a.m. CST

    this little demon had

    by Lost Prophet

    RAW HUMAN FLESH- and tore open the door to ultimate evil with his bare hands. I am glad that worked. It would have been shit if it was out of sync

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 10:24 a.m. CST

    “right now the Demon is going to bed”

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    But I thought that true evil never sleeps!

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 11:58 a.m. CST

    Don’t make fun

    by Vern

    The bed could be right next to the door. Or hell, it could be ON THE OTHER SIDE of the door. What I’m saying is that this could be the bed to true evil, you don’t know. So lay off. By the way, I hope more people will add some questions for The Demon so the talkback will exist in this realm long enough for him to answer some of them.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 12:05 p.m. CST

    It may turn out to be just a summer fling…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    But I am soooo in love with this thread… Also, no offence to the jugg fuckled one, but the catchphrase “right now the Demon is going to bed” has so much more potential… Beware, DO NOT OPEN the DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL… Oh, you are OK, that was the broom closet… Right now the Demon is going to get a quote from Geico, I should be back in 15 minutes or less…

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 12:13 p.m. CST

    OK, I’ll start…

    by OneintenMan

    Dave, do you sleep nude or do you wear pajamas/boxers? I’m a boxers man myself. Anyone else want to answer, that’s fine by me.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 12:44 p.m. CST

    boxers

    by grotesk

    I tried sleeping in the nude, but my asscrack gets really sweaty and then I usually get a weird burning skin rash… but I don’t know if that has anything to do with sleeping nude.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 12:54 p.m. CST

    sweaty asscrack

    by PietjePuk

    THAT’S true evil! Let this talkback live forever!

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 1:37 p.m. CST

    Satan here…

    by The_Morningstar

    I can vouch for Dave “The Demon” as the epitome of true evil. His “journey” led to my summer home in Hades (last on the left, incidentally). He said he wanted to show me what he was capable of and promptly walked to my guest bathroom. Needless to say, his proclivity for TRUE EVIL came from a place much deeper than I had anticipated. I willingly place him in the leagues of Hitler, Ghengis Khan, and, ironically, Juggfuckler as the MOST EVIL PERSON IN HISTORY! Oh and, spoiler, he goes commando… ;)

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 1:43 p.m. CST

    I once saw JuggFuckler wrestle a polar bear

    by ZombieChrisReeve

    to the mutha fuckin ground! He then drank a galon of gin and had sex with my wife.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 1:58 p.m. CST

    Okay… a run through of AICN catchprases…

    by -guyinthebackrow

    … with Jugg Fuckling included!

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 1:58 p.m. CST

    TOO JUGG FUCKLING SOON!!!

    by -guyinthebackrow

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Dead Jugg Fuckled Deer!

    by -guyinthebackrow

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 2 p.m. CST

    The sexiest, tomboy, Jugg Fuckler on the planet!

    by -guyinthebackrow

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 2:01 p.m. CST

    Gordon has a beer and Jugg Fuckles his wife!

    by -guyinthebackrow

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 2:01 p.m. CST

    All Your Jugg Fucklers Are Belong To Us!

    by -guyinthebackrow

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 2:03 p.m. CST

    That’s all I’ve got…

    by -guyinthebackrow

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 2:07 p.m. CST

    with Hulk Hogan as the JuggFuckler

    by JimBelushi

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 2:07 p.m. CST

    or is that JuggFuckler as the baddie

    by JimBelushi

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:35 p.m. CST

    the kinder, gentler Demon Dave sez…

    by chickychow

    “I have opened the doorway to true evil!! Never before has man or beast- hey, wait a- my brownies are burning! daaangit! Ah here I am, standing in the middle of the kitchen with tights on, flexing my muscles menacingly and growling to no one in particular and my goddarn borwnies are all crispy!Man, I just want to cozy up in my EVIL sleeping bag with my teddy bear FROM HELL and forget about the whole silly EVIL thing…”

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:49 p.m. CST

    True Evil is…

    by AshleyMonday

    The smell of Old Spice in the morning.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 4:56 p.m. CST

    Okay Dave, here’s a question

    by BloodReign

    What’s the history of the script for Chaos? How did you come up with the idea and how did it evolve before Marc Sheffler got hold of it to rewrite it? What exactly did he change in the original script?

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 5:18 p.m. CST

    guyinthebackrow

    by brokebackcowboy

    Try this one too – when you see someone getting owned really bad, dig in with …. “Dayam, biotch!! Not only did your ass get pwned, it got JuggFuckled too, sucka bitch!” Hee …

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 5:20 p.m. CST

    Also Dave

    by BloodReign

    Did you and S Bernheim watch Last House On The LEft at your house before or after Chaos was shot?

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 5:20 p.m. CST

    guyinthebackrow

    by brokebackcowboy

    I think I’m gonna try that in one of the TF TBs … will report on the reaction, if any …

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 5:27 p.m. CST

    guyinthebackrow

    by brokebackcowboy

    I just used that line in the Megatron TB on Don Murphy. If you can back me up there with more JuggFuckling references that would help spread the word. Thanks.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 6:43 p.m. CST

    I got your back cowboy

    by muscelyarm

    Let the Jugg Fuckling begin!

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 9:59 p.m. CST

    Thanks Mucleyarm

    by brokebackcowboy

    The viral dispersion of Jugg Fuckle was successfully diffused in the Megatron and Megatron Has a Big Fucking Gun TBs.

  • Aug. 31, 2006, 11:01 p.m. CST

    Question for David “The Demon”

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 1:46 a.m. CST

    Good Question, Blood Reign

    by Demon Dave

    The original script I wrote still had the same storyline of girls getting raped and killed followed by the parents seeking revenge. I can barely remember the original draft but it definitely needed some work. That’s why I hired Marc Sheffler. Don’t you think he should have been more conscious of ripping off “Last House”? We worked on the script for about six months before it went into production. Oh, and to answer your question Mr. Nice Gaius. I didn’t know I was going to Heaven’s Gates. I thought I might be going more South of Heaven. the Demon

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 1:57 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave

    by brokebackcowboy

    Hey dude, wassup. Did you read the news today, in Connecticut, a father of a child who was molested by a neighbor (next door, I believe) stabbed that neighbor multiple times and killed him. It was a sad story. I heard the police confirmed the molestation charge, but I can’t find a substantiated article. I find it tragic and sad that this all happened. Here is the article … http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/08/31/neighbor.stabbing.ap/

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 2 a.m. CST

    It’s too bad he didn’t get credited

    by Vern

    ’cause you could’ve had “from the writer of Who’s the Boss” on the cover, right below the out of context Roger Ebert quote. By the way, when do you expect The Devil’s Doorway to start filming? Will it be soon or is it a way’s off? After all this over Chaos I’m looking forward to see what you do next. Also I was curious, what are some of your favorite movies besides Virgin Spring? And how do you feel about the current state of horror films? Thanks Dave.

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 2:03 a.m. CST

    Hey, it’s Vern and the Demon together!

    by brokebackcowboy

    What are you guys in California? Why do you come on so late?!

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 2:04 a.m. CST

    And I mentioned that article

    by brokebackcowboy

    because it was a real life revenge killing. No bells and whistles – just some sad human tragedy …

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 2:29 a.m. CST

    Late Night with Demon Dave Letterman

    by Demon Dave

    Sheffler was supposed to get co-writing credit as I mentioned before. The only reason he didn’t end up getting the credit was because the movie didn’t go WGA. It would have been interesting to see what would have happened had he got that credit. Regarding your comment about the Ebert quote being used out of context: I don’t agree with you there. He stated the movie strongly affected him in his review and that the movie worked (I’m assuming for what it was) I believe from his review that he didn’t like the movie because he didn’t like the message that evil was triumphant. I think that’s what started the whole debate with him. To answer your other questions, I am a huge fan of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. In fact, when I was a little Demon I actually chase the neighborhood kids around with a real chainsaw. Other movies I like include: Goodfellas-The Exorcist-The Crow-Casino-Dawn of the Dead-those are some of my favorites-I’m working on putting together the budget for Doorway right now. I’m thinking it will have a pretty big budget. Hope to shoot by next year, more than likely. I think the current state of horror films is pretty lame. Although, I did like Devil’s Rejects. I can’t stand all the CGI commercial crap like The Mummy. That’s why I tried to shake things up with Chaos. Finally, I didn’t hear about that murder, Brokeback. But, I try to keep up on all that stuff. Nothing is more brutal than real life.

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Hey Demon…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    If I get Wes Craven to direct my script about a sometime wrestler and a coroner teaming up to fight demons who inhabit bodies via the use of a drug, will you sue him?

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 2:43 a.m. CST

    The Crow?

    by DonnieDorko

    “The room is starting to spin… because of the gayness…”

    And I’m pretty sure “the Mummy” isn’t supposed to be a horror movie..

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 3:59 a.m. CST

    Demon TalkBack

    by Demon Dave

    Hey Alonzo…I’ve never sued anyone in my life. If I have a problem with someone, I settle it in the street. And Donnie…if you mention the word gay again, I’m going to track you down, cut your nipple off and shove it up your ass! Anybody heard from Vern lately?

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 4:21 a.m. CST

    I take it you are a big Scorcese fan then, Dave?

    by Lost Prophet

    What do you think of The Descent? or is it too removed from “real life” for you. I am still chuckling over the image of a little demon terrorising the other neighbourhood armed with only cardboard cloven hooves, a red cape and a plastic chainsaw. That is some funny shit.

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 4:24 a.m. CST

    That was so gay..

    by DonnieDorko

    “your nipple”? Do you only have one nipple? I have two. And you couldn’t choose something less gay than a manboob-nipple and a mans anus? Maybe time to come out of the gateway? Of True Evil? Is it your closet?

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 4:40 a.m. CST

    no, I think he means that he is only going to

    by Lost Prophet

    leave you with one- because it is more evil to make you into a uni-nippled freak. Still, this is the most fun TB here at the moment

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 6:16 a.m. CST

    Has anyone played the Monkey Island computer games?

    by jollysleeve

    Because I’m getting a real ‘Murray the Skull’ vibe here. Delightfully so.

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 7:14 a.m. CST

    I just finished my dissertation

    by OneintenMan

    I don’t know why, but i wanted to share that with dave.

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 7:50 a.m. CST

    Joy!

    by JimBelushi

    Joy! I want this talkback to go on forever. Last night I was certain that it was about to end. I was staring at my monitor, listening to

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 7:52 a.m. CST

    OneintenMan

    by JimBelushi

    Was it an evil dissertation? No, seriously, what was it on? Or would that blow your talkback anonimity?

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Ahhh Demon, sorry it was Bernheim tried to sue you…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    I remembered it the other way around… Anyway, what is all this about dissertations? That is not the way to TRUE EVIL… And besides, real people would gain their higher degree in the street… Right now the Demon is going to the post office to see if they have those DC superhero stamps…

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 6:12 p.m. CST

    Demon Dave – a question?

    by Cadillac Jones

    Don’t you think it would be TRUE GOOD (EVIL in this case) to have The Devil’s Gateway end on a positive, less-Nihilistic view? Y’know…since…you’d get more audience and more reciepts and and even bigger budget for your next go-around when you can fully open, not just a Doorway to True Evil, but, like, THE STARGATE of TRUE EVIL? Just sayin’…besides…we like it when the good guy’s win sometimes. Also – maybe you could be the one direct “This Present Darkness?” You’d like it, even though its Christian Literature; its about an assload of demons who show up in a small town to fight an assload of angels. I’m no churchy, but its a damn good read filled with all the things Demon Dave would like! If you decide to actually read it, becareful Demon Dave, because you might have to go to a Christian bookstore to track down a copy and I wouldn’t want you to burst into hellfire upon setting foot in one (it happened to me once, not fun).

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 6:18 p.m. CST

    One other question, Double-D…

    by Cadillac Jones

    Was this you?

    http://www.spartechsoftware.com/dimensions/creatures/DevilsFootprints.htm

    Just curious because if it wasn’t, someone opened the door a tad early…

  • Sept. 1, 2006, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Vern is AFK

    by AshleyMonday

    ….seemingly on hiatus from this talkback…

  • Sept. 2, 2006, 1:42 a.m. CST

    What does AFK stand for

    by Vern

    because whatever it is, I’m not it. I actually thought the talkback had died because it wasn’t on the top talkbacks chart over there. But I checked in and here it is. (Where’s Juggfuckler, though?) Dave, the reason I said the Ebert quote was out of context was because he put quotes on “works.” In context the quote is: “to the degree that we are repelled by the killers and feel pity for the victims, the movie ‘works.’ It works, all right, but I’m with Ed Gonzalez: Why do we need this s–t?” But you’re right, he doesn’t necessarily seem to be saying it *doesn’t* work. If I were you I would’ve actually used the part where he says “DeFalco directs with a crude, efficient gusto, as a man with an ax makes short work of firewood.” Anyway, thanks for answering my questions about horror. Texas Chain Saw Massacre is my favorite horror movie of all time. Good choice on that one. And I agree, Devil’s Rejects is one of the best recent horror movies, and I can see why you like it. (Good to see Bill Moseley from Texas Chainsaw 2 back in action.) I love your story about chasing the neighborhood kids with the chain saw. I wonder if any of those kids saw Ebert’s review and said, “I *knew* Dave DeFalco would pull some shit like that some day. He used to chase me into the treehouse and saw up my GI Joes and shit.” Anyway, thanks again Dave, good luck opening the doorway.

  • Sept. 2, 2006, 9:22 a.m. CST

    AFK = Away From Keyboard

    by brokebackcowboy

    Vern, never be AFK.

  • Sept. 2, 2006, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Demon Dave Is A Queef Sniffing Juggfuckled Bitch

    by The Ender

    You fucking Hack little bitch. Steroid infested cock bludegeoning fucking Butch Dyke Motherfucker. I’d BET all I have that Juggfuckler Would Make you cry like the cunt shaped dickwitted throat gagging DICKFUCK that you are. How dare you disrespect the memory of peoples lost loved ones by flexing your fucking spray on tanned protein shaked faggot ass “muscles” around their corpses. YOU SICK FUCKING ASSHOLE! Why dont you stick to things you are good at, like pushups, or sitting on Uwe Bolls Face while he eats out your asshole, YOU FUCKING CUNT! I hope the coroner JUGGFUCKLES THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR PASTY CORPSE YOU BAG OF BLOODY BUSLLSHITTING FUCK FACED BITCH!

  • Sept. 2, 2006, 11:19 a.m. CST

    AND ALSO, DICKFUCK DAVE, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING CUNT!

    by The Ender

  • Sept. 2, 2006, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Vern By The Way, That Was The Best Review I’ve Read

    by The Ender

    On this site in a very long time. Well done. I laughed almost as much as I cried when i read Juggfuckler’s response to DickFuck Dave. I’d love to see him go toe to toe with Tony Jaa, now that’s a movie I would fucking pay for. Some hack director fucktard vs. Tony Jaa’s Knee to the throat!

  • Sept. 2, 2006, 12:05 p.m. CST

    And Demon Dave

    by DonnieDorko

    While you’re here in Sweden tracking me down, why don’t visit Bergman and discuss how much you liked.. eeeh.. your own movie and how glad you are that the movie you ripped off, ripped off another movie.. Have you honestly seen “The Virgin Spring”?

    Well, hope you enjoy the smorgardsbords and have a nice stay in Sweden.. I think you’ll find a couple of gay bars here as well.. (Yup, Internet is bigger than the east coast nowadays)

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 12:25 p.m. CST

    hey DD

    by Kingsac

    I was wondering if you could perhaps direct a script im working on, it’s about a post apocolytic world recently overan by zombies! It features a small group of diverse characters brought together by the horror who seek refuge in of all places a shopping mall!

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 2:37 p.m. CST

    test

    by SJ Bernheim

    can’t seem to post for some reason. . .

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 2:40 p.m. CST

    oh, okay. Anyhow, VERN —

    by SJ Bernheim

    Dave is right. The Ebert quote on the DVD box is not out of context.

    As you know, Ebert wrote, in response to the letter I wrote him, an essay of several thousand words about our movie (almost as long as your review). The first sentence of an essay that long should, imho, be given exceptional weight in determining the writer’s overall view point.

    Ebert’s first sentence was: “Your film does ‘work,’ and as filmmakers you have undeniable skills and gifts.”

    Clearly, Ebert was not putting quotes around “work” to take anything away from the positive implications of that word, as evidenced by the second clause of his first sentence: “. . . and as filmmakers you have undeniable skills and gifts.”

    Ebert meant his comment that the film “works” to be a positive one, taken in the ordinary sense of the word. Which is how it appears on the box.

    I hand selected all of the quotes from critics myself. I spent a lot of time assuring myself that the quotes were NOT taken out of context – probably more time than most of the mainstream Hollywood folks would take, imho.

    The fact is that Ebert thought the film does work, that it is technically proficient, and effective, though he also thinks it is pointless, nihilistic and cruel.

    Ebert’s view contrasts sharply with those critics who claim they think the film was poorly made.

    His view also contrasts sharply with your own, Vern, in that it is plain that Ebert, though he despises the film, could care less about whether or not it is a “ripoff” of Last House on the Left. In all of the thousands of words he has written about it, and his various disagreements with it, never once does the most prominent critic in the world give a rat’s a_s whether it is a derivitive work or not.

    Rather, he reviews it – attacks it – praises it in spots – ALL ON ITS OWN MERIT.

    Food for thought, no?

    Respectfully,

    SJ Bernheim

    Producer

    Chaos

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 2:58 p.m. CST

    Revisions to script, VIrgin Spring, etc.

    by SJ Bernheim

    Regarding further questions.

    I, personally, have watched The Virgin Spring in its entirety. And as I mentioned, I have not seen the middle part of LHOTL.

    I, personally, did extensive work on the revisions to the script, as did Sheffler. In fact, I once fell asleep while working on it on the sofa at Bobbi Billard’s house (yes, THAT Bobbi Billard), and it fell into a candle that Bobbi had lit next to the sofa, which charred part of the script.

    Dave had originally written a character named JUNIOR into the script, who was sort of a mongoloid type. JUNIOR made it as far as some of the early casting calls, and once we heard actors read the part, it was so goofy I could hardly contain myself in the readings.

    I hacked that part out myself.

    One of the cops (the racist) was loosely based on a real cop Dave knew as a kid, but the original dialogue Dave wrote for that character just didn’t ring true to me, so I rewrote that as well.

    All the baseball references in the movies are Sheffler’s, as he is a big baseball fan.

    The foot bridge in the film was supposed to represent the point of no return for the girls, and was written into the script because it was found on the principal shooting location we used.

    I also take complete exception, incidentally to the charges of “goofiness” relating to the ending.

    Examine what happens:

    Chaos kills Daisy because she pisses him off and he enjoys wreaking chaotic, murderous mayhem. He uses the dad’s shotgun. The dad has killed Frankie the sidekick with a chainsaw.

    When the two cops enter, they enter with weapons drawn. To them, the scene appears as follows:

    1. A guy they know, whose daughter is probably dead, is standing over the probable killer with a shotgun in his hand.

    2. Another gangmember is lying dead from a shotgun blast. (Daisy)

    3. Another gangmember is lying dead, sporting a gory torso wound.

    4. The guy holding the shotgun has a crazed look on his face. In an instant he could pull the trigger and execute the suspect lying on the ground. In an instant, he could unpredictably point the shotgun at a cop or at his wife and pull the trigger.

    4. The cop gives an order to drop the gun.

    5. The man holding the shotgun does not comply.

    6. The cop gives a second order to drop the gun.

    7. The man again does not comply.

    8. The cop drops the man holding the gun.

    Every single law enforcement officer I have shown this scene to has told me that this cop exactly did what police procedure calls for under that set of circumstances. You can’t argue with it. If you are standing near dead bodies who have died from shotgun blasts. If you are holding a loaded shotgun. And if you twice ignore a police instruction to drop the shotgun, they WILL drop you. Period.

    Now, the next thing that happens is that the wife gets pissed off. Her daughter is dead. A racist cop has just shot her husband. In a moment of extreme duress and passion, she shoots the cop. She just doesn’t care anymore.

    The bad guy then takes the opportunity to shoot the other cop.

    What is so goofy about all that? Is it goofier than the last scene in Scarface?

    Yes, it is CHAOTIC. Which is, n part, why the movie is called CHAOS.

    I welcome any responses.

    Respectfully,

    SJ Bernheim,

    Producer,

    CHAO

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Revoke my TV credentials if you will…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    But I am gaining a grudging respect for both Demon Dave and Bernheim…

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 4:24 p.m. CST

    That was supposed to read TB credentials…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Now I look retarded…

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 4:25 p.m. CST

    Steven

    by Vern

    Okay, I guess you’re right about the quotation marks on “works” that you took out of Ebert’s quote, but you have to admit that it has a different ring to it when you include what he said after that (“Who needs this shit?”) Anyway I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of the quote, I actually thought it was really funny you used it on the front, like a little friendly jab at Mr. Ebert by using his words to promote a movie he hated so much. As for the end of the movie though, I can’t change the fact that it made me laugh. I am surprised to hear that the police officers you talked to really believe they would shoot a personal friend between the eyes for pointing a gun at the fugitive serial killer who raped and killed his daughter, but that’s really beside the point. The goofiness comes from the unavoidable comparisons between CHAOS and LAST HOUSE. I know you guys have never seen LAST HOUSE all the way through so you don’t know, but to the rest of us the parallels are inescapable. So we happen to take note of the few parts that ARE drastically different and consider how those changes represent the director or writer’s interpretation of the story. In Craven’s version – which also (coincidentally) has a husband, a wife, some killers, two cops, guns and a chain saw in a house – the parents get their revenge on the killers. Of course the audience is rooting for the parents and getting some sense of catharsis out of it just like any revenge movie. But the way they do it is so brutal that we are left wondering what this has accomplished, how these civilized people were turned so quickly into savages, and if the same could happen to us. You could easily read it as a commentary on violence and retribution – Vietnam, capital punishment, you name it – but more importantly it just works for the characters, showing how the tragedy has been compounded by the way it has not only taken their daughter from them but caused them to turn to the “true evil” that Dave talks about, leaving them doubly scarred forever. It’s not that much more of a happy ending than CHAOS (you could even argue that it’s less happy) but it leaves you with a whole hell of a lot more to think about. That’s why even Roger Ebert, who has a problem with violence in movies that I don’t, respects LAST HOUSE and gave it 3 1/2 stars. Because it’s ABOUT something. To me you took a somewhat profound story, cut off the meaningful part and replaced it with “this guy is EVIL and dude it’s FUCKED UP!” Note the EVIL cackling. That’s why I didn’t like the ending, but I’m glad you guys are happy with it. Thanks for responding again Steven, I appreciate the discussion.

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 4:37 p.m. CST

    to Steven part 2

    by Vern

    By the way, I forgot to mention that in both THE VIRGIN SPRING and the 13th or 14th century ballad that it was inspired by, the father kills the killers, asks God for forgiveness, and decides to build a church to atone for his sins. In THE VIRGIN SPRING you even have the “virgin spring” itself, which seems to be a sign from God that they can wash away their guilt, which I guess is the hope that Ebert was looking for and not finding in CHAOS. Since you guys have not seen LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT or know what it’s about, but did (according to Dave) base the script on the VIRGIN SPRING story, I wonder why you chose to use the whole build up but then take out the meaningful part it’s building toward? That’s what bugged me. But in the interest of world peace, brotherhood and understanding, I will say that I did like the rope bridge you mentioned. That was a good touch.

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 5:01 p.m. CST

    As for what you said about Roger Ebert

    by Vern

    I can tell you exactly why Ebert didn’t focus on being a ripoff of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT like I did. I am more of a horror fan than Ebert is. He liked LAST HOUSE but I’m willing to bet he hasn’t seen it since 1972. I’ve seen it more recently, so it’s harder to miss the parallels. Also, while Ebert occasionally hits it right on the head for this type of movie (I loved his positive DEVIL’S REJECTS review; I think he liked HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER) I disagree with him on alot of the more violent horror movies where he tends to go into moral crusader mode. For him CHAOS “”works”” but he’s offended that you showed such sick things on film. For me, I wouldn’t mind so much about the disgustingness if the movie “””worked””” better. So we’re not really in agreement. It’s not the first time though. He also gave zero stars to WOLF CREEK which I think is a better executed version of the same kind of balls-to-the-wall, not meaningful slasher movie you guys made, and one that doesn’t feel like a rerun. But Ebert said “there is a line and this movie crosses it.” His zero-star review of the remake of TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE kind of made me mad because it was all about how the movie was violent and pessimistic, and then he barely touched on the hundreds of reasons why it doesn’t work as a horror movie or why the filmatists missed what was great about the original. (I bet The Demon would agree with me on that one.) I think Ebert had been wrong about this kind of thing for decades, in fact as a spin-off of my CHAOS review I’m currently writing about I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, and it’s funny to go back and see how much Gene and Roger missed the boat on that movie. They not only misunderstood the movie, but then their reviews caused it to be pulled from theaters. So yes, Roger Ebert is cool, he wrote BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, I sure hope he gets well soon, but I don’t feel too bad about my review of CHAOS coming from a different perspective than his. p.s. Somebody better start juggfuckling or something or this talkback will bite it for real.

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 7:20 p.m. CST

    Alonzo…

    by keepcoolbutcare

    Herc’s revoked your tv tb credentials enough times already…

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 8:05 p.m. CST

    Hope

    by AshleyMonday

    That’s a big thing for me in a non-zombie horror film: hope. There has to be some kind of hope for the protagonists or the redemption of the antagonists. If this isn’t there than what is difference between watching someone slice someone from anus to vagina in a fictional movie, or watching someone actually slice someone from anus to vagina? I can handle alot of really messed up stuff if its done with levity. I didn’t like Irr

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 8:59 p.m. CST

    Vern

    by brokebackcowboy

    I’ve been juggfuckling myself to Giada DeLaurentiis on the Food Network and the issue of Stuff mag with Ivanka Trump. That’s my little contribution to extending this TB.

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 9:11 p.m. CST

    Bernheim Shut The Fuck Up You Hack

    by The Ender

    I’ve got a short film in Steven Spielberg’s contest that fuckin’ destroys anything you dispicable pricks could ever conjure. You suck, and you’ll never be succesful. Why? Because I wholeheartedly believe you guys are complete assholes. To take pride in a film that brags about its brutal rape scenes, and has (to quote myself) a spray on tanned steroid infested fucktard flexing his gayness inside of a morgue. Where peoples dead loved ones who died tragically lay? FUCK YOU GUYS! No seriously, fuck all of you cunts. Total assholes. And your “skills”, are absolute Fuck All. Cunts!

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 9:15 p.m. CST

    Oh, And Please Feel Free To Welcome My Response

    by The Ender

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 10 p.m. CST

    Steven Spielberg hates it when people misspell…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    …”despicable”… Only kidding, I am sure your script is superb and cures herpes simplex 1 & 2… However has it OPENED the DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL? Right now the Demon is going to pay his bills…. Oh, and shout out to KeepCool… Keep on rocking in the free world, buddy…

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 11:06 p.m. CST

    Is it me, or is Vern holding hands with Dave And Sj now

    by chickychow

    This TB has gone from TRUE EVIL to… a kind’ve a lame back-and-forth discussing, um, lest we forget CHAOS!!!!… Dear Demon, won’t you threaten someone with a suplex or sleeper hold of some sort?

  • Sept. 3, 2006, 11:08 p.m. CST

    The Ender…

    by chickychow

    way to quote yourself, buddy. Makes your post a lot more legitimate. Can I quote you on “Fuck. All. Cunts!” I thought that was a fine finish..

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 2:56 a.m. CST

    Juggfuckler NEEDED NOW

    by SJ Bernheim

    You are all correct. We need to forget all of the literary handholding. It is clear we have established that there is an intelligent point of view to CHAOS, whether or not it is accepted.

    More important is the GRUDGE MATCH between Demon Dave and Juggfuckler. I spoke to Demon Dave at my house tonight (no, we were not getting romantic, just breaking bread) and prodded him about his rather half-hearted response to the Juggfuckler challenge.

    Now, what some of you may not know is that Dave has not actually fought a match; he has just sparred.

    But I said, look, we have to get this going and I will rent a venue (I thought of the Olympic Gardens in downtown LA) or whatever is suitable at my expense.

    But we need to get this going NOW. Either Dave and JuggF fight in a mixed-martial arts – no – holds – barred contest, or whichever of them refuses, is a homo.

    I have put up the purse – a whole $250. I need to know available nights from each of them. Here on this TB. I need to know if they will appear in LA in September. I will arrange the rest.

    Respectfully,

    MISTER BERNHEIM

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 4:08 a.m. CST

    Yes! don’t either of you dare back out

    by Lost Prophet

    BRING ON THE JUGGFUCKLING DEATHMATCH. yes- can someone film it and put it up on AICN- maybe there is also some serious gambling potential- I am willing to offer serious odds on each fighter, depending on their stats.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:09 a.m. CST

    I have a question

    by OneintenMan

    SJ, do you feel left out of this violence? You haven’t threatened anyone, or been threatened for that matter. I think you should pick on someone.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:10 a.m. CST

    not me though

    by OneintenMan

    I’m a total pussy.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:14 a.m. CST

    nor me either

    by Lost Prophet

    I can’t fight sleep. However, I think a fan vs director match is a great idea

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:33 a.m. CST

    It’s been said before

    by DonnieDorko

    But this “movie-ripoff” tb is really turning in to a “UweBoll-Critic-fight-ripoff”. Sure it would be really fun to watch but it will never happened. The Demon have already been bending over to show his gateway of True Evil.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Uwe Boll Rip-off

    by SJ Bernheim

    Donnie – your observation leads me back to my thesis that almost all art (and what you guys are doing in this TB might qualify for art) is derivitive of something else in terms of CONCEPT. It is the EXECUTION, the FORM, that an artist gives to the concept that makes it unique and makes it his or her own.

    So Uwe Boll may have executed a similar concept, but so what? Did the form of his execution include a pro-wrestling “Demon” with alleged homoerotic tendencies?

    Of course not.

    Which means you are all legitimate artists on this TB. And by implication, under this thesis, CHAOS is a legitimate film.

    Ciao

    SJB

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 11:38 a.m. CST

    wow

    by Lost Prophet

    QED SJ. Now organise the juggfuckling. That’s all we really care about. Nice use of alleged to avoid the demon opening the door to evil on you for pointing out his homoerotic tendencies. I hope this goes forever.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Juggfuckling

    by SJ Bernheim

    Lost – all I am waiting for is a statement from each participant as to when they will be available in LA during September. I need contact information for JuggF as well.

    I’ll handle the rest.

    – MISTER BERNHEIM

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 11:55 a.m. CST

    I smell an oscar winning documentary…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    One film crew follows Demon, one follows Jugg, and it culminates in the big bout with a whole $250 riding on the outcome…

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 12:31 p.m. CST

    concept and execution

    by Vern

    I pretty much agree with your thesis there Steven, because the execution of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT is so drastically different from THE VIRGIN SPRING. Redoing that story as a contemporary slasher movie and adding a chain saw fight at the end, that was pretty unexpected. Maybe CHAOS should’ve taken place in the future or among cowboys or been a musical, then we wouldn’t be calling it a ripoff. But I got one final question that I can’t believe I didn’t ask before: what was the “original idea” by you two that’s referred to in the credits? You’re saying all the ideas have been done but there are different ways to do them. But what about this original idea you two came up with? Doesn’t that mean there was ONE idea left but you guys thought of it? Was that the last original idea? I’m confused. That said, where the fuck is Juggfuckler? Has anybody seen him? Did you guys throw him into the Doorway to True Evil or something?

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 1:56 p.m. CST

    Demons and such

    by zepfer

    I was wondering if demon dave was familiar with the works of Coffin Joe

    or of Santos. They are both preformers similar to him where they merge real life with persona with film. They are both from mexico where i think this sort of thing is much more appreciated but they both have achieved some success there with Santos (a masked mexican wrestler) using the hero model and coffin joe the occult man of evil model. Demon dave seems to be trying to meld the two models which can’t be easy as people want the santo type to win the day but are always mysteriously drawn to the evil coffin joe type.

    Now demon dave got a lot of flak for his persona cutting lose in the talkback here but it has been taken further. The masked wrestlers in these parts of the world take their persona’s seriously. They go grocery shopping in their mask, they dress up in suits and attend business meetings and such and are serious about never revealing their true identity. In both mexico and japan they have even run for the legislature, been elected and refused to remove their masks even as elected officials despit pressure from many who just do not understand.

    As for the juggfuckler vs demon dave match, a similar tale echos forth from the golden days of the santos film.

    He was once a vicious rival of the blue demon in the ring and on the screen. This went one till an evil mummy beyond the power of either of them to defeat terrorized mexico and kidnapped a beautiful woman (wife of santos? i can’t remember) anyway, only by combining they’re wrestling might were they able to defeat the mummy and save the distressed woman. They have been friends ever since and have together slew many evil and over come many perils.

    Perhaps after a suitable period of rivalry the demon and juggfuckler can become allies and together open new and exciting doors of evil.

    Personally i would love to seem them crank open the most convenient gate to hell and unleash a horde of demon spawn that seige the white house and drag certain administrators down to the fiery depth.

    (sorry to get political but i truley would like to see this)

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 3:01 p.m. CST

    Demon to remake Santos & Blue Angel vs Dracula&Wolfman?

    by Alonzo Mosely

    And by remake I mean original idea…

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 5:43 p.m. CST

    Holy shit! I just caught up…

    by iamnicksaicnsn

    and hot damn, craziest talk back i’ve ever seen. And what I enjoy about this talk back is that there’s actual substance to the length of it, and it’s not some bullshit “let’s keep it going for the sake of going.”

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 6:07 p.m. CST

    to Demon Dave

    by iamnicksaicnsn

    Hey man, I have to tell you it is badass that you keep coming on despite all the bullshit that’s being thrown around. It’s rare that a film-maker would take the time out to debate their movie and as you already know, it makes for some riveting reading. I mean, how awesome would it be if Spielberg came on and we could talk about how shitty the ending to War of the Worlds was, or if Singer came on and we could ask him what the hell he was thinking with Superman Returns.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 6:26 p.m. CST

    No shit, Brokebackcowboy!

    by Cadillac Jones

    I’ve juggfuckled to Giada DeLaurentiis myself – GODDAMN she’s hot! Why has she not been in Playboy yet? Not that they could do a “Women of Food Network” as only her Sandra Lee are the 2 hotties…but still…YOWZA!!!

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 7:16 p.m. CST

    Maybe Juggfuckler Got Turned Off By All The Sycophants

    by The Ender

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 7:27 p.m. CST

    Y’know…

    by Cadillac Jones

    Ender sounds like an angry midget with an inferiority complex. However – I agree whole-heartedly with him about the whole morgue thing. Meh. Juggfuckler will sort this shit out. BEST! TALKBACK! EVER!

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 7:58 p.m. CST

    It’s Dwarf Cadillac

    by The Ender

    They dont like being called midgets. they prefer to be called Dwarves. I know it’s weird, to prefer being called a mystical creature. Anyway, I think you are reading too far into me. If I had an inferiority complex, I wouldn’t be on these boards. Harshest message boards I’ve ever read. Me? I just hate assholery and I think these fucking dick wits deserve a good verbal lashing. Remember Rambos line to the colonel when the army tanks are coming up over the horizon, with helicopters and rockets? He said, “Fuck ’em”. And those sentiments I carry with me when it comes down to it.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:01 p.m. CST

    And Cadillac You Did Note…

    by The Ender

    That both of these dipshits have nothing to say when it comes to the fact that they would condone or participate in behaviour as insanely darkhearted and despicable as bragging about being in a fucking morgue. Woah….BADASS DUDE! Jesus christ, Fucked up childhood much?

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:12 p.m. CST

    Here-Here!

    by Cadillac Jones

    I know they prefer “Dwarf” but that just doesn’t have the whole humor-factor like “midget” does, and yes I know, there’s a difference between a midget (proportionate but small person) and a Dwarf (usually a larger head to a disproportionate body; Achondroplasia). Yeah – as I stated before – I gotta’ agree with your views. I hoping that Demon Dave & his mortician lover are just joshing us; that its all just part of the show, and at the end of the Demon is nothing more than a Cherub. However – I think I just saw an episode of the Real Ghostbusters that dealt with opening the doorway to TRUE EVIL and it like, tookover Manhattan. Fortunately, the Ghostbusters closed said doorway. So I guess I’m not too worried about the doorway to TRUE EVIL. Now…the dumbwaiter of TRUE EVIL…that scares me, because that sum’bitch can go UP and DOWN the TRACK of TRUE EVIL!

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 8:28 p.m. CST

    Dipshit had something to say

    by SJ Bernheim

    Ender says: “. . . both of these dipshits have nothing to say. . .” about the [paraphrasing] assholeness of the morgue bit. Just to set the record straight, fairly early on, this particular dipshit did have something to say about it, i.e, that it was “in very bad taste,” as well as “entertaining.” And since this dipshit is in the entertainment business, and, ahem, to “educate, and perhaps, save lives,” it seemed the right thing to do.

    Also, we were very careful not to reveal anything identifiable features of any of the unfortunates in the morgue.

    And, we are hardly the first artists to publish explicit shots from the LA Morgue. You might want to check out the amazing photojournalistic recordation of LA’s noir history, a great book called Sins of the City. You’ll find identifiable poor souls in those pages, on the very same slabs.

    vty

    SJ Bernheim,

    producer,

    Chaos

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 9:02 p.m. CST

    Bend It Like Bernheim

    by The Ender

    Way to go with the 2nd grade logic. Hardly the first “Artists” to publish shots from the La Morgue? No, it would seem you are hardly the first to do anything film related. Very Bad Taste, is not entertaining. We’d assume eating shit tastes bad (Uwe does wipe before he sits on your face, correct?) without ever having to try it. I think “Artists” like you guys, are aimed more towards sick fucks like Nicholsons character in the (technically second) first Batman film. Or maybe some real life Ed Gein type of dicktards. He liked the morbid shit, but with no redeeming quality about his character. It was just understood that he was a sick fuck, and sick fucks aren’t liked by many people. That is unless, they team up with other sick fucks (your bitch, er friend Demon Dave). And that’s called a Clique. Lindsay Lohan made a movie called Mean Girls. I think you should watch it. It has girls who are bitches, and they form a clique or posse of bitches, so they are not so lonely. You and your other likewise untalented (except for your uncanny red-herring ability that threw everyone off track from the fact that your partner is a complete fucking asshole, touche’) friend should maybe make a movie about what it’s like having a morbid disrespect for peoples lost loved ones. It’s not you in the morgue, I understand that. Its Dickhead Dave in their flexing and calling out Ebert (who should bitch slap both of you into submission). You write pretty well. That’s good. You bullshit pretty well too. And you managed to draw out some sycophantic behaviour, hats off. But that dont mean shit to me. I’m waiting for some Juggfucklery, I’m waiting for the real deal. And I still stand by every insult ever spewed at both of you.

  • Sept. 4, 2006, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Re: About Dumbwaiters And The Track To Evil

    by The Ender

    Absolutely NOTHING a little elbow grease and a crowbar can not fix. A crowbar…..BLESSED BY JESUS that is…which can only be done if you drink from the right cup, and if you let the German girl die, even though she betrayed you and her sonofabitch boyfriend shot your Dad. Then you have to make it out before the cave collapses because the said sonofabitch Dad shooting Nazi brought the cup too far over the fucking holy seal. It’s fuck all man. Absolute fuck all.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Hail Satan

    by Demon Dave

    Hey Vern, let me try to clarify the “Last House On the Left” arguement once an for all. I have always wanted to do a modernized version of a 70’s drive-in horror movie. When I finally got the opportunity with “Chaos”, I figured “Last House” would be the perfect one to model it after for the following reasons: 1. the movie was over 30 years old and I believed it to be fairly obscure 2. The story in “Last House” was adapted from “Virgin Spring”, so I felt I could do my own modernized adaption influenced by “Last House” and other drive-in movies of the 70’s. 3. I had Marc Sheffler (TV writer) and Steven Bernheim (Harvard Cum Lad Graduate) going over the script and no seemed to think we were ripping off “Last House”. I will agree with you on one big point. I should have never had my name listed on the Based On An Original Idea credit. It was not my idea and I should not have taken it. Oh well. The funny thing is, Vern, I think the majority of the people that will see “Chaos” have never even heard of “Last House”. So, ultimately I feel that most of the public will judge it on its own merit. (It scares the shit out of most people) And that’s all I have to say about “Last House”. I have one question, though. Where the hell did this Ender come from? He’s another one with a big mouth that I’m sure can’t back it up. I would actually pay money to get him and Brokeback Queerboy in a ring with me. And, good point iamnick. I appreciate that you appreciate me coming on here (which is very rare for me). But, I guess I’ve always been a glutton for punishment.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 1:42 a.m. CST

    One More Thing…Ender

    by Demon Dave

    I didn’t disrespect any of the bodies in the coroner’s office. In fact, not one of them had a problem with me being there. I don’t think the families would really care that I was there either. Obviously, it was meant for me to be among the dead or I would have never gotten in there. And I didn’t call out Ebert, asshole. I was pointing something out to him. Maybe, you should visit the crypt sometime yourself. You can learn a lot from the dead. Like to keep your fuckin’ mouth shut. Demon Dave (Director “Chaos”)

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:01 a.m. CST

    Hey Ender

    by Vern

    Did you know that Rambo is trained to eat things that would make a billygoat puke? I don’t remember any quotes that Rambo said but I do remember Colonel Trautman explaining that important fact. I always thought that was a pretty cool skill but unfortunately he never takes advantage of it in any of the movies. It is possible in Rambo 4 that he will eat the Doorway to True Evil, but I sort of doubt that will happen. anyway sorry to interrupt just wanted to point that out.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 3:48 a.m. CST

    Movie-Idea?

    by DonnieDorko

    Bubba-Demon? eh? The Demon who could rip your head off.. Or rip your movie off. You never know what he rips off, just that it’s True EVIL!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 4:02 a.m. CST

    I do however

    by DonnieDorko

    Think it’s good the Demon admitted that it was extremly poor taste to suggest it was based on an original idea.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 4:32 a.m. CST

    to The Demon

    by Vern

    Thanks for that response, now we are getting somewhere. I think we are in agreement about what the movie is, you just don’t agree with my description of it as a “rip-off.” But I think if you had said what you just wrote from the beginning it wouldn’t have been such a point of contention. I disagree with you though about LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT being obscure. Maybe to kids today whose idea of old school is the remake of THE RING, but to serious horror fans it’s a legendary milestone. And I think the only people who will watch CHAOS are people like me and you who like sick horror movies, which means they either have seen LAST HOUSE or would never admit to their friends that they haven’t. Well, that’s who WOULD’VE been the only audience for the movie but now that I just accidentally promoted the shit out of CHAOS it will be seen far and wide by all generations and walks of life, from the most hardcore GUINEA PIG fan to somebody’s grandma who thinks DRACULA is too violent and pessimistic. I can’t count how many people have told me that they thought my review was funny but now they are planning on seeing the movie to see what all the fuss is about. This movie is gonna be seen by everybody. It will be screened in Amish communities, and by aboriginal peoples who believe a photograph is a stolen soul. It will become such a cultural touchstone that widescale riots of true evil will force the U.N. to fund a worldwide re-release in Imax 3-D. On opening day it will eat up and shit out Titanic’s box office record in less than ten minutes, and in the process hundreds of thousands of lives will, perhaps, be saved. And I hope while you are figuring out where in The Demon’s Playground to display your Nobel Peace Prize you will take a moment to think of me and the talkbackers, if not Wes Craven, Ingmar Bergman and the 14th century Swedish dude who made up the ballad. Anyway thanks Demon, you have been a good sport other than arguably that first wrestling challenge. But it’s been alot of fun and I appreciate you guys sticking around for so long. As always, thanks, and for chrissakes be careful with that Door.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 5:06 a.m. CST

    does this mean that Vern gets royalties?

    by Lost Prophet

    This thread is about done now, which is a pity. BTW Demon, I love horror films and haven’t seen Last House. I am, however, well aware of the plot to it- and so would have recognised Chaos very, very quickly. Is it getting a UK release, as I am genuinly curious now?

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 7:15 a.m. CST

    RE: Dicksitting Dave

    by The Ender

    I bet the dead could teach me a lot about keeping quiet. Something tells me I could learn a thing or two about tossing a salad from you. But that doesnt mean I’m interested now does it?

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 7:24 a.m. CST

    Vern It’s Pretty Much Your Duty

    by The Ender

    To Go rent Rambo III right now and bear witness to one of the greatest lines of all time. Also…..rent Lone Wolf Mcquade. And witness the only Chuck Norris movie where he gets a Jumping Spinning Killtackular with a machine gun. Fucking awesome.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:01 a.m. CST

    JUGG FUCKLING

    by JuggFuckler

    Sorry I

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:12 a.m. CST

    Yep, got my hands on a copy this weekend too

    by muscelyarm

    It weren’t as bad as Vern made it out to be. It wasn’t exactly good either. You guys should thank Vern for the free publicity. And while you’re at it, thank guys like me and Juggs who advocate buying pirated copies.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:29 a.m. CST

    YES!

    by Lost Prophet

    This is the coolest news ever. Fuck Transformers- Let the Juggfuckler vs Demon Match commence. Someone please film it and put it online so everyone in the world (not just America) can enjoy it. FUCKING DYNAMITE!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:37 a.m. CST

    I agree with the ferguson except for the killing

    by FordPerfect

    You have given us 4 different reasons on how Chaos is similar to LHOTL and Virgin Spring, or shall I saw excuses…Just flat out admit it because everyone knows you are lying and no excuse you come up with is going to change that. You are a just making it worse for yourself! You thought no one would connect the dots? Man you and your producer whatever he is are lying so bad! The two of you should have gotten your stories together and stuck to it all along, but now it is too late. Just admit you are wrong.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 8:48 a.m. CST

    A question for JuggFuckler

    by El_Aurens

    Are you nervous now that you have outed yourself here at AICN? You posted your full name last week and proceeded to publicly threaten a celebrity (pseudo).

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Possibly The Greatest Thing To Ever Happen?

    by The Ender

    Juggfuckler Thank God you’re back. Please someone DOCUMENT THIS! And post it on the site. Juggfuckler all of my money is on you, and my hopes. Beat that fucking pricks face in. But dont turn your back on him, or pick up any soap you see lying around. Let the Juggfuckling Commence!!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Ender: Which Rambo III line is that?

    by FatPaul

    I can’t track down the reference to said line in the above talkbacks. Is it the bit where the Russian commander tells one of his soldiers to “go to hell, like Rasputin?” That’s my personal favorite, anyway.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 11:07 a.m. CST

    Ender: Oh, there it is.

    by FatPaul

    “Fuck ’em.” I still think the “go to hell, like Rasputin” thing is better, though.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 12:24 p.m. CST

    All glory to the JuggFuckler!!!

    by Billyeveryteen

    Kick the shit out of these lying douches.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 12:41 p.m. CST

    El_Aurens

    by JuggFuckler

    Nervous? No, not exactly. It was a little stupid of me to post my real name, but I wanted to make sure that everyone was clear that I mean business. Otherwise, my calling out Dave would have been a meaningless gesture. Dave DeFalco doesn

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 1:09 p.m. CST

    this talkback is a metaphor

    by Vern

    for the endless cycle of violence. Loosely based on William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus, the talkback shows how one warrior (the Juggfuckler) strikes back against a vicious invader (The Demon). The fight initially represents Juggfuckler defending his territory, avenging the talkbackers and film writers who have been threatened with True Evil simply for holding an opinion. However, by the time he is actually Juggfuckling The Demon in the ring The Demon will have admitted his movie was based on LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and backed away from his threats, everybody will have made nicey nicey and the Juggfuckler will even compliment both the movie and The Demon personally. AND YET THE FIGHT WILL GO ON. It’s just like Israel and Palestine, or the Butter Battle Book. And by participating in a fight with no meaning, Juggfuckler will have lowered himself to the level of The Demon’s initial challenge. Which means The Demon will have duplicated the meaningful ending of LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT despite his initial attempts to discard it in CHAOS. Thus, the circle will be complete, and the Doorway will be ajar!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Aw hell Vern.

    by JuggFuckler

    You

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:09 p.m. CST

    might be time to juggfuckle “Juggfuckle”

    by chickychow

    do people still laugh when they see that word? do they laugh when someone says “too soon?”

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:12 p.m. CST

    While I do think the fight should still go on…

    by iamnicksaicnsn

    JuggFuckler, do you think you could somehow take “jugg fuckling” back? Make it your own? There are way too many douches out there using it now, and it’s getting fucking annoying seeing it in EVERY talkback.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:17 p.m. CST

    I’m juggfuckling myself in my cubicle

    by brokebackcowboy

    I hope they don’t have hidden cameras …

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:23 p.m. CST

    I just got off the phone with Satan…

    by Childe Roland

    …and he’d like you to stop dragging his name into all of this, Demon Dave. He’s got a hard enough time with everyone blaming him for all their personal behavioral shortcomings without people dedicating wanton acts of plagiarism to him. Satan would like you and the world to know that he strives for originality in all that he does and that he’s never made or compelled anyone do anything, regardless of how many drugs they might have consumed. He requests that you consider for a moment how many lawyers populate his infernal kingdom before you invoke his name again. Also, Gene Simmons believes you have done nothing to earn the nickname “The Demon,” and he’s considering siccing about a half dozen bored and hungry earthbound lawyers on you for diminishing the memory of his stage persona with the pale shadow puppetry you perform in the ring and on film. Have you spit blood? Have you breathed fire? Can you lick your own balls? Gene Simmons thought not. No Demon are you, sir. And while I’m relaying messages, Dr. Evil called and wants me to tell you you’re the Diet Coke of Evil. Just one calorie…not evil enough. He would appreciate the opportunity to discuss your Evil aspirations over some cocoa, though.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 2:32 p.m. CST

    I just got IMed by Satan too

    by brokebackcowboy

    He wants Dave and Bernheim to stop calling him because he is busy preparing for the Rapture in the Middle East, and is making room for all the non-believers Jesus will be sending. This is more important than a low-budget movie, he said. Don’t look at me, I’m just the messenger …

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 5:26 p.m. CST

    Brokeback We’ve Been Challenged…

    by The Ender

    “I would actually pay money to get him and Brokeback Queerboy in a ring with me.” Dicksuck Dave. I just re-read dickfuck daves post a little ways up. Didn’t catch that before. Dave, you’re going to need all the money you can get, because no one is going to see your movies. You’re a no talent fucking hack. And you know that. That’s why you’re desparate enough to fight people who think you suck (good luck by the way, 1 down…the entire world to go). Come to New York. I would have NO PROBLEM telling you how much of a douche-fucking queer I think you are. Cunt.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 5:57 p.m. CST

    Oh no

    by Vern

    Did I just talk Juggfuckler out of fighting Demon Dave? Because if so I think I’m gonna get challenged again.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 6:43 p.m. CST

    Alonzo: Music ideas

    by keepcoolbutcare

    for “The DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL”, your highly anticpated opus. I recommend the Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony”, De La Soul’s “Transmitting Live from Mars”, Biz Markie’s “Alone Again”, and that fucking song by Jet that rips a riff from Iggy and the Stooges. For the original score, I recommend Negativeland.

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 7:13 p.m. CST

    The Ender & BBCowboy

    by Cadillac Jones

    Count me in. I dare Demon Dave to try and lay the smack down on a New Yorker! IT JUST DOESN’T HAPPEN!!! Hell… we bitchslap Rhode Island EVERY MORNING!!! THE ENTIRE STATE!!! JUST-CAUSE!!!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 7:15 p.m. CST

    To Juggfuckler…

    by Cadillac Jones

    Should you indeed choose to take Demon Dave AKA Crotch-Waffle down, rest assured, I got your back, man! If you choose to take down Kevin Smith – FUCK YEAH – I’m your man!!! That tubby bitch needs a knock-down and how!!!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 7:18 p.m. CST

    To Demon Dave…

    by Cadillac Jones

    …is there a Washing Machine-of-TRUE EVIL? With like…a Rinse Cycle of TRUE EVIL? Or maybe, perhaps…a can-opener…of TRUE EVIL…which could, in theory, allow access to all smaller doorways of minute-yet-TRUEST-EVIL? Just curious…

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 7:59 p.m. CST

    The Door is a jar?

    by Alonzo Mosely

    That sounds like a heavy drug experience right there… I think that the end result of all this is peace, love and understanding, in a way that has never been seen in an AICN TB before, not even an obit… KeepCool I like that soundtrack my brother… Maybe a cover of sympathy for the devil done by someone you would never expect to do a Stones’ cover… And, no, not Kevin Federline, although I believe he might be behind the DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL…

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 9:50 p.m. CST

    I demand a Juggfuckling recount!

    by ubersnarf

    Vern – your ability to mock people nicely is genius. well done, sir. But I must disagree with your interpretation of the metaphorical talkback. I think it’s become clear that this talkback is the ONLY thing preventing Demon Dave from crossing through the Door To True Evil (TM) and wreaking havoc upon an entirely un-cautioned world. There will be no Demon going to bed once he has filmed ‘Meth Dealer Antichrist’. Therefore, we must keep him in this world, physically if necessary, and only the Juggfuckler can do that. <br> Juggfuckler – although I agree that we should always attempt to settle things peacefully, I think in this case you are administering justice and therefore can be excused for kicking someone’s ass. Also, on behalf of sexually violated women, can you please anally rape Demon Dave once you’re through with him? It would be ‘cathartic’, or at least, I imagine it would after SJB’s touching analysis about his actress would indicate. Also, it would be really funny to force all the homophobic talkbackers to watch anal rape on film in order to have the satisfaction of watching DD be juggfuckled. That would truly end the circle of violence that Vern advocates and leave all of us in a better, happier place all around. <br> and Child Rolande – I think I’m going to list you as a hero on my MySpace page. YKYMF!!!

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 10:20 p.m. CST

    It is DOORWAY to TRUE EVIL…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    Accept no imitations…

  • Sept. 5, 2006, 11:09 p.m. CST

    The Ender

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that you were trying to steal JuggFuckler’s limelight and doing a piss poor job of it.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 1:02 a.m. CST

    The Ender

    by brokebackcowboy

    Oh shit! Dude I didnt even catch that. And he called me Queerboy on top of it. When we get in the ring, let’s speak intelligently to him so his brain goes into a seizure. And then we take turns kicking his nutz into purple raisins. Then we piss on Bernheim and take his $200 to buy coffee and some new Transformers action figures. Sounds like a plan!!!

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 2:07 a.m. CST

    HEY!!!

    by Cadillac Jones

    I want a Transfraggle…Tranzor…FUCK IT! I want one too!

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 2:30 a.m. CST

    This talkback is officially juggfuckled

    by AZJim

    I saw it months ago, and hated it, and I can’t believe that we’ve all decided that CHAOS isn’t so bad, and really now that DeFalco has admitted that he “inadvertently” ripped off Last House, CHAOS is somehow worth watching. The most interesting thing about this moronic piece of crap movie is that it’s an uncredited dimwit remake of Last House. One might fast-forward through it just to prove that it’s a total rip-off. Once you admit that, as you essentially have, there’s absolutely no reason to ever, ever watch this film. Unless you like to masturbate to poorly filmed images of women being raped, mutilated and killed…

    Oh, right. This is AICN. I almost forgot.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 3:42 a.m. CST

    is the match on or not?

    by Lost Prophet

    damn it. Please don’t let me down, please. This is a plaintive cry on behalf of us wimps who have sat through countless terrible films and lack the ability or even chance to get even. COME ON JUGGFUCKLER! make our day- fight the demon.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 5:24 a.m. CST

    This must be settled

    by Lost Prophet

    I think this TB is not about the battle between Good and Evil represented in the forms of Juggfuckler and The Demon. It’s far more important than that. Juggfuckler represents a symbol of resistance against a dedicated opressor. That is why it is important, nay essential, that he administers a solid Juggfuckling to the Demon. He is standing up for the little man, has the power of right on his side and, therefore it is inconceivable that he will be defeated. We, the little TB’ers need the beacon of hope that the Juggfuckler can be to light our way in these dark times, and maybe the Demon getting a Juggfuckling will prevent those cunts at WB, Paramount, Fox etc from inflicting another summer like this one on us. They need to have the fear of the TB’er put back into them. No longer shall they treat us with contempt, no longer shall they pollute our forums with shameless plants, no longer shall they hire tossers to write scripts. The coming of the hero will put a stop to this. So it has been written, and so it shall come to pass. Finally, can either the Demon or SJB answer something for me: Is this getting a UK release or what? I am really curious to see what the fuss is about, and am more than willing to pay to do so.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 8:13 a.m. CST

    Caddilac Jones

    by brokebackcowboy

    You can get one too of course. Now hold Dave down while I juggfuckle his nether region with a quill … BWAHAHHHAAHAAAHAA!!!

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 10:27 a.m. CST

    Actually Mr. Gaius, And Brokeback

    by The Ender

    Gaius, I’m actually completely uninterested in taking limelight away from Juggfuckler. I hate that you even made an implication of some sort of vanity on my part. I think I have a right to express my opinion about these two shit heads, and if Demon Dave can only respond by telling me and brokeback to get in the ring with him, then it only drives my point further home. I know Juggfuckler is going to destroy his ass (and not the way Dickfuck Dave likes it) and I am taking immense satisfaction knowing there is a pissed off hack sitting somewhere in Los Angeles punching brick walls over the fact that a small group of people on a website think he is fucking shit. That my friend, is hilarious. Now can we focus back on the Juggfuckling? I’m just here to call a prick a prick. And if he needs it said to his face, I can do that. BROKEBACK- I think intelligent conversation would really be regarded as foul play against our dear Dicksuck Dave here. The ref would Red Card us and have us thrown out, and after his brain seizures cease we would be hunted down eternally by the ass end of True Evil. And by ass end, I mean the unwiped ass end. With the dingleberries. AND WE DONT WANT THAT NOW DO WE?

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 10:33 a.m. CST

    Pissing On Bernheim Sounds Good

    by The Ender

    Bernheim’s urethra sized argument about the legitimacy of this fucktard film and his fucktard boy toy, call for a solid pissing on! The 200$, I think we should give to the poor camera crew that had to film with these assholes…

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 8:02 p.m. CST

    Pissing on me

    by SJ Bernheim

    What sounds good about pissing on me? Please advise.

    SJ Bernheim

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 8:20 p.m. CST

    In Lay Man’s Terms, SJB…

    by Cadillac Jones

    …I believe that Ender feels that spraying urine (maybe / possibly other bodily fluids and waste products) all over you would be a gratifying experience for him (and many others) for the low-quality, tasteless “film” you and your partner have “crafted.” I hope this was explained in an easy, educating way so as to clarify Ender’s meanings. I’ll be perfectly happy just defacating upon the actual DVD myself.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 8:36 p.m. CST

    It’s Not How It Sounds Bernheim, It’s The Fact…

    by The Ender

    …That it would be happening. Cadillac speaks truth.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 8:37 p.m. CST

    Oh.

    by SJ Bernheim

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 9:09 p.m. CST

    Mr. Bernheim

    by Cadillac Jones

    It would appear that you have been “pwn3d” which is internet slang for “owned” – in this case, by Ender, Brokeback, Juggfuckler and a good 70% of this talkback.

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 10:53 p.m. CST

    Defecation

    by SJ Bernheim

    Cadillac Man – I can fully appreciate that you would “be perfectly happy just defacating upon the actual DVD. . .” But to achieve that lofty goal, you will of course require an “actual DVD.” I am pleased to report to you that you can purchase one, as of September 28, at Fry’s, on Amazon.com, at Blockbuster.com, or you can rent one from Netflix (query whether you’re antisocial enough to return it to Netflix, having, well, you know. . .)

    Hope this was of assistance to you, Caddy.

    Best,

    MISTER BERNHEIM

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 10:59 p.m. CST

    Caddy

    by SJ Bernheim

    . . . And if you do buy a DVD, and take a shit on it, take a photo of it and we’ll post it on the Chaos website.

    And that goes for any other fans who want to show their appreciation, as well.

    Best,

    MISTER BERNHEIM

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 11 p.m. CST

    water sports

    by AZJim

    I ain’t into ’em, so I don’t think I’d get much pleasure out of pissing on Bernheim. And shitting on his DVD would be redundant, of course.

    By the way, Brokeback, what is this “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA” shit? That reads just like the terrifying final line of CHAOS. Quit scaring me, would ya?

  • Sept. 6, 2006, 11:01 p.m. CST

    BWAHAHA etc

    by AZJim

    I forgot to mention not since the Michael Jackson “Thriller” video have I been so terrified.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 12:16 a.m. CST

    I am coming to New York, Ender

    by Demon Dave

    And I would love to see what you would have to say to my face. Ya see Ender, I’ve been fighting in the streets since I was a little Demon. Just this past weekend, I terrorized a punk in the streets of LA probably just like you. And as far as your fuckin’ opinions on the movie, do you think I really give a fuck? I would rather listen to someone that’s cool and has a real opinion, like Capone. And Brokeback and Caddy, you guys can go piss on your mother. Juggs and Vern, I got respect for you guys. It would be an honor to get into the ring with Juggs and face a real competitor, not some shit talkin’ website posters.

    the Demon

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 4:05 a.m. CST

    circleargument.

    by DonnieDorko

    Demon, you do understand how extremly dumb you must be to post a negative message about people who posts messages? It’s like your educational movie against violence. Maybe you should go and by a gun and shoot down war? Eeh.. Strike that, just continue to kick yourself. Seems everyone else is beginning to lose interest. And no, its not true that you don’t give a shit about what people think about your movie.. It’s not even evily true. We know you cry, you hit the wall, you lift some weights you threaten some people, you scare the neighbourhood kids every time some writes an accurate description of “your movie”.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 4:27 a.m. CST

    Never mind the juggfuckling

    by Lost Prophet

    Is this fucking movie getting a UK release? (This is about the 9th time I have asked) Fuck’s sake. I even said I am willing to pay cash money to see the fucker. And full price UK DVD’s are expensive. C’mon guys.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 4:29 a.m. CST

    the more I read of them

    by Lost Prophet

    the more I like the Demon’s posts. There is a pleasant type of crazy to the idea of “been fighting in the streets since I was a little Demon”. I WANT TO SEE THIS FILM NOW> previously I couldn’t give a toss. I WANT AN OPINION.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 4:42 a.m. CST

    and by the way Demon

    by Lost Prophet

    of course posters talk shit. It’s a combination of safety via anonymity, boredom, comedy value, etc.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 9:40 a.m. CST

    While you’re in New York…

    by Childe Roland

    …Demon Dave, I recommend you take some time to do the following: 1.) Visit the Statue of Liberty — Not everything the French have given Americans is fattening or causes a rash. 2.) Eat a hot dog from a street vendor…with relish. 3.) See a Broadway show. 4.) Terrorize someone much smaller than yourself. And I mean MUCH smaller — most of the New Yorkers I’ve known make up for their lack of size and muscle mass with a mean-spirited creativity that the makers of Chaos! can only dream about and wake, trembling. 5.) Hug a cabbie. 6.) Visit ground zero and walk around without a shirt on, flexing and talking about how deliciously evil 9-11 was. I’m sure the families of the victims will appreciate it. 7.) Do some shopping in Chelsea or Soho. While out and about, buy a clue. 8.) Ride the subway and try to explain your intimate knowledge of insane evil to any of the random folks around you. 9.) Take a walk through Central Park. 10.) Visit the Empire State Building and ride the elevator all the way to the top. Enjoy the breathtaking view but consider how drastically different that view is now from just five years ago. Then, just as you begin to understand how silly all this “ultimate evil” tough guy shit you’re spouting really sounds and a realization of your ultimate insignificance in the grand scheme of things begins to set in…jump. Have Bernheim film it, if you like. That would be a DVD I’d buy.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 10:31 a.m. CST

    Lost Prophet

    by SJ Bernheim

    UK release? We have not yet signed a deal with any foreign distributors yet, but I am sure we will once we have completed the US release process. However, it will take at least six months or more for it to appear in the UK. In the meanwhile, you can order it through the internet from Amazon.com. The DVD is in American format. I don’t know if our DVD format is compatible with your players over there.

    Now, if for some reason Amazon won’t ship to you, but you could use an American DVD, here’s what I will do for you, because of the strong interest you have expressed here.

    email to my personal email an address for yourself that accepts overseas Fedex. I will send you free of charge the unedited “Director’s Cut” DVD. You seem like a reasonable guy, and so I trust you not to make bootlegs, etc. And all I ask is that if you like it, or think it is interesting or well done, tell your friends.

    my personal email is Steven348ts@aol.com

    Best,

    SJ Bernheim, Producer, CHAOS

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 11:09 a.m. CST

    cheers Steve for the offer

    by Lost Prophet

    I have checked on Amazon.co.uk and they don’t stock it. Amazon.com don’t seem to either. I will have a look at home tonight to see if I can play a US DVD- thank you very much for the kind offer, and have no fear I am far too incompetent to copy a region 1 DVD- I don’t know how to change the region on it. I do know which friends to show it too though. Best of luck getting worldwide release for it. Thanks again.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 11:13 a.m. CST

    By the way, SJ…

    by Childe Roland

    …I have to commend you on how you’re taking all of this (largely) good natured ribbing. Seriously, to be skewered by Vern in a DVD review should be considered a badge of honor for film makers (not an indication of quality, or anything like that, but something to be proud of, nonetheless). If you really love your friend Dave, you should counsel him on the benefits of maintaining a sense of humor about one’s self. Cheers and better luck on your next project.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 11:14 a.m. CST

    I second roland on that

    by Lost Prophet

    Now, back to important matters- when is the Juggfuckling taking place, or has vern put the kibosh on it.

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 11:45 a.m. CST

    UK DVD and thanks

    by SJ Bernheim

    Thanks for the kind words. AND as to DAve having a sense of humor about himself, you might be surprised. . . Dave’s character is very much in the vein of a pro wrestler, and having met some of his friends who are pro wrestlers, I can assure you that in private they have quite a sense of humor about the characters they play.

    But they don’t let on in public.

    The reaction you all have handed to Dave is the exact one he expects to get if he

    plays his character right.

    And like a pro wrestler, Dave’s character has some roots in who he really is as a private person, but is greatly, greatly exaggerated for the entertainment benefit of. . . you all. As you all admit, you have rarely had so much fun on a TB as here, where you can heckle “The Demon” with impunity and point out all of his all-too-obvious flaws.

    Now as to the availability of the DVD, it will not be for sale on Amazon.com or any outlet until September 28, though it is being promoted now. It is not available on Amazon.uk.

    We have actually made delivery to Amazon.com, already I believe.

    In any event,if you have trouble after September 28, Prophet, I will honor my offer.

    Best,

    SJ Bernheim

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Never mind the juggfuckling… Here’s the Sex Pistols..

    by Alonzo Mosely

    I GOT NOTHING…

  • Sept. 7, 2006, 6:39 p.m. CST

    To SJB…

    by Cadillac Jones

    I do have to admit, *you* have been the one to take all the shit we’ve been slinging extremely well with a wink and a smile. Seriously. I applaud that and find that extremely cool. As for the Demon…well… his posts are amusing. If you two do indeed come to NY – I will buy said hotdogs along with a fresh hot pretzel with mustard, because nothing beats a NY pretzel.

  • Sept. 8, 2006, 12:35 p.m. CST

    Demon in NY

    by BayouWilly

    Muscles can’t catch bullets. Say hello to the DDP gang.

  • Sept. 23, 2006, 9:49 a.m. CST

    zpfer, DUDE…

    by sapiamaia

    … Coffin Joe is brazilian, not mexican.

    In fact, this sounds pretty offensive to brazilians.

  • Sept. 26, 2006, 6:44 a.m. CST

    Intrigued

    by Venkie

    Two very interesting viewpoints here, and it’s really got me curious I must say. Gonna have to watch the damn flick now! Ca’nt even check their web page as work’s internet won’t allow me to access the page as apparantley ‘it’s tasteless’

    Jeez! Everyone’s a critic!

  • Sept. 27, 2006, 12:59 p.m. CST

    CHAOS news

    by SJ Bernheim

    Chaos is now available on shelves or online at Best Buy, Amazon.com, Netflix.com and other retailers and web merchants. Both the Director’s Cut and the standard (heavily edited) version are available. You may need to type in “CHAOS DeFalco” to find the correct film.

    The website TMZ did an interview with us yesterday and we defended our position on the film. There will be a forum with the TMZ piece in case any of you want to sound off for or against the film.

    Best,

    SJ Bernheim, Producer, Chaos

  • Sept. 27, 2006, 1:03 p.m. CST

    Further

    by SJ Bernheim

    I mention the TMZ forum because all of you on this TB are probably the world’s biggest experts on CHAOS, at this point. Nobody can blast The Demon, me and li’l CHAOS like you can.

    So go ahead, rip us apart in front of the whole world – you know you want to!

  • Nov. 6, 2006, 7:09 p.m. CST

    Nah, SJ, you and Demon got grudging respect

    by Alonzo Mosely

    for fighting your corner… No matter if some of it was blatant bullshit…

  • May 10, 2007, 12:40 a.m. CST

    Is this the One?

    by The Dum Guy

    I dont know.

  • May 10, 2007, 5:29 p.m. CST

    we need to revive this tb

    by Bob C. Cock

    for the children

  • Nov. 4, 2008, 3:07 p.m. CST

    2 years later

    by csssgl

    Added Chaos to my Netflix queue 2 years ago when I read this TB and finally rented it… what an unfun, unfunny, uninteresting, juvenile piece of garbage.

  • Jan. 9, 2009, 12:06 a.m. CST

    Best Talkback I Have Ever Fucking Read

    by tolomey

    This really does need to be saved for future fans of AICN. In fact, have you guys ever thought of publishing sections from the funniest talkbacks over the years?<br>

    I’d buy that for a dollar.

  • Jan. 9, 2009, 7:11 a.m. CST

    tolomey

    by GetEveryone

    cheers for recommending this talkback. tis braw.

  • Jan. 9, 2009, 1:42 p.m. CST

    Any chance…

    by jpdisco

    We can get this one going again? I’d love to see the Demon revisited…

  • Jan. 9, 2009, 1:43 p.m. CST

    and…

    by jpdisco

    I still don’t think it ever got a UK release.

  • March 10, 2009, 10:44 a.m. CST

    Wow

    by Carpet_Pisser

    I don’t believe I just found this 2 1/2 years later. I may have just started posting, but have been a long time lurker, and this would have been a great week at work reading this shit instead of actually working.

    P.S. Whatever happened to a Demon Dave vs. Juggfuckler match?

  • March 10, 2009, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Holy Shit!!

    by Harold-Sherbort

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read on this site.

  • March 11, 2009, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Old memories

    by Ellms

    Ahh this was and is the funniest talkback ever on AICN.

  • March 11, 2009, 7:54 a.m. CST

    man oh man oh man, what a bizarre talkback

    by The Amazing G

    why can’t shit like this happen more often? and I now feel mildly tempted to actually rent this flick just to see what all the hubbub is about bub

  • March 11, 2009, 7:56 a.m. CST

    although…

    by The Amazing G

    I more than likely wont, I’d totally watch it if it was available to “watch instantly” on Netflix though….

  • March 11, 2009, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Demon Dave should star in a sequel to….

    by The Amazing G

    The Wrestler

  • Sept. 27, 2009, 7:03 p.m. CST

    ahh the good old days…

    by johnnylawless2

  • Dec. 15, 2009, 10:07 p.m. CST

    this is one of the best stories ever posted on AICN

    by The_Crimson_King

    FACT!

  • Oct. 4, 2010, 9:24 a.m. CST

    BEHOLD ORCUS COMES FROM THE FUTURE!!

    by orcus

    This was in Verns book. Damn it’s funnier in the proverbial flesh

  • Oct. 4, 2010, 9:27 a.m. CST

    Hey Demon Dave!

    by orcus

    You still around? Didn’t see your movie, don’t plan to, but Orcus has to respect someone to do what you did here

  • Nov. 2, 2010, 5:47 a.m. CST

    Last!

    by JackDeth

  • Jan. 9, 2012, 6:33 p.m. CST

    No, you’re not.

    by Knuckleduster

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Sunday, August 27th, 2006 at 3:43 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

32 Responses to “Vern Vs. The CHAOS DVD!!”

  1. The talkback to this review is LEGENDARY. One minute it’s just your standard Vern joking around with the talkbackers and then out of fucking NOWHERE, Dave the Demon shows up screaming and ranting about challenging Vern to a wrestling match. And Vern didn’t bat an eye. Fucking legendary.

  2. I will never see this movie, but I just learned by accident that the Chaos guy is Waingro from HEAT!!!!!

  3. Chopper Sullivan

    March 1st, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Thanks google. You got me to reread this beautiful review and the amazing talkback.

  4. What a freaky world – as I was reading this review now, I thought to check what that LA technician could look like (imagining “Emmett Brown + Cryptkeeper”), so I checked for his name, and… well, go and see for yourself. Freaky indeed.

    (By the way, he apparently looked like John Landis. A less revolting John Landis.)

  5. Ok, this review makes a lot of excellent points (can’t believe i’m typing this, but I really am going to have to re-evaluate Wolf Creek), but all that aside, this is quite possibly the funniest movie review I’ve ever read. I almost want to rent the movie now just to watch these features, even though I know that would be a grave mistake. When Vern’s talking about dudes who only want “the hardest shit,” I gotta admit, I might be one of those dudes sometimes (where is your August Underground review????), but it seems like the older I get, the less I am down to see extreme acts of totally unforgiving violence, especially rape, if they aren’t at least wrapped up in a film that works on other levels well.
    side note: I’m glad they don’t try to tie their movie with this, but why don’t the filmmakers just bring up that Last House was jacked from Virgin Spring? I dunno, maybe the Demon doesn’t think Bergman is evil enough

  6. I noticed a similar “problem” over the last few years. I never was a guy who watched all kinds of extreme shit on purpose, but I didn’t care if a movie crossed certain lines. But recently I kept avoiding movies like MARTYRS and such, thinking “Why should I want to watch this?”

    Don’t get me wrong, I think if I would hang out with a buddy and he would decide to put this movie on, I wouldn’t leave the room, but keep watching instead. Yet I do keep double guessing my need for ultra grim and violent shit recently.

  7. I feel you guys. A friend of mine gave me a deluxe DVD edition of REGOREGITATED SACRIFICE, which is the second entry in something called “The Vomit Gore Trilogy.” He said it kept him up nights. It’s been sitting on my shelf unwatched for like five years.

    I also can’t make myself watch SALO, which I’ve had since it was hard to find. I keep meaning to, but I’ve just never been like, “Yup, tonight is definitely the night to watch some little kids get pooped on.” It’s just hard to make that call, you know?

  8. I watched SALO last year (you are talking about the Pasolini film, Mr Majestyk?), mostly because some of my friends think it’s an important film. It isn’t. Pasolini wanted to say something about fascism, and I’m sympathetic to that. But the shock factor was obviously more important to him than the message. He never gives the victims any personality so that we can feel anything for them and when the violence starts he chickens out and never films it properly. So all you’re left with is four unattractive Italian men who have a lot of sleazy sex with people who haven’t bothered to wipe properly after their last visit to the toilet. For two whole hours.

  9. I’m with you guys, but unfortunately I fear it’s not that I’ve gotten more sensitive in my old age, but rather more jaded. I’ve seen so many explicitly violent images that they lack the ability to shock me anymore, and so most movies like CHAOS or CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST or whatever simply play like the tedious, repetitive z-grade crap that they are once you get past the shock value. I don’t mind watching violence, but independent of context it holds basically no interest to me anymore. If you’re trying to get a rise out of me with violent images, all you’re gonna end up doing is reminding me how empty the rest of your film is (SALO being a pretty good example).

    Actually now that I think about it, I feel pretty much the same way about nudity in movies now, too. Always happy to see my old friend the extraneous boob scene, but a movie built around delivering it? Not worth the effort.

  10. It’s the old “been there, done that” feeling, I guess. I can still get “shocked” on an intellectual level, but very seldom by scenes that include blood and guts. Film makers today seem to have a distance to the material that prevent them from becomming as nasty as their predecessors were. It’s of course political too. The stuff they put out in the 70’s and 80’s, especially the violence towards women, just doesn’t work in the same way today.

  11. I don’t get shocked or offended by them either. It’s really just a case of not getting any “enjoyment” (in lack of a better word) out of it and I start to overthink shit until I got seriously no reason anymore to watch it.

  12. I agree with all you dudes. Still haven’t seen Salo. Serbian Film is my current “do I want to watch this shit?” movie. I recently rewatched The Taint with a buddy of mine, and the violence in that movie is by no means realistic, but even cartoonishly smashing women’s heads with rocks with hard-ons flopping around is a pretty loaded, totally disturbing image. This was definitely a movie that i was sort of scared to watch when it came out. However, even on the most recent viewing, the movie itself was funny and well made enough and had enough good ideas that I actually loved it. I guess a big part of why I like watching extreme shit sometimes is that I’m thinking, “maybe the movie is actually good”, and either way, conquering my fears over what may or may not be on the tape: its a good feeling.

  13. SERBIAN FILM did not bother me as much as most people. Maybe because I am a depraved motherfucker, but the movie felt over the top and I could not take it seriously in any way. I can definetly see how others might though as the subject matter is as unpleasant as it can get.

  14. I had the same experience with A SERBIAN FILM. It was too over-the-top to take seriously, so I ended up treating it like a really dark splatter comedy. It’s nowhere near as funny as HUMAN CENTIPEDE, but it has its moments.

  15. Majestyk: I agree with Pegsman: THE NIGHT PORTER is way better than SALO. If you’ve seen NIGHT PORTER, consider your work in that particular corner of Important Snuff Films About Fascism done. I got more from CALIGULA than I did from SALO. And I’m an arthouse goon. I’m supposed to be defending this stuff.

    My A-Film-Too-Far is LEOLO, a gorgeous, profound film I’ll never watch again because of what they do to that kitten (or, more accurately, the way they filmed what they did to that kitten).

    CJ: MARTYRS is a strange case. Yes, it’s disturbing and unpleasant, but it’s a bit of a different species of disturbing. I’ll probably never watch it again, but the experience was singular. I put it up there with AUDITION in terms of filmatalogical significance.

  16. I have long been disabused of the notion that SALO is an important film, or even a particularly disturbing one. I just need to see it because I’m the kind of guy who sees SALO once in his life and has an opinion about it. It can be a burden.

    And apparently now I need to see both NIGHT PORTER and LEOLO. I still haven’t seen LAWRENCE OF A FUCKING RABIA but now I gotta watch a Nazi fuck a kitten or something. Thanks a lot, assholes.

    As for MARTYRS, it is a punishing experience but it somehow ends on a note of great beauty. I wouldn’t put it in the same class of experience as any of the other EXXXXXTREEEEME torture/gore films. It’s got more on its agenda than just grossing you out.

  17. Exactly right, Majestyk. SALO punishes the viewer along with the characters that are systematically degraded throughout the film. I think the film has a coherent point to make, and the utterly static presentation drives the degradation home endlessly. I can see the reason for every decision Pasolini made, but I find none of it amounts to the Big Event he obviously thought he was fashioning.

    MARTYRS is certainly shocking because of the plot and gore, but also because of the glimpse into a system of conduct that lies far outside the conventional (or even the comprehensible). The ending is largely unfathomable in its workings. It opens a strange door in the imagination where shock is invested with a kind of unspeakable profundity that resonates longer than any of the gore.

    THE NIGHT PORTER has Charlotte Rampling, which makes even the most difficult movies watchable, and it’s amusing to later read how badly Ebert misunderstood the film, though I’m not sure it should be anywhere near the top of your bucket list.

  18. All of this is reminding me of when I was in college. I worked for the university’s video production and distance learning services. The distance learning part were classes that were set up with a professor at one location, supplied with a monitor, video camera, microphone, etc and the students could be located all over the state in classrooms at their local college or library or whatever and they were also provided with a monitor, video camera and microphone. My job was to turn on all of the equipment and monitor the class to make sure everything was working.

    Along with classes, there would be an occassional meeting. I monitored one of these meetings for the dept of public safety, which means a bunch of cops. It was really entertaining when they were talking about how to recognize the signs of occult activity in crime scenes. It was not so entertaining when they were talking about child sex abuse and used some child porn as visual aids.

    Having seen how monstrous people can be in real life, I have absolutely no interest in having movies shock me with their monstrosity.

  19. It’s a bit like reading AMERICAN PSYCHO, I guess. I get what Ellis wants to say, and a friend of mine threw up when he read it, but to me it’s was just about the writer’s imagination.

  20. Man, I loved AMERICAN PSYCHO way too much when I was 15. If I was a teenager nowadays, I’d totally end up on a list.

  21. I´ve had the paperback of AMERICAN PSYCHO lying around for ten years. I am not sure if I´ll ever get around to read it.

  22. Eh, you’re not missing much. In retrospect, it’s a pretty stupid book.

  23. Seems like opinion-sharing could be therapeutic, so here goes:

    Marquis de Sade is one of my least favorite writer/artists ever (I’m not equipped with enough historical knowledge or artistic acumen to say if he’s overrated, but I think he is), so I’m not a fan of SALO. . . except the final 10-15 minutes, which is a great, striking, challenging, memorable, brutal short film that does more to penetrate your psyche & violate your soul (& loins) than the 100 minutes of gibberish & [literal] shit to which it is unfortunately attached.
    You’re not missing much if you haven’t seen SALO, but it *is* pretty weird as a Film of Cinema, an insistently upside-down take on the didactic-yet-sly comedy of manners political allegory, which I know is a value that we all hold dear, so ymmv.

    American Psycho is a fantastic novel, and the best parts are the moments of romantic respite, when the narrator’s consciousness explores genuine desire & love for some broad with whom he wants to go half on a baby & a beach house. It’s shocking atrocity after miserable atrocity in the book, to be sure, but there’s just a couple of substantial passages where it all opens up into something beautiful (and almost hokey, like a longform Hallmark Valentine’s Day card). These brief sections somehow had the same cathartic effect on me as, like, the ending alternate-lifeline montage sequence in Spike Lee’s 25TH HOUR (or the mirror “Fuck you” montage sequence).

    LAWRENCE OF AfuckingRABIA includes a scene much more breathtakingly disturbing
    (Hint: To paraphrase my old ODA’s motto, which paraphrased Katy Perry, “He killed a guy and he liked it.”)
    than anything in most of these “extreme” films.

    CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST I watched on YT a couple years back (not giving money to animal cruelty condoners/profiteers), and I grudgingly admit it’s not bad for a movie aimed at exploitation-seeking sick fucks like me, especially its brutal screeching ending that kind of cheats, visually, but is still hard to watch.

    MARTYRS isn’t 100% successful but it’s a fantastic film and I can’t wait to find a reason to rewatch it.

  24. Mr Subtlety: Would you mind elaborating on your statement that CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, like CHAOS, is tedious, repetitive z-grade crap? I know that opinions on ANIMAL HOLOCAUST (as a friend of mine calls it) are pretty varied but I honestly didn’t think it was considered in the same unfortunate circles as movies like CHAOS.

    Jareth Cutestory: Could not agree with you more in regards to LEOLO. For better or worse, that amazing movie is just one indelible scene or set-piece after another. I also agree with you that NIGHT PORTER is superior in almost every conceivable way to SALO, but I strongly believe that no one has ever entirely completed their Important Snuff Films About Fascism studies without a viewing of IN A GLASS CAGE, which is my pick for MVP in that field.

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  27. Super late to this party, but I just wanted to thank you for the immense entertainment that reading this and the AICN talkbacks have provided me instead of the work I should’ve been doing instead. Thank you, Vern. (And Demon Dave)

  28. You’re welcome, the Winchester! For the record, Demon Dave and I are friendly now through Twitter and occasional e-mails. Not too long ago he even recommended this review to his followers on Twitter, saying it was his favorite review of the movie, including Roger Ebert’s. For my part, I sometimes wish I could’ve accepted the fight just to see what would’ve happened (assuming I would not have been permanently crippled).

  29. Vern – the thought of you and Demon Dave happily exchanging e-mails brings a slither of joy to my heart.

  30. Can’t believe this review is almost 10 years old! I’m just as delighted by it now as I was then.

    Of course after reading this over on AICN my friend and I immediately rented the dvd to watch the extras, and while they are every bit as insane as Vern describes, having read the review beforehand enhanced the viewing pleasure tenfold.

    It indicates the magic of the writing that the review would first provoke a seemingly earnest wrestling challenge, only to turn the critic and filmmaker into casual buddies. Moriarty called it – what a great moment in internet film writing.

  31. After about 10 years of CONTROVERSY I finally got around to watching CHAOS.

    So how bad can it be? Its not like LHOTL hasn’t been ripped off before. In fact, I would say LHOTL started a weird subgenre, similar to the hordes of little monsters in the wake of GREMLINS. This one comes way too close for comfort though…all the characters line up exactly, whole scenes play out line for line, shot for shot…if I wasn’t given the heads up that this was such a rip-off I would have hated it too.

    But I didn’t mind it. I could bore everyone with reasons why I thought it worked and also reasons of why bother, but whatever to all of that. In my opinion this movie is merely a jumping off point for the weirdest AND MOST EVIL DVD extra of all time! ALL TIME BABY!!

    VERN’s review, while excellent, doesn’t really do this thing justice. Even after having read it years ago and again somewhat recently, my jaw hit the fucking floor as soon as it started. This was absolutely lurid and insane in a way I couldn’t quite comprehend. I think this TRIP TO THE LA CORRINORS OFFICE or whatever the fuck finally killed the last few brain cells I had left!

    This exists as a genre all its own. Somewhere between FACES OF DEATH and an Andy Kaufman stunt I think. Too truly morbid to be funny, too dumb to be avant-garde. Just crazy. Really, really crazy.

    I must admit I laughed here and there. Mostly Dave’s over the top delivery (Hom-I-CIDDDES) and the good Doctor’s deadpan buisness as useual. But man…this was pure lunacy. There’s gotta be an award for weirdest and most fucked up DVD extra out there, because nothing even comes close.

    I also watched The Demon’s earlier effort THE BACKLOT MURDERS. This one was actually a lot of fun! Its crap…but fun crap, mostly due to a hilarious performance by The Voice of Roger Rabbit himself Charles Fleischer. Generic slasher stuff with just the right amount of dumb, and unlike CHAOS didn’t take itself too seriously. The makings of reveal a less evil Demon Dave in interviews…must not have opened the DOOR TO ULTIMATE DARKNESS yet. Unfortunatly all the kills are lame though.

    Would love to hear a review from Vern on BACKLOTMURDERS. If The Demon is still on your radar give it a looksee. I liked it slightly more than CHAOS.

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