I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern Versus 2001 MANIACS!!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

The always-brilliant Vern is back to show us how it’s done with his review today of 2001 MANIACS:

What’s up fellas,

You guys have been covering this ‘2001 MANIACS’ movie for what seems like years. Well, it seems that way because it is that way. Quint reviewed the script before Bush was even in the White House. Then you kept talking about it while it was being made and a while back I believe Moriarty personally presented a screening of it and you guys posted a bunch of reviews from the screening. That’s already more than enough coverage for a movie like this. But now that it’s found its rightful home in Direct to Video Land, it falls into my jurisdiction. I make the rules here. King Kong ain’t got shit on me, etc. etc. Anyway here’s my take in case anybody gives a shit. (Not likely.)

2001 ManiacsFIrst of all I should say upfront that I have not seen 2000 MANIACS, the H.G. Lewis movie that 2001 MANIACS is based on. So I really have nothing to compare it to except Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. And frankly, 2001: MANIACS just doesn’t stack up. I know I’m not original in saying this, but Kubrick’s film is a visionary masterpiece that even when I watch it today makes me think that movies have potential to go places that nobody is even trying to go with them. Tim Sullivan’s film is about some dickheads looking for pussy who get killed and eaten by cartoon redneck ghosts.

But let me play devil’s advocate here and say that maybe in some minor ways it’s not fair to compare a purposely bad “horror” “comedy” to one of the best and most innovative movies ever made – IF, as in this case, the latter movie was released theatrically. Okay well then if I put it that way then yes, 2001 MANIACS is a little better than HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2. It’s forgettable crap but it’s more entertaining than BOA VS. PYTHON or Wesley Snipes’s UNSTOPPABLE.

The director is Tim Sullivan, best known for his additional dialogue in RETURN OF THE ALIEN’S DEADLY SPAWN. I’m sure he’s probaly a nice guy and enthusiastic about horror movies. You can read more about him here and here. He cowrote the movie with a guy named Chris Kobin, and I will give that guy credit because he produced SLASHER, a great documentary John Landis made about selling used cars. Seriously check that one out, most people are not aware that Landis still has good movies in him.

Those are the guys who made the movie but alot of attention is also going to Eli Roth because he produced it and it’s the first release from his new production company. I forget what the company is called but I’m guessing it’s a series of greek letters. I mean seriously, I liked CABIN FEVER but I’m starting to wonder about this guy. He has another wacky cameo in this movie and looking at him, I figure he is definitely over the age of 22. So maybe it’s time for him to become a man and make his first movie that’s not about asshole frat boys trying to get laid while on vacation. Or quit pretending and just go get a job with Girls Gone Wild.

This movie even starts out with the protagonists playing a wacky joke on their uptight professor during a lecture about the civil war. Poor Peter Stormare, who plays the professor, makes them stay after class to yell at them about their “antics” and threaten to expel them. This is some universal type shit we can all relate to, because we saw that movie in the ’80s I think. There are alot of implied high fives and WHOO HOOS and our three dipshit, Jonathan Taylor Thomas looking heroes hit the road and end up in a small southern town called Pleasant Valley, where cartoonish stereotypes of “old school southerners” pretend to make them the guests of honor at an annual festival. Then it’s basically a series of scenes where the characters think they’re gonna get laid but instead get drawn and quartered or get their dick bit off by metal teeth or something. (That second one was a pretty novel idea.) It’s kind of like THE WICKER MAN as remade by whichever asshole did FLESH FOR THE BEAST. And then it leads up to a duel in a circle of fire, like CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE. Unfortunately, nobody shoves an atomic bomb down somebody’s throat like Jet Li did to Mark Dacascos in that movie. So what’s the point?

I know, I know. It’s not supposed to be scary so I can’t criticize it for not being real horror. And I know, the acting is supposed to bad so I can’t criticize it for the painfully bad southern accents. And of course it’s not supposed to be good so I can’t complain about the bad dialogue and lack of imagination (“Like I always say, two heads are better than one!” one guy says about two severed heads. Get it?) And you’re right, it’s a low budget independent movie that people worked hard on so it’s okay that it’s not funny. Not to mention it’s 2006 so I can’t complain about it not even being all that gorey or imaginative in all the killings, because we’ve seen it all before. And yeah, there is always real porn to enjoy so it’s not a big deal that for a T&A movie there is not enough lingering on the T and/or A. Okay but then what exactly is there to like? I guess I don’t really get this genre of the horror movie that’s not supposed to be scary but also isn’t really funny. And if 2000 MANIACS isn’t way more over the top gorey than this one is I wonder how the hell it got such a reputation? I just don’t get it I guess. Kubrick must be rolling in his grave.

As you know I’m a positive individual, so I’m gonna say some things I liked about the movie. Some of the cast is pretty good for this kind of thing. Robert “Freddy” Englund plays the mayor. It’s the same old shit he does in THE MANGLER and crap like that, but we all like him because he’s Freddy, and he looks funny with a confederate flag eye patch. Lynn Shaye was a good choice to be in this, you may remember her as the horrifying landlord in KINGPIN. She was also in DETROIT ROCK CITY as was this guy Giuseppe Andrews. I kind of like this guy, mainly because he keeps mentioning his love for Fassbinder and Herzog on the DETROIT ROCK CITY dvd, which is funny.

The deaths, which seem to be the whole point of the movie, are okay I guess. Like the guy who is force fed acid and he melts from the inside out. I mean it’s kind of like a SLEEPAWAY CAMP sequel with a civil war theme instead of summer camp. But to me it seemed like the deaths all happen too fast and cut away too soon. If that’s the whole point of the movie they ought to milk it more, in my opinion.

There was one little scene I liked toward the end where one of the victim characters sees a little girl by herself twisting some kind of nozzle thing and he says very sweetly, “Evening precious. What’re you doing there?” and just then he realizes that she’s torturing a rat. I don’t know, it’s a simple little joke but I thought it was better executed than the rest of the movie.

I kind of like the basic idea behind the movie. Using horror to explore the civil war, or using the civil war to explore horror, or something, is not necessarily a bad idea. The director claims there’s a metaphor for the post 9-11 world in there somewhere and I guess he’s not stretching too much. These rednecks are avenging Northerners for massacring their town, so it’s a cycle of violence committed on people that have nothing to do with the original violence, just like terrorism, just like war. I wouldn’t have really got that out of the movie without him pointing it out though so don’t worry about that one, they don’t rub your face in it. I like the ending. It wasn’t necessary for Peter Stormare to say, “Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it,” at the beginning, but I get what they’re going for.

Okay so that’s the good stuff but still I gotta ask you guys. You’re from Texas, right? Don’t you guys ever get tired of this shit? Doesn’t it piss you off to see movie after movie like this where southerners are all backwards rednecks, hicks, hillbillies, inbreds and klansmen? Or if they’re gonna do a movie about those types of characters wouldn’t it be cool if more of them were played by actors who either were or seemed to be from the south, instead of copying accents they saw on tv? I know Matthew McConaughey and Billy Bob Thornton would be pretty fuckin busy in this scenario, but we could figure something out. Wouldn’t it be nice to see a movie about the south where nobody ever mentions the “squeal like a pig” scene in DELIVERANCE? Just once? And no sheepfuckers or lynch mobs? Shit, I’m not saying to ignore the history of racism in the south (or anywhere else) but these characters have nothing to do with real life, they’re just the ten thousandth echo of a hundred thousand other movies about killer rednecks. Especially when the quality of the movie is not all that hot, I think this type of shit would piss me off if I was you.

Anyway, that’s my take on this one. Put it in a category with ‘2010: THE YEAR WE MAKE CONTACT [not the movie contact but the actual contact with the aliens is what we make in that year]’ at best. But before I go, I wanted to say something for the couple of people that worry about me for putting myself on the line and heroically watching all these bad DTV movies. You might be relieved to know that I actually saw one I thought was pretty good. It’s been out forever though which is why I’m not reviewing it here. The movie is CARLITO’S WAY: RISE TO POWER, the prequel to the DePalma film, but based on the book that came before the book that the DePalma film is based on. Of course, it suffers from casting the chump from HOSTEL in Al Pacino’s role, but taken only as a DTV sequel and not as a real one, it’s pretty fucking good. DTV veteran Mario Van Peebles is especially great in a badass blaxploitation performance that makes you wish the movie was all about him.

Also a quick update for my fellow Seagalogists. You may have heard the news that Seagal is going to film a new “semi-comeback movie” in New Orleans. It’s called PRINCE OF PISTOLS and features cameos by various blues legends as well as Seagal’s own music. (He did the same thing in TICKER but he wasn’t even the star of that movie, so this one should be better.) That one has the more awesome title, but I’m also interested in HARVESTER because it has a character called “Alien Queen” in it which opens up the possibility that it takes place in space, which is also where 2001 takes place. IMDB lists HARVESTER as being in post-production so hopefully it’s too late for him to take the aliens out, as he did with the “biological mutants” he was originally supposed to fight in SUBMERGED. But to me maybe the most exciting Seagal news is that the movie that has been listed on IMDB for a while as “MERCENARY” has now suddenly become MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE. He turned OUT FOR JUSTICE into OUT FOR A KILL and OUT OF REACH so I’m glad he’s finally figured out a way to use the JUSTICE part again too. Hopefully HARVESTER will become HARVESTER TO KILL before we know it.

that’s it, thanks,

Vern

Excellent work, Vern, and if HARVESTER TO KILL does end up taking place in space, I will make that review top story of the day. Guaranfuckingteed.

“Moriarty” out.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/22433

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 10:06 p.m. CST

    First?

    by The_Closet_Nerd

    Dare I dream?

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 10:07 p.m. CST

    Nice review, Vern

    by pfizzle

    Been waiting to hear some trustworthy word on this flick. House of the Dead 2 had its tiny, tiny glimmers of feigned interest, so to know it is at least better than that doesn’t completely destroy my interest.

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 10:10 p.m. CST

    foist..

    by nolan bautista

    oh well back to jackin’off..to the teen chat lines!!

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 10:21 p.m. CST

    i like rednecks

    by georges garvaren

    and i liked that review too

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 11:34 p.m. CST

    Vern, you are my hero.

    by Hung-Wei Lo

    Just so you know, I did see the original 2000 Maniacs about 18 years ago, back when I was WELL underage (young ladies, please, please, one at a time) and it warped me pretty bad. Having read your review, I must concur — it sounds like you did the right thing by comparing 2001 Maniacs to 2001: A Space Oddysey. You didn’t miss anything by not watching the original — despite my young fragile mind, I do remember it being pretty campy and bad. I look forward to your future reviews of Wild Things 4: T & A, Species IV: Just Get Naked Already, and The Never Ending Story: The Final Chapter.

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 11:47 p.m. CST

    by Avenger534

    I was kinda thrown off by the whole “2001: A Space Odyssey” thing, but I eventually got the point: waste of time; best to avoid watching.

  • Feb. 9, 2006, 11:49 p.m. CST

    previous comment

    by Avenger534

    … at least for my tastes, anyway. You guys and gals can do whatever.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 12:15 a.m. CST

    Gold As Usual, Vern!

    by buster00

    Keep up the good work…if you even call it work…

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 12:15 a.m. CST

    In other words Vern…

    by Neosamurai85

    it is because you, “choose to?” Peace.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 1:16 a.m. CST

    So…is there a review in there somewhere?

    by KCMOSHer

    In my journalistic past, I was definitely guilty of drifting off topic on a regular basis. (Writing my E3 preview as if zombies had invaded the place, literally, is a good example.) But this…what the fuck? I mean, the man can’t stop digressing long enough to actually have written anything to digress from. He things it sucks, isn’t funny, isn’t gory, doesn’t have enough T&A, isn’t scary, is badly acted, etc. Not a real -critique- in any of that, just a very long screed that sums up as ‘it sucked, but I like the rat part’. I’ve seen the movie, and I can definitely say Vern has his head shoved squarely up his ass. The kills are absolutely inventive, they are absolutely gory, and the movie is the funniest, most politically incorrect thing since Team America: World Police. I just have no idea why in the world you’d waste AICN real estate on this POS review that spends more time dithering on about 2001: A Space Odyssey, John Landis movies, Eli Roth (who only produced the damn thing, it isn’t -his- movie), Jet Li movies, Detroit Rock City, Sleepaway Camp, Carlito’s Way: Rise To Power, and a shitload of other completely irrelevant bullshit than he does actually going over the film in question with ANY actual criticism or analysis. Are you guys THIS desperate for writers? Shit, I’m available, and if I wander off into nowhere-land while writing a piece, at least it’s mildly entertaining and not a bunch of literary masturbation.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 1:33 a.m. CST

    Still loving Vern

    by El Vale

    The man does not dissapoint. Seriously Vern, you should give courses or something. Teach people how to be more like you. ‘2010: THE YEAR WE MAKE CONTACT [not the movie contact but the actual contact with the aliens is what we make in that year]’ Ahhhhh joy. KCMOSHer: What a pompous asshole you are, jeez! Questioning Vern’s reviews is like asking why Takashi Miike makes crazy movies. “But i don’t get it, i mean…these movies are crazy! WTF? I don’t get it, seriously, i mean they’re crazy, can’t you see?” That’s the fucking point, idiot. You either get it or you don’t and if you don’t then you’re an idiot.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 1:55 a.m. CST

    bless you

    by BitterMan23

    only reason i still come here is verns reviews.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:01 a.m. CST

    Boom shakalaka

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    Can’t wait to see this badboy. Sweet review too.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:01 a.m. CST

    KCMOSHer, let me explain without trying to demean you.

    by Hung-Wei Lo

    …as I’m sure you will get thrashed much worse by other Vern fans like me. I have a feeling we’ve already lost you, and you will never see the glory of these reviews as you’ve already made up your mind about Vern. You pretty much hit his review on the nose. The fun in Vern’s reviews is not so much about the plot points or the storylines or characters (or whether he likes the movie or not), but more in how he relates the movie to pointless other things that make us laugh. Also, we’re not desperate for AICN writers that we enjoy his material, as he’s been a regular contributor for years to AICN, and his reviews are not self-masturbatory like Harry’s reviews (Although I’m sure Vern masturbates to his reviews like I do). You claim that you can write better than him in this shitty style, then please, by all means, contribute your journalistic prowess to us. I’d welcome two Verns over two Harry reviews anyday. Peace.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:01 a.m. CST

    El Vale

    by KCMOSHer

    Last time I checked, this was a site that talks about movies. As far as I’ve read, this is AICN’s review of the 2001 Maniac DVD (Vern mentions it as such, saying now that it’s direct-to-video, it’s in his domain). That said, I dunno, I’d like to have an ACTUAL FUCKING REVIEW. Yeah, I’m a pompous asshole because I expect a movie site to actually write about the movies they say they’re writing about. If there’s some joke here I’m missing, perhaps the articles should be titled ‘VERN’S VERBAL WANK SESSIONS’ instead of reviews. You can go back to sucking him off now, I’m done with ya.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:08 a.m. CST

    Okay, I get it

    by KCMOSHer

    You all love Vern specifically because he doesn’t actually review the movies he’s claiming to review. Right on. More power to ya. I won’t make the mistake of actually attempting to read one again, as I come here to read about movies and not read some guy’s not-really-funny pseudo-reviews. I don’t agree with Harry’s reviews often, and probably agree with you that a great deal of the time he lets his own personal passion for a film (or against it) cloud his actual critical judgement of it, but at least he actually talks about the fucking movie, and not 15 other unrelated projects. If you’re -really- interested in reading my stuff, feel free. I used to write for a very popular horror site that was recently absorbed, blob-style, by something that doesn’t exist. I used a newer moniker there, one that’s a little more suited to horror, especially if you like Ray Bradbury and Jonathan Pryce…and that’s it for me on this talkback, you kids have fun bashing a movie for absolutely no reason, considering you’re responding to a review that doesn’t even review the film.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Just for Kansas City Mosher

    by Vern

    Here are some of the points I made about the movie. 1. It’s a horror comedy that isn’t really trying to be scary of funny, which is a pretty big genre and I admit I don’t get the appeal. 2. I want to like Eli Roth but think he needs to get off this Adventures of Three Pussyhounds On Spring Break motif 3. I criticized the pathetic 1986ishness of the opening lecture hall scene 4. I described the death scenes as the main purpose of the movie, said I kind of liked some of them but thought they were too rushed 5. I specifically complimented the rat scene as a well executed scene 6. I also complimented some of the cast, the basic premise and theme of the movie and briefly hit on its political subtext, but pointed out that it’s subtle and not some bang you over the head political allegory 7. I noted that because it’s designed to be campy some people, and this turns out to include you, would consider it to be above criticism. But personally I believe that no one is above the law, not even Henry Silva in ABOVE THE LAW. 8. I questioned what southerners like Harry and Quint think of a movie like this that to me seems like it’s trying to paint Harry and everyone he knows as a bunch of ignorant inbred bigoted sheepfuckers. I think this is a legitimate issue that I haven’t seen brought up alot that is larger than just this movie, and therefore worthwhile bringing up. That’s some of what I wrote about. I figure you got a pretty good idea what I thought about the movie and why. It’s more than you’d get in a typical newspaper review or some shit. Where is the NOT A REVIEW in there? If anything I went on for too long about a movie that’s not worth that much attention. Somehow I don’t think you would’ve considered it a review unless the only point I made was “I loved it! Me and KCMosher were fuckin laughin our asses off at that one part with the sheep!” I can’t do that though because I didn’t like it as much as you did, sorry. Nothing against you, people just like different things. As for the Seagal news, most people here know that that’s my thing. And now you do too. If you’re gonna tell me with a straight face that 2001 MANIACS is more important to the world than Seagal’s next three movies then I’m gonna have to show you the fuckin door, pal. But hopefully it won’t come to that. Thanks bud. p.s. Don’t give up on your writing and let me know if you need any advice or encouragement

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:57 a.m. CST

    Jeffmcm…

    by drew mcweeny

    … no, you didn’t. In fact, you still haven’t seen it in a video store. Release date: March 28th, 2006. A year ago at this time, it wasn’t even finished. But please… keep nitpicking. Even when you’re completely wrong.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:58 a.m. CST

    Good Texan=Stone Cold

    by proper

    Vern does his job,I saw Stander the other day,that was a good film,Vern represented that film here.Job done.Thomas Jane was a ok choice for but could of been a better Punisher(I don’t want war:0 but this guy is the Punisher, it could been so much more http://tinyurl.com/az3bd),the new comics are excellent to me and make that film look like some Golan/Globus Cannonesque tin,wack,swag etc,if they make a sequel I want see that stuff,no chance I know).As far as different review styles,everybody should have their own approach as standard.As far as being on a genre level It’s always been a matter of taking a chance on a off key/obscure film and making something of the time spent on watching it and in some peoples cases(some of you prehaps ;>) throwing a review out there that may or may not appeal to a certian genre sensibillity so at the very worst there is no harm done is there??????.http://tinyurl.com/759zg.So this film basically is for the Fangoria self conscious crew then.Jokes anyway everytime :).Whens Blade 4,Rock remakes Predator and Land of and Dawn of 2 coming out then????. I’ve got to watch something to help kill out the time until the wedding crashers rematch in 2007.http://tinyurl.com/c7nrz

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 3:18 a.m. CST

    Black Banner Vern

    by Ken Luxury Yacht

    Another sliver of fried gold served up as a review by our man Vern, so good work fella. But… how come you don’t warrant the black banner treatment in talkbacks like Harry, Mori et al. With your rabib fan base expanding by the review, I think this should be sorted out ASAP, or the boys at AICN could well be looking at a bloody mutany round these parts. Anyhoo, keep up the good work all.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 3:20 a.m. CST

    rabib…

    by Ken Luxury Yacht

    rabib? Lordy. Rabid. But I trust you go that.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 4:16 a.m. CST

    Wow…I thought this was dead…

    by Negative Man

    was hearing about this flick for years and dreaded it. And now it seems I was right to. It could have been a very hardcore NC-17 (Or X to us old-schoolers) movie that had a point. But it sounds just kinda HOSTEL/HIGH TENSION blah. Full of potential that collapses under the weight of the idea. It ends in one word: Netflix!

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 5:20 a.m. CST

    to proper and negative man

    by Vern

    PROPER: I’m glad you liked STANDER, bud. To me that is the biggest unrecognized gem in years. THE PUNISHER is nowhere near is good but I enjoyed it up until he made the explosions in the shape of a skull. I had low expectations though, and I don’t know the comic strip, and I haven’t even seen the Dolph Lundgren version (yet) so I didn’t have to be picky. Also, if you were saying that STONE COLD kicks ass, then I agree. NEGATIVE MAN: I wouldn’t really compare it to HOSTEL or HIGH TENSION because the tone is more like a Troma movie.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 5:50 a.m. CST

    what about natalie merchant and the other 7999 maniacs?

    by newc0253

    get it? hur hur.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 6:31 a.m. CST

    nice 1 Vern

    by proper

    This Stone Cold was cool http://tinyurl.com/8xnyn (don’t mess with John Huff,Chains Cooper did and got it ;>),but the Stone Cold I was refering to was Texas’ own http://tinyurl.com/73k2n.Get picky,the new Punisher comics are up your street trust me and the Dolph version is ok because Lou Gossett shows up but still nowhere near.Take it EZ.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 7:57 a.m. CST

    but Vern, you can’t criticize Roth on this site

    by Peven

    just wait until Harry sees you dissed his boy. now you’re going to have to write a column trashing Ratner for a movie that isn’t going to be released for 3 more months just to make it up to Harry. seriously, keep up the good work though, your review gives a good idea of what to expect from this flick. not much.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 8 a.m. CST

    Excellent, Vern, as always.

    by DocPazuzu

    And yes, Stander was great. I think Jane made a decent Punisher, despite being well over four feet tall. The film went straight down the toilet, however, when Castle fought Duke Nukem in his apartment.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 8:02 a.m. CST

    about being a Texan

    by johnnyangelheart

    Hollywood’s representation of Texans isn’t so bad because you get the redneck bullshit balanced off by the mythological cowboy bullshit. But Texas is as much a western state as it is a southern state. It’s the rest of the south that should be pissed off. They are almost always represented as being a bunch of idiot redneck racists. Which of course they are. Heehee.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 8:52 a.m. CST

    Nice job, Vern, but you left off Shadows of the Past.

    by FatPaul

    So, those really aren’t the next three Seagal movies. Mercenary for Justice (to be released April 25th, mark your calendars) is probably going to be followed by Shadows of the Past, which may or may not involve the past in some way, shape or form. I don’t like to nitpick, but this is Seagal we’re talking about. Speaking of which, the rumor is that Daniel Lee (director of Black Mask and the Seagal-produced Dragon Squad) might be directing Prince of Pistols (to begin shooting March 14th). That would be pretty cool if it turns out to be true.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 10:35 a.m. CST

    2001: A Space Oddessey

    by Lovecraftfan

    For me Kubrik is knock it out of the park (The Shining, Dr. Strangelove, among others) or fail miserably (Eyes Wide Shut, Barry Lyndon). 2001 falls ina special category for me. I can appreciate why its a classic but that doesnt make it any less boring for me.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 10:44 a.m. CST

    why do ppl act like this guy’s a good reviewer?

    by chickychow

    he stinks.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 10:45 a.m. CST

    detroid rock city was fucked

    by BendersShinyAss

    piece. of. shit!

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 11:04 a.m. CST

    Will this persecution of racist southern hillbillies…

    by cookylamoo

    never end. My God, anyone who has toured the American south knows that these are some of the gentlest, most open minded people on earth. Ah-Yep!

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 11:24 a.m. CST

    “why do ppl act like this guy’s a good reviewer?”

    by newc0253

    because he makes wry, ironic comments about D-list, straight-to-video hollywood films. it’s very difficult to do, apparently, but if you do it right, then you’ll have lots of talkbackers posting about how witty you are.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Not seen the Dolph Lundgren version!?!?

    by Neosamurai85

    Gasp! May I suggest it back to back with Red Sun for a nice eclectic slice of kickass? Ok maybe I Come in Peace is more up to snuff, but I still can’t get over that Harry had not seen that until a year or two ago… that is if he ever actually did see it. Anyway, yeah Dolph Lundgren version rules. Peace.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Thank you, Vern

    by Poacher

    Yes, it does get tiresome seeing the caricatures of Southerners. Honestly, if the guy who made it were Southern, I’d be okay with it, but obviously he’s not, because he would’ve had real Southerners in those roles. We do enough making fun of our own kind down here. We really don’t need people who’ve never stepped foot below the Mason-Dixon line (Florida doesn’t count) telling us how ignorant and racist we are…pfft, as if we don’t already know.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 1:05 p.m. CST

    Verns african american

    by BendersShinyAss

    He’s no longer the best reviewer! (I kid)

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:32 p.m. CST

    Shadows of the Past

    by Vern

    Thanks Fat Paul, I didn’t mention Shadows in the story because I figured that one was old news, but I did slip up in the talkback there. Hope that doesn’t destroy my reputation in academic circles. Shadows of the Past is an exciting one because he supposedly plays a doctor at a hospital in post ww2 Japan, like it’s his serious drama or something. We’ll see. And by the way, I am not african american, not sure where that came from. I am actually white as you can tell by my fascination with black culture.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Vern is a Wigger!!!!

    by johnnyangelheart

    Not that I mind. I just like saying that word.

  • Feb. 10, 2006, 8:12 p.m. CST

    Johnny Angel

    by Vern

    Classy man, real classy.

  • Feb. 11, 2006, 6:11 a.m. CST

    VERN: “…protagonists…” –good word!

    by Darth Bono Jr.

    Your commitment to quality is unwavering. I like that. Gene Shallit probably would have said “the main characters.” But he’s a pin head…and you are THE MAN!

  • Feb. 11, 2006, 10:22 a.m. CST

    I apologize

    by johnnyangelheart

    if my attempt at humor was in poor taste. I just think ‘wigger’ is a funny word.

  • Feb. 11, 2006, 11:36 a.m. CST

    Vern truly is a golden god

    by Silver_Joo

    As a fellow Seagalologist who actually thought Into The Sun was a return to form for Seagal, I can only tip my hat to the work Vern does.

  • Feb. 28, 2006, 6:26 p.m. CST

    stunts

    by horror kid

    great stunts in the movie. The motorcycle stuff was cool.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 9th, 2006 at 11:02 pm and is filed under AICN, Comedy/Laffs, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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