So once again we have survived.

Brothers Grimm

Ever since that documentary LOST IN LA MANCHA, Terry Gilliam has a reputation as the bad luck director who can’t finish a movie without the Lord dropping down on him like a bag of cinder blocks. I heard he writes his shooting schedules under a ladder on the 13th day of the month. It’s been what, six years since FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, he’s been trying to make movies since then but this is the first one to make it to the screen. People figure it’s a miracle if he can shoot a scene that is not interupted by an act of God, let alone finish a whole movie and have it released in theaters. So in that sense, THE BROTHERS GRIMM is a miracle. Because it is a finished movie with credits and everything. They even made a poster I think.

As far as actual entertainment value though it’s maybe a little less miraculous, in my opinion. The main problem: the first hour. A man of my knowledge and insights, I oughta be able to put my finger on it more than that, but all I can say is I was bored as shit for the first half of this movie. Nothing really painfully lame or anything but it’s just not involving and not in the usual Terry Gilliam way where he overwhelms and disorients you with his powerful imagination rays. It looks like a Terry Gilliam movie, it seems like an okay premise for a Terry Gilliam movie, but it just doesn’t click. It’s not funny. It’s not that clever. And takes for fucking ever to get going.

The Brothers GrimmI don’t know for sure what happened but this is my guess. The poor bastard spends all these years doing these weird fantasies about the power of imagination and what not, then suddenly he takes a left turn and makes that great adaptation of FEAR AND LOATHING. It makes sense that he was the guy who could pull that movie off, but at the same time it’s pretty different from castles and hot air balloons and flying around on wings and shit. And all that heat, something in his brain cracked. So now he goes back and tries to do Don Quixote, he can’t do it without disaster: floods and sickness and I forget, did anybody get eaten by locusts in that documentary? He has such a hard time he figures what the hell, after all these years of fierce uncompromising independence, it’s time to take one for the team. He does one for hire, from somebody else’s script (the chump who wrote SCREAM 3) just to get his camera rolling again. But I bet he doesn’t really have his heart in it.

I mean you can tell it’s a Terry Gilliam movie. There are faces in this you would only see in a Terry Gilliam movie or maybe a Disneyland ride. And crazy shit nobody else would put in their movie. But you want the whole movie to be good, not just little spots. I don’t think it has a point of view like his other movies. It’s not trying to say anything. And because you’re not busy being dazzled or nothin, it’s easy to notice that.

I had really given up on the movie, and it was definitely too late to redeem it entirely, but suddenly out of nowhere there’s a crazy fucked up scene involving an evil horse. And if you’ve seen the american remake of THE RING, which was written by the same guy, you will remember that the best scene in there was also a crazy fucked up scene involving an evil horse. So it is easy to conclude that this Ehren Krueger guy is afraid of horses. I am afraid of horses too ever since a month ago or so when I read about the guy dropped off at a hospital in Enumclaw, Washington bleeding to death from his colon. Turned out he had been on a farm with a horse and, you know, I think you can add that one up. I mean I’m guessing the bleeder was the instigator but I still don’t trust any animal that knows how to do that. Ever since then I been avoiding rural areas.

There’s no way Ehren Krueger knew about that one though because this movie has been in the vaults for a while, it’s part of The Great Weinstein Purge of ’05 (dumping off all the shelved Miramax movies before they go off to their new company). So Ehren Krueger if you’re out there, you were right to be suspicious of the horses. Stay away from those beasts. Remember Enumclaw.

Okay so where was I. The scene with the horse. By the way, just to be clear, the horse in this movie does not fuck anybody to death. That kind of thing only happens in real life. This was something else and it was a good scene. A bright spot in a dull landscape. Then about halfway through the movie, when Heath Ledger climbs up into a Rapunzel-type tower, suddenly the movie starts working. This really is the first time in the movie where I started to be interested in what was going on. Suddenly you start to see what’s going on with this curse and an evil queen and there are more concentrated instances of the crazy fantasy shit Mr. Gilliam enjoys. It’s all based on fairy tales of course but they did it better than you might expect. All the events related to fairy tales are different from the stories we know, mixed up and nightmarish. And they never try to point fingers at it or comment on it. “This would make a great fairy tale! I’m writing this shit down!” There’s weird special effects and two really spectacular monsters. There is one scene that looks more like a Jan Svankmajer short than a studio movie. (Yes, I know who Jan Svankmajer is. Some animation guy.) Anyway this crazy scene was probaly worth sitting through the rest of the movie for.

Honestly, if I had walked in at the halfway point, I would’ve thought it was a good movie. I recommend showing up real fuckin late to this one. You will miss all the fandango ads, the invasion of the fantanas and the one where you put a Black Eyed Peas song on your phone so let’s say your friends are stranded on a mountain or something and you’re their only hope of rescue, they will have to listen to a song before you answer and hopefully their battery won’t die. It’s hard to explain but that’s what the ad said, I was supposed to buy a cell phone, then I was supposed to pay to have it play a hot new song to anybody who calls me. If you’re late for the movie you won’t find out how much you need that important new service and also you will not be as bored during this movie.

I guess in a way this is like so many of the fantasy movies of the ’80s and back then. They got no sense of humor, the characters are dull as a butterknife, but every 20 minutes or so there is an awesome stop motion monster or puppet or something. Now that I look at it that way I guess it’s better than DRAGONSLAYER or KRULL or something. Hey, maybe it’s not that bad. But between the scary monster bits, it seems like the movie is supposed to be whimsical. I felt like I was supposed to be having a whole fuck of alot more fun than I was actually having.

This really feels like a miss to me. I wouldn’t think it would be like WEDDING CRASHERS or MRS. DOUBTFIRE or something where I’d say, “Yeah, pretty bad, I’m sure it will be huge.” But on the other hand, the screening I saw it at seemed to go over really well. There was actually alot of applause at the end. So who knows. Maybe it will make money and the Man will let Terry Gilliam make another movie. If not, I think he already finished one called TIDELAND during the time this was in the can. So we’ll get at least one more. Unless it gets shelved, destroyed by a flood, or fucked to death by a horse.

Originally posted at Aint-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=21101

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 6:32 a.m. CST

    Sounds like “Grimm” is for Gilliams oeuvre, what “Hollow Man” wa

    by DerLanghaarige

    A mediocre mainstream film, with some scenes that only THIS director would made

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 6:58 a.m. CST

    oeuvres…

    by Pacino86845

    Ok, I like Verhoeven as much as the next guy, but goddam I just don’t see oeuvre in Robocop, Total Recall, or Starship Troopers. Good, hell great movies, but oeuvres? Hors d’oeuvres maybe, but damn…

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:03 a.m. CST

    fucked to death by a horse

    by ectocriminal

    one man’s hell is another man’s heaven…

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:13 a.m. CST

    But what if …

    by First

    But what if you’re a Terry Gilliam fan who thinks (unlike every other TG fan) that Time Bandits wasn’t very good? That would be me. I like the old Python stuff. I liked Brazil, Munchausen, Twelve Monkeys, and sorta liked Fisher King. (I haven’t seen all of F&L.) But I didn’t really enjoy Time Bandits. So … Will >>I<< like Grimm?

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:23 a.m. CST

    Atleast 12 Monkeys was good

    by liljuniorbrown

    Oh well ,off topic post, Does anybody know if they are going to release on DVD The Adventures of Superboy TV series from the late eighties early 1990’s? They have released every other series that has been on TV to DVD i just thought maybe somebody would know.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:29 a.m. CST

    hmmm

    by ALUCINOR11

    I actually think a departure from the typical Gilliam might be a good thing..now if the movie isn’t good then there is no excuse. But to bash it because it’s unlike his previous work is kind of dumb in my opinion.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:37 a.m. CST

    knowthyself..

    by cyanide christ

    I just checked with the man upstairs and….yes you are the only one who hated that movie. Try reading the book and then watching the movie again, that’s what made me really appreciate it.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:51 a.m. CST

    Depp last ten performances

    by Pacino86845

    What, you think he was good in Secret Window? Or From Hell? These were not crappy movies with a great Depp performance, they were crappy movies with a tired and boring Depp performance.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 7:59 a.m. CST

    “This would make a great fairy tale! I’m writing this shit d

    by Archduke_Chocula

    Checking this out this weekend, even with the lukewarm reviews.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 8:07 a.m. CST

    I knew there was reason to worry when I looked at Dark Horizons

    by The True Priapic

    Dark Horizons should have known better,I hope Garth got paid shitloads because his homepage is fucking horrible.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 8:21 a.m. CST

    President Evil

    by Pacino86845

    Well, listen Mr./Ms. President Evil, Johnny Depp is in fact my favorite actor, and has been for about 9-10 years… but I have to say that I have been upset by a couple of his performances. Nevertheless, I still find that he has one of the best hit-or-miss track records in the industry. Didn’t mean to touch you.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 8:23 a.m. CST

    Gilliam’s Problem (Gift / Curse) Is That He’s An Artist

    by ZombieSolutions

    which is why Hollywood is so leary of him. it’s not “acts of god” which nag him (although they did on LAMANCHA) so doggedly, as acts of his own stubborn drive for total creative freedom no matter what the cost. Gilliam’s imagination is HUGE. Unfortunately, it also happens to be HUGELY EXPENSIVE when it comes to film. BRAZIL is a brilliant film, got great reviews, but the cost overruns were legendary, and the returns were not (most artfilms don’t make big money at the box office). but the real killer was BARON MUNCHAUSEN which went so far overbudget as to threaten the existance of the studio — this is what started his problems with Those Who Hold The Purse Strings, not LA MANCHA. i was hoping that the relatively inexpensive CG technology would work in Gilliam’s favor. alas, reviews or Grimm have been good, but not career-savingly good. sad as it is to say, i think Gilliam’s ship may have sailed. i think he should focus on smaller productions like BBC specials / cable specials instead. the cost is lower, and much more can be achieved. the vision may not be as grand, but, more managable. and limitations have a curious way of forcing brilliance to show itself.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 8:38 a.m. CST

    Pres

    by Pacino86845

    Hmm… I wasn’t freaking out or anything… actually I was trying to come off apologetic, but I guess that was lost in translation. Er, I’d have to agree with you on the Pirates movie, but to call the man a genius in every way is a wee bit overzealous, don’t you think? And about the word “touch

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 9:02 a.m. CST

    I’d rather eat my own shit than see this movie

    by Drunken Rage

    “F&L” was unwatchable.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Gilliam

    by David Assholehof

    I can understand some of your disapointment in this film, but you all know Terry Gilliam is a genius. To get less than one would expect from a genius is a let down. Fear and Loathing was ok and Tideland looks ok, but they arent his best genre, obviously. Well, then there was The Fisher King, which ranks up there (For me) with Time Bandits, 12 Monkeys, Baron Munchausen and the Python stuff. He MADE Fisher King a fantasy. Fantasy is his bag. This one should have been a grand slam for him. It was given to him on a silver platter. “Here’s a fantasy, Mr Gilliam, and a yacht, please make this movie”. Maybe it was too obvious and stinted his creatity?

    I’m still gonna go see it. :-)

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 9:29 a.m. CST

    “Cost overruns” a myth

    by Phloton

    Gilliam actually turns in his films on time and sometimes under budget. The only real monetary disaster was Munchausen, because of the way it was financed with European money, and the producers were idiots. Brazil being HUGELY EXPENSIVE is a lie conjured by Sid Sheinberg at Universal to discredit Gilliam simply because he didn’t like the movie. The reason Gilliam has such a hard time in Hollywood is because asshole executives still believe in the legends and not the truth.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 9:37 a.m. CST

    still looks like van helsing with fairy tale characters instead

    by silverdog

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Hey let’s got to the movies.

    by ghkilgore

    So it has been a busy summer. I feel like seeing a flick after work. Let me check what’s playing. Crap, where are the good movies? There is nothing good to see?

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:36 a.m. CST

    I couldn’t finish reading the review after the horse rape th

    by Big Bad Clone

    gives new meaning to the term “horse back riding”

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Spoiler! *The movie sucks* -no kidding..

    by Puddleglum1

    But that was worth reading just for your review, Vern-o. Thanks.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:50 a.m. CST

    I don’t think he’s all that different

    by zekmoe

    than most directors. Some movies are good (12 monkeys, Fisher King), some are bad (munchausen, Fear and Loathing), one or 2 sneak thru as classics(Holy Grail, Brazil) and some are forgettable, medeocre movies. Although I haven’t seen it yet, Grimm seems to be in that category.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:50 a.m. CST

    I’d rather be watching….

    by Ugee

    Quite honestly..I’d rather watch Antonio Gates rip it up on the grid iron than to give this piece of crap movie a chance. I saw a preview of this movie and it looked like Matt was actually LAUGHING while saying his lines!!!

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:54 a.m. CST

    Fear & Loathing

    by RezE11even

    Is amazing. Watch it 2 or 3 times, see if it grows on you. I didn’t really like it after the first viewing.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 11:01 a.m. CST

    fully agree

    by lopan

    fear & loathing definitely took more than one viewing to sink in. now i love it to death, but after the first time i was kinda like, “ehhh.” and whoever said munchausen was bad should be taken out back and summarily executed. that movie is pure fucking genius.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 11:32 a.m. CST

    Re: Fear and Loathing.

    by dr_dreadlocks

    I think the general aimless attitude of the film can hamper the initial viewing. Simply because you have no idea where it’s going to go (which a lot of people find uncomfortable) and the style is very VERY strange, even for Gilliam. Once that has all been consumed after the initial viewing you do get used to it and have space to enjoy the film. Since it really is an all out attack on the senses. But honestly I still can’t enjoy it that much because it FEELS like an acid trip, and I don’t want to go through an acid trip, I’m sorry. It’s like trying to navigate a drunken orgy while blindfolded. Ridiculously uncomfortable, disheartening, and overly long. But Gilliam sure did distill the feeling well. But I’m not sure if that was a good or bad thing.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 11:39 a.m. CST

    by foreignerbelt

    uh… I have stopped reading the article. not because its bad. just because someone just instigated one of the most horrific strings of imagery that my inner mind has ever known. now I, too, am afraid of horses…you are not allowed to ask me to explain why…

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:09 p.m. CST

    yeah, vern is the best.

    by mocky_puppet

    go to outlawvern.com and read his collected works on Die Hard–fantastic.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:14 p.m. CST

    Lost

    by Reacher

    Isn’t it possible that Gilliam, for all his previous greatness, is putting more substances into his body than substance into his film. Lost in La Mancha was like watching that old Montgomery Clift TVA film where Clift was drunk all the time.

    Perhaps an intervention is in order.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:19 p.m. CST

    Fear and loathing…

    by Godardwhowhatnow

    Was great, possibly overrated, but with the Hunter Thompson commentary on the criterion DVD is easily the best movie ever created by Earthlings

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:34 p.m. CST

    Beware the horses!

    by quadrupletree

    Vern you rock! That was some funny shit.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:37 p.m. CST

    As always, Vern…

    by DocPazuzu

    …great stuff. I love Gilliam’s work and would like nothing better than for him to constantly churn out his unique visions. The problem is that the system is such that if you want that kind of creative control with decent budgets in Hollywood, you have to play ball for a while – put in a few years of commercial product and earn that power. I wish it weren’t so, but at the same time I keep thinking of the films that Gilliam could have made during the past 15 years if he had spent maybe the five years before that making studio-sanctioned movies (which needn’t automatically have been shit, you know). As much as I love Brazil and 12 Monkeys and Time Bandits, I get annoyed while watching them because his stubbornness has in a way robbed us of some potential masterpieces he could have made if he had just sucked it up for a while. I admire his tenacity, but the cost for his fans is becoming much too high.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:37 p.m. CST

    by eg4190

    Brazil only cost $10-15 million, which even adjusting for inflation is pretty remarkable considering the scale and quality of the visuals. Monty Python and the Holy Grail cost $250,000. Not sure about Fear and Loathing, but I’d be surprised if it was very expensive. If anything, Gilliam is a master at wringing great visuals out of a meager budget. His undeserved reputation as a spendthrift is comparable to Orson Welles'(although I think many have already belabored the obvious parallels between the two filmmakers after La Mancha). Gilliam’s real problems go back to his turning down Enemy Mine. The studios were willing to fully bankroll and support Brazil, they just wanted him to make that shitty movie with Dennis Quaid and Louis Gosset Jr. in lame alien makeup. He never stepped back and did one for the studio… a hangup that contemporaries like Tim Burton have no problem with. So the studios reluctantly give him money, he makes an art house film, they see the final product and balk, he throws temper tantrums, and they dump the movie into limited release with no marketing, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Looks like he tried to sell out with Grimm, but it’s probably too late for him to cozy up to the suits, and I suspect that he has too much artistic integrity to make a good mainstream movie. Could be that he subconsciously sabotaged this one.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 12:44 p.m. CST

    eg4190

    by Godardwhowhatnow

    Interesting commentary… I never knew that about Enemy Mine.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 1:25 p.m. CST

    I’m sorry…

    by Neosamurai85

    I keep trying to read this… I keep trying to post something… but I can’t get past the horsefucker fucked to death by a fucking fuckerhorse… that’s… um… I’m blank here. Peace.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 1:25 p.m. CST

    Cry of the fanboy: “But maybe it’ll be good!”

    by Some Dude

    Sure, kid. Even Gilliam says he has a turd on his hands. But go and try some anyway.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 2:28 p.m. CST

    some comments

    by Vern

    Sorry for sharing my horror at the horsefucking. I thought this tale had spread throughout the world by now but if I gave you nightmares for ten years, sorry. And welcome to the club. Also, I probaly shouldn’t have brought up Wedding Crashers again but I gotta go against the grain on that one. That is not a quality piece of work. It’s moronic shit with 5-10 minutes of good improv. There are people who are ahead of their time, guys like Magellan, the Lord, etc. I am apparently one of those guys in this case, but I’m probaly only about 6-12 months ahead of when everybody else will forget about the movie forever and no longer admit that they thought at the time it was something more than mildly amusing. My point is that there are movies that are huge hits and it’s not a surprise, because people like crap like that (see: Big Momma’s House, Nutty Professor, Hitch, etc). This isn’t bad in that same way. This is bad in a more vague “something is just not connecting in this story” kind of way. But like I said it gets good later on and alot of people somehow seemed to love it so hopefully some of you out there will enjoy it and not be disappointed.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 2:38 p.m. CST

    Yeah…

    by Neosamurai85

    I mean it’s bad enough I usally feed my horse at night and have to walk down a dark wooded path to get to him… Yeeeesh! Peace.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 3 p.m. CST

    I saw the trailer last night….

    by OriginalThinker

    the special effects looked like Van Helsing, i almost started laughing. so when vern says “wierd special effetcs” i think shitty special effects and hes trying to be nice to gilliam.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 3:58 p.m. CST

    hey…

    by mocky_puppet

    …why no black box for vern? he deserves a black talkback box more than some of the other people that get them. i begin the online petition to earn vern his own black box.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 4:01 p.m. CST

    but…its still gilliam

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    brazil is one of my favorite films. but ive only ever seen it in the british cut…and on the big screen…introduced by the man…with his short from meaning of life attached…at LACMA so that could have skewed my view of the film. fun fact on this movie. there was a HUGLY expensive scene that you see in the commericals with the tree and shit but it was cut from the film! the big action scene was cut! gilliam said it fucked with the timing. i was supposed to see this movie years ago…but i didnt get into the test screening. oh well.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 4:30 p.m. CST

    LMAO STFU VERN

    by GiftedInThePants

    Wedding Crashers owned. I’m sorry it didn’t have the “texture” of unfunny fucking comedies such as Anchorman. Damn, I guess it’s fun to hate on what’s popular eh Vern?

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 5:58 p.m. CST

    Fuckin rights give Vern a BLACK BOX TALKBACK!!!

    by VatoLoco

    And some fucking respect!!Another review far and above the quality of all the others on ainitcool!(Moriarty’s are good sometimes.)

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 6:46 p.m. CST

    to Gifted in the Pants

    by Vern

    Sorry, but Wedding Crashers doesn’t “own” me. It owns a window decal at Blockbuster and a slot on USA in less than a year. It owns one month of your life before you move on to some other mediocrity that you won’t be able to explain later but I guess you had to be there. It owns property between the two Legally Blond movies, two blocks down from Miss Congeniality. I think it also owns a beach house that it shares with Father of the Bride. So yes, I am “hating on” what is popular. I’m hating all over it. Just hating everywhere. Taking a huge hate right on top of it. However, as you know as an avid reader of this sight, I wrote the negative review of it before it was released, so there really was no way to know for sure that it was going to be popular (though I gotta admit it was a good bet considering how bland and middle of the road it is). As for Anchorman, yes, that was a much funnier and more original movie, although also overrated.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 8:11 p.m. CST

    Rabid Gilliam fanboy here who just got back from watching it.

    by IAmLegolas

    It’s not that bad as some reviews will lead you to believe. I get the feeling, over time and repeat viewings, people will rate it higher, which seems to be true of all his films. It’s basically Gilliam doing an exercise in action-adventure. What’s cool is that a lot of the movie has the look and feel of a Gilliam movie from the 80’s. I do agree with Vern that the 2nd 1/2 is better than the first 1/2, or at least it’s more exciting. The first 1/2 isn’t bad per se, it’s like watching “Jabberwocky” which, for those that haven’t seen it, is sometimes “meh”, but also sometimes really funny. Matt and Heath were pretty good, a lot of fun silly banter and physical comedy i.e. Pythonesque moments The Grimm Tales were interwoven into the storyline in a “nudge nudge, wink wink”, sort of way. I know some complaints were that the stories were kind of just paraded through -or- you were blatantly hit over the head with them, but this movie isn’t about the tales themselves, it’s about Brothers Grimm. I’m interested to hear Terry’s thoughts on the CGI as I’ve known he’s kind of railed against it in interviews and commentaries. He’s used it before in subtle ways and he has said it’s okay to use sparingly, but there were a couple of scenes where something was CGI that didn’t need to be i.e. a flying scarf, which they could have just used some wire work. Anyway, with any Gilliam movie, you have to have patience with as his strengths are always with visuals. Sometimes he gets a decent story to work with, but most of the time the storylines are paper thin with 2-dimensional characters. And even that is head and shoulders above most crap that comes out these days. I’m definitely picking it up on DVD, even for just the commentary alone. Oh and those that were bitchin’ about the lousy French accents (on this TB or maybe another one)… well all I have to say is “Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.”

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 8:35 p.m. CST

    i’ll be there

    by blackthought

    what should gilliam do next? good omens? quixote? and when will we get the tideland trailer…saw some new pics and the story sounds right up his alley…looking very much forward to it.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 9:14 p.m. CST

    Fisher King..

    by Cpt Kirks 2pay

    ..might well be my favourite of Gilliam’s films as well as he is one of my fave directors. Know why? Because that film was about the PEOPLE in it. Deeply and affectionately too. Not anything that went on around them. Simple movie making tip for everyone, that so many film makers forget somehow.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 9:36 p.m. CST

    Are you done stretching the TB too, movybuf?

    by I Dunno

    Say you’re sorry.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:02 p.m. CST

    I walked out halfway through…

    by El Scorcho

    I almost never walk out of movies before the end, but I did today. It’s not that the movie is that terrible… It’s just that I didn’t give a shit, about the characters, story, anything. When the theatre started having problems with the projector, that sealed the deal for me. I had already been thinking about leaving, but that sealed the deal and I said “Fuck it, this isn’t worth my time.”

    I left about 1 hr 10 min into the film and am absolutely positive I missed nothing.

    Don’t see this, it’s just a waste of time (and talent for that matter). I should have known this by its release date.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:19 p.m. CST

    gayness

    by Darth Philbin

    gayness is okay if you are gay or a lesbian. i bet this movie is great high. i bet you all are thinking that i am some 13-year-old punkass that brags about getting high cause it is cool. well it is not. i am almost 32 and saying i get high is not cool. as a matter of fact, i am strung on coke right now. i would not see this movie on coke. i certainly do not like watching FINDING NEMO on coke. that is all i got. kids, say no to drugs. i would, but i already saw episode III and the drugs help my post-star wars depression. be good to each other.

  • Aug. 26, 2005, 10:20 p.m. CST

    Jan Svankmajer

    by Wookie_Weed

    If you’ve never seen films by Jan Svankmajer, then how the fuck can you compare what you saw in Grimm to Svankmajer’s work?! Pretentious name-dropping to make your review more intellectual. Give us a fucking break.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 1:48 a.m. CST

    BRAZIL and MUNCHAUSEN are lightyears ahead of TIME BANDITS. BROS

    by George Newman

    TIME BANDITS had so much potential wasted, when one compares the brief fantasy worlds of the film to the quite boring historical ones. Why couldn’t more of that film be the orge on a boat and a giant wearing the boat as a hat? Why is there a 30-minute Napoleonic era segment that goes nowhere? ugh.. GRIMM flounders much like 3/5s of TIME BANDITS does.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 1:50 a.m. CST

    But I agree that GRIMM gains some major momentum and excitement

    by George Newman

    Gilliam was cold blooded to throw that kitten into the spinning blade. I bet every woman on that set cried.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 2:29 a.m. CST

    You FUCKING Grimm Haters…

    by DarthBen

    All you Grimm Haters out there, including some of those writing for this site, need to cut this movie some slack.

    Sure, it ain’t perfect. It ain’t great. It ain’t particularly good.

    But you know what it also ain’t? It ain’t Fast and the Furious 3. Thank God.

    If we genre lovers don’t support films like this, even flawed films like Grimm, all the summer movies of the future are going to be shitstorms of fast cars, ass-shaking women in bikinis, explosions and hip-hop music, all orchestrated by Bret Ratner.

    So you’d better show the Grimms some love, or we’re all gonna be having to see XXX3.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 2:51 a.m. CST

    first the Coen bros stumble big time…Twice

    by speed

    and now we get Gilliam turning out this.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 4:29 a.m. CST

    a cordial note for Wookie Weed

    by Vern

    I think you been smokin ewok fur motherfucker… I clearly said the OPPOSITE of what you are claiming. I said I DID know who Jan Svankmajer was. If I didn’t how the shit would I have mentioned him? Was I just making up a name and hoping it was a real guy? Was I right? Is there really a famed Czechoslovakian animator named Jan Svankmajer whose weird ass claymation clearly influenced the scene in question? Shit that would be a weird coincidence because I pulled that one out of thin air. As you know, I always try to seem real intellectual. That’s why I mainly review straight to video movies starring Steven Seagal or Wesley Snipes. Because I’m trying to impress you. Jesus christ man if you’re gonna be mad at me at least make it for something I really wrote. Don’t just make up crazy bullshit and pretend I said it, and then get mad. I think I may know what’s really going on here. If you are the guy who runs the horse farm in Enumclaw then I apologize for making fun of your friend who you videotaped getting fucked to death by a horse. But for crying out loud don’t pin me with this phoney “pretentious” rap. Nobody’s fallin for it.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 4:56 a.m. CST

    Grimm was okay at best but still better than most of the garbage

    by andrew coleman

    Seriously there was maybe three good movies. Oh and Wedding Crashers sucked ass, first twenty minutes was funny and then the rest turned into a chick flick with no laughs! I didn’t even like the 40 Year Old Virgin that much, but that was funnier than WC. Best comedy of the year is Fantastic 4, I laughed all the way through that movie. Not sure if I was suppose to but I did, especially during the CGI and with the dialogue: “We’re both doctor’s aren’t we?” classic.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 6:16 a.m. CST

    To wait so long for another Gilliam film…

    by pax256

    And see this sad thing. Maybe it can be fixed for dvd… And maybe itll age well over Time who knows but for now I really have to say this is a failure… And Ive really liked all his films. Here’s hoping for Tideland.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 8:48 a.m. CST

    some guy named wolf at the door really likes his Wedding Crasher

    by eraser_x

    I’m picturing wolf at the door as a Forrest Gump like individual, who goes around prefacing everything with a monotonic “this one time, at Wedding Crashers …” And then, at the end of every sentence, wolf at the door does an “mmmm hhhh” like Billy Bob from Sling Blade.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 8:53 a.m. CST

    The fastest way for a person to communicate his taste in humor

    by eraser_x

    is simply to say “I enjoy reading Vern’s reviews” or to say “I think Vern is a retard”. Once you’ve said that, it’s superfluous to say anything else, e.g., to list the comedies (Wedding Crashers or whatever) that you like or dislike.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 12:07 p.m. CST

    I wish Gilliam would make Good Omens.

    by DarthCorleone

    Apparently he needs $15 million more from an American studio.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 1:49 p.m. CST

    i want good omens too

    by blackthought

    but i just realized i’m not an american studio…hell i’m not even a studio…and i surely don’t have 15 million dollars…so gilliam can’t get it from me…though if he needs someoen to bring him tea and crumpets, i’ll glady abide.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 2:01 p.m. CST

    to the wolfman

    by Vern

    Okay, you win. You will remember WEDDING CRASHERS longer than you will remember the talkback to my review to THE BROTHERS GRIMM. I guess I am of the old way where you hold movies to a different standard than that. So we can chalk this one up to cultural differences. I hope they put your quote on the front of the dvd. I’ll even give them a freebie: “Two years from now I won’t remember how many times I cut my fingernails this year, but I *will* have a vague recollection of some mediocre wedding movie starring one of the Wilsons and I believe either Vince Vaughn or Will Ferrell. Was Ben Stiller in that one? I think he was. I remember it was something to do with a wedding. And Reese Witherspoon had to return to the south before her wedding but she fell in love with another guy.” –Ain’t It Cool News. Seriously though bud I am curious, what would you say are some of your other favorite comedies? Not just recent but of all time.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 2:27 p.m. CST

    As ever, Vern, you da man!

    by JimboLo

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 4:50 p.m. CST

    Wow.

    by Nice Marmot

    Dragonslayer, Enemy Mine, Krull, and Time Bandits ripped on in one Talk-Back! Can someone please say they hate The Neverending Story, Dreamscape, Popeye, & The Dark Crystal please? Let’s rip on all my 80’s favorites!!!

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 4:55 p.m. CST

    Of horses and death

    by koosbane

    I suppose that it would be bad form to say that the guy “had it cuming”.

  • Aug. 27, 2005, 9:30 p.m. CST

    how could you!?

    by blackthought

    seriously, how could your rip enemy mine? i mean for heaven sakes he teaches the lil alien the art of american football.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 1:24 a.m. CST

    vern’s right again

    by AZJim

    Vern is right about Wedding Crashers, of course. It is a formulaic, unimaginative mediocrity that pretends to be transgressive and outrageous while reinforcing the boring old status quo. Except for the foul-mouthed grandma. That was a hoot. How did they come up with such a unique, original character?

    I’m not a huge fan of Gilliam. He can be over-the-top in a tiresome way, and his films are very hit-or-miss, not just from film to film, but from scene to scene. I do like 12 Monkeys a lot tho. But David Webb Peoples is a goddamn genius, which probly helps. Looking forward to Nico, if it happens.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 4:27 a.m. CST

    Vern’s TB Comments…

    by Roj Blake

    …are cracking me up to no end. It’s true, Wedding Crashers is just godawful and it will not age well. I’d be willing to bet that when it hits DVD, many a renter will return it and tell vid store clerks “I thought this was supposed to be funny.” The plus side is that, between WC and “Virgin” (which I have yet to see), perhaps studios will be more apt to greenlight some R-rated comedies, and eventually somebody will turn out a true classic. Like Caddyshack or the first “Vacation” film. (Um, no, I’m not a whore for Chevy Chase.)

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 7:07 a.m. CST

    I smell a new AICN catchphrase…

    by jollysleeve

    Just watch. “Fucked to death by a horse” is going to be the next “has a beer and ‘cheets’ on.” Another great review from AICN’s resident Seagalogist.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 10:48 a.m. CST

    Brothers Grim wasn’t that bad

    by Lukecash

    It was highly entertaining. The effects were good in some areas bad in others.. But over all it was an entertaining work. Original, by no means. Thought provoking…hell no! Entertaining, hell yes!

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 1:01 p.m. CST

    to lukecash

    by Vern

    Well shit I was the guy who wrote the bad review, but I gotta disagree, it WAS pretty original. At least in several of the individual scenes, like some of the attacks on the kids. Just not well executed for most of the running time. I guess originality isn’t always enough. Although it worked for Gummo.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 3:13 p.m. CST

    You guys are dicks!

    by Azlam Orlandu

    I fucking loved this one.

    -Az

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 4:38 p.m. CST

    Vern rules

    by Hamish

    End of story.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 5:34 p.m. CST

    re Dark Crystal

    by DocPazuzu

    They did save money on one puppet. Don’t tell me you didn’t recognize Monica Potter as Kira?

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 6:42 p.m. CST

    i thought dark crystal was mediocre too

    by blackthought

    and terry gilliam directs seagal in a story about a man who has to protect his village against the threat of horses…the anti-horse whisperer if you will.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 7:25 p.m. CST

    what the fuck wolf?

    by Vern

    You’re acting like I stole your pants or something. All I did was disagree with you on one movie. If you didn’t want a discussion you shouldn’t have started the fucking thing. Remember, when you posted on talkback? I don’t know why you’re jumpin all over my balls but I forgive you.

  • Aug. 28, 2005, 9:33 p.m. CST

    Studio shitfest.

    by Veraxus

    Definately a studio film. I’ve been a huge Gilliam fan since Holy Grail but Brothers Grimm is just… crap. Bad CG (ohmygod wehaveacgwerewolf makehimgrowlatthecamera), MATT DAMON, shitfucking jizzstain of a script… meh. It should have been released as an Alan Smithee film so as not to tarnish Gilliams record. Well, at least it opened the door for tideland.

  • Aug. 29, 2005, 7:38 a.m. CST

    Gilliam needs a partner

    by kuryakin

    To reign him in. I love that he’s still working but he needs someone to give him a slap every now and then and tell him to cool it. The Hamster factory and La Mancha docs show that this guy is a genius who has no self-control – something like 12 Monkeys works best because it has such a tight structure, so he has to refine his work. And “you’re acting like I stole your pants” is the phrase I most want Tony Blair to say next time someone calls him a liar

  • Aug. 29, 2005, 2:52 p.m. CST

    true

    by blackthought

  • Aug. 29, 2005, 8:26 p.m. CST

    armchair directors… whine whine whine

    by Thunder Mammoth

    why, if you (haters) don’t immediately know where a “film is going to go” do you assume it’s the movie that is dumb?

    one minute people are complaining that films are all cookie-cut-outs, and next when a film isn’t commercially standard, they complain about how it wasn’t made the way “they think” it should be made.

    please, by all means, make a better movie then. let’s see it, fence-sitters.

  • Aug. 29, 2005, 8:41 p.m. CST

    have you had…

    by blackthought

    a movie commercially distributed thunder? jw

  • Aug. 29, 2005, 9:35 p.m. CST

    I don’t know, Mammoth

    by Vern

    That sounds like bullshit to me. Or horse shit, to stay with the theme of the review. I mean I agree that there are alot of whiners out there. But look at it like this. I never made a wedding cake in my life. But if I saw a wedding cake with frosting made out of shit and a picture of Ronald Reagan jerking off a dog on the top, I think it would be okay for me to offer a few criticisms. Movies are the same way. If you watch them, you can have an opinion on them. In my opinion. But I could be wrong. Maybe for now on I will love every movie that ever existed, until the day when I decide to make a movie myself. Same with wedding cakes, music, TV shows, wars and murders.

  • Aug. 29, 2005, 10:35 p.m. CST

    Giving Giliam money is like pouring water on a Gremlin.

    by cookylamoo

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 1:02 a.m. CST

    mmmmmm, cake…

    by Thunder Mammoth

    you have a wonderful way with words, vern. and not that it matters to anyone else but i appreciate your comments on this site. my first response may be clumsy, however i’m attempting to suggest that perhaps we should consider what the filmmakers’ intentions are with their own films, and then evaluate whether it was successful on that level, first, and then add that to our egocentric rationale and opinion making. i mean, it seems there are soooo many people, paychecks, ideologies, mishaps, fuckups, spur of the moment moments, and zillions of other elements involved into the completion of a any film… it’s a wonder any of them actually get made, much less distributed. to simply write it off, or fuck it with a horse seems shortsighted.

    would we simply look at the wedding cake and judge? or do you know what one is suppossed to taste like? do you know what its ingredients are, and how it’s made? is it shit on top, or is it just chocolate and you never got close enough to find out? maybe there’s a purpose as to why reagan is jerking off a dog in the picture, and what if it was suppossed to upset you? what if you found out that you like the taste of shit on your wedding cake? if Bros Grimm is the equivilent of a shit-frosted wedding cake (that’s actually pretty funny) with the RR dog-stroking pic on top, then where is a film like Hitch categorized? how about the next Miss Congeniality? is Gilliam’s worst attempt at making a film on par or even subpar with either of those cakes? and wouldn’t you, with your vast knowledge and experience, look at a wedding cake like the one you described and wonder about why you are at this person’s wedding in the first place? depending on the couple, it might make perfect sense. I’m certainly not advocating “liking” every movie. why should you? but if films are not much more than “shit” or “not shit” then why think about them any deeper at all? wouldn’t you agree? and BTW – i liked your review… partly because i’ve written film reviews before, partly because i’ve made a few flicks and revel in the process, but mostly because you have the balls to say what you feel you gotta say, and its irreversibly, and undeniably Vern saying it. so, thanks.

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 1:37 p.m. CST

    Black Rain…

    by REDD

    Hey, quit picking on Black Rain. It’s a good, solid police action flick. Go pick on “Someone to Watch Over Me”, “White Squall” or “G.I. Jane”, serviceable movies, but come on.

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 3 p.m. CST

    to Mammoth again

    by Vern

    Okay, I’m with you this time. Movies should be more than “shit” or “not shit” (or “sucks” or “rules/owns”). If you’ve read some of my reviews I think you know that I agree with you on that. And now that I think about it, that wedding cake does sound pretty interesting. I’m not gonna eat it but I’d like to know more about the crazy fuck that made it. I don’t know if your comments were directed at my review or more the other talkbackers, but absolutely, I would put Brothers above something like Hitch. It’s a case of a guy who *does* make interesting movies, who *is* a real artist and not some hack, who unfortunately this time ended up blowing it as far as I can see. It will always be a lesser Gilliam movie but you’re right, it *will* be of interest to people for many years for that reason. Of minor interest though, I would guess. But any time a guy has as good of a track record as him, it’s interesting to watch the failures too. And if everyone ends up hating it and it has a bad reputation, I’m sure a few years from now people will watch it and say “Hey, it’s actually not that bad, I kind of enjoyed it” like I did not long ago when I finally got up the balls to watch Memoirs of an Invisible Man. If I may be so bold I think you, me and the french, we believe in the auteur theory, so we like watching it as a body of work and it’s interesting to us even to watch the worst movies of a great directionist. Unfortunately, we end up sitting through some snoozers and I think this is one of them, despite some absolute brilliance in the end. But I agree, worth watching for those reasons but just don’t get your hopes up too high. I would by the way rate it higher than both KRULL and WEDDING CRASHERS.

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 7:56 p.m. CST

    back atcha.

    by Thunder Mammoth

    i’m buying you a virtual beer.

    “clink”

    not that we always have to agree. nonetheless – cheers, vern! keep on keepin’ on.

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 8:06 p.m. CST

    Wouldn’t it be cool if someone actually made a film about th

    by Arithma

    Two brilliant linguists who worked for the King of Germany until he banished them for speaking out against censorship.

    Jakob died at age 40 from asthma complications, but managed to marry and have a kid. He was the fanciful one. They all lived with Wilhelm who never married and lived to be 80. He was the pragmatic one. Together they published thousands of pages on the history of the german language, all its dialects and and even a dictionary. They wrote the fairy tales to preserve the specific language of each tale, and to preserve the story for the culture. And lest you think they were nationalistic to a fault, they borrowed some stories from scotland and denmark too, and spoke five languages. Wow! How fascinating, huh?

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 10:51 p.m. CST

    all three of us would probably love it.

    by Thunder Mammoth

    unfortunately, you lost most at “brilliant linguists.” i wonder if Gilliam came to that same conclusion when he accepted the gig? did he just say, fuck it?

    it’s a shame, really. i’m sure there’s a spreadsheet in hollywood somewhere, that proves that the current market analysis for the northern hemisphere dictates that there isn’t enough of a guaranteed profit, nor ongoing consumable need that correlates with any expansive profitable value for the retelling of any brilliant linguists who wrote fairy tales to preserve anything.

  • Aug. 30, 2005, 10:55 p.m. CST

    throw my name in that hat too

    by blackthought

    it would be interested seeing a biopicish flick on the grimm bros with maybe a lil dip into the fantastical ala finding neverland when the stories.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
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