I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS, BUT THEY LET A PLANE HIT THE FUCKING PENTAGON / REPUBLICAN CONVENTION WRAPUP / VIETNAM IS BACK / THEY DODGE IT, YOU PAY IT / A LITTLE PEP TALK FROM VERN

I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS, BUT THEY LET A PLANE HIT THE FUCKING PENTAGON

That’s right, it’s the third anniversary of their greatest achievement, LETTING A PLANE HIT THE FUCKING PENTAGON, and the Bush Gang is celebrating with another round of terrorizing the American people. My personal flip off partner, Dick Cheney, led the festivities with his now infamous speech which boiled down to “If you vote for Kerry, there will be another 9-11.”

Of course, no facts, arguments, realities or common sense can convincingly back up this outrageous death threat. It is obviously appalling and creepy for ANYBODY to claim that only they can keep the American people safe and any other government will lead to disaster. But if there is one group of people who LEAST deserve to make that claim, it would be the one who LET A PLANE HIT THE FUCKING PENTAGON.

So I’ve already used that phrase 3 times but that’s for emphasis. Because nobody seems to remember it. We’ve gotten so used to the fact that it happened that our brains don’t seem to process it anymore. Before 9-11, I don’t think any one of us thought it would even be POSSIBLE to crash a plane into the Pentagon. Crashing into the World Trade Center, difficult obviously. But maybe. Crashing into the Pentagon? The headquarters of The Most Powerful Military Force In Human History? The very seat of the overwhelming military that the Republicans spend so much on because they know that it keeps us so god damn safe?

I know I didn’t think it was possible then. And I still don’t know how it’s possible now. Four jets have been hijacked for 2 hours, you’d figure if there was ONE place on the planet where they could get some national defense, it would be THE FUCKING PENTAGON.

I’m hammering on this point because I’m sick of people on both sides – everybody pretty much – accepting this myth about Republicans and Bush being the ones who are strong on defense. Mister, you are NOT strong on defense. We know that for sure now. Let’s mention it again. You let a PLANE hit the fucking PENTAGON. Because of some dudes with boxcutters. And then you continued talking about building a missile defense shield, saying that this proved it was more necessary than ever! It doesn’t seem possible that anyone would be that dumb, but in this case, it was that guy with the american flag lapel pin. George somebody I think was his name.

I know I know I know. When Republicans say “national defense” they are not talking about actually DEFENDING the NATION. I’m being too literal. Republicans are “strong on defense” because they are good at invading or otherwise fucking with countries overseas. For example, Bush’s dad invaded Panama and killed all those people. Excellent work there, excellent work. He had the Gulf War too, a wonderful piece of, uh, defense.

The problem is, Bush is fucking up even by that amoral bastard of a standard his dad set, that if you kill a bunch of people overseas it’s okay, just do it fast and get out of there. The 3 Second Rule of invasion. I think we all agree now that Bush has failed that and about 1,003 other tests in his first two wars here.

So Bush can’t defend the country, he can’t invade other countries, what bizarro definition of defense are you people using, anyway? I can’t figure this out. It’s like if the TV says the sky is green enough times, the sky will become green.

So the next time your TV tells you that, remind your TV: THEY LET A PLANE HIT THE FUCKING PENTAGON.

(To be fair though, the republicans did one thing to defend us: they let the assault weapons ban expire. So if shit goes down, I guess we can peel the duct tape out of our windows and blow fist sized holes through anybody who walks by. I don’t know about you but I feel safer already. I almost feel like I’m taking a bubble bath I’m so relaxed.)

REPUBLICAN CONVENTION WRAPUP

I know I just did a column about this but the couple days of the republican convention after I wrote it really got me going. I mean how can you not say something about Zell Miller?

I’d heard this guy mentioned before, I knew he called himself a democrat but supported Bush and his policies. Of course that’s hard to explain but still somehow I assumed he would be a seemingly reasonable person. I did not realize that he is a complete nutcase!

He was the keynote speaker, on before Dick Cheney (to make Cheney look sane, some theorize). What I saw of his speech was all yelling and spitting, fire and brimstone. I don’t think he ever used the term “chaps my fanny,” but he came close.

After the speech I saw him interviewed on CNN. For once, they actually asked good questions, pointing out obvious inconsistencies in his speech (he criticized democrats for calling our military in Iraq “occupiers,” which Bush has done many times; he said Kerry was weak on defense for voting against programs that Cheney also wanted to slash as secretary of defense at the time). He couldn’t defend any of his points, but sputtered angrily about “democratic talking points” and kept pulling out folded up papers that he said held more information about John Kerry than the Library of Congress. The anchors became noticeably annoyed by him, almost to the point of eye rolling, until Wolf Blitzer finally asked him, “Bottom line, why do you still call yourself a democrat?” He explained that he was “born a democrat” and when he goes “up to the pearly gates” he’s going to tell his mama he’s still a democrat. But he doesn’t vote for republican policies, he votes for conservative polices, and if democrats would just make conservative proposals he would vote for them.

(???)

It was a hilarious interview but it looks like I really missed out by not watching him on that show Hardball, where he actually told Chris Matthews, “I wish we were in the times when I could challenge you to a duel!”

I know it’s not very constructive to sit around and laugh at the crazy guy. But the thing is, we are only now discovering who this guy is. The people who planned the GOP convention, though, I figure they probaly knew the guy. I’m guessing they don’t just pick some dude they can’t vouch for and take his word for it that he’s gonna do a good job. (Though I guess considering their incompetence in everything else they do, it almost seems possible…)

My question is: did they choose a complete nutcase because they were that desperate, or because they have a low enough opinion of their base that they figure they would eat that shit up? The answer is probaly the latter, since sure enough those people were whooping and hollering for every bit of insane nonsense that freako blurted out. It’s kind weird… the same party that was so menaced and outraged by Howard Dean going “whoooO!” backstage at a campaign rally is all the sudden comfortable having an escaped mental patient as their key note speaker. I guess they are learning to be more tolerant.

VIETNAM IS BACK

I don’t know, hopefully this whole re-arguing the Vietnam War thing has died down. I hope so, because then we can focus on those two other wars that we’re actually losing right now. We don’t want to wait 35 years to figure out these two. Anyway, during the convention I saw this show hosted by Joe Scarborough and Ron Reagan. They really got into it about Vietnam, and I saw something that really surprised me.

They had a panel that included Pat Buchanan and somebody from a newspaper like the Washington Post or something. And Scarborough managed to get them debating Kerry’s anti-war stance when he came back from Vietnam. Pretending that the country is still divided on whether or not Vietnam was a good idea.

After a bunch of trash talking from various panel members, the newspaper guy stood up for Kerry, saying something like You have to remember, when John Kerry came back from Vietnam he had just lost three of his closest friends to this war, a war that was built on a web of lies by politicians and–

And Ron Reagan added, “Like Pat Buchanan.” With Pat Buchanan sitting right there.

Buchanan was a good sport and defended himself without seeming upset about it. But it was still an amazing moment. You never expect anybody to point out that kind of thing on TV, so now that they have, I’m hoping somebody will point out the ones I’m always thinking.

You can guess where I’m going with this. When they’re talking about Bush’s strong national defense on some cable news show, I would like to see someone mention that one thing I talked about before, that incident between the plane and the five sided building. “Yes, the Bush administration has been very strong on defense, other than letting the plane hit the Pentagon, but it is important to note that a plane has NEVER hit the Pentagon in the 3 years since September 11th, 2001. Only 1 plane has hit the Pentagon during their entire term. And there is even a French author who argues that a plane did NOT hit the Pentagon. So at the very most, Bush has only let one plane hit the Pentagon. John Kerry does not have that kind of record to run on.”

And since Cheney and some of these guys keep doing this line about “We won’t ask Paris for permission to defend America” I would like to see John Kerry say, “I won’t ask Paris for permission to defend America, and I won’t wait to finish a story about goats either. I will put the book down immediately and will not pose for photos afterwards. I will save that stuff for after defending America.”

Finally, in an episode of Crossfire about any topic, I would like to see someone casually mention that co-host Robert Novak outed Valerie Plame or that he did stories based on documents that he knew republicans had stolen from the democrats’ private computer files. “Well I agree with you on that Robert. The second amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. And I know in your column you outed a CIA agent to punish her husband for telling the truth about the Bush administration, but keep in mind that the NRA has done more to educate this country about gun safety than anybody–” (etc.)

Come on you TV fuckers, I know how much you idolize Ronald Reagan. Now follow his son’s lead. It will be like Ronald Reagan was your dad. Get to work.

THEY DODGE IT, YOU PAY IT

I’ve seen George Bush use this line 3 times now, so I’m sure he does it on all the campaign stops. But I’ve yet to see anybody get after him for it.

The routine goes like this:

First he uses the completely made up out of thin air figure of “$3 trillion of new spending” that he says John Kerry plans to do. Then he says, “And he won’t tell us where that money is gonna come from. Well, he told us one way. Says he’s gonna raise taxes for the rich. But we know how that works, we’ve heard that rhetoric before. They dodge it, you pay it. Well, we’re not gonna let ‘im do it, because we’re gonna have four more years!” (applause)

Don’t applaud that shit, people. You’re not that stupid, are you? I didn’t think you could fill a crowd with that many stupid people. (And please, no WWE jokes.)

Do you hear what this asshole is saying? John Kerry wants to tax the rich. But the rich just dodge it. It’s too hard to make rich people pay taxes! I tried it, I can’t do it! I’m a Strong, Decisive Leader so if I can’t make my friends and family members pay taxes, then NOBODY can. I gave up, but came up with a new plan of not requiring them to pay taxes! That way, no law is broken, no time is wasted trying to enforce laws.

It’s like if he said:

John Kerry says he wants to keep it illegal to shoot puppies. But we know how that works, we’ve heard that rhetoric before. People still shoot puppies sometimes. Well, we’re not gonna let him get away with it. We’re legalizing all killing and maiming of puppies. God bless America!

A LITTLE PEP TALK FROM VERN

The TV news have been getting in on the September 11th anniversary too, terrorizing the American people by constantly talking about Bush’s “bump” and John Kerry’s “stumble” and “John Kerry made this mistake” and “John Kerry needs to do this,” and most of all, “such and such poll says this.” They figure if they show us enough polls where Bush is leading, we will give up on voting and just stay at home with ten bottles of whiskey and a pillow to cry on.

Well I just want to remind you about a little year called 2000. You remember that November? I know there was a lot of shit that went down that will only make you mad to think about. But I want you to think about this: on election day, NOBODY knew what the fuck was going on.

Every anchor, every correspondent, every self-proclaimed expert – every single one of them was wrong. All of them. All of the predictions were wrong. All of the conventional wisdom was wrong. They would sit there and they would find out more information and they would look into it deeper, and they would give a new assessment based on the latest information… and still they would be wrong. They had no clue what was going on. They literally started talking about omelettes on the air! They went nuts. They had no idea.

Yeah, they THINK they know. But they don’t know. Don’t be disillusioned. Don’t take their predictions too seriously. Just make sure every last one of you motherfuckers is registered to vote right now, and make sure you vote. And make sure your friends vote. And hopefully come November 2nd we’ll be doing that Ewok dance and the TV experts will be scratching their talking heads and the Bush Gang will be running for the hills with tears streaming down their faces.

It can happen. Don’t lose hope.

thanks

Vern

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Friday, September 10th, 2004 at 8:00 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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