Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
If you haven’t checked out VERN’s website yet, follow the link at the bottom of his story. He’s a serious sumbitch, and he deserves your attention. And, no, he didn’t threaten to shank me unless I gave him a good intro. With a pen this sharp, who needs a toothbrush with a razor melted into the tip?
Hey boys it’s me, Vern. Remember I am the ex-con who has done a couple reviews for you, etc. I Write in the vernacular and then about 75 people complain about it in talkbacks. But as an acclaimed Writer on the films of Cinema I THINK a motherfucker knows what he’s talking about. (In this case me being the motherfucker.)
So I haven’t been in touch with you boys in a while but here’s what’s up. I got hold of a copy of THE CROW: SALVATION which is part 3 for the Crow series. Miramax made this picture and dumped it off in one theater in Spokane, Washington or somewheres. Nobody and their mother saw it so they said, forget it, straight to video for this one. There was some Crow fans on the internet trying to start a petition or something but, fortunately, they failed.
Let’s take a moment to talk about revenge. Revenge is a dish best served cold, I believe. Revenge is sweet. Happiness is a warm gun, that was used to get revenge. There are many people who want revenge such as the Jedi, and Sweet Sweetback, and of course the nerds.
Now the Crow series of movies really is about the revenge of the nerds if you really look at the subtext. Believe me, I actually WATCHED these pictures as research for this article, so I know of what the fuck I speak. Turns out these movies are about some sad rock star type dudes who get murdered in the big city. So what they decide to do, they turn into a ghost with makeup like a mime. Then they go around and brutally murder a bunch of individuals involved with their names. Usually these individuals have funny names. And while they kill them these ghosts get all wild eyed and they smile condescendingly and quote a bunch of poetry and what not, is their trademark. Apparently alot of the kids today like this type of garbage. I guess it should be mentioned that there is rock music involved as well. He plays guitar on a rooftop, for one example.
Now what these movies have going for them, in my opinion, is production design. They got a real gloomy artificial type world that they created here, where all this whining existentialist garbage the kids like actually kinda makes sense. In the case of the first picture you also got the charisma. Bruce Lee’s son Brandon stars in the picture and though he is DEFINITELY no Bruce, he has a strong presence so you don’t really look down on this jackass ghost guitarist he is playing. You pretty much tolerate him and he has some good action scenes and what not, especially they must’ve seemed good back in that time when america was just discovering John Woo’s bloodshed ballet. A more innocent time.
I think in this picture they also had this whole neo-gothic horror deal going, using computerized cameras to film little models of graveyards and crows (actually, ravens, playing crows) and churches and what not. And they got a witch and a bunch of rain like in a Hammer picture but then they mixed in the stylized shootemups from the time period.
I don’t think those are the reasons the movie caught on though. I think there is this whole phenomenon going on in america that the filmatists here were keyed into, before Columbine. They knew there were alot of teens out there who felt a little more sensitive than the others, a little more artistic, and they liked to dress a certain way and listen to a certain type of music and they felt that they were a little bit outcast and they were angry about it. And in their fantasies, they would like to be as screwed over as the Crow guy is and get revenge the same way he does, quoting poetry and looking cool and noodling on a guitar with a big black bird on their shoulder. So this really did a number on the zeitgeist and was a big hit and then came the sequels.
The second Crow picture took the exact plot of the first one, changed one or two of the names, and then changed the songs to bands that were more popular at the time. The look is real nice but the whole production is pretty much a snoozer, at least to a fella my age. I don’t know about you kids.
Which brings us to The Crow: Salvation, the third and surely final pile of garbage in the series. This one stars the gay football player from Cruel Intentions as some jackass who gets executed for killing his girlfriend, even though he didn’t really kill his girlfriend, it was some mysterious man with zig zag scars on his arm. So this guy turns into a ghost and tears off his face and goes out and kills all the corrupt cops who framed him. Now I love killing corrupt cops as much as the next guy, probly quite a bit more, but this is the biggest pile of straight to video hogwash I’ve seen since AT LEAST Cruel Intentions 2 last week. Hell, this is worse than Tobe Hooper’s Crocodile and MAYBE as bad as HEavy Metal 2000. Which is saying alot.
The worst you could say about the original Crow was that it was a brainless, heartless, empty, nihilistic exercise in hollow style. Part 3 is all those things, minus the style. There is no longer the creepy atmosphere, just a bunch of shadowy warehouses and a bunch of electrical sounds and flashes of light they do for little flashbacks. This was made for theaters but SOMEBODY must’ve known it would be dumped to video because it has that feel of the movies that star either Ice-T, or Mario Van Peebles, or both.
Now let me drop a little bit of Badass Theory on you folks. I think there are two things you need in EVERY good revenge picture. Number one, the main guy has to have a strong charisma and presence that makes you want to side with him even if he’s castrating some bitch motherfucker who’s only peripherally involves in the caper and deserves, at most, some scrapes and cuts. B, you gotta have either A, some clever and sneaky tricks the dude does for the revenge, or 2, a unifying theme such as biblical plagues, Shakespeare plays, deadly sins, etc. If you examine EVERY good revenge picture from Lee Marvin in POINT BLANK to Vincent Price in THE MAD MAGICIAN you will find that they follow these simple Vern guidelines, and are the better for it too.
The Crow’s Salvation tries to break the rules. First of all the main dude is just a complete twit. He is way too much of a dweeb to be convincing in this role. I don’t care if he wears a trench coat later on, he’s still a pussy. And I don’t mean to contribute to the oppression of nerdy kids in trenchcoats who lust for brutal revenge, but I don’t think they’ll like this fella either. They’ll pick on him. There is a certain Badass presence that is REQUIRED in a picture like that , and this motherfucker simply doesn’t have it. He doesn’t even know where it’s kept.
Second of all there are no clever murders or motifs here, he just stabs people and sometimes leaves a puddle of blood shaped like a crow. In one scene two EVil Cops discuss a blood-Crow he made and the main bad guy says, “I know, he’s a regular Picasso. What else do you know?” Well apparently more about art history than you, motherfucker. That style is NOTHING like Picasso’s.
The person who really needs revenge here is Kirsten Dunst, who co-stars in the thankless fole of dead girl’s sister. This young gal was very good in Virgin Suicides as well as the comedies Dick and Bring It On which she elevates just by treating her silly ass characters with conviction. Now you got her in this straight to video garbage and she doesn’t even have her usual spark. You’d never even know she was good.
The ONLY thing I really liked about this picture was this whole “The Fugitive” business about the killer having a scar on his arm. The whole movie this jackass mime is trying to find out who the killer with the scar is. Then at the end he blows up the bad guy’s night club/cyberporn studio and gets what he deserves – he finds the scarred arm severed in the middle of the rubble, with no clue as to where it came from. And he says, “It’s over.”
I love that this bitch doesn’t even get the satisfaction of finding out just who it was he just got revenge on.
I’m sure later on the dude shows up alive with one arm and reveals his motives and has a showdown and the crow-man slits his throat and then goes to the graveyard and cries and then he’s reunited with his fiancee in a sunny dream world of heaven. Fortunately I turned the movie off before the last ten minutes because I wasn’t about to let this movie go and fuck up the one solitary bit of irony that I liked. That’s what they WANT you to do is watch the whole movie. But I ain’t falling for it.
This one’s for obsessive The Crow freakos ONLY. If you are just curious or like Kirsten Dunst or whatever, don’t bother.
anyway thanks boys hope all is well,
Originally published at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/8114
View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback
Feb. 5, 2001, 6:31 a.m. CST
Okay.. now down to it.
“You don’t know what iots like to try to kill one of these things!” Six points for this one..where’s it from? HINT: Movie in theatres, line was not. Ahh, the perspective of time. As an eighteen year old, I watched the crow ten times in the theatres, dressed in my black clothes, always bringing a friend with me, expressing in the best way I knew how my angst filled teenage psyche. I sat and imagined every twit who ever hit on my then girlfriend or picked on me, and let the catharsis begin. Salvation left me trying to like it. And I still say, like The Lost World, it is an okay film ruined by a ridiculous ending. If the bad guy had a really cool fight scene atthe end, instead of being eaten by crows, I might have walked away thinking more about the really cool warehouse scene. Of course, I was twenty atthe time, engaged to my now wife, and had little need for the catharsis. Now, as an adult, I crave a sequel to the crow that is interesting. It should be a simple formula, I tell myself. But its just not so. The fact is, most of the people who loved the crow so much are in their twenties now, an dhave much less need for it. By contrast the teenage target audience was not part of the core audience, so again, they will not see it. So the studio is trying to give the movie to teens, instead of trying to create an interesting movie like the first one. Teens don’t care, and the movie pisses off people like me who remember the first fondly. As an adult, the Crow has lost some of its artistry, but it still is a rockin flick. Unfortunately, I fear that sequels feel like leftovers. Maybe we’d enjoy them had we never had it fresh the first time, but we have. Oh well. Better days at least. Still.. it was cool to be first. ZAMPH!
Feb. 5, 2001, 6:39 a.m. CST
old news, The Crow 3 was released in France months ago…
by Lethal Waffle
… and already then it really sucked… as much as I LOVE the first one; as much as I think the second one is just okay (a very lttle “okay”, this “Salvation” is worst than anything… well almost worst than anything… DOGMA is still my best worst one…
Feb. 5, 2001, 6:55 a.m. CST
All right, jackasses, back off! I’m the only one who has ANY fre
Look at my freakin’ name!!! Why haven’t I seen this thing yet? Is it even on video yet?? Well, the way everybody keeps talking, thats a good thing….it’s really crappy how The Crow franchise has gotten ruined by Hollywood B.S….The first one, of course, was pure greatness….I thought City of Angels was good, very true to the concept, but brought down by weak villain development.(Except for Judah, who should’ve gotten much more action) In the first one, each and every one of T-Bird’s gang got their time. City of Angels, the guys were still born(though it was a cheap thrill seeing a Power Ranger get her ass kicked.)….plus i think too many people expected Bradon Lee once again, and didnt get him….now, look at this thing….being a Crow fan, ive got to at least see this thing, so when i rant my hatred of it, i’ll know what im talking about…but the reviewer is, unfortunately, wrong…a fourth Crow is on the way, and it’s gonna star DMX….ye gods….ladies and gentlemen, The Crow is now corporate as fuck….maybe i need to start writing my own….show these idiots what a Crow movie should be….watch out for my pen…it shall rule the world! Revolution is my name!
Feb. 5, 2001, 6:57 a.m. CST
The guy who said Dogma sucked can kiss the fattest part of my ass! Thank you.
Feb. 5, 2001, 6:58 a.m. CST
Crow or no Crow, I seriously think Vern is a pretentious asshole, I don’t care if you learnt to read a little in jail Vern, it doesn’t make you a writer. Your site sucks, your writing style is awkward and limited and you seem to view yourself as the next James Ellroy. As for your review, the Crow movies are all shit, what an astonishing revelation!
Feb. 5, 2001, 7:19 a.m. CST
HA ha ha ha ha
“I know, he’s a regular Picasso. What else do you know?” Well apparently more about art history than you, motherfucker. That style is NOTHING like Picasso’s.”
Feb. 5, 2001, 7:24 a.m. CST
Take a joke El Gordo
Jesus, you people are so touchy.
Feb. 5, 2001, 7:42 a.m. CST
I don’t why you guys are giving this review a hard time–it’s refreshing to read a review that actually builds an argument, instead of yapping on and on about what they ordered at the fucking concession stand two hours before the movie began. As for Vern’s style, it has a good rhythm once you get into it. Lay off the picky little details about it (ie, the Picasso thing), I think as long as you walk away from the review knowing that sitting through the new Crow movie is a lot like having your eyes ripped out of your skull and crammed down your gullet, then its done its job. Hey, here’s a good idea for yet another crow sequel: Brandon Lee returns from the grave to take revenge on the studio assholes who insist on pissing on his memory by continuing to produce really shit-sucking movies that make the audience start to associate “The Crow” with “Shit Movies” (which is unfortunate because the 1st movie WAS a great visual feast). One by one Lee picks them off, starting with the muppet who thought it would be a good idea to make the Crow into a fucking TV series! I have to stop writing, I’m getting pissed.
Feb. 5, 2001, 7:44 a.m. CST
Another case of a certain movie that shoud’ve been alone!
by Uncle Jay
“The Crow” was a remarkable film, beautifully shot, very well directed by Alex Proyas, nicely casted and very faithful to the comic book. IT WAS RUINED, when that piece of shit sequel came out a few years later. And it didn’t stop there, a GOD-AWFUL TV series followed that. Fuck “Salvation”, thet entirely fucked up this franchise. Want to see a great film, check out Proyas’s second film “Dark City”, far more superior than any “Crow” sequel garbage.
Feb. 5, 2001, 7:50 a.m. CST
I had a dream…
..and in that dream this film didn’t suck and it had intelligent plot twists and a lead we could relate to and a love interest we could lust after and villains we could boo and a style and nuance all of it’s own…
i haven’t seen this film yet so in my mind this dream still exists.. i know it can’t be true but maybe if we all concentrate hard enough, and simultaneously click the heels of our metaphorical ruby slippers this revolting heap of steaming donkey doo may yet fulfill at least a few of my nightly desires… if it can do the ones with Shannon Elizabeth and the stripping nurses i’ll die a happy man.
…oh yeah… and if they make a crow IV … cast JESUS!!!! he has the ULTIMATE motivation for revenge… how much would that rock!?!? Jesus against um.. well everyone.. sweet as a honey roasted nut…
Feb. 5, 2001, 8:07 a.m. CST
Stop with the F word already!!!!!!
This guy sure has a penchant for the word FUCK in each sentence. Calm down, brother! One F word is enough.
Feb. 5, 2001, 8:12 a.m. CST
by jeff bailey
Yeah, well I LOVED the first Crow. And I still do. It’s my favorite comic movie. It was the first and probably only movie to capture the feel of the new strain of comics from the 80’s like Watchman. Funny, how Vern half ironically refers to that as a more innocent time. It wasn’t that long ago (was it?) and yet it does feel more innocent. Maybe it’s just me. But that second Crow…NOTHING innnocent about it. It SUCKED. I think it was was the worst movie that year. By the way Blade Man David Goyer wrote it. I was sure Blade would suck after that. Luckily it was great. Anyway, I haven’t seen this one but my brother read the script months ago and said it was unbelieveably awful. Which I guess goes without saying. The first one never needed a sequel. Almost feels like an insult since some (not all I’m sure) of the people who made the first only released it as a tribute to Brandon. Unfortuantly the ones who just wanted to make money kept going with the whole franchise. Now DMX? God. There’s only one Crow movie. Oh yeah, and that TV show…just beyond words for bad. Hear me out. Stop beating a dead horse! Please!
Feb. 5, 2001, 8:20 a.m. CST
I love being the only guy in the whole world who liked City of A
The absolute nihilism of the whole thing, the look of the thing, like it was shot through a piss filter, the fact that it is a Father & son relationship. And the fact there isn’t a shit load of baggage because thankfully there wasn’t an accident with the leading man and therefore no need for a studio to rub its dirty mits thinking about how much publicity it’s going to get. BTW the animation, is that a refrence to CHEECH and CHONG’S NICE DREAMS?
Feb. 5, 2001, 8:54 a.m. CST
Exactly which vernacular is “and what not”… ? Oh yeah, Junior College vernacular.
Feb. 5, 2001, 11:32 a.m. CST
It was a joke?
Feb. 5, 2001, 1:42 p.m. CST
Heh heh SEATTLE SLEW…
“…avery…” Was that supposed to be a pun?
Feb. 5, 2001, 1:54 p.m. CST
The Crow: Lazarus
the Crow 4, entitled Lazarus, has already started shooting. Starring DMX as a a rapper gunned down in a drive by for quitting the music business, it will be the final nail in the coffin (No pun intended)for a series once held dear by a great many people. I wrote one draft for a possible 4th movie and my agent was about to set things in motion when we heard about Lazarus. I guess some things should just be left alone. Looking back, my script was better without the Crow elements. I took them out and reworked it and now its gonna get made anyway. Still a shame that the Crow is being treated so badly. Been fun, birdy. really has.
Feb. 5, 2001, 3:22 p.m. CST
I believe that when Brandon Lee died with that bullet in his spine. The Crow franchise died with him. The first film was the most fucking ucking best of all three films. The Crow: Salvation is the worst film I have seen in a long time. Making it’s sequel look better, and that film was the worst film until this piece of shit fucking urine.
Feb. 5, 2001, 8:29 p.m. CST
by andy kaufman
there was this great scene with a bear side kick who always said ” hey …..uhhhh you guys got gum”? i peed my self when i say this part its so wacky go crow you the man
Feb. 6, 2001, 8:13 p.m. CST
Good review Vern, a breath of fresh air.
Saw the Crow 2 and 3…in one night. I can tell you that WISH for death if you sit through both of these! Dunst should be ashamed her name is on this, she should have request it be changed to Slut Bon Woller for this film just to avoid the shame. This film is bad, it makes Crow 2 look like an Oscar contender for best picture! Crow died with Brandon Lee, these new guys have about as much charisma as a shoehorn.
Hey why not make “Crow 5: The Ring”, we’ll make it about a pro wrestler, played by Sting of WCW Steve Borden, who stabbed by the top heel in the company and dies. Now he’s on a homicidal rampage through the indy circuit trying to get to the heel but falls short when the booker tells him that zombie gimmicks don’t sell and fires him. The Crow moves to Idaho and becomes a governor and forgets about the whole revenge thing and focuses on healthcare! I CAN SMELL THE MILLIONS!!
Feb. 7, 2001, 2:56 p.m. CST
Mad props to Vern!!
by Skinny Bastard
Those of you who trash Vern for his style, grammar, penmanship, or whatever … you must be the same people who bitched about South Park until it got popular.
Hey Vern, if you’re reading this, when are you gonna get around to updating your site? It’s been over a month now!! Don’t keep us waiting any longer man…
Feb. 7, 2001, 8:22 p.m. CST
I admire anyone who can write such a long, pointless diatribe when their vocabulary apparently consists of only about 200 or so words. Too bad that half of Vern’s are some variation on the word fuck…
Feb. 7, 2001, 11:57 p.m. CST
Vern! So glad to see you back!
Feb. 8, 2001, 12:01 a.m. CST
Vern! So glad to see you back (the long version)
Haven’t seen the Verninator since his Exorcist review… for which he was also lambasted and raked across the coals for making his review wonderfully cynical and endearingly abrasive. I love the guy, personally. Of course, that’s just my opinion… you can shove it up your ass. (heheheh)
Feb. 8, 2001, 12:18 a.m. CST
Quick impression for ya… “Caw, Caw, Bang! FUCK, I’m DEAD!”
And thusly the Crow films are rightly summed up. The first walked such a thin, masterful line between violence and dark poetry. You had the feeling the filmmakers weren’t just trying to shove another action flick down our throats; the movie came from a dark comic with real, legitimate, raw emotion and there was sincere effort to bring all the depression, heartache, and uncompromising power of the character to the screen. After that. . . Dimension was in it for the money. An idea isn’t “fully explored,” in studio parlance, until it’s simply been beaten to fucking death. I agree with the guy that says Crow 5 should be the body of Brandon Lee rising from the grave to snuff out all the Hollywood fuckers that pissed all over the one film that served as a dignified epitaph for him. If they had at least let Rob Zombie direct the second one, instead of convincing him to leave in pre-production. Something tells me that might have been one step in the right direction. Even if it wasn’t, he couldn’t have made much WORSE than City of Angels! And, BTW, anyone notice Crow 3’s video release has prompted the first two films’ being re-released on DVD? Buena Vista calls them special editions, but it seems the extras are pretty thin. (At least on the first film, which is all I care about.) WHY didn’t they include the Skeleton Cowboy footage? What the fuck is up with that?? Anyway… now I’m all perturbed. I’m just gonna put on the Blade DVD and pretend it’s a decent Crow sequel. Lightstormer out.
Feb. 8, 2001, 2:38 p.m. CST
by Warlock One
I’m sad to see it come to this. “The Crow” was a very good movie, largely due to the anchor of Brandon Lee’s performance. The hurt alienation on his face in that little throwaway line “I thought I’d use your front door…” is haunting. Of course, the action sequences are excellently done, some time is actually taken for character development, and the whole design and tone are remarkable- but Lee is indisputably the strong center. The second made me angry- too many scenes ripped from the original without their souls or a clue as to what made them work (I had to laugh when they repeated the “car screams past with would-be hit song blaring on the radio” bit.) Meanwhile, lets throw away the few halfway interesting ideas we have (What if the avenger character doesn’t want to follow through on his quest?), make up a few rules that contradict the original movie (The crow works as a voodoo doll now, the ease with which the villain steal’s the hero’s powers, the “crow insignia” just appears wherever there’s a death) and kill off one of the main characters for no reason beyond a cynical attempt to add a little pathos. While the critic’s “vernacular” seems more like a lack of basic language skills, he makes his point. I don’t need to see another Crow movie until they get a scriptwriter, director, and lead I can trust. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I hope O’Barr is making good money on the residuals; he should publically withdraw his endorsement.
Feb. 10, 2001, 1:37 a.m. CST
I think you either get Vern’s writing or you don’t. Incidentally, he did only use the f-word seven times though, which isn’t too bad considering it’s a 1500-plus word essay.
Feb. 10, 2001, 4:50 a.m. CST
by Nasir Dalek
Why does everyone slam Vern every time he writes something? He’s frickin’ excellent.
By the way, he KNOWS it’s spelled site. About a million people tell him every time he posts a review. Maybe that’s why he does it, to get you whining mf’s to come out of the woodworks.
So he swears a lot. So? You telling me you guys didn’t like Pulp Fiction because it had the word fuck in it a couple of hundred times?
Vern is probably on of the few still-honest movie reviewers on the net. Sometimes I think his taste suck arse, but I still go back to his sight every week to check for the new column because he’s funny and honest.
Speaking of the new column, where is it, Vern?
Feb. 11, 2001, 3:38 a.m. CST
I don’t care how bad you say this movie its, it CAN’T be as bad
which, of all things, had the Crow getting ARRESTED and going ON TRIAL for some murder or some other shit. Fuck it, it made perfect sense, doesn’t it? Fucking man comes back from the grave, doesn’t even have a fucking pulse, and the law puts him on trial for murder!! This was, I believe, supposed to be the show’s season cliffhanger, all the brilliant idea of some motherfucker name Bryce Zabel (I believe this is how you spell his name), who also made the kinda-cool but definitely-ripped off (of Body Snatchers) Dark Skies. Jesus, if that show didn’t put the nail in the coffin for this once great comic book, I don’t know what did. How the fuck can you take the crow seriously ever AGAIN? My advice to anyone who HASN’T seen the first Crow movie yet? Watch it, then turn off HALFWAY THROUGH (AFTER the shootout at the nightclub), do NOT, I repeat, do NOT watch the movie after that point, it’s all pointless garbage.
Feb. 13, 2001, 3:41 p.m. CST
The Crow as a movie franchise is dead. Lazarus will see to that. It’s time that fans of the original movie and indeed the comic took it a step further and made the films we want to see. Don’t feel too let down by the way the Crow is being treated- its just business to the film makers now, just dollar signs. To its fans though it is so much more. Be inspired, create something wonderful. Show the bastards who’s boss. The fans made the Crow the legend that it has become, now lets make some new ones for movie lovers to come.
Feb. 15, 2001, 2:59 a.m. CST
one of the things that pisses me of the most is this Crow: Lazarus business. at first i was all excited. i thought they were adapting the Poppy Z. Brite Crow novel Lazarus Heart, which is actually really good, and gets to the soul of the series, which, in the original comic, was never intended to be a brainless actioner. O’Barr wrote the comic after his girlfriend (or wife, i can’t remember)died in a car crash (i think. but you get the point). and the first movie, though i loved it so for years, i actually went and bought the letter boxed version and was really dissapointed. i think Brandon Lee did a great job, but what pissed me off the most were the villians. they changed top dollar completely, making him this huge city wide crime lord as opposed to just top boss type of a slum. i think they gave it a little too much flash. the comic was gritty and involving, disturbing yet beautiful. fun boy for example was devoid of moral standards but not an all around deplorable character. i think they wasted a lot of flashback potential as well, in terms of the relationship. the comic had very tender very real very sad flashes of memory whereas the movie showed a movie like relationship. the book had reality and nuance. the kind of affable sweetness to them that make that pang in your chest resonate a little more. not a bad flick, just doesn’t live up to the source material. but then again why is that a surprise?
Feb. 15, 2001, 2:36 p.m. CST
Harry and Mort — This guy does not speak well from the heart. W
He has no writing ability from the heart.. If I may speak from the ‘heart’, I could thank almost all of the writers who make those films possible to the silver screen, who have had a much worse circumstance in life than this dick-for-a-usb-port ever has had, I’m sure. If if you guys feel some sort of psychological dissatisaction-towards-the-online-critic-association-so-ill-shack-in-a-down-on-his-luck-mommy-never-taught-me-potty-mouth-after-gerbers-or-baby-powder, then do so at the risk of your own credentials, man.
Feb. 16, 2001, 11:34 a.m. CST
Vern is the best writer in the world ….
Oh Yeah Right , Hey if you are so great why don’t you write a movie ! i am sure that you can do a really good job and maybe even get to work on the next Escape from New York themed flick …
The Original Crow rocked .
The Second Sucked and should have never happened .
3 and 4 well STOP this SHIT and please let the memory of Brandon Lee be tarnished with this shit .
He had the potential to be one of the Top Action Stars ( i am talking about his fighting skills ) i mean if he was alive do you really think Keanu wouldv’e got the Matrix ??? Don’t think so
+ Expand All
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.