"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Posts Tagged ‘Steven Spielberg’

War of the Worlds

Friday, July 1st, 2005

Sometimes for scientifical type purposes I try to predict what bad puns the hack critics will use in reviews of upcoming movies. For WAR OF THE WORLDS I was leaning toward an “out of this world” or “worlds away from E.T.” type thing. Somebody suggested “Bore of the Worlds” but I was saving that for “Fantastic Bore” and “Fantastic Snore.”

But then I saw WAR OF THE WORLDS and you know what this is? The scariest PG-13 movie of all time. Fuck dinosaurs. Fuck a guy eating monkey brains. This is as hard as Steve Spielberg is gonna get. This is a well put together piece of work in my opinion. Usually making a movie PG-13 when it could be R is a copout, but in this case it’s almost subversive. Sorry about taking the guns out of E.T., to make it up to you I’m gonna give your kids the worst nightmares from now until they turn 16.

So now I’m thinking the pun headline should be CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE KIND WHERE YOU ALMOST SHIT YOUR PANTS. Or maybe E.T. – THE EXTRA-WE’REFUCKED-STRIAL. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Action, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 5 Comments »

E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002

E.T.: THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL: THE SPECIAL EDITION: FOR THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY: THE MOVIE

This is one of those things where they take an old movie that was very popular, and then they change it, because they think the only way anybody would want to see a movie they loved on the big screen again would be if somebody just completely fucked with it and tried to ruin it. They did the same thing with the Star Trek pictures, and the exorcist (see below) and Night of the Living Dead on video (I’m still staying away from that one).

This goes into the Star Trek category where the individual who made it (Steve Spielberg) gets old, forgets everything that made him vital when he was young, and decides to change things, but claims it’s actually perfectionism. The most infamous thing here is that he wanted no guns in the movie at all. Which is kind of weird for a movie where the main characters get chased by a mob of cops. So there they are, a bunch of fuckin cops and government spooks, running around all holding a walkie talkie with their trigger fingers poised to, I don’t know, hit the little beeper button that you use for Morse code. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Drama, Family, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 20 Comments »

Minority Report

Friday, June 21st, 2002

Like PLANET OF THE APES, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS and soon STAR WARS PART 2, MINORITY REPORT is a sci-fi picture that will mainly be discussed in context with the politics of the time. (the time being now. because it came out today.)

Again like the Yoda picture, it has been in the planning stages long enough that director Steven Spielberg (JAWS) and co-writer Scott Frank (I only remember him because he did OUT OF SIGHT. who knows who the other writer is) couldn’t have known how timely it would turn out to be. The movie takes place in Washington DC, 2056, where Tom Cruise is an agent in the flagship “Pre-Crime Deparment” – cops who use three water-submerged psychic “precogs” to track crimes of passion that haven’t even happened yet. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 65 Comments »

A.I.

Friday, June 22nd, 2001

OUTLAW CRITIC IS FIRST TO ADMIT, “I ACTUALLY THOUGHT A.I. WAS PRETTY FUCKIN GOOD”

SEATTLE, WA– Online film writer and cult hero Vern admitted earlier today that he thought Steven Spielberg’s artificial intelligence drama A.I. was “pretty fucking good, though.” This makes the ex-con and recovering alcoholic the first person he knows to admit liking the movie since its release two weeks ago.

“A lot of motherfuckers said it was too sentimental,” Vern wrote on his mildly popular film “web sight”. “But it’s about a robot who wants his mommy, what else is it gonna be like, asshole [punctuation his].” (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit | 27 Comments »

Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • MaggieMayPie on Bullet Train: “I rewatched this one last night and thought it was quite enjoyable. I won’t go so far as to say,…” Dec 23, 14:16
    • Aktion Figures on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “Don’t get me started on how gutter people treat Sergio Aragones when it comes to “art”. I get it. You…” Dec 23, 13:10
    • CJ Holden on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “In all fairness, through the years I heard from many people who didn’t like Mignola’s style because of his angular…” Dec 23, 11:19
    • Aktion Figures on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: ““Mignola was never too highly regarded for his distinctive art style.” I honestly cannot tell if this is sarcasm or…” Dec 23, 10:04
    • jojo on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “I don’t know, I can’t say that personally the first Hellboy movie looked all that different from Spawn or anything…” Dec 23, 07:43
    • CJ Holden on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “I do think it goes a bit further than that. The comics were successful because they were a hell (no…” Dec 23, 06:15
    • jojo on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “So we’re now four films deep into the Hellboy-verse, and I still have the same nagging question The comics were…” Dec 23, 03:46
    • CJ Holden on The Christmas Spirit: “Happy Holidays to you and everybody else who might not post here in the next few days!” Dec 23, 01:40
    • Jan Bobrowitch on Kimi: ““completely strip, then dye your hair? In what? The kitchen sink?” Um… yeah. Every time I’ve had blue hair, I’ve…” Dec 22, 20:43
    • Franchise Fred on The Christmas Spirit: “Happy holidays, Pegsman” Dec 22, 14:30
    • pegsman on The Christmas Spirit: “As this might be my last post here before the holiday week starts, I would like to take the opportunity…” Dec 22, 07:28
    • Skani on Black Christmas: “No idea why I just invented the term “feministic,” but I’m gonna stand by it.” Dec 21, 08:46
    • Skani on Black Christmas: “Caught this on the big screen yesterday. Probably my third time watching, and it gets better every time. This is…” Dec 21, 08:45
    • Dreadguacamole on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “It was released theatrically here in the UK in September, and there were trailers for it before other movies in…” Dec 21, 04:54
    • CJ Holden on Hellboy: The Crooked Man: “I might remember it wrong, but I think it was indeed supposed to be a theatrical release and it raised…” Dec 21, 02:31

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments