"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Archive for the ‘Seagal’ Category

Vern reviews Steven Seagal’s BELLY OF THE BEAST!

Friday, November 14th, 2003

Hey folks, Harry here… Vern, being one to only see the arty movies like the ones he mentions below is the perfect choice to review that hero of the Arthouses… I’m of course talking about Steven Seagal and his latest starring success… …ahem… Anyway, lest you get tired of reading about Seagal’s Private Investigator on Drudge-linked stories, now you get the skinny on the top man himself. And if you ever sit down with Seagal for lunch, play the… “How would you kill me” game, where you just continually ask him, once every 4 minutes or so how he would kill you. I hear this is amazingly entertaining as Seagal has an endless variety of ways to kill the annoying fuck sitting across from him. Go on, give it a try!

Vern reviews BELLY OF THE BEAST by Ching Siu-Tung

Boys –

I know you are fans of the hong kong cinema, martial arts, karate, and etc. So I bet you probaly know who Ching Siu-Tung is. Or maybe you know him as Siu-Tung Ching, or Siu-tung Chin, or Tony Tung Yee Ching, or Xiaodong Cheng, or Tony Ching Siu Tung, or just plain Tony Ching. I don’t know, the dude has lots of names. But the point is not what the dude’s name or names is, the point is what the dude does. He may not be as well known in the united states of america as your John Woos or your Yuen Woo Pings or your Tsui Harks. But I bet you’ve seen some of his works before. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Action, AICN, Martial Arts, Reviews, Seagal | 4 Comments »

Out for a Kill

Friday, July 4th, 2003

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

No hot air balloons in this one. At least, not to the best of my knowledge. But who cares what it’s about? I’ll take any opportunity to read a review by Seattle’s finest film analyst, the one and only Vern:

Boys –

Well I think it’s been a real good movie summer so far with RETURN TO THE MATRIX and THE AMAZING HULK and CHARLIE’S ANGELS GO FULL THROTTLE and JOHN ASHCROFT VS. THE X-MEN and etc. But now we’re at that crossroads of summer where it could go either way. Now it’s the more iffy movies and the sequels you’re not sure you want or you know for sure you don’t want. Okay, sure, people always wanted TERMINATOR 3 but did they want it if it had to be directed by the guy who made that submarine movie that they never bothered to see, even though they heard Bon Jovi got his head chopped off? A more extreme case is BAD BOYS PART 2. Oh yeah, I always wanted to revisit those great characters, officer (insert will smith’s character name) and officer (guy from big momma’s house). It will be great to find out what has happened to them since that bank robbery, murder, drug deal, kidnapping or whatever the fuck it was that they stopped back in that other movie. I wonder if they still like to sing the theme song from “COPS”, which was already a dated reference when the first movie was made like TEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. Maybe this one will be more up to date and they’ll get some Judge Ito jokes in there. Maybe throw in a “Is that your final answer?” (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Action, AICN, Crime, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 4 Comments »

Half Past Dead

Saturday, November 16th, 2002

I don’t know how to explain my fascination with Steven Seagal, but you can read my review of ON DEADLY GROUND and maybe you’ll understand. I don’t think the dude is exactly advancing the cause of Badass Cinema with his works, but I still enjoy every new chapter of his saga.

This time around we find Seagal working with a young rapper named Ja Rule, stealing cars for some European guy. BUT NEVER FEAR. Although Seagal may SEEM to be a mere car thief (or I guess, since he’s Steven Seagal, an ex-CIA black ops car thief), it is heavily implied in the opening scene that he MAY actually be some kind of undercover FBI agent. I don’t want to give anything away though, who knows if he really is undercover or not. Nobody really knows until they themselves have seen the movie. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Action, Crime, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 20 Comments »

VERN Watches ON DEADLY GROUND With MR. SHOW At The Olympia Film Festival!!

Monday, October 14th, 2002

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

Wow. Bob and David are everywhere right now, and it sounds like they’re having a great time. I still don’t know if I’m going to be able to get into the insane benefit show they’re part of in a few weeks, and I missed this. Still, if we had to have anyone cover it for us, thank god Vern was the one who went. You’ll see why when you read this…

Boys–

I know how you feel about film festivals. You’re for them, right? I think one of you said you were. I’ve seen a couple good pictures at the Seattle International Film Festival but that’s about it for me. Until today, when I decided to venture south to the Olympia Film Festival. And I’m real glad I did.

Usually I avoid Olympia. I know it’s our state capital, it once had a fine brewery and they got lots of college kids who brag because the rock band Sleater-Kinney was named after a street they still have near there. But I mean come on. The street isn’t even that good. In the downtown area the buildings are too far apart, and everything is closed. At least on Sunday. Anyway today they finally got a reason for me to go there: ON DEADLY GROUND. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Action, AICN, Reviews, Seagal, Thriller | 9 Comments »

Newer Entries »
  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • Mr. Subtlety on Wrestling horror smackdown: WrestleMassacre (2018) vs. Here For Blood (2022): “Slasher search unleashed, unbounded, roaming free the whole year ’round!” Nov 24, 09:54
    • Castelar Garcia on Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986): “Enjoy this Friday the 13th Wattpad story: https://www.wattpad.com/1244118909-friday-the-13th-jason-returns” Nov 23, 13:39
    • Glaive Robber on Alien: Romulus: “Skani, take my money and scam me already.” Nov 23, 07:52
    • World_Eater on Brawl in Cell Block 99: “I watched this probably too late last night; woke me up too early, swirling around in me noggin. When it…” Nov 23, 06:47
    • VERN on Anora: “I was trying to be a little vague about it in the review but I like that I assumed they…” Nov 22, 22:45
    • JTS on Trigger Warning: “I also thought this was okay. I wasn’t going to bother because of the title and because I thought it…” Nov 22, 16:43
    • burningambulance on Trigger Warning: “I watched this when it first popped up out of idle curiosity and didn’t hate it. (I found the use…” Nov 22, 12:22
    • clubside on Alien: Romulus: “Definitely had a different experience watching it last night on Hulu. Fell asleep about a half hour in and picked…” Nov 22, 10:59
    • Skani on Alien: Romulus: “Also, I’m getting my droids mixed up. I meant Andy when I said David, but, in my defense, he’s played…” Nov 22, 09:52
    • Skani on Alien: Romulus: “If I can touch just one life, then it was worth it, CJ. Hope you have a nice weekend!” Nov 22, 09:50
    • CJ Holden on Alien: Romulus: “I giggled.” Nov 22, 08:25
    • Borg9 on Rez Ball: “I don’t have D+, so I haven’t seen Reservation Dogs, but I was near a Netflix account when this dropped,…” Nov 22, 03:21
    • Franchise Fred on Anora: “Finally caught up with this and totally agree. I’d heard it loses steam after the first 45 min but that…” Nov 22, 00:39
    • Skani on Alien: Romulus: “I finally watched Romulus with the Help of Hulu and a Spell Caster +2349161779461 Hello everyone, my name is Skani…” Nov 21, 20:25
    • walkerp on Twilight of the Warriors: Walled In: “I was fortunate enough to see this in the theatre at Fantasia (always an awesome crowd). It played in Montreal…” Nov 21, 18:58

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments