About a month and a half ago I announced the Seagalogy Youtube contest put together by Titan Books. To promote my skull-shattering new book SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASSKICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL they wanted people to submit short videos “based on the principles of Seagalogy, the study of the ass-kicking films of Steven Seagal.” I know there was alot of whining in the talkback that the contest should be done by somebody else, to promote some other thing, with a different thing that you do, and different prizes to win. Fortunately, there were more than enough standup individuals who did enter the actual existing contest and I was very impressed by the high quality of their work. I honestly wish I could give everybody a prize, but you know the rules. One first prize and five runners up. So here I will present the winners and I hope you’ll watch their videos. (read the rest of this shit…)
Archive for the ‘AICN’ Category
Taped For Justice: Vern Announces The Winners Of The SEAGALOGY Youtube Contest!
Monday, July 7th, 2008Vern Peels THE ONION MOVIE!!
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
I know what you’re thinking. THE ONION MOVIE? Are you fucking kidding me? They’ve run out of ’70s slasher movies, TV series, action figures, video games and board games to turn into movies, now they’re moving on to the fucking produce department? Well to be fair onions are a vegetable with a rich history. In Caananite Bronze Age settlements, traces of onion remains were found dating back to 5000 BC. There is Biblical evidence (specifically the Book of Numbers) indicating that onions were grown in Ancient Egypt. In fact, to the ancient Egyptians (SPOILER) their concentric rings represented eternal life. So I think with a visionary artistic team behind the camera and a decent budget an onion movie could be a real eye-opener. Unfortunately this movie has nothing to do with vegetables at all, it is based on that websight The Onion with the fake news articles and the movie reviews and what not.
I watch more direct-to-video crap than the average citizen, but even I usually draw the line at direct-to-video comedy. If MEET THE SPARTANS can get a theatrical release and you can’t then I’m not sure I trust you, even if a renowned institution such as a National Lampoon’s or an American Pie Presents is willing to put its name on the line on your behalf. In this case The Onion is only putting its name on the line due to contractual obligation. Some of their former editors wrote this thing back in 2003 but they and the directors disowned it years ago and it was sitting on the shelf until recently when somebody was moving some boxes around trying to find some of their old yearbooks or something and their ass bumped it off the shelf and it lands in stores Tuesday. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern wants you to Pay Homage to the Man With The Ponytail… Steven Seagal! And get a PLAYSTATION 3 for the effort!
Wednesday, May 28th, 2008WIN A PLAYSTATION 3 JUST BY PAYING TRIBUTE TO STEVEN SEAGAL
Which I imagine is something you guys do in your spare time anyway, so why not?
Hello friends, Vern here. As many of you know, I self-published a book last year called SEAGALOGY, which forever changed the lives of the couple hundred people who read it. If you have noticed any kind of improvement in the world or change in the essence of a man since then I think it is fair for me to take full credit. Well, on June 10th a new revised and updated edition of the book will come to book stores everywhere thanks to Titan Books, a fine British publisher also responsible for the greatest coffee table book I know of Click Here! Obviously an in-depth study of the films of Steven Seagal sells itself, but as a sign of respect for my mission the nice people at Titan decided to promote the book through the medium of contest. Basically what you have to do to enter is make a video paying tribute to what you like about Seagal. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern reviews the new Jim VanBebber box set!!!
Monday, May 26th, 2008
VISIONS OF HELL: THE FILMS OF JIM VANBEBBER
This Tuesday Dark Sky releases a 4-disc box set of the works of underground director Jim VanBebber. Although he’s been working since the mid-’80s this little box of sleaze represents pretty much his entire output: 2 feature films and some shorts. I think the only thing missing is a bunch of music videos, a trailer called “Chunkblower,” and some 8mm stop motion shorts he made as a kid. The guy is completely independent and uncompromising, this is not a gonna you expect to start directing commercials or be in the running to take over THE WOLF MAN. But I guess if it wasn’t such an uphill battle for him his movies wouldn’t be as interesting.
One of the two features is THE MANSON FAMILY, which he started in 1988 as a quickie exploitation movie that he expected to do in 2 weeks. Then he got obsessed with researching the actual crimes, ran out of money, started up again later and didn’t finish it until 2003. To be honest I’m not a big fan of this one even though some of the filmatism is amazing. It really looks and feels like it was made in the late ’60s or early ’70s. At its best it’s pretty terrifying, a really bad trip. The scene where they cover themselves in dog’s blood during a beachside orgy has to be seen to be believed. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern Picks Sides In BATTLE IN SEATTLE At The Premiere At SIFF 2008!!
Monday, May 26th, 2008
BATTLE IN THE SEATTLE
Vern’s thoughts on the movie, the historical event, and Thursday’s
opening of the 2008 Seattle International Film Festival
NOTE: This is another one of those ones I sent in to Ain’t It Cool and they never ran it. But I was kind of thinking of making it a geocities exclusive anyway because I knew as soon as some asshole talkbacker pointed out it was long I would ram my head through a wall.
At a glance BATTLE IN SEATTLE might seem like a perfect opening film for this year’s Seattle International Film Festival. For one thing, it has the word “Seattle” in the title. For another it takes place in Seattle. Those are only two of the reasons. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern’s Got His Review Of WAR INC As Well!
Monday, April 28th, 2008
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
THE FOLLOWING IS A CORRECTED INTRODUCTION, REPLACING THE INCORRECT INFORMATION ORIGINALLY HERE:
WAR INC may have hit theaters in Canada last week, but it’s actually opening in New York and LA on May 23. It played the Tribeca Film Festival a few nights ago as well.
What Vern saw was, evidently, not a screener for the DVD release, but simply a screener for this theatrical release. John Cusack’s on the publicity trail for this one now, too, doing everything from Jimmy Kimmel to Al Jazeera. I’m hoping to take a look at this release from First Look ASAP.
Are you guys as curious about this one as I am?
As an aficionado of DTV I’ve exposed myself to many works from the Millennium Films library, films starring the likes of Van Damme, Seagal, Snipes, Jai White, Timberlake, etc. I’m talking about movies like THE ORDER, UNDISPUTED 1-2, OUT FOR A KILL, UNSTOPPABLE, TODAY YOU DIE, EDISON FORCE, MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE, UNTIL DEATH and the DAY OF THE DEAD “remake.” They’re the kings of crap – kind of like the new Cannon Films except they don’t have as many fluke good ones under their belt as Cannon did. They’ve made it to the big screen every once in a while which is how we got THE BLACK DAHLIA, THE WICKER MAN and some of those shitty Al Pacino movies that have been coming out lately. I’m obviously biased on the Seagal pictures so let’s just say the closest they’ve ever gotten to a great movie is RAMBO. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern Tackles THE WILD MAN OF THE NAVIDAD!
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.
Never heard of this one, but when Vern starts tossing around comparisons to the original TEXAS CHAINSAW, I start paying attention, because I know how highly he regards that film. I love indie horror that comes out of nowhere to surprise you, so is this going to be a film worth seeking out? Only Vern knows…
THE WILD MAN OF THE NAVIDAD is a ’70s style low budget horror movie that’s going to be playing the Tribeca film festival in New York later this month. But it originates from Harry’s neck of the woods. The “Wild Man” of the title is a mysterious being – sasquatch? lunatic? – who lives near the Navidad River in Sublime, Texas, does not necessarily have the best manners, and may or may not take some bites out of any animals or humans that encounter him. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern’s DTV Triple Header: LUNDGREN vs. SNIPES/STATHAM vs. SOME DUDE FROM TV I NEVER HEARD OF!!!
Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
I try to watch alot of DTV movies, but I don’t always succeed. Most of you have probaly never watched them, and you may assume that they are very good and enjoyable, and capable of adding meaning to one’s life. However, this is almost never the case. In the world of DTV filmmaking it seems pretty clear that nobody gives a shit. Most of them are trying to just reach 90 minutes and throw the shit on a shelf. You could argue that more effort goes into pornography, since some poor girl has to take it in the ass. That’s elbow grease.
So this is an unusual couple of days because I’ve managed to watch a bunch of DTVs and all of them were actually okay. So okay, in fact, that I was able to watch them in two or less sittings. In this world that’s almost a miracle. Either that or I have somehow increased my attention span overnight. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern Gives You… THE HAMMER!
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
This isn’t the type of movie I would usually review, but according to the infallible search engine it’s never been mentioned once on The Ain’t It Cool News and, having seen it today, I think it is worth mentioning.
THE HAMMER is an independent comedy about boxing. It stars the talk radio host Adam Corolla as Jerry Ferro, a carpenter who on his fortieth birthday gets fired from his job and dumped by his girlfriend. He still has a job as a part time boxing instructor at a gym so he tries to pick up some more work there. Without trying he ends up catching the eye of a veteran trainer who gives him a longshot chance to take part in Olympic trials, something he failed at 20 years ago through his own laziness. (read the rest of this shit…)
Vern Wants You To Check Out The Trailer With J.C.V.D. Starring In JCVD!!
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here. When confronted with an argument as well-mounted as Vern’s in this piece, one has little choice but to capitulate to whatever it is the person wants. Vern, I will watch this trailer. Now stop giving me those sad puppy dog eyes…
It’s hard for any actor to burn bright for their whole career. Most actors get old, washed up, maybe fat, they lose their sex appeal or they become too associated with a particular role or time period for mass audiences to take them seriously. Once they’ve hit that stage it’s only the very lucky ones that find a role that can change all that, reinvigorate their careers, make us see them in a new light and remember what we used to like so much about them. There was John Travolta in PULP FICTION. Josh Brolin in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Some of us might have thought Sylvester Stallone did that in ROCKY BALBOA or RAMBO. But what if you’re not exactly the greatest actor in the world, and are best known for kicking, doing the splits, and not wearing pants? For you, Jean-Claude Van Damme, it might be even harder. But I wish you luck. (read the rest of this shit…)
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