"I take orders from the Octoboss."

Mambo Socks

First of all guys I gotta say, I don’t know WHO that motherfucker on the logo is it does NOT look like me. For one thing I got GRAY hair, not green.

I don’t know about this Walter leno dude doing my designs but what the fuck man i gotta keep up with the times and this dude tells me he is pretty fucking cutting edge in his opinion.

Now, today i will tell a story about a prison riot to answer a complaint from a gal from the guestbook page of my sight.

Dear Sir, As a fine Christian woman of strong moral values, I must in good conscience inform you that your site is a disgusting, shameless mockery of my religion. You, sir, may call yourself a Christian, but you are no Christian I’ve ever known. Your constant use o unnecessary expletitives, your homosexual tendencies, and your constant threats of violence have no place in the Christian church and/or community. And no, you cannot have my e-mail address; I have children who use this computer, and who knows what kind f depravity you’d get them into. I’ve seen “South Park”, I know what’s out there.

–Name withheld
Vern’s guestbook

Believe it or not, i actually get this alot. “Hey vern how your such a christian your always raping guys in the ass.” Well first of all, i am NOT raping anyone, that was my past (in prison only) and as a christian no, i am not proud of it if that’s what your asking.

Over on the movie newsgroup there was a few incidents where i think I threatened to kill a couple guys, etc. when i was on shrooms (this was before i was sober) and when i was drunk. come to think of it one guy named nimrod threatened to kill ME first but that is another story. HOWEVER, i did talk tough to some of these guys, cussing etc. But i have gotten in almost no physical fights since i got out, only arguments which in a way is a writing practice exercise for me in my opinion.

however the cold, solid truth of the fact is that VERN is a peaceful man. i am not only talking about “the new vern” although yes i am peaceful. there has always been a certain side to me and i don’t mean to brag. in fact, this is not a brag because i know some of you guys will call me a pussy when you hear this story. BUT i think sometimes it takes a real man to be a pussy and a COWARD is someone who does not have the BALLS to be a pussy. In my opinion.

The story is this. This was one summer quite a fwe years ago the screws got this deal, probaly illegal but what the fuck does a screw care. The deal is this: they test out new products by giving them to the inmates to see what happens. They were real careful about this, don’t want to give an inmate a toothbrush or something that could be used as a weapon. give an inmate a fucking soggy teabag he’ll figure out a way to use it to skin a man. lockup is like fucking gilligan’s island in this respect, but with silverware usually taking place of the coconuts.

Well the product they decided to experiment was this thing called the “MAMBO SOCK.” Now as a side note i would like to mention that the frat boys who invented this piece of shit are a couple of grade a jackasses and if i go to jail just for what i did these motherfuckers get the DEATH PENALTY in my opinion NO APPEALS. i don’t know what they fuck they were thinking with this shit. i put a tube sock on my dick and call it a “party twizzler” or something i’m not gonna go patent it and try to pretend it’s the greatest fucking thing since the bedspring gun.

quite simply, the mambo sock is BULLSHIT. i hate the fucking mambo sock as far as an invention goes.

For those who don’t know, what a mambo sock is is you take a pair of shorts and wear it on your head. and that’s a mambo sock.
I am not fucking joking. This is what these candyasses thought was a good idea, and what i heard this was actually very popular for about two months in high schools. What the hell is wrong with you kids? i know there’s gotta be some of you college kids reading my shit, i hope you have a good explanation for this. But anyway let me tell the story.

So they pass out these mambo socks to 12 of the inmates. One dozen mambo socks in the whole joint. they were very careful to spread these out to different demographics, make sure different type of racial backgrounds etc. get to give their opinion on the quality of the mambo sock.

So what ended up happening, you got every different type of dude is wearing a mambo sock. You got this huge black dude from the weightlifting community P-Dog, you got Encyclopdia pete (smart guy with glasses, some kind of master pervert), i think you got a little janey with lipstick, you got Toothpick Eddie (not to be confused with Toothpick charlie) a skinny mexican dude. All different types of dudes.

Now i’ve said it before i’ll say it again, there are different groups in prison – you got the blacks, you got the white supremists, you got the fags. There is also the rapists and molesters who stay on their own because they are everybody’s stepchild, they get eaten ALIVE by some of these motherfuckers. but for the most part there are gangs and families, and it is STRICT as a daddy with a leather belt collection.

but now all the sudden that summer you got a fucking rainbow coalition of mambo sock wearing motherfuckers. I swear to fucking christ there was a nazi dude starts spotting for P-Dog doing bench press. even encyclopedia pete a molester has 11 friends all the sudden, the god damn mambo sock mafia, walking around world’s best friends cause “hey man, you got the shorts on your head, we got something in common bro.”

“What’s that you claimin?”

“mambo socks.”

Now in the everyday world, this might be a pretty fucking site, even touching to have all the race, creed and color getting along. and i should mention i am NOT a racist, i don’t care whether your black, white, purple or fucking, id on’t know, red or something your okay in my book as LONG as you have love in your heart and instead of pussying out you will stand up to the negativity like me, kalspirti and a couple of these other guys trying to go straight or get clean.
BUT, in this specific circumstances in the joint there is nothing more fucked up than this multi culti mambo sock brotherhood because suddenly these guys start thinking their better than anybody else. the elite 12, the fucking dirty dozen.

and of course, there’s a little jealousy there, there’s a little inferiority complex because when your inside and you don’t really have an exposure to the outside culture, you start wondering maybe it is a good idea to put a god damn pair of shorts on your head. And you say why can’t I be the one put a pair of shorts on my head, why it’s gotta be encyclopedia, p-dog etc.?

So i think you can imagine what starts happening, right? a lot of these gangs are less than twelve already. Now their missing members that joined up the mambo socks and their pissed like a mama bear. Mambo socks walkin around with their noses in the air, little mambo sock string hangin down the back of their neck, thinking they the kings of the world. And the blacks don’t like it, white supremists don’t like it, mexicans don’t like it, only the screws like it cause they think it’s funny as hell, a little experiment like sticking black ants and red ants in the same ant farm.

These bad feelings all came to head one day in mess hall. Chubs Holiday, big fat dude from the black table goes over to the mambo sock table and sets up shop.

“you pantyhead motherfuckers don’t mind i eat lunch at your table, righ’? No, din’t think so.”

“fuck you chubs” p-dog said, he’s like the leader of the mambo socks in my opinion.

Guys from the black table looking over at this point, they obviously sent chubs and their keeping an eye on how it all turns out.

“Din’t ask you p-dog,” says chubs. Suddenly encyclopedia steps in.

“This is childish,” he says. “Please, this table is for mambos only.”

“What the fuck you know chickenhawk, cept the ‘help me find my puppy’ routine.”

“Oh I know a hell of a lot more than you do, you illiterate–” something something, he doesn’t get a chance to finish ’cause the other mambo socks jumpin on chubs, all hell breaks loose, and everybody in the room swarms the table like ants on a popsicle.
now in a way this was positive ’cause we got the blacks workin together, we got the whites working together, indians, everybody workin together to kill these fucking pricks with the stupid hats.

But then i’m thinking NO, this is bullshit, this is some fucking corporation fucking with our heads, not only by putting mambo socks on them but, you know what i mean.

A fucking mambo sock is not worth a PRISON RIOT. Now don’t get me wrong i am all up for rising up, uprising, up and kicking a screw’s ass, all kinds of ups. But nobody ever gets out during a prison riot. a couple screws get hurt MAYBE if your lucky. Mostly a bunch of short-sighted cons set their matresses on fire and get nothing out of it but a sore ass from sleeping on the cement floor.

So what i did, it was stupid, looking back i’m surprised it worked. but i yell at the top of my lungs. “LOOK AT ME MOTHERFUCKERS. LOOK AT FUCKING VERN.”

And a couple of them do, and a couple more do, and a couple more, and what they see is i’m standing on the top of the table, my dick hanging out, cause i took off my pants and put em on my head.


And the room got REAL fucking quiet. Like its church or something.

and it was the damndest thing. one by one, silently, these motherfuckers pull off their pants and put them on their head. In FACT, even some of the mambo sock dudes take off their pants, put it on their heads OVER the mambo socks. although i suppose encyclopedia pete, whatever, he’ll take his pants off any chance he gets so he doesn’t really count.

and i ain’t fucking lying to you, this worked like fucking martin luther king, breaking up this fight. everybody sits down and starts laughing (except a rookie named jake, who already had his skull fractured and part of his cheek bit off). and they sit down at the same tables, mixed up. and in all the commotion, half of these guys mambo socks fell off and nobody even picked them up.

And for one beautiful ass day, it was unity, not segregation. And everybody knows they got something in common with everybody, they all the underpriveleged classes caught up in street crime, end up in lockup together, facing long sentences in the same soulsucking slave machine, and also they all got their dick hanging out and the pants on their head. Like brothers.

Afterwards the 12 got a mabo sock tattoo on their arm, but nobody gave em shit for it and they didn’t make too big a deal out of it. Everybody forgot this ridiculous mambo sock business and went back to their race gangs where they belonged. the only downside to this story is that whatever the screws filled out in the report those stupid motherfuckers still released the mambo sock on the world, god damn son of a bitches.

But to be frankly honest i think mrs. name withheald from the guestbook could learn a thing or two from the book of vern in my opinion. if you haven’t sat down with a man bare ass on a cold mess hall bench, you don’t know that this dude is the same as you, no matter if he’s a big fat chubs, a skinny toothpick, mexican or mathematician pervert, christian or non christian, ex-con or non ex-con. And i guess you don’t know that there is a PLACE for everybody, EVEN in the church of christ.

i think you would do better to be a LITTLE more accepting of a dude and wait until you know the WHOLE story of his JOURNEY before you start writing the dude off. bitch

thanks lady

Now listen up. i need to eat. if your going to buy something from reel.com anyway, why the hell not use my link and help me out? i don’t get it. like one of you wrote to me about “city of children” dvd came out last tuesday WHAT THE FUCK MAN? your ordering it from reel.com anyway WHY THE FUCK NOT USE THIS LINK SO A MOTHERFUCKER CAN EAT. jesus man, i’m sorry but it would piss me off IF i wasn’t thinking of that scene from fight club… yeah, fuck it man. who cares. what do i need money for anyway man

This entry was posted on Monday, October 18th, 1999 at 4:28 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

3 Responses to “Mambo Socks”

  1. I would buy a whole book of stories like this.

  2. Writing like this is why Vern is one of three writers that I support on Patreon. One of the funniest things I’ve read in months.

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