The magnificent Vern asked us to pass this on. Please don’t make him sad… Here’s Vern…
Dear Spike TV,
What’s up bro. (I think that’s how you guys talk, right? You call each other bro. That’s the impression I get from your logo and your ads, bro.) My brothers, I am writing regarding the series BLADE: THE SERIES which, as I hope you are aware, is on your network. If you are not familiar with it I wrote a review of it a while back. [HERE].
I knew it would have to happen eventually, but I was still sad at the end of this week’s episode when I heard Kirk Sticky Jones saying, “Next week, on the season finale of BLADE…” This immediately brought to mind some questions, and not just about what will happen on the exciting season finale next Wednesday at 10pm on Spike TV Television For Men. It also brought up questions like “Will Season 2 be only 13 episodes again or will it be a full season?” and “Will we have to wait until next summer to see it?” and “Will it be even more awesome than Season 1 and, if so, could that be dangerous?” But maybe the most relevant question at this point is “Will there even be a Season 2?”
So I looked it up and apparently the official answer is an emphatic “Fuck if I know.” They say that while the pilot got huge ratings, the other episodes were just pretty good ratings (not taking into account that the viewers are spread out across four different showings. It doesn’t count as ‘watching’ when we don’t watch it at ten. Honestly, I don’t know who we thought we were fooling). I have also read that the ratings have improved over the season but that you guys were disturbed to find that the show was more popular than expected among women. I guess women don’t count as real viewers either, because they’re not allowed to vote in Saudi Arabia and all the ads for Ultimate Fighting Championship have no effect on them.
Well I’ll tell you what, Spike TV. I am a male individual who doesn’t watch much TV and never watched a single other show on your network. Give or take 5 minutes of that show where you racist assholes make fun of Takeshi Kitano. Despite this, I have watched every episode of BLADE. As a zealous devotee of the BLADE movies and of Wesley Snipes in general, I really didn’t think it was gonna translate well to TV, especially (no offense) Spike TV. I thought Sticky was too short and had too high a voice, I thought the ads looked cheesy, I wasn’t so sure about this “Krista Starr” character, or Shen, the hip Asian sidekick, or this villain, who seemed like he might end up being one of those corny Eurotrash vampires the movies so wisely stayed away from. But by halfway through the pilot I was letting my guard down and by episode 2 I was hooked. BLADE for life, bitches. I mean, bros. You won me over.
If your problem is just that you hate and fear women, and don’t want them to increase your viewership and make you into a real network instead of a national joke that everbody flips past, I say it’s time to get over that fear. I’m telling you this as your friend, because I care about you. In a male bonding, teammate kind of way, not like we’re gonna even man hug or anything. But you know what, if you watch the show BLADE you can actually learn about these women. They can be strong, intelligent and complicated, and they can fight. Also they can walk around naked and at the end of episode 12 they can kiss each other. They can get blown up but they can heal if they are vampires, they have a supply of blood, and they rest in the hospital for one full episode. What I’m saying is that these women that are fucking your shit up are actually pretty cool. I’m sure if you need them to watch wrestling or buy Ax body spray or whatever stupid bullshit it is that will make you do another season of BLADE, they will humor you.
You got a good show here and alot of people love it. Herc doesn’t love it, but he watches GILMORE GIRLS so, from what I understand, you don’t want him anyway. But if you change your mind on that, I’m sure once Season 1 comes out on DVD even he might give it a chance. You will definitely get more people watching Season 2 because they became addicted after they rented Season 1.
So here is what you can expect from us: we will excitedly wait for Season 2. We will buy the DVD of Season 1. When Season 2 finally starts airing, we will watch the shit out of it, it won’t even know what hit it. What we will not do is beg or cry. We will not take out ads or rent billboards or send you silver bullets in the mail or some corny shit like that. We have our dignity. We also won’t threaten to boycott your network because we know you’re not that stupid. (Yeah right, what are we gonna boycott, all you show is ten thousand reruns of Star Trek and CSI, and occasionally a ‘World’s Wildest Police Videos’.) But if you’re not stupid then it follows that you wouldn’t do something stupid like NOT renew BLADE. I know people always assume you’re stupid because you’re called SPIKE TV TELEVISION FOR MEN, but I’m not gonna make that judgment. I think that’s up to you to prove one way or the 0ther. What’s it gonna be? You gonna ice skate uphill? Did I catch you fuckers at a bad time?
If you are NOT Spike TV and you are reading this, but agree that they oughta renew BLADE, apparently you could contact them a number of ways to tell them what’s good for them: 2049 Century Park East, Suite 4000 Los Angeles, CA 90067 Fax: 212.846.2560 (fax them a bunch of awesome drawings of Blade chopping up vampires, I guess) feedback link for Spike: http://www.spiketv.com/interact/feedback/feedback.jhtml.
THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO REACH THEM! feedback phone: 212-846-2560 email for the show: Blade@SpikeTV.com. (I guess since I have their email I should probaly just be sending this to them instead of doing an “open letter.” I don’t want to get on some spam mailing list though so I’ll just do an open letter.)
They always say “be polite” so if you write please refer to them as “bro” and use the word “shit” once per letter or email, since they use it once per episode. If your name is clearly a girl’s name, tell them that you are a tomboy or butch dyke, and you will buy whatever stupid boy shit they advertise during the show. And you will NEVER, EVER fast forward through the ads. In fact, you will rewind the ads and watch them again after you’re done with each episode and then you’ll recommend all the products to other consumers.
Of course, we could also put this energy toward stopping the war or rebuilding New Orleans or something, but how are we gonna concentrate on that if we keep wondering what the fuck happened to Blade and friends? Anyway thanks Spike TV. High five, bud. Down low. Up top again. Chest bump. Now we call each other fags, I guess. I don’t know all your customs. I just love BLADE.
p.s. you guys were created by Spike Lee, right?
p.p.s. write back soon
Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/30024
View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback
Sept. 12, 2006, 7:20 p.m. CST
Sept. 12, 2006, 10:10 p.m. CST
The pilot sucked, but the series is GOOD
I fucking hated the pilot and swore the series off for good. Then people started telling me that it turned into one of the best shows horror shows on television. They were right. I kept watching and somewhere around the third episode, it starts to pick up. I’m pretty surprised with it. Hope it comes back!
Sept. 12, 2006, 10:25 p.m. CST
Blartifartass, “I don’t see anything racist about it”
I’m guessing neither does Vern, since nothing you ght up smacks of gender inequality. He’s yapping about a show where the protagtonist is a black male, not an “anything” female — paisley, polka-dot, or otherwise.
Sept. 12, 2006, 10:38 p.m. CST
Hah. Vern, you rock.
I don’t even like Blade. But Vern, this was one of the funniest damned things I’ve read in a long time.
Sept. 12, 2006, 11:34 p.m. CST
I don’t know all your customs; I just love BLADE.
Vern, that open letter alone oughta guarantee the show gets a second season. And somebody at SpikeTV ought to call your ass and offer you a job doing commercial teasers. Funny fucking stuff, my brotha.
Sept. 12, 2006, 11:32 p.m. CST
Blade is a fun, dumb show…
In exactly the same sort of way that something like Stargate SG-1 is a fun, dumb show. It’s by no means a great show, it’s not Deadwood or The Wire or 24 or Lost or Battlestar or House or Rescue Me. It’s not deep and meaningful, and it doesn’t pretend to be, it’s fun a fun watch. It’s popcorn tv, nothing more, nothing less. And there really isn’t very much popcorn tv on air these days that gets what it is and lives by it, with no delusions of grandure or lofty pretentions. An expensive steak is great, but sometimes you just feel like a burger, and Blade is a tasty burger. Though I doubt I’ll really miss it if it goes, I hope that Blade continues, because, you know what, I enjoy a good burger every so often.
Sept. 12, 2006, 11:50 p.m. CST
that “racist” show where they make fun of takeshi
or MXC as it is called is the funniest show on tv after Gerhard Reinke’s wanderlust which was canceled after 6 episodes years ago. i like beat takeshi but MXC is dumbasses hurting themselves in hilarious ways set to goofy voices and silly names but JESUS CHRIST is it funny. go to fucking hell vern, i used to be a fan of yours because you reviewed a couple JCVD movies and your review of 8 below was alright but MXC is a classic and you have lost a fan with that bullshit. i know it stings but you have to learn.
Sept. 13, 2006, 12:32 a.m. CST
it wasn’t verns WORST contribution
by Bob C. Cock
it was a little funny
Sept. 13, 2006, 1:17 a.m. CST
Chickychow’s highest acheivment in life:
Posting an ignorant comment in a Vern talkback.
Sept. 13, 2006, 2:59 a.m. CST
I gotta disagree with a few points
First of all, I got no problem with Joss Whedon. That movie “Serenity” was pretty good and I even like his Alien sequel. Just because there are freakos who follow him around trying to live life as his characters doesn’t mean he is “what’s wrong with television” or whatever.
That said, I am glad that Metalwater is just pulling our legs saying that ignorant nonsense about that Whedon should take over somebody else’s vampire show and make it like his old vampire show. Sure, Goyer stumbled with Blade 3 but he CREATED the fucking thing. I would rather them not do any Blade anymore than do it without him.
Also I gotta disagree with Chickychow, I am not an idiot and actually you should probaly give at least a vague notion of what it was about the letter that you hated so much. Otherwise you might as well just type up some x’s and o’s in the talkback window there and you’d be communicating almost the same amount of information.
Finally, for Blartifartimus, the racist show I was talking about was “Silly Asian Racism Challenge,” where they take the Japanese show “Storming Takeshi’s Castle” but instead of just presenting it as the ridiculous entertainment it is they insist on dubbing over the voices with wacky hilarious american dudes who show you how silly and stupid the Asians are for making this show. Ha ha get it they have american names those funny Japanese. That is my impression of it anyway, but as I said I’ve only watched a little bit so I will take not Blartifartiass’s word (since he doesn’t even know what racism is) but the other guy who actually watches and enjoys the show and knows more about it than I do. I gotta ask though, do you think when they started this show they even knew who Takeshi Kitano was? I guess I am sensitive because I consider him one of the world’s two Badass Laureates and therefore don’t like people trying to make fun of him.
Also I disagree with the people who say “this show should be cancelled.” For more information re-read the open letter. thanks everybody.
Sept. 13, 2006, 12:49 p.m. CST
Got a great death count each week. And Charlotte is one of the all-time BADASS baddies. And all from a little girl! Killer performance. I was genuinely sad that Cahrlotte got dusted. She had to be off course, she was a bady eating monster! lol. But she was such a cool character that I hope they find a way of bringing her back. Great show and Kirk rocks
Sept. 13, 2006, 12:57 p.m. CST
Is Blade gay too?
Consider the fact that the only reason the premiere of Blade did a good ratings is because UFC did a live special beforehand and promoted the shit out of the show. Without UFC in front of it, the ratings dropped. ZombieSolutions, see that “gay” guy mounting that other guy? Yeah, he could kick your fucking ass. I believe Vern mentioned wrestling. Fuck Blade, give LAX their own show.
Sept. 13, 2006, 1:12 p.m. CST
In my opinion Blade is not gay
I got nothing against the gays. But I just can’t imagine anybody whose dad is played by Richard Roundtree being gay. There is just so much heterosexuality in Shaft that it seems like some of it would have to pass down through the family tree. On the other hand I suppose you could argue that Shaft is TOO heterosexual and is using up all the heterosexual genes until no more are available. I am not a scientist or geneticist so I’m not sure how it all works, especially in Daywalkers. In conclusion, Blade is bi.
Sept. 13, 2006, 3:43 p.m. CST
by Lando Griffin
Die Hard 2 had “Yippee Ki Yay Mr. Falcon” dubbed in when I watched it on tv once and there was not even an attempt at trying to match voices. ***** Was Kung Pow the movie racist? How about imported dubbed kung fu movies in general?
Sept. 14, 2006, 12:58 a.m. CST
Speaking of bad dubbed lines…
..the worst has to be the TV version of Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing where you have Radio Raheem of all people saying MICKIE FICKIE.
Sept. 14, 2006, 4:10 a.m. CST
Don’t forget MAMMA JAMMA
another term used many times in DO THE RIGHT THING tv version. And I believe “Put some more moozarella on that mo’fucker ‘n shit” became “Put some more cheese on that bad boy, you know what I’m sayin?” By the way, I loved the BLADE finale, and it seems like at least when they were making the episode they were expecting a second season. Otherwise that would be kind of a lame ending.
Sept. 14, 2006, 9:09 a.m. CST
by Lost Prophet
Now you’re an airplane blonde (got a black box-geddit?) can you ban fuckers that shill their sites here- the likes of Mits777, Matty-obsessed-with-shit, gallery chappe, and that bell-end that was giving quint shit in the peter jackson interview? Remember with great power comes great responsibility. Personally, I couldn’t care less about this series as Blade without wesley snipes seems wrong to me.
Sept. 14, 2006, 9:48 a.m. CST
MXC is racist. And so is Woody Allen!
Woody Allen is such a racist. What’s up Tiger Lilly? More like What’s up, KKK!! He took a great Asian movie like “International Secret Police: Key of Keys” and turned it into a stupid movie with white people voices dubbed over it. What a bastard, he makes me sick!
(if you read the above statement and would like to learn more about racism, and sarcasm, please consult your local librarian or hobo).
Sept. 14, 2006, 10:11 a.m. CST
Blade the series Rocks!
Each episode is better than the previous one. No wonder the women watched it. Jill Wagner has legs up to here! ^^
Sept. 14, 2006, 11:01 a.m. CST
by Turd Furgusen
I always like your posts. Be it in a TB or a review, but if MXC is racist, then “Banzai” is way more racist on G4. I am going as Guy LeDouche for Holloween. Does that make me racist? I really think Takeshi meant for people on that show to be characters, even the contestants. BTW, I’m with you on the dubbed “Blade” ending. No clue. Hey Lost Profit, don’t forget to add Jingokid, or whatever the name is, to that list. That damn zombie movie shit is real annoying. Almost forgot. Congrats on the black box. You earned it after the vs. post against demondave.
Sept. 14, 2006, 1:01 p.m. CST
I can’t ban people
I don’t think the black box gives me that ability although it might be like X-Men or Batman and I am still learning how to use my powers. I don’t know what Banzai or G4 are, but I agree, they must be racists. (Why not?) And sure, we can throw in Woody Allen. Anyway – and I’m sure this will win you guys over – I should say that aside from racist or not racist, I hate that Mystery Science shit in general. I’m not saying they’re not “funny” some of the time, I just hate that whole belittling attitude of dubbing over somebody else’s hard work with your superior wiseass shit. I have more sympathy for the poor bastards who made the crappy movie I guess. And if anybody tries to dub over BROTHER or KIKIJURO I will kill them. Since that threat is written on a black box you must take it seriously. JOHNNY MNEMONIC you might get away with. We’ll see.
Sept. 14, 2006, 2:23 p.m. CST
Hey Vern part dux
by Turd Furgusen
http://www.g4tv.com/banzai/index.html Just in case you are interested. The show has some funny moments. However, they have some pretty sterotypical characters and situations. G4 channel is got some really great stuff. Just remember to use your powers for good. There are certain TB-ers on here, (I am looking at you ringwearer9), that try to subvert you and steal your powers for evil. Keep on doing that voodoo, that you do, so well!
Sept. 14, 2006, 3:34 p.m. CST
I know, ban metalwater for being a dumbass
because everything he posts just reeks of stupidity. First he wants the original BSG back, now he wants Whedon on Blade. That is just a ridiculous idea, not because I’m a Whedon-hater. On the contrary, vampires were a means to an end on Buffy – it wasn’t about vampires, it was about teens’ fears of growing up. Blade’s a whole different animal. To suggest that just because it’s another series about vampires, that Whedon’s your man is just…you have to be kidding. No one could miss the point that much.
Sept. 14, 2006, 5 p.m. CST
Eyeball in a jar
I think the metalwater guy is just jerkin everybody’s chain, so don’t worry about it. Just keep your chain out of his reach. And now I would like to bring up the season finale of Blade again. They definitely ended it in such a way that if there’s not a season 2 it will seem like a dumb ending. I thought they might do something that sort of wraps things up, but instead they bring it to a point that is only meaningful if you get to see what happens next. This episode piled on a little extra hardcore. You got 1. Blade cutting a guy’s eye out and carrying it around in a jar 2. One good guy mouthing “I’m sorry” before prying another good guy’s fingernails off 3. a female ass 4. lots of fighting (which I guess means it’s gay, despite the female ass) 5. Raiders of the Lost Ark face-melting ending. I really felt in this episode that Sticky was coming into his own as TV Blade. TV Blade is pretty dark, pretty scary. He has even less of a sense of humor than Movie Blade and seems to get a real kick out of mutilating humans who work for vampires. And he claims to see Krista as an “asset” not as a comrade, so it will be interesting to see what happens once she is no longer a valuable asset to him. Will Blade do the unthinkable and be nice to somebody? Only time and the graciousness of Spike TV will tell. What I’m saying is FOR GOD’S SAKE GIVE US SEASON 2. If you do it I will take back everything I said about racism and try to get you guys nominated for some sort of NAACP or Asian American Sensitivity Society award or something. thanks Spike TV.
Sept. 14, 2006, 5:08 p.m. CST
NO Euro-Trash Vampires in Blade Movies?
You’re kidding right? Udo Kier anyone? The blonde, dreadlocked chick, maybe. If that ain’t Euro-Trash I don’t know what is.
Sept. 14, 2006, 6:14 p.m. CST
by Lando Griffin
Now I get what you were doing Vern. You were taking the long way around to go all “What does it take to change the essence of a man?” on us. Fucking brilliant. Now I feel guilty for having ever laughed at any joke, race related or not, on All In The Family.
I bet Spike feels no guilt over MXC whatsoever, it balances out with a show about a black vampire)
Back to your Bruce Lee and sounds he makes whilst kicking ass comment earlier in the talkback – now I feel like a bigot as for the longest time I believed all Belgian kickboxers made the “Aaaaahhhhh” sound every time they finished roundhouse kicking someone to the ground. But rather than get down on myself I blame the Muscles From Brussels. Speaking of anyone see the Mentos/Bloodsport video? priceless – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Wyzqof90Ys
Sept. 14, 2006, 6:16 p.m. CST
Okay fine, but the villain in BLADE was Stephen Dorff, playing a Stephen Dorff type. The villain in BLADE 2 was the ancient vampire guy and I suppose you could argue that sort-of villain Nomak is “Euro-trash” since he is, in fact, from Europe. And the villain in the third one was muscle-Dracula. I guess all of these guys are of European descent but none of them fit that mold of the type of Interview With the Vampire type romantic vampires with English accents. So I was worried about this Marcus Van Scyver character at first glance, but he turned out to be a good villain.
Sept. 15, 2006, 2:55 a.m. CST
Vern, this is all so touching coming from you!!!
by Bob Cryptonight
I mean…you seem actually worried about losing this show!!! God Bless you, bud. Anyway, to those who claim to hate the Blade show: FORGET ABOUT THE MOVIES!!! That helps a lot. This show is more like an X-FILES (than, say, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER which was too silly for me)…it has a really complicated-but-cool plot with sub-plots…and characters that sometimes even matter MORE than the lead…it’s a lot of shit that the movies could never have done! That’s what makes it special. I agree that the Blade character is the weak link…but really he is more of a catalyst for all the other more interesting stuff. The opening first 15 minutes of THE ORIGINAL Blade movie (with the dance club, blood-from-sprinklers, etc.) is probably the coolest, most REWARDING action sequence in cool action sequence history. AND NO T.V. SHOW CAN REALLY ESCAPE THAT SHADOW!!! So if you can just accept the t.v. show outside of the movies, it really helps you get past the built-in prejudice of having loved Snipes in the role. That said: Vern, you are the man!!!
Sept. 15, 2006, 7:29 a.m. CST
I’m in agreement with you Vern, at first I thought the show would completely suck. The pilot began to confirm my fears, but I watched and this show really is good. Where else are you going to see a guy rip another man’s jaw off? As seen in the Hunter’s episode that moment alone is reason to bring this show back. And wouldn’t you know it Sticky Fingaz has actually grew on me, he’s no Wesley Snipes for sure but I don’t loathe him. Now they still need to make another move to wash away the God awful sight from our eyes that was Blade Trinity.
Sept. 15, 2006, 11:28 a.m. CST
MetalWater and Blade with Whedon?
Are you frakkin’ serious? Whedon would cast stick figure women in the accessory roles and give them prominence above Blade. He’d emasculate Blade. I mean really, the guy ain’t hardcore. Now, getting the other writers from *Angel* – sans Whedon – would sharpen the teeth on this franchise but Goyer gives it the ‘tude. You may dis’ him all you want to over *Blade 3* but he is the man who transformed the character from a third string Marvel character into the badazz that we know him as.
Sept. 15, 2006, 7:24 p.m. CST
You are they coolest part of this site. biggest laugh: “Herc doesn’t love it, but he watches GILMORE GIRLS so, from what I understand, you don’t want him anyway.” lol! ouch! I never saw Blade 1, 2, 3 or :The Series. Vampires are boring. Even in Whedon-form they are just ALMOST bare-able, and i think that was because Spike (the character, not the TV network) was awesome and Angel (the character, not the biblical creature) was “da shit”. That geller girl was hot for a while, but then got annoying and too skinny. But there were lesbians, so thats cool. hmm… anyways, what were we taking about? Transformers?
Sept. 16, 2006, 1:15 p.m. CST
I gotta check that one out. You’re saying Zach Galligan is the bad guy? Looks like it was directed by the action coordinator of HALF PAST DEAD too. In other random connections to Seagal news, FIRE DOWN BELOW director Felix Alcala did two episodes of BLADE:THE SERIES, including the awesome one where Blade gets run over and kidnapped at the beginning.
Sept. 16, 2006, 5:55 p.m. CST
new episode of sonic warriors
the fifth episode of Sonic Warriors “Judger Be Judged” is ready to rock your face nuggets…WATCH IT!!!
Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0EJleR6Oo4
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHJoESRpuvw
Sept. 17, 2006, 8:47 a.m. CST
just be thankful it is no longer The Nashville Network, we might have ‘Cowboy Troy’ as Blade.
Sept. 17, 2006, 2:30 p.m. CST
I hope it comes back…
I *almost* missed this series after seeing a very bad review of the pilot on AintItCool. Boy, am I glad I tried it anyhow. Took until the second episode or so, but I fell in love with it fairly quickly. Dark, smart, well-paced, memorable, and edgy IMO. Love the characters. LOVE the no fear as to switching things up and doing things that aren’t expected (like characters you think are going to be major players dying for example). And the season finale frakking rocked! Dare I say, for me anyhow, the best superhero-to-TV adaptation I’ve seen. I even like it better than Smallville. More, please!
Sept. 17, 2006, 2:32 p.m. CST
I like the series better than the first movie, though I haven’t seen the other two movies yet (on my todo list; just never got around to it).
Sept. 23, 2006, 4:35 a.m. CST
Just a Further Step..
Hi …I was impressed with the films of Blade and was of the opinion that a series could be a great way of developing the charactor and building depth into a plot and have to say WOW ! this has really moved things along. THe danger now is that “ratings” dictate the future of any programme and this one could fall on the very point of it’s success. It is clear that more and more people are getting interested in the series well after transmission , I myself only latched on after watching the first 3 episodes from recorded tape.I really hope Spike will do a second season as it certainly deserves it.I will watch this space with interest!
Sept. 23, 2006, 2:49 p.m. CST
I’ll have to rent the DVD
I’m going to trust you on this one, Vern. The open letter was great. However, I have to respectfully disagree on Mystery Science Theater. I think heckling is a really great way of creating audience interaction, and more importantly, lets us get through god awful movies with something to look forward to. I’ve never heard the MST3K guys be like, ‘man, they never should have made this movie’ (which btw I hear often on aicn talkbacks), it’s more like, ‘they made this movie, it sucked, so let’s celebrate it!’ I don’t see it as belittling other people’s art as much as it is about creating satire from art. As for What’s Up Tiger Lily, never found it funny and redubbing is pretty different from heckling.
VERN has a new action-horror novel out called WORM ON A HOOK! He has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the film criticism books Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal and Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer!: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics as well as the crime novel Niketown.