I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Vern will ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and you don’t want that revealed, do you?

SPOILER ALERT !!

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with Vern, who is in top form with his review of I’LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, the direct-to-video sequel of that b-level franchise. Once again, my words are meaningless when one as great as Vern is waiting for your attention, so I will give the man his stage. Enjoy!

Howdy fellas –

I’ll always know what you did last summer. You wore short sleeves and complained about Star Wars 3 alot. Also, that’s the name of the new DTV sequel to I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. It’s from the director of TROIS 3: THE ESCORT and the writer of OCTOPUS 1&2 and stars a bunch of young TV actors I never heard of.

When last we left our heroes (you know, the kids who ran over a guy and then lied about it), they were in the Bahamas fighting against a vengeful fisherman with a hook. There was no need for a surprise twist of who the killer was, it was still the guy with a hook. I believe Jeffrey Combs was involved, the R&B singer Brandy (who your parents used to listen to) survived due to contract negotiations, and an uncredited Jack Black grunted “it’s all good” as he was gored to death. I’m sure other things happened but that’s what I remember. Then Jennifer Love Hewitt had to leave to prepare for the GARFIELD movies.

I'll Always Know What You Did Last SummerThat was 8 years ago, so the teens who were mildly entertained by the sequel at that time have blossomed into adulthood. To celebrate this new stage in their lives, Hollywood is giving this audience what they give every generation as it reaches maturity: a replacement group of teenage protagonists. Enjoy.

Obviously, since we’re dealing with an entirely new set of characters, the thing that the person knows about what they did 9 or 10 summers ago is not the same thing. At this point even the fisherman is probaly thinking ah fuck it, it’s time to move on. So we gotta start out with a new dark secret for some kids to bury.

They figured out a way to tie it in to the old series though. The movie opens at a carnival on the 4th of July, where the new group of teens discuss the legend of the fisherman with the hook who kills people on the 4th of July. Then without warning the fisherman appears and runs through the carnival, scaring the shit out of everyone.

A crowd watches in terror as the killer runs onto the roof and battles P.J., the sheriff’s son. This scene is hilarious because P.J., like all teens, is a skateboarder. He uses his board to block the hook and then skates across the roof and does an awesome trick.

Then the lead teens run off and giggle because this whole thing was a prank, their friend was dressed up as the fisherman. The hook he used allegedly belonged to the original fisherman, and he bought it on ebay. Somehow it’s not until a little later that they notice that P.J. never landed his awesome skateboard trick, and was impaled on a tractor.

So they bury the costume, they agree that “the secret dies with us,” and then we skip to a year later. All the teens are now graduating and talking about moving away and what not, so it is that ripe time of change that horror movies for some reason always have to be about. Then the plot starts to unfold basically the same way as in the first movie, except with one MAJOR twist. Instead of finding a note that says “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER,” she gets a text message!

You see? That’s why they had to wait 8 years to make this baby. The technology was not available in the late ’90s to pull this story off. They could’ve done it but the note would’ve had to be on paper, or an email. And what’s the fun of that? Instead the producers did the right thing. They waited until the science was where it needed to be to really give America the type of topnotch storytelling they demand in a sequel they never asked for to a movie they didn’t really like all that much in the first place and had mostly forgotten about.

The filmatism here is in some ways better than your standard DTV, in other ways exactly as bad. On the good side, the photography looks pretty nice. It looks like it was shot on location in Colorado or if not at least not in the same spots of L.A. and Vancouver that everything else is shot in. The opening shot is kind of creepy. You hear a creaking sound and after a while you see that it’s ski gondolas moving in a breeze on a sunny summer day. That’s an unusual image so I was impressed, at least until they came back to the gondolas about 6 or 7 times (one of the characters works and even lives there, at the ski lift place).

The editing on the movie is annoying though, avid farts all over the place. And they commit one of the top sins of bad horror: a fuckin avalanche of fake scares, usually accompanied by some kind of unnatural thunder clap or whoosh or something. In this movie the characters are suddenly startled by:

  • a cop with a flashlight (WHOOSH!)
  • some crows flying
  • a clock radio
  • the gondolas suddenly turning on
  • a guy riding a gondola
  • the sheriff suddenly appearing (BOOM!)
  • the gondolas turning on again
  • a guy suddenly appearing with a crowbar so it looks like a hook (BANG!)
  • a friend sneaking up and tapping somebody on the shoulder
  • a guy banging a pan
  • a door opening
  • etc.

When you do those type of things once or twice it seems cheap, especially if it’s only the soundtrack that makes it startling. When you do it over and over again, it just makes you look like an asshole. Come on director Sylvain White, you can do better than this. I don’t know you but I know the potential of humanity so I know you don’t have to be pulling these types of shenanigans. If man can invent text messaging then SURELY he can invent ways to actually be scary instead of just saying BOO! over and over again.

And by the way, speaking of sound effects, there’s one thing I’d like to point out to the sound effects people. I know I’m no expert on your field but it has occurred to me before that in order to get the sound of metal striking metal, you need two separate pieces of metal. If you only have one hook, that is not gonna make a metal against metal sound every time you pull it out or swing it around. It’s just gonna make the sound of one hook: nothing. Consider that in future productions, please.

I am not recommending this movie, but I do have to admit that after a slow start I did get some good laughs here and there. There’s lots of funny-bad dialogue like when a girl says “Would you chill? Nothing’s gonna happen in the next 2 minutes.” (Actual time before killer appears: 10 seconds.)

The weirdest scene is when a character is overcome by guilt and decides to kill himself. There’s a montage where he drinks, has some pills, writes a suicide note, and then starts to slit his wrist with the actual fisherman hook that he got on ebay. Suddenly he is startled by a noise. Hmmm, I’ll go investigate, then come back and finish committing suicide. He sees what looks like the silhouette of the fisherman behind a curtain and pulls it open to reveal… a coat. And he says, “Coat.”

Of course he ends up getting killed, which is ironic since he was about to kill himself anyway. This is probaly an homage to the opening of SWORD OF DOOM where an old man prays to be taken to the afterlife and then gets murdered by a crazy ronin. Or maybe not.

The one crazy thing that happens that almost makes it dumb enough to be worth your while is the surprise twist of who the killer is. Sometimes I’ve been pretty cavalier about giving away this type of stuff (the guy from Felicity is the killer, the girl is a guy, he’s a ghost, it’s people, etc.) but in a franchise like this that means so much to people on so many different levels, I’m not gonna ruin it for anybody.

S
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this
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spoiler
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is

TURN BACK NOW

DON’T DO IT

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***ALMOST TO SPOILER ZONE GO AWAY***

LAST THREE CHANCES

1

2

3

OKAY ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE SAFE

1

TOO BAD YOU BLEW IT HERE IS THE SPOILER

In the last scene Jennifer Love Hewitt runs out, naked from the knees up and covered in blood, swinging the hook and cackling about revenge. Nah just fuckin with you, this is a decoy spoiler. If this had been an actual spoiler she would’ve had her clothes on.

S

P

O

I

Okay, enough fucking around. The twist is that the killer is not the Sheriff, not the Sheriff’s other sons, not the guilt ridden co-conspirator, not any of the red herrings. It is, in fact, some kind of zombie or ghost of the original fisherman from parts 1 and 2. Because a group of kids kept a secret, it somehow brought him out of the grave, maybe summoned his corpse to swim from the Bahamas to Colorado. (It could happen, he had a year.) So bullets don’t hurt him and neither does running over him in the car. But they do have his original murder hook from ebay, and that’s the silver bullet. (He has his own separate hook, either it’s a ghost hook or he picked up a new one on the way from the Bahamas.)

Although it’s the same character it’s not Muse Watson anymore, it’s Don Shanks, who played Michael Meyers in HALLOWEEN 5. I’m not gonna blame Shanks, but this fisherman doesn’t seem like he’s trying as hard these days. Very little creative expression involved in his murders. He pretty much just sticks with hooking people. In one part he sneaks up on the beefy Anthony Michael Hall-looking jock guy and hooks his Achilles tendon. But come on, fisherman. The Achilles tendon is the only weakness of ACHILLES. This is a totally different guy, so he survives. Do your research, fisherman.

The closest thing to a creative kill is when he impales a guy on a forklift. But even then he doesn’t have to make the effort of driving the forklift into the guy, it just happens to be there with the platform raised to the right level. So he got lucky. (Unless it was him who put the forklift there, maybe he prepared this well in advance, in which case I take back this criticism and tip my hat to the guy for his in-depth planning. But also I’d have to question who parked that tractor that caused this whole new mess in the first place.)

And let’s be honest, even in his glory days the fisherman was at best a C-list movie stalker. Even in the annals of hook-users he barely makes it into the top 5. Captain Hook is clearly better, and has the hook for a hand. Candyman is better, and has the hook for a hand, AND has bees inside his chest. And it goes without saying that William Devane in ROLLING THUNDER (who again has the hook for a hand) is better. And for number four, I’d have to go with Kareem for his sky hook. The fisherman does good work on occasion but well below the standard of these 4, not to mention the fact that he has two hands and just holds the hook. Which is kind of cheating.

So anyway. I gotta admit that the basic idea behind these stories is kinda compelling. For an ordinary person, to be responsible for somebody’s death and to keep it a secret is a horrible scenario. Man, you never figured on being a murderer, and now all the sudden you got that around your neck for the rest of your life. You can just imagine the guilt of being responsible for something like that and the fear of being found out at any moment. Your life would never be the same, you’d always have it hanging over you. The thing is though, these movies have this theme of personal responsibility, but the heroes never do take responsiblity for their actions. Yeah, they kill the magic zombie fisherman murderer, but their friend is still dead and they still haven’t admitted that they did it. They do tell the idiot police department that “I couldn’t really see his face. But he’s not from around here. Just some crazy guy… He won’t bother anybody again.” And apparently the police consider that case closed, so there’s one loose end they’ve lied shut.

It seems like this “zombie fisherman who haunts kids who accidentally killed somebody and covered it up” premise is meant to open up the franchise to infinite new possibilities, but there is one problem. Titles. The world will only accept so many I ALSO REMEMBER WHAT YOU OTHER KIDS DID LAST SUMMER type titles before it becomes too silly. At this point it is at the top level of acceptable silliness before it spills over into permanent joke. So the series has four more in it, tops. Maybe five.

thanks,

Vern

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/23690

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • June 24, 2006, 10:19 p.m. CST

    First…

    by KarmicRelief

    …to know that this is really gonna suck.

  • June 24, 2006, 10:29 p.m. CST

    …and probably LAST.

    by JustinSane

    This is an “I Know What You Did Last Summer” talkback, after all.

  • June 24, 2006, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Vern!

    by lycanthrope

    Why can’t they pair Vern with Roger Ebert – and give him his own special at Cannes – the man is a genius!

  • June 24, 2006, 10:32 p.m. CST

    The Gorton’s Fisherman

    by lycanthrope

    He should show up in a movie with all the other horror serial killers – Michael Myers, Jason, Leatherface, Freddy, Henry, the Leprechaun, the Wishmaster, etc etc etc – and they all just laugh at him until he goes away and tries to start over as a crossing guard killer or something.

  • June 24, 2006, 10:39 p.m. CST

    Hardly a spoiler

    by The Funketeer

    since IMDB lists the fisheman in the cast list.

  • June 24, 2006, 10:42 p.m. CST

    I’ll always know what Hewitt’s tits did in 1997

    by Little Beavis

    bounce

  • June 24, 2006, 10:45 p.m. CST

    The text message is coming from inside the house…

    by Alonzo Mosely

  • June 24, 2006, 10:51 p.m. CST

    Yes… the zombie fisherman

    by Ridge

    We all knew that was coming… I mean it’s so gosh darn obvious isn’t it. It HAS to be a zombie… for sure!

    Sounds like it’s on par with Urban Legend 3 lol…

  • June 24, 2006, 10:54 p.m. CST

    I’ll always retch

    by Ridge

    at what you reviewed this summer…

  • June 24, 2006, 11:02 p.m. CST

    Is there really a guy banging a pan?

    by Bob of the Shire

    Hahahaha.

  • June 24, 2006, 11:03 p.m. CST

    The paragraph starting “You see?” is the funniest one..

    by The Wrong Guy

    I’ve ever read on here. Gold, Vern. Pure gold. :)

  • June 24, 2006, 11:07 p.m. CST

    I’ll take…

    by VanLingoMungo

    Really unnecessary movies for five hundred Alex.

  • June 24, 2006, 11:10 p.m. CST

    by Ridge

    Starring an untalented unknown cast, low grade effects and a shit storyline with a totally implausible killer!!!!

    The question… “What is… part 3 of most horror series!”

  • June 24, 2006, 11:20 p.m. CST

    It’s one of the most dangeous occupations…

    by veritasses

    Being a fisherman that is. No, not the weekend fish off a pier type, the go out on a boat for months type. Somewhat ironic that the fisherman is a killer. Anyway, they should make a new category of movie a notch below “Direct To Video/DVD” called “direct to $1.99 bin at Walmart”.

  • June 24, 2006, 11:26 p.m. CST

    I wish the skateboarder’s spirit merged w/ fisherman…

    by Big Bad Clone

    so he could hook kids and then do an awesome trick off their bloody corpse.

  • June 24, 2006, 11:34 p.m. CST

    by Ridge

    HANG TEN CORPSES DUDE!!!!

  • June 24, 2006, 11:35 p.m. CST

    Seriously though

    by Ridge

    I smell a bunch of studio execs who said… ‘Why don’t we zombify the guy like they did with Jason in part 6!!!! Fish! Zombies! FISH ZOMBIE!!!’

  • June 24, 2006, 11:57 p.m. CST

    “Hardly a spoiler…”

    by hulk_beanpoll

    “…since IMDB lists the fisheman in the cast list.”

    The fact that someone plays “the fisherman”, doesn’t automatically mean he’s the killer in this movie. It could hypothetically have been a flashback or something. But even if you assume that, the fact that its on IMDB doesnt make it less of a spoiler. It just makes it a spoiler on IMDB. Nice review Vern.

  • June 25, 2006, 12:26 a.m. CST

    I masturbated and watched baseball…

    by VanLingoMungo

    What did you do?

  • June 25, 2006, 1:46 a.m. CST

    by ‘Cholera’s Ghost

  • June 25, 2006, 1:55 a.m. CST

    The best part was when…..

    by b3mike

    I got to the part about the ghost hook. Wahahaaa that was cheesy…..

  • June 25, 2006, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Vern, you Rock!

    by Spice-Orange

    Funniest reviews ever come from you! One Question Though: why in the world would anyone want to see this movie if it doesn’t have JLH… or at least JLH’s Boobies in it? Are the boobies of the JLH-stand-in’s passable? that is to say, how do they rate as compared to other b-horror heroines? PS: Vern, please review the new gay SUPERMAN movie!!

  • June 25, 2006, 3:11 a.m. CST

    answers to all your questions

    by Vern

    1. There is a guy dressed up as a fisherman throughout the movie, as described above. The identity of the fisherman is not revealed until the end. It is not the fact that there IS a fisherman that is a surprise, it’s that it’s the SAME fisherman from before and not a new guy dressing up as him as you would naturally assume. 2. No, I did not exactly examine them but there were no boobies that particularly stood out in this picture. 3. I will probaly review Superman on my own sight but please lay off the gays, especially on their pride weekend.

  • June 25, 2006, 3:12 a.m. CST

    POTC3 script

    by IMofPOTC

    http://www.jacksparrow.jp/potc3/

  • June 25, 2006, 3:19 a.m. CST

    Best Review Ever…

    by Zorak5

    Or at least you deserve a medal for sitting through this movie and then writing about it. Way to take one for the team. You wrote a review that is probably infinitely more enjoyable and entertaining than the movie itself.

  • June 25, 2006, 3:27 a.m. CST

    Oh come on..

    by Giant Ape Balls

    the only reason anyone watched the first 2 was Jennifer Love Hewitts breasts. If it ain’t going to have those sweet,sweet titties in it, there can be no more franchise.

  • June 25, 2006, 3:39 a.m. CST

    Fucking Funny Review!

    by jodocus

    That’s the most hillarious review I have ever read! I’ve got to go and wash a huge sarcasm stain out of my underwear now. I can’t wait for “I don’t fucking give a shit what you did last summer” movie to come out!

  • June 25, 2006, 3:57 a.m. CST

    Great review I laughed out loud more than twice

    by andrew coleman

    Hell I might rent this for a good laugh…

  • June 25, 2006, 4:12 a.m. CST

    POTC 3 script link

    by Trader Groucho 2

    Real deal or hoax???

  • June 25, 2006, 4:44 a.m. CST

    Trader Groucho 2

    by b3mike

    Who cares?

  • June 25, 2006, 4:56 a.m. CST

    by Titus05

    they had to wait to make this sequel until the technology caught up lol…sort of like Lucas did with Star Wars….maybe now they’ll make Leprechaun 3 as well

  • June 25, 2006, 5:01 a.m. CST

    man I hate Avid farts…

    by Mr Brownstone

    what the fuck are they trying to prove. I watched the When A Stranger Calls remake the other day and there’s a bunch of ridiculous avid farts in the first few minutes, but then none for the rest of the movie. Which was a pleasant surprise… after those first few I thought it was gonna be wall to wall.

  • June 25, 2006, 5:22 a.m. CST

    A *space* LOT. Not ‘alot’. Ther’s no such word.

    by Mr Stonky

    Ooh, it does annoy me!

  • June 25, 2006, 5:47 a.m. CST

    Hilarious review, like al of Vern’s

    by Nandokin

    And the POTC3 script looks like it could be real, but every page from 52 is missing

    You don’t happen to have a script likn for the second one, do you?

  • June 25, 2006, 6:57 a.m. CST

    WELL DONE! FUNNIEST REVIEW HERE IN SOME TIME!

    by IAmMrMonkey

  • June 25, 2006, 7:34 a.m. CST

    potc 3 script

    by dr.bulber

    if its real jack def didnt have a spell check.

  • June 25, 2006, 8:06 a.m. CST

    “she gets a text message”

    by newc0253

    damn, that sounds like one of those orange ads they have in the UK to remind folk to switch off their mobiles, where the orange execs wreck movie pitches by suggesting that they use mobile phones in some dopey way. except this time, for real.

  • June 25, 2006, 8:32 a.m. CST

    Love Hewitt

    by CuervoJones

    that

  • June 25, 2006, 9:19 a.m. CST

    *Laughing my ass off*

    by performingmonkey

    This should be in theaters! You just KNOW that if they marketed it well it would make millions even in it’s current state of shitness!

  • June 25, 2006, 10:58 a.m. CST

    wow

    by teufelhunden

    this sounds hilariously bad. i may have to rent it just for a good laugh or two.

  • June 25, 2006, 11:31 a.m. CST

    The 2nd is pure trash, but I LOVE the 1st one.

    by MrFloppy

    It’s wayyyy underrated.

  • June 25, 2006, 2:33 p.m. CST

    That’s some funny stuff, Vern.

    by Rakafraker

    I’m with Zorak5. INFINITELY more entertaining that the movie itself. The TB is almost as good, too. I’m wiping the tears…

  • June 25, 2006, 3:08 p.m. CST

    I know what u did 9 summers ago and I still have issues

    by I Dunno

    They had text messaging in 1997.

  • June 25, 2006, 3:21 p.m. CST

    It smells like fish….

    by KabutoKoji

    The Fisherman vs Leprechaun vs Wishmaster. A trailer for that alone would be better than this new “I know what you did” movie. But not better than that Leprechaun vs Wishmaster trailer they have somewhere here on the site. That thing is the biggest piece of merde ever commited to celuloid. And more sequels to the fisherman-with-a-hook films? Um, I know what is going to suck next summer.

  • June 25, 2006, 5:55 p.m. CST

    AT SOME POINT

    by Mista Mann

    I’ll be waiting for “AT SOME POINT YOU’LL THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT YOU DID A FEW SUMMERS AGO, BUT IN FACT THAT WILL BE WHEN IT IS MOST VIVID IN MY MIND”

  • June 25, 2006, 6:50 p.m. CST

    The first one IS good…

    by DanielKurland

    But a zombie as the killer? Ridiculous. I still think it’s stupid that they refer to it as “last summer” when it’s been many years ago.

  • June 25, 2006, 7:17 p.m. CST

    So wasn’t the first clue

    by ByTor

    “Direct to video?” I mean…how many direct-to-video movies have there been that don’t suck?

    Still, top-notch review, Vern. And yeah, the “you see” paragraph just killed me.

  • June 25, 2006, 7:57 p.m. CST

    vern…thank you.

    by occula

    you never disappoint, even if the movies you review do. actually i don’t give a shit about any of ’em, i just want to read your reviews.

  • June 25, 2006, 8:05 p.m. CST

    How does one get impaled on a forklift?

    by IAmJack’sUserID

    I’ll have to think about seeing this (but not actually see it) just to get some insight. BTW…fuckin funny review! I loved it! Keep on trucking!

  • June 25, 2006, 8:25 p.m. CST

    Add this one to your next book, Vern. Grade A review!!

    by WacksOnWacksOff

    The ONLY reason why I visit AICN. Yes, THE ONLY reason! All the other times are just because I’m an internet whore, and have nothing better to do.

  • June 25, 2006, 10:06 p.m. CST

    god… you’re the best vern

    by smallerdemon

    I am glad the movie was made just so I could read this review.

  • June 25, 2006, 10:21 p.m. CST

    Dammit, you only gave me like 12 fucking warnings……

    by Thunder Mammoth

    and then you BLEW the ENDING for me! thanks a lot, man. —– very entertaining review, Vern. You’ve got a lot of guts for getting through that flick.

    but, i think i’ll save my money for the 2010 DTV of, “I Still Don’t Quite Remember What You Did the Summer Before the Last One, but It Must’ve Been Bad.”

  • June 25, 2006, 11:11 p.m. CST

    Small Demon…uh…

    by SaluteYourShorts

    Are you flirting with Vern? Wow. I, um…didn’t…I didn’t realize you were…ya know…a blatant homosexual.

  • June 26, 2006, 2:03 a.m. CST

    “I don’t know you but I know the potential of humanity”

    by Darth Bono Jr.

    Well played, Vern. Well played. No need to dump on a guy who might still come into his own. You’re a good man, buddy.

  • June 26, 2006, 2:13 a.m. CST

    JAYJEW, this is no place to boast about your hobbies!

    by Mike Nesmith

    You heard me, little kid.

  • June 26, 2006, 2:19 a.m. CST

    Don’t worry about JayJew

    by VanLingoMungo

    He’s just another little moron, soon to be banned for some outrageous anti-Semitic comment. He’s like Homewrecker (RIP), but with a lower IQ and a smaller penis. He too shall pass.

  • June 26, 2006, 4:34 a.m. CST

    oh you’re fucking kidding me

    by v1cious

    how embarassing

  • June 26, 2006, 7:17 a.m. CST

    I don’t know anymore…

    by musewatson

    good review Vern. “I knew” it would suck…the real hook is sitting on my mantle…and that is where it is gonna stay.

    Muse

  • June 26, 2006, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Great review as ever Vern. Now we have to…

    by brycemonkey

    remake the original! Notes on paper is old hat. Remake the original with txt mssgs!!

  • June 26, 2006, 8:29 a.m. CST

    Wait! I just thought of something…

    by brycemonkey

    How does the Fisherman Zombie have their cell phone numbers and how can he work a mobile phone? Surely he only knows how to gut people (and fish)…?

  • June 26, 2006, 9:31 a.m. CST

    Jennifer Love Hugeboobs…

    by supermonkey

    needs to be in ANY sequel.”I know what you did last Summer….. The Fish Whisperer.” JayJew is your sole purpose to piss people off? If so, kudos and a job well done. You’re an ass clown bro. Plain and Simple. But hey you enjoy jerkin’ off to Jennifer Love Hewitt back when she was on Party of 5. Just sayin’. Great review Vern. Ya may have made me pee a little.

  • June 26, 2006, 9:43 a.m. CST

    One more thing…

    by supermonkey

    DO NOT DEBATE ME ON THIS…for I can play the theme to Party of 5 on my sweet casio keyboard!!

  • June 26, 2006, 10:43 a.m. CST

    I’d have to go with Kareem for his sky hook.

    by FrankCobretti

    That puts it over the top, right there. Nice work, Vern!

  • June 26, 2006, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Instant Message

    by yippee_ki_yay

    I’m getting tired of this shit in movies where the bad guy sits around on the computer all day sending strange IM’s to everyone. I can do that shit at home.

  • June 26, 2006, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Was that the real Muse Watson?

    by Vern

    If so, you were a much scarier fisherman. Not just because you were alive but because you had a more intimidating look and, let’s face it, more panache with the hook. I don’t usually use the word panache, but I have to call it like I see it. Good job on those.

  • June 26, 2006, 12:16 p.m. CST

    I DON’T CARE

    by AZJim

    WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, BUT IF YOU KEEP EMAILING ME YOUR VACATION PHOTOS I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ONE BY ONE.

    Vern is the best.

    Muse Watson gave a very realistic performance as possibly the actual actor in his post here.

    Jayjew you are not the least bit clever or funny, barely excused by the fact that you are probably 14. Exclamation points don’t help.

  • June 26, 2006, 12:28 p.m. CST

    “I Could’ve Sworn You Did Something Last Summer”

    by Doctor_Sin

    A group of stoners forget that they escaped The Fisherman the previous summer and spend the current summer hiding out from jobs and school.

  • June 26, 2006, 1:17 p.m. CST

    Somehow it’s not until a little later that they notice

    by eighteenseconds

    “that P.J. never landed his awesome skateboard trick, and was impaled on a tractor.” …this sounds amazing enough in itself to be the sole reason i see this movie. oh, and the guy banging the pans.

  • June 26, 2006, 1:19 p.m. CST

    I don’t know anymore…

    by musewatson

    thank you. i practised so much with the hook that i could flip it three times in the air and catch it in a back hand swing..LOL..the producers wanted me to do it in the film…the director thought it was too much…LOL Love watched me take every leaf off of a bush one at a time with aim…LOL that scared her….

  • June 26, 2006, 1:29 p.m. CST

    So the zombie fisherman sent the text message?

    by Moa Kaka

    I guess he has an e-mail account too, and maybe carries an i-pod with him?

    That was a great review!

  • June 26, 2006, 2:10 p.m. CST

    “Impaled on a tractor”

    by Doctor_Sin

    This movie sounds full of impossible penetrations and ridiculous reamings and runnings-through. I want to see exactly how the SK8R gets impaled on a tractor. I must know.

  • June 26, 2006, 3:38 p.m. CST

    My horror would contain one and a half hours straight

    by durhay

    of fake scares. With accompanying fake-scare soundtrack. The actual killer wouldn’t appear until the sequel.

  • June 26, 2006, 3:38 p.m. CST

    left out “movie” after “horror” above

    by durhay

  • June 26, 2006, 10:13 p.m. CST

    that is probably the best review i have ever read

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    and it still didnt capture the absolute and utter brilliance of this film. this film is total “bestworst”. i saw it ages ago. and was laughing about it for months with my friends.

  • June 26, 2006, 10:14 p.m. CST

    VERN REVIEW HOLLOW MAN 2, AGAIN!

    by s0nicdeathmonkey

    heheehh

  • June 27, 2006, 10:33 a.m. CST

    Vern deserves to be legitimized by mainstream culture

    by John Dalmas

    He belongs in the Library of America’s big new anthology of American film criticism. Seriously.

  • June 28, 2006, 4:04 a.m. CST

    to John Dalmas

    by Vern

    I agree

  • Oct. 21, 2007, 8:10 a.m. CST

    by aint_it_cruel?

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Saturday, June 24th, 2006 at 10:14 pm and is filed under AICN, Horror, Mystery, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

4 Responses to “Vern will ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and you don’t want that revealed, do you?”

  1. This is the first review I’ve read of yours way back when it was posted on AICN. Everything in it is brilliant! The sword of doom reference, the bit about Kareem’s skyhook, and quite possibly THE BEST SPOILER TAG I have ever seen or has been written on the Internets. I could go on and on about this review, having read it more times than ever having seen the actual movie myself.

    You really went all out on this one vern. You’re just not like how you used to be, you’ve lost your touch. All this talk about nerds and owls, what the hell happened? Seriously dude, you were my hero.

  2. this review is classic Vern

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