I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

Urgent Breaking News! Vern Says SEE NO EVIL Is `Completely F#*king Awesome!!’

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

What could I possibly add to a review this good?

Boys–

This is kind of a weird question, but have you ever thought there should be a movie about a big bald retarded muscleman with extreme religious views running around an abandoned hotel banging people against walls and plucking their eyeballs out? If so, today’s your lucky day, and SEE NO EVIL is your movie.

The retarded muscleman is played by Kane, not the rapper Big Daddy Kane but apparently a famous wrestler of some kind, making his acting debut. According to the credits he is playing “Jacob Goodnight,” a name they unfortunately never say in the movie. Like the character, the movie is big, dumb, almost definitely using steroids, and also way more fun than you would think.

See No EvilSEE NO EVIL is the first film from the prestigious WWE Films. WWE is what we used to call WWF until they got sued by the World Wildlife Foundation. I guess people must’ve been donating money to Hulk Hogan thinking he was gonna use it to save the pandas, but it all went straight into his 24″ pythons. I was hoping the WWE Films logo would be accompanied by rockin guitars and clanging metal hammers, then it would explode and spray sparks and flames everywhere, and maybe some skulls and demonic goatheads. It turns out their film division is a little more high-minded than the wrestling division though, so it’s a simple logo with the sound of an orchestra tuning. I mean I’m talking 100% class. Then the last shot in the movie is a dog peeing into a dead man’s eye socket. By the way this review contains spoilers.

The victims/heroes of the movie are a bunch of tough talking twentysomething juvenile delinquents straight out of a NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET sequel, brought in to clean up a filthy abandoned hotel as part of their community service. They are accompanied by two surprisingly lenient correctional officers, one of them being a kind of cool stoic cop with an artificial arm. This guy is the most interesting character and, of course, the first to die. (At first it seems like they’re going for a funny twist where all the nice people die first and most horribly, and the assholes come out alive.)

The kids do almost no cleaning before they wander off to take part in various leisure activities:

1) Kicking back in unsanitary hotel rooms. They make themselves comfortable even though the walls are covered in filth and we keep seeing cutaway shots of squeaky rats crawlin around or roaches fuckin each other doggystyle.

2) Going up to the fire damaged penthouse to enjoy some of the ol’ illicit drugs and/or sex. It is hard to say what will happen to these characters.

3) wandering through secret tunnels to find a lost treasure one character read about on the internet

For our entertainment, these activities are all interrupted by Kane, who will suddenly stomp out with a huge ax or a long chain with a hook on the end. A big bald dude just doesn’t have the same iconic presence as a Jason or a Freddy, but he’s a pretty entertaining villain because he really knows how to manhandle somebody. He is constantly dragging people by the hair or lifting people up by the neck, sometimes throwing people long distances or banging them against a ceiling or that type of thing. But he’s bad at judging distances so his victims always get a limb or a head closed in the elevator doors, or he clumsily bangs em against a wall going through a doorway.

Sometimes he’s treated like a t-rex, you hear him stomping in the distance. Other times he makes an entrance like he probaly does in wrestling. Like when he’s behind a two way mirror and suddenly appears in a dramatic pose, silhouetted holding a giant ax.

Director Gregory Dark (WHITE BUNBUSTERS, NEW WAVE HOOKERS, DEEP INSIDE VANESSA DEL RIO, BLACK THROAT, BETWEEN THE CHEEKS… yeah right, like I gotta explain to YOU guys who Gregory Dark is) unfortunately slathers the movie in the obnoxious style some call “nu horror.” Constant avid farts, whooshy camera move sound effects, random bleeps and blurts and buzzes and vibrating cameras. There’s alot of Kane’s-eye-view shots where everything is shaky and blurry. Ironically, the guy who collects eyeballs apparently needs glasses. One pretty hilarious show offy camera move is when a guy gets scared and takes off running with a steadycam attached to his face. For a minute it’s like Spike Lee did a slasher movie.

Having one of the Dark Brothers (actually now days I guess he’s both of the Dark Brothers) direct the movie is fitting because there’s a theme about sexual repression. This Jacob Goodnight character has a corny backstory about how he was raised in a cage by a crazy Christian extra-super-fundamentalist mother who made him look at porn magazines and then punished him for it. A person with a more open upbringing would just go home and jerk off to a Dark Brothers movie but this poor bastard has to jerk off to a real girl locked in a cage.

So yeah, it’s the same “sexually repressed killer gets riled up by teenagers screwing and smoking pot” thing we’ve seen in HALLOWEEN, FRIDAY THE 13TH and SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies. But there’s a funny twist. This guy is so paranoid somebody might screw in his abandoned hotel that he has all the bedsprings hooked up to a system of strings and pulleys that rings a bell and tells him what room the fuckin is going on in. When it happens, he gets an outraged “What the fuck!?” look on his face. As if he never foresaw the possibility that these bells would ring some day. We have a code red.

As far as maniacs go he’s kind of a lovable oaf by the end, and Kane sometimes does a good job with the facial expressions (thankfully he barely talks). Other times he does wrestling style “make sure the guy in the back row can see it” acting. When he gets mad he puffs his cheeks out like a cartoon.

Although the characters, dialogue, story, camerawork, etc. are all incredibly fuckin stupid, there are a couple things in it that could be considered clever, including at least two really spectacular death scenes. I saw this at a free screening that was mostly empty. That’s something you don’t see too much, ’cause people would watch a documentary about picking boogers if you gave them a free hat and poster. But this small audience laughed throughout the movie and especially at Kane’s climactic, uh, smackdown. When I saw the ridiculous teaser trailer I thought this looked like a bad straight to video movie, but I was wrong. This is something you gotta see with an audience. Definitely the funniest and most consistently entertaining bad horror movie I’ve seen in a long god damn time.

I do have one complaint: there’s a scene where the bitchiest character gets force fed her cell phone. Unfortunately, we don’t get to hear the phone ring from inside her. It’s obvious, but it’s a wasted opportunity. It also would’ve been nice if the talk button got bumped inside her stomach and it cut to her friend on the other end saying, “Hello? Hello?”

That last shot I mentioned before, with the peeing dog, is a brilliant post-credits bonus shot. Except for some reason they got the idea that the type of people who would pay money to see a slasher movie starring a professional wrestler are not the same type of people who would stay and watch the credits. So they put it near the beginning of the credits, which kind of weakens the effect. Still, you gotta respect a horror movie that not only doesn’t show the killer come back to life at the end, but also shows his mutilated corpse being crudely defiled by animals. Like I said, 100% class.

That said, I swear on Jacob Goodnight’s piss-smelling grave that I would pay money to see him undead in a sequel.

I would like to congratulate WWE Films, the Dark Brothers, and everybody that goes to see this movie in the theater. That’s what this world needs more of: heroes.

thanks boys,
Vern

If I could applaud over the internet, Vern, I would. Reading a review after you’ve had a great time with a bad film is like seeing the movie in a S. Morgenstern “Best Parts” version. I’m going to be in Seattle twice in the next two weeks, as I’m driving up to Vancouver and driving back, and I’m hoping I have a chance to stop and finally meet Vern face-to-face. You’re an outlaw and a gentleman, sir.

“Moriarty” out.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/23379

http://youtu.be/NE3HfQfBIVg

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • May 19, 2006, 5:38 a.m. CST

    As always, great review Vern!

    by brokentusk

    I won’t be seeing the movie though :)

  • May 19, 2006, 5:53 a.m. CST

    I tried out for the role of the killer.

    by Kamala

    But didn’t get it because I was black and wear face paint. Racist crackers. Dark Brother my ass.

    I had to splash one of them with the “Air Kamala”. Seacrest, out……

  • May 19, 2006, 6:09 a.m. CST

    that spoiler remark made me giggle. a lot.

    by Holodigm

    definitely one of vern’s best.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:14 a.m. CST

    I wasn’t going to see this movie…

    by FatPaul

    …but now I guess I have to. The only question is whether I’m going to catch it tonight or early tomorrow. This is probably Vern’s best review since King Kong.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:20 a.m. CST

    Great review. AICN should puslish a “Best of Vern” book

    by Serious Black

    Thanks, Vern, for making me laugh as I start my day.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:25 a.m. CST

    Dude’s name is Glenn Jacobs

    by filker-tom

    aka Unabomb and Dr. Isaac Yankem.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:35 a.m. CST

    Nice one Vern. Saw Kane in the flesh recently and….

    by Big_Bubbaloola

    gotta say…he’s is one big ugly motherfucker!! I was staying at the same hotel in Nottingham UK as the WWE recently. He was scraping the not so low ceiling in the bar. But if ya think he’s chunky ya gotta see the Big Show up close…..the fucker’s got his own weather system and gravitational pull!!!!!

  • May 19, 2006, 6:52 a.m. CST

    I won’t spend $10 on this…

    by Roguewriter

    … but I’ll definitely save it on the Netflix list! Sounds like a great one for insomniac viewing — thanks for the chuckles, Vern!

  • May 19, 2006, 6:52 a.m. CST

    lmao Big Bubbaloola

    by Ridge

    My father used to look after Nathan whats his name, the Aussie ex wrestler who was in TROY, when he was an inmate at Bogga Road, I met Nathan a few times and that motherfuckers big too… must be the parents puttin the ‘roids in their milk at birth.

    Anyhow, excellent review, sounds like a terrible movie that I’ll thoroughly enjoy seeing in the cinema!!! :D

  • May 19, 2006, 7:03 a.m. CST

    NATHAN JONES!

    by RealDoubleJ

    The only man with unnaturally lactating nipples.I would see this film but it doesn’t look to be released outside the US. Mind you, that’s Vincent Kennedy McMhon for ya. Hire a porno director to make you a low-budget slasher, I don’t think he cares to so’rt out the internaional rights when you’re too busy beating up a spotlight repreenting GOD (pronounced “GAWD”)

  • May 19, 2006, 7:16 a.m. CST

    It’s Too Soon!

    by kevinwillis.net

    Actually, maybe someone should give Harry’s job to Vern. His reviews are, like, ten times better. Two thumbs way up!

  • May 19, 2006, 7:24 a.m. CST

    vern you a geeeenius

    by William Cutting

    funniest review ive read in a long time!

  • May 19, 2006, 7:24 a.m. CST

    May 19th

    by Virtual Satyr

    Don’t sya it around Kane. In fact, Kane takes on Rey Mysterio tonight on Smackdown! Who is taunting Kane with the voices saying May 18th? Could it be his father Paul Bearer? Or his brother the Undertaker? Or could it be the thought-to-be deceased Katie Vick, back for revenge?

  • May 19, 2006, 7:33 a.m. CST

    Vern does great reviews, but

    by chrth

    He’s still the poor man’s Neil Cumpston.

  • May 19, 2006, 7:51 a.m. CST

    That was great!

    by Atomik Steve

  • May 19, 2006, 7:52 a.m. CST


    by Atomik Steve

    Best review I’ve read in a long time. I definitely want to see this now.

  • May 19, 2006, 8:16 a.m. CST

    Fuck it, I’ll see it tomorrow at the bootleg 5 dollar..

    by Mr. Profit

    theater around my way. Lt looks like a really bad but good movie. And it HAS to be better than that 90 minute Geico commercial (When A Stranger Calls) that I was forced to sit through when my little cousin needed a chaperone.

  • May 19, 2006, 8:20 a.m. CST

    raised in a cage, mom made him look at porn magazines

    by Jewish_Batman

    Thats what I call a back story to a bad, entertaining psycho. Great review Vern. And did anyone else laugh out loud when they read about the bedspring-pulley system? Heeeeeelarious.

  • May 19, 2006, 8:23 a.m. CST

    DVD

    by dudeman

    Wasn’t this supposed to be the first movie to be released both in the theaters and on DVD on the same day?

  • May 19, 2006, 8:35 a.m. CST

    Vern makes crap sound like gold

    by Doctor_Sin

    Does he work for the WB PR dept?

  • May 19, 2006, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Vern is a funny person

    by CrimsonGhost

    I am sure that this movie is not half as entertaining as Vern’s review of it. Well done, sir, you have started my day “on the good foot” (as JB would say)

  • May 19, 2006, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Kane is a cool dude

    by Terry_1978

    He knows what he does is acting, and I don’t think he ever takes himself all that seriously, and apparantly he had fun with this movie. I may give it a glance.

  • May 19, 2006, 8:43 a.m. CST

    Vern, all gold, no filler.

    by brycemonkey

    I like your reviews best on this site. Can’t wait for your Da Vinci, SR, and X3 reviews…

  • May 19, 2006, 8:44 a.m. CST

    Vern-Arguably the Most Sarcastic Person That Isn’t Me

    by DannyOcean01

    Love it…

  • May 19, 2006, 8:49 a.m. CST

    This movie…

    by WeirdEd

    …sounds like a far better religious thriller than THE DA VINCI CODE, for some reason.

  • May 19, 2006, 8:51 a.m. CST

    Funny review

    by Cotton McKnight

    Funniest thing I have read ’round these parts in a long time.

  • May 19, 2006, 8:57 a.m. CST

    Peter Jackson/Brass Rubbings & Big Swords.See Hot Fuzz.

    by Jugs

    ..video blog number 8

  • May 19, 2006, 10:14 a.m. CST

    PLANT!

    by INWOsuxRED

    I have no intention of ever seeing this, but this is one of the best film reveiws I’ve ever read in my life.

  • May 19, 2006, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Shoulda stuck with the original title: “Eye Scream Man”

    by themikejonas

    No shit.

  • May 19, 2006, 10:31 a.m. CST

    “Mutilated corpse being crudely defiled by animals…”

    by ScarranHalfBreed

    Nothing can unite hate-filled AICN geeks like a Vern review. Even a Vern review of a movie that none of us will ever want to see. Ever.

  • May 19, 2006, 10:36 a.m. CST

    By the way this review contains spoilers.

    by DeadPanWalking

    First time I’ve ever laughed while reading an AICN article. Nice work!

  • May 19, 2006, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Kane is cool

    by Toby___Wong

    I hope this movie makes some good money. Kane deserves it. Can’t wait to see it.

  • May 19, 2006, 12:01 p.m. CST

    Serious Black: There is indeed such a book.

    by FatPaul

    I don’t know, maybe you were kidding about not knowing that there’s a book out there called Five On The Outside: Vern’s Writings on the films of Cinema. In case you weren’t, you can order a copy by following the first link in Vern’s sign-off (http://www.geocities.com/OUTLAWVERN/) and clicking on the book ad near the top of the page. I was going to tell you to just follow the second link in Vern’s sign-off, but it doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

  • May 19, 2006, 12:03 p.m. CST

    I will see this over the Davinci Code

    by andrew coleman

    Great review. I hope the pully system thing is as funny as it seems in this review.

  • May 19, 2006, 12:15 p.m. CST

    Kane was also Diesel!

    by Shermdawg

    The fake Diesel that is, after Nash jumped to WCW.

  • May 19, 2006, 12:26 p.m. CST

    A REAL SPOILER for this movie would be 2 make me see it

    by stlfilmwire

    Big wrestler with DATED decorative contacts? No thanks.

  • May 19, 2006, 12:31 p.m. CST

    *coughS.cough*

    by Doc Savant

    Hey Mori, I’m sure a simple edit will address this point. You KNOW it’s S. Morgenstern, not J. That is all.

  • May 19, 2006, 12:33 p.m. CST

    The fricking website – I’m watching this flick

    by Doctor_Sin

    http://www.seenoevilthemovie.com/

  • May 19, 2006, 12:45 p.m. CST

    thanks everybody

    by Vern

    It’s nice when people like the review and don’t call me a retard. And if I had thought of Spectrebeeyatch’s angle of calling it a “religious thriller” and comparing it to The Vinci Code, I woulda done it. Good one, Spectrebeeyatch. In case anyone is wondering, I gave away alot of the funniest parts but I did leave some out so as not to entirely ruin your viewing experience. Also, the link should be www.lulu.com/outlawvern, but I guess I fucked up. And finally, at the risk of ruining the warm and accepting atmosphere, I just want to say – please don’t give me this Neil Cumpston is better than me shit anymore. I’ve been reviewing longer than that little dude and my reviews are sincere and attempt to have insight into the movies, his are just about mentioning boners and semen a hundred times and making fun of nerds who like comic strips. If you are wondering if what I’m saying is that I’m challenging him to a reviewing duel, the answer is yes. But he is probaly too busy making sarcastic comments about Pac-Man Fever or some shit like that on VH1. Anyway thanks again.

  • May 19, 2006, 1:05 p.m. CST

    Who the hell is Neil Cumpston??

    by ScarranHalfBreed

    Sounds like a right twat.

  • May 19, 2006, 1:08 p.m. CST

    Agreed, I’ve never heard of him. I know of Vern though

    by brycemonkey

    And he rocks!

  • May 19, 2006, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Neill Cumpston is…

    by GenericGeek

    …Patton Oswalt, allegedly. Once every year or two he writes reviews for AICN (mostly huge geek films). He writes stuff good, but I like Vern’s reviews better. And, to save you time, here’s Cumpston’s best line ever: “Spider-Man 2 is God’s greatest gift to nerds since masturbation”. I’m paraphrasing, but the line is undeniably brilliant.

  • May 19, 2006, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Ta for the info.

    by brycemonkey

    I’ll keep an eye out…

  • May 19, 2006, 2:34 p.m. CST

    Seattle?

    by Traumnovelle

    I live in Seattle too. Is Vern a columnist or something? Or just some regular schlub. They’re playing TRON at the Egyptian tonight and tomorrow, Vern. Go see that shit.

  • May 19, 2006, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Vern’s the man.

    by Killah_Mate

    But I must say Cumpston has his charms (that sounds really disgusting, somehow… :)

  • May 19, 2006, 2:42 p.m. CST

    No

    by Reelheed

    I wont believe a word of it. nope. Clearly vern was out of his skull at the time of viewing. Despite certain metal bands assurances that people=shit I can tell you as proven fact that, in fact, shit=shit and that this film whiffs of it from a clear 100 yds distance.

  • May 19, 2006, 2:49 p.m. CST

    YES!

    by DukeDeMondo

    Vern, this is your best in some time. I know you’ll respect the ol’ truth an all that, for a time there i thought maybe, well, pains me to say it, but i thought you were watchin the wrong typesa flicks. This is just beautiful. The line about Hulk Hogan an the panda’s had me cummin beetroot out my eye-holes. marvellous.

    www.mondoirlando.com

  • May 19, 2006, 4:04 p.m. CST

    ‘Nu-Horror’

    by Cash Bailey

    Brilliant.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:01 p.m. CST

    Excellent review..

    by Winkleboy

    One of the best i’ve seen on the site in a long time. Very funny.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:33 p.m. CST

    I preferred Vern…

    by Alonzo Mosely

    When he was an underground secret/guilty pleasure rather than the million-selling hack of a sell-out he is now… By the way I was being post-postmodern pseudo-ironic with a sarcastic undertone. I’ve also seen ever one of the Children of the Corn movies. I’d also buy Vern a beer, but I would expect the bitch to put out in terms of bad movie conversation.

  • May 19, 2006, 6:40 p.m. CST

    neil cumpston is a bore

    by eraser_x

    all pose; no substance; no originality; every review reads the same; only three or four literary devices repeated ad nauseum. Even his three or four devices seem ripped off from Vern, but Vern can use them better and only in small, relevant doses. To compare Cumpston to Vern is like comparing Andrew Dice Clay to Marlon Brando because they both have worn leather jackets.

  • May 19, 2006, 7:28 p.m. CST

    add another notch to the list..

    by white owl

    of times I’ve had something come outta my nose whenever I read an aicn review. When I read that remark about Hogan’s 24″ pythons I soon bore a green koolaid mustachio. Funny shit, man, and props to ya. I”m referring this review to my “joe public” uncle who apparently is dying to see this movie with all seriousness. Then we can go see this (because I’d rather give my money to the wwe than ron howard) and laugh at it’s badness. Vern you should give a crack at reviewing X3.. I swear that’s gold for the mining, man! Again, great review.

  • May 19, 2006, 7:30 p.m. CST

    oh yeah someone link me to that King Kong review of his

    by white owl

    because I’m up for a few more good laughs and I’m fairly positive that’s what I’d be up for.. rather than Harry’s spooging offer. XD

  • May 19, 2006, 8:31 p.m. CST

    White Owl

    by Alonzo Mosely

    http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=22016

  • May 19, 2006, 9:21 p.m. CST

    oh geez

    by Vern

    White Owl’s gonna be disappointed when he reads that one.

  • May 19, 2006, 10:25 p.m. CST

    Roaches fuckin each other doggystyle….

    by sundancekeed

    That one line was worth the entire review, but the review itself is solid gold! Vern, I salute you, mi’ compadre!

  • May 19, 2006, 10:34 p.m. CST

    Just saw this…..

    by dancinggopher01

    and I think I saw a completely different movie than this pud. It sucked. The end.

  • May 19, 2006, 11:26 p.m. CST

    To Dancing Gopher #1

    by Vern

    Please explain. The End. OR IS IT?

  • May 20, 2006, 12:36 a.m. CST

    Throw the Gauntlet down!!!!

    by proper

    Reviewing battle.Just bring it!!!.Just in time for the World Cup.http://tinyurl.com/ow275.Go toe to toe on Superman.If you were being sarcastic,sorry for hyping it up :).Nathan Jones,The Collosus Of Bogga Road.Good concept crap wrestler.http://tinyurl.com/oahb8.

  • May 20, 2006, 12:37 a.m. CST

    Wow. I really liked this review. OR DID I???

    by ‘Cholera’s Ghost

    No, I did. By the way I’m gonna have a code red later on tonight, if ya knowwhaddIymsayin’.

  • May 20, 2006, 12:44 a.m. CST

    WHAT???

    by ScarranHalfBreed

    “Spider-Man 2 is God’s greatest gift to nerds since masturbation” is a funny line? It’s something a ten year old could write. This Cumpston fella sounds like a GENIUS. Maybe its an American thing.

  • May 20, 2006, 1:39 a.m. CST

    dude, scarran

    by white owl

    its not an American thing.. its a bad writing THING. thats a stupid thing to say, man.

  • May 20, 2006, 1:59 a.m. CST

    Moriarty – plans to meet up with Vancouver AICNers?

    by GreatWhiteNoise

    Unfortunately was out of town the last time you swung through, so missed your invitation to the locals to meet and chat. Any plans for a repeat engagement? If so, would be interested to tip a glass and chat. Your public demands it! Cheers.

  • May 20, 2006, 3:50 a.m. CST

    SERIOUSLY GUYS GO SEE THIS TONIGHT!!!!

    by MentallyMariah

    More Entertaining then The Da Vinci Snore zzzzzzzzzzz…this was the most fun I had in a theatre with the whole crowd screaming, hollering, laughing, gagging and make sure you bring some cocktails or beer, everytime Kane plucks a eyeball out, take a swig!! tHE dEATH SCENES WERE SPETACULAR, THIS WAS BLOODY GORY AND YOU WILL GET TO SEE THE TRAILER for the descent, which rocks!! Yeah go see this one guys, you won’t be dissapointed! I loved it!

  • May 20, 2006, 5:08 a.m. CST

    sweet

    by rebel299

    i don’t think i’ve ever seen a reviewer call out another reviewer in a talkback before. fuck yeah!! i love vern’s reviews. like that one movie, i think it was that wes craven film from a few years back that sat on the shelves for a few millenium. thats the power of vern. i can’t remember the shitty movie, but i remember vern talking about scott baio. preach on vern!!

  • May 20, 2006, 5:31 a.m. CST

    Put This One In The Next Book, Vern!

    by buster00

    Definitely “best of” material! And yeah, why aren’t people all pissed off at this movie like they are at “Da Vinci Code”? I can’t get a decent answer from anyone on that. Maybe Jesus likes wrestling.

  • May 20, 2006, 7:56 a.m. CST

    Don’t let’s turn this into a Neil bashing session.

    by FluffyUnbound

    Are we actually going to take franchise competition and apply it to AICN reviewers? Come on, people. They’re both good. Vern is more elegant about it, but Neil is good too. Some of his reviews are volcanoes of humor. You don’t expect a volcano to be subtle, do you? And you can’t hear individual repeated lines repeated and “get” a Vern or Neil review. You have to read the whole thing directly. I’ve tried to explain the Neil review where he talks about a scene being as much fun as an out-of-control chicken truck crashing into a burning building, and it just doesn’t travel.

  • May 20, 2006, 8:04 a.m. CST

    Another piss-funny review from Vern…

    by raw_bean

    ..plus a cool little Princess Bride reference from Mori. Me = happy. :^)

  • May 20, 2006, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Is it just me or did Vern NOT say:

    by Novaman5000

    “completely fucking awesome!!” anywhere in this review? (I even used Ctrl F!)

  • May 20, 2006, 11:47 a.m. CST

    Tonight…you’ll be seeing a movie with…KANE!!!!!

    by Voice O. Reason

    Oh, how I miss Eric Bischoff.

  • May 20, 2006, 3:05 p.m. CST

    Moviemack

    by proper

    Your string out theory on the comics Tb is sound.It’s not that Vince can’t pay,it’s that he won’t pay.I’d like to see a Vince Macmahon film starring as Himself.http://tinyurl.com/sx28x.Kane beat up the world champ yesterday,mind you who can’t nowadays,poor Rey,if he loses Sunday,the only way is down :(.

  • May 20, 2006, 5:38 p.m. CST

    You’ve hit on the problem with Rotten Tomatoes – Moviem

    by alpha

    Their system just – well it sucks. They use a very dubious base of critics and use either a + or minus not the degrees each critic likes or hates the film. Read the actual reviews on RT and you’ll see a few aren’t really negative. Metacritic is more reliable. It still says it sucks but the 6 reviewers used are more reliably mainstream (it ranks from a 40% from the Variety guy down to 0 from the New York Post critic)

  • May 20, 2006, 10:16 p.m. CST

    Helluva Lot better than

    by JoJoe316

    The Rock’s first feature, that’s for damn sure. I can’t believe the amount of fun I had with this movie. I mean, seriously, you go in knowing it’s probably gonna suck, but damn, I enjoyed the hell out of it. Gonna get it on DVD for sure. I’d take this over any of that ‘Scream’ crap hollywood continuously puts out anyday!

  • May 20, 2006, 10:19 p.m. CST

    Vern is funny.

    by OurManInMontr

    He writes words that make us laugh.

  • May 20, 2006, 10:53 p.m. CST

    to Novaman

    by Vern

    I actually did write something like “Urgent: SEE NO EVIL is completely fuckin awesome” as the subject line when I sent the review to Moriarty. I didn’t actually expect that to be the title and as you might suspect I was exaggerating a little there, but he was not lying. I did write that. Also, I didn’t mean to turn it into a Neil Cumpston bashing session, I just got defensive because some guy brings up Cumpston in my talkbacks all the time. I’m sure Tupac felt the same way when people kept bringing up C+C Music Factory in his talkbacks.

  • May 21, 2006, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Does Kane ever suplex or Chokeslam anyone in the movie?

    by Doc_Strange

    Any movie that uses wrestling holds that are totally fake are really lame. Except for Rocky 3 with Rocky and Thunderlips, the leg drop and suplex in slo-mo looked like they hurt.

  • May 21, 2006, 4:11 a.m. CST

    More Vern, Less Moriarty.

    by heywood jablomie

    Harry, give this guy an actual job.

  • May 21, 2006, 8:03 a.m. CST

    My apologies to Vern and Neil for bringing the latter

    by chrth

    up and turning this into a Vern v Neil/Neil-bashing tb. But forget SM2, go read the dual Passion of the Christ/Dawn(or was it Day, well, it was one of those) of the Dead review. Funniest damn thing this site every produced. And no, I’m not going to link it, do your own work.

  • May 21, 2006, 12:09 p.m. CST

    c+c music factory RAWKED!!

    by white owl

    tupac doesn’t hold a thread to that dancing white boy who sound all dubbed when he raps in that on video they ever made. i kid. funny, though, vern.

  • May 21, 2006, 12:39 p.m. CST

    no problem bud

    by Vern

    Thanks for the apology. Sorry I behaved rashly. Some day all critics will get along but until then I’m not givin Michael Medved the time of day.

  • May 21, 2006, 2:08 p.m. CST

    Ironically, the guy who collects eyeballs apparently..”

    by beamish13

    “needs glasses”. LOL. Great review.

  • Dec. 27, 2006, 9:03 p.m. CST

    Too soon!

    by JackPumpkinhead

    I spoke too soon!

  • Feb. 18, 2007, 3:32 a.m. CST

    I’m thinkin’…

    by ViolentN8

    The original talkback got erased when the switchover occurred.

    Vern is the crusader of the common moviegoer. I applaud his ability to sway my viewing habits. I would never have rented this if not for this review. A piece of crap this may be but at least it’s an original piece of crap, unlike all the remakes being PG-13 churned out like Amityville, TCM, and countless others.

    The only dissent I have is that the cop who shot Jacob was not the first to die in the motel, his female counterpart was. I am a stickler for continuity errors.

    God bless Vern.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 19th, 2006 at 5:19 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply





XHTML: You can use: <a href="" title=""> <img src=""> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <b> <i> <strike> <em> <strong>