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Vern’s Seen ABOMINABLE! And So Has Everyone Else Online, It Seems!!

SPOILER ALERT !!

Hi, everyone. “Moriarty” here with some Rumblings From The Lab…

I had a chance to see the film myself this week, and I thought it was low-key fun. I think it makes a lot of first-time-filmmaker mistakes (Ryan Schifrin never met a close-up he didn’t like, for example), but every time the film strikes a false note, it also manages to do something very right. In the end, I don’t want to act like a Grinch when we’re talking about a Bigfoot movie, and I’m willing to bet this is a great movie to see with a group of friends. I saw it alone, and this one almost demands group participation. But enough about my reaction… here’s the one and only Vern, who will be back a little later this morning with another review, as well:

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet,

The other day Harry recommended this tiny little bigfoot movie called ABOMINABLE, directed by the son of legendary film composer Lalo Schifrin. Alot of people probaly thought Harry was full of shit since they’ve never heard of this movie and it’s not playing anywhere except one screen of one theater in Seattle and, according to legend, at Harry’s house. I mean if such a movie really exists, how the hell has it gone on so long without once being spotted by a credible witness? Why is it always some crazy redhead in a Tigger costume from Texas?

AbominableWell I don’t know if this helps, but I saw ABOMINABLE too. I swear it. It was playing in Seattle, not sure if it’s continuing into the next week but it will be playing in L.A. next. I guess we got it here in Seattle because the Pacific Northwest is the natural habitat of the North American sasquatch. If you’ve lived in the Northwest before you know how it is. Everybody knows somebody that that knows somebody that says they knew sasquatch. Everybody says they have some aunt who was in a car pool with him or who remembers a guy in a cast asking for help at Lake Washington or something. Actually come to think of it I might be confusing sasquatch with Ted Bundy. But the point is, we get ABOMINABLE first for some reason.

Of course, the title does bring up an obvious question. Why would you come into Bigfoot Territory to show a movie about an Abominable Snowman? You think we don’t got local pride? And more to the point, is the movie about an abominable snowman or is it about a bigfoot? We are clearly dealing with a brownish woodland creature, like a sasquatch. “The Abominable Snowman” or Yeti is a type of dude, possibly with white fur to camouflage him in the snow, who hangs out in the mountains in Tibet or on the Matterhorn in Disneyland or somewhere. So it seems like a pretty big scientific error on the part of the movie to be calling this guy abominable. But then a bigfoot expert on TV says that “The Flatwoods Monster” could not be a bigfoot because it’s bigger and more vicious, more like a Yeti. And sure enough, when we start to get good looks at the monster’s face later in the movie it clearly has the face of a Yeti.

Now this issue is not addressed in the movie at all but I would like to raise the possibility that perhaps this particular wood dwelling individual is of a mixed heritage. I mean obviously immigration is a pretty big topic here in the US right now, it is worth considering that a Yeti could come to our big beautiful melting pot and settle down with a nice sasquatch in some woods somewhere. And they could make some babies and maybe one of them would be kind of a dick who keeps going to the cabins and kidnapping girls or biting a dude’s head off or something. Because he wasn’t raised right. But regardless of that, he happens to have brown fur and a Yeti face and live in some woods in the US somewhere, not in the mountains of Asia. I think this is a possibility.

And it’s going to become more and more common, in my opinion. Alot of these Yetis, they’re gonna start noticing the way global warming is affecting their homes and they’re gonna want to do something about it. And maybe some of them will go to the Shaolin temple or whatever temple is on their mountain, and they’re gonna train and then they’re gonna go find deadly ground in the countries where the pollution is happening, some oil refinery or smoggy factory somewhere, and they’re gonna show ’em some Himalayan justice. And then afterwards some of them will probaly try to assimilate into human society while others will do what the ABOMINABLE monster’s parents did, they will meet somebody in the woods. I guess it could’ve been a Vietnam War or Screamin’ Jay Hawkins kind of thing, this Yeti got some poor sasquatch chick pregnant and took off, and the lack of a father figure is what screwed this guy up so bad that he uses the cabins as his own personal cookie jar.

So even the title alone gives you alot to think about. I also gotta point out that it takes balls to call a movie, especially a low budget movie like this, ABOMINABLE. Hack critics are, by definition, lazy unimaginative dickheads, and they love a movie that has the review written right there in the title. That’s why you don’t see movies with titles like HORRIBLE or THE UNWATCHABLE or A PIECE OF SHIT. It’s asking for it. But this guy said fuck it, I’m calling my movie ABOMINABLE. What? Come get me, Gene Shalit, you mustachioed motherfucker. I fucking dare you.

By the way ABOMINABLE is the story of a guy returning to his cabin home for the first time 6 months after a mountain climbing accident killed his wife and paralyzed him. His asshole male nurse carries him up the stairs because the joint is not wheelchair accessible. So he’s basically stuck in this place.

A couple things have changed since he’s been gone. Number one, whoever used to rent the place next door has given it to 5 young girls hanging out together before one of them gets married. Number two, a sasquatch or yeti type of dude has moved into a nearby cave. This is 2006, obviously there is not a problem with a sasquatch living in the neighborhood. I got nothing against sasquatches and yetis. But this particular one is a real asshole. He likes to reach into windows and grab people, bite their throats or tear their guts or that type of shit. Things that good neighbors just don’t do. It really doesn’t matter that he’s a yeti or sasquatch, if he was a human I don’t think any of us would condone this type of behavior either.

So the story unfolds in a REAR WINDOW type manner with this guy played by Matt McCoy (LITTLE BIGFOOT) helplessly watching from the deck as one girl gets snatched, then trying to contact the neighbors and the police despite phone troubles, an uncooperative nurse and the girls thinking he’s a pervert.

I enjoyed this movie on exactly the level you want to enjoy a bigfoot movie on. If you’re expecting me to say this somehow transcends the genre, like it’s the ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST of bigfoot pictures, well okay, I’ll say it. But I won’t mean it. If you are not the type of person who enjoys watching a dude in a monster suit grab people, you should probaly go do something else. But if that’s your bag then I am here to tell you that this is worth your time. It doesn’t deserve to be exiled to the Sci-Fi Channel where it will never be watched again. Believe me, I’ve tried to watch some of these straight to video sasquatch pictures, but I haven’t been able to get even halfway through them, they’re boring as shit. This is different.

It’s also not a hipster movie at all. Except for one unfortunate part where a character says “Eat this, ass monkey!” like he’s supposed to be Ash or somebody, there’s none of those telltale signs of the young movie buff trying to make a cult movie. Other than that little part it seems very straight forward and sincere. Also, the monster makes me laugh but in a very old fashioned way. They don’t give him some kind of demonic face to try to make him look more vicious, he just looks like those old drawings of the Yetis. I liked the monster alot more than I expected to.

Somebody asked me if the monster was all CGI, and I said I don’t know if there’s any CGI in this movie at all. I didn’t even think about it while I was watching it, but that’s one example of how traditional this is. It’s a dude in a suit with a big goofy yeti face. If it wasn’t for the cell phones and the modern fonts on the credits, it could pass for a little known gem from the late ’80s or so.

And one major bonus is that writer/director Ryan Schifrin got his dad to do the score. That’s a good idea when your dad is the guy who did the MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE theme. And BULLIT. And DIRTY HARRY. And most importantly if you ask me, ENTER THE DRAGON. That’s a fuckin theme song right there. ABOMINABLE’s not as funky but it’s real good and it definitely sounds like Lalo. And that goes a long way toward turning this thing into a Real Movie. If it had some shitty Full Moon Video type keyboard score it might not pass as easily for a legitimate movie. This definitely adds a big dose of class to the proceedings.

Although it is what’s popular right now, there is not a scene where the monster ties somebody up and tortures them, and there are no references to American Idol. This is a traditional monster movie where at first you don’t see anything, you just hear it or maybe you see a glimpse of it running by or you see the victims from the monster’s point of view. And then as the story continues you get a look at his glowing red eyes, and then later you see him standing there and eventually you see him very clearly and it’s a good old fashioned goofy looking monster dude. One complaint, it could’ve been bigger. At one point I think they say he’s 12 feet tall, but most of the time he looks closer to 7.

But just because he’s not 12′ doesn’t mean it’s not a movie the people should see. What’s the deal with the “release” of this movie? I guess since it’s low budget and it’s about a yetisquatch and it has no stars in it, they figure nobody wants to see it. The biggest stars are Lance (SASQUATCH) Henriksen, who has a great little guest appearance in the middle and a hilarious scream when he dies, Jeffrey (hard to believe this is his first sasquatch movie) Combs who’s in one more scene than Lance (and I almost didn’t recognize him), and Dee Wallace Stone who’s in one very short scene. Also the sheriff is Paul Gleason, aka Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson from DIE HARD. But most of the movie rests on Matt McCoy (some guy who looks a little like Norman Bates) and to a lesser extent on one of the young neighbor girls, Haley Joel (no relation). McCoy especially does a great job, he is actually pretty believable. That’s important because amateur acting in the lead could’ve killed a movie like this.

It’s not surprising that this type of movie doesn’t make it in today’s theatrical marketplace, but it’s too bad. There used to be a day when all kinds of movies like this could be seen at drive-in double features and what not. It’s not gonna change anybody’s life, but neither is SOUL SURVIVORS and that was released in real theaters. You get so much more value out of this than a large percentage of the studio horror crap that costs so much more money and is so much more widely seen but does not have a part where a yeti is running around with an ax in his back.

Making it even sadder, they apparently didn’t even make a print of this movie, because it’s showing on one of those godforsaken digital projectors. The idea behind these horrible things is that even though they ruin movies by looking all muddy and randomly exploding the image into horizontal lines, and even though they make baby jesus cry, they are the future because they will make it more affordable for low budget movies like this to be distributed. Well, if it was playing in more than one theater that might seem like a better argument. These guys like Mark Cuban and whoever the other billionaire computer visionaries are, if they really believe the hype they need to fucking prove it. First they gotta live up to their promise by releasing alot more small movies and releasing them wider. And secondly they have to fulfill their duty, as the assholes who are pushing this bullshit on the world, to improve the technology so it doesn’t look so shitty. Five or six years ago people were saying digital projection looked WAY BETTER than film, and they wondered why it wasn’t catching on faster. Now it’s only slightly caught on because whenever they show it, people notice that it doesn’t look that hot. It’s like they started selling airplanes before they figure out how to make them fly.

Anyway, digital or not, some studio should call this MURDERBALL 2 and put it in a wider release. This time, things get hairy. I think it could work. And I really want to see some sequels.

Anyway, I don’t mean to hype it up too much, because it’s not THE GODFATHER or THEY LIVE we’re talking here. But I did think it was a fun movie so I want to throw my tremendous credibility and stature as a “noted internet film critic” (source: wikipedia) behind Harry’s endorsement of this picture. For those of us who enjoy this sort of crap, it lives up to the opposite of the title.

thanks

–Vern

I agree with him pretty much across the board, particularly on the suit. It’s a design that grows on you the better look you get, and by the end of the film, I liked it a lot. It’s a pretty groovy Bigfoot, and what this film does well, you’ll enjoy if you are in the right mood. I especially laughed out loud at the audacity of the last shot, a sinister riff on the ending of William Dear’s lovely HARRY & THE HENDERSONS.

Thanks, Vern. Nicely wrote.

“Moriarty” out.

Originally posted at Ain’t-It-Cool-News: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/23082

View the archived Ain’t-It-Cool-News Talkback

  • April 21, 2006, 6:57 a.m. CST

    I have nothing to say about this

    by Thumper2k1

  • April 21, 2006, 7:44 a.m. CST

    I will watch this

    by ivehadsex

    sounds awesome to me

  • April 21, 2006, 7:45 a.m. CST

    What about “Bigfoot on a Plane”

    by Drunken Rage

    I’d see that, by golly.

  • April 21, 2006, 7:57 a.m. CST

    Vern bangs it out

    by CrimsonGhost

    Vern’s opinion carries a lot of weight with me, the man is the Robin Hood of DTV. Well written as always, Vern you da mack

  • April 21, 2006, 7:59 a.m. CST

    “Because he wasn’t raised right”

    by Uncooked_Meat

    Nice one. Good review, Vern. This looks like classic B-movie stuff, but in a good way. It sucks that it’s gonna get relegated to the Sci-Fi Channel, but I’ll try to catch it.

  • April 21, 2006, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I’ll watch it.

    by brycemonkey

    Good review Vern and I believe you a hell of a lot more than Harry. Sounds like a pretty decent flick. When will those Yetis learn to increase the peace?!?

  • April 21, 2006, 8:51 a.m. CST

    Apparently they found a baby Bigfoot in Malaysia

    by Bean_

    Anyone else hear about this?

  • April 21, 2006, 9:08 a.m. CST

    It really doesn’t matter that he’s a yeti or sasquatch,

    by SpikeTBB

    I hope the movie is as entertaining as this review. I laughed out loud more than once.

  • April 21, 2006, 9:15 a.m. CST

    so Steven Segal as “The Squatch”?

    by HypeEndsHere

  • April 21, 2006, 9:18 a.m. CST

    If I’m not mistaken

    by Purgatori

    McCoy was the guy who got to rub oil all over Troi in Next Gen in an episode. It shames me I know that.

    But he’s a decent actor that’s been regulated to Direct To DVD hell. Sort of like Combs, which is a damn shame.

  • April 21, 2006, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Yeah Bean, I heard about it.

    by oceansized

    They also found Nessie in Zimbabwe and a Chupacabra in Helsinky. Seriously though dude, I doubt that story would fly under the radar.

  • April 21, 2006, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Saw it on Sci-Fi last year, it was CRAP.

    by Shermdawg

    Yes, it was on Sci-Fi, not unless Lance was in another bigfoot flick, this i the one.

  • April 21, 2006, 11:08 a.m. CST

    Easy Shermdawg

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Lance was in another Bigfoot flick on Sci-Fi. I believe it was called “Sasquatch”. And yes, I actually tried to make it through the final act but there were so many random, pointless cuts I had to change the channel.

  • April 21, 2006, 11:11 a.m. CST

    The “Baby Bigfoot Story”

    by Mr Nice Gaius

    Has already been denied by the Malaysian government. Apparently, there was a flurry of sightings over there which has (coincidentally enough) increased tourism revenue. This “story” appears to be a by-product of this.

  • April 21, 2006, 11:49 a.m. CST

    to Olorin of the west

    by Vern

    First of all, leave the retards out of this, you cruel son of a bitch. Why would you pick on a bunch of special ed kids just because you don’t approve of my approach to writing about a bigfoot movie? It makes no sense. Secondly, point me to the part in my review where I talk about “what makes a good horror.” I’m the guy that wrote the fucking thing and I’m pretty sure I never covered that topic (although I’ll be sure to go into detail about it on my next review). The truth is that 90% of the review IS bullshit, but it’s bullshit about important issues facing our nation as pertains to bigfoot and yeti culture. You gotta read the fuckin thing before you can condemn it to hell. anyway thanks for the comments bud.

  • April 21, 2006, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Shermdawg

    by Vern

    The movie you’re talking about is Sasquatch. It’s not listed on Lance Henriksen’s IMDb filmography, but he’s in it. Unless I’m confusing it with Sasquatch Hunters, but I’m pretty sure it’s just regular Sasquatch is the one he’s in. The cover has a big claw slash across the front and a stupid looking “evil” bigfoot face. This is not the same movie which is why I listed that movie along with Lance Henriksen’s name.

  • April 21, 2006, 11:54 a.m. CST

    aw, Vern, I wish you hadn’t taken the bait…

    by Uncooked_Meat

    … the only reason dipshits like that write is because they’re trying to provoke a response, but are too unintelligent to actually come up with an interesting point. I respect the response, but you’re wasting your time. And Orion of the West… seriously… that was such obvious troll-baiting it was pathetic.

  • April 21, 2006, 12:07 p.m. CST

    You tell ’em Vern

    by brycemonkey

    I think it’s nice that you reply to in the TB. It takes balls to publish anything, and then a wheelbarrow full of more balls to let internet geeks and freaks comment/critique your stuff. Personally your reviews are one the highlights of this site. OK, that was a bit gay, but there you go…

  • April 21, 2006, 12:12 p.m. CST

    Attention Seagalologists!

    by GenericGeek

    Sunday, on SpikeTV, a few recent Seagal flicks (including the one with the eastern european pen pal). See you there!

  • April 21, 2006, 1:19 p.m. CST

    to Generic Geek

    by Vern

    thanks for the tip on OUT OF REACH. Just wanted to tell you though that “Seagalology” is nothing but snake oil junk science mumbo jumbo. Don’t buy into that crap. I think you have what it takes to drop the gratuitous ‘ol’ and be a Seagalogist.

  • April 21, 2006, 1:24 p.m. CST

    Jeffrey Combs!

    by DerLanghaarige

    Isn’t he always difficult to recognize in his films? Seriously, that guy looks different in every film he makes.

  • April 21, 2006, 1:28 p.m. CST

    Mr. Nice Gaius, yeah you’re right

    by Bean_

    I just read a story where Malaysia government denied the reports. The same story says that they’ve also extended protection status for the sasquatch species (if it exists).

  • April 21, 2006, 1:34 p.m. CST

    What was up with that Seagalology guy, anyway?

    by FatPaul

    I just checked the seagalology.com website, and he’s way behind on his Seagal projects. There’s nothing about Prince of Pistols or Enemy of the Unseen, and Enemy is probably finished shooting by now. He also seems to think that Vern is his arch-nemesis, or at least he thought that a few months ago. By the way, Vern, will you be including your emails to the Seagalology guy in the upcoming Seagalogy book? The short email excerpts that he has on his site are hilarious, so I’m curious about what else might have been said.

  • April 21, 2006, 2:31 p.m. CST

    Thanks for the tip, Vern

    by GenericGeek

    I don’t buy the mumbo jumbo of Seagalology either, but I still support its Prophet, the Seagal. The former CIA agent can’t be faulted for the sins of His followers. Just ask Xenu.

  • April 21, 2006, 4:01 p.m. CST

    Loving this…

    by TELF

    Vern has really kicked into high gear this year. Really impressed and thankful. Also enjoying the esprit de corps of the folks who dig him. It’s rare to to feel the warmth of positivity in a TB, but Vern seems to inspire it in some of us. Oh and Brycemonkey, I just out-gayed you somewhat brohiem… In my opinion.

  • April 22, 2006, 8:19 a.m. CST

    Night of the Demon!!

    by BankyEdwards2309

    Best Bigfooty type movie ever!! Any film that features some dude in a suit ripping out someones guts and then twirling them arou d his head or pushing some guys face into a furnace is worth it’s weight in gold!! As for the guy getting his c*ck ripped off whilst having a quick piss by the side of the road..dino-mite! oooh cunty.

  • April 22, 2006, 9:10 a.m. CST

    “things get hairier” all over

    by ashhole

    seems that this movie’s going to sci-fi after all, premiering on may 20th. so at least us schmucks outside of NYC, Seattle, and LA can see the semi-giant halfbreed.

  • April 22, 2006, 5:19 p.m. CST

    Great review

    by Mister Man

    Well written. I definitely want to see this flick – it reminds of the Late Show/Creature Feature on Fridays/Saturdays in the mid-70s, where many a drive-in flick from the year before ended up. The CBS affiliate in Memphis would show commercial-free movies after midnight, often unedited.

  • April 22, 2006, 5:52 p.m. CST

    TomBodet

    by SnowMann

    I think you’re way off man… He spent quite a bit of time talking about things not directly related to the film, but unlike harry and massywrm and the others, everything he writes is INTERESTING, and beneficial to the overall review. Cause, uh… Vern? Best writer currently writing about film today. Don’t always agree with his opinions. Love reading what he writes. Always entertaining.

  • April 24, 2006, 6:20 a.m. CST

    Yeah…but what i really wanna see is…

    by Master Bruce

    BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY: THE MOVIE! Now that would kick all kinds of ass!!! BY-YA-BAAAAAAA!

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 21st, 2006 at 6:51 am and is filed under AICN, Horror, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Vern’s Seen ABOMINABLE! And So Has Everyone Else Online, It Seems!!”

  1. I recommend this movie to everybody I know for years, but nobody believes me that it’s seriously worth watching. I even borrowed a friend the DVD for Halloween and he gave it back without even watching it!(or burning a copy for himself)

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