I'm not trying to be a hero! I'M FIGHTING THE DRAGON!!

URGENT DISPATCH FROM THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AND/OR MEDIA

Attention all Americans. Our will is strong. We will not waiver. We will not back down. We will not give in to the temptations of overwhelming world opinion, common sense, etc.

Should the President decide to invade Iraq as planned, it shows the tremendous courage of a leader in the mold of FDR, Winston Churchill, or Morpheus from The Matrix. As the administration and the CIA have conceded, invading Iraq will greatly increase the likelihood of terrorism in America, but they feel that the risk of non-invasion is greater.

As the administration and Bush himself have also conceded, the new budget, which he signed into law, does not give enough money to “first responders” and other defenses against terrorism. Meanwhile, the governors of many states complain that they have not even been given the security money they were promised in 2001 and 2002.

So we are going billions of dollars into debt for a war that will cause terrorism that we won’t spend the money to be ready for. That sounds like madness, suicide… but we’re betting it’s probaly not. The guy is like FDR, he must know what he’s doing. He has secret information maybe, you never know.

We are a strong people, and we will defy the UN if that’s what it takes to punish Iraq for defying the UN. We believe Iraq poses a serious threat to world peace that can only be stopped by not having world peace. If the UN doesn’t agree with invading Iraq, it will make them irrelevant. We would never want the UN to be irrelevant, so if they vote against us it is not relevant to us, we’re going anyway. Or if it doesn’t look like they will give us the vote we want, we won’t have a vote. Just like in 2004.

Plus, those guys are biased. They’re just pissed because they found out we were bugging their phone calls and e-mails to find out how they were voting and maybe find information to blackmail them with. Don’t tell the American media that by the way, they might report it. Anyway if we hadn’t done that, these guys would all vote for the resolution I bet. They’re just bein a bunch of fuckin babies.

But wait, look out behind you! Orange alert! Orange alert! Buy up some duct tape! Hide under a desk! Load your basement with bottled water, but not Evian, that’s Freedom Water. We have received specific information of general attacks, specifically in the general area of somewhere either in America or surrounding areas. Holy shit it’s dangerous out there. All peaceful protesters return home, it is too dangerous for you to gather outside the UN building.

This just in: the threat is over, now that we have protected those protesters we have decided to lower the threat level.

(2 days later…)

BREAKING NEWS: we just caught a fat guy who looks like Ron Jeremy. He used to be ranked #22 on the al Quaeda It-List, but now he’s so hot he’s shot all the way to #2! He was the mastermind behind 9-11, the USS Cole bombing, the 1-800-COLLECT commercials with Carrot Top, and God only knows what else. Really bin Laden is only #1 due to some loophole, this is really the guy we were looking for all along. This is a great victory for the War on Terra because this guy was already killed by the Pakistani police and wrote some shit about Allah on the wall in his own blood as he died. Now the Pakistani police, but really mostly us, we caught him again and he was planning all kinds of operations. Those are the same operations that caused us to announce an orange alert. But we lowered it again before we caught him because, you know, we knew we were going to catch him, because of, uh, on account of… I mean because this is the best damn country in the world. NEVER FORGET 9-11. On second thought maybe we arrested him a month ago too. Trust us, it all makes sense and there are no lies.

Tonight on Access Hollywood: Isn’t Michael Jackson weird? What the fuck man? Why are you always questioning everything the government tells you. Michael Jackson said he only had 2 plastic surgeries. He’s a fuckin liar! I’ve had 3 plastic surgeries, no fuckin way he’s only had 2. Why don’t you tear apart HIS lies, huh? THAT’S some real news.

1-800-COLLECT. Dial down the center!
As George Bush said in his innovative new form of scripted news entertainment last week, he took an oath to uphold the Constitution. But since he was never technically elected president, maybe it was a different Constitution he was talking about. Ever thought of that? This could’ve been any Constitution, even one that allows the president to declare war without congress, and write up shit like the Patriot Act parts 1&2. So ha ha suckers, you can’t hold him to that, he’s still going.

By the way, why would you call our president’s rare press conference a dog and pony show? What’s wrong with dogs and ponies? The president loves both dogs and ponies.

Americans, after we drop 3,000 cruise missiles on Baghdad in 2 days, we promise to help repair the damage. We learned our lesson in Afghanistan and this time we’re going to hopefully stay more interested. In fact we’ve already contracted a subsidiary of Dick Cheney’s Halliburton company to fix the oil wells IF Saddam Hussein happens to destroy them. Like last time. Remember, it was him, not our special ops team. And it will be this time too, I mean it would be, if the wells were destroyed. Anyway, it’s all taken care of. These guys are good. Halliburton already fixed ’em after the last time we destroyed ’em. We know what we’re doing.

Because this is not about oil. This is about one thing. This is not about oil. This is about regime change. This is really about disarmament though. But really it is about regime change. Actually this is about September 11th. And the Alamo. Shit, we don’t know for sure what this is about, it changes every day. But we know what this is NOT about, and it is definitely NOT about oil or power through oil. Also we will bring democracy to the region, even if that means ignoring the democratic votes and the majority views of all the countries we are bribing and blackmailing to support us. That is how strongly we believe in democracy, that we are willing to abandon our very belief in democracy in order to preserve it. Because this is not even partially about oil.

By the way, you might think it’s weird that months later, the Wholly and Unquestionably Independent Commission on September 11th still hasn’t been given security clearances by the FBI and so far haven’t been able to investigate anything but the cafeteria food. Oh, you and your conspiracy theories. I’m sure it’s just ineptitude and bureaucracy, that’s all. Same as the air force not following standard procedure when the planes were hijacked. These things happen, we’re all human, there’s no need to point fingers.

On September 11th, that day that at least I personally will NEVER forget (god bless america), we knew that it was a new world, that everything had changed, that we faced a new breed of superdanger, and that we had no choice but to go through with that Iraq invasion plan that Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Abrams and Jeb Bush wrote up in 1997. See, what it is, I know it sounds weird, but let me explain. See, when they wrote it it was just paranoid bullshit. But now, in this dangerous new world, it turned out that just by coincidence it was the exact strategy we thought we should use. Isn’t that weird? I credit God.

Because we may be in the minority here, but we got God on our side, and God counts for more than one vote, which makes us the majority. The letters and faxes and phone calls are still flooding in, the millions of protesters have been noted. We believe in democracy and free speech, those were great traditions. So we think that’s all cute, even adorable. All of the world has told us and told us again that it is wrong to invade a country and murder thousands of civilians. So we are taking the HIGHER MORAL GROUND by going ahead and doing it anyway. It feels good to know that we are in your prayers, especially those prayers that aren’t for us to die or go to jail. We pray to God every day to show us the wisdom of what to do next. We figure that what the Pope and the Bishops of our own churches keep telling us is probaly not the wisdom we’ve been waiting for Him to send down though. That must be some unrelated wisdom that he is sending just to keep us in suspense. I think we’ll go ahead and wait for some insane Southern Baptist guy to come up with a quote where Jesus said it was okay to invade a country. That would be pretty good wisdom for God to send us. There must be something in there somewhere, it’s a whole fucking Testament for christ’s sake.

And before you get any wise ideas, the Methodists don’t have excommunication. Bush and Cheney aren’t getting kicked out no matter what they do. They could start jackin off on a portrait of Jesus, it wouldn’t matter. They’re in for life.

And you know what, luckily this country is not run by mob rule. Otherwise, the asshole who got the most votes would be president now instead of the one with the least. The president is happy to allow registered whites to vote in the next election, but if they make the wrong decision then he will have to step up to his responsibilities and take the high moral ground of staying in office.

And when we start our possible war and kill many possible civilians, you better not protest, or you will ruin the Saint Patricks Day parade. Why do you hate the Irish? You hate America, and you hate the Irish. Why can’t you just love somebody, why you gotta hate somebody?

My friends, instead of wasting your free speech by rising up against the compassionate government of America, here are four ways you can show your patriotism:

  1. Make sure the Pope does not go to Bagdad. We don’t want to have to kill the Pope. But we’ll fuckin do it man, don’t test us.
  2. In order to single out the French for agreeing with the rest of the world against our war, please replace the word FRENCH with the word FREEDOM. I don’t know what in fuck’s name this means, but it was started in the Congress cafeteria where they now have Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. This also works for Freedom Kissing and Freedom President Jacques Chirac.
  3. If you are a tv news anchor or radio personality, remember that we have officially switched over to pronouncing it “Sodom” instead of “Suh-dom.” This is a good way to not only call Saddam a queer, but to show our friends in the Arab world that we can’t be bothered to pronounce their names right, even when we know how.
  4. Support our troops by sending them into the worst environmental disaster ever created in the history of the earthman

Tonight on Nightline we have a special town meeting: “Iraq: Why Now.” Since this is TV and not really a town, it is evenly divided so that there are as many people pro-war as there are anti-war. (I know, but this is TV man, it’s different.) We even found a religious leader who is pro-war! We had to search far and wide but we found a Southern Baptist who can argue in favor of war. The trick is, he just never brings up religion. He’s even gonna quote Martin Luther King to support invading a country! I’m not making this shit up. He’s still looking for the Jesus quote though.

And now back to our balanced political analysis. We will stand up for peace by having a war, which means peace activists are anti-peace because they are anti-war, and war is how you get peace, and it also means pro-war people are actually peace activists because they are creating peace through war, but they are not the type of peace activists that are against peace by being against war. I hope that is clear.

Today on Lou Dobbs Moneyline, we have some country singer playing a pro-war song, interspersed with footage of the world trade centers falling and ungrateful anti-war protesters. Now you may say hey, that pretty much sums it up doesn’t it: a pro-war country singer performing on Lou Dobbs MONEYline. Well that’s just your opinion man.

This guy is newsworthy though because there were one or two stations that wouldn’t play his song, because they thought it was pro-war. But Lou loves this song. And the singer says it’s not really anti-war, it’s just pro-military. That’s what he meant when he said, “Some people say America is looking for a fight / After 9-11, I say that’s right.” Then he complains that they don’t show 9-11 footage anymore because it’s too disturbing, and we edit in some disturbing 9-11 footage. It’s good stuff.

Of course, there are many anti-war songs that are not being played on any radio stations, such as “In a World Gone Mad” by the Beastie Boys or “September 12th” by Saul Williams, or the one by Paris that was huge on the internet but nobody would even interview him about it until he made an album cover showing a jet headed for the White House. But this is Lou Dobbs Moneyline, man. We only have country western musical guests. Go complain to BET.
We do not want war. It is only a last resort. We will try every form of diplomacy we can to find a resolution. But diplomacy does not work, 12 years, blah blah blah. Shit, we’ve diplomacied the fuck out of Iraq. We worked the diplomats so hard that 2 of them have already resigned. And the press too, they’re getting tired and overworked, that’s why we only made a short list of ones to call on during the press conference and then didn’t answer their questions anyway. Also that’s why they laughed Ari Fleischer off the stage at that one briefing, they were just tired.

We worry about our journalists. We want them to cover the war as fairly as possible. We don’t want unfair competition from independent media sources, that is why we announced that we would fire on anyone covering the war without our permission.

See, the fair and balanced media understands that we cannot contain a dangerous power like Iraq. Yes, we have contained them for 12 years without incident (from their side anyway. Ha ha ha, fuckers.) Yes, we contained the Soviet Union until their very economic system fell apart. But that was before 9-11. That was before we knew that some guys with knives could crash airplanes. So we have developed the new Superbomb. If we had only had the Superbomb on September 11th, I doubt anything would’ve happened.

Now by this time the American people have probaly heard that we’ve been torturing suspects, sometimes to death (“Let’s just say they’re not a threat to the US and our allies anymore” Bush smiled.) Actually that’s an exaggeration. We’ve only been almost-almost-torturing them. Like as close as you could get to torturing somebody without technically torturing them, that’s all we’re doing. We know torture is illegal, that’s why when we need to torture someone, we hand them over to other countries that are okay with torture, which is also illegal.

(The next commercial is about tanks and soldiers, and how it’s an ARMY OF ONE. Very glamorous, very Bruckheimer. Maybe you heard that the whole point of the army was to beat you into submission, shave off your hair, desensitize you to killing and destroy your individuality… well that was your father’s army. Now it’s an ARMY OF ONE. It’s like Rambo man. You go out there, you swing around on a rope, I mean it’s great. Then at the end they have CGI of a bunch of jet planes flying around. But trust me, in real life it is just as exciting as what the FX artists have come up with. MORE exciting!)

(Wait, hold the phone… I thought this was the ARMY OF ONE commercial they keep playing, but it turns out to be a new war themed video game. It’s a video game commercial disguised as a recruiting commercial… or is it a recruiting commercial disguised as a video game? Not sure. Oh well! GO ARMY!)

Now, there are alot of people out there saying that maybe our government is not trustworthy. Maybe the fact that our weapons evidence was all fake means that this isn’t really about weapons. Okay, so it is true that Colin Powell showed a 4 year old college term paper plagiarized from the internet to the UN and said it was “a fine report” and “the very latest intelligence.” And yes, we keep mentioning these tubes that the nuclear inspectors say are not suitable for enriching plutonium, but when we say it we leave the “not” part out of “not suitable.” And yes, the documents Britain gave them showing that Iraq had tried to purchase uranium in Africa were proven to be inept forgeries (whoops! our bad. Who would play a joke like that on us? Is this that Jamie Kennedy show?) And yes, the satellite photos we showed them actually didn’t show anything at all. And yes, the intelligence leads we gave them led nowhere and were described by the inspectors as “garbage” and “bullshit” and “a wild goose chase.”

Yes, that is all true, BUT… after the war, we promise to locate some real evidence somewhere, underneath the piles of corpses maybe. A note of caution: our weapons now are hundreds of times more radioactive than the ones that polluted Iraq and killed or crippled over a hundred thousand Gulf War Episode 1 veterans. So you might not really want to see this evidence close up. But take our word for it man, it would be real convincing if it was safe to look at it. Colin Powell probaly knows all about this shit, that’s why he changed his mind all the sudden. Not because he’s a traitor or a sellout or a pussy.

But keep in mind we have not decided yet. It is only a possible war. We have been trying for months to look like we’ve had our mind made up for years, but we have not decided yet. Shit, it tears us apart worrying about what the right decision is. Every night we cry, and we pound our fists against the wall, and we pray. We stay up late into the night discussing the ramifications of our actions. We worry, what if this is a mistake? How will this affect our children, and our children’s children? What will the environmental consequences be? How will we pay to defend our country and to make our people healthy if we are spending so much on attacking other countries and making their people unhealthy? How many innocent people can die before we are no longer justified in our actions? Are we only perpetuating a cycle of violence that will inevitably lead to the end of our country as we know it?

No, just fuckin with you man. I had you goin there for a second. But seriously, we haven’t decided yet. We have such good poker faces that we even openly talk about trying to convince Americans and allies and the world why we are going to war. But really we are only possibly going to a possible war. The president has not decided. The cable news networks haven’t even decided. I mean the graphics department has, but some of the other departments are still weighing the pros and cons, I heard. Wolf Blitzer – shit, the whole CNN network – they only exist because of the first Gulf War, the “Scud Stud” and all that shit. But still, they’re very even handed, they wouldn’t want to push us into an illegal invasion. And you know what, hold on there pal. You can insult my President. You can attempt to make these colors run. Whatever. But you do NOT question the motives of television and get away with it. You have gone too far.

yours truly,

The Free Press and/or the White House

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 13th, 2003 at 6:34 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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