I use hands to help my fellow man / I use hands to help with what I can / But when I face an unjust injury / Then I change my hand into FIST OF FURY

VERN2K

My friends, if you are reading this then chances are motherfuckers have erupted into chaos. The y2k millennium bug has stripped the world of much of its established technologies. The days look like night cause of the smoke in the air, the sound of sirens is familiar and the streets are filled with broken glass and the trampled skeletons of the weak. There most likely is no trustworthy money system due to the loss of bank records and computer databeses. The stores have been looted to the bone leaving only a matter of time before most of our resources are used up.

Your life may be in danger while you read this because you are among the elite, the computeratti. Either that or you have backstabbed others to get where you are. You probaly had to lie, steal, fight, maybe even kill for the electric power, computer system and phone lines that you are using to access this web sight. And I wanna tell ya bud I really preciate the support.

If today is Tuesday January 11 2000 or later and this is the most recent column posted, then I have missed the deadline for VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS #15, my second column of the new Millennium 2000. To be frankly honest bud that means ol’ Vern has probaly gone out in a blaze of glory, I’m thinking maybe in a terrorist bombing, apocolypse type situation or battle with oppressive police forces. I guess I could have got run over, heart attack, shot or starved to death but I just hope its something good whatever it is. At the very least I got my computer ripped off or been taken prisoner by marauders.

I don’t want to tell you what you already know man but if you ask me getting used to this new post-millennial type world is going to be a real bitch in my opinion. Although I lived a very humble lifestyle for many years due to situations out of my control involving imprisonment, i have grown accustomed to the Technologies of man in the past months and the new inconveniences will be a great burden both as a human being, as an artist and as a Writer.

Yes, I am a Writer and also a poet. For one I will have to Write on paper once again. This column was prepared on a computer BEFORE the millennium in case of this outcome. I will miss the old girl (my computer) but I suppose a real Writer which I believe I am can handle the old #2 pencil.

Isn’t it funny to think there used to be motherfuckers who would buy water in a fucking plastic bottle and would only want to drink certain brands. I bet now those pricks are scooping it out of mud puddles. They’d give thier left nut for a sip of warm water out of a garden hose.

And hell man I just got a dvd player and barely got a chance to use it. not to mention the internet and newsgroups where i have many friends and learn more than i have learned anywhere with the exception of the joint. But I’m not gonna complain man are we men or are we mice? We sure as fuck aren’t mice so we don’t need technology. All we need is mother earth in my opinion.

Still it is difficult for a christian and Positive individual such as you and I to deal with violence of a world where men must battle to the death over scraps of food and electric cables. We have gone from a comfortable first world priveleged type of living to a warrior culture like Mad Max and for those of you who can’t take it I am very sorry. Hell man I wish Ic ould say I’d protect you but I’m up here in the northwest, can’t really be everywhere at once. But if you are in the area look me up we’ll fight back to back and we’ll mend this sorry world in my opinion. Its gonna need it.

So good luck man and remember just about anything from a toothbrush to a popsicle stick can be made into a shiv. Although I am against violence for the most part anybody who doesn’t know karate or whatever I’m recommending you carry a shiv on your person during this difficult times. Just as a sidenote I know this isn’t politically correct but I hate those fucking roving bands of cannibals. I’m sorry I know it is freedom of speech and all that but your lifestyle disgusts me and I hope you stay the FUCK out of my neighborhood.

Secondly, on the topic of bunkers. Now I’m not going to front, it is possible that I pussied out when the chips were down and stuck my head in the sand by joining one of my buddies in a bunker. But as of this Writing on December 30 man I gotta say FUCK bunkers. No offense if you are in a bunker but personally I think that is the coward’s way out. It is our duty as human beings to stand up against this problem that WE OURSELVES have caused by allowing the mathemeticians and computer experts to be a bunch of fucking nitwits when it comes to deciding how many digits to use to tell what year it is.

Anyway bud obviously I won’t be reviewing any new movies until we as a society get our shit together and start rebuilding, but until then man I hope everyone is safe and please man take care of each other and none of this every man for himmself bullshit. you be nice to each other and help people out and together we’re going to get through this man. peace. And share the computer please.

–Vern

P.S. My new year’s resolution was to become a more established Writer on the films of Cinema but right now that doesn’t seem all that important. Anyway I got a bunch of new reviews in the review section but I guess its probaly too late to see movies anyway so forget it man.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 3rd, 2000 at 6:21 am and is filed under Vern Tells It Like It Is. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “VERN2K”

  1. The 2012 Mayan apocalyptic shit is the new Y2K.

  2. Taylor Snatchlover

    December 4th, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Childs: You believe any of this voodoo bullshit, Blair?

    Palmer: Childs, Childs… Chariots of the Gods, man. They practically own South America. I mean, they taught the Incas everything they know.

    Fuckin’ Mayans…

  3. Anyone who seriously believes in CHARIOTS OF THE GODS deserves to be slapped around by Cracked.com

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