"CATCH YOU FUCKERS AT A BAD TIME?"

Posts Tagged ‘Austin’

Urban Vengeance

Sunday, April 20th, 2025

ZERO EXTERNAL REVIEWS ON IMDBURBAN VENGEANCE, not be confused with Seagal’s URBAN JUSTICE, is a D.I.Y. skateboard action movie I stumbled across on Tubi. The art looked old but the release year was listed as 2024, and I got curious. Sometimes these things you gotta watch for a bit to get an idea if they’re even gonna be watchable at all, but this one I knew pretty immediately I would keep watching because the hero, Jack Urban (Will Martin), is riding his skateboard through an L.A. River type cement ditch called “Skate River” when a guy wheelies in on a motorcycle firing an uzi at him. Jack ducks under a low tunnel, the motorcycle somehow explodes into a fireball behind him, there’s a distorted guitar strum, Jack turns to grimly survey the damage and then skates off into the title sequence powered by retro synth arpeggios (score by Derlis A. González). Off to a great start.


Jack is supposed to be a teenager, and Martin looks like he could actually be one, but he’s also the writer and director of the film. On his websight he calls the movie “an homage to cheesy skateboarding dramas of the ‘80s such as GLEAMING THE CUBE and THRASHIN’,” but thankfully there is no winking or parodying. It comes across as a serious attempt at a CLASS OF 1984 world-gone-insane youth movie, with a sprinkling of DEADBEAT AT DAWN rawness.

(read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Reviews, Action | 7 Comments »

Eggshells

Monday, November 28th, 2022

Holy shit you guys, I never really thought I’d see EGGSHELLS! It’s the weird psychedelic movie Tobe Hooper made in 1969 – five years before THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. According to Hooper it only really played about fifty times, and only in Texas. It had never been on video until 2013, when it was included as a bonus disc for Arrow’s Region B limited edition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2. I didn’t know about it in time to get it.

But recently a copy of that disc was donated to the collection of Scarecrow Video, so I checked it out. It’s a beautiful restoration and the disc includes a Hooper commentary track, which I’m glad I listened to, because it sure gave me a better idea what was supposed to be going on. You wouldn’t necessarily know this was the work of a future Master of Horror, because it hadn’t yet occurred to him that the horror genre was a good hook to get your movie played in drive-ins. There’s possibly a supernatural force in it, but it’s not used for scares – just trippiness, I’d say. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Reviews, I don't know | 5 Comments »

Action U.S.A.

Tuesday, July 4th, 2017

tn_actionusa“Come on Carmen, what do you want from me? I’m just trying to do my job protecting a federal witness from being chased by a bunch of assholes who shoot at us every time I turn around!”

ACTION U.S.A. is pretty much the perfect movie title. I mean, who the fuck knows what it means, it doesn’t describe the content of the story in a traditional way, and yet it exactly describes the vibe of the movie (filmed under the title A HANDFUL OF TROUBLE, referring to some diamonds). The movie opens with a long credits scene of a Corvette with a giant engine sticking out the front, Texas license plate “SLEEK 1,” naked lady airbrushed on the hood, speeding down roads. It pulls up to a house, the driver Billy Ray (Rod Shaft) (beer in hand, gun tucked in waistband) takes his girl Carmen (Barri Murphy) inside and they start to go at it on the couch. The director credit is over a shot of the door right before it gets kicked down and two mob thugs (one lookin like Freddy Mercury) come in and drag Billy Ray to the trunk of their car. Then they take him to a helicopter and fly around dangling him by one leg. Carmen drives underneath saying “Oh my god!”

They accidentally drop him in water, he swims ashore and gets in her car for a crazy chase that involves her hanging out the door, Freddie standing up in the sunroof firing his gun, of course some workers on ladders almost getting hit, and a completely full school bus that through some act of God or careful planning has a tow truck set up as a ramp so they can jump over it. The motor home in front of the bus is not so lucky, though, and the bad guys crash through it and explode into flames of awesomeness.

That’s the beginning, and it continues like that. That’s a movie you can call ACTION U.S.A. all right. I would also accept AMERICA T.N.T. or DYNAMITE EAGLE SQUAD. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Action, Reviews | 10 Comments »

Slacker

Thursday, March 26th, 2015

tn_slacker

*first released feature
*first released feature  *first 35mm feature

SLACKER is a landmark independent film of the ’90s, and I thought it was Richard Linklater’s first feature until I rented the blu-ray and saw that one of the extras was a feature length Super-8 movie he did in 1988 called IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LEARN TO PLOW BY READING BOOKS. But I turned it off before the first shot ended and I don’t think it ever got released before so it doesn’t count in my opinion.

When SLACKER came out at the beginning of the ’90s it was unlike anything I’d seen before. You know how people who don’t know much about movies will say that a movie where they didn’t like the plot “has no plot”? This one actually for real has no plot, it’s just a camera floating through Austin watching people talk. Then somebody will leave the conversation or someone else will walk by and the camera will go with them and watch something else.

Some of the conversations are very one-sided. The two conspiracy nuts (one JFK specific, one all over the map from early moon landing to mind control) seem particularly Aspergersy. It’s funny to watch two guys walking along a sidewalk or riding in a cab for several minutes and one of them is doing a monologue and the other one never says a damn word. They’re all stone-faced non-actors so they don’t always convey whether they’re being very open-minded and actually listening, or if they’re just politely waiting for it to stop. (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: ,
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Reviews | 11 Comments »

Last Night at the Alamo

Wednesday, October 11th, 2006

During my recent two-week TEXAS CHAINSAW binge I learned of the existence of this movie I’d never heard of before. It was written by Kim Henkel (co-writer of the original TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE, writer/director of part 4). It also stars Lou Perryman two years before he played the lovable loogie-spittin’ sidekick L.G. in TCSM part 2. (He was also assistant cameraman on part 1.)

But this is not a horror movie by any stretch of the imagination, in fact if I was gonna compare it to any movie it would have to be CLERKS. Because this is a low budget, 16mm black and white slice of life movie about some regular people hanging out in a bar called The Alamo. It’s the last night before it’s gonna get demolished, and almost the entire movie takes place inside, in the parking lot, or at a house right across the street. (The opening scene is the farthest you get from the Alamo, it shows one of the characters driving to The Alamo in real time.) (read the rest of this shit…)

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Comedy/Laffs, Drama, Reviews | 2 Comments »

  • Hey bud, thanks for reading.

    Don't feel obligated, but here are some

  • WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SHIT OUT OF VERN & OUTLAWVERN.COM

    if that's your thing:

  • 1. Patreon

    Toss me a couple bucks a month, support the good shit, also get access to a bunch of exclusive writing. This is my primary source of writing money that has allowed me to cut down to part time at the day job. Thank you!

  • 2. Buy my books from your local bookseller or somebody

    click here for my Amazon author page

    (NOTE: My ten year contract has passed on the Titan books, so I don't get residuals on them like I do WORM ON A HOOK and NIKETOWN, but I would love for you to read them because I'm proud of them)

    EXTRA CREDIT: Review them on Amazon! That would really help me out. Unless you didn't like them, in which case forget I said anything.

  • 3. If you ever buy from Amazon, go through my links or search engines



    (you pay the same amount you were gonna pay anyway they cut me a little slice)

  • I also have an Amazon UK one:

    (I can't get the search box widget to work anymore, so click on MOONWALKER and then search for what you want.)

  • 4. My exciting line of fashion and leisure products

    (I get a couple bucks per item, you get a cool t-shirt, mug or lifestyle item)

  • 5. Spread the word

    Tell your friends about my reviews and my books and everything. Only cool people though please, we don't need a bunch of suckers and/or chumps around here.

    THANKS EVERYBODY. YOUR FRIEND, VERN

    * * * *

  • Recent commentary and jibber-jabber

    • MaggieMayPie on Companion: “This was more light hearted/funny than I expected it to be. It makes sense now to hear that Hancock comes…” May 8, 21:55
    • Matthew B. on Gina: “I guess this is a quirk of Canadian linguistic habits, but that town is *absolutely* what we would call “redneck.”” May 8, 18:58
    • walkerp on Gina: “Oh that’s interesting, the version I saw in the theatre here (Montreal) at some retrospective had an incredibly hot solo…” May 8, 15:12
    • ron on Companion: “what got me to go check this out was another credit you didnt mention: hancock created “CAUTIONARY TALES OF SWORDS”…” May 8, 14:34
    • Jules on Companion: “That means either 2002 or 2005. Look forward to it!” May 8, 14:18
    • ron on Havoc: “i knew the discourse on this was going to be annoying because a) its not another raid b) its incredibly…” May 8, 14:05
    • VERN on Companion: “Jules, will indeed be starting a summer retrospective series soon, thanks for asking. It won’t go quite that far back…” May 8, 12:59
    • Charles on The Shrouds: “Toxic, I am so sorry for your loss.” May 8, 09:32
    • CJ Holden on The Shrouds: “While for some really weird reason “body horror” became one of those overused internet buzzwords that people apply to anything…” May 8, 08:34
    • Kevin on Companion: “@Bill Reed: that comparison to “Abigail” is quite apt. @The Allusionist: I described it to a friend who was reluctant…” May 7, 18:04
    • Jules on Companion: “A little off-topic, but what do we think are the odds that Vern has a SUMMER OF series on tap?…” May 7, 17:14
    • Palermo on The Shrouds: “I’ll probably check this out tomorrow night. I agree with you about the overuse of the term “body horror.” I…” May 7, 15:44
    • CJ Holden on Havoc: “I had quite the good time with it. Okay, when we hit the 40 minute mark and so far the…” May 7, 12:51
    • darkrage6 on China White: “Very interesting trivia about the abduction did not know of that. Pretty fun movie even if the depressing ending is…” May 7, 12:44
    • CJ Holden on The Shrouds: “Anthony Hopkins once told a story about how he received a script from Cronenberg. Can’t remember if he had to…” May 7, 00:45

  • Recent Commented on Posts

  • Most Comments