As we attempt to slide slowly back into some perverted new version of our regular lives, as we search for comfort in our leaders, our suddenly careful late night comedy shows and our community flagwaving contests, there is a danger, in my opinion, of not learning jack shit. And to see something like this happen, in our own country this time, and to not learn jack shit, is just plain stupid.

Or maybe we are learning. If you’re watching the news or reading the newspaper, you get one picture of what’s going on in people’s minds across the country and around the world. But talking to actual human beings in daily life and checking my e-mail, I get an entirely different one.

Thanks, everybody, for reading, tolerating, and in some cases even appreciating my long rant of a column last month. I got many supportive e-mails, interesting forwards and links. I heard from people on the west coast and east coast, from England and from New Zealand. You might be surprised that almost every single person who Wrote to me actually agreed with my anti-war, anti-US government stance. The one guy who disagreed was very supportive of my work and fair in his criticisms. I didn’t even once want to Write back that he should fuck off. (read the rest of this shit…)

My friends, I am not an optimist, but I never thought I’d be Writing a column like this.

I have Written huge rants about bad movies. About the popularity of reality tv shows, about the sorry state of comedy. Piddly shit.

Sometimes I have tried to tackle more sensitive topics, like a particular column I was always both proud and embarassed of, where I talked about a very sensitive medical procedure I had to get.

But I never thought I’d have to figure out what to say about this shit.

As I Write this it has been one week since the attacks on New York and Washington. For most americans and in other parts of the world, this is no fucking time to be reading a web sight about what some asshole thinks about movies. So if anyone is reading this I thank you for thinking about me, or for coming to my sight as a comfort or a distraction from what is going on in the world, or perhaps to hear what the hell I think about all this. (If that’s not what you want, you better click away now, I’m sorry to say.) (read the rest of this shit…)

YES, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD IT IS A NEW VERN TELL’S IT LIKE IT IS

REALLY, NO JOKE

JUNE 27, 2001

Hey, remember me. Vern.

If you don’t know me, what it is is I used to be in prison. Then I started Writing movie reviews on the internet. then stopped.

(capsule version) (read the rest of this shit…)

Traditionally I like to start out every column with an apology for the garbage that you are about to read. This week the apology is directed mainly at the non-americans out there who get bored every time I start talking about some kind of American shit, like presidents, etc. Presidents are what we have here instead of the Queen. We have states instead of provinces or islands, and we have astronauts instead of cosmonauts. If you have any other questions I would be glad to explain. We call them french fries for example instead of chips. Chips here are just potato chips, and we don’t have ketchup flavored or pickle flavored like you freako canadians do. Just Cool Ranch, Cheestacular, etc. They say some of our snacks are dangerously cheesy.

Now I know you guys think of americans as a bunch of fucking morons, but I want to be the first to point out that it’s NOT ON US this time. Our hands are clean. The american people had nothin to do with electing that illiterate oil shiek frat boy, black man executing son of a Panama-Iraq invading CIA madman. Everyone knows the other motherfucker won the popular vote. And as far as anybody can tell he probaly woulda won the electoral vote if they were allowed to count the votes that people turned in. I mean anybody’s guess I suppose but let’s assume the best from americans here all right. (read the rest of this shit…)

Okay, so I was wrong about there being a new president chosen by the time you read LAST week’s column. I was wrong about all this politics shit being over with. So sue me. I didn’t know this was how it went down these days all right.

But I can’t help but get a kick out of all this. As a Writer and Poet I am a believer in metaphors. Somebody told me that there was no better metaphor for the political process today than the state of Minnesota choosing a professional wrestler as their governor. They trust ANYBODY more than a politician, even somebody whose job is pretend fighting. Some other great candidates would be an inflatable sex doll, a crash test dummy, a scarecrow, a stunt double, a celebrity lookalike. I wonder if Bruce Li is an american citizen?

Well this election shows that disillusion on a national level. I’m sure a few jackasses will interpret this to mean that America is more divided than ever. But I think it shows that we are all united in our lack of passion for either of these corporate financed motherfuckers. (read the rest of this shit…)