Posts Tagged ‘unwatchable garbage’

Doomsday

Monday, March 24th, 2008

and the end of the world of action and horror movies

Well, shit. I been looking forward to this one for a long time. ROAD WARRIOR + ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK from the director of THE DESCENT? Yes please. I thought. And in the week since it came out I’ve gotten alot of emails about it and talked to several people who saw it and only 2 of them said they didn’t like it. Most weren’t willing to call it “good” but they did seem pretty delighted by it.

So hopefully most of you who see it will like it too, but Jee and Zuss. To me DOOMSDAY seems like my own personal doomsday, the end of the line for my two favorite genres.

DOOMSDAY is not a horror movie, but after DOG SOLDIERS and THE DESCENT Neil Marshall is a bigshot in the “Splat Pack” or whatever stupid name you want to call what passes for the best horror directors these days. I’ve had alot of discussions with other horror watchers about this crop and what worries me is that so much of modern horror – including the stuff I like – is looking backwards. You got Rob Zombie with his various ’70s homages, Eli Roth with his “grindhouse” and Italian horror and Takashi Miike references. I think Aja shows some promise, but his best movie is a faithful Wes Craven remake. Everybody complains about the avalanche of remakes but even among the well-reviewed movies you got some stuff that’s 100% tribute and references (HATCHET, BEHIND THE MASK). I get it, I like those old movies these directors like too. Let’s all high five each other and quote a couple lines but then let’s make some new movies, shall we? Where is the George Romero or the John Carpenter of today? It can’t be the fucking SAW guys, can it? (more…)

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Posted in Action, Horror, Reviews | 12 Comments »

Transformers

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007

Three words for you about TRANSFORMERS: Ho. Lee. Shit. Not as in “Holy shit, I was blown away, it was a blast as well as AWESOME!” but as in “Holy shit, society really is on the brink of collapse.”

Usually if a movie is already playing in theaters I don’t send my review here, I just use it at my geocities.com/outlawvern sight, but jesus, SOMEBODY had to say something. I can’t believe how many positive reviews I have read of this. I think Harry’s was the only negative I saw, but he was polite about it. I read Moriarty’s review before the screening and I thought wow, what if I actually like this movie? Like me, Moriarty hates Michael Bay’s movies from head to toe, style and content, and me and him agree on all kinds of stuff. I don’t remember too many cases where I thought he was being too easy on a movie, at least not a big one like this (only one that comes to mind is the much smaller DAREDEVIL). I never thought I would like this movie until I read his review. He had me about 80% convinced that it would surprise me and win me over, like LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD did. And I might have to seek counseling after enjoying those two movies in a row, but that’s life.

I’ve mentioned a few times before that I have a buddy who loves Michael Bay. But before you rush to judgment, let me say that he’s not some stereotype that just loves to see things explode and hear black guys joke about being “negroes” while a camera rotates around them. This is a smart guy with varied tastes. He gives me tips on older action movies I haven’t seen, but his favorite movie so far this year is some documentary I never heard of. He watches more movies than I do, and is much more fickle than I am. I could not possibly list how many movies I thought were good, or at least okay, that he out and out despised. But still, somehow, he loves that fucking Michael Bay garbage, especially ARMAGEDDON and BAD BOYS 2. He describes BAD BOYS 2 as “the most hateful movie ever made” and always mentions how Bay’s directing credit is over a shot of a burning cross. So his enjoyment seems like kind of a rebellious fuck you to the world, like a kid listening to punk rock or stabbing his grandparents in their sleep. He’s been excited about this movie all year, and I’ve been shaking my head and grumbling about it. I definitely wanted to see it out of morbid curiosity, but felt it would be morally wrong to pay for it. I paid to see GHOST RIDER because I thought it would be funny, and I still feel guilty about it. (more…)

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Posted in Action, Reviews, Science Fiction and Space Shit, Thriller | 40 Comments »

Vern’s Peace Initiative

Sunday, August 13th, 2006

As if the whole world wasn’t going to shit already, now we got this war going on between Israel and Hezbollah in Syria. Or according to some people, between the US via Israel and Iran via Syria via Hezbollah in Lebanon or I don’t know. Whatever the fuck is going on over there, it’s not good. People are dying every day and it seems like this could be just the humble beginnings of this latest phase of the world’s biggest mess.

In the old days, like, say, seven years ago, what we would do is the President would make some phone calls, send some diplomats, try to figure out how to get those assholes over there to chill the fuck out. “Come on guys, it’s not worth it.” Like when your buddy’s had a few too many drinks and starts getting in a guy’s face in an argument over a girl or a shoe or a slice of pizza or something. You gotta give your buddy some perspective before things get ugly.

Well, Bush is too busy clearing brush or dumping out stem cells or something. You know how he is, if the world is teetering on the precipice then you bet your ass that asshole’s on vacation. I heard he’s supposed to be reading Camus’s The Stranger on his vacation, which is interesting. Future embarassing off the cuff remark: “Well it’s interesting, in existentialism it says I can kill an Arab.”

Anyway, the point is he’s not gonna do shit. Therefore, I feel it is my duty as an American to step up and set a positive example for our brothers and sisters around the world.

Now, I know you have plenty of reasons to hate each other. The other side kidnapped some of your soldiers, or arrested a whole bunch of people, or blew up your house, or hate your religion, or stole your land, etc. I’m not saying you don’t have cause to be angry. But what you gotta understand is, this shit goes back hundreds of years. So far, blowing shit up has not helped in any way. Maybe, perhaps, it is worth considering that blowing shit up only ever makes it worse, and you gotta stop. (more…)

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Domino

Monday, October 17th, 2005

I probaly never woulda known this if there wasn’t a movie, but it turns out Laurence Harvey, who is a guy in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (but not Frank Sinatra), had a daughter named Domino. But wait, there’s more. This daughter supposedly tried to follow in the footsteps of her super model mother, but then got bored and became a bounty hunter. Rich girl model becomes bounty hunter – sounds like a good story, and apparently director Tony Scott was friends with Domino and spent 12 years trying to bring “her story” to the screen. Tragically, she died of a drug overdose last summer having only seen parts of the unfinished movie. I just watched the whole god damn thing so believe me, I can relate.

Okay, that was low and unfair and in poor taste. In the spirit of the movie. They say the real Domino liked what she saw of the movie and was real excited. She was a DJ and recorded a song for the opening credits. And her death was ruled an accident, unlike my paying $9 in good faith for a movie I hoped would be entertaining. You gotta wonder if the best way to honor your dead friend is to put her name on a horrible movie that has nothing to do with her. Whatever happened to pouring one on the curb? I guess maybe they had a weird friendship.

[Confidential to Skander Halim: if I die tragically before your option runs out, FOR GOD'S SAKE don't let Tony Scott direct. Or produce. Or watch. Life is too precious.]

The movie DOMINO is most like is NATURAL BORN KILLERS. I always figured Oliver Stone was trying to make some prophetic warning about the media’s exploitation of violence, not realizing that everybody already figured that one out before he did. But in retrospect it turns out maybe he was prophetic: he was trying to warn us of the incoming tide of the Michael Bay style, the Bruckheimerization of the cinematic language, and/or Tony Scott’s big screen mid-life crisis. Oliver Stone was whacking us over the head, cutting the soundtrack into 750 pieces, torturing us with electric guitars, jarring edits, uncomfortable closeups, senseless switches from super 8 to regular to vhs to black and white to cartoon network. As obnoxious and pretentious as it was at least we knew what he was going for, I think. Some kind of impression of an oversaturated media culture is my guess. (more…)

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Posted in Action, Reviews | 14 Comments »

Cremaster 3

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

THE ORDER: FROM CREMASTER PART 3

2002
directed by Matthew Barney
written by Matthew Barney
based on characters created by Matthew Barney
starring Matthew Barney, Agnostic Front, Murphy’s Law
and introducing Matthew Barney
produced by Matthew Barney
Matthew Barney Matthew Barney Matthew Barney

Synopsis: In this third installment in the popular slasher series, some guy wearing a pink kilt with a napkin in his mouth (Matthew Barney) is in a big white room, climbing around on shit. The Rockettes are there and also the bands Agnostic Front and Murphy’s Law. But just when things seem to be going well, this lady turns into some kind of half cheetah lady. Will the napkin guy be able to still climb around and shit? Meanwhile, there are some little hammer things that he keeps fondling.

Review: Well there has been alot of talk about the Cremaster franchise which this guy Matt Barney plays in art galleries and he thinks it is not a movie but actually a statue. That is why he refuses to release any of them on dvd except for this half hour excerpt from part 3. Because it is a statue.

Stephen Holden said in the New York Times, “To my eyes, at least, the Cremaster films convey a sense of antic adventure and playfulness that all but vanished from the Star Wars movies beginning with The Phantom Menace.” It’s true, I was sitting next to him and during the pod race scene he kept mumbling, “this needs more of that Matthew Barney kind of vibe to it.” (more…)

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Posted in Horror, Reviews | 5 Comments »