Well if there is one thing I am it is I am an honest man and that is why it’s called Vern Tell’s It Like It Is. So to be frankly honest bud what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna recommend you don’t even bother reading the column this week. Because all it’s gonna be is a sad old ex-con on valentine’s day. So unless you’re into that kind of thing and I guess you never know maybe that’s your kick or whatever, fine, but the rest of you better move on there’s nothin to see here.
But like I said I’m tellin it like it is so if Vern is sad then the column is sad and there’s no two ways about it. And if you’d rather I just grin and bear then I got one word for you, fuck you motherfucker. This is about the Truth, pal.
And the truth is it’s valentines day and ol’ Vern is not so much a bad motherfucker as a sad motherfucker. You always hear about how much people hate valentine’s day because they’re single and it makes them sad to be alone when everybody else is eating chocolate or all greased up rolling around in a bathtub or whatever. Well for quite a few years now I always figured no problem, I don’t care if I’m single, I have a pretty good excuse due to being imprisoned and what not. And plus it’s not like I didn’t get my chance, I mean there were alot of young gals on the outside dying to get married but I’m just not that type of guy, the marry a gal but you’re in prison type of guy.
But now here I am on the outside and I gotta be honest, of all the young gals I have been with in the past months of freedom there has not been one with that perfect match type of feel. And when the valentine’s love is in the air you start thinking wait a minute now, maybe at my age I need to stop trying to get laid and start trying to get paid – paid being a metaphor for falling in love. I really have not found that special someone, I have not found a muse or a Bonnie and I am getting old and there are also some anger issues as well as a few comments that were in poor taste after a recent threesome and well anyway, long story short it looks like I’ll be sitting this one out. But hell it’s not even that, it’s just a sad time anyway because there’s nothing but death and sorrow in the air and hell, even in the airwaves.
Like last night I’m watching the Simpsons, right? It’s a funny cartoon, there are these yellow people, I mean it’s hard to explain but I’m sure if you check it out some time you will know what I’m talking about, it’s some pretty funny shit most of the time. But last night was about Homer’s neighbor Ned lost his wife, she fell off some bleachers and died. And the episode was funny but then it’s about this gal died and this poor bastard is living on his own and he’s too nice to be angry at Homer even though it was kind of his fault she died. And he has two kids and they lost their mama. I mean jesus this is some sad shit.
Then after that homicide the movie. Same deal. Don’t mean to give anything away but Yaphet Kotto from Alien bites it at the end.
But worse than that, in real life we got people dying right and left. Jim Varney from toy story part 2 died of cancer and he was only 50. And of course you know Charles Schulz of the peanuts cartoons died on Saturday. I guess we can be kind of happy for him. This guy is a true Artist, his work is his life even if it’s just the funnies. So in a way it is fitting that he died the day before his last strip ran. He put his life straight into Peanuts and he never had to bear life after Peanuts. But I’m sure sad to see him go.
Now I haven’t found this online anywhere so hopefully it’s not true but I also heard that Screamin Jay Hawkins died on that same day. Well damn, I know some of you are into the horror Cinema, well this guy was horror rock n roll, he used to carry skulls around and his music was great and crazy. He sang “I put a spell on you”, “alligator wine,” I mean this guy was great. Good luck jay.
Now I’m also very broken up because on that same day there was yet another loss to the arts, Mr. Roger Vadim passed away. Most of you may not have heard of this filmmaker who I believe was french, his most famous piece here would be the jane fonda science fiction picture Barbarella, a very sexy and funny space film. But Vadim was kind of a personal hero of mine because of his book, My Life With the Three Most Beautiful Women in the World. You see, this is the man who discovered and fell in love with Brigitte Bardot, then he also fell in love with Jane Fonda and Catherine Deneauve, and he had at least two other wives I never heard of and for all we know they were just as hot. And anyway he wrote a book about it which is a pretty cocky thing to do but hey you gotta have self confidence in my opinion.
But in addition to his sex life Vadim was famous as a filmmaker. His films showed a strong visual type imagination and were very sensual, which means they give you a boner. Vadim was all over, he worked in france, italy and america, and he was one of the lesser known originators of a little movement I call the frenchy’s new wave. That’s why this guy was able to do Spirits of the Dead along with Louis Malle and Federico Fellini. These are three edgar alen poe tales, the first one by vadim and starring, that’s right, sweet young Jane Fonda, but talking in french. Fellini’s chapter is kind of futuristic and it’s some real freaked out shit, I think you will like it.
I have a theory about Luc Besson, he was infatuated with that wild girl Milla Jovovich while he made Fifth Element and The MEssenger, and that’s why he knows how to photographically make her look more gorgeous than anyone else can. But his infatuation is strongest when he watches her through a camera lens so the relationship couldn’t last after the picture wrapped. This is called the Vadim Syndrome. Because I mean this motherfucker, have you seen Jane Fonda in Barbarella? I mean holy fucking mackerel. Vadim actually got the idea for the movie from seeing Jane walk around his house topless. Then he tried to get her to star in the movie but she didn’t want to, and it was him that talked her into it, and although she is a great dramatic type actress this is still my favorite of her pictures.
Now okay, the guy may have gone through alot of marriages, maybe that’s not desirable, but he dedicated his art to beauty and love. As the bob crewe generation orchestra sings at the end of barbarella, “an angel is love.” And when barbarella sees the president she doesn’t do some fucking military salute, she holds her hand up and says “love.” I mean that was Vadim’s thing. So it’s too bad my man didn’t stick in there for one last valentine’s day, I think he would have liked it.
So this valentines day, if you are with your lover drinking some champagne, or better yet spreading some chocolate flavored edible massage oil, what I want you to do bud is I want you to pour a little on the curb for Vadim. And also if it’s a lady your with, how bout you give her a little lick for me, thanks bud.
VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.